The Psycho Ex Wife

Have your own psycho ex? Get a FREE Report on "Why Co-Parenting Doesn't Work", or learn how to win child custody with a custody coach.

This is a long one. Get your popcorn ready.

Once the original (pre-relocation) custody agreement was put in place, she immediately filed for a modification of support (despite previous claims that she wouldn’t in order to get things settled).  Just to be clear, the amount of support I would be left to pay would have been the same given the arrangement.  Staying or going didn’t change that.

My first attorney would make a huge mistake here that would be the last one I would allow.  In what would prove to be the first of many disagreements over appropriate childcare, my attorney would mistakenly indicate at the support conference that I was okay with PEW’s arrangements for a private babysitter (a friend).  While I don’t think it would have changed the contentiousness that would exist over the issue, I just couldn’t stand for such a glaring error.  I mean, it was precisely the opposite of what I had conveyed to him.

The figures were something like this:  for 3-months (before my health insurance kicked-in) - my child support figure would be 45.5% of my net income.  After 3-months, it would go down to 40.0% of my net income.  Given my possible living arrangements in the area, after rent for an apartment, I would have been left with less than $1,000/month with which to take care of all other regular expenses: food, insurances, gas, utilities, clothes, shoes, phone, etc.  That meant no savings nor planning for my own future, let alone the future of the children.  That was impossible even minimizing things.  Had I gone bare-bones basic, I likely would have been left with a place to live that those in the family court cartel would have scrutinized as being inadequate for the 2 children, which likely would have led to a further erosion of my custody time (and a likely further increase in child support). Remember - this child support figure was calculated using a licensed, certified childcare facility. This is important to remember because almost immediately after this was entered as the order, she would not put the kids into the childcare center we had agreed to.

Making matters worse, PEW was “padding her financial stats” to make sure that I ended up paying for things she claimed at a high rate of expense, when she was paying out less than disclosed to the court.  Her primary area of making extra money was by exploiting the childcare arrangements for which she would later be found in contempt of court. This would be the first example of this:

LM,

I was just offered a job yesterday that I am taking. It is a regular mon-fri 9-5 workweek. Here’s my question for you. I’d like to see if one of the mom’s at S2’s school would consider watching him for the rest of the school year, so that he could finish out the year at [St. Church's], but at the same time I’m thinking and wondering if you’re going to give me a problem with paying her. Most people want cash for this, they don’t want to claim it as income. The problem is when we go to the support conference, If it’s not an actual day care setting….are you going to have a problem paying half?

Also, it would be nice to work out this custody thing so I can start making arrangements for them to go to summer camp on the weeks they are with me. Also, what are your plans for them in the summer? Will they be going to camp? Staying home while you’re at work?

I really had to make this work move because of you moving. There was no way I was going to be able to cover those 2 or 3 weekends. It’s too much and I called a nanny service and I’d have to pay more than I make.

~PEW

So, the shenanigans are already starting. The only point I’d like to make here is that her last paragraph is a lie. She didn’t make his job change because of my moving, as much as she would like to portray that as reality. She was planning this move for sometime as previous posts have detailed. She leveraged her stay-at-home-during-the-week status to win the primary custody recommendation from the custody evaluation. PEW repeatedly informed me that she would be taking a 9-5 job for since the summer of 2004. Further, given how normal interview processes take, she was fully involved in job-seeking before I ever disclosed to her that I was taking a new job and relocating… it was only about 2-weeks later that she told me this.

This was followed up by another custody settlement plea from her…

LM,

I am writing this to beg you to please re-consider what you are trying to do with the custody. I spoke to two other attorneys who informed me that you’ll never get every other weekend because it’s too much for the children. They said none of the judges would go for that. The summer deal, we can tweak it, but I’m not going for all summer. I can’t just drive over there and visit at will. You were always welcome here when you were around the corner, but you never took me up on it. I don’t think the kids (especially S2) could be away from me ALL SUMMER. If you want to split it this summer 50/50, 2 weeks there, 2 weeks here, 2 there, 2 here….I can do that.

~PEW

Followed by…

LM,

I can’t keep spending thousands of dollars on this attorney. I’m going broke. I want to get the kids into a house.

Same for the support. If the attorney’s could just work together then we wouldn’t have to go to a conference. There are guidelines in place for just that reason. They come up with a figure then we agree or disagree and that saves us from having to sit up in [court house] for a whole afternoon and me having to pay my attorney a whole weeks pay to sit there with me.

Working with me on this would go a long long way to burying the hatchet….PLEASE

~PEW

Sad. Pathetic. It’s all about what she wants. Her plea is centered around her belief that the children won’t be able to handle being away from “her” all summer. I guess all of her posturing and fighting over the course of the prior year to minimize their time with me wouldn’t adversely affect the children, right? My proposal was to reverse the custody arrangement for the summer and that would be “too much” for the children to handle. But the 9-months that they’re in school and I am living that arrangement, well, that doesn’t matter so much.

Conveniently, she wants to pick a provider that wants to make sure she is paid in such a way as there is no accounting for the actual costs. No surprise there.

Oh, and if I just accede to her demands, THEN she’ll bury the hatchet. Yeah, right between my eyes as she’s always done.

PEW,

The problem is when we go to the support conference, If it’s not an actual day care setting, there is no accountability for the costs associated with your friend, JM. Further, we can’t claim it on our taxes. Finally - we could get into a heap of trouble due to the whole nanny tax issue that seems to be all over the news lately.

At this time, I have not made any plans for them for the Summer as the custody issue remains unresolved. If you are not amenable to having primary custody revert to me during the Summer, we’ll have to go to court to resolve the matter, unfortunately.

~LM

Her reply…

LM,

You still didn’t answer the question about child care. If it is a private home setting till June for S2 are you going to give me a problem with sharing that expense? I’m sure people aren’t going to want to report it as income. If it is going to be a problem then I guess I’ll have to go with a traditional day care. Which I may have to do anyway if I can’t find someone.

I got one of the mom’s at [St. Church's] to watch S2. JM, she’s the president of the CYO. She also subs for S2’s teacher so he already knows her. It will be $160/week. S1’s will be $15/day. In sept. it will be a little more for S2 because he’ll be going full time, 5 days/week at a nursury school, I’m not sure which one yet.

~PEW

$160/week with her “friend.” This was far more expensive than other options available to us for S2. It’s important to remember that he would be watched for exactly 3 half-days. Of course, S1’s aftercare, which amounted to pretty close to the same amount of time over a full week at school, would only be $75. Something doesn’t add up here.

I told her that I was not in agreement with her unilaterally choosing JM to watch S2 and things escalated from there. She told me that she didn’t have to consult with me on childcare. Wrong. She absolutely did.

PEW,

Actually, you do have to consult with me on daycare. The fact that we have joint legal custody hasn’t changed just because I moved or changed jobs.

I had no problem last night with anything except your wanting to discuss matters that don’t pertain to the children and your constant insults. When I call to talk the children, it is not unreasonable for me to expect that you won’t harass me about issues that don’t pertain to the children.

When I call to talk to the children, I expect to be able to talk to them without your holding my conversation with them hostage until you have spewed your venom, as was the case last night. I will talk to the children first and then if there are any issues pertaining to them that you wish to discuss, we can do that after I speak to them. This is not too much to ask and is the respect that I give you when you call to speak to them.

If you start talking about things that are not relevant to the children, support, etc. - the conversation will end. That is simply the way it must be to avoid getting sucked into arguments with you. Have a great day.

~LM

This would be a problem for some time to come. I wouldn’t be permitted to talk to the children when I called until after she launched into some senseless diatribe and spew her usual vile filth mouth at me.

LM,

The children are in my physical custody, therefore I choose the daycare. When they are with you during your visitation time, you choose the camp/daycare. Because the court believes that we will each do what is best for the children thus far, until proven otherwise. Just tell me how much you are willing to pay weekly and that is what we will put in…..i’ll pay the difference if there is any.

I have news for you too. I was not spewing venom, I was trying to talk to you about serious issues. Support, custody, childcare, S1 being ill. All of those issues pertain to the children, I don’t know what your problem is, but I have no desire to argue…..just answer the questions at hand.

#1 How much are you willing to pay for childcare for S2? (weekly) I’ll pay whatever the additional difference is.
#2 What custody arrangement are you agreeing to, so I can have it drawn up?

Please answer, please please please, for God’s sake LM. Are things not working out for you or what?

~PEW

Of course she’ll be “willing to pay the difference” over and above whatever I would volunteer. Why was she being so gracious? It’s because there was no way she was paying JM close to $160/week. $50? $100? Much more believable. So if I agreed to pay half, she would pay $20. But then, she wouldn’t even be paying that because it would be put into the support order. So I would be paying more than half, her responsibility would be $0, and she would be pocketing the difference.

I had to laugh at her “things not working out for you” comment, too. She wishes that would be the case.

LM,

I’m still confused about last nights phone call and your email from this morning, so I am going to remedy this in the following way.

I won’t speak to you at all because when I do you accuse me of things, like “spewing venom”, which did not happen last night. If anything happens with the kids I’ll tell you via email. I’m very confused about how a simple conversation about letting you know, I got JM to watch S2 till June turned into…..”why should I help you out PEW?”

Since we can’t have even the most civil conversation about anything, I’ll see you Weds at the courthouse.

Also I’m assuming from your “mood swing” you are either, on something, or coming off something…..this is a concern. I’m worried. This is more bizarre behavior.

~PEW

*YAWN* Oooh! Another out-of-left-field drug abuse reference! Continuing from more of the pre-low-contact days…

PEW,

Yet another in a long line of efforts to engage in argumentative talk. Your comments and insults about DW, my job, my move… and your discussing our long-dead marriage issues… are not productive. I didn’t bring these things up, you did.

I have no problem talking to you on the phone… and I never said “why should I help you out” - I said that I find it ironic that when I want or need cooperation from you, I don’t get it. When you need cooperation from me, you expect it without issue.

This was not a mood swing… you specifically refused to let me talk to my children until, and I quote you, you “said your peace” about things that were not relevant to the children, to support, or child care. You did these things, not I.

And your ongoing attempts to portray me as a drug abuser or an alcoholic are really becoming tiresome, PEW. They really are.

I will follow up with a proposal for the summer shortly.

We can talk if you don’t ask me about DW, don’t ask me about my job, don’t try to discuss our dead marriage or start with your accusations. I have had phone conversations with you on occasion where you don’t do these things. I know it’s really difficult for you to have a conversation with me without being insulting or making some snide remark or provoking or wanting to argue about our marriage, but you really need to do that each and every time. If you can find a way to do that, we can talk on the phone about issue anytime.

~LM

Her fictional accounts of what happened were always very frustrating for me. I usually felt compelled to set her straight on the actual events/discussions occurred.

LM,

I’m sorry things are so crazy for you right now. I think it’s better if we don’t talk at all because I think you are stressed and I think you are taking it out on me.

You moved to [home-state] LM, to be with DW. That’s great for you, but it shouldn’t effect the boys or me in such a profound way, like with the schedule you are requesting.

We need to start getting along better. You are being unreasonable right now and it is preventing us from working on the coparenting we are supposed to be working on.

No need to answer. If something comes up with the kids, I’ll email you.

~PEW

Drug abuse accusation? Check. I abandoned the kids to be with DW? Check. I’m doing this to her? Check. I’m doing this to the children? Check.

Notice again, the summer schedule I’m proposing - a reversal of the 9-month school schedule for a period of 3-months - has a “profound effect” on the children. The fact that she fought me to have the same, exact schedule for 9-months of the year - well that’s not so profound I suppose. Idiot.

A few days later…

LM,

As far as the child care arrangements, if you are not committing then I’ll go with traditional child care. Probably TT Childcare in [neighboring town] and I’ll just take him out of St. Church’s. If you have questions about JM, please ask (via email) and if we can work it out by tomorrow then great. Yes I called TT Childcare and it’s $147/month if S1 comes everyday after school.

~PEW

After the support conference, more problems occurred that were due to my attorney inexplicably telling them that I was okay with S2 being placed with PEW’s friend, JM. That’s the price you pay when you don’t personally attend the conference. I was confident that we had our situation together and my attorney handled it on my behalf to avoid me having to leave my job for the second time in the first month of employment. I got the child support figure and was trying to wrap up some details:

PEW,

I was okay with the number and asked for a couple of things… I wanted receipts/invoices from the daycare facilities for payment. I also wanted to find out the effective date of the support order change to see if I can pay any arrears up-front (difference between what is paid out of my [old job] paychecks and what is owed). And to find out if when support payments are made, if I am paying for the “period ahead” or the “period behind.”

As for the summer, there is nothing more to discuss as far as I know.

~LM

This is how I found out about the attorney’s gaffe:

LM,

I have no problem providing you with the receipts/cancelled checks. I paid $147.00 for the month of March for S1. Last week I paid JM $100 cash because it wasn’t a full week. I realize you’re not going to give me any of that and that’s fine. Next week I’ll be paying her by check.

[Regarding the summer] Well right now I’m just barely able to get into a house. This is going to cause more attorneys fees, throwing good money after bad. It’s ridiculous that you are not negotiating with me for the summer. It breaks my heart that you are doing this to the boys. Do you want to see them living in an apartment for their childhood years?

When [your attorney] showed up at the support conference, he said JM was OK with you. Is that not the case? LM, she has CPR and FIRST AID. She even has childline clearances. She is a sweet person. S2 loves going there. I’m not about to change that. Why do you do this?

~PEW

Again, it’s uncanny that all of her alleged concerns about the boys hinge on my not agreeing to her minimizing my custody time with the kids. You’ll notice how she never has and never will apply the same logic to her efforts to maximize her time with the children and push me further out of their lives. Not one single time.

PEW,

Do what? Ask why JM after you told me it was just going to be easier to go with the place in [neighboring town]? How about you get your stories straight instead of asking me why I am “doing something” I’m not? The last thing you told me was… “I’m just going to send him to the place in [neighboring town]. It’s easier to get it in the support order that way.”

So, now that I know that isn’t the case, I asked… “what changed?” The only thing I’m “doing” is trying to get your oft-changing stories straight.

This is what I’m talking about when I say you just have a pathological desire to argue. Forget I asked, as usual, I’ll take it up with the lawyers. Add this to the long list of examples of why trying to discuss something with you like a normal adult is a waste of time.

~LM

Her reply…

LM,

Freak! Your lawyer showed up at the conference and said you were ok with it!!!!! You have a serious problem.

~PEW

She’s right. My serious problem was my attorney screwed up.

The situation ended up with me being “stuck” with her doing what she wanted in terms of the childcare situation. I knew she was using her friend to pay short of what she reported and didn’t support to the court, but by the time this situation would be settled, the school year would be over, so I let it drop for now, hoping it would be rectified in time for the following school year.

Strangely enough, she would soon fire her attorney, actually, just before I dumped mine.