Custody Evaluation #1 - How Things Happened
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I’ve previously covered how we were headed towards this first custody evaluation and how the custody evaluation is generally supposed to work as detailed by Custody Evaluations, Inc. in their literature. Now we’ll discuss the actual experience before moving onto the conclusion.
I previously was a little off on the dates. There were 6 sessions which took place over the course of August, September, and early October of 2004. (So much for “speeding up” the process and saving money.) PEW was seen individually first. I was seen individually in session 2. We were seen together in session 3. Session 4 was a split session, with each of us being seen with the children. Sessions 5 and 6 were both joint sessions.
So, in a mere 6 hours, only 50-minutes of which are you actually interacting with the evaluator (if you’re lucky) - this person passes a judgment on the both of you as parents and hands down a “recommendation” based upon their wealth of experience and alleged expertise. You could even pare it down further. 3-hours each. In 3-hours, you pay thousands of dollars for the privilege of having this “expert” ask you a few questions, watch you interact with your children for 10 fucking minutes, listen to your psycho ex spew completely unfounded and totally unsupported false allegations against you, you defend yourself and explain your position calmly and rationally, and then they pass their judgment. You’re told by our attorney that the court “takes their recommendations very seriously and almost always goes with what they recommend.”
Since the rules “prohibit” either party, who pays for this evaluation, to have a copy of it - you’re only permitted to review it in your attorney’s office and take notes. I believe that this rule is more self-protection for Custody Evaluations, Inc. and the entire one-hand-washing-the-other racket that is the automatic recommendation by the County Court to the County run CE program is completely unethical… but I digress. I took notes. I wrote the important and most pertinent parts of the report verbatim. So, I followed the rules.
THE SMALL STUFF:
The report confirms that our schedule was, for the most part since the physical split, a 50/50 arrangement. It confirms that the mother petitioned for full custody which was followed shortly thereafter by my counter-petition.
THE DETAILS: PEW petitioned for custody of the boys for the following reasons…
- Parents were unable to decide where the boys would go to school. PEW wants the children to attend [St. Catholic School] where S1 attended pre-school last year. She indicates that she volunteered at the school to offset the cost of tuition, and that S1 is already familiar with the school. LM wants the children to attend public school in the [Home School District].
- PEW says that her work schedule changes occasionally and that LM was not flexible when her schedule changed.
- PEW states that LM uses the children when he is angry at her.
- PEW states she believes that LM’s petition is financially driven and if LM had the children he would be in a better position to keep the marital residence.
- PEW indicates that LM has a “hair-trigger” temper and that he is “very controlling.” She says that LM went for anger management counseling.
- PEW states that she doesn’t have to work on Mondays and does not go into work until 5PM on Fridays.
The fact that these are essentially all lies or otherwise misrepresented will be a common theme during this effort and pretty much all of her court related petitions. The CE will support her.
#1 shouldn’t even be in the report because not only did we both agree on where the boys would go to school, when PEW unagreed months later, a judge decided the matter and it was not relevant to these proceedings. The CE completely disregarded that fact despite it being brought to her attention.
#2 is a flat-out lie. All I ever did, married or split, was change my schedule to accommodate her whims. Her chosen scheduling changes. Her days where she didn’t feel like being a parent. Almost anything and everything. At the very time of this evaluation, I pointed this out to the CE that my current schedule had me home more than an hour earlier to accommodate PEW’s work schedule. NEVER vice-versa. Ignored.
#3 is a flat-out lie and pure, unbridled projection on the part of PEW.
#4 is a flat-out lie and a common theme (projection) for the money-centric psycho ex-wife. You’ll notice that none of the child-centered reasons for not wanting to sell the house even crossed her mind.
#5 is a flat-out lie, projection and an absolutely perfect, vivid description of who the PEW was as a spouse.
#6 who gives a shit? Funny how the CE mentions that but doesn’t mention the email I was prepared to show her which indicated that PEW was intending to switch to a full-time day schedule and only delayed that decision until after the evaluation was handed down. It made her look better to be “home during the week to be with the children” (Even though they would BOTH be in school. How transparent.)
THE DETAILS: LM initially believed that a 50/50 arrangement would be best. However, during the sessions he indicated that he now believes it would be best for him to have primary custody of the boys for the following reasons…
- LM is concerned about the long-term viability of parochial school due to declining enrollment. He believes that [Home School District] will meet the children’s needs.
- LM wants to have the decision-making for the children because he believes he is capable of making better decisions than the mother on behalf of the children.
- LM believes he is better able than PEW to provide the children with a stable, secure home environment. He indicates that the children have friends who will be going to school with them at [Public Elementary School] which is only a few blocks from their home. He says he can drop the children off at school and pick them up when school is over. In addition, he is close by for any emergencies which may arise.
- LM says the children are comfortable in their home and the mother lives in an apartment without a yard for the children to play in.
- LM indicates that the mother has difficulty setting limits for the children and that the children do not act out for him.
- LM worries about PEW’s work schedule leaving her “burned out on Mondays” and unable to care adequately for the children. In addition, he has concerns about the mother leaving the children with her sister for childcare because the mother’s sister “tried to commit suicide” a couple of years ago.
Oy-vey! The following comments are made with a hint of hindsight in play. Tell me if you can see how things have been worded to “meet” or otherwise support PEW’s accusations.
#1 While an accurate portrayal of a portion of my concerns, I again assert that this issue was irrelevant to the matter at hand and I still cannot begin to understand why the CE put so much focus on this. The matter was decided. The children were already going to public school for 3 full months by the time the report was submitted and for more than half of the actual CE sessions. The matter was decided!
#2 While I know that these are really summaries of larger issues, this reeks of reading like I want to be the control-freak dad. She makes no mention of all of the wild things PEW had done over the course of the summer, including breaking into the marital home. She ignored the restraining order which was accepted by PEW without a trial and in force at the time. This occurred right smack in the middle of the custody evaluation and the CE flat-out dismissed the occurrence as irrelevant and my restraining-order as “nothing more than lawyer posturing to gain an upper-hand in these custody proceedings.” I knew I was dead at that very moment. My confidence was nuked with that outright dismissal. She also dismissed documents of a desire to commit suicide written by PEW herself. If ever a man presented clear and convincing evidence of stability and child-focused decision-making ability in himself and the polar-opposite in his PEW - I did it. It didn’t matter one bit.
#3 Again with the irrelevant school issue - a matter that was already decided.
#4 While accurate, an oversimplification and much colder version of what I explained. PEW’s apartment was of nice size and accommodation. I simply pointed out that keeping their close friends, their great neighbors, and having a yard in which to blow off some energy was a vital aspect of their growth. These were a few of the things that an apartment complex didn’t afford the children at that time. The most important part was that PEW and I were in close proximity to one another, a mere 10- to 15-minutes and an unnecessary and unjustifiable forced sale of the house was in no one’s best interests. Not even The PEW’s!
#5 Perfectly accurate.
#6 Partially accurate. However, I made a specific note in my notes about the quotation marks around “tried to commit suicide.” To me, it seemed to imply an unfounded accusation. It was documented. It also was documented that she was diagnosed bipolar, was a substance abuser, was not in therapy, and not following her course of treatment to properly manage her mental illness. I guess none of that was relevant to the CE.
Summary of “Best Interest” Issues Revealed by the Parent’s Concerns:
(That sounds so meaningful. It sounds really important. The fact is, it’s a bunch of bullshit words strung together to screw a father.)
1 - Which parent’s work schedule makes them more available to the children during the school week. (Emphasis added by LM)
2 - What are the parents’ parenting skills? (This based on our own 20-some minutes of interaction in a sterile, office environment with some strange lady watching us without saying anything.)
3 - Does one parent have a more stable, secure home environment for the children than the other parent?
4 - Are the children more bonded with one parent than the other?
…..
We’ll find out soon enough. A separate post will be dedicated to addressing just how completely and utterly ludicrous these questions are in the context of this or any custody evaluation.
Next segment - Impressions & Observations of the Kids…
November 4th, 2008 at 4:31 pm
I am reading this series of posts with bated breath. My PEW has just requested a custody evaluation for our three boys. We’ll find out if the judge grants it on November 12 (I imagine she probably will), and we’ll go from there. In the meantime, I want to read and do everything I can to prepare.
November 4th, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Prepare to get your ass kicked if your system is set up in any way, shape, or form like ours. Prepare to get your ass kicked if it’s filled with biased, “status quo”, mother-favoring scumbags who would ignore documented evidence in the favor of helping keep the system running to extract as much money from you as they can possibly get their hands on.
Thunderstrike, I’ve been through three of them… and not a one was anything better than disappointing… and 2 of the 3 were outright catastrophes.
November 5th, 2008 at 8:49 am
[...] Next up… How Things Work. [...]
November 5th, 2008 at 6:42 pm
Well, I’m girding up for it. We have a hearing in one week to talk about how s/he (Oh, did I mention that my ex-wife is now my ex-husband? She’s decided she’s a guy and is going through the sex-change thing, and she’s claiming that my son’s therapist and I are biased against “transgendered individuals.”) is refusing to allow my son to go to his therapy appointments, is refusing to pay for any of the appointments, is refusing to pay for her portion of the childcare and having her new girlfriend watch the kids after school, and how she’s making things up and accusing my current mother-in-law of being a “known drug addict.”
Anyway, I’m hoping the hearing goes well. I’ve already got 50% custody, and she ended up having to pay ME child support (which she also spent a year dodging), so I feel like I’m in a pretty solid position. *crosses fingers*
November 25th, 2008 at 11:32 am
I am the common law wife of a man who has been going through hell for the last four years with his PEW. I am almost positive she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Everything described and more he has gone through. I am a woman and I can attest from what I’ve seen over the last year that the courts do favour woman and do everything in their power to ensure that women get custody of the kids.
In our particular case, my common law husband (CLH) and his PEW separated in the summer of 2005. During their marriage, his PEW was never around, always taking “personal” vacations and going on shopping sprees. She had an eating disorder, Bulimia, among other problems. Apparently abused as a child by her father and brother and witness to extreme violence and abuse as a child, she emerged as a very screwed up adult. Unfortunately my CLH had no idea until after they separated the extent of her problems.
They had two children, very cute little girls currently aged 9 and 6. PEW was never around and expected my CLH to care for the girls. She would simply take off on another “personal” vacation and leave him with the girls.
Her work schedule is such that she is not home most evenings or weekends. He would have the girls. She also took up a competitive sport which took anywhere from 4 to 6 nights of training and numerous trips out of the country for weeks at a time. He would have the girls. She also decided that she was “confused” about her sexuality and went on a “finding herself” mission, sleeping with many men and woman at the same time. She spent considerable time doing this during which he would have the girls. She decided that she needed more time away and took six to eight vacations a year, each two to three weeks at a time, without the children, with various lovers. He would have the girls. Even when the girls were sick and home from school and she was not working, she would expect my CLH to take the day off work and care for the girls while she went out with her friends and lovers. He would take the girls.
During the marriage and following separation, my CLH has been paying absolutely everything. She is living in his house which he owned well before they married. He pays the mortgage, taxes, insurance, utilities, etc. She pays for absolutely nothing except her own groceries, which are very little as she is not there and the kids spend most of their time with us. In addition to refusing to be financially responsible for anything during and after marriage, she is a compulsive spender and would continuously spend his money as well as hers.
This was the situation up until the end of 2007. Essentially, she was living the life. No financial or parental responsibilities. Simply living the high life. And trust me, I can honestly attest to all of this. I have observed her BPD traits for two years.
At the end of 2007, my CLS finally had enough as he was simply running out of money paying for his own household and hers while caring and paying for all of the childrens needs as well. He simply asked her to contribute towards her own household expenses. He suggested that she take on the cable bill and maybe the heat and hydro. She freaked. She immediately hired a lawyer and litigation began two weeks later.
Since then, for this past year, we have been to court several times and are currently in a court ordered custody evaluation process. I was quite shocked by our court system.
Here is a guy who has been nothing but generous and supportive their entire marriage and during separation.
All of a sudden there are accuations flying that were never heard of before. His PEW went to Court saying she was afraid of him, that he was violent and abused her and that he never allowed her to have the kids which is why she only saw them for less than 15% of the entire year.
The Judge (who apparently is known for rash angry decisions against men) would not even let him speak. She immediately put a restraining order against him, even though there was nothing but this accuation from PEW, and took the children from him. The Judge actually told my CLH that he should “be ashamed of himself for having the girls this much” that “men never get their children that much”. Those are her actual words.
After that court hearing, his PEW began alientating the girls from their father. Involving them in divorce issues. Demanding more time with the girls even though she was not available to be with them. She demanded signficant time and immediately hired a babysitter and went out. She refused to allow my CLH to take the children on a vacation and demanded that she have the girls even though she already had firm plans (with airline tickets in hand) to be out of the country at the time. When this was raised with the next judge his comment was “it is irrelevant what she does with the children on her time”.
The second time we went to Court, over custody and access, the Judge walked into the room, sat down and apoligized for not having read the material. The material by the way had about 10 volumes of evidence of neglect and abuse by the PEW of the children, including reports from the Children’s Aid Society and the police. He admited that he had no idea what the case was about other than a fight over custody and access of children.
The PEW immediately began with what a victim she was and how horrible my CLH was. The Judge looked at him, without even allowing a word, and said about him, “I know his type”. I kid you not that was the first ten minutes of the trial. The rest went downhill from there. I could go on and on but it was an unbelieveable day in court. Very biased comments were made by the judge such as, when asking about summer access, “fathers dont take their daughters to soccer”.
There were numerous important details brought to the judge’s attention regarding PEW’s neglect and abuse of the girls and the judge dismissed them. As an example to show exactly how biased the judge was related to her sedating the children when she brought lovers into the house.
It was proven, and admitted to by her own statement, that she would give Gravol to the girls to sedate them when her lovers came over to the house during the day to do drugs and have sex. The judge actually reprimanded my CLS for this by saying, “how dare you try to make her look bad by saying she is drugging the children. Gravol is a common household product that many mothers give to their children. It is not a drug”. When it was raised that she was doing drugs the judge angrily asked my CLH if the children were present in the home when she was doing the drugs. When my CLH said he had no idea, the judge said then it wasn’t his business.
His PEW admitted to doing drugs, to having multiple lovers both male and female in the home, to putting the kids in daycare on her days, to leaving them alone in the house and in the van while she went shopping, etc.etc. None of it mattered. The only thing that the judge took into account was the PEW’s accusation that he was violent and scared her. The judge reduced my CLH’s time with the girls on the “promise” of PEW that she would spend time with them and not put them into daycare. I kid you not, he actually said, “She promised not to do that anymore and so she wont and she will get the children”. Unbelievable.
We have now been court ordered to a custody evaluation which is almost completed. We had no idea such a thing existed or would have asked for it sooner. We have no idea at this point what the results will be but are hoping that it is better than what was experienced by biased and ignorant judges in court.
At a minimum, someone has finally looked at the evidence in front of them and heard what has been going on for the last few years. I would find it hard to believe that someone would be able to completely dismiss the hard evidence of neglect and abuse by the PEW….however, I have experienced that in court so I’m not holding my breath.
In addition, everyone underwent psychological testing which we can only hope reveals her as a true BPD that we know her to be.
As we have never gone through such a process before, we have no idea how it will turn out and can only hope that this custody evaluator is a fair and unbiased person who will look at all the facts and base her decision on the true bests interests of these girls.
December 2nd, 2008 at 4:53 pm
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October 13th, 2009 at 9:58 am
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