Disruptive phone contact and phone call interference is something I’ve written about extensively on the blog. It is also one of the most common issues facing those who follow the blog, whether they’re checking back regularly or simply passing-through.
In the early days, given my non-custodial parent status, frequent and substantive phone calls with the children were extremely important to me. Not that they still aren’t, but my approach has changed dramatically over the years given what I am actually able to manage about the situation. Back then, it would seem I was stone-walled at every turn. There are several common tactics that the vindictive, psycho ex-wife or psycho ex-husband employ when it comes to phone contact.
- Not answering the phone at all.
- Not returning calls when messages are left.
- Hovering over the children during phone calls to “listen-in” or tell the child what to say.
- Forcing the children off of the phone abruptly.
- Interrupting the phone calls to speak to the children while they’re on the phone.
- Having the television on, loudly, to the kids’ favorite television show or movie.
- Seeking to engage the normal parent (usually in front of the children) prior to allowing the children to have the phone.
Later in the fall of 2005, well after the recorded events of the summer had come and long gone, I still was having significant problems when it came to calling the children. Despite these ongoing problems, I always made sure that the television was off and the children had a reasonable level of privacy when they were with me and PEW called, save for the period where I was recording the phone calls with PEW’s permission. I tried to get some reciprocation through another failed email effort. I did what I could, by calling at around their normal bedtime so that I didn’t interfere with expected activities that would likely be taking place earlier in the day. I rather enjoyed using that as tuck-in time given the distance.
PEW,
Phone calls - I don’t know which way would be easiest, but I’d like to come up with some sort of idea for when I call the boys. I know S2 can be ornery when it comes to phone conversations and we’ll just have to make due. But I have asked before to have them set-up someway/somehow where they will be “less distracted” when I call to chat with them but it still happens. It’s tough to have a conversation with them when they have one eye on the TV or they are involved in something. I don’t know if you can have them go to their room for a short chat when I call or if it would be easier for you to have them call me when they are set-up at some point when they are ready to settle down for the evening - but it would be helpful if you could assist me with this. I’m not sure what else to suggest.
Let me know what you think.
~LM
For those who follow the low-contact principles that I beg of you to maintain, the comment “let me know what you think” isn’t one of those things you should be doing. Nothing invites an escalation more… than an invitation such as this. Make requests without inviting feedback. Chances are you know it will be denial and/or refusal. Asking them to send it back to you is silly. Truth be told - when you’re dealing with the high-conflict ex, you probably are best served not making the suggestions at all.
LM,
As far as the phone calls, I try my best to make sure there are minimal distractions when you call. As you know, by the time I get home with them it is approximately 5:45, this gives me about 2 hours to do dinner, homework, baths, spend some quality time with them, etc, etc… Two hours is not a lot of time and I have many additional responsibilities besides your phone call, not that the phone call isn’t important because it is very important. Here are my thoughts, I will do my best on my end, but you are going to have to do your best to get them to attend to the conversation, however you can. Please stop harrassing me about this. They don’t always want to talk to me when I call them at your house and guess what, I understand. The most important thing that you need to realize is that the conversations are for them, not for you. When they need to talk to their daddy, they spend extra time talking to you, don’t they? I’ve heard S1 and S2 have prolonged conversations with you on nights when they really wanted to talk to you whether there was a toy in the room or not. I’m glad you want to talk to them, but it’s not my job to MAKE them talk if they don’t want to.
~PEW
Well, at no time did I ask her to “make them” talk to me. Yes, on the rare occasions when they weren’t distracted by other goings on, we did have conversations that one wouldn’t expect with children so young. That will happen when you ask them to tell you about their day and details about the things they were enjoying having done. However, by calling at bedtime, I made the effort not to interfere with her meaningful time and did so under the assumption that television, movies, video games, etc. would long be finished. Oh, and a single email about this doesn’t constitute “harassment.”
PEW,
I didn’t ask you to “make” them talk to me. I simply asked you to assist in minimizing distractions whenever possible. They will talk as long as they wish. What is tough to overcome is:
- They don’t talk because they are watching the show that is on TV.
- They hurry me off the phone because you told them that you are putting a movie in for them.
- They want to hang up because you have some other activity going on.
I call at around 8PM guessing that things may be settling down, perhaps they are getting ready for bed or similar in an effort NOT to interfere with your time.
My intent is not to “harass” you about it. My intent is to get the minimum amount of cooperation from you on matters relevant to the children and my interaction with them. It is asking no more than what I ensure for you when it is time for them to talk to you. I wouldn’t be asking again if I didn’t feel the need to based upon my experiences.
Thanks.
~LM
Continued reasoning in 2005 is the result of years of doing the same thing over and over and over and over again and expecting a different outcome. I guess I was insane by that point, probably long before.
LM,
It’s not quite like that. I always turn the TV off when they are talking to you, but it just so happened that I was doing something important the other night when you called and I couldn’t stand over them and make sure they listened to you. I do minimize the distractions.
I never tell them “let’s rush off the phone with Daddy so I can put a movie in for you”. They ask me if they can watch a movie and I say “let’s call Daddy first so you can talk to him, then I’ll put the movie in when you’re done talking”
I would have them call when they are IN bed, but then you’d be harrassing me that it was after 8 o’clock.
Your harrassment of me for every little thing has got to stop. Major issues you have with me, yes, I absolutely want to hear about, but I feel like you go out of your way to invent things to complain about when it comes to me. You have nothing else right now, so I gotta hear about the phone calls, right?
~PEW
Some lies and some excuse-making. Fact is, she NEVER turned the television or video game system off when I called. When I say “never,” I mean “NEVER.” Never. Not a single time at that point. You have to laugh at her explanation of the movie thing. She didn’t have to say “let’s rush off the phone” to get to a movie. It’s implied that the faster that they get off the phone with me, the faster that they can get to their movie. That’s a good enough defense for her. Oh, and let me be clear that at no time has she ever initiated a phone call to me from the children unless it was a call-back. Not a single time since we split until 2004. Every rare once-in-a-while, the children may ask her to call me and they do. Even those moments are rare and to be expected. For the most part, that comment by her is almost completely false, too.
It seems from the next email I sent that we must have had a phone discussion the night before. It would seem from what I say that the matter was agreed and settled. So, I seem confounded by the reply above.
PEW,
I made a simple request. I did not and do not harass you. Fact is, I reasonably discussed my concerns last night, despite your obvious sarcasm. Confounding is that you would continue today after we discussed this last night. I thought the matter was addressed and settled - you communicated that doing what you can to keep the boys from being distracted when I speak to them was not important to you. I explained why it is important to me and why it should be to you. You don’t care. I guess that’s the end of the story.
~LM
I didn’t say it was settled to my satisfaction, just that she made her position clear and there was nothing more I was going to be able to do about it.
LM,
I do care and the phone calls are important to me. If you stopped calling or caring, I would certainly have two very unhappy little boys. They need their Dad, I know that and I have always known that. I answered your email, I wasn’t continuing anything. What I said was that I try my best and sometimes I will fail because things come up that require my immediate attention.
You really need to stop portraying yourself as some sort of victim. I do my best under the circumstances, but you’re just never happy.
~PEW
Like what? What comes up at 8PM, the children’s bedtime, that requires your “immediate attention” that you can’t turn the television off or send them into the dining room or their bedroom to have some quiet discussion with their father? Answer: Nothing.
As with most things involving a psycho-ex - it’s all about power and control.
