The Psycho Ex Wife

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Despite the psycho ex-wife’s repetitive complaints about the costs of all of the contentious litigation - it never stopped her from getting attorneys involved and spending a lot of money on wasteful motions, proceedings, letters, and phone calls.  This post is a follow-up to: Spending a Lot to Get a Little.

I took a shot in May of 2005 to get it resolved, but the never-ending sense of entitlement prevailed and I just let it drop.  Out of nowhere, during a phone call in mid-August of that year, she had made mention of the $1,000 escrow that still existed from the settlement of the marital household.  I replied via email:

PEW:

With regard to that escrow acct. It is currently in [first attorney's] name. If you want to have it transferred to D-Mac’s, I’ll sign a release so we can split it up.

And suddenly, without hesitation, she gives the go-ahead to release it, probably because there was something else she wanted to buy.

LM:

That would be fine with me.

PEW:

Well I don’t know how to go about doing that. So can you find out?

LM:

Send a letter to D-Mac agreeing to release the escrow account, splitting the proceeds between you and I 50/50. She will call [first attorney] and he will disburse the checks accordingly.

About a month would go by before I heard anything more, about mid-September when she wrote:

PEW:

Any word on this?

It was shortly thereafter that the checks were cut and the last of the “equitable distribution” matters from our horrendous marital relationship was completed.

The part 3 conclusion, click here for prior installments: Part 2 More Summer Custody Schedule Debate.

So there existed an issue regarding custodial time for the weekend of June 17th, 2005.  As she stated that she wanted to spend the “whole day” of the 18th with the children, I was to pick either that weekend or the following weekend, but that I “couldn’t have both.”  This is where the 7-part “Father Begs Series” would pick up.

Bottom line, due to all of my jumping around, I lost track of where I was to this point in 2005… so your conclusion IS the “Father Begs Series.”  Sorry.  (I’m actually laughing here.)  With that in mind, we’ll get into our debate over the Nanny we were using that summer, a decision that I had very little choice over, because we were on top of the summer and therefore, there were no available spots at any local camps in the new home state.  Still, with that said, Nanny Suzie was a bargain given all that she did with the children and was absolutely amazing.  There are days we wish we still had her, but alas, she would marry and relocate to begin a new life.

Continuing from Summer 2005 Custody Debate…

We continued on June 3rd, 2005…

PEW:

Both kids are sick, I am taking them to the Dr. today. You are blocked from sending further emails to me. You are a very unstable person in need of serious therapy.

And then on June 6th…

PEW:

See my requested changes marked by ***

June… finish school schedule – last day of school is 6/17.

- 6/17 to 6/19 with Dad.
- 6/19 to 6/25 with Mom.
- 6/25 to 7/3 with Dad.
- 7/3 to 7/9 with Mom. ***either to me by 7/1 or 7/2 if that doesn’t work till 7/11 or 7/12***
- 7/9 to 7/22 with Dad.
- 7/22 to 7/24 with Mom.
- 7/24 to 8/7 with Dad. *** to 8/5
- 8/7 to 8/14 with Mom.
- 8/14 to 8/30 with Dad.
- 8/30 to 9/5 with Mom.
- Resume school year schedule.

I wanted to be able to spend a little time with them at the shore and that is why I made the above changes.

Comments: You’ll notice the portion about the beginning of July, where I’ve already detailed the craziness surrounding each our vacations.  Keep in mind now, my contention is that she was already well aware of our intention to take vacation from the 9th through the 16th.  I altered the schedule to accommodate her request to get the boys on July 1st or July 2nd.  Ultimately, she would not return the favor.  Keep this in mind when your psycho ex makes promises that are not binding or otherwise covered by a potential contempt action.

LM:

As mentioned in the [custody evaluation] – during the school year, I would like to take advantage of opportunities to have them when it wouldn’t be burdensome to their school schedule – any holidays or teacher in-service days that are on a Friday or a Monday, I would want to pick them up a night earlier/drop them off a day later. Keep them over the Thanksgiving holiday (alternating Thanksgiving Day itself as already scheduled). Keep them over the Christmas break (alternating Christmas Eve/Day as we have already scheduled). Easter weekend, etc. I know our immediate need is the Summer, but I would like to finalize an annualized schedule (ultimately) so we can finally put that to bed.

PEW:

I have never had a problem being flexible with these holidays or extended weekends with you. I don’t think I’ve ever turned you down. I’m sorry though I don’t want to give them up indefinately because there will be that occasional year where I might have extra money…and want to take them on a special trip or something. Also, occassionally it would be nice if I got to spend a special day off with them. I work now 9-5 mon-friday, so my time with them is almost as limited as yours, so let’s be fair about this LM. You’re getting what you wanted for the summer right? (with a few minor changes).

Comment: How does a person with, at this point, the lion’s share of custodial time manage to make the claim, “…my time with them is almost as limited as yours…” ???  Never had a problem being flexible?

LM:

I can arrange to drop them off on the 2nd of July. I am not inclined to switch from the 7th to the 5th (August). The whole point of this is to maximize my time with the boys. Chopping weekends out of the proposed schedule doesn’t accomplish that.

July 2nd works better because EVERYONE will be traveling on the evening of the 1st and that will be a safer and less cumbersome travel day anyway.

Spilling over to June 7th…

PEW:

You are such a jerk.

LM:

Stop with the insults and focus on the children. Thanks.

I won’t get into some long-winded discussion about the purpose behind the summer schedule and my desire to spend meaningful time with the children again. You realize that the weekends are going to be vital to the relationship between the boys and me.

The adjustment makes it now 5 revisions. It’s also the last revision. We can amend things as circumstances arise and we are both in agreement, as we have in the past with much success. I would like to say “yes” to this schedule so we can both start planning accordingly.

…and over to June 8th…

PEW:

whatever LM….the truth of the matter is that EVERYONE thinks I am being WAY too nice about this summer thing. I’m going against ALL of the advice I’ve been given. ALL OF THE PEOPLE we know think you are horrible for forcing this issue on me and the kids. S2 cries for me when he’s at the sitters during the day, how do you think it will be at your house. He never cries for you….never.

Comments: Yes, the typical “ALL OF THE EVERYONE OF THE ENTIRE POPULATION OF THE EARTH” support her reply.

LM:

The “whole world” believes no such thing. Only those people who support you no matter what the reality is. “How I’ve treated you” - is fairly. Despite your lies and embellishments to everyone, including Gloria… about who sued whom when and over what issue… the fact that you change things to maximize the amount of money you get… the fact that you use the kids as a weapon to get back at me for all of the wrongs I’ve done you - real or imagined… you abandon those who don’t agree with your viewpoint and surround yourself with those who do agree with your distorted view of reality without question.

I can live with those people passing judgment on me. They only have your version of reality to go by. It wouldn’t be fair of me to be upset with them for that. Perhaps you would be willing to send me their names and addresses so that I can show them how the private you has acted for all of these years? I’m sure if they knew the truth, you would abandon them just as you have anyone else who has questioned your stories.

When all of those people, including you, wake up and realize that the situation that “forced” anything on anyone was the divorce (and not where I live) - only then will I consider their judgment sound. But doing so would mean you would have to acknowledge some measure of responsibility for the predicament we’re in.

Remember - you wanted a divorce and yet all you can do is dwell on the marriage instead of working towards a less confrontational future. You really need to stop that. You’re not being “way too nice.” You cannot possibly have the best interests of the children in mind, either short-term or long-term, by working so hard to block them spending the maximum amount of time with their father when it will be least disruptive to their school schedule. As it’s always been for you on any issue, it’s about control. “My way or the highway” is the life you’ve led and continue to do so.

Here’s a newsflash for you: Spending time [at the vacation house with your parents] will NEVER be as important than spending time with me. Never.

PEW:

Back off and appreciate what I’ve done for you for a change. I’m so tired of your creepy attitude. The whole world thinks you’re a jerk and you treat me like this….post divorce. I love it. Thanks

Comments: I should “appreciate” this shit.  Good grief.

LM:

Appreciate what? The holdup? Working so hard to avoid doing what is right for S1 and S2… me… and perhaps even yourself?

I can live with people believing *I’M* the jerk for wanting to spend as much time as possible with the children that I love. Perhaps they should re-evaluate how they come to such a conclusion. And you need to stop playing the victim card. I’m doing nothing “to you” nor am I doing anything “to the children…” fact is, quite the contrary is going on.

And as for the weekend of the 17th (your voice mail) - that is my weekend. Please don’t make me have to contact the custody master. You’ve already had to attend one contempt hearing for not following orders, it would be a shame for you to have to do it again.

PEW:

I have sent a letter to your attorney and I am currently in contact with legal aid trying to get a new attorney. If you need to contact me further, please do it through your lawyer. I’m not going to tolerate your abuse any more. Do not email me again.

Whatever.  Of course, she’ll continue to email me and the discussion will drag on and on and on and on…

In part 3, we’ll conclude this segment of disaster…

This particular exchange makes for some long reading. Despite this, it still must also be split up, lest I risk you falling asleep and banging your face on the keyboard. I would suggest that you grab a cup of coffee, a donut, and find a comfortable seat before continuing. We’ll wait…………………….

The following exchanges take place between May 25th, 2005 and June what-the-hell-ever first week of 2005 (cue theme noise for the television show 24). It pre-dates the stories told during “The Big Confrontations Series” from 2005 regarding the screwed up vacation plans and such.  It’s the pre-beg that occurred right around the same time as the begging that I wrote about in the series “A Father Begs for Meaningful Custody Time…”

May 25th, 2005

Ok LM. I will consider your proposal. But I’ll need flexibility on your part. I think we could try it your way, but I’m not willing to sign anything because I want to see how the boys handle it. If they get down there and they are crying to come home, I want them to be able to come home.

I disagree with everything you’ve said in this email. My reasons for disagreeing with you are way more simple than what you state. You left. I don’t think this should effect the boys so profoundly. The animosity I feel towards you has everything to do with the way you’ve conducted yourself over the past year and a half.

I will do this for the kids, but in their best interest I’m not willing to make it a court order…yet. Take it or leave it.

~PEW

Comment: “Take it or leave it.”  Negotiation - PEW-style!

May 27th, 2005

PEW:

Well we can certainly keep trying to negotiate something acceptable. I’ve accepted the fact that it’s not going to be exactly what I want…..but you need to realize it can’t be exactly what you want either.

Comment: We’re negotiating with a terrorist here.  It won’t end up being much of anything I want.

(more…)

This is a long one. Get your popcorn ready.

Once the original (pre-relocation) custody agreement was put in place, she immediately filed for a modification of support (despite previous claims that she wouldn’t in order to get things settled).  Just to be clear, the amount of support I would be left to pay would have been the same given the arrangement.  Staying or going didn’t change that.

My first attorney would make a huge mistake here that would be the last one I would allow.  In what would prove to be the first of many disagreements over appropriate childcare, my attorney would mistakenly indicate at the support conference that I was okay with PEW’s arrangements for a private babysitter (a friend).  While I don’t think it would have changed the contentiousness that would exist over the issue, I just couldn’t stand for such a glaring error.  I mean, it was precisely the opposite of what I had conveyed to him.

The figures were something like this:  for 3-months (before my health insurance kicked-in) - my child support figure would be 45.5% of my net income.  After 3-months, it would go down to 40.0% of my net income.  Given my possible living arrangements in the area, after rent for an apartment, I would have been left with less than $1,000/month with which to take care of all other regular expenses: food, insurances, gas, utilities, clothes, shoes, phone, etc.  That meant no savings nor planning for my own future, let alone the future of the children.  That was impossible even minimizing things.  Had I gone bare-bones basic, I likely would have been left with a place to live that those in the family court cartel would have scrutinized as being inadequate for the 2 children, which likely would have led to a further erosion of my custody time (and a likely further increase in child support). Remember - this child support figure was calculated using a licensed, certified childcare facility. This is important to remember because almost immediately after this was entered as the order, she would not put the kids into the childcare center we had agreed to.

Making matters worse, PEW was “padding her financial stats” to make sure that I ended up paying for things she claimed at a high rate of expense, when she was paying out less than disclosed to the court.  Her primary area of making extra money was by exploiting the childcare arrangements for which she would later be found in contempt of court. This would be the first example of this:

LM,

I was just offered a job yesterday that I am taking. It is a regular mon-fri 9-5 workweek. Here’s my question for you. I’d like to see if one of the mom’s at S2’s school would consider watching him for the rest of the school year, so that he could finish out the year at [St. Church's], but at the same time I’m thinking and wondering if you’re going to give me a problem with paying her. Most people want cash for this, they don’t want to claim it as income. The problem is when we go to the support conference, If it’s not an actual day care setting….are you going to have a problem paying half?

Also, it would be nice to work out this custody thing so I can start making arrangements for them to go to summer camp on the weeks they are with me. Also, what are your plans for them in the summer? Will they be going to camp? Staying home while you’re at work?

I really had to make this work move because of you moving. There was no way I was going to be able to cover those 2 or 3 weekends. It’s too much and I called a nanny service and I’d have to pay more than I make.

~PEW

So, the shenanigans are already starting. The only point I’d like to make here is that her last paragraph is a lie. She didn’t make his job change because of my moving, as much as she would like to portray that as reality. She was planning this move for sometime as previous posts have detailed. She leveraged her stay-at-home-during-the-week status to win the primary custody recommendation from the custody evaluation. PEW repeatedly informed me that she would be taking a 9-5 job for since the summer of 2004. Further, given how normal interview processes take, she was fully involved in job-seeking before I ever disclosed to her that I was taking a new job and relocating… it was only about 2-weeks later that she told me this.

This was followed up by another custody settlement plea from her…

LM,

I am writing this to beg you to please re-consider what you are trying to do with the custody. I spoke to two other attorneys who informed me that you’ll never get every other weekend because it’s too much for the children. They said none of the judges would go for that. The summer deal, we can tweak it, but I’m not going for all summer. I can’t just drive over there and visit at will. You were always welcome here when you were around the corner, but you never took me up on it. I don’t think the kids (especially S2) could be away from me ALL SUMMER. If you want to split it this summer 50/50, 2 weeks there, 2 weeks here, 2 there, 2 here….I can do that.

~PEW

Followed by…

LM,

I can’t keep spending thousands of dollars on this attorney. I’m going broke. I want to get the kids into a house.

Same for the support. If the attorney’s could just work together then we wouldn’t have to go to a conference. There are guidelines in place for just that reason. They come up with a figure then we agree or disagree and that saves us from having to sit up in [court house] for a whole afternoon and me having to pay my attorney a whole weeks pay to sit there with me.

Working with me on this would go a long long way to burying the hatchet….PLEASE

~PEW

Sad. Pathetic. It’s all about what she wants. Her plea is centered around her belief that the children won’t be able to handle being away from “her” all summer. I guess all of her posturing and fighting over the course of the prior year to minimize their time with me wouldn’t adversely affect the children, right? My proposal was to reverse the custody arrangement for the summer and that would be “too much” for the children to handle. But the 9-months that they’re in school and I am living that arrangement, well, that doesn’t matter so much.

Conveniently, she wants to pick a provider that wants to make sure she is paid in such a way as there is no accounting for the actual costs. No surprise there.

Oh, and if I just accede to her demands, THEN she’ll bury the hatchet. Yeah, right between my eyes as she’s always done.

PEW,

The problem is when we go to the support conference, If it’s not an actual day care setting, there is no accountability for the costs associated with your friend, JM. Further, we can’t claim it on our taxes. Finally - we could get into a heap of trouble due to the whole nanny tax issue that seems to be all over the news lately.

At this time, I have not made any plans for them for the Summer as the custody issue remains unresolved. If you are not amenable to having primary custody revert to me during the Summer, we’ll have to go to court to resolve the matter, unfortunately.

~LM

Her reply…

LM,

You still didn’t answer the question about child care. If it is a private home setting till June for S2 are you going to give me a problem with sharing that expense? I’m sure people aren’t going to want to report it as income. If it is going to be a problem then I guess I’ll have to go with a traditional day care. Which I may have to do anyway if I can’t find someone.

I got one of the mom’s at [St. Church's] to watch S2. JM, she’s the president of the CYO. She also subs for S2’s teacher so he already knows her. It will be $160/week. S1’s will be $15/day. In sept. it will be a little more for S2 because he’ll be going full time, 5 days/week at a nursury school, I’m not sure which one yet.

~PEW

$160/week with her “friend.” This was far more expensive than other options available to us for S2. It’s important to remember that he would be watched for exactly 3 half-days. Of course, S1’s aftercare, which amounted to pretty close to the same amount of time over a full week at school, would only be $75. Something doesn’t add up here.

I told her that I was not in agreement with her unilaterally choosing JM to watch S2 and things escalated from there. She told me that she didn’t have to consult with me on childcare. Wrong. She absolutely did.

(more…)