The Psycho Ex Wife

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Living with a BPD and co-parenting with one can be quite a nightmare, but only from the inside. From the outside it may look like the non-BPD spouse or parent is just not being forgiving enough, or not being flexible.

What you will realize through reading this story is that this simply is not the case. The fact is, BPD’s only think one step ahead while the rest of the world looks at situations and not only assesses the short term consequences, but future ones as well. So, we are starting this story by going back a year to the holiday season of 2006, so you can see how PEW’s actions are affecting all of us, during the 2007 holiday season.

Brief background: This time last year we had every other weekend and summer custody as we lived 4-hours away from PEW. We also had all school breaks and it was our year to have the kids for Christmas and Winter Break (the entire week). We were supposed to have them from December 24th-31st.

On November 20, 2006, there came the first email:

PEW: Can we discuss Christmas and how we’re going to do this? I don’t want the kids to be traveling on Christmas Eve, so let’s arrange to exchange on the 23rd ok? Also, do you want to decide on gifts and split the cost….and then just send some stuff home??? I don’t think Santa has to visit both houses do you??? We could shop on line or something and just split it???don’t you think that would be better? Also, then when would they be returning home? I’m confused about that whole Christmas week deal?

Our commentary: (LM) - This spells trouble. BPD’s have short attention spans and selective memory issues. Our’s is the worst. She also has a bad habit of not reading or following the court order. Notice in this case, she doesn’t even want to open gifts with the children at her home. Historically, anytime PEW is “confused” about the schedule, the order, some agreement - it’s what they call in poker a “tell.” In the BPD’s case, the “tell” is a red flag that problems are at our doorstep.

There are a couple of subsequent emails, short ones, where she acknowledges that I have the children from December 24th through December 31st. Things start to unravel on December 21st, 2006. By court order, every other exchange during the school year, she is supposed to meet me at the pre-determined half-way point between our homes. 2-hour drive for each of us. The alternating exchanges, I have to do the full round trip, 4-hours there, 4-hours back. This I do every Friday and Sunday for 2 years. This particular pick-up and return were the next schedule “exchange point” transfers.

(12/21/2006, 12:17PM) PEW: Hey, so you’re picking the boys up on Christmas Eve? any specific time in mind as of right now? and then keeping them till New Years eve? Let me know. Thanks, PEW.

LM: I can be there by 5PM, same thing the following Sunday.

(12/21/2006, 10:08PM) PEW: I don’t think we are supposed to meet……the next regular exchange we would meet. It’s a holiday L…….read it again….I doubt I’m supposed to be driving for 4-hours on Christmas Eve….I have a life too. You can always leave them here if it’s too much trouble for you.

LM: It’s every other exchange. See you in [Exchange Point] on Sunday at 5. ~LM

(12/22/2006, 11:43AM) PEW: I won’t be there, holidays do not count. I’ll meet you next time……..I AM NOT DRIVING THIS TIME!!! I offered to let you pick them up a day early….but apparently you have something more important to do. In fact I already told you a month ago that I wasn’t driving on Christmas Eve….we had this discussion. I’m not meeting you in [Exchange Point].

(12/22/2006, 11:52AM) PEW: Like I said….I know you really don’t want them for the week, so why don’t you just leave them home if it’s too much trouble for you? Plus we both know you’re such a cheap-ass, they probably each will have 3 gifts under your tree…..2 of which came from a yard sale. Spare me…this was probably your plan all along….so that you didn’t have to take them and actually spend money on them. I know you so well it’s not even funny!! you can pick them up here anytime between sat and sun.

Our commentary: Interesting to note here - the warped sense of reality - she says that this was “probably your plan all along so that you didn’t have to take them and spend money on them.” She truly believes that I planned in advance for her to suddenly not show up at the required exchange point so that I could have the first Christmas Holiday with my children since 2003. How bizarre and twisted a mind does one need to have to create that reality? I planned her decision to withhold my custody time with my children.

(12/22/2006, 2:36PM) LM: You will follow the court order as it is written. If you are not in [Exchange Point] at 5PM on Sunday, I will be at your door with the court order in hand ask the police the police to cite you for custodial interference. If that’s what you want the boys to see, then don’t show up as you’re required. Every other exchange you are required to meet in [Exchange Point] during the school year. It’s very clear. How long do you think you’re going to get away with disobeying JC? ~LM

(12/22/2006, 2:41PM) PEW: go ahead do it. you’re going to look like an ASS….I’ll meet you next time PER THE COURT ORDER. I’m not meeting you on Christmas Eve…..that would be so like you too to ruin the kid’s Christmas. It’s a holiday….I have plans…..I’m not meeting you in [Exchange Point] because that’s not what the court order says. I will be at my home till 7pm on Christmas Eve….if you’re not there by then, I’ll assume you’re not coming and I’ll take the boys with me. I’m not interfering with custody….I offered to let you pick them up a day or two early….since you want such “meaningful time”…….you’re so pathetic

(12/22/2006, 2:59PM) LM: The court order says that during the school year, every other exchange you have to meet in [Exchange Point]. See you Sunday.

(12/22/2006, 3:25PM) PEW: No, I don’t. I’m not meeting you in [Exchange Point].

(12/22/2006, 3:42PM) PEW: you might as well call the cops now because I am NOT meeting you on Sunday in [Exchange Point]….I have plans

(12/22/2006, 5:48PM) PEW: I called the courthouse for clarification….you’re wrong….holidays are not part of the weekly exchanges……you need to pick them up, if you’re not sure, call

Our commentary: We will talk about “low-contact” and “no-contact” in future posts. While I will show some lack of discipline in that arena, when I do, she continues ahead with a barrage of emails even though I’ve stopped responding. She also lies a lot, also another characteristic of BPD - the distorted reality. She’ll often say she’s called someone, verified something, done something which has not actually taken place.

(12/22/2006, 11:44PM) LM: No, you didn’t. The order clearly states that during the school year, all alternating exchanges are to be at the designated meeting place or other mutually agreed upon location. I will be at [Exchange Point] on Sunday at 5PM. ~LM

(12/23/2006, 12:13AM) PEW: read the order LM….it says father will do the exchange under the Christmas/winter break section……You’re free to take me back to the judge, but I’m NOT….I repeat NOT coming to [Exchange Point] on Christmas eve…..the next time I meet you in [Exchange Point] will be Jan. 13th

(12/23/2006, 12:48PM) LM: The part to which you refer is relevant to exchange dates. When I have them through the winter break and you have the New Year’s Holiday, the exchange is to occur on the 31st (when I return them). Further, that section states that the exchanges will be done “in accordance with paragraph 4 above” - which refers specifically to alternating exchanges at [Exchange Point]. Thanks for further reinforcing the fact that you are noncompliant.

I will meet you in [Exchange Point] as required by the order at 5PM. I expect you to be there as well and will have no further communication with you regarding this issue. ~LM

To be continued… Part II