The Psycho Ex Wife

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The following story is offered with the understanding that I have not checked the facts in the story.  I don’t know the names of those involved in the story.  It is simply another to toss on the growing pile of stories that can best be described as “horror stories.” I choose to post it because it’s all too believable.

Andem4, a reader, writes:

Not sure if I mentioned this story before, but a former close friend of mine was married to a guy with a serious PEG (Psycho Ex-Girlfriend).  The PEG was a drug addict, worked for cash under the table, collected all kinds of state assistance, plus a huge amount in child support.  They were in Canada.

My friend had 2 children with her husband.  They managed to buy a small house, and his PEG saw dollar signs.  She filed for a support increase, including back payments.  Since the government was paying her all kinds of benefits since she was “poor single mom,” they jumped on the bandwagon of making the father pay it all.  They not only calculated support based on his “household income” (both his and my friend’s), but they looked at all assets he had (the house) and granted her 33%.

She had alienated the child against my friend (step-mom) from the start, and when the kid hit teen years, the alienation extended to the father.

When the final appeal failed, they were forced to sell their house and move in with my friend’s mother.  My friend had asked the judge in the case about how her children were expected to be taken care of when their household income was going to the PEG.  The response from the judge was, “He shouldn’t have had anymore children. The first born child always comes first.”

So they were broke, homeless, and facing a huge bill of about $30,000 in arrears for the years of backpayment.  At the time, my friend made a little more than $30k/yr, while her DH made $50k as mechanic.  The small amount of equity from the sale of the house all went to PEG.  The worst part was that the child was the product of a one-night-stand the guy had when he was 20, and she told him she was on birth control (a lie).  He tried to make a go of it with her, but did not marry her.  He left when the child was about 3, and met my friend when the child was 5.

The final straw was when a man they knew going through a similar issue killed himself.  He could not face putting his family through anymore of the nightmare, so he ended it. That was actually the second suicide in the area of this type.  My friend asks to meet me at a shopping mall.  There she tells me they are leaving the country and going into hiding.  She said she couldn’t tell me where, nor would she be able to contact me once gone.  All ties with family were going to be cut so no one would be able to find them.  Shortly after that, they were gone.

I did hear from her about a year later.  They established themselves in a place that would not enforce extraditing him for the child support.  They had a VERY hard life there, but at least they could feed their kids and were able to go day to day without the nightmare.  She also told me some of the family had been hounded by the PEG, but she somehow managed to keep her lifestyle without collecting the $30,000.  I guess the government continued to take care of her and her heroin addiction.

I haven’t heard from her in over 4 years, and I have no way to reach her.  I hope they have managed to get a decent life for themselves, PEG free.

Given the sheer volume of stories like this I see, both privately (via internet contact) and even in the media - this isn’t hard to believe.

My observations:

• I’m fairly familiar with the reality that in some countries, fathers have it even worse than here in terms of child support, child custody, and spousal support (alimony).  Canada is certainly one of those places.
• Men are more than 4-times more likely to commit suicide than women.  It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that a sizeable chunk of those victims did so out of the stress and hopelessness associated with trying to obtain reasonable custody of their children and pay a reasonable child support figure.
• Sadly, this guy was another foolish victim of the “I’m on the pill” gags and lead with his penis rather than his brain on the night in question.  For that, he and that child will be burdened for the rest of their lives.
• I firmly believe that if you want to have an effective deterrent to teenage sexual activity or any irresponsible sexual activity - these are the types of stories that would go a long way towards scaring the shit out of kids today.

Continuing from Negotiating with a Terrorist Part V…

At the end of the last exchange, I drew my line in the sand and was prepared to hold my ground.  Giving in again only meant that she would up the ante as she has consistently done in the past.  I was tired of her “pay me more money or I’ll litigate” threat and essentially told her to go ahead and litigate. So she came back with this…

PEW:

LM,

Well, I want primary physical custody. Sun night thru friday. One weekend per month.

I’ll take the car and the $5g, since that’s what you’re stuck on.

Just like we talked about, but I’m not giving up primary after all I went though. It was [custody evaluator #1's] proffessional opinion that the children’s best interest would be served that way and that’s the way it should be. Like I said, I’ll be filing for a court date on monday. Please spare me wasting my time reading any more useless emails. I have nothing else to add. I was never taking the $5g in lieu of the van. I was taking it because of the fact that you’ve made alot more money than me in the 401k. You’re not thinking about the kids, you’re thinking about #1, and that’s you.

~PEW

Comment: Knucklehead just refuses to get it. It doesn’t matter how much money was made or contributed to the 401Ks. We were splitting the combined 401Ks 50-50!!! Keep in mind, she was getting half of both my contributions and earnings which occurred during a period of time where she was contributing NOTHING… and still she thinks she’s getting “ripped off.” Entitlement of the highest order.

LM:

PEW,

Then everything should be at your attorney’s office today. I will call the realtor and schedule a meeting time once everything is signed off. Additionally, I will sign the consent for divorce, too.

~LM

PEW:

LM,

Then everything should be at your attorney’s office today. I will call the realtor and schedule a meeting time once everything is signed off. Additionally, I will sign the consent for divorce, too.

~PEW

There, the negotiation ended. Or so I thought. A couple of things occurred which would see me screw myself unintentionally out of custodial time with the children. I made the mistake, my attorney didn’t catch it, and I was stuck. Further, one mistake I did find was corrected before it became a huge problem. My attorney’s administration made a typo that turned that $5,000 into $50,000. I nearly pooped myself because I knew the agreement was already on its way to her attorney. But my frantic phone calls and emailing her detailing the nature of the error ultimately got it corrected.

Soon thereafter, I got this… (more about the money for who?)

PEW:

LM,Your attorney will be getting the agreement back with a few minor changes. One being that the $70/month alimony will end upon the divorce decree not signing the agreement. I think that was really the only issue.

~PEW

Minor changes? In PEW’s mind only.   APL wasn’t “$70/month” - it was a little over $200/month.  The minor changes included:

1. Giving her a “90-day warranty” on the car.  Yep, anything goes wrong with the car, I pay for the repairs.
2. Instead of the alimony ending when we sign-off, the alimony will continue until the divorce decree is issued (buying her a few extra months of cash, surprise… surprise…)
3. I pay her back any lost profit due to having to defer a payment of the mortgage.   The unmitigated gall of someone who never contributed a dime towards the mortgage except in the rare emergency situation and who had paid NOTHING towards it in years.

Still, I signed-off on all of them.  I was out of time.  I was out of money.  I was out of patience.  I just wanted it over and I had gotten 50/50 custody of the children back… or so I thought.

But, the “negotiations” were over at this point.  We both signed-off on the agreement, I put the house up for sale, and began to look into finding appropriate housing for the future, very sad that the boys had to be uprooted again with unforeseen changes coming againt to their lives due to the sheer greed (and nothing else) of their idiot mother… who will have spent more in legal fees than she got in this settlement.

Continued from Negotiating with a Terrorist - Part III…

After the last clear explanation of where we stood financially, the classic PEW history re-write began in earnest.

PEW:

I was only employed full time for one year since S1 was born. And there was six months where I wasn’t earning anything. You have more education than me because we both felt that your education was more of an issue. I don’t have a degree and I’m not even close to having one. As it is right now, I could never earn what you earn. You have certificates and you have to be close to getting your Associates. (or should be) and [your employer] gives you tuition reimbursement. I don’t have that at my work.I have had to pay rent in an apt. for 8 months because you wouldn’t sell the house a year ago like you said you would. We knew for a long time that the marriage was going downhill. How can I be benefitting from the appreciation of the house between legal bills and rent, electric, etc…etc…

We don’t have to hold everything up. Here’s what you have to think about; The alimony and the premarital equity are a wash. You would wind up having to pay alimony because I left a lucritave career to care for the children while supporting you in your continuing education and career. I’m still making less than I was at [your employer's] after S1 was born. I should get a portion of your 401k because I should if you don’t realize that then I can’t help you. You should just give me the van because it is your doing that I have to drive S1 from [my town] to [your town] and back every single day of school till June. That was your doing. Or we can sell it and split the difference between the Van/Car etc…. I know you don’t think I deserve anything. That much is clear.

I [wouldn't] give up primary physical custody……JUST because I know you don’t want to pay the additional support AND because you claim you’re not going to be vindictive anymore which is the whole reason I had to file for it in the first place. You threatened to take the kids out of state and I’d never see them again (remember that) I wasn’t taking any chances, I wanted a court order in place.

I’m taking my time. You think about this. I’m not trying to be mean, this is me and the boys future I’m dealing with.

~PEW

LM:

PEW, I have never, ever threatened to take the children out of state, ever. It’s clear you don’t want to resolve this and I understand. I take it from your latest reversal that we’ll have to go to court then. I will let [my lawyer] know. I’m sorry we couldn’t work this out.

~LM

PEW:

LM,

yep, and like [custody evaluator 1] and the support master…the judge will see exactly what I’ve been dealing with for the past 10 years. You are transparent. And it’s going to cost you more money in the end than what I am asking for here. Good Luck to you. As I have been since the outset….I’m confident.

I will tell [my attorney] to file the petition on monday. If you have anything additional it needs to be said before monday……via email. Once they do the paperwork it’s done. I’m tired of having to pay money for you to jerk me around.

~PEW

She should be confident. In the face of all that transpired over the course of those previous 6-months, to have the custody evaluation come out the way it did would be a boost to any criminal’s confidence. I still laugh at her giving up her “lucritave” career. She gave up nothing for me. Nothing. She only ever stayed out of work long enough to realize that, while we could certainly make ends meet, there wasn’t going to be much disposable income. She made a good wage doing a good job and ended up giving it up when her personality actually reared it’s ugly head once or twice in the workplace.  People started to see her for who she really was.

Items for the bizarre list (her projection meter was pegged during this exchange)…

- “We both felt that your education was more of an issue.”

We never discussed any such thing. What she wrote is complete fantasy. We were both continuing our educations on the company’s dime. She just quit.

- “The alimony and pre-marital equity are a wash.”

They are not. She was getting temporary spousal support until the matter was litigated. She simply was not getting alimony once everything had been settled.

- “I wouldn’t give up primary custody just because I know you don’t want to pay the additional support.”

That’s my favorite and one you hear women say often. Men only want custody because they don’t want to pay support. They almost always say that as if it excludes the reality that they only want primary custody so that they can maximize support. This argument, no matter who makes it, is ludicrous on so many levels it’s almost not worth discussing. Maybe in a later post. Still, even in the context above, you can see that her primary motivation is money. She wouldn’t give up custody because she knows it means I’ll pay less money to her. Reality… catch it.

- “It’s going to cost you more money in the end than what I’m asking for here.”

Extortion, plain and simple. She’s clearly and boldly stating that she is leveraging the reality that it will cost more money to litigate than to pay her ransom demands. Of course, she was just too frigging stupid to recognize that her choices to litigate anything and everything completely wiped out the money she would get when the house sold.  (Not to mention that she always upped the ante anytime I agreed to a higher number anyway.)

To be continued…

I’ve already gone into great detail regarding the first Custody Evaluation (CE1) and how horrible the results were for me and the children.  On the advice my my first attorney, I took it upon myself to “try to get whatever custody you can work out” with the PEW, because in his experience, the court typically just rubber-stamps the recommendations of the evaluator.  I was looking at 6-days per month and 5-weeks in the Summer.  That’s it.  How far I had come from 60+% of the custodial time earlier in the Spring of 2004.

Despite all that we had just gone through, right after Thanksgiving (11/29/2004 to be exact) we had a meeting at the house without the children present to try and work something out.  At the time, she was surprisingly civil.  Given my devastating loss during CE, I was definitely not negotiating from a position of strength, but from a position of decided weakness.  I approached this with an “anything more is better than nothing more” mentality and tried very hard without pushing too hard to get her to work with me on a more equal custody schedule.  The evening actually ended with a few tears shed, a brief (if uncomfortable) hug, followed by her departure.  It would seem we had hashed it out and came to a 50/50 arrangement of sorts and a plan to sell the house, split the remaining assets, and move on.  We sat at that kitchen table, stayed on topic, and talked and talked and talked, sometimes with voices raising on both sides, but remained civil.  She knew and acknowledged that relegating me to 6-days per month was not good for the kids.  That meant no homework interaction.  Cooking routines, bedtime routines, wake-up routines, and so on.  I would be weekend dad, like so many others in this country and abroad.  I’m guessing that she also had to think that so much time with the children who she regularly couldn’t stand to have “up her ass 24/7″ would seriously cramp her style. The meeting came about after a phone discussion we had the prior Friday where we seemingly had agreed and then she hedged. Shocker.

If you’ve read any of the previous settlement offer stories, you would know that this one wouldn’t work out in the long run, either.  I was confirming our discussion as I was preparing to send our agreement to my lawyer to draw up for us to both sign. She loved to renege on agreements:

Subject: Confirm This For Me Please

PEW,

I understood our custody agreement from our conversation on Friday to be as follows:

Normal Standard:

- The current custody agreement will remain in force and is as follows:

Father has children Friday evening until Monday morning every week. Every other week, father has children until Tuesday morning.

Mother has children Monday morning until Friday evening every week. Every other week, mother has children Tuesday morning until Friday evening every week.

Additionally, Mother and Father have agreed to make appropriate adjustments through weekday trade or simple concession to allow for Father to have a minimum of 1 weekend “off” per month… Mother to have children from Friday evening until Sunday evening with the Father picking up the children Sunday evening.
————————————-
Vacations: (I don’t think either of us care about how many vacations or what-not… we’ve done pretty well with that.)

- Mother and Father agree to allow for vacations with the children with appropriate notice of not less than 1 week.
————————————
Holidays: (Again, I think that we’re both pretty flexible. I think we can work out most on our own, but for the sake of documenting something) >>>

- Thanksgiving: Father will have the children for Thanksgiving every odd year starting in 2005. Mother will have the children for every even year starting with 2004. Other arrangements may be made if agreed-upon by both parties.

- Christmas: Father will have the children from Christmas Eve night until Christmas Day evening every even year starting in 2004. Mother will have the children every odd year starting in 2005.

(You and I have already traded off this year because you are doing me the favor that allows me to go to [Dear Cousin's] wedding… so this really means that you will also have them for Christmas next year unless we agree to something different. I just didn’t want to list “odd year/even year” for everything because that would mean that we would be without the kids over the “holiday season” on BOTH days and I don’t think either of us want that.)

- Easter: ??? Dunno how much of a consideration it is… but I figured I could have Easter in odd years beginning with 2005 and you could have them for even years starting in 2006. I’m sure that we’ll make other arrangements periodically as well.

Anyway… let me know if that looks reasonable. If it is… I’ll fax it off to my lawyer and he’ll get on it right away and this could be done as soon as this week.

~LM

Clearly, I’ve come a long way from my first efforts at writing agreements. Soon thereafter, was the first hedge on her part.

LM,

I’d actually like to have them mon thru friday every week. Unless I can work my schedule out so that I can have off every other weekend, then you’d have them 2 nights overnight during the week. Because i’d be working two nights during those weeks.

Holidays:
I’m ok with thanksgiving but I think that Christmas should be split a little more equally with one of us having them Christmas eve till Christmas Day at noon. I like the arrangement we have for this year with the boys being dropped off on Christmas eve at bedtime, but I realize that’s a concession on your part. I think the Christmas holiday should alternate too. So for next year, I’d have them Christmas eve to Christmas day at noon. Ok? As far as easter I agree with every other year. It’s cool. This year is your year.

School:
I think that we need to agree so that there are no problems come next year and I think it should be in the agreement.

Let’s not rush this, we can take our time.

~PEW

So, we’ve moved rather dramatically from a several hours conversation on the phone where we appeared to have the basics of the custody worked out to something completely different depending upon what she does, changes, or wants. Too bad for me, I was in no position to get wound up about it. After all, she had that evaluator’s recommendation!

Then came our at-home discussion, which I followed up with:

Subject: Tonight’s Discussion

PEW,

I know this crap has been difficult. I appreciate you giving me a few more minutes in the driveway. I want to settle this without the animosity so that we can move on TOGETHER being nice to one another and doing right by the kids.

I will contact [my lawyer] tomorrow and just so that we’re on the same page, I wanted to reiterate what we discussed tonight:

THE CHILDREN:

The basic schedule to be…

- Mother has the children Monday mornings until Friday evenings each week.
- Father has the children Friday evenings until Monday mornings each week.
- Father is permitted 2 floating weekdays per month to be worked out between Mother and Father.
- Mother is permitted a minimum 1 weekend per month in exchange for weekdays to Father as agreed upon between the two parties.

That covers the 50/50 arrangement and covers the “one weekend off” per month and 2 floating days as we discussed as appropriate.

THE SETTLEMENT:

- Sell the house and split the net proceeds 50/50.
- I pay you $5,000.
- I keep the Van.
- You keep the Car.
- No Alimony.

I will do what it takes to get the house up for sale ASAP as we discussed on the phone. This will settle all matters so that we can get on with our lives FRIENDLY and raise our boys the best we can. Please let me know if I made a mistake in understanding. If not, I will fax it off to [my lawyer] first-thing in the morning once you let me know that this is correct.

~LM

Yes, it gives her time to do it to me again, but remember, I had been burned by time and expense having the lawyer draw up agreements in the past only to have her refuse to sign them. Time, effort, and lots of money wasted. Of course, looking back on it, even her confirmation via email wouldn’t stop that from happening, but what the hell.  Yes, I had resigned myself to the fact that, after her latest appraisal and the significant change in custody forthcoming, I would not be able to afford to keep the house.

Her reply:

LM,

It has been, I’m sure it has been for you too. What you’ve written sounds reasonable. If there is any reasonable way I could keep the van, Id rather that of course. The way you have it written is fine. The only reason I got upset is because I never wanted this in the first place. If we could talk to each other like normal people I’d still be married to you. Because I still think you’re a good person.

Thanks,
PEW

See the “sleight of text.” I agree BUT… I want the van. So much for the agreement.  Part II coming soon…

No delusion she had was ever as severe as her honest belief that everything we did or had - was because of her. She’ll even claim to have given up a “lucrative career” (as an assistant to a production manager) to further my career and education. It’s baffling.

March 11th, 2004 - we engage in some more inane, dead-end discussion about paper filing, settling things, etc. I was pissed-off and we had an argument the previous evening, despite having a million toys & other rewards to give the children when they earned something - she chose to go into a box of my collectible toys and give S1 a tractor trailer out of a complete collection of racing items. They were all moderately old and in their original packaging. Now, the collection was no longer complete.

There is no question it was deliberate given that we were on the path of divorce. She was sending a message to me that nothing that was “mine” would be safe any longer. So, we argued for a short period about it, and then I subsequently moved anything of mine that I had which had any meaning or value to me off-site, to a brother’s basement. Wisely, I also wrote up a short, but detailed accounting of everything removed for my own future protection.

PEW: are you still going to come home early for me
LM: Yes. Just because I was mad about that… Doesn’t mean I’m going to be inconsiderate.
PEW: ok
LM: I’ll be home by 3:35
PEW: ok. your words were “bear down”, so I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to mean
LM: Nothing. Sorry. I was mad. I just want to get this done.
PEW: me too
LM: Yeah, so I won’t go out of my way to piss you off if you give me the same courtesy. Actually, that doesn’t even matter. You do what you must.
PEW: i wasn’t trying to piss you off. i took a toy truck

Yes, I know, you just forgot the discussion centered around, “you can give them whatever you want out of the rewards box, just please don’t mess with any of my collectibles.” Got it.

LM: I still won’t go out of my way to piss you off.
PEW: you got a million of them
LM: Yeah, ok. No problem. I’ll make sure that there are 1,000 more things available for rewards.
PEW: ok. when are you seeing your lawyer
LM: Dunno. In court today. I’ll call him in the morning. I’m guessing one of your non-working days next week.
PEW: ok. did you read the papers yet?
LM: Yep. Usual and customary stuff.
PEW: pretty much….except for the alimony pendente lite
LM: Yeah? What’s that? I work and pay you? lol
PEW: i don’t know. it’s not important.

Too funny. I knew exactly what it was. I wanted to see if she would explain herself to me. “It’s not important” wasn’t what I was expecting.

PEW: S1’s behavior has been awful lately. the crying and stuff
LM: You mean how you’re destitute, can’t afford anything, and I’m responsible for you, your lawyer’s fees, your health insurance? You know what it is.
PEW: yeah.
LM: So what?
PEW: it’s just funny to me……..originally I just wanted to be separated…..you wouldn’t even do that for me. everyday has been a struggle
LM: I love when you say that. “I wouldn’t even do that for you.”
PEW: and, everything you have you have because of me

Correction… everything that is crap-debt I have because of her. Everything else, excepting the children which are a product of both of us, was because of me. Maybe a little more correction - the mortgage that we had, which I paid for, we had because it included her income at the time. That’s not an exaggeration.

Now, that doesn’t really matter because it was never something I hung over her head like she did. I was all about doing for and providing for the family - and how we managed to achieve that wasn’t something over which I kept tabs.

LM: Stop blaming me for things you have full control over.
PEW: and you don’t want to part with anythign
LM: Is that right?
PEW: not even a little tractor trailer. yeah, that’s right and you know it
LM: lol. Okay. You’re right.
PEW: i know i am
LM: ok
PEW: you got to keep your last house because of me…. your almost finished your degree….why….because of me. we had the kids…..why…..because of me
LM: I see.
PEW: you don’t see…. you never will either
LM: All right. Is there a point?
PEW: there never has been a point…….i’m just dissappointed that I let myself waste so many years with someone who just doesn’t care
LM: I’m sorry about that.
PEW: i’m upset. please. nobody is more sorry than me for not being stronger

Oh? There is one person who was more upset about that. Me. More evidence of projection/mirroring.