The Psycho Ex Wife

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The PEW is a real prize of stability and self-control.  I often wonder how many readers go through the “notable crazy e-mail, totally unsolicited and out-of-the-blue” like those in what will soon become a lengthy Notable Crazy Email Series.

This one is a treat and I’m going to code this with the “more” tag due to it’s extreme level of vulgarity and rage.  Proceed at your own risk.

SUBJECT:  TO DW

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One of the many things that PEW has taken to doing since the discovery of thepsychoexwife.com has been to stalk and read the site and the forums incessantly.  She does this from home, her sister’s place, her parents house, and yes - even her workplace.  This has resulted in a barrage of crazy emails.  Not that they haven’t always been there, obviously.  However, the torrent has increased quite a bit over the course of the last year.  This one came on the heels of a step-parenting series article titled, I’m Just the Step-Mother.

Though we’ve previously only done one post, a long time ago and called it, “Notable Crazy Email…” - expect to see some more of these out of the blue, unsolicited assaults on our inbox in the future for as long as she continues to provide them.

LM,

I know I’ve been being baited for weeks now, but couldn’t resist this…..that’s right DW, you have no rights when it comes to my children and you NEVER EVER WILL. I read your list and I don’t think you did any of this crap. You hurt the boys WAY more than you help them and I am fully prepared to show that in court. This list will be helpful, Thanks!

—–

I’m a stepmother that helps my stepchildren, in some way, every day:

* I helped try to teach them to ride a bike
* I helped teach them how to tie their shoes
* I help them get exercise and learn about health and fitness
* I pick out books for them
* I take them fishing, sometimes even when Dad can’t (Once in 6 years)
* I take them on walks and hikes (when?)
* I sign them up for sports, on my time and with my money (Huh, are you talking about the swimming from 4 years ago?)
* I teach them how to make and try new foods (1x)
* I introduce them to different cities and cultures, my time, my money
* I teach them how to speak with respect (No I do that, you curse constantly)
* I help them with homework
* I buy them new clothes
* I buy them Christmas presents
* I made an area in the woods for them to play behind our house, decorated it with them
* I play board games with them
* I introduce them to new music
* I keep the craft cabinet stocked so they can continue to make art
* I make sure they brush their teeth appropriately
* I make sure they wipe the toilet seat off when their aim sucks
* I help take care of them when they are sick
* I help clean up their vomit
* I cut their hair
* I come up with events like SmoresFest and outdoor movie night so they can have fun
* I help teach them about respect for themselves and others
* I help teach them the importance of education
* I do this with no desire nor intent to replace their biological mother
* I do this because I care about them and love them
* I treat their father with care, love, respect, and dignity so they may experience what a healthy relationship really looks like

<…Balance of Blog Post edited for length…>

~PEW

What’s incredibly funny about this diatribe is that of the 28 things on the short-list that DW posted, she saw fit to comment on only five.  Of those five, she only really refuted one.  Further, even if we were to believe that DW “cursed constantly” - that would leave a solid A on the test scale with a 27/28 correct.

More deeply, none of the items on that list could she possibly have any first-hand knowledge from which to claim they’re false.

Something is seriously wrong with her.  It’s hard for people in situations like this, the new step-mothers or step-fathers who have to deal with a person who is so consumed by hatred and rage that their lives seemingly revolve around ways to torment their ex-spouses, ex-partners, and their loved ones.  The fiction she creates easily lead one to believe that she feels threatened by the existence of another person in the children’s lives who cares enough about them and loves them enough to do just about anything to help make them happy, healthy, intelligent, and well-rounded people.

That’s one of the great many shames about all of this.

We’ve occasionally discussed what we thought might happen should the website be discovered.  We’re pretty sure that any number of things might occur and we’re pretty convinced that none of them would be particularly good.

We often speculate what might occur…

• PEW would call CPS (again).
• Maybe get her dumbass father to leave us a nice voice-mail again so he can say things like “whore” and “slut” and be all tough-guy on our asses.
• PEW would call her normal brothers and see if they would beat me up on her behalf (despite them knowing how absolutely off-the-chain both PEW and Psycho-SIL are).
• Threaten court (again).
• She would project all of her self-hatred outward onto me (again).
• She’ll definitely “tell my dad” on me.  My dad, not her dad.
• She’ll tell others in my family.
• Maybe she might send an email, that might look like this:

LM,

I have decided that tomorrow I am sending a letter to [CSE] asking them to terminate your child support payments to me. Then I am taking the entire contents of your www.thepsychoexwife.com website to court with me….I’m asking for an emergency hearing…because you have lost it. The whole scary thing is printed out, particularly the part where DW says she hates our kids…and they have social and behavioral problems…someday if they choose to be like me “they will have to go their own way”? I’m scared….this is scary…I’ve read it all and with every new article, it just got scarier. You are a scary scary individual….and DW is JUST as scary. You do not have to pay for the braces…..I did not realize how sick you actually were. I will pay for the braces by myself. I’m going to consult with a child psychologist and find out if the kids should know about this, because I can tell you…despite what they tell you, they are very loving and affectionate to me and I am to them as well….I’m thinking you and ugly have a big HATE expedition going on over there….it’s not healthy….and it’s weird since I granted you without a fight 50/50 custody…gave you a huge break on child support….I don’t even know who you’re talking about on that website, but it aint ME. Please don’t kill me….because as I was reading it that’s all I was thinking, you’re nuts. Keep your money…make love to it, wallpaper with it….make a loin cloth out of it….use it for psychotherapy (highly recommended) just stay the fuck away from me.

This is the last email you will ever receive from me.

you’re sick…. PEW

Well… that’s what I imagine it would look like if just such a discovery were to occur.  And if just such an email would actually be the result, I might be inclined to have the following thoughts based upon quotes from just such an email:

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I mentioned, briefly, in Part 1 of the Differing Approaches - Educational Issue post, that PEW let on that she had found a project website that DW had been working on.  She discovered a long “abandoned” section where DW had made some negative comments about PEW (of course, without mentioning any specific name).  The comments were in relation to a specific event and simply described how she was acting like a psycho ex-wife again. I say “abandoned” because the last comment DW made on this project site was in October of 2008. The comments to which PEW refers was even before that.

LM,

I read some nasty comments written by DW about me on myspace and elsewhere. I am taking back what I said about the child support and if you moved to [My Township] I would do away with it. I won’t…forget that. I try so hard to be nice to you. I’m going to start my own website and post embarrassing stories about you and DW, how bout that? You do realize that I may look like a psycho to her….but to the people around me, you two look like psychos? So childish….after reading some of the shit she puts out there…I’m not sure I want her anywhere near my kids…I don’t think she’s wrapped too tight herself.. Just because she can…doesn’t mean she should.

Ridiculous….your girlfriend just screwed you right out of your favorite thing….money.

~PEW

Well, firstly - she did make an offer to drop child support if I moved into her township in preparation for her apparent forthcoming death. She wanted me to do so to ensure that the boys would still go to school in her township. As I’ve previously said, she even wants control of our lives from “The Great Beyond.”

Then, she went ahead and did the very same thing she bitches about in her email. Idiot.

I ignored her for obvious reasons. Therefore, I didn’t screw myself out of anything because like so many other empty promises she’s made, this one was never going to happen. It was just another crazy email.

She added…

As for the nasty attitude, have I ever called you psycho or crazy in any public domain?? What happens between you and I is not fodder for DW. You’re not even married to her….she’s not their stepmother…..she’s not even nice to them. As for her saying she’ll have another opportunity to have me arrested….no she wont….not ever.

~PEW

The answer to her first question is an unequivocal and resounding YES!!! There are many public records that will support that, too. As for having another opportunity to be arrested… that comment is a direct reference to what DW wrote about - PEW’s threats to show up at our place, unannounced. The extent of her comment was that she would welcome her to try so that she could call the police and have PEW arrested for doing so.

She adds again…

Have her delete the crap….or I will retaliate the same way….and she won’t like what I say about her. I can say alot… DELETE IT!!!

~PEW

It probably would have been deleted regardless, but of course, now DW won’t. Wouldn’t want her believe that DW deleted it because she “ordered” it and not because the project has advance beyond the stage it was in back then. So, DW will wait a while before folding that up.

So, in reply to our continued “NO CONTACT” on the subject, she started her own blog. She has not continued with it.  However, not before I could get a couple of screen shots to share some of the details. She only had one blog post and it was rather… mundane. However, her cover info was a treat to read.

PEW’s About Me Page:

I am digressing my ex’s girlfriend bashes me to my kids… and everyone and anyone else who will listen.  So, I decided to put a few tidbits out there for her, too.  See during our 4 year custody battle, she was the only person my ex could get to listen to him, so she fanned the flames of nastiness making him next to impossible to deal with… AND she’s super ugly to boot.  So, until she deletes what she has written about me… I am going to blog as much as possible about the kind of person she is and the kind of person he is.  I will call her [strange name that isn't DW] and I will call him [stranger name 1 or even stranger name 2, neither of which are Mister-M].  This is going to be good stuff, so stick around!

Projection.

Who I’d Like to Meet: DW’s Ex-Husband.

General:

I am basically a devoted mother of two young sons and I always do what’s best for them.  It’s a struggle with their dad being a total deadbeat, but somehow I manage.

That is hysterical.  If only she knew what an insult this is to any parent of children with an ex (wife or husband) who has willfully and deliberately vanished from their lives and refuses to support them.  I’m really beginning to believe that there is no one or no group that she won’t insult.

Books:

The one I’m going to write someday.

Heroes:

MYSELF - for being the very best parent, friend, daughter, sister… that I know.

This was truly my favorite.  It exudes narcissism.  The Psycho Ex-Wife REALLY loves The Psycho Ex-Wife!  She’s her own hero and is the best of everything to everyone.  You know what?  She truly believes it, too… with every fiber of her being.

She ended up deleting the blog and sending this…

LM,

You probably called at 5 to curse at me and insult me as usual…sorry to disappoint you. I changed my mind….I don’t care what DW has to say about me…I’m over it.  Here is what I am saying to you….I look at what you’re doing on the internet for a reason…and that is for the next time you inevitably drag me into court. It’s not stalking, I am gathering important information for the future.  What you two put out there for the public is to be looked at by anyone, even me.  It’s all good stuff for me, so just keep on doing what you’re both doing.   AND…I hope DW isn’t thinking of cooking up another “cyberstalking” case…because it’s a bunch of crap, I don’t really care what she’s doing, unless it effects my kids….I only care about what you’re doing….because everything you do always effects the kids on some level….eventually.  What I do is totally LEGAL and SMART.  I need to do it because of the history here.

I can’t afford to have bullshit in my life right now…..so I’m letting it go.

~PEW

I called at 5PM to talk with the boys, though, it is her desire that I was calling to talk (fight) with her.

I speak often of the eerie similarities I’ve seen, read, and experienced - all associated with the behaviors of the psycho-ex spouse.  I often joke that “they are all working from the same super-secret terror manual.” While somewhat morbidly humorous, with each passing day it’s hard not to believe that these people are following a script that details the behaviors necessary to create a maximum amount of terror for their targets.  Aside from the many blogs I read, our very own Psycho Ex-Wife Forums have yielded more of the same stories.  When you consider that our fledgling forums currently have just over 100 registered members, it’s still unnerving to see that nearly all of those who have contributed there have experienced not 1, not 2, but many of the same situations across a broad spectrum of topics.

Parental Alienation - though this can happen to varying degrees regardless of the divorce circumstances, some of the “subgroups” within this topic seem to be fairly common among disordered ex-spouses, whatever that disorder may or may not be.

• Bad-mouthing the ex.
• Making promises of fun times upon return from the ex, including trips, parties, etc.
• Buying gifts, animals, toys, games, etc. while the children are with the ex and telling the child about them so that the kids become focused on them and all they want to do is return to the psycho ex-spouse alienator.
• Other methods of undermining the parenting time of the “normal” ex by whatever means necessary in order to elicit a desire in the children to return to the psycho-ex.
• Bad-mouthing the new person in the normal ex’s life.

Clothing Issues.  This is another one of those bizarre subjects and one I was surprised to find is completely common.

• A failure to return to the normal ex, clothing sent over on or with the children to the psycho-ex’s residence.
• The psycho-ex disposes of the clothing sent over on/with the child.
• Sending the children to the normal ex that is dirty, torn, or ill-fitting.

The Psycho Ex wants the normal ex back.  This occurs despite unsupported claims of systematic abuse perpetrated on the psycho-ex (and/or the children of the marriage) by the normal ex.

• Pleas to return to the psycho-ex.
• Efforts to undermine a new relationship that the normal ex may now be involved in.
• Blaming the new partner in the normal ex’s life for the break-up of the marriage, even though that new person wasn’t even known to the normal spouse until after the demise of the marriage (and often telling the children the same.)
• Suggesting that the normal ex move-in with or move closer to the psycho ex in exchange for promises to offer more custodial time or drop child support issues.
• Send love letters or letters imploring the normal ex to remember “all of the wonderful, loving times” that they allegedly had together.

Employment similarities.

• The psycho ex is employed in some sort of child-care capacity (day-care, teacher or teacher’s assistant for instance).
• They are a psychologist or work in a psychologist’s office.
• They are a “counselor” of some sort.
• They work for a pediatrician.
• They work in the mental health field generally.

Custodial Interference.

• Failure to show up for exchanges, many times during important events (holidays, Father’s Day, birthdays, etc.)
• Making plans during the other parent’s custodial time that “prevents” the child from being exchanged for scheduled parenting time.
• Showing up at events scheduled during the normal ex’s custodial time and causing a scene or otherwise monopolizing the child’s time during that event.

The animal obsession.

• They have more than what is usually an acceptable number of pets: dogs, cats, birds, lizards, hermit crabs, gekkos, fish etc.  They can’t pay their bills, but have the money to (attempt to) care for all of these extraneous creatures.
• They buy and abandon and then buy another and abandon and then buy another and abandon dogs, cats, etc.
• Their homes reek of animal waste so the children do, too.  Or their clothes.  Or their bookbags.  And so on.

They call Child Protective Services on the normal ex.

• Repeatedly, despite CPS repeatedly finding the false claims to be just that - false (or in CPS terms “unsubstantiated”).
• Making other false accusations relating to the children and constantly threatening to do same.

They’re dying or have multiple, mysterious illnesses.  They usually never die nor do they ever spend any appreciable time (if any at all) at the hospital or otherwise laid-up.

• They have cancer.
• They’re having surgery for some unspecified condition.
• They are constantly going to the doctor or hospital and having tests for mystery illnesses.
• Nothing ever really ever really materializes, but they do tell the children that they are suffering from some debilitating disease which further entrenches the love and care from the children and their allegiance to the poor, suffering psycho ex.

Cellphone Issues.

They supply cellphones to the children and send them over to the normal ex’s home with them.  They often have camera phones.

• They have the children take pictures inside the normal ex’s home.
• They call and text excessively - at home, at school, at extra-curricular events and at all hours of the day and night.  This is also a form of custodial interference because they are “in the normal ex’s home” with unfettered access to the children and further undermines the time the children are to be spending with the normal ex.

They don’t like your household rules.

• They have few boundaries or expectations for the children, so anything you try to teach them is “boot camp.”
• You’re a control freak - this accusation often made as they make demands on you to control how you parent.
• They call normal situations that require respect, responsibility, and accountability - “child abuse.”

Stalking.

• They drive by the normal ex’s house or workplace.
• They vandalize the home or vehicles of the normal ex.
• They research the normal ex on the internet, stalking their blogs, businesses, or other projects.
• They have friends or family do the same.

This list isn’t all-inclusive.  If you were to go to the forums, of which there are just over 100 members at this time, a person who has not gone through what these people have gone through end up scratching their heads reading the similarities.  Many of the stories are so identical that you will often see the phrase “parallel lives” bandied about.

While discussing things over dinner last night, DW and I were talking about this very subject.  We still can’t get our heads around these uncanny similarities.  While we often speaking of their intellectual growth being stunted or stopped at age 6, 8, 10, 12, or whatever, we remain unconvinced that the explanation ends there.  DW wondered if there has been any studies done or brain scans of those with Borderline Personality Disorder (as an example) to see if literally if there is a particular section of the brain is damaged or otherwise malfunctioning.  Assuming there is, it must be relegated to the frontal lobe because they have absolutely no inhibitions the things they do generally.  They say what they want to say, do what they want to do, and they have no qualms about doing so.  There is that little something that is missing that is supposed to tell a normal human being, “STOP!  What you’re doing is wrong!”

Well, one such study reports: (Neurobehavioral Study of Borderline Personality Disorder)

The existence of an “organic” subgroup of borderline personality disorder (BPD) has been postulated. This report is of a case-controlled, chart-review study of BPD. The control sample consisted of patients with a variety of psychiatric diagnoses. The study found that 81% of the patients with BPD and 22% of the control patients had a history of brain injury, either developmental (44%), acquired (58%) or both. Furthermore, there was a positive correlation between the summed number of developmental and acquired brain injuries and the score on the retro-Diagnostic Interview for Borderline. A pilot neuropsychological study showed that seven of nine subjects with BPD had evidence of frontal system dysfunction. These results help to support the hypothesized existence of an organic BPD subgroup.

Still, it doesn’t satisfactorily explain just how similar in minute details these situations are amongst all these people.  Perhaps maybe they are part of a larger, secret terror society that does work out of a written manual full of these “standard operating procedures.”  I sure would like to find a copy.