The Psycho Ex Wife

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Yesterday, the children had a “special event” with their scout pack (3 different dens) called the “Pinewood Derby.” It’s a miniature version of the soap-box derby and, unless you’re a lazy father (and you buy pre-made cars) or a cheating father (you build the car for your son instead of with your son) - the primary goal is the project. You start with a plain ole’ block of wood that is about 2″ x 2″ x7″ and make a race car out of it within certain specifications (click on the link above for the details).

The video below is not our race, but a nice, short example of what we’re talking about:

Without the appropriate tools to cut the wood readily available, I had the boys create car designs and passed the blocks off to my friend to cut the shapes and do nothing more. He returned them the next day and it was off to work. I showed the kids how to sand the cars - and they sanded all the roughness out of them and rounded the sharp edges. While I did the spray-painting, it was under their “supervision and direction” which was simply hysterical as they put on their man-faces and direct me to ensure that I got the bottom, the front, the back, etc. They were in-charge. Everything else, they did. From shopping for accessories which they chose, not me - to the application of their decal sets (with minimal assistance when the decals were particularly uncooperative), paint color, to the chassis and wheel assemblies - this was their job with my guidance and assistance. Their cars turned out incredibly.

Not atypical of a situation like this, PEW has a knack for setting me up to fail, which is just another reason why parallel parenting is often the only way to go when your PEW has a personality disorder. Two of everything, yep. Scout books, homework books, clothing, jackets, bookbags… the list is endless. However, without such measure, things will not make it back to your home when it’s time for a switch. In this case, it was the kids’ Pinewood Derby “licenses.” (Also this week, their class lists for Valentine’s party was the only thing missing from their bookbags.) She does this to accomplish one of two things. 1 - To prompt me to contact her with/for something. You already know how much the BPD loves contact in any form. 2 - To attempt to sabatoge me to others, without realizing that this hurts the children more than me (for instance, failing to be able to do something for class which isn’t going to embarrass me as much as it will the children). Anyway, they didn’t need the Pinewood Derby licenses to race. They were simply a neat little add-on to the project. I confirmed this with the den leader, but the incessant emails all week to meet her so she could give them to me did occur and were completely ignored. (Also, I had the teachers send me class lists so we could do the Valentine’s cards.)

Saturday came and the boys were jumping out of their skin with excitement. I figure the PEW would be there. My mother was coming to see her grandkids. DW couldn’t make it due to a family emergency requiring her to head out of town Friday night. I know she missed the opportunity to be there with the kids and interacting with them with PEW nearby.

PEW shows up with PP, the ex sister-in-law. PEW gave me the boys’ licenses and I pointed in the direction of the boys standing in line for the pre-race inspection. That was about all I would say to her. They kept their distance from me as they always do anytime we happen to be at the same event. Perfect.

I’ve spoken before about how S1 struggles with sportsmanship and being under control when he loses. Today was no exception. The track was 6 lanes. You can see from the Pinewood Derby description above, there are certain factors which will affect your car’s performance. As long as your car is at or very near the weight requirement and some minor tweaks (unless you’re a parent whose child has to win so you bought him a ringer car and did little work aside from decoration) - it’s generally a crap-shoot. S1’s first heat resulted in a last place run which immediately resulted in a loss of control of his emotions, crying, comments loud enough to be heard by others, “This car sucks. I’m going to lose. I’m such a loser. I’m never gonna win. This sucks. I hate this race. I hate my car.” …and so on.

I keep my cool and lean down in his ear with my “dad-face” on and say, “S1, this isn’t about who wins. This project was about you and S2 and me building incredible cars together, which is what we did. You need to get control of yourself and your tongue because I’m not going to stand here and listen to you bad-mouth the work we did. Your car looks awesome and we worked really hard on it and that is the most important thing here. If you don’t stop crying, I will march your ass right out to the car and we will go home right now. The choice is yours.”

What are PEW and PP doing? Both in that annoyingly high-pitched whining voice, they begin to tell him that it’s “NoooOOOOoo biiiIIIIiiig DeeEEEAAAALllll” but what bothers me is - they’re laughing at him. I mean really laughing, and that disgusts me. I’ve previously told stories about how much her family loves to make sick fun of the children and this is a classic example.

I call S1 back to me and repeat myself to a lesser degree. It’s time to get under control or we’re leaving. So he excuses himself to the bathroom.

In the meantime, S2 has a heat and his car finishes 5th out of 6. He couldn’t have cared less. That’s not to say he didn’t care. He beamed from ear-to-ear seeing his car on “the stage.” Apparently, at least to him, his was the “coolest” and that was a win. “Did you see how cool my car looked?” Yes, son, I sure did.

S1 returns from the bathroom and is back to his normal self. I ask him how he’s doing and he tells me that he is just fine. He needed to go to the bathroom to wash his face because of the way it looked from crying but now he was better. He returned just in time to see another heat… a 3rd-place finish… and another heat… a 1st-place finish… and another heat… a 5th-place finish… and, lucky for me, my explanations about how differently he can finish depending upon the different impacts on his car comes to pass. His face turns to smiles and, not unsurprisingly, he focuses on the 1st-place and 3rd-place finishes and realizes that his car doesn’t “suck.”

S2 has finishes as high as 3rd and was just all pleased with seeing his car perform in front of so many people and hang out with his scout-mates.

I was happy because the boys stayed with me the large majority of the time. The other thing that was sad (for them, great for me) was that PEW and PP didn’t even stay until the end. They left a little more than half-way through and that, I thought, was just pathetic. Just passing through. Of course, I’m biased.

I suppose since neither of the boys’ cars won a trophy, there was no opportunity to grand-stand and credit-steal. There was no opportunity for PEW or Psycho-SIL to garner any recognition so their need to be there was gone.

Last night, I get an email from The Psycho Ex-Wife which is a follow-up to a voice mail my oldest son (9-years old) left me the previous night begging me to watch WWE’s Monday Night Raw.

Now, when I was a youngster, some 25-years ago, my brothers and I were sometimes watchers of the then World Wrestling Federation. The WWF was just coming-of-age then, and the basic premise was classic “good vs. evil” without all of today’s over-the-top storylines, which are far more advanced in age-appropriateness than professional wrestling was when I was a pre-teen and teen. Back then it was Saturday morning fodder. There is a reason why it’s often on at 9:00PM or later and pay-per-view. Today’s WWE is for ADULTS (despite all of the kids you see in the stands at events). Further, while I don’t agree with the low-end of the age group - even WWE’s corporate site specifies that it is “tailored to ages 12-34″ and that nearly 80% of their fans are 18-years of age or older.

I’ve explained to the children why I don’t like it. I’ve explained to the children why they’re too young to be watching the show. I’ve explained to them that the moves are orchestrated, very dangerous, take a lot of athleticism - and that they should never, ever try doing any of those moves ever. I told them stories of kids getting seriously injured and even dying from screwing around trying to emulate the wrestlers’ moves. They know my position without question.
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Hi LM,

~PEW
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I did handle it in my diplomatic way: Kids, you’re not watching WWE. Discussion over.

Keeping in mind that my children are currently ages 6 and 9, allow me to share with you a “highlight” from the USA Network’s website regarding one of the many current storylines…

Mr. McMahon wanted his bastard son Hornswoggle to join the Kiss My Ass Club. When it came time for the little guy to pucker up, though, Finlay interrupted. After much yelling from Mr. McMahon, Hornswoggle finally leaned in … and bit his freshly buffed buttocks.

This is just a drop in the bucket. This isn’t the WWF of days gone by. It’s a “sport” that is rife with illegal drug abuse (primarily steroids and human growth hormones), the foulest language, promotion of excessive alcohol use (Stone Cold Steve Austin, a spouse-batterer would enter the ring and chug beer before matches), over-the-top violence (however fake it may be), objectifying and sexualization of women (the WWE Divas) - just to name a few.

The following are the names of some of the “signature moves” of the characters that my sons “idolize:” The Money Shot. The F-U. The S-T-F-U. The Backstabber. The “Cracker.” The Hollycaust. The Clothesline from Hell. I cringe when I hear them talk about these moves. I’m horrified that they are probably discussing this at school. Yes, I tell them that it’s inappropriate without telling them what some of those acronyms stand for. Yes, they know I don’t like WWE (for their ages) and will not allow them to watch it while they are in our home.

The PEW is insisting that I allow the children to watch this shit every week as she does. This, on a school night, when their bedtime is 8:00PM, a two-hour event which starts at 9:00PM. Mother of the Year.

Now despite everything I’ve written here, what burns me up more is the email. I’ve spoken about Parental Alienation Syndrome before. Now, it isn’t glaring in this email, but it’s barely subtle. I’ll break down some of the specifics.

What is written: This has been a huge upsetment every week when it’s time for them to go to your house.

What is implied: They don’t like that you won’t let them watch it when I do and I do nothing to explain to them the reality that it’s inappropriate for them to watch. I’m the good parent. Dad is the bad parent.

What is written: It would be good for your relationship with them if you could explain…

What is implied: You don’t know how to foster a good relationship with your children. I do. I’m going to tell you how…

What is written: I don’t want them to be upset with you over this, but they keep telling me that they feel it’s unfair and that their upset with you over it.

What is implied: I don’t want them to be upset with you over this, but I’m not going to lift a finger to stop it. I have no concept that it’s past their bedtime and that it’s inappropriate programming for children. However, that makes me the cool parent. You’re the bad parent. Pretty much whatever they demand, I will give them. It keeps me from ever being the bad parent.

What is written: And I always say “This is WHY DAD does not want you watching this”.

What is implied: Do I really need to explain this one to you readers? The all-caps isn’t by me, the emphasis is hers. Dad = bad. Mom = good.

What is written: I don’t want them to resent you over something that you could easily handle in your diplomatic way.

What is implied: Watching it is appropriate because I said so. You should do what I say because I have no control over their being mad at you because you won’t let them watch this crap.
—————
Unfortunately, from experience, nothing I could say in reply to this email is going to make a damn bit of difference. It’s the unfortunate byproduct of parallel parenting with a borderline. I simply cannot control what she does as a parent when they are in her “care.” I assure you, I’ve tried. It doesn’t matter. It only serves to escalate into a war, many of which you’ve already read here.

The big irony here is that she opens her email claiming to “respect” my position regarding the children watching this show and then proceeds to do everything in her email power to bend to the children’s desires. Worse - she
does nothing to reinforce the position I have on the issue with the children of which, the children are well-aware.

She truly lives in abject fear that if her children are upset in any way at her - she will lose them to me. It’s why they get toys every single time they go shopping for anything. It’s why she allows them to watch this kind of tripe despite the fact that it is completely inappropriate for children their age. She even trots out the sad “everyone else’s kid is watching it” as justification. It’s why they are confused by the normal parenting that takes place when they are with me 50% of the time, and the “Disney parenting” takes place when they are with her 50% of the time. Even when they have had disciplinary issues at school - she sloughs it off suggesting that someone at the school take care of it. I tell the school I will continue to address those issues at home.

It’s why they appreciate nothing that they receive. If they don’t get everything that they wanted at Christmas - they express displeasure for the things that they didn’t get, not appreciation for the things that they did get. Of course, mom rushes right out to satiate their every whim in the aftermath of their complaints.

It’s why they don’t often like the regular foods that I prepare for them for dinner. They get the easy, fast, junkie garbage that mom feeds them nearly every single night.

It’s why she would historically call me anytime there was some trouble to perform what I call “phone discipline” until I put a stop to that. I walked right into that “dad = bad, mom = good” set-up a few times before I wised up.

Rather than work in the same way that most normal parents do, she will almost always take the path of least resistance. Give them everything that they want to avoid upset because if they are upset, she must not be parenting properly.

I pray that when they come home and say, “well, everyone at school is doing drugs!” that she doesn’t encourage that, too.

~LM
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DW’S COMMENTARY:

Other than what LM said, here is what stands out to me. PEW cannot fathom having her children mad at her. She certainly can’t imagine that LM would be okay with his children being mad that he won’t let them watch a TV program. What the hell is she going to do when one of them comes home and wants to do drugs or drive while drinking? I know it seems like a stretch to normal people, but understand that this is the woman who does nothing when her son punches, chokes, spits on other kids at school. She doesn’t know what to do when there is a problem, and so she either gives in or ignores it. Sadly, it’s obvious that she believes all other parents should do the same, mostly because it’s causing problems for her at home. If LM gives in, then she won’t have to hear about it and have to solve a problem, which she clearly doesn’t know how to do, and so it’s going in a big circle.

Let’s just hope the circle chokes her at some point.

Click here for the follow-up.

Updating the readership…

This morning, I received an early text message from The Psycho Ex-Wife:

PEW: The hearing has been cancelled.

Of course, I don’t reply. This was soon followed by a second text message:

PEW: Don’t make me regret it.

Of course, I didn’t reply. This was soon followed by an email:

PEW: All I’m asking for is some sense of decency between us. I cancelled today because I can’t do this anymore with you. Do what’s best for the boys, that’s all. Whether you want to believe it or not, keeping them for three weeks in a row, as not a good thing for them.

Of course, I didn’t reply.

A sense of decency, she writes. I suppose I was “indecent” because I had custody of the children for three straight weeks, nevermind that it was the result of her being found guilty of contempt-of-court for custodial interference, effectively “stealing” from my holidays with the children last year. This would have been the sixth contempt petition in 2-years from her. All of them have been dismissed. As glad as I am to avoid having to go back to court, I was prepared to pull out all the stops in an effort to get Judge Contempt to impose some serious sanctions against her for this petition and for any furture, unsupportable petitions. Alas, no continuation, she withdrew the petition.

My assumptions regarding why she did this are as follows:

- She thought I would be working from the home office this week, which would have saw me have to drive several hours the night before to attend court. Without such inconvenience to me, it lost it’s effect.

- Had I needed to bail-out on what is the single biggest project at work for which I’m responsible may have put my job in jeopardy. That would have put her bi-weekly stipend at risk.

- (Less likely) She feared getting bonked on the head with a gavel as the JC is really fed up with her antics and seeing us in court so often we were going to be given reserved seating with our names engraved on the chairs. She had no case. The court order was clear.

Onward until the next meltdown…

I’m sure you are all wondering what is happening with PEW’s latest (false) contempt petition filing, because of course you have nothing else to do. As you may recall, LM got a continuance until January 24th for the original hearing that was scheduled for December 26th. I bet you just realized that that is tomorrow!

Of course we heard from PEW, after she realized that um, yet again, she was dead wrong, that she was going to be the “better” person and withdraw the petition. Of course, she never did, later saying she was keeping the court date since she hadn’t seen “any remorse” from LM. As if.

As it turned out, LM had a very important business event scheduled for Jan 24th, and seeing as how he had been unemployed for 9 months when his previous employer moved across the country, we thought it would be prudent for him to try to KEEP his job. Of course, PEW told the court she wasn’t willing to continue the hearing, surprise! So, yesterday LM was greeted with an e-mail from PEW with an attachment she had just faxed to the court:

“Due to some health issues I am having that need my immediate attention, I intend to withdraw my petition for contempt filed 12/12/07.

I know LM requested a continuance last week, which I subsequently requested that the court deny, but that was before I found out that I needed to tend to this health issue.”

Now, first of all, no way we believe something is actually wrong with her health, though we mightily wish some evil disease would befall her. (Hey, this is the woman who referred to LM as scarface after he had cancer removed under his eye two years ago. She’s a peach.) What we do believe is that she is trying to get out of the hearing with what little self respect she has left, and of course she is DYING for LM to ask what is wrong. As if. I mean, if she is sooo right and he is in contempt, why not just approve the continuance LM requested so she can deal with it after whatever health issue she is having (I’m praying for Locked-in syndrome) is treated? The answer, she’s psycho.

So, the rest of the letter went on to say that she was unable to actually get to the courthouse to file the withdrawal, cuz she’s so *cough*cough* sick, and while I’m not an attorney, I’m pretty sure that means it’s not withdrawn and the conference is still on. We’ll see what happens.

I have to get something off my chest. Maybe it’s not even anything I have to worry about, but it’s bugging me. It may seem like we are taking sides on this blog. It may seem we believe all mother’s are psycho. While I’m sure I have my moments, ahem, I do believe that most mothers are sane. While they may mess up from time to time during a divorce, for the most part mothers do believe their children’s father is an important person. I am no different. I am not anti-mother. What I am, is pro-parent. That means both parents.

I believe the default custody agreement in divorce should be 50/50 unless there is a preponderence of evidence that shows one parent is mentally unstable and incapable of raising children physically, mentally AND emotionally. The only other exception would be if it were logistically not possible. In our case we have this evidence, but custody evaluators are not interested in reading it all. During our last evaluation the counselor simply said, “No, I didn’t read any of it, it was too much.” For that, she was paid several thousand dollars - to not do her job. Then she was paid again, to testify in court that she didn’t do her job. That is what is wrong with the court system. People get paid while having to take zero responsibility for their actions. Court-appointed evaluators in our county aren’t even legally required to testify! Yes, you pay for an evaluation and sign a release indicating that you accept and understand that you are not permitted to call the evaluator to court to testify as to how they reached their conclusion! They can write whatever they want and never have to answer to anyone. It’s sick and should be illegal. No person should have such unchallengeable power to make a life-affecting decision about a family without having to legally justify their opinion under oath.

So what is the answer? I like the idea that all cases would be presented without mentioning gender or financials, however I don’t believe that is possible. I also don’t believe a counselor interviewing you for 3-hours and seeing how you interact with your children for less than 10-minutes can make a decision, either. We all know judges will never take the time to learn for themselves, they very often don’t have the time. So honestly, I don’t know the answer.

What I wish would happen is each child would spend a month with each parent while everything is being recorded. Everything. There are videotapes running all day long everywhere. Neighbors and teachers should also be interviewed. I can almost guarantee that if there is a mental issue, parental alienation, or other important issues, it would show itself during that month. The evaluator would REALLY be able to see how the kids interact with each parent in a real setting, not an office. Each parent should have to take a psychological exam, with different psychologists, that way there is no bias on the scoring because the psychologist has been influenced by one of the parents. Any therapist that has seen the parents as clients should HAVE to testify, nothing should be able to be hidden. Each evaluator should have to legally tell you the percentage of clients (by gender) they have ruled in favor of before you commit to using them.

Lastly, there should be severe consequences for any parent withholding custody time, in line with the consequences for not paying child support. Until then, the custodial parent holds all the power.