The Psycho Ex Wife

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This particular exchange makes for some long reading. Despite this, it still must also be split up, lest I risk you falling asleep and banging your face on the keyboard. I would suggest that you grab a cup of coffee, a donut, and find a comfortable seat before continuing. We’ll wait…………………….

The following exchanges take place between May 25th, 2005 and June what-the-hell-ever first week of 2005 (cue theme noise for the television show 24). It pre-dates the stories told during “The Big Confrontations Series” from 2005 regarding the screwed up vacation plans and such.  It’s the pre-beg that occurred right around the same time as the begging that I wrote about in the series “A Father Begs for Meaningful Custody Time…”

May 25th, 2005

Ok LM. I will consider your proposal. But I’ll need flexibility on your part. I think we could try it your way, but I’m not willing to sign anything because I want to see how the boys handle it. If they get down there and they are crying to come home, I want them to be able to come home.

I disagree with everything you’ve said in this email. My reasons for disagreeing with you are way more simple than what you state. You left. I don’t think this should effect the boys so profoundly. The animosity I feel towards you has everything to do with the way you’ve conducted yourself over the past year and a half.

I will do this for the kids, but in their best interest I’m not willing to make it a court order…yet. Take it or leave it.

~PEW

Comment: “Take it or leave it.”  Negotiation - PEW-style!

May 27th, 2005

PEW:

Well we can certainly keep trying to negotiate something acceptable. I’ve accepted the fact that it’s not going to be exactly what I want…..but you need to realize it can’t be exactly what you want either.

Comment: We’re negotiating with a terrorist here.  It won’t end up being much of anything I want.

LM:

I realized that when you were unwilling to accept the first proposal. So I modified it. Then, I realized it when you were unwilling to accept the second proposal. So I modified that. Now, I realize that you are unwilling to accept the third proposal, which really shows me that you are, as usual, unwilling to accept anything that I come up with unless it is an agreement that you come up with. I’ve modified three times and you always find a way to come up with an excuse, like this “it’s not good for the boys” with no real specifics except a host of internet-found articles that I can counter at least 1-for-1 with my own. You’ll even state so in the face of counselors who have unequivocally stated that “these boys need to spend more time with their father.” You say I am selfish and greedy while arguing against allowing the boys to spend primary time with their father for two months while you have them primary for ten months. It doesn’t compute.

You say I am a wonderful father in one session and then claim to “not trust” or otherwise question my decision-making throughout the entirety of our marriage where the boys are concerned. It doesn’t compute.

You assert that I am not there to help you and that you need help and that these boys need paternal guidance… all while arguing against the very things you claim you need. It doesn’t compute.

Deep down, you know that it is, in fact, in the boys best interest to spend an appreciable amount of time with their father. But the sad fact is you realize that the only thing you have left to “fight” about is the children. It’s the last thing left that you believe is in your control and can be used because you know how much it means to me to have them with me for some significant level of time. And you know what? You’re putting up these roadblocks preventing me and the boys from having that time together, time that is important to the children and their development and the people who will suffer the most as a result - are, of course, S1 and S2. I understand the fear that is being without the children for two weeks at a time, but we grown-ups are supposed to be able to manage that and do what is right for the children.

While claiming it’s “all about me” - the stark reality is that this is all about you and your desire to use whatever means necessary to “get back” at me for the hurts you believe you’ve suffered during our relationship. Even the children. It’s not fair to them, PEW.

You would always have the same access to them as I currently have. If you needed to come down and visit for a day-trip or a weekend, you could do that. They are always a phone-call away at a minimum. If we visit Mom some weekend, you could roll right over for a visit there. But it’s not about the boys. It’s about having one last thing to control. I’m absolutely convinced. Even when Gloria asked you when you described how much of a hardship it is and how much work it is and what a burden taking care of these boys are on you now that we are divorced, “…why don’t you consider switching the custody arrangement and giving LM primary custody during the school year?” Of course you wouldn’t. You would lose “control.”

PEW:

I acknoweldge that it is very dedicated how you drive up here every other weekend and I’ll commit to that on a trial basis, but I think eventually you’ll burn out on that so let’s see where that goes before we make that permanent.

Comment: I never did burn out on that.  Strange how she never did change things and continued to fight and fight and fight and fight…

LM:

These are empty words. The children are suffering no damaging effects as a result of the every other weekend visits. Granted, they are sad during the transition and express that they miss me and want to spend more time with me, but that would be the case with any exchange. It is an incredibly difficult time for them, but continuing your efforts to minimize my relationship with them because of your anger and resentment will harm them far more in the long run than every-other-weekend visits and primary time during the summer with dad.

PEW:

As I explained to you before, I can’t afford to go get another lawyer, so I would much prefer that we work this out between us, but that certainly doesn’t not mean that I’ll give in to something that I don’t think is “great” for the boys.

Comment: Of course.  Let’s work things out with you agreeing to every single demand I make and save me the time and expense of having to hire an attorney to do the dirty work for me.  Please?  We can work it out.

LM:

Proposal 1 would give them a maximum amount of time with me during the summer, but you claimed that two 3-1/2 hour trips during those weekends were too burdensome for the children, despite the fact that they sleep peacefully during most of the drive time.

SO…

Proposal 2 addressed that concern with a simple, cut & dry 3 weeks with dad, 1 week with mom during July and August. That dramatically reduces the travel time and still sees them spend primary time with dad. But then you said being away from mom for three weeks was too burdensome for the children. Okay then…

SO…

Proposal 3 dropped a weekend in between long visits with mom several times so that mom wasn’t without the children for longer than 2 weeks. Still, 2-drive weekends were reduced, though not as much, and now that STILL “isn’t good for the children,” although now, you’ve run out of specific excuses as to why that won’t work.

What truly needs to happen here is for you to let go of your animosity towards me. You need to find a way to cope with your separation anxiety, I know, I’ve lived it. You need to recognize the importance to the CHILDREN of my request and try to pick one of the three meaningful plans above. An ongoing summer plan and school year plan is the last thing that needs to be resolved and then maybe you will be able to move on without having something to fight about anymore. There is no more divorce to fight about. There is no more house to fight about. There is no more money to fight about. The last thing you should be fighting about is this custody arrangement.

Comment: Remember - there is no agreement or proposal that you will ever come up with that a BPD will ever agree with.  If you weren’t convinced by anything else you’ve read, the above part must push you over the line.  Every single offer was met with another hurdle to jump.  Had I continued to a 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th proposal… the result would have been the same.  The BPD just will NOT give up the engagement under any circumstances short of death.

PEW:

Maybe we’ll be able to talk tonight. S1 had a high fever last night, so I was laying with him and putting a cool rag on his head and stuff so I was unable to call you back. He’s home again today.

Comment: Oh!  He made another perfectly legitimate point!  ABORT ABORT ABORT!

May 31st, 2005

PEW:

I tried to call you today because I had a few questions about the summer.

LM:

Got the message… it’s not easy to make time to call about such things from work. Additionally, we had a 2-hour power outage which kinda made things get a little nuts for a bit.

PEW:

I’m a little nervous because I feel like you’re avoiding communication. I would hate to find out that something “underhanded” is going on, especially when I am trying to make an honest effort here. I heard what Gloria said about the animosity being a very bad thing for the boys. So I guess I’m wondering, am I going to get a phone call or petition in the mail any day now??

Comment: Gloria said that.  Does that mean PEW will stop?  Of course not.  My not acceding to her demands = LM causing the animosity.

LM:

Nope, I’m not avoiding communication. There is a lot going on right now. We’re packing and preparing to move and trying to get things switched, you must know how that is. I have to grab a calendar, sit down, and prepare to talk to you about the summer schedule and everything else.

PEW:

I was wondering what the plan was for the boys when you are at work?

LM:

Right now, the “usual and customary” stuff. There are a lot of things to do at the new place, including playgrounds, parks, the lake, etc. I have to now start making calls to see about camp-related items (if appropriate), if they take kids on a schedule the likes of which we have laid out (and only assuming which schedule you want to work with). The nanny teaches things and plays games, and does crafts and things, too, but again, we haven’t really talked to her about specifics given that there was no movement on the schedule up to this point.

PEW:

Will they be able to talk to me during the day. I’d actually rather do that than at bedtime because it’s pretty chaotic at bedtime.

Comment: Bedtime is NEVER “chaotic” at our home.  It shouldn’t be at hers, either.  No, this had nothing to do with chaos (at least not generated by the children).  It had everything to do with intruding on their day and having someone else (either DW or the Nanny) on the hook to talk with her, whenever and wherever she called for them.  I don’t think so.  Still, I take the diplomatic approach…

LM:

I don’t see why not. Additionally, if you were to call between 7PM and 8PM, I would be sure to make sure that things weren’t chaotic or that they were otherwise distracted so that they can talk to you without all that going on. I guess it really would just depend if they were at the house or not (during the day). I would expect that they might spend a lot of time at the beach.

PEW:

If they are going to be with DW, is she going to be able to handle having to talk to me from time to time if I want to call and check in? I’m not going to be cut off from they simply because they are not with you am I?

LM:

She sure will. She’s right near the top of the list of people who would love to see us move beyond all of the BS. I assure you, she’s looking forward to the day where we weren’t waiting for the next problem or issue to arise. She’s been able to handle talking to you in the past and I see no reason why that can’t continue in the future.

PEW:

The other thing we have to work out is the exact weeks and then the weekends. I am definately taking some time off the first week in July, so I’d like to have them then.

LM:

Well let’s check the calendar and make appropriate arrangements.

PEW:

I was also thinking of taking a long weekend the week school ends and taking them down the shore, then maybe I’ll drive down to your house so I can see where you guys live and meet the babysitter. I suppose we’ll need to work these things out.

LM:

Yes, we will. Perhaps after I call and speak to the kids, I can call again later on, after they are in bed and we can get to work on some of these things.

PEW:

We don’t know what Gloria thought yet. You presume too much, you did the same thing with Dr. JB. Don’t put words into Gloria’s mouth until we see her report. In fact, she told me that she didn’t think every other weekend to [homestate] was a good idea. We’ll see what Gloria really thinks when the report is completed, until then, please don’t presume to be able to read her mind.

In the mean time, please don’t threaten me about my sister living with me. She loves the boys and helps me out alot. Them living with Aunt DUI is no worse than living with you. Her moving is NOT in the best interest of the children. She has always behaved totally appropriately around them….ALWAYS. There has never been one incident with them.

I will only make “informal” arrangements for the summer because I want to see how the boys react to the long periods of time away from me. If you want a court order, then we have nothing to talk about. I have their best interests always at the top of my list…..and I’m not sure spending all that time away from me, is in their best interest, but I was willing to try it in “good faith”. If that isn’t good enough for you then you can have 2 weeks vacation during the summer, just as is stated in the current court order.

Comment: Yes, because I’m the “same thing” as a substance-abusing, alcoholic, untreated diagnosed bipolar, criminal, serial drunk-driving train-wreck of a human being.

Do I really need to link to all of the inappropriate things Psycho-SIL has done, including TO one or both children?

LM:

Wasn’t filing for divorce “committing the kids” to something they’ve never done before? How about moving out? Wasn’t that “committing the kids” to something they’ve never done before? How about living with Aunt DUI and the potential negative consequences of that which were of serious concern to Gloria as well? How about forcing the sale of the marital home (the only home the children have essentially ever known, with great friends, great neighbors, etc.) after repeated warnings that after legal fees, you would probably only end up with what my last best offer would afford (and has proven to be true)? How come you are only ever concerned about the children when it comes to time spent with me? You really need to stop with this mindset that the only decisions that have the potential to negatively impact the children are the ones I’ve made - and certainly dispense with the notion that time spent with me will result in a negative impact. Gloria didn’t get it. I don’t get it. And most reasonable individuals wouldn’t get it, either.

You’re missing the point. You are always being paranoid about me doing something “underhanded.” Now I am being forthright and you have a problem with that, too. The point is, if you don’t want to make this a formal court order, that’s fine, but know that it won’t delay the process. Also, if for some reason this arrangement was of significant detriment to the children, it would be in their best interest for adjustments to be made by both of us.

Comment: Without a shred of a doubt, I’m absolutely correct on every single point, yet… I continue to beat the deadest of horses.  She’s NEVER cared, but I keep doing the same shit over and over and over again.

PEW:

This is very typical of you isn’t it? This whole divorce process has been one thing after the other with you doing stuff that is NOT in the best interest of the children.

LM:

No, these are the lies that you tell yourself to make yourself feel better about the decisions you’ve made, which include (in no particular order):

• Filing for divorce.
• Moving out.
• Suing to change where we planned on S1 to go to school AFTER the divorce issue was brought up, knowing full well that you were the one who originally registered him to go to [local award-winning elementary school].
• Suing for support when I wouldn’t agree to pay you 50/50 money when the original planned arrangement was rather different from that, then changing to a work schedule that was more financially beneficial to you for child support.
• Filing injunctions and motions for stuff that was nonsensical.
• Allowing Aunt DUI to cohabitate with the children knowing that she is not well, doesn’t always take the best care of herself, and has a long, storied history of backsliding and other rather scary issues.
• Introducing the children to Kevin when you knew you weren’t serious enough about a relationship with him to warrant such an introduction (especially given all of the hemming and hawing about the boys’ introduction to DW, which at least I planned for by talking to counselors and giving you notice and taking it VERY seriously - a courtesy you didn’t afford me).
• Sticking with an attorney that NEVER had the best interests of the children in mind, just ways for you to extract the maximum amount of cash that she *thought* you could obtain from me.

The list goes on. So while you continue to attempt to convince yourself that it is “everyone else” acting to the detriment of the children, you better take a good, long look in the mirror.

PEW:

You go ahead and file your petition or your motion or whatever. I’ll be making plans for the kids for the rest of the summer. They need someone to look out for them….obviously we’re not on the same page. In addition, I am not making it a court order that they go to [home state] every other weekend. I’ll wait for Gloria’s [CE] report.

Comment: It’s an amazing gift that they have… they just completely and utterly (and so smoothly and easily) fail to ever acknowledge reality even when it’s dumped in heaping piles right in their faces.  This is what makes those of us suffering with a Borderline Psycho Ex-Wife feel like we’re the ones who have gone completely insane.

LM:

That is fine, I have no problem with that. For the record, I have found out that my move doesn’t not automatically nullify the previous agreement. So, if you want to make plans for the whole summer for them, be sure to account for every weekend except for 1 with you and two floating weekdays, which I will be sure to wrap around appropriate weekends that they are with me.

PEW:

Thanks again for screwing me and the kids over.

Comment: Oh, poor put-upon, PEW.

LM:

Stop portraying yourself as the “poor, poor victim.” You’re not. As I said, I have no problem making agreed upon arrangements for the summer - either formally or informally. THE POINT IS - if you don’t want to make it a court order, I have no choice but to go ahead and file for a court hearing. I will not allow you to use this requirement of “informality” as another delay tactic. So, again, in an effort to avoid the false portrayal that I do things “underhandedly” and give you a heads-up - you STILL find a problem with it. Did you really expect that I wasn’t going to continue the process if you didn’t want to do a formal agreement? Didn’t you ask me not to “surprise” you with unannounced filings in your mailbox?

Finally, stop calling my desire to spend as much time as possible with the kids “screwing them over.” It’s not the truth. You know it, Gloria knew it, I know it. By refusing to do what is right by the children and time spent with their father… time that they need for appropriate development given the circumstances - the only one positioning themselves to “screw over” the children - is you. That’s reality, PEW.

So, I will be calling you tonight to discuss a schedule proposal (either formal or informal) tonight. If at that time you don’t want to discuss it further, you can let me know. If that is the case, I will send you a schedule that is in accordance with our current custody order for the summer months until the matter goes to court. I hope by then Aunt DUI has found some other living arrangements… it’s unfortunate, but it IS in the best interest of the children - Gloria essentially said so.

PEW:

Again, I have never with held visitation from you….never. I’ve encouraged you to spend extra time with them and you even turned me down several times when we were sharing custody and I offered an extra visit here and there. The fact is you’ve repeatedly asked for less and less and less and less time with the kids. I’m expecting soon for you to tell me you don’t want to see them at all. We started out with 50/50, then 60/40, then 70/30….now we’re at 95.5/.5….you are just doing this to save face with the people around you and your already alienated family. (except for your mother). Spare us all LM, the only person who doesn’t know the true you….is DW and we know you want to keep it that way. AGAIN…stop harrassing me or I will be taking you to court sooner than you want.

Comment: The other insanity with which we deal - their uncanny ability to just recreate history and make it something it never ever was.  (And they believe their bullshit, too…)

LM:

Do you really believe the lies you tell yourself, PEW? What’s truly scary is that I think you do believe your lies. You refused to give them to me on my birthday last year. You outright LIE when you say you “offered extra visits.” It was like pulling teeth to get you to agree to extra time. And truth be told, you never once called to see them during times when they weren’t in your custody. You don’t even call them regularly when they are visiting down here! You can’t remember their birthdays. You can’t remember when we were married. (Imagine Gloria’s surprise when I informed her that you were YEARS wrong on that date in addition to the children’s birthdays.) I had them 60-65% of the time until you changed your work schedule to that ridiculous weekend stint to maximize your income stream.

Then, after negotiating to CONTINUE the 50/50 arrangement that was in place, you modified the custody agreement TWICE after [my attorney] had drawn it up. Under your ongoing threats to go to court with Sonya’s report, you get what you threatened and have been whining ever since.

Tell you what, if that’s what you believe, then why not really call my bluff and reverse the custody situation? And if you’re still unwilling to do that, then commit to the reasonable summer schedule I’ve offered (third revision to address your ever-changing “concerns”) and see if you’re correct in your assessment. Consider it a challenge to your beliefs. If what you believe is the truth, put up or shut up. The schedule is ready, all you need to do is “call my bluff” and let’s send it off to Gloria.

My bet is you don’t do it. Stop deluding yourself and stop using the children as pawns in your vendetta against me. It’s only doing them harm and your efforts are becoming clearly evident to more people than you know. Count on that.

PEW:

It wasn’t that long ago that you suggested that I ask Aunt DUI to live with me. I’ll look for an email in my records to that effect. You remember that don’t you? You also have knowingly put the kids in her hands MANY times yourself, as recently as last month!!! Please do not preach as IF you are “looking out” for the kids. If you really cared you wouldn’t have moved. This is another tactic to scare me and manipulate and intimidate. I am trying to do my best for the boys, but you can’t stop yourself from harrassing me can you?

LM:

I’m not harassing you. As always, I’m just setting you straight on the facts in the face of your oft-repeated fiction. The facts are, Aunt DUI living with you is of concern to me. Not only weren’t you forthright with me about it (until I heard from S1), but you were deliberately not forthright with Gloria about it. If the concerns SHE expressed to you don’t have an impact, then sadly, I don’t believe anything will. Perhaps, like most other things that don’t meet with your line of thinking, you just outright dismissed her concerns because they don’t jive with your line of thinking. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time.

PEW:

Truth be told….you don’t really want the boys for the summer, I called your bluff didn’t I? Now you know we’ll be tied up in court all summer. I have aquiessed to all over your browbeating over the past year. Once again, you won…but it wasn’t on your terms exactly, so we’re back to square one.

LM:

I’ve “won” nothing. This isn’t a game to me. The only bluffs that were called were yours. I would love to have them primary custody. In the face of your bellyaching and whining over the hardship the divorce you wanted has caused you, Gloria asked you point blank - if it’s such a problem, why not reverse the custody arrangement?

Truth be told, I want them for exactly the time I specified (in the 3rd revision of the request… YOUR terms, as usual, not mine) and if possible - more. However, as the children are the only thing that you can continue to hold hostage over me, because you are consumed with “getting back” at me and if that means using the children as a weapon, you will do it and are doing it.

No bluffs here. Let’s do the agreement informally. I didn’t say that I wouldn’t do an agreement informally. I have no problem with that, I was just letting you know that, unfortunately, I cannot allow it to be used as a method of delaying the process. The whole point of [the custody evaluation] is to come to an agreement without going to court. However, that process is used as a means of entering an agreement with the courts, not do something outside the courts that you can manipulate as you please.

PEW:

Please don’t presume that Gloria’s report is going to be roses and sunshine for LM, we can never predict these things. Only Gloria knows what her report is going to say.

LM:

I absolutely do not have any expectations where Gloria’s report is concerned. You’re absolutely right, you never do know with situations such as these. At no time did I allude to any expectations. One thing she did say she would be putting in the report was her concerns about the living arrangement with PP (Aunt DUI) and your lack of honesty where that situation was concerned… but even her say-so is no guarantee.

Comment: How could I have any expectations after my experiences with the first custody evaluator?  No, ma’am - you can bet your ass that I knew that anything could happen when it came to the court-connected Custody Evaluators, Inc.

PEW:

Speaking of people we live with, I still haven’t looked into DW’s past either. Is her business on the up and up? There are all different kinds of criminals. Does she have any history of drug or alchohol problems? How bout mental health issues?

LM:

Her business is an honest one and we know you’ve read her articles and such.

PEW:

How bout you? You have a police record right? If you were randomly tested for drugs or alchohol, would you be clean?

LM:

No criminal record, no drug abuse issues. You keep making those accusations with no basis on which to make them except for acting hysterical.

PEW:

Check your own house before you start looking into mine!

LM:

I have. And I’m not “looking into” yours. Gloria was concerned based on the information YOU provided her (and some information that you didn’t), not anything I “looked into.” Just your paranoia rearing its ugly head again.

Again, I implore you to focus on the children, not yourself, not your family. THE CHILDREN. This is no longer about our divorce despite your constantly trying to bring stuff up, even in counseling. Get over it, get on with your life. Let’s get a meaningful custody agreement in place. I know it’s tough given that the children is the only thing you have left to use against me, but it really needs to be done.

Oh, and thanks for the clarification on the “Wocket in My Pocket” issue. The only reason I would think it was something negative would be the history of your family teaching the boys inappropriate songs like “Cuckoo I’m a shitbird” and that ilk. My apologies for the error on “Wocket in My Pocket.” I appreciate the clarification.

Part 2 will be forthcoming…