The Psycho Ex Wife

Have your own psycho ex? Get a FREE Report on "Why Co-Parenting Doesn't Work", or learn how to win child custody with a custody coach.

At this point, in the late-Spring, early-Summer of 2005, DW and I decided to try to plan a summer vacation that included all of the children at a beach resort town we’ll call Bolivar Beach. DW is the main planner for such activities. She’s actually a miracle worker in that regard!

And so it was, in April of 2005, plenty of advanced notice, she reserved a place for us to stay at Bolivar Beach. Our vacation would be from July 9th through July 16th, 2005. This was communicated to Psycho Ex-Wife via several phone calls and discussed, albeit loosely, in subsequent email exchanges as we raged over making a summer schedule as detailed heavily in the “Father Begs” series.

This rather lengthy exchange will set up Part II (of what I hope to make only III), which is going to take some work. We’re trying to see if we can appropriately edit the voice mails left by Psycho-SIL and Psycho-FIL that would result from my finally “drawing a line in the sand” on an agreement made between PEW and I, which she tried to back out of at the 11th-hour.

Due to her interest, which I thought (at the time) was appropriate, we agreed for her to see our new home so that she could be comfortable with the accommodations, the community, etc. And, the children were really excited that she agreed to come down to see their “other home.” It was HER suggestion which I discussed with DW and I followed up with her via email.

Date: June 27th, 2005 - My Follow-Up Email

PEW,

Regarding your question from last night - I really think it would be a great idea to have you come down here for a couple of reasons:

- I think it is incredibly important for the boys to see our positive interaction at their [Father Home] (in addition to their [Mother Home]).  I think that they will be excited to see you come to get them and excited to tell you all the stuff about the place.  You can see where we live, how they live (I know that’s important to you) - even take a trip to the beach if you want to see what that’s about, too, before heading back.

- If you leave early in the morning, you can stop and grab a bite to eat for lunch, and then you can have a nice break in the middle of the day here before heading back.

Please let me know.

Sincerely,
LM

June 27th - PEW Reply

Ok LM, I hope that peice of crap car makes it. It’s in the shop right now. Hopefully it’s nothing major.

~PEW

Oh, good grief with the car complaints again!  This would set in motion another Dance of Dysfunction that would occur until July 2nd and beyond…

A few days later… June 29th, 2005

LM,

Can you email me directions please?  Also, I’d like to find out how we are handling the exchange on [July] 10th and the 17th, so we can plan accordingly.

~PEW

Right there it happened.  The subtle stab in the heart.  “July 10th.”  Since April, she knew that our vacation was going to be from July 9th through July 16th.  I noticed it right away and knew we were in trouble.  This occurs after I understand her to be taking the first HALF of the week of July 4th for her vacation.  She couldn’t take the full week because she “didn’t have the vacation time” to do so.  She was going to take the children to her parent’s vacation home from July 3rd through July 7th.  I even moved up the exchange date from 7/3 to 7/1 so that there was a travel buffer because she was coming down to see the place.  Never let it be said that a good deed goes unpunished when dealing with a psycho ex.

PEW,

I will get you directions. However, please note:

My vacation with the boys in Bolivar starts on the 9th, please don’t even pretend to act like you did not know this. I was hoping to pick them up on Friday night the 8th so that we can leave early on Saturday the 9th. You had plenty of advanced notice about this and it was in place long before the forthcoming week with you.

~LM

Now, keep in mind that I had already moved-up the exchange date so that she didn’t have to drive to our home, back to her home, and then down to her parents vacation place all in one day.  Totally irrelevant to the PEW.   I wanted to go get them and return to our home so that we could take one vehicle early in the morning and be able to hit the beach by afternoon.

LM,

That is my vacation week as well and it has been in place as long as yours has. You are unbelievable. Your next week with them begins Sun. the 10th and ends Sun the 17th. That’s a very nice vacation. Can I have a nice vacation with them as well?

~PEW

Of course she can!  She can have the vacation she arranged, planned, and communicated.  All I wanted was the same consideration, like an idiot.  The problem with her complete and total lack of logic is that our place was rented from SATURDAY until SATURDAY.  The plans were put in place and communicated months prior.  Not weeks, but months.  Left out of the explanation was that we were meeting another family (DW’s sister) for the vacation.  It also meant if we didn’t follow the plan, it was going to be 2 cars, 2 separate days, a vacation day lost, and a tremendous amount of extra expense.  Oh, and she’s full of shit about her vacation being planned “for as long as” ours had been.  Ours was planned in April.  Hers… June.

So I sent her reminders of our prior email exchange from June 6th… on June 29th.

PEW,

FYI… now stop going out of your way to ruin my vacation with the children. And please don’t dare try to contend that I wrote this email “to myself.”

From: “LM”
To: PEW
Subject: Your Vacation w/Boys…
Date: Mon, 06 Jun 2005

You haven’t told me specifically when your July Vacation with the boys was scheduled. Is it the week of the 4th?

~LM

From: “PEW”
To: LM
Subject: RE: Your Vacation w/Boys…
Date: Mon, 06 Jun 2005

I would like to have the week of the 4th. I’ve missed alot of work with them being sick so I probably won’t be able to take a whole week though (I had to take almost 3 whole days off). It would be nice if I could get them the 1st, so that I can at least have them the whole holiday weekend.

~PEW

And so we continue…

LM,

I am in touch with the court about this matter. Please do not contact me again.

~PEW

And on…

PEW,

I now have a new lawyer. She will be putting in an “Entry of Appearance” then we can put her and D-Mac in touch with each other.

~PEW

And on…

PEW,

Okay.  That still doesn’t resolve the issue of my vacation with the boys, though.

~LM

And on…

LM,

I will be sending you a certified letter about that. You should receive it in a few days.

~PEW

June 30th was a day without communication between us.  Perhaps to recharge our argument batteries, I don’t know.  On July 1st, she sends this email that demonstrates what is perhaps the 1,000th example of her backing out of agreements.  Nevermind the plans others make on the promises of PEW to do something.  When she decides to change her mind about something, all of the other affected parties are expected to adjust accordingly.  This time, however, I would not.

LM,

I’d really appreciate it if you would meet me halfway tomorrow. Rather than spend the money on a hotel, I’d rather spend it while we are on vacation. I really need to get AAA or something, just in case the car does break down.

I am not doing this to be a jerk, I just really can’t see how I’m going to drive 10 hours in one day, all by myself.  Let me know.

~PEW

Of course she’s doing it to be a jerk.  She made a suggestion followed by a commitment to follow-through.  We made our plans for the weekend accordingly.  Those plans did not involve meeting her halfway.

PEW,

A couple of things that you need to consider:

#1 - The boys are expecting you, and if you really want AAA you can get it activated today without a problem. They are really excited that you are coming down.

#2 - We would have really appreciated it if you had met us halfway all those times we asked, but you didn’t care about that. You express all these concerns about the boys’ safety when it’s convenient for you (conferences/court), but when it comes time to help in doing something to allay those concerns, you fail to step up, constantly coming up with excuses why you can’t do it.

#3 - It’s not my choice that you plan on driving directly to your parent’s house.  You don’t have to or you can “have your family help,” like you so often suggest I do.

#4 - Yet again, you choose saving a buck over doing something that will make it easier on you and the boys. Again, we had an agreement and arrangements made and expectations, and just like so many times before, you are changing them at the 11th hour. You could come down tonight and stay someplace relatively inexpensive to make the Saturday drive a whole lot easier.

Making things easier for each other is a two-way street, PEW… and to-date, I can’t think of one thing you’ve stepped up to do to work together, even when it would be of substantial benefit to the children.  The one time you did, you weren’t going to do it unless you were promised the gas money you demanded. The second time, you cut significantly short the location because it would interfere with your date time with your boyfriend - the one you introduced to our children after a scant few weeks of dating, which I find incredibly irresponsible (not to mention contrary to the “5 or 6 months” you told Gloria you were seeing him).

When are you going to start making “being helpful for one another” that two-way street it should be?

~LM

And on…

LM,

Ok, so you’re telling me that you are not meeting me? I’ll be there Saturday morning at 9.

Well if that is the case, then why would I bring them all the way to Bolivar for you. I was doing that to be nice and accomodating, but I am certainly not obligated to do all that driving.

As far as the boys being excited about me seeing the house, were they around when your “girlfriend” was talking to me last night? Does she express these opinions of me around the children?

We have a real problem here. We really do.

~PEW

Oh, yes, the usual patting herself on the back regarding how accommodating she alleged is.  I’m surprised she left off the “all the time” for this one.  And so begins the tangent that is typical of PEWs - bringing in matters that aren’t relevant to the situation at hand to expand the battlefield to several fronts.

PEW,

What I’m telling you is that we should stick to the plan you agreed to. As for my vacation, my expectation is still to pick up the children on Friday night at bedtime. If you’re not there, that will be what the “real problem” is. You aren’t doing me any favors by telling me that you’ll drop them off in Bolivar, effectively taking away at least one whole day of planned activities that have been in place for months. Plans you knew about before springing “the 10th” on me a couple days ago. You don’t have to drive them to Bolivar, you just have to drive them home and be there in accordance with their vacation plans with me, which isn’t asking too much.  Not at all.

As for last night… DW was in the closet area in the master bathroom.  The master bedroom door was closed. The bathroom door was closed. The children were in bed and I was out in the hallway periodically making sure that nothing could be overheard by anybody. You were talking to her and to my knowledge, she kept a calm, low voice. I can tell you that I didn’t hear her and that was when I was in the bedroom area. Only when I actually walked into the bathroom could I hear anything. As for speaking about you… never. Never, ever around the children and frankly, we have no need nor desire to speak poorly about you amongst ourselves, let alone in front of the children. All I want is for you to stop obsessing about getting back at me and trying so hard to convince everyone who will lend you an ear that I am evil-incarnate. You called up and you specifically ASKED to speak to DW to do just that. Twice I asked you if you were sure and you insisted. Did you really expect to speak to her the way you did and not have her call her on your stories, inconsistencies, and question why you resort to name-calling her when faced with a simple question that you don’t want to answer honestly? Do you even remember some of the things you said?

When the boys are here, we concentrate on our time together, teaching them “stuff,” and how to be polite, respectful, helpful, and friendly to all of the important grownups and others in their lives, including you and your family. Mostly - to have a great time. Even last night, I high-fived S1 and told him how it was great that he spoke to you for so long. He stated that you had a great conversation. That happened because I told him the previous night that if you miss Mom… make a point of talking to her longer on the phone, about your day, her day (notice how he asked you “what did you do today, Mom?”) and how that goes a long way towards helping both of you when you are away from one another. It helps the conversation when you remove them from TV, the computer, playing, etc. so that they can concentrate on talking to you, something I wished you would do in kind when I call. He went to bed with a big smile on his face. He doesn’t need you to buy him stuff for his love, he needs you to pay attention to him. All you do is tell him what you’ll next buy him and all he does is talk about all the things you do buy him. He gets all excited and you think you’ve done your job. You totally scoffed at the rules list that we worked with the children to come up with - all important things that need to be taught and reinforced daily - and you did so without any understanding about just how loving all of that is, not to mention incredibly important to their upbringing. All you sought to do is exploit some language in one of the rules to make it like these kids have the run of the house while the parents are snoring away. How sad.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again - you let your anger and obsession about the past prevent US from moving forward into the future with the best interests of our children in mind. If you don’t namecall, argue, stonewall and prevent me from seeing the children as much as can be made to happen meaningfully for all… there is nothing to fight about.  Why you fail to see that I’ll never understand.

~LM

And on…

LM,

My new lawyer is Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe out of Sometown.

~PEW

And on…

PEW,

That’s fine.  It still doesn’t help us out with regard to vacation.

~LM

And on…

LM,

you’re right, it doesn’t. I have a question for you. why do I get a vacation with the boys from Sat to friday, but your vacation with them is from friday to sunday?

I’ll let you know how I am proceeding after I meet with my lawyer.

~PEW

And on…

PEW,

#1 - My vacation is from Saturday to Saturday, as planned, as you knew.  July 9th to July 16th.

#2 - Your vacation is not from Saturday to Friday. Per your communications both via email and on the phone last night, you’re not staying down the entire week, but suddenly intended to leave the children with your family down [for the balance of the week]. This is why I had intended to pick them up Friday night as per usual. My original request, via several emails was from July 9th through July 22nd, when I laid out all of the Summer dates that I had in mind. You said so in emails and told me the same last night. Forgive me if I don’t think it is fair that you want to leave the boys with your family down the shore instead of permitting me, their father, to take them on a months-planned vacation during the dates when the plans were made. We even discussed it in [the custody evaluation] when WE explained that we had actually agreed on a schedule through my vacation plans - July 9th through the 16th. This was also why she was making an effort to speed up the delivery of the report so that we could either come to an agreement before then or at least have court scheduled for the time shortly thereafter.

Until 2 days ago when you sprung the “exchange on the 10th” on me for the first time, I thought (for once) we had actually had something worked out without conflict. Every other weekend until school was out… the 25th to the 2nd (remember how, at your request, I changed to the 2nd from the 3rd to which we originally agreed)? and for my planned vacation from July 9th to the 16th.

You’re the one wanting to wait until Gloria’s report comes in which is why, I again, had to forgo the 9th-22nd request because we have court on the 20th. Yes, that would be ME sacrificing available time with the boys because YOU want to see what the report says.

Finally, in the grand scheme of things (the entire year), you still have these children far more than I do. As usual, you are looking at the micro-version of the issue and not the macro-version of the issue. I am so trying to maximize the time I have with the boys given our current circumstances and you simply can’t (or won’t) help so that they can spend meaningful time with me. Forgive me if I am having a tough time with your argument over one day when I can’t help but look at the entire year.

So when you are telling people how I don’t negotiate and how I never “give up” anything, you can take a look at the fact that, at your request, I moved from the 3rd to the 1st, and lopped off the 17th to the 22nd because of your desire to see what happens with the report and court.

Here’s another idea… when you come home midweek, bring the children.  I’ll come all the way up there to get them and you won’t have to worry about babysitting and I won’t have to be worried that I’m losing a portion of planned time to get them for a vacation away. I told you before that I don’t believe, given our divorce, that time down [at the vacation house] with your family, particularly when you’re not there, is more important than their spending time with me.

~LM

As this exchange continued through the afternoon while I was at work, I received two phone calls which I let go to voice mail.  One was from Psycho-SIL.  One was from Psycho-FIL. To facetiously say that these were “a real treat” is an understatement.  Aside from making no sense whatsoever, they were threatening, and a glaring example of where the lying and embellishment is rooted in that family.  These phone calls will be the basis for Part II of this crazy exchange. I made no mention of the calls to PEW.  Keep in mind now, PEW was supposed to come down the evening of July 1st.  We’re well into that day now.  Clearly, she wasn’t coming.  We continued…

LM,

I will pick them up tomorrow morning.

Now, show me where I agreed to your vacation being from friday to sunday? I don’t believe an agreement ever took place on that issue.

I hope this is all worth it for you when we get to court because you and DW are looking like a worse and worse place to be, everyday.

~PEW

Of course it does.  We won’t bow to your threats so that makes us automatically a dangerous place for the children to be.

I ignored this one… finally, but would ultimately continue.

LM,

My family does not feel it is safe for me to come pick the kids up by myself, especially in light of the things that your girlfriend was saying to me last night. Please drop the kids off at my house. If DW comes, make sure she stays in the car.

~PEW

Her family, with its criminal history, which includes violence, is afraid of me, with no such criminal history.  There’s some serious projection for you!

PEW,

Sorry, that won’t work. We had an agreement, and for once, my expectation is that you will honor it.

~LM

Keep in mind here, at this point in the process, we don’t have a “Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause” in place.  I was taking a significant chance doing this and believed I had the evidence to back it up when it went to court.  I was just completely fucking fed-up with the circus and decided to stand my ground, regardless of what the consequences might be.

LM,

I am the primary custodial parent. It is a very serious offense to violate the custody order. If the kids are not back in my custody tomorrow, you will be in violation of the court order. We had an agreement, which you and your girlfriend broke, when she said “your kids would be much better off without you, PEW “  Kevin  was listening the whole time, and said she sounded crazy. So, I suggest you bring my kids back and not violate the order. Are my kids even safe? I’m not so sure anymore.

~PEW

I sprained my eyeballs (again) rolling them at that one.  Are “my” kids even safe?  Safer here than there, I assure you.  Kevin, who allegedly thought DW “sounded crazy” - didn’t last very long after their short discussion.

PEW,

If you really feel that way, we can do the exchange at the [our] Police Station. We have other plans based upon your agreement to pick them up here and see where they live and such. This is both via emails earlier this week and as late as this morning.

DW said nothing that would make you feel unsafe last night. You specifically requested to speak with her and did so for over an hour of your own accord, even having Kevin speak with her. I don’t know what you told your family but it can’t be the truth if they are under the impression that you are somehow in danger.

~LM

And on…

LM,

I’ll meet you at [my] Police station. Please have the boys call me, I’ll be recording the conversation too.

~PEW

Ignored…

LM,

the court order that is in force is the every other weekend order. I guess this is when I find out if CAM meant it when he said if you didn’t return the kids, MJM and him would go down there and get them for me.

~PEW

This is rich.  Neither of my brothers ever told her any such thing.  A complete delusion on her part, not surprisingly.

PEW,

We have a current custody order in place until the hearing. I assure you, I’ve checked and I am absolutely not in violation of the current custody agreement that is in force.

If you want to go by the current custody order, I will be only too happy to forward you a schedule for the month that accommodates the planned vacation week, all but one weekend per month (when they are with you) and the two floating weekdays, all to which I am legally entitled.

Let me know how you wish to proceed, time is of the essence and it could change things dramatically for the forthcoming weekend in terms of when the boys are to be picked-up or delivered to you in accordance with the agreement.

As for your fabrications about what was discussed during the phone conversation and your concerns over the safety of the boys, you have nothing to worry about. They are safe, they are happy, and they are excited to see you.

~LM

She plows right through that one…

LM,

Are you bringing the boys home tomorrow?  If we are meeting tomorrow, maybe outside of [another town across the state] would be a better place to meet. There’s a big concert here this weekend and they are expecting like 2 million poeple. Let me know what’s going on.

~PEW

And on…

PEW,

Maybe you should call the custody master again. The every-other-weekend arrangement was an agreement for the balance of the school year so as not to upset the school schedule. Beyond school, the current order remains in force.

~LM

And on…

LM,

It also states that I am to have access to the children by phone and you are not letting them call me back! That is also a violation of the order.

~PEW

And on…

PEW,

You have a lot of nerve for all the times I’ve called and left messages to call me back and you never did.

I got your messages and we will be calling you momentarily. Please stop with the dramatics, PEW. I have always had the courtesy to call you back. ALWAYS… a courtesy, I might add, that is not always reciprocated.

I have not violated any order currently in place. Please make a note of it. You really need to get control of yourself.

~LM

And on…

LM,

The order that states you have the kids 3 weekends per month ended when you moved on March 1st. You are absolutely violating the current order. When are you going to drop them off?

~PEW

Having not responded to the last few consecutive emails from her, it wasn’t long before she called the police in our town on us.  They didn’t come to our home, but they did call.  I answered the phone when “Dadstown Sheriff’s Department” appeared in our caller ID.  The conversation didn’t last long.  Sergeant Friendlyman, after briefly describing PEW, literally, as a “crazy lady” asked me what was going on.  I gave him the “Cliff’s Notes” version.  She wanted to come down here and get the children.  I wasn’t scheduled to return them until the 3rd.  She changed her mind but still wanted me to return the children all the way to her 4-hours away 2-days before I was required to by the court order.

He called PEW back before calling us again.  He told us that he told her to stop calling them, they were not going to bother coming out to visit us.  When she insisted that I was withholding the children from her, Sgt. Friendlyman tossed out this conversation ending verbal bombshell…

“Ma’am, the only person keeping you from seeing your children - is you.  Please don’t call here again on this.  It is not a police matter.”

I could have kissed him myself through the phone.  With that, he told us to “try” to enjoy our weekend.

That would be all for this portion.  Sorry for it’s length, but after discussing this with DW, my options were a long, drawn-out multi-part mess, or a consolidated version where we would try to keep it at 3 parts…

• Our custody exchange prior to her vacation.
• The PEW Family Phone Threats.
• Our custody exchange prior to our vacation.

Now, the onus is on us to either edit the actual voice mails (which might be difficult to do) or “re-enact them” them as only we know how.  Hopefully, I can get that done in the next day or so.

The phone threats from her sister and father happened right in the middle of the emails which took place on July 1st.  They called me in the middle of the day, while I was at work (and presumably they were) and just… rambled.  I actually felt embarrassed for them.

So this would kick off a summer rife with attempts at custodial interference and parental alienation that would have me on edge for most of it.

PART II - Psycho-FIL’s Menacing Phone Call