Keeping Kids Out of the Middle: Child-Centered Parenting in the Midst of Conflict, Separation, and Divorce
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After reading this book in its entirety and then re-reading many portions over again, I’m convinced that this is a very good book that is worthy of recommendation to some, but not to others. It’s taken me a full three days to wrap my thoughts up regarding this book. It’s always difficult to find a way to set aside one’s own personal experience, in order to think of others who may find this book extremely beneficial, where I find it might fall short for others. I have also concluded that there are parts of this book that will prove beneficial to some, while other parts won’t. That said, this book makes it very clear from the outset that it is not the be-all, end-all of co-parenting post-divorce.
I found the preface to be very powerful, very informative, and very unsettling. “Keeping Kids Out of the Middle of What?” I nodded in agreement and understanding as Garber covers a lot of different aspects of life rather effectively without being too wordy. It sets up the rest of the book rather nicely.
In the introduction section, Garber sets your expectations. What this book is… and what this book is not - gives an appropriate level of warning that this book is a guide. It’s full of appropriate information that truly is child-centered and focuses on the roles of co-parents. Some of it many will find they already know and understand. You will undoubtedly discover new points-of-view, as I did.
What is a Co-Parent? I found my first surprise of sorts. I believe that many of us really never became familiar with the term co-parent or co-parenting until our own divorces (or someone else’s). We connect the terms to a divorce without any consideration for the reality that co-parenting exists in all states of marriage and relationships that involve children. Garber does a fine job of explaining the dynamics of co-parenting and reshaped my opinion of the term co-parenting to understand that we’re all in a position to be co-parents to our children. He provides all sorts of examples and guides to quality co-parenting, the teamwork involved, the rest, recharge, tag-team cycles, the support mechanisms that many of us have in place that all co-mingle to provide an effective upbringing of children.
Not All Parents are Created Equal, Dr. Garber describes the roles of parents and how they have evolved over time from 50s rigid roles of mom and dad to where those lines are often not today. Gender, in many cases, no longer defines the roles, participation, and contributions of the parent. Further effectively described are how the courts often view the roles of parents in today’s divorce climate and the difficulties courts often face when two divorcing parents can’t set aside their differences and ultimately put the court in a position to decide matters.
What If You’re a Single Parent?, Garber strictly describes “the single parent” as someone without a co-parent, a distinction that sets them apart from the “unmarried parent.” A true single parent, as defined in the book, is “…an adult who shares caregiving responsibilities for a child with no one at all.” I understand this distinction to be made in order to show the reader the additional difficulties faced by someone with substantially fewer support resources than those who are unmarried parents. Still, this chapter disturbed me in that Garber is a believer in the thought that “Raising a child does, indeed, take a village.” It’s an undertone I sense through the balance of the book and one with which I don’t necessarily agree. While he takes the time to support his beliefs, what he describes are support personnel from which we draw on when we feel we need guidance or assistance. I’ve never been a big believer in “it takes a village” because I think the village starts imposing their thoughts, methods, beliefs, and biases on you, which almost always ends badly. It doesn’t take a village, it takes strong, committed parents (divorced or otherwise) with good support from family, and perhaps trusted friends. The “village” should be taking care of their own children.
Row, Row, Row Your Boat and The Essentials of Co-parenting delve more deeply into the hard work and potential pitfalls of the co-parenting experience. This is particularly true of separated co-parents. Garber does a fine job of describing the processes required to “weave a safety net” under the children during these rather substantial changes in the child(ren)’s lives.
The Child’s Experience of Adult Conflict and A Quick Word About Promises, while decidedly different topics, mesh in important ways, both describing the impact on the children (the parental interpersonal conflicts) and the inevitable overcompensation that results in promises to children that aren’t or otherwise can’t possibly be kept. Even the best of parents can get caught up in their own drama and fail to consider the deep impact their actions and reactions will have on the kids.
The Myth of the Nuclear Family was the most difficult chapter of them all to read and seemed quite out of place. Despite Garber’s contention at the beginning of this book about not being political, not being pro- or anti- marriage, homosexuality, heterosexuality, co-habitation, etc., etc. - he still manages to drop a few “bombs” throughout the book. This chapter was a tough read, and while I would agree that the classically defined Nuclear Family is headed for extinction barring a dramatic shift in public policy and societal expectations, I found Garber’s opinions in this chapter nearly offensive. Aside from reiterating his position that “it takes a village” to raise our children, he misses the mark completely with the following quote:
“The myth of the nuclear family is just that: a myth. It’s a story that once validated the lives of a majority of white, middle-class Americans and gave them reason to disparage all other varieties of families.
Huh? Like a splash of ice-cold water on an unexpecting face, I simply couldn’t shake this portion of the book and it tainted most of the rest of the read. In the world I’ve been living in for a mighty long time, prejudice, intolerance, and abuse knows no bounds - be it race, color, creed, religious affiliation, sexual orientation, etc. This out-of-the-blue, let’s disparage white, middle-class families as predominantly intolerant of all other varieties of families is not only inaccurate, it really has no place in what this book “is” as described in the first dozen or so pages. Too bad, Dr. Garber. My suggestion is that the reader simply skip this chapter. It’s completely out of place in the book.
Scripting the Change offers excellent advice and suggestions for preparing for the changes that come along with the breaking up of the family unit. From the split, to home transitions, to therapy appointments, essentially anything can be planned to mitigate both being caught off guard or saying something that you hadn’t planned to say (and wish you didn’t say).
Through How to Answer the Kids’ Questions and Child-Centered Parenting Plans Dr. Garber continues to focus on the needs of the children, offering checklists and quizzes to test just how in tuned to the children you are versus your own needs and desires.
Chapter 14 - How Children React is a definite must-read and covers all of the important issues that face children and how all of the many negative consequences of our adult behaviors create in our children personality traits that they shouldn’t have at such tender ages. This one you should read twice.
Yes, I’ve covered a lot of minutia and my intent is to give you a really strong flavor for the approach Dr. Garber takes in explaining a lot of what he suggests throughout the book.
My overall synopsis is this - it has it’s good, it’s bad, and it’s ugly - and I’ve touched on all of them in some capacity quite fairly.
What This Book Is:
The book is, overall, a quality read, especially if you just skip Chapter 8. It is an excellent guidebook to prepare people for the best possible co-parenting relationship between the adults and the adults & children.
What This Book Is Not:
It is not a “radically new perspective on co-parenting in the midst of relationship conflict” as quoted from the back cover. Some might read this and find it to be the utopia of co-parenting, conflict or not, and completely unattainable unless the two co-parents (divorcing or otherwise) are completely in tune with one another and the children. Finding that in a divorce situation is probably rarer than a sighting of Bigfoot. However, I do believe after reading this book that if you are able to achieve half or more of what Garber brings to the table - you’re very likely doing an excellent job of co-parenting. I found myself often thinking that I know and understand most of this stuff - I wish my ex-spouse would read and understand any of it.
I would recommend this book to:
- Anyone interested in having children but don’t yet have them, even if you’re not currently in a relationship. If you want a great guide for co-parenting in a happy relationship - this is a winner (except Chapter 8).
- Couples with children who are on the verge of divorce who are managing their way through in a reasonably amicable manner. They are committed to cultivating and maintaining relationships with their children and the co-parent.
- Anyone in a high-conflict divorce who wants to read a book that makes them say to themselves, “I wish my psycho ex-spouse would do these things with me.”
- Any psycho ex-spouse who wishes to find out all of the right things to do in the post-divorce co-parenting relationship - so that they can do the opposite and make everyone’s life as miserable as possible.
I would not recommend this book to:
- Anyone dealing with a person with a high-conflict divorce and custody situation. It reads like a classic counseling session and while the information and suggestions throughout most of this book are outstanding, it’s unreasonable to expect that two warring parents will read this book, suddenly have an epiphany, and start down the road to cooperation and child-centered co-parenting.
If you would like to have a copy of this book, post your thoughts and let me know in your comment. I have two to give away. Arrangements can be made via email. Then you can read it for yourself and stop back here with your opinions on the book and my review. I will pick two commenters at random, so please don’t be offended if you don’t hear from me. Those who do receive the book - pay it forward! Give another a chance to benefit from Dr. Garber’s suggestions.
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About Benjamin
Benjamin D. Garber, Ph.D., is a New Hampshire licensed child psychologist, a state certified Guardian ad litem and a practicing Parenting Coordinator. Dr. Garber has a Bachelor of Arts degree in developmental psychology and psycholinguistics from the University of Michigan, a Master of Science and a Doctorate in child clinical and developmental psychology from the Pennsylvania State University.
