The Psycho Ex Wife

Have your own psycho ex? Get a FREE Report on "Why Co-Parenting Doesn't Work", or learn how to win child custody with a custody coach.

Today’s article is born of a thread started on one of our psycho ex-wife PEW forums.  Our situation is not the only one out there which exists within the framework of having an extremely difficult post-divorce relationship alongside one that is exceedingly amicable.  PEW and I - not so much good.  POE and DW - I literally can’t think of a single thing negative.  Much of what I’ll present from my own perspective as a step-father will touch on the positive experiences that have been a part of my life as a step-father.  DW’s experiences, on the other hand, would be the polar opposite, at least in so far as there are no dealings with PEW.  DW learned early on that any interaction with PEW would result in failure, so it’s just avoided and she serves in the capacity of step-mother without much interaction nor interference from PEW.  That’s the case simply because she just doesn’t allow it given the history.

I’ve spoken before about how the parenting styles of me and DW are almost perfectly in-tune with one another.  This really encompasses every parenting category, interactions with the children on any level, discipline, fun, education, reading - literally every single topic that, as parents, as step-mother, as step-father - you can expect to experience.

Given that the parenting styles of both POE and DW are pretty well in line with one another, it should come as no surprise that POE is extremely supportive of my role in the step-children’s lives.  Contrary to the opinion of some - I am a good parent, I love children, and relish my role as a teacher and guide and all that which is part of that process.  I’ve been supported by POE in the extremely rare case where the children have complained about something that we’ll say… “didn’t go their way.”  The support was without hesitation and decisive.  It sent a strong message to the kids.  To best of my knowledge, I’ve never done anything to draw POE’s ire, well, with the exception of giving the children a ride on the motorcycle with the permission of DW.  POE was less than thrilled with that and imposed a motorcycle ban which has since been 100% honored, over the objections and begging of the kids.

As a step-father, I’m extremely lucky to have a partner like DW and the strength of relationship we enjoy together.  I’m extremely lucky that the step-children have a biological father who is not threatened by my mere existence in their children’s lives.  I know my role.  He knows I know my role.  I will always defer to him and DW when it comes to matters regarding the step-kids.

Bottom line is that for me, my experience as a step-father has proven to be little different than that of a father.  All four kids are great.  The only differences in approach with any of the kids, specifically the step-kids, are matters that are beyond the day-to-day living.  Those are the higher level matters that biological parents discuss and settle.  Even there my input is often requested and considered if appropriate. It’s quite the blessing.

For how it is both like and unlike parenting from DW’s perspective, visit the article: I’m Just a Step-Mother

I know the obvious - that it’s not true of every arrangement and it’s quite likely that every single parenting and step-parenting arrangement has it’s own unique idiosyncrasies.  Some comments on this topic from the forums:

(more…)

Another unsurprising story from a reader who declares that he “got the trifecta” with his psycho ex-wife…

Dear LM & DW,

I could have written your website, except my ex-wife not only has been characterized to have BPD [borderline personality disorder], but also sociopath and Narcissistic tendencies as well. I got the trifrecta with her. I have [several] therapists reports stating these disorders and the court just dont care, but God forbid I should leave a hair out of place on my [kids'] head and they are ready to take custody from me.

I have fought 6 yrs for Joint custody, just recently getting it a year ago. I am made out to be this bad guy, who is controlling, abusive, and stalking, and she is so convincing in public. The therapists call it projecting, but that doesn’t help me and my son (S8) and daughter (D13). Can you offer any advice in dealing with her and co-parenting with her? She constantly violates our court adopted Parenting Agreement, withholds information from me, prevents me from talking with my [children], and blocking me from contacting [them]. The child is caught in the middle, and when she cannot get to me doing these things, she then tries to alienate our [kids] from me by bad mouthing me. Its a never ending battle just to get her to abide by our court order. I can file contempt charges, but the courts won’t do anything. I am at my wits end. I have found myself starting to act out of character because she drives me crazy, and then it gets used against me. Her best defense is to be on the offensive, if I accuse her of something, she immediately deflects it by changing the subject and say I am doing something, then I find that I am defending myself. She makes so many allegations with no evidence and I am guilty until proven innocent.

Do you recommend any good books for kids to read, to help them cope with a crazy parent, and also cope with being put in the middle of and used as a weapon by parents?

Will this HELL ever end?

Take care,
With Multiple “D’s”

Multiple D’s - there is a lot to cover here.

(more…)

LM and DW -

I have recently come across your site and I am inexplicably addicted to reading all about your PEW and your struggles. I read anywhere I can, but mostly at work. In my situation, it isn’t a PEW, but a Psycho Ex-Husband who is nothing but enabled by his family. (He was also once diagnosed by a counselor as a borderline bipolar, but as soon as he heard about that……stopped going!)

I just read your post from 26 Mar 08, PEW reverses Course - Apologizes. I have seen this type of thing too many times to count. It’s insanity (based on the definition).

You write:

PEW is working YEARS in advance to convince the children that I’m the “bad guy” and when they’re 12-years old they can stroll into court and pick her over me. It’s disgusting.

[These] last few lines of the post really hit home. My children are S14, D12, S10. Two years ago, The Psycho Ex-Husband filed for full custody of S14 on the basis that I was a danger to him. S14 became upset with me when I informed him it was time for bed. It was 1am on [New Year's] Day. S14 declared that The Psycho Ex-Husband told him he didn’t have to listen to me when he didn’t feel like it. I turned out the lights and said, “BEDTIME!”

(more…)

From the “cyber email bag” came another profound email reply that will never be sent, but will be shared with as many people as we reach just the same.  It will reach people who will learn the importance of good family and great friends and how wonderful a loving support system is to getting through and beyond the mayhem that a psycho ex can bring down upon you. Thank you, “sadie”, for your submission.

Dear PEW,

Have you ever wondered why you keep “winning” the battles and losing the war? Have you wondered why your best efforts to deliver that fatal blow to my and DF’s relationship and our relationship with SS’s never hits the mark? Why it is that all the chaos and misery you fire into our lives doesn’t keep us from enjoying a strong relationship, a happy family life with our kids, and a loving and supportive home? It’s because you aren’t what you think you are.

You don’t have the power to destroy people’s lives. You have the power to make others feel unhappy, insecure, angry, but guess what? We normal people have the power to bring happiness, security, and peace to each other. So, you take your shots, cause some conflict, some hurt, some anxiety, and then we all step in and undo it with compassion, patience, and love for each other.

You don’t have the power to change people from who they are to what you want them to be. You can run them down, and make up lies about them, but guess what? We normal people have the power to celebrate and appreciate each other for being who we are. So, you take your shots and cause others to feel badly and doubt themselves, and then we all step in and undo it with admiration and respect for each other.

Everything you do is tossing pebbles at a mountain. You can’t win because you aren’t enough of a person to win. You simply don’t have what it takes, and you never will.

Sincerely,
The Normal Ones

Amen.

We get lots of emails from people who are going through various degrees of the same disaster with a psycho ex-wife and occasionally even a psycho ex-husband. Stepmothers seem to be particularly prone to being in the line of fire for obvious reasons. Stepmothers are in the untenable position of pissing off the biological mother for caring too much. Stepmothers are in the untenable position of pissing off the biological mother and/or father for not caring enough. Stepmothers are in the untenable position of being damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Stepmothers are nuts for volunteering for such duty. It’s not that stepfathers don’t have their share of crappy situations with which to deal, but there is a reason for the old adage, “Hell Hath No Fury…” and it’s not because men get scorned all that often. Men generally don’t “scorn.” They’re either assholes or they’re not. The women with whom most of us have to deal, live in a perpetual state of scorn that is rooted in a deep self-loathing that is not easily overcome.

I’m not sure I’ve mentioned this before, which is hard to imagine because I often feel like I repeat myself over and over and over again, but notice 2 things:

1 – We as individuals (or individual families) are met with disbelief when the depths of our experiences are explained to those around us. It’s a horrible feeling and we often feel left out on an island.

At the very same time, the reality is…

2 – There are thousands upon thousands upon thousands of us going through the same nightmare.

Quite the conflicting set of scenarios. Why does it happen? Most of us retreat into our own private hell because the disbelief becomes tiresome. Or, we never get to the point of sharing out of embarrassment or fear for getting ourselves so deep into the mess to begin with. Our dream is to get out of it without anyone ever finding out.  Read our “Why Talk About It On the Internet.”

We get a pretty regular stream of people who are in a position to face their fears, as difficult as they may be, and get straight before their lives become a bigger disaster than they already are. TT is one of many stepmothers (among others) and she writes…

(more…)