The Psycho Ex Wife

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Today’s article is born of a thread started on one of our psycho ex-wife PEW forums.  Our situation is not the only one out there which exists within the framework of having an extremely difficult post-divorce relationship alongside one that is exceedingly amicable.  PEW and I - not so much good.  POE and DW - I literally can’t think of a single thing negative.  Much of what I’ll present from my own perspective as a step-father will touch on the positive experiences that have been a part of my life as a step-father.  DW’s experiences, on the other hand, would be the polar opposite, at least in so far as there are no dealings with PEW.  DW learned early on that any interaction with PEW would result in failure, so it’s just avoided and she serves in the capacity of step-mother without much interaction nor interference from PEW.  That’s the case simply because she just doesn’t allow it given the history.

I’ve spoken before about how the parenting styles of me and DW are almost perfectly in-tune with one another.  This really encompasses every parenting category, interactions with the children on any level, discipline, fun, education, reading - literally every single topic that, as parents, as step-mother, as step-father - you can expect to experience.

Given that the parenting styles of both POE and DW are pretty well in line with one another, it should come as no surprise that POE is extremely supportive of my role in the step-children’s lives.  Contrary to the opinion of some - I am a good parent, I love children, and relish my role as a teacher and guide and all that which is part of that process.  I’ve been supported by POE in the extremely rare case where the children have complained about something that we’ll say… “didn’t go their way.”  The support was without hesitation and decisive.  It sent a strong message to the kids.  To best of my knowledge, I’ve never done anything to draw POE’s ire, well, with the exception of giving the children a ride on the motorcycle with the permission of DW.  POE was less than thrilled with that and imposed a motorcycle ban which has since been 100% honored, over the objections and begging of the kids.

As a step-father, I’m extremely lucky to have a partner like DW and the strength of relationship we enjoy together.  I’m extremely lucky that the step-children have a biological father who is not threatened by my mere existence in their children’s lives.  I know my role.  He knows I know my role.  I will always defer to him and DW when it comes to matters regarding the step-kids.

Bottom line is that for me, my experience as a step-father has proven to be little different than that of a father.  All four kids are great.  The only differences in approach with any of the kids, specifically the step-kids, are matters that are beyond the day-to-day living.  Those are the higher level matters that biological parents discuss and settle.  Even there my input is often requested and considered if appropriate. It’s quite the blessing.

For how it is both like and unlike parenting from DW’s perspective, visit the article: I’m Just a Step-Mother

I know the obvious - that it’s not true of every arrangement and it’s quite likely that every single parenting and step-parenting arrangement has it’s own unique idiosyncrasies.  Some comments on this topic from the forums:

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Recently, DW celebrated a birthday.

One thing that I really want to take the time to suggest, recommend, hell - perhaps even order you to do is to regularly take the time to reflect on how much love your partner is giving you.  That should probably go without saying, but when you’re going through experiences such as we go through and over a prolonged period of time - it’s not unusual for the attention to the mess and all of the associated stress and pressure conspire to make you “forget to remember.”

You don’t need a special occasion such as a birthday or anniversary to make this happen.  In fact, it’s often even more well-received when it’s not.  When you take a moment during a regular every day, take a deep sigh, and reflect on just what hell your new significant other goes through day-in and day-out as they hold onto their love for you, for your kids, and for your relationship.

If you’re one of those readers who has a new partner who goes through these messes with you, take a moment, take a moment soon, and take moments frequently and remember all of those things she does, how she’s helped (oftentimes without ever being asked) and always remember that she’s a volunteer in your mess.  Her love for you and perhaps your kids if you have any are what keep her close by, there to support you in all you do and help you to keep your sanity.

DW is my volunteer.  DW is the love of my life.  The things she does for and with me and the children (mine and hers) are endless and exceedingly thoughtful.  In doing so she’s endured some unimaginable stresses and pressures at the hands of a hateful and vindictive psycho ex-wife.  Calls to Sheriffs and subsequent visits.  False allegations of abuse resulting in visits and interrogations by Child Protective Services.  Being spoken about in horrible terms, made fun of, and insulted to the children by PEW and her twisted family members.  And that’s a short list.

For all she does and all she endures just to be with me, I can’t thank her enough.  I’m certain that there isn’t anything that I could do that would adequately show how appreciated she is.  (I must be doing something right, because she ain’t here for my millions unless there is some value in the millions of headaches my situation has likely caused her!)  I love her with all of my heart and soul.  We get up every day expecting to laugh and smile and love with one another and it truly does happen every single day.  Those days we’re apart, we still get those very important things done - laugh, smile, love.  We do this despite some of the rough setbacks suffered over the last few years with job loss stress, PEW hassle issues, court and court and court.

Now, if you are one of those readers that is the significant other of a guy/gal with a psycho ex, I’ll tip my hat to you for all you do in the realm of what you’ve read above.  I hope that they take the time to let you know that you’re appreciated and that they understand you’re a volunteer and you’re there because you love them.

Happy Birthday, DW!  I love you so!  Hot-stuff.

On a Fall evening back in 2005 came a memorable bedtime conversation that involved S1 and S2.  At bedtime that evening, my sons brought up the subject of marriage with the DW, S2 informing me that S1 told him that DW said we wouldn’t be marrying any time soon.

Back then, S2 was totally in love with the DW in a way that only a 4-year old can be. On that particular night, he gave me his blessing to marry her because, as he put it…

“I love her, so you should marry her. So she could be my step-mom.”

I told him that we can’t get married until I ask her and even then, she would have to say yes. As the logic of a 4-year old would have it - comes the simple solution…

“Oh, well go downstairs and ask her then. Come back up and tell us what she says.”

Hmmm…

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I’m “just” a stepmother.

I’m a stepmother that helps my stepchildren, in some way, every day:

• I helped try to teach them to ride a bike
• I helped teach them how to tie their shoes
• I help them get exercise and learn about health and fitness
• I pick out books for them
• I take them fishing, sometimes even when Dad can’t
• I take them on walks and hikes
• I sign them up for sports, on my time and with my money
• I teach them how to make and try new foods
• I introduce them to different cities and cultures, my time, my money
• I teach them how to speak with respect
• I help them with homework
• I buy them new clothes
• I buy them Christmas presents
• I made an area in the woods for them to play behind our house, decorated it with them
• I play board games with them
• I introduce them to new music
• I keep the craft cabinet stocked so they can continue to make art
• I make sure they brush their teeth appropriately
• I make sure they wipe the toilet seat off when their aim sucks
• I help take care of them when they are sick
• I help clean up their vomit
• I cut their hair
• I come up with events like SmoresFest and outdoor movie night so they can have fun
• I help teach them about respect for themselves and others
• I help teach them the importance of education
• I do this with no desire nor intent to replace their biological mother
• I do this because I care about them and love them
• I treat their father with care, love, respect, and dignity so they may experience what a healthy relationship really looks like

(That’s the short list) AND YET:

• I get no consideration on how custody changes will affect me or my children
• I get no consideration on how child support will affect me or my children
• I get no consideration for activities I believe they should or should not participate in
• I have no say in their medical care
• I have no say in their education
• There may be more…

And… you can bet your last dollar I’m dragged into nearly every court proceeding to answer questions that affect me every single day, while no one gives a crap how the outcome will affect me or my children.

If I was really “JUST” a stepmother, I wouldn’t be here fighting for my “JUST” stepchildren to have a wonderful life.  Thankfully, at least I get credit for what I do and why I do it from the people who matter the most: Mister-M, my “just” stepchildren, and just as importantly - my own children.  To them and all the others who know the truth, thank you.

~DW

Ah yes… the beauty of brotherly love.

Recently, S2 celebrated a birthday.  We had a very nice family party… a bowling outing that everyone raved about and could end up being a vehicle for even more family get-togethers that don’t require a special occasion as an excuse.  Not only did all the kids have an incredible time - the grown-ups did, too!

In any event, in the week before the party, there was an evening where S1 approached me asking for a blank piece of paper.  I didn’t think much of it, directing S1 to where the paper was and he went about his business with crayons and pencil.  He enjoys drawing and I just chalked it up to another drawing session as the rest of us watched whatever television show happened to be on that night.

After a while, he called me into the bedroom because he wanted to “talk privately.”  When we got there, he showed me a handmade birthday card he had created for S2’s birthday.  He asked me what I thought about it.

On the front it read: Little Brother = 9

The 9 was all colored in and rising up from the bottom of the card was a drawn half-head (top end) of a little boy that clearly was drawn to be S2.  I opened it up and on one page was a poem written inside of a heart which read…

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