The Psycho Ex Wife

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After the exchange detailed in Part 4, she “took a few days” to think about what I wrote.  Clearly, it did no good. In fact, this would be one of several times I’ve shared where she encourages me to “come back to her.” Yes, even amongst all of this back-and-forth about how horrible I allegedly was… how she has gotten past everything… how she is glad to be rid of me… right here she makes overtures of taking me back. I kid you not.

PEW:

I had to think about this for a few days, but here is all I can say to you. Yes, it is sad that our family broke up. All you had to do, was listen to me when I talk, not scream in my face when we disagree, be respectful, let me make some decisions about how and when and for what we were going to spend money on, and we would still be together.

LM:

Wow. Most of this stuff is so patently false or inaccurate that I would almost think you were joking. As usual, I will offer you a dose of reality:

1 – Listen to you when you talk: I listened to you when you talked. I listened when you demanded. I listened when you threw hysterical fits to get your way. I listened when you repeatedly threatened divorce and or walked out because things were not done in accordance with your demands. I listened when you called me the most horrible names and tossed out the most unconscionable insults, cursed me, wished me dead in front of the children, threatened divorce and threatened to walk out (and sometimes did) dozens and dozens of times during the course of our marriage, I listened when you disparaged my family and friends. I listened to it all and I guarantee you that I listened for so much longer than any reasonable man would have or should have. I did so under the clearly misguided belief that with the proper guidance, the marriage could be saved. However, you never gave that guidance any chance of working because occasionally, you would hear things about you that you didn’t agree with – and, as always – quit. This is not to say that I didn’t make mistakes, I most certainly did. However, I made significant efforts to get guidance with controlling my volume in the face of your viciousness and horrible mouth. I might add that I was successful in that endeavor.

Conspicuously absent from your assessment above – is your complete lack of self-control and your expert ability to mentally and verbally abuse another person like no other I have encountered in all of my life, either directly or indirectly – and its impact on our ability to discuss much of anything like reasonable adults. It was you who flat out told me that you weren’t going to stop calling me names and being insulting, all the while demanding that I wouldn’t raise my voice when you started in with one of your verbal assaults, and still – I went and addressed my issues (years before) the end of our marriage even though you wouldn’t do the same.

2 – Be respectful: I was. And for the better part of our 8-year marriage, I maintained that in the face of your venomous diatribes against me and mine. Yes, on occasion, I got loud in the face of your verbal assaults. I sought guidance for that. You never did for your lack of self-control issues, which remain in place - even today.

3 – Let you make decisions regarding how, when, and for what we would spend money on: That’s all I ever did. When I did the bills – you complained. When I gave the bills to you – you complained. When I re-acquired responsibility for the bills – you complained. We got central air-conditioning on your say so. We got cars when you decided you no longer wanted what you had (3 times). We moved on your demands and under threat of divorce. We moved to the location you wanted on your demands and under threat of divorce. But seriously, that is all water under the bridge.

The bigger issue is this – that you have the audacity to dare even mention this in the face of the reality that is for years – FOR YEARS – all I ever wanted to do is sit down and create a budget WITH you. A budget that would be worked out together to determine a spending and savings plan so that we could really determine what we had coming in, what we had going out, and figure out how to save in order to spend on those things that we desired to obtain. Not one time did you ever agree to work together to make a budget. Not one time. Your idea of a budget is to go out and secretly get your own credit card, run up $6,000 worth of debt in 6-months, and then divorce me knowing that I would be “on the hook” for half of it. The whole idea behind preparing a budget was to do just what you allege I wouldn’t do (make smart decisions on saving & spending), but your paranoia that it was being done to somehow “track” only what you spend was too powerful to allow you to recognize the importance of a budget given our track record and our inability to actually save money for the future – our future and our children’s future. I can’t remember how many times you would justify the desire to go deeper into debt by telling me how much MORE in debt your friends were. Brilliant logic.

Finally, we would not still be together. Ultimately, your desire to control and dominate everything in our relationship and use whatever threats and tools of manipulation available to you ensured it wasn’t going to survive. Even today you continue to use the children and my desire to spend meaningful time with them as a weapon, which is the saddest part of all. 2 months, PEW. I’m asking for primary time for 2 months out of the year and appropriate meaningful time during the balance of the year that will be least disruptive to their school schedule. That’s the bottom line and you continue to fight against it.

PEW:

If you are so distraught about how the boys lives are right now. Change and then come back. I would love for them to have an intact family, but LM you were unbearable. There are two very distinct sides to your personality. There is the funny (hilarious), the loving, etc… Then there is the other side, selfish, controlling, tempermental, moody, impulsive, etc….

LM:

More unbelievable projection on your part and I have the documentation to prove it. I’ve already listed examples of your controlling and manipulative behavior in this email. I could make a list that would be nearly unending if I thought there was any purpose in doing so. I allowed myself to be forced to make huge, life-affecting decisions based upon your moodiness, unpredictable temperament, and threats that define you as the controlling person you always have been and probably always will be. As for selfishness – you lived the “if you get something I have to get something of equal or greater value” mantra. It was almost obsessive. Remember – it was you who said “if you get that motorcycle, I’m divorcing you!” It was you who said, “if you get that motorcycle, then I am getting a diamond ring that costs at least as much!” This, despite the fact that my father gave me the money to buy that bike when I told him I couldn’t justify spending the money on it. And what did you say when I told you that? You told me that I should not get the bike anyway because there were other things that you wanted to see that money spent on. When did I ever do stuff like that to you? Never. When your parents gave you money, did I ever say something like that? Did I ever demand “a cut” of it? Did I ever question what it was you were going to spend that money on? Never. Let’s not even get started about your antics over most holidays regarding what you got, how you got it, when you got it, and everything else. If I went out to visit a friend on a given day or night (a rare occurrence), you were all about making sure you got even, this – despite the fact that I never stopped you from doing things on your own, with your friends, and always encouraged you to do so. You made everything “tit-for-tat.” My goodness it’s so hard for me to fathom that you either believe you are not this person or just simply will go through life failing to acknowledge the significance of the horrifying things you did and said in our marriage.

Reality, PEW. This is the reality.

PEW:

If you can get that side under control, then I would most certainly welcome you back into my life. If you can’t acknowledge it then there’s nothing I can do to help the kids beyond what I am already doing.

LM:

That “side” that you embellish to no end is in control and has been very much in control to everyone except you and those you convince to propagate such embellishment (and in some cases, outright fabrication). That’s the way you work. Surround yourself with those who tell you, “Yeah, yeah, PEW – you’re right! You were horribly abused! I can’t believe you put up with that bad guy for so long!” and eliminate from your life those who say, “PEW, you know, I’m not so sure that your portrayal is all that accurate” or similar. It’s what keeps the distortions alive and kicking in your mind. Without those who would question your judgment, your versions of stories, your portrayals of who I am and how I operate – friends, family, counselors, whomever – you can be happy in your world of animosity, anger, and bitterness towards “Big Bad LM.” Think about it, you would tell people, the court, the counselors how you “feared for your safety” and “feared for your life” living with me. Yet, lived in the same house with me for nearly 4 full months after deciding you wanted a divorce (because I was so horrible) when I told you to take your time if you’re hell bent on following through with divorce and moving out, and find a place that is appropriate for you and the kids. When I bring this contradiction of your distortion and the actual reality to your attention, you get confused and cross-eyed trying to explain away how your distortion and the reality don’t quite match up. Your house of distortion will crumble under the weight of reality.

What needs to happen is for you to wake up and realize that there is nothing left for us to fight about. I’ve moved on from our marriage. You should have, too. You need to begin to move forward whether you accept “my version” of events or “your version” of events about a past that is long gone. We are divorced, PEW – none of that matters now. Very little of what I wrote above matters now. What is of paramount importance now are the boys. Stop wasting precious time, energy, and money fighting against their spending meaningful time with me. I am tired of these emails back and forth, however, I will no longer allow you to type these revisions of history without challenge. I’m sure you must be becoming tired of it, too, and if not – that is another problem. The boys are handling things as best as possible right now and this crap between us needs to stop, too. I repeat – the schedule I have suggested is not unreasonable given the circumstances. Are you really going to sit back and await Gloria’s report on the chance that it might not recommend what I request so that you can use that as a battering ram against me? More bitterness, anger, and hostility? Is that the chance you want to take when all of this BS could stop with an agreement? All of your blathering on about the “detriment of the children” and they seem to be handling things as well as can be expected, but if you think that eventually they aren’t going to be impacted by this ongoing animosity over how much time you are “willing to allow” them to spend with a father who loves them dearly – you are tragically mistaken. What the heck are you going to tell them if they discover that you fought so hard to prevent them from spending this time with me? I hope you’ve given this a great deal of thought.

Thank GOD I would discover low-contact in June of 2005. It would take some time to effectively employ it, but I gotta tell ya… this is an exhausting read even years later.

I’d like to think that my empassioned plea would crack the disordered facade of the Psycho Ex-Wife.  However, like having invisible deflector-shields that simply push reality out and around her rather than allowing it to have an impact - it simply never happened.

Will Part 6 be the conclusion?

Continuing from Part 3… This exchange focuses primarily on the events of the second custody evaluation sessions and a debate over who is bitter, angry, and dwelling on the past…

PEW:

LM, I am not bitter or angry. I am not trying to get back at you for anything.

LM:

But clearly you are. It was evident in the custody evaluation. It is evident with each new embellished or fabricated accusation. It’s clear in most everything you do or say. Out of one side of your mouth, it’s all about how I don’t help and how I am “not there” for the children and yet – you are fighting tooth & nail to prevent just that from happening in a capacity that is least disruptive to the children’s educations at this point. You talk and talk and talk and type and type and type and yet, you can’t (or rather won’t) resolve the huge conflict between your words and your actions. If there is one thing that I am angry about regarding the divorce – it’s the effect it has on the kids, which you have yet to take responsibility for. They had a loving home with two parents, you took that away from them as well as the only house they had known. I had no illusions about our marriage, I was there for the kids, not for you. As with everything else in your life, someone else is to blame so that you can play the “victim”.

PEW:

I couldn’t be happier to be rid of you, however you do make things very difficult for me where the kids are concerned. I feel bad for them that you “use” the kids because you are still angry about my filing for divorce.

LM:

Is that what you believe? You’ll notice that in the evaluation – you repeatedly attempted to badmouth me and “tell the whole (alleged) truth.” You were repeatedly stopped or otherwise interrupted by Gloria. How many times did she say, “that happened a long time ago, we need to focus today and the future” ??? Only you spoke of the past wrongs that have been allegedly perpetrated upon you during your marriage. I certainly wasn’t the one dwelling on the past and the marriage. I was the one dwelling on the children and their future.

PEW:

The years I spent with you were the MOST unhappy years of my life. The only good thing to come out of being with you are S1 and S2……

LM:

Hey, I understand your feelings. You don’t have to repeat them to me. You made that clear when you attempted, and then quit (again), marital counseling.

PEW:

if only you could put aside your anger and just help me parent them and stop wanting more more more for yourself.

LM:

That’s precisely what I am trying to do. Isn’t this the part where you tell me that I am the “greedy” one for wanting to spend the majority of two months out of the twelve in question with my sons? I can’t help parent them if you CONTINUALLY FIGHT my time with them. Or am I supposed to just be the disciplinarian over the phone so you can be the “good” parent you so strongly want to be? You want to be the one that buys them things, and then send them to the phone so Dad can reprimand them and correct them when they misbehave. That’s not parenting. You continually say, and so do ALL the counselors they have seen, that they need time with me, yet you fight me in court to take that time away? There can only be one reason for that PEW, it’s all about you and not the boys. It never has been about the boys with you.

PEW:

Always wanting things your way, which is the way it always was. I find your assertion that it’s “my way or the highway” hilarious.

LM:

You wanted me to sell the house. You ultimately got it. You wanted the car and $5,000 cash. You got it. You wanted to modify the custody agreement (twice) after we had worked things out. You got it. You wanted alimony to continue until we got our divorce decree. You got it. That’s just the tip of the iceberg, PEW. You keep deluding yourself into believing it’s the other way around. More classic projection on your part. Throughout this divorce, and it’s proven in court documents and attorney work product, it has been ME giving in on property settlement and custody agreements in order to end the fighting. That ends here. Those boys need me and I will fight for the time I am entitled to, and the type of parenting they need.

PEW:

You are the one who keeps bringing up the past by continually saying, I filed for divorce and what a terrible decision it was. It wasn’t terrible. THIS is terrible, but every day I pray that you’ll get over it and just be happy that you met DW. If she even “likes” you, consider yourself lucky and move on because you are NOT an easy person to get along with. God Bless her, the poor thing.

LM:

More distortions of reality, PEW. My reminders to you that you filed for divorce, are only to bring reality back to you when you, yet again, lay 100% of the blame for all of your problems at my doorstep. Like living in an apartment for a year - your choice for not taking the settlement. Driving the car – your choice over the van because you wanted that money. The list goes on. The truth is out there, PEW, you just need to face it. Someday you will be an adult and understand what your actions have caused and hopefully you will take responsibility when those boys ask why they didn’t see Daddy as much as they wanted to, it’s because of you. They will someday see the court documents and wonder why, when you say I’m such a good father and that they needed me, that you stopped me from seeing them. They will know the truth in time.

PEW:

I am waiting to go to court and whatever the judge decides on the summer and the school year, I’ll live with, but first I’m going to make sure that the “whole” story is told.

LM:

Right… and, as usual, this conflicts with your assertion that you are not bitter and angry, an assertion made in the opening of this very email. And what is the “whole” story PEW? Again, it’s you living in the past as you keep saying you are moving on. Mark my words right now, should the judge give me more time than you think I should have, for whatever reason, you will say the judge was wrong and was duped, because you can never accept that you are wrong and responsible. It’s a sickness.

PEW:

I want the kids to have a good relationship with you, but not at THEIR expense, or at the expense of their relationship with me because you could have been here in [custody-state], co-parenting, like a good father should, but this is what YOU chose, not me.

(more…)

As we continue on from Part 2, the discussion continues on custody but also gets sidetracked by discussions regarding my alleged “deadbeatedness” - another break from reality. She starts by telling me that she’ll provide me the alleged receipts she was paying Mrs. JM for watching S2 for three half-days per week - a total of $160/week. Receipts that she would ultimately never produce.

PEW:

I had the copies of the checks to Mrs. JM and [childcare center] sitting on the table to give you when you dropped them off.

LM:

Okay. You can mail them or put them in the bag for the forthcoming weekend. I also have copies of the health insurance cards made and laminated. They are the same (one card for both boys) but I made two copies of it. I was going to just mail them to you.

PEW:

If anything I’ve paid way more than what is in the support order because of days off etc….for S1 when he can’t go to [childcare center]. I am also going to ask the judge that you pay for part of S2’s tuition for this year. Also, my salary is not going to wind up being $31000 for the year, so we might be going back to a support conference anyway. I have missed a lot of time with the kids being sick etc……not that I mind being there for my children. It’s just hard when you have NO other parent around.

LM:

For someone who doesn’t mind being there for the children, all you do is complain about it. So much so that even Gloria floated the idea of switching custody, which I would welcome.

PEW:

Listen, you don’t set me straight on anything with your emails. It’s all your little fairy tail in your head…everyone knows that LM. Nothing you ever write is true.

LM:

Documented facts say otherwise.

PEW:

That’s fine about the 25th, but I am not agreeing to the summer proposal. Not at all, you’ve refused to work with me, so until you have a court order.

LM:

6 revisions to the original request says otherwise. Thank you for the understanding regarding the 25th. I truly do appreciate it.

PEW:

You’ll have them for the two weeks you requested and every other weekend after that. I’m not in contempt of anything. You better talk to your lawyer before you start making threats.

LM:

I repeat, I’m not making threats. There is a court order in effect. There is an interim agreement for the balance of the school year which we both agreed to in front of the master. I am not threatening you. I am reminding you that there are consequences for taking a hard-line that is not in compliance with orders/agreements currently in existence. Remember? You asked for “no surprises” and “no underhandedness.” Again, doing so in the face of your combativeness to no benefit of my own.

This would end the 5th or 6th exchange. She lies about having receipts or canceled checks for Mrs. JM (because she wasn’t paying her anywhere near $160/week, if she was paying her anything at all). She ramps-up the projection, telling me that “nothing” I ever write is true. She thinks she’s entitled to an increase in support for time she misses from work. She (again) complains about having to care for the children.

The only good thing was that she backed-down in the face of me holding my ground on the upcoming weekend that was in question. The next back-and-forth…

PEW:

I’ve never complained about “being there” for the children. I’ve only complained that you are not there for the children therefore making it very much more difficult for US.

LM:

No, you complained about how much of a burden is was for you… a burden that would exist whether I was in [Neartown1] or [home-state]. [Neartown2] or [Neartown3]. [Neartown4] or [Neartown5]. A burden that exists because you wanted a divorce. As usual, your lack of foresight prevented you from understanding just how difficult life becomes for everyone involved when you make such a decision.

PEW:

There are no documented facts, just you and your ridiculous claims. Speaking of documents though, I can’t wait to go to court, because I have a few documented suprises for you.

LM:

I’m sure you do. While I want to focus on the future and the children, you want to focus on telling everyone who will give you 5 minutes to speak how awful I allegedly was during our marriage. Heck, even Gloria struggled to get you re-focused on the matter at hand and not complain about what happened a year ago or longer.

PEW:

And your revisions were ridiculous. You are ridiculous. I am the only one who ever made concessions, since day 1 which started May 1st 2004.

LM:

No they weren’t. Each time you created a new “issue” - I revised the schedule to accommodate each new roadblock. Each time, you would come up with something new after I gave up MORE meaningful time during the Summer, and then I would adjust again. That’s the reality. First it was the travel frequency. Then I adjusted. Then it was the time away from Mom. Then I adjusted. Then there were adjustments for vacations (normal). Then you requested adjustments that would chop more weekends out of the schedule. Adjustments for a Special Saturday. I mean, just as with most “negotiations” in the past - once I adjust to your latest “issue” - you come up with a new hoop to jump through. Then, you agree to my proposed Summer but “don’t want to make it a part of an official order” because you want to see how the kids adjust? Rarely do your requests amount to much more than superficial delays and roadblocks. As I’ve said before, I will say again - it’s a matter of “control” for you. There is really is nothing more (of major concern) that needs to be ironed out. If you agree to this reasonable Summer/School schedule, it doesn’t leave a whole lot for you to hold over me now does it?

PEW:

The court order that we agreed to in front of the master is for every other weekend. That’s it, that’s all….that is the court order…..and it was “temporary” remember? I was trying to be nice by letting you try that situation out first. I didn’t have to agree to that.

LM:

The agreement in front of the Custody Master was for the remainder of the school year so as not to disrupt the school schedule. That’s what we agreed to. And no, you didn’t have to agree to it, but the end result of that decision would have been “no agreement” and the existing order would remain in force until we had a modification hearing.

PEW:

Again, I can’t wait to get in front of a judge this time. You are not going to get every other weekend and you’re not going to get the summer proposal. You’re not. No judge would give that to you when you’ve been so irresponsible and cavalier no matter what Gloria puts in her report.

LM:

Perhaps not, but one thing is for certain, I’ve neither been irresponsible nor cavalier on any of these matters. That’s simply another one of those things you tell yourself and others in order to convince yourself you are “the righteous one” through all of this. I’ve been exceedingly responsible, from providing financial support, providing emotional support and remaining in constant contact with the boys (when you actually answer the phone or have them call me back when you’re not available when I do call). Your problem is that you can’t dictate all of things that I do and I am not there to say “how high” when you say “jump.”

If you would just wake up someday and decide that you are no longer going to be angry and bitter about the past and come to agreement on what is very reasonable Summer and School schedule, the overwhelming majority of “issues” are gone. However, that will leave you nothing to argue about and cry “victim” over, and right now, you don’t appear ready to move on.

I suppose court will tell what the ultimate outcome will be. Just remember, should I end up not receiving the schedule I have requested - I hope that when you sit down in the aftermath you will find that your efforts were worth it. That using the kids to “get back” at me was worth it. And when you’re whining about how I am not there for the kids and can’t help you and don’t do things with them - it will be because you fought to make it that way. Though that won’t be your version of reality - it will be reality just the same. What a total tragedy that you can’t think of the kids and agree to let them spend primary time with me for 2 months out of a 12 month year because of your bitterness. You never have bridged the yawning chasm that is the gap between your contention that the boys need me in their lives more - and your efforts to prevent it. You couldn’t do it in the custody evaluations. You can’t do it during our discussions (via email or voice). Your argument that it “needs” to be with me living in [custody state] is self-serving and has nothing to do with the children.

Are you exhausted yet?

She’s already prepared to dismiss Gloria’s report if it doesn’t go in her favor.  I can tell you this… Gloria had her pegged in our sessions and was really concerned (details later), particularly about Psycho-SIL living there.

The only other comments I’ll make here was to note her comment about “having documentation” that would surprise me.  After 5-years, not one surprising document has been produced.  There aren’t any.  Not a single police report despite her telling people that there were.  Not a single bad review at any workplace.  No police record.  Nothing.  To this day, though, she still believes a great many things that simply don’t exist… including all of these “documents” that show how awful a person I am.

Part 4 looms… and you’ll watch me repeatedly beg her to just stop the madness. Of course, you know now that it’s 2009, fully 4-years after this exchange… and she hasn’t. And she won’t.

Continuing from Part 1, A Father Begs for Time With the Children, we progress to the third exchange in this email dance that lasted for days. This one really points to her knack for changing agreements. After looking at the two options she proposed, I picked one. I only half-joked in this post about PEWs/BPDs reneging on agreements that even they floated.  Well, read on…

PEW:

did you mean to indicate that you were flying the boys out of [custody-state]? Where are you taking them for these two vacations?

LM:

No, the boys aren’t flying anywhere. You said to “pick the 18th or the 25th.” I have training the 23rd and 24th. I arranged to fly out of and return to [custody-state] instead of [home-state] to save on drive time.

That is why I picked the 25th, because I don’t land until 5ish and I can arrange to pick them up at bedtime so that you can have your special Saturday and I can still spend Father’s Day weekend with them.

Vacation with the boys will be in [Beach Resort Town] from the 9th to the 16th.

PEW:

Well if it is going to be the weekend of the 25th, I want the whole day. We’ll go down the shore friday and we’ll come back Sunday. Otherwise we will go this weekend and come back Sunday morning, those are your choices.

LM:

There you go, changing the parameters again, just to be difficult. More of the same from you, as expected. I will pick them up Saturday night at bedtime. I will not be forced to drive from [custody-state], back to [home-state], back to [custody-state] as another in a long line of warped “paybacks.”

PEW:

You are the one who is going to look bad when this case is heard, not me. Look back at your emails, demanding, threatening, belittling me.

LM:

I am threatening nothing. All I am doing, at your request to “avoid appearing underhanded and surprising” you with litigation, is telling you what the consequences are for your actions. They are not threats. You’re getting more warning that a smart man would give a combative ex-spouse, all in an effort to *avoid* litigation.

PEW:

Also, I never faced contempt charges, stop saying that. The sheriff’s office even wrote a letter in my defense that I was in complete compliance.

LM:

After a couple of weeks of noncompliance and an order to appear, I’m sure that they did send a letter to the court that you were *finally* “in complete compliance.” Lord knows, you weren’t - that’s why they were searching for you.

PEW:

Would you like a copy? I’m going to send you a copy. This is what I’m about when I say that you harrass me.

You LIED in that PFA statement, so you can get your guns back and try to get custody of the kids. This is the whole reason why my attorney wants me to sign an indemnity. She knows we should have fought that. If I had a lawyer that never would have happened.

LM:

No, I didn’t lie. You didn’t fight it because you broke into the house on her ridiculous orders and she knew that given the outcome, you had no shot. The true shame of it was, I talked my attorney OUT of filing a PFA on the first day. It wasn’t until the threats came that I actually went and filed, that, and your uncontrollable antics in front of the children over those two days. Talk about “to the detriment of the kids.” You have some nerve.

PEW:

Get a life. Is this what you do for fun?

LM:

It’s never fun. It’s never, ever fun having to repeatedly set you straight on the realities of this difficult journey through divorce and custody arrangements only made more difficult by your obstinance and desire to use the children to “get back at me” for all of the alleged misdeeds done you, no matter how distorted or outright fabricated they may be. Each time you do it, I will reply with the truth of the matter at hand.

While you’re sending me copies of things, be sure to include the copies of payments made for the childcare, both to [Childcare Center] and to Mrs. JM. No more delays, please, I’ve been asking for months.

So ends exchanges #3 and #4. Her distortions of reality are epic.

Regarding the mention of contempt in this exchange - aside from the fact that she was never arrested nor criminally charged with making terroristic threats with the guns I own (which resulted in the restraining order I had against her) - she FAILED to abide by the court order to turn over the weapons to the Sheriff’s Department “immediately.” Several weeks went by and a bench warrant was issued for her arrest. Apparently, the Sheriffs missed her at home several times, prompting her to call me and ask if they were looking for her for something I was pursuing.

Only when she discovered why they were searching for her did she turn the weapons over to the Sheriff’s Department. She did have to appear before the court to answer the contempt charges. It was there that the Sheriff’s gave her a letter to inform the court that she was (FINALLY) in “full compliance” with the order. Nifty how she twists that to sound like she was in no trouble at all. Reality is - she was in big trouble and dodged a BIG bullet by not being home when the Sheriffs came’a'callin’!

So, let’s recap…

• PEW suffered no arrest for making threats against me involving the use of firearms.
• PEW suffered no sanctions for failing to abide by a court order to turn over the weapons with which she made the threats.

Do you think if it was me who perpetrated those two offenses I would have escaped punishment completely?

With regard to her attorney, she should be disbarred for what she advised her client to do regarding PEW breaking into the marital home.   She was smart to protect herself, but not because she “knew they should have fought it” - but because they were in an indefensible position.  You don’t simply agree to take an 18-month restraining order while represented by an attorney if you have even the slightest ability to defend your actions.

And, of course, after giving me two reasonable options with regard to the forthcoming weekend and my agreeing to one of them, she decides to change the offer to something that would cause a tremendous amount of inconvenience, increased costs for me, and most importantly - minimize time with the kids.  I suppose everyone is beyond surprised now.  She never did do anything “special” on the “special day” she lobbied so hard for, either.

Stay tuned for Part 3.

As June 2005 rolled around and our 2nd battle over custody began in earnest, I was relegated to begging.  At least, that’s how I view this very long exchange between the Psycho Ex-Wife and I as I read through this entire exchange again.  Though I appear to be rather lucid and on-point, I’m really begging here.  We had begun some of our sessions with Gloria, the 2nd custody evaluator, by this point.

It’s also exemplifies, in a rather powerful way, just how futile it is to engage in debate and discussion with a high-conflict ex-partner.  It’s especially useless when they have a personality disorder.  (Thankfully, it was around this time where I discovered information about Borderline Personality Disorder and began to educate myself to avoid this type of insanity going forward.)

• It is full of examples that really encompassed all that was wrong with communicating with the PEW:
• Getting off of the original topic into other stuff.
• Her ability to completely re-write history.
• Her knack for backing out of agreements.
• Her lies and false accusations.
• Her need for attention from me and even DW.
• My useless attempts as setting her straight on reality.
• More…

This also continues the discussion about the summer schedule for 2005 and some other stuff that occurred, too. It’s broken up as we replied to specific issues in each subsequent email. So, without any further adieu, the marathon email waste-of-a-discussion starts… she titled this “A Few Things” —

PEW:

I am attempting to communicate, once again without going through a lawyer (since your lawyer never calls me back anyway) Please keep your responses, brief and to the subject:

LM:

As always.

PEW:

1. I would like to spend either a Sat or Sun (my days off) with the boys before they go away. I never agreed that you would have them this weekend (realizing that you do have them for Father’s day) I would like to spend this sat. or next sat with them doing something special. So which one would you rather have?

LM:

You did agree when you agreed to every other weekend. When I asked you to swap the weekend of the 4th with the weekend of the 11th, it was to swap those two weekends. If you were unwilling to swap the 4th and the 11th, it was important that you say so then, not come to me later and tell me that I cannot have the boys some later weekend, particular when that weekend is Father’s Day weekend.

As for the following weekend, I have to travel and made arrangements to fly out of and into [custody-state] airport. If you want to spend a special Saturday with them, do it on the 25th and I will arrange to pick them up later in the day (after dinner time). That is when my plane arrives and if I am too early, I will do some visiting until after dinner.

PEW:

2. Please let me know what your plans are for them while you are at work. If they will be staying with DW’s nanny. I would like her full name and background. What is her training? etc….. If they are going to camp, the name and # of the camp, please. If you can’t provide this before they are scheduled to come down, then I can’t send them.

LM:

At this point, I need for you to tell me that you are, for the time being, amenable to the schedule. As you have not said so, I’ve made no “camp” plans and at this point don’t intend to. We are meeting with Nanny this week to discuss everything and, as I have repeatedly stated previously, will get you the information as soon as everything has been detailed. Expect that they will be home and doing activities with Nanny, DW, and/or the kids while I am at work.

PEW:

3. In the future please have them keep their shirts on when in the sun for longer than an hour. Also, S2 is very fair and should wear nothing less than SPF 45. S1 should probably wear this as well, he is very badly burned. I will buy a bottle for you.

LM:

They had SPF 45 on their faces and SPF 30 on their bodies. It was applied at 11AM and then reapplied after lunch at about 1PM. S1 is not “very badly burned,” so please dispense with your latest embellishment. He was slightly red and had cream applied when we got home. He was not uncomfortable, slept without incident, and other then mentioning minor discomfort when putting a shirt on or taking it off – was otherwise unaffected. You need not buy any sunscreen for me. We have plenty. As for the future, yes – I will leave shirts on for prolonged exposure to the sun. Thanks for the tip, but we’re already on that one.

PEW:

4. Privacy issues….Especially in the after shock of what happened at school….both boys have said to me in the past few weeks that they have seen your [big penis]. I’m not so sure it’s a good idea for them to see you going to the bathroom if you have an erection. Please use discretion. S2 and S1 have both commented about this in the past several weeks, several times.

LM:

Your comment above is just plain disgusting and another complete fabrication. #1 – They haven’t been with me down here for a month. So, your assertion that they have told you anything of the sort “for the past several weeks” is a lie. #2 - S2 saw me going to the bathroom when he had come in to wash his hands. He laughed at me and, as I usually do and am responsible for teaching them, I said, “privacy” and he turned to give me privacy. #3 – IF S1 has said anything, perhaps he has seen me when we are at urinals next to one another during our prior pit-stops. It’s hardly inappropriate, PEW. And your intimation that it was somehow sexual will not be taken lightly. Futhermore, there is no connection to the school incident.

PEW:

5. Why doesn’t DW get out of the car and speak to me, when you guys drop the kids off? Don’t you think the kids are going to be effected by this? I would say “Hi DW, how was the weekend?” We could act like normal people. She doesn’t have to like me, but if she’s going to be their future stepmother, she should really make an attempt to at least acknowledge their Mom. If we can’t have conversations about the kids, how are they supposed to be spending two weeks at a time down there?

LM:

First, we didn’t have much time to stay and chat. Also, what effort do you make to interact with her? The few times she has been cordial, she has initiated the contact (each time at the apartment). How about you come out of the house and come on down to the van and say “Hi, how are you, DW?” Is it because this is another thing that has to be done only your way? Make an effort, PEW, it’s not that difficult. Communication it a two-way street. At the apartment, she came up for introductions. When we had little time, she has said “hi” at the van in the parking lot.

Also, if you would consider making an effort and meeting us half-way instead of making up repeated excuses, we could actually sit down and have a cup of coffee and chat for 10 or 15 minutes, exchange information, and talk like reasonable adults do. If you continue with making us to come all the way to your door, both directions during pick-up and drop-off, the most you’re likely to get is a wave and a smile. You need to try making an effort here, too. She’s already done so.

At the very least she cares enough about S1 and S2 to make sure they are travelling safely. A thank you from you about the efforts she makes (at least in regard to that) is long overdue.

PEW:

6. Since you guys live so close to a lake, can you please either teach the boys to swim, or get swimming lessons?

LM:

We’re working on that.

PEW:

Please be brief. I’m begging you. If you can’t answer the question, then I will let your lawyer know that I can’t do the summer arrangement because adequate information was not provided.

LM:

You ask questions and make disgusting, false accusations about things which require a bit more than what you probably feel is “brief.” So, I guess you’ll have to deal with my replies such as they are. Sorry I couldn’t be any more “brief” for you.

This would end exchange #1. It’s a rather bizarre mish-mash of issues which, in a normal situation wouldn’t be entirely unreasonable. However, she is not normal, half the issues she raises are false (one, disgustingly so), the others already in the works or a dreaded negotiation. It would be the one and only time she would stray that close to an accusation of sexual abuse. Admittedly, I did call her on the phone, a one-sided conversation, and told her in no uncertain terms that if she dared attempt to levy sexual abuse charges against me, there would be hell to pay.  Notice, also, her inability to take responsibility for teaching the children something important (again, and always).  Swimming.  Her parents own a pool that they were at almost constantly.  They also have a vacation home at a beach area… but it’s my responsibility solely to teach them to swim.

Onto the second exchange…

PEW:

1. First of all, I was implicating anything sexual or disgusting.

LM:

Go back and re-read what you wrote. You absolutely did.

PEW:

2. S1 IS badly burnt and did wake up several times last night and was crying when he took off his shirt.

LM:

If you say so. I wasn’t there. I can only communicate how he acts when he is with me, which, as we know, is different from how he acts when he is with you. But that’s a discussion for another day.

PEW:

3. I will be spending this Saturday the 18th with my kids. You can pick them up on Sunday morning or bedtime Sat night.

LM:

I will take this as your admission that you will not comply with the current custody order. I will notify my attorney accordingly.

PEW:

4. I will make arrangements for the kids for the summer then, since you refuse to give me the name of this “nanny” and tell me what her background is.

LM:

This will mark (at least) the fourth time that I told you that I will be meeting with her. I reiterate (for a fifth time) – as soon as I meet with her and get the information you request, I will send it along. Please try to pay attention to these emails.

PEW:

5. DW doesn’t wave or smile, what are you talking about? She blew me off the past several times I tried to say Hi.

LM:

You are a liar.

PEW:

As far as my meeting you half way, maybe if I had a more dependable car, I could do that.

LM:

This is a lie, too. Apparently, your car is dependable for *everything* except the concern you’ve repeatedly expressed about the children’s travel but, as yet, have failed to demonstrate with action. It’s only another story you tell to anyone who will listen. It’s dependable for work… for visiting your parents… for going to the beach with and without the children… for going to fishing tournaments with the children… for doing everything, that is, except doing anything to mitigate your oft-repeated but unsubstantiated claims about the “wear on the children” having to travel 3-1/2 hours to see their father.

PEW:

I won’t be talking to you directly again. They boys will be going to the YMCA summer camp in [local-town] until we go to court.

LM:

I’ll be sure to send the YMCA our current custody order so that they run no risk of interfering in the enforcement of it.

This would end exchange #2.  It’s events like these that I speak about when talking about questioning one’s own sanity.  If you didn’t stay on-the-ball, you could get lost in trying to determine the real from the fiction.  This marathon exchange would see me working very hard to take back reality from PEW’s fiction.  Although it is another wasted attempt to set her straight… it is as much about setting myself straight.

Part 2 (and subsequent parts) will see this discussion get more bizarre and spread to other issues, as was usual with her.