The Psycho Ex Wife

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Courtesy of “sane1″ - another wonderful contribution from a reader comes this meaningful poem, written in our Fantasy Email Forum - a repository for emails and other messages that will forever remain unsent as the messages would be lost on them anyway (and usually they are a strong vent full of highly inappropriate language even if the underlying message is very important).  It also goes to show that not every “Fantasy Email” vent is a caustic one…

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One of the many things that PEW has taken to doing since the discovery of thepsychoexwife.com has been to stalk and read the site and the forums incessantly.  She does this from home, her sister’s place, her parents house, and yes - even her workplace.  This has resulted in a barrage of crazy emails.  Not that they haven’t always been there, obviously.  However, the torrent has increased quite a bit over the course of the last year.  This one came on the heels of a step-parenting series article titled, I’m Just the Step-Mother.

Though we’ve previously only done one post, a long time ago and called it, “Notable Crazy Email…” - expect to see some more of these out of the blue, unsolicited assaults on our inbox in the future for as long as she continues to provide them.

LM,

I know I’ve been being baited for weeks now, but couldn’t resist this…..that’s right DW, you have no rights when it comes to my children and you NEVER EVER WILL. I read your list and I don’t think you did any of this crap. You hurt the boys WAY more than you help them and I am fully prepared to show that in court. This list will be helpful, Thanks!

—–

I’m a stepmother that helps my stepchildren, in some way, every day:

* I helped try to teach them to ride a bike
* I helped teach them how to tie their shoes
* I help them get exercise and learn about health and fitness
* I pick out books for them
* I take them fishing, sometimes even when Dad can’t (Once in 6 years)
* I take them on walks and hikes (when?)
* I sign them up for sports, on my time and with my money (Huh, are you talking about the swimming from 4 years ago?)
* I teach them how to make and try new foods (1x)
* I introduce them to different cities and cultures, my time, my money
* I teach them how to speak with respect (No I do that, you curse constantly)
* I help them with homework
* I buy them new clothes
* I buy them Christmas presents
* I made an area in the woods for them to play behind our house, decorated it with them
* I play board games with them
* I introduce them to new music
* I keep the craft cabinet stocked so they can continue to make art
* I make sure they brush their teeth appropriately
* I make sure they wipe the toilet seat off when their aim sucks
* I help take care of them when they are sick
* I help clean up their vomit
* I cut their hair
* I come up with events like SmoresFest and outdoor movie night so they can have fun
* I help teach them about respect for themselves and others
* I help teach them the importance of education
* I do this with no desire nor intent to replace their biological mother
* I do this because I care about them and love them
* I treat their father with care, love, respect, and dignity so they may experience what a healthy relationship really looks like

<…Balance of Blog Post edited for length…>

~PEW

What’s incredibly funny about this diatribe is that of the 28 things on the short-list that DW posted, she saw fit to comment on only five.  Of those five, she only really refuted one.  Further, even if we were to believe that DW “cursed constantly” - that would leave a solid A on the test scale with a 27/28 correct.

More deeply, none of the items on that list could she possibly have any first-hand knowledge from which to claim they’re false.

Something is seriously wrong with her.  It’s hard for people in situations like this, the new step-mothers or step-fathers who have to deal with a person who is so consumed by hatred and rage that their lives seemingly revolve around ways to torment their ex-spouses, ex-partners, and their loved ones.  The fiction she creates easily lead one to believe that she feels threatened by the existence of another person in the children’s lives who cares enough about them and loves them enough to do just about anything to help make them happy, healthy, intelligent, and well-rounded people.

That’s one of the great many shames about all of this.

Today’s article is born of a thread started on one of our psycho ex-wife PEW forums.  Our situation is not the only one out there which exists within the framework of having an extremely difficult post-divorce relationship alongside one that is exceedingly amicable.  PEW and I - not so much good.  POE and DW - I literally can’t think of a single thing negative.  Much of what I’ll present from my own perspective as a step-father will touch on the positive experiences that have been a part of my life as a step-father.  DW’s experiences, on the other hand, would be the polar opposite, at least in so far as there are no dealings with PEW.  DW learned early on that any interaction with PEW would result in failure, so it’s just avoided and she serves in the capacity of step-mother without much interaction nor interference from PEW.  That’s the case simply because she just doesn’t allow it given the history.

I’ve spoken before about how the parenting styles of me and DW are almost perfectly in-tune with one another.  This really encompasses every parenting category, interactions with the children on any level, discipline, fun, education, reading - literally every single topic that, as parents, as step-mother, as step-father - you can expect to experience.

Given that the parenting styles of both POE and DW are pretty well in line with one another, it should come as no surprise that POE is extremely supportive of my role in the step-children’s lives.  Contrary to the opinion of some - I am a good parent, I love children, and relish my role as a teacher and guide and all that which is part of that process.  I’ve been supported by POE in the extremely rare case where the children have complained about something that we’ll say… “didn’t go their way.”  The support was without hesitation and decisive.  It sent a strong message to the kids.  To best of my knowledge, I’ve never done anything to draw POE’s ire, well, with the exception of giving the children a ride on the motorcycle with the permission of DW.  POE was less than thrilled with that and imposed a motorcycle ban which has since been 100% honored, over the objections and begging of the kids.

As a step-father, I’m extremely lucky to have a partner like DW and the strength of relationship we enjoy together.  I’m extremely lucky that the step-children have a biological father who is not threatened by my mere existence in their children’s lives.  I know my role.  He knows I know my role.  I will always defer to him and DW when it comes to matters regarding the step-kids.

Bottom line is that for me, my experience as a step-father has proven to be little different than that of a father.  All four kids are great.  The only differences in approach with any of the kids, specifically the step-kids, are matters that are beyond the day-to-day living.  Those are the higher level matters that biological parents discuss and settle.  Even there my input is often requested and considered if appropriate. It’s quite the blessing.

For how it is both like and unlike parenting from DW’s perspective, visit the article: I’m Just a Step-Mother

I know the obvious - that it’s not true of every arrangement and it’s quite likely that every single parenting and step-parenting arrangement has it’s own unique idiosyncrasies.  Some comments on this topic from the forums:

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This is a true story!  And it’s a good one, for a change of pace.

Now, you’re all probably aware that, with the occasional few usual and customary glitches from time-to-time, we’re pretty proud of how our children handle themselves in all areas of life. We can take them out to dinner, go to parties, go to the beach, travel, visit, go to school… etc. etc. etc.

One time, a handful of years ago, we though we had uncovered a way to parlay their behavior into a money-making venture!

The year was 2006 and a court date had come to a close.  It was time to head home. We had the entire crew of four children and were heading to home-state when it was time to stop for “road dinner.”  We decided to do our usual stop at one of our most favorite pizza joints - Sbarro.  Thick, disgraceful, extra ginormous Sbarro pizza slices!

We disembark from the Family Truckster pick a place to sit and ask the kids to sit down, keep the “restaurant voice level” in place, and we were going to go order the Sbarro pizza and get the drinks. Then we head to perform our road-trip pizza parental duties - retrieving the food. Monitoring them from a distance, we see them chatting and laughing and essentially following the orders we left for them. The pizza is ordered.  We grab the drinks.  Then, we’re off to the table…

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I’m “just” a stepmother.

I’m a stepmother that helps my stepchildren, in some way, every day:

• I helped try to teach them to ride a bike
• I helped teach them how to tie their shoes
• I help them get exercise and learn about health and fitness
• I pick out books for them
• I take them fishing, sometimes even when Dad can’t
• I take them on walks and hikes
• I sign them up for sports, on my time and with my money
• I teach them how to make and try new foods
• I introduce them to different cities and cultures, my time, my money
• I teach them how to speak with respect
• I help them with homework
• I buy them new clothes
• I buy them Christmas presents
• I made an area in the woods for them to play behind our house, decorated it with them
• I play board games with them
• I introduce them to new music
• I keep the craft cabinet stocked so they can continue to make art
• I make sure they brush their teeth appropriately
• I make sure they wipe the toilet seat off when their aim sucks
• I help take care of them when they are sick
• I help clean up their vomit
• I cut their hair
• I come up with events like SmoresFest and outdoor movie night so they can have fun
• I help teach them about respect for themselves and others
• I help teach them the importance of education
• I do this with no desire nor intent to replace their biological mother
• I do this because I care about them and love them
• I treat their father with care, love, respect, and dignity so they may experience what a healthy relationship really looks like

(That’s the short list) AND YET:

• I get no consideration on how custody changes will affect me or my children
• I get no consideration on how child support will affect me or my children
• I get no consideration for activities I believe they should or should not participate in
• I have no say in their medical care
• I have no say in their education
• There may be more…

And… you can bet your last dollar I’m dragged into nearly every court proceeding to answer questions that affect me every single day, while no one gives a crap how the outcome will affect me or my children.

If I was really “JUST” a stepmother, I wouldn’t be here fighting for my “JUST” stepchildren to have a wonderful life.  Thankfully, at least I get credit for what I do and why I do it from the people who matter the most: Mister-M, my “just” stepchildren, and just as importantly - my own children.  To them and all the others who know the truth, thank you.

~DW