The Psycho Ex Wife

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The PEW is a real prize of stability and self-control.  I often wonder how many readers go through the “notable crazy e-mail, totally unsolicited and out-of-the-blue” like those in what will soon become a lengthy Notable Crazy Email Series.

This one is a treat and I’m going to code this with the “more” tag due to it’s extreme level of vulgarity and rage.  Proceed at your own risk.

SUBJECT:  TO DW

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My family often marvels about how much time I have to spend in court and doing court-related activities like conferences, evaluations, etc.  I often marvel, too.  One of my family members surmised that the amount of litigation that the psycho ex-wife puts us through is a new disease.  Thusly, he coined the name of the new disease as:

LITIGITOSIS

I still laugh at the way the word sounds as it rolls off of the tongue.  Litigitiosis.  Essentially, litigitosis is a disease of excessive frivolous and vexatious litigation.  PEW has severe litigitosis.  At this time, there is no cure and we’re not sure that there will ever be one because the Family Court players pay a lot of money to the pharmaceutical companies to not research and develop medication for this disease.  There is too much money to be made from excessive frivolous and vexatious litigation and personality disorders are the engine that powers the money making machine.

PEW would project, errr… I mean have other people believe, through her innate ability to spin a yarn, that I am the excessive litigant.  Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, that’s simply not true.

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I tend to be falsely accused of sharing information about court hearings and other litigation-related matters with the children.  This is simply due to PEW’s penchant for projection.  It’s something we know that she does with the kids regularly.  In fact, she shares so much inappropriate information with them it amazes me every day that they do as well as they do in school and other areas of life.  When a psycho ex-wife or psycho ex-husband is falsely accusing you of something, there is a very strong chance that they are doing the exact thing (or something close to it) which they’re accusing you of perpetrating.

Bottom line is that we just don’t do it.  While there have been occasions where we have been approached by the children with questions (exclusively prompted by things said by PEW), we handle those carefully, in age appropriate ways, and move away from any unnecessary details.

The very night after the end of the crap detailed in “Custody Exchange Logistics” - I got a voice mail from PEW describing how S1 was really upset and it had something to do with the court stuff.  I replied via email:

PEW,

Got your voice mail. Perhaps if you could be a little more specific, I might be able to understand what S1 was upset about.

I can assure you that I don’t speak to S1 about our ongoing issues in any capacity. During last night’s phone call, all we discussed was school and homework. He told me that he was doing good but that sometimes he didn’t understand what he was doing regarding math and reading. He told me that you try to help him and I told him that if he could tell me what it was he was having trouble with, I could certainly help him, too. I told him that I thought it would be a better idea to do homework when he came home when stuff was “fresh in your mind” instead of watching television and doing his work so late in the evening. He understood that. He seemed a little frustrated, but that was all we discussed.

This past weekend, we did nothing but play, watch a couple of shows, and watch the tide come in and go out, and have a party. The weather and full moon made the back bays flood and there were some interesting sights to see as a result. There was no discussion (there never is) about our predicament. He did express some concern about having to move again. It was a short discussion and I assured him that we would make sure that the transition to a new place would be as smooth as we could make it, though I don’t really know how that will be accomplished.

Do you have any idea regarding where you are moving to or when? It’s certain a very important issue.

~LM

That was it. I gave her a detailed explanation and her voice mail was very confusing and out of left field (as they often were).

LM,

I won’t have to move at all if the judge awards the counsel fees. If we do have to move, the kids can thank you some day for that. As far as last night, he specifically got off the phone and started crying about “the feud” as he called it. I find it hard to believe that OUR kids don’t hear anything from your end, since DW’s kids seem to know quite a bit, as evidenced by my conversations with them at the courthouse over the summer. I told S1 that it’s already been settled, they are staying with me and will continue to see you as much, if not more as they do now. Unless you move back, in which case they would see you ALOT more.

You need to do some serious examination of your conscience.

~PEW

And just that fast her concern about the kids vanished as she went into her usual blame mode and money grabbing scheming. Shocker.

I would ignore that, but she would offer a follow-up…

LM,

by the way, it was 7:45 when we were doing homework last night, not “so late in the evening”.

~PEW

Their bed time at the time was 8 o’clock during school nights. That would make it “late in the evening” for the boys aged 5 and 8. Duh. Pure genius, she is.

Another commonality with the high-conflict ex is their ability to turn their own logic on a dime.  Her problems and any problems regarding the children were originally due to my involvement in their lives and my proximity to them and all she wanted was me to go away and get the hell out of their lives.  When I was relegated to non-custodial parent status and 200-miles away, her problems and any problems regarding the children were due to my absence from their lives and the distance I was away from them and all she wanted me to do was move back (and sometime even suggested I move in).

Of course, now that I’m back, all she wants is to minimize my custody again and have me go away.  And people wonder why I’m alarmed by her craziness, her unnecessary and excessive child custody litigation, and it’s ultimate impact on the children.

Be prepared if you have one of your own.  This shit will never stop.  Push-pull, pull-push, stay-go stay-go go-stay, SPLITTING, I hate you - don’t leave me, etc.

If you’re dealing with a psycho ex-wife or ex-husband, you’re sure to experience a level of projection, false accusations, general chaos, and terror that few will truly believe without having experienced it themselves.  The following examples of what you likely have experienced is not all-inclusive, but it will serve as a foundation for what you’ve gone through.  If you’re about to go through a divorce and/or custody matter with a psycho ex, consider this a primer for what you will go through for some time to come.

Everything I believe is truth: If it wasn’t true, how could I believe it? Proof you say? There is no need for proof, I believe it so it must be so. And because I believe it, everyone that loves me also believes it.

Everyone else is responsible for my faults: I’m perfect, and those things that aren’t perfect in my life are someone else’s fault. I overeat because of you, I spend too much because of you, I never went to college because of you, I lost my job because of you, the Judge ruled against me because you manipulated them.  This list can go on forever.

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I’ve made reference to this incident several times in related blog posts.  This one will lay out our direct discussion about the events of the hearing on June 30th, 2006.  On that fateful day, I made a huge mistake that has not been repeated since.  I had the kids for a couple of weeks and PEW had asked me specifically if she could see the boys the day of the hearing at the courthouse.  It made sense (on the surface) because my mother would be taking care of all 4 kids during the day and she could just meet us there as a few of her plans were to be done in the vicinity of the courthouse or visiting some old friends who worked nearby.

The usual points of interest are here… her contradictions, her fabrications, her condemnation of something that she had previously done (and the children actually did spend the entire day at the courthouse)… but worse, was her deliberate attempt to engage my mother in a confrontation in a crowded courthouse lobby.  This was particularly sad because my mother is a “stay out of it” person when it comes to my drama, primarily at my stern request.  Rather than be dismissive and more importantly, because she truly cared and wished to convey her sympathies - it was her inquiry about PEW’s grandmother’s recent death that prompted PEW to act out like the impulsive mental child that she is.

Preceding the hearing and still trying to parlay my settling at the child support conference into a possible settlement on the child custody issue - I get this email the day before the hearing…

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