When PEW’s Alleged Concern Shows a Lack Thereof
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Sometime after falling asleep last night, I received the following text message from The Psycho Ex-Wife:
Did u guys get to wherever u were going safely? Im having one of those weird feelings
The time was 10:42PM. Obviously, there was no reply. Had I been awake, I likely wouldn’t have replied anyway.
On the surface, one might say, “…well that appears to be the genuine concern of a loving, caring mother just calling to make sure her children are safe!” It’s not. Perhaps just seeing if I would reply with an angry tirade about the events of last Friday. Further, there are a few things that demonstrate the disingenuous nature of the text…
- She sent a text! If she had a weird feeling (maybe some creepy mother-child psychic connection that we mere fathers would know nothing about) - don’t you do something more than send a text message?
- No phone call following the unanswered text. One would think if you had some weird feeling something was wrong, seriously wrong, and your children weren’t safe - wouldn’t an unanswered text actually FEED your “weird feeling” and prompt an escalation to at least a mildly panicky phone call?
- The antagonistic follow-up email from this morning that read, among other things…
Thanks for responding to my text last night. I’m assuming everything is all-right.
As I have not replied to any of it, that’s a rather dangerous assumption, wouldn’t you say? So much for mom’s concern for her children’s safety and well-being. Would it surprise you to learn that the bulk of the short email was about money?
JB - if you’re reading… expect the next confrontation to be about PEW’s attempted unilateral decision to pursue the braces issue. Today, I am going to be drafting a letter for the orthodontist. For the back-story: CLICK HERE!
August 10th, 2009 at 2:03 pm
The phone calls will start in 5..4..3..2..1..Ring Ring.
Ha Ha.
August 10th, 2009 at 2:34 pm
OK, I like to think I am a normal mother, and there have been times I have gotten a strange vibe about something not being right with my kids. Once this happened when they were with PEH, so I called him and asked to talk to the kids. I made up something minor to ask them (like if they wanted boxers or briefs), then asked if they were having a good time. Just hearing them tell me they were having fun was enough to calm my senses. Had PEH not answered, and not responded to my VM, I would have called again the next morning and left another message, asking to call me or email to let me know everything was OK. I also may have sent an email, saying I was worried that I had not heard anything. What PEW wrote was obviously to provoke you. To be the better person, I would have responded to the email and said “Everyone is fine.” and said nothing more. This way she can’t claim you didn’t respond when she was concerned for the welfare of the children. She is going to try and get full custody now that she knows you are in a financial bind. She is fishing for something on you to show she is a good parent and you are not. Be very careful on how you do and do not respond.
August 10th, 2009 at 3:14 pm
I do sometimes get the ‘weird’ feeling that somethings not right..and I will tell you, a text has never been sent. A phone call, if no answer another phone call. Of course we are not talking about me dealing with a PEW, just calling DH. However if I had this feeling and DS was with PEW, you’d better believe I would have DH calling the PEW…lol
No the text isn’t from a concerned mother.
Neither is the e-mail.
August 10th, 2009 at 3:55 pm
Regarding “weird feelings” and contact: just what, exactly, does anyone who responds to “weird feelings” do about something that is happening miles away from them to somebody else?
This is your friendly neighborhood cognitive psychologist speaking: god/nature gave you a limbic system to protect yourself. You get “weird feelings” for your OWN safety. They are usually linked to a fight-flight mechanism that allows you to remain alive. If your limbic system is kicking in on behalf of OTHER human beings who are not even in your immediate vicinity, then something IS wrong… in YOUR brain.
RE: Kate’s “watch yourself” warning. Kate, I am sure LM will come on here and speak for himself, but I will just jump in here as a divorce coach and remind everyone that while it certainly seems reasonable to think/behave as though everything you say and do can and will be held against you in a custody battle — the truth is, if you choose to live your life that way, you have imprisoned yourself. There is nothing in the world that a PEW/PEH can’t try to use against you if they want to. If you let yourself get sucked into that game, then you are right back to “walking on eggshells” — presumably the very shackles that you have been fighting your guts out to escape.
RE: the orthodontics. Told ya. I STG there is a secret express track straight from the courthouse to the orthodontist’s office.
August 10th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
I like the typical sarcastic response the next day. “Thanks for responding to my text”
What they never seem to grasp is that their sarcasm actually CAUSES more hostility. I get it all the time from mine “thanks for doing/not doing ___”
My response here lately has been… ‘you’re welcome.’ I dont feed into the nonsense anymore.
August 10th, 2009 at 5:49 pm
PEW has been burned by her own “alleged concerns for the children” in court more times than I care to remember.
I have no problem not responding. She can call if she’s so concerned.
And in validating what JB said, in the non-financial arena (obviously), I have a good grasp on what might be a problem for me and what might not. Given her track record, a judge would (as she has in the past) question her alleged concern absent a phone call to the children… at least a voice mail asking for a return call at the earliest possible convenience.
This is nothing but game playing on her part.
August 10th, 2009 at 6:26 pm
“This is nothing but game playing on her part.”
Game-playing and attention-seeking…let the friendly neighbourhood psychoanalyst add her support to the friendly neighbourhood cog. psych. and say, yes, and histrionic behaviour, to boot.
PEW: “How can I contact thee, let me count the ways…”
August 10th, 2009 at 8:18 pm
It’s about the need to control. She texts, you respond. She thinks “I made him do that.”
My PEG loves to leave the frantic voicemails “, please call me back right away, it’s an emergency!” No details, just “Call me!”
Daughter calls back and talks to her for a while. I used to inquire “what was the emergency?” Daughter says “I don’t know.”
LOL. Manipulators suck.
August 11th, 2009 at 12:35 am
To JB:
“This is your friendly neighborhood cognitive psychologist speaking: god/nature gave you a limbic system to protect yourself. You get “weird feelings” for your OWN safety. They are usually linked to a fight-flight mechanism that allows you to remain alive. If your limbic system is kicking in on behalf of OTHER human beings who are not even in your immediate vicinity, then something IS wrong… in YOUR brain.”
Though I do totally believe that this PEW was seeking to instigate problems once again, I take issue with your “book” psychological comment above. This is why:
I was raised by my maternal grandparents some 300 miles away from my mother. My grandfather always recalled, and I remember first-hand, that whenever I was sick or anything was wrong with me throughout childhood, my mother NEVER FAILED to sense something, and ALWAYS called with her first question whenever the phone was answered, “What’s wrong with Tracy?” My grandfather was always amazed that mom somehow knew when something was wrong. And, I’m sorry, but I do not believe this was because something was wrong in her brain.
Also, Mr. M ~
I totally believe that fathers can sense when things are possibly going on with their children; so my comment to JB has nothing to do with believing this is only a mother’s intuition kind of thing. Nor do I believe that fathers are not capable of these intuitions…don’t ever let anyone who tries to make you feel that women have some extra sense of something father’s cannot have, get to you. I know you will say that you don’t, but it just sounded like you may be unnerved about the thing.
I believe the intuition thing regarding our children has to do with the people we are…men or women. Not everyone can pick up on it, and it doesn’t mean they don’t love and care for their children. But, JB, for the people who do have this, it has nothing to do with a brain disorder. I personally found that particular statement to be highly offensive.
August 11th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
texting when questioning the safety of a child is stupid. if she was soooo concerned with her kids, how about picking up the phone and saying, “hey, can you have one of the kids call me when you get this message? i just want to make sure everyone arrived safely. THANKS.”
my DH’s kids convinced their wonderful mom that I (me personally) would not let the kids use the phone or forced them to talk to on the phone in my presence … so, she bought them all cell phones (including the youngest who was 9 at the time).
August 11th, 2009 at 6:27 pm
My PEG got daughter a cell phone at age 7. I opposed it on the record in court, and was rejected. The judge tossed me a bone and made an order limiting calls to 1 per day for 10 minutes, before 8:00 p.m.
But the court doesn’t understand that when you tell PEG not to do something, you are in effect guaranteeing that she will do it. For years the cell phone could be expected to ring a few minutes after 8:00 p.m. just about every night, and their business cannot be conducted in front of me (daughter takes phone to bedroom and closes the door), and it can almost never be completed in a single call — there is nearly always at least one callback. Enforcing this type of order is just not possible, so it’s worse than useless. The messages it sent to daughter were a) Dad’s rules don’t matter, and b) Mom calls the shots.
The cell phone was the cause of lots of conflict and problems, just as I knew it would be and desperately tried to convince the court that it would be.
Eventually daughter grew to an age where having a cell phone is not unreasonable by societies, and PEG pays for it (which is great, but also means I have no access to the call record), so I long ago gave up opposing it.
P.S. I do not even own a cell phone. No Facebook, either. This makes me a total weirdo to most. I blame PEG! lol
August 11th, 2009 at 8:39 pm
There is very little that is actually enforceable in court orders HOWEVER the attorney’s will be happy to entertain any argument….arguments take time and time is money. Also the more things are not enforceable the more chance for future revenue with the lucrative contempt petition which is routinely dismissed with a nice lecture. I often laugh at the things that people tell me were put in their orders…right of first refusal, schedules of any type, no overnights with opposite sex, transfer of clothes, food restrictions, blah blah blah. No one can MAKE anyone adhere to these things….if you have a PEW/H they are a joke.
It is ironic really cause these agreements only work when people are reasonable and will respect the agreement, and reasonable people don’t need these things put in an agreement.
August 11th, 2009 at 8:59 pm
So very true, that irony you point out Schottsax. And I fell right into that “non-enforceable/future revenue” trap and have paid dearly for years.
August 12th, 2009 at 8:52 am
@ tracy: no offense intended.
And I know a lot of people who “believe” that the events in their lives can be attributed to “intuition”, “esp”, “god”, or some Jungian “collective unconcious energy”. (For a really fun and interesting treatise on some elements of this phenomena, consider reading the book “Blink” by Malcolm Gladwell.)
Okay. You can have your beliefs. Nobody is going to take those away from you. And, just like Rorschak blots, the attributions a person makes for the events in their lives actual reveal quite a lot about that person. Go ahead and believe that your loved ones have some sort of extra-sensory ability to perceive/experience your life without the benefit of any measurable empirical input or cognitive trigger. Nothing wrong with your belief.
But when you have a person whose personality disorder is marked by a cognitive distortion — where facts *follow* feelings, not the other way around — where they get some “weird feeling”, and are incapable of identifying its true source, so they attribute it to some bullshit reason that they just invented… then yes, there is something wrong in their brain.
It’s too bad if that offends you. But while your position is based on your belief system which has been built on your own single-data-point introspective and subjective experience; my position is based on tons of scientific research, and clinical observation of people with personality disorders and related cognitive distortions. So be offended if you must. Just remember that for most of the people on this site, their experience has been interacting with someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, and people with BPD are noted for coming up with “weird feelings” that have no basis in fact, and then making up random shit to explain emotions over which they exercise little or no control.
August 12th, 2009 at 9:16 am
My X took the kids to Canada for 10 days. No cellphone coverage and the lodge they stayed at has no phone only a payphone. Kids called me twice.
Lo and behold when they got home… they were alive, fed well and clean! Just an example men really can take care of their kids without PEW supervision!
As an extra bonus we combined my daughters clothes from both houses so she had enough. He even washed her clothes and returned them clean!
I am so grateful that I have a “normal” divorce relationship. I couldn’t imagine having to deal with 2 PEW/PEH relationships!
August 12th, 2009 at 12:15 pm
JB: “This is your friendly neighborhood cognitive psychologist speaking: god/nature gave you a limbic system to protect yourself. You get “weird feelings” for your OWN safety. They are usually linked to a fight-flight mechanism that allows you to remain alive. If your limbic system is kicking in on behalf of OTHER human beings who are not even in your immediate vicinity, then something IS wrong… in YOUR brain.”
Please understand that I am not offended regarding borderline personality disordered people whose “weird feelings” are just a continuation of the bullshit they pull because of the personality disorder. I have read this site for many months now, and have a pretty good understanding of what Mister-M and DW are going through with this crazed Ex of his.
But, if you will look again at your statement, you were not simply referring to people who pull bullshit because of their borderline personalities. You made a clear by the book statement which applied to anyone who experienced intuitive feelings about any other human being.
All I am saying is that when you make such a by the book statement, and someone such as myself has actually witnessed my mother’s intuitions to be true, and not just some bullshit, but specific truth…then, this is something that books will not explain. It is unfair to make an all or nothing statement regarding all people, then refer to those people as having some brain disorder.
It would have been much clearer to me and perhaps others, if you had referred specifically to those people with borderline personalities who come up with fruitless bullshit in an attempt to continue their games.
Can you kinda’ see what I mean here?
This thing is not about any religious belief or some weird spiritual thing…it is what it is. And MANY parents, such as my own, have a real sense of “something being wrong” with their child because something is actually wrong with their child at that moment. This does not constitute brain disorder; especially if the person is sensing an actuality.
I minored in psychology in college, and I have a great love for the field; which is a main reason I come to this site to read. So don’t take me wrong because I made a point regarding the all or nothing statement you made. There absolutely is nothing wrong with my belief system. And, in living, I have learned time and time again, that every “theory” in a book, any book…does not always jive with what really goes on with the living.
Face it, there are a million and one unexplained phenomena. And, no research, book, or genius will ever explain them.
Finally, I resent the fact that you referred to my experience as single-data-point and subjective. I was not the only person who witnessed this thing with my mother, and again, there are millions of people on the planet who are not brain disordered, and experience the same time and time again.
I totally understand your statements in reference to Mister-M’s post; but I believe balance between book sense and life truths is in order. Please don’t take offense at my valid point.
August 12th, 2009 at 1:02 pm
MR Says:
August 11th, 2009 at 6:27 pm For years the cell phone could be expected to ring a few minutes after 8:00 p.m. just about every night, and their business cannot be conducted in front of me.
7 yrs old? Dude you should have just taken the phone away a 8 and turned it off. Your house your rules.
August 12th, 2009 at 2:45 pm
johneycage: I completely agree. I tried that, and was chewed out by the GAL (this was before she came over from the dark side), and had to defend against numerous accusations of “limiting phone contact.”
It was an absolute nightmare. The problem still exists, but daughter is getting to an age where she’s getting a little sick of PEGs craziness and is turning it off on her own. Hallelujah.
August 12th, 2009 at 2:59 pm
thealienatedparent Says:
August 11th, 2009 at 2:26 pm
texting when questioning the safety of a child is stupid. if she was soooo concerned with her kids, how about picking up the phone and saying, “hey, can you have one of the kids call me when you get this message? i just want to make sure everyone arrived safely. THANKS.”
my DH’s kids convinced their wonderful mom that I (me personally) would not let the kids use the phone or forced them to talk to on the phone in my presence … so, she bought them all cell phones (including the youngest who was 9 at the time).
Our PEW did this as well. Only she did it because she refused to talk to DH or the kids on our house phone or cell phones for fear that she would be recorded. So all the kids came over with cell phones.
We take them away for the weekend and boy, does that cause a stir still, even a year later! We are “refusing to let the children contact her on the phones she bought. We have no right to take HER phones from the children in OUR home.” Sorry, lady, our house, our rules.
And she won’t go to court for it because her excuse as to why she won’t call our house or cell phones is hooey.
August 13th, 2009 at 4:24 pm
My PEG is just like this, the first day we had the SS for a 6 week summer visit she called and said crying it was an emergecy she was at the ER having a panic attack not able to function without her son….OMG! You have to be kidding me, #1 - if you are really in the ER you cant use your cell, #2 - you can breathe or function yet you had the right mind to call us and bother us? The best part is she gets to see the son every 2 weeks while he is here for 6. That is way more then we ever get to see him!! The system is so backards it is crazy.
August 14th, 2009 at 2:27 pm
i agree 110% tracy. you go girl!
August 14th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Talk about nit picking. So many of you commenters reply as though she were calling every five minutes! It would have been courteous of him to reply but whatever. It is funny how he gets all in a snit about something so minor.
I was very relieved to find that he was not successful in his attempt to punish and control his ex with the court gambit.
Poor DW caught up in this BS. What a waste of time and money.
Well, I’d say stop focusing on your ex and concentrate on your job search.
August 14th, 2009 at 7:45 pm
Congratulations on using your anger management skills at the court. Keep up the good work.
August 14th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
LOL… welcome back Wiz! I wasn’t in a snit. I found it humorous that her concern didn’t prompt her to call, which would have roused me from my slumber.
I had the boys call her the next day, just as I always do.
Don’t let reality get in the way of your mindless comments, though.
August 15th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Woops, there’s another one Mister-M. And I ain’t gonna’ get into it with her/him….LOL They’re everywhere! They’re everywhere!..LOL