The Psycho Ex Wife

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Continued from Parenting Issues Part I

Over the years, discussions, emails, and instant-message fight-fests begin to take a massive toll on your psyche. With borderline personality disorder, things can be fine one moment and then come completely unhinged the next. I found myself, at times, questioning my own sanity. However, judging by the interactions I had with those others in my life - I knew I wasn’t off my rocker. Most of what you’ve read so far has come after I had a understanding of what I was dealing with. I’ll start showing you stuff that long preceded that understanding.

The reply came about an hour later and it was as expected - full of venom, projection, complete lack of acknowledgement for what she does do (or doesn’t do) and it’s impact on the children. Due to it’s length and the number of issues, I’m combining her reply with my follow-up to it, broken up into the items needing to be addressed (as it was in the email reply). She listed 10 items… all of her parts were the contents of one email, all of my comments are from my reply to hers:

(Email follow-ups, 1/26/06)

PEW: Well this is interesting LM. This email shows the total lack of respect that you have always had for me.

LM: Hardly. Pointing out how your words and your actions never seem to match is not being disrespectful, it’s being truthful. And get over your respect issue, this is about the kids, not you. Respect is earned, and when you begin to treat me and your own children with respect, you will get it back.

PM: #1 The boys are almost always in bed by 8:30-8:45 and asleep by 9. Despite whatever you think you know. Occassionally I let them stay up later, but that is the exception not the rule.

LM: Then I suppose the 3 times that I called at 9PM or later this month alone and they were awake (one time S6 was asleep) was merely a strange coincidence? You’re a liar.

PEW: #2 They do not watch inappropriate shows. We watch the Discovery Channel, Animal Planet (mostly) and Nick. That’s basically it.

LM: If you say so. I know that they watch those, was simply suggesting that if there are others, you should consider reviewing them. And it’s really not what they are watching, it’s the amount of time they watch TV. Studies suggest less than 2 hours of TV a WEEK. You let them watch over 2 hours nearly every day. They are not learning how to interact with other people, including you. And the fact that you have them in NO other activities, diminishes their social skills even further. It’s no wonder every time S9 gets a chance to interact on his own with other kids he gets frustrated and potentially violent, he doesn’t know how to handle it.

PEW: #3 The computer games I am allowing him to play are educational and the others foster good hand eye coordination. I do not let him play for hours on end. I know you like to believe this, but it’s simply not true.

LM: When I call, he is typically watching TV or playing on the computer including during homework and dinner when you should be carrying on a conversation with them, not to mention the times they actually sit and watch you play games on the computer, something you could be doing while they are in bed. I’m fairly certain that the combination of the two that you do are in the neighborhood of several hours. It’s really great that you’re fostering good hand-eye coordination when what S9 so clearly needs at this point is more time learning how to interact appropriately with others, like sports that will really help his hand eye coordination plus his social skills. My suggestions simply offered ways for him to not be so stimulated on his own and actually move towards continuing to teach him how to play nicely with others, be that you, S6, or both.

PEW: #4 Did you realize that S9’s lowest test score this year was a 96? Please don’t tell me I need to do anything differently with regard to reading, writing, math or otherwise. I am doing an excellent job with the kids acedemically. Don’t need your help there.

LM: I know you like to take all the credit for stuff that is going well and divert all of the blame for the things that aren’t going well and this is a prime example. Whether or not you need my help is immaterial… I offered suggestions and will continue to do what I can when I can. But recognize this - it’s childish of you to accept no responsibility for the things that go wrong and all of the responsibility for the things that go right. This is typical of you and this particular situation is another in a long line of examples.

PEW: #5 I made an appt for Dr. M——- I told you that yesterday. When we go to court, I am going to try to get it written in the court order that you stop your phone calls to the teachers, counselors, etc….because it only muddies the waters for the kids and what is on THEIR minds. I have a great relationship with Dr. M——-, he was recommended by a psychologist that I work with and he knows me very well. We have great communication…thanks.

LM: Yes, I would love for you to go to court and do that. It will only serve to show exactly what I’ve been saying all along - that you go out of your way to undermine my relationship with the children and also go out of your way to disrupt communication with the people that are involved in our children’s lives - especially teachers and counselors. Maybe you can show your attorney the order which specifically states that if you do anything to disrupt said communication, contact, and availability - you are in contempt. Dust off the order and read it.

PEW: #6 I keep a very close eye on the kids when they play with all other children including J. Neighborkid. S9 told J. Neighborkid he doesn’t like his video games, so now they don’t play his games anymore, they only play S9’s games which are Shreck, Shark Tales and Sponge Bob on Game Cube. But feel free to go knock on my neighbor’s door next time you’re in town….they already know you’re a nutcase.

LM: Sure you do. I suppose you were Johnny-on-the-spot when S6 was pushed nearly in front of a car because of J’s aggressive behavior. I won’t get into some of the other issues I’ve been told about… but stop pretending like everyone is an angel under your watch. But hey, if all of the violent video games and gunplay that your neighbor’s kid engages in is okay with you, there is nothing I can do about it. Besides, you will always have me to blame, right?

PEW: #7 I had someone at my house last night fixing some plumbing. You could have discussed your plan with me prior to your browbeating the child like you used to do to me for an hour. No wonder he’s having problems. He’s 7 and you have him on the phone beating his ear for an hour about something that I already handled. I did NOT tell him I was going to ask you for consequences. I told him if he continued to complain about the consequences I gave him, I was going to ask you to give him MORE consequences while he is in [your home state]. That’s what I said. The fact is, you needed to communicate to me what he was “freaking out” about, but you refused. He went upstairs, shut himself in his room. I was getting my plumbing fixed and at that moment I could only do one thing and it wasn’t going to be deal with your bullshit. I didn’t hang up on you in front of the children. S9 was in his room and S6 was playing with the little boy next door in the kitchen. Please don’t tell me I put you in the position of being the “bad guy” and me the “good guy”. It is the total opposite. If you had them full time, I’d be the good guy and you the bad guy, believe me. I have to dicipline them every single day…..you 4 days per month.

LM: Spare me. While stating that you don’t set yourself up as the good guy and me the bad guy you proceed to describe doing just that. Use dad as a “threat.” Thanks for acknowledging that while attempting not to acknowledge that. As for your overuse of the word “browbeat” - it certainly was not that. As for your contention that I wouldn’t tell you what he was freaking out about, I specifically told you that we were talking about his actions and consequences and twice asked you to join me on the line to hear exactly what the discussion was and was met with you being belligerent and hanging up on me (repeatedly).

PEW: #8 I have never “bullrushed” the children. I have chased them up the steps, when they tell me they are not taking a time out.

LM: It’s called “bullrushing” - thanks again for acknowledging what I’ve said while trying not to acknowledge it.

PEW: I have raised my voice, but I will tell you that I can count on ONE hand the amount of times I have physically diciplined them, so you seriously need to cease your accusations of emotional and physical abuse. They aren’t afraid of me, they tell me everything and they tell me off when they feel like they need to. If they were afraid of me, why is the answer “Daddy is much scarier than you” when I ask them why they behave so well at your house?? They say you yell louder than me too. Is that a lie? I don’t yell at the children. I don’t physically discipline them.

LM: Parents who physically discipline their children do so because they lose control and can’t speak appropriately. Physically disciplining them only shows them that when they are angry it’s okay to hit someone, great job there PEW, and you wonder why S9 is having problems keeping his hands off kids that don’t do what he wants. They’ve been admonished firmly without yelling or screaming. I don’t do to them what I’ve personally heard you do to them while simply on the phone with one or the other. I’ve heard about smacks in the mouth. I’ve heard about smacks in the head. But you can continue to tell S9 that things he says happened never happened and that he is a liar. That’s good for him, too.

PEW: #9 I spoke to my lawyer about your cockamamy plan of moving to [here] 2 weeks per month and here is where I stand. Re-establish yourself in [here], then come talk to me. I’m not signing anything on your say so. You can’t be trusted. You’re practically certifyable, why would I agree to give you 50% custody. The kids need stability and you’re as far from stable as it gets.

LM: I didn’t say when or how long I would be moving to [there]. I simply said that, if, as you have repeatedly claimed, and I have in multiple writings that if I move back to [there] you would give me 50/50 custody - would you agree to do so… and as expected, you hedged on the basis of finances, reversing course (as usual) because you didn’t think it was a realistic possibility. My guess is you fear having to back up your words… words you gave to evaluators, lawyers, and such… something you didn’t expect was going to happen anytime soon. It was pretty easy to say you would give me 50/50 when you didn’t think there was a possibility of it happening, as usual it made you look like the “good guy” to the counselors. But as I, and you, know, it’s not the truth and you proved it yet again. I called your bluff and you showed your true hand, now we’ll let the courts see it. I guess that’s another bridge we’ll have to cross when we get there, but I’ll be sure to save this email when you’re crying about how *I* cause you to incur legal bills when my suggestion would have done just the opposite… again.

PEW: #10 We will never be able to co-parent together as long as you have a total lack of respect for me. I did want you to talk to S9 last night……talk, not browbeat. But that’s your specialty, so I shoulda known better. That’s why I have the kids full time and not you. I am the better parent. Sorry but thems the facts…..There are plnty of proffessionals to back me up.

LM: We will never be able to co-parent together because you don’t know how. You’re a user and a manipulator and always will be. I have professionals that will back me up as well… at least those who have seen your words and/or actions firsthand.

PEW: By the way, I never asked for your input. I was merely letting you know what was going on with our son. Nor did I ask for you assistance. But thanks anyway.

LM: Actually, you did, but even if it weren’t true, it doesn’t preclude me from addressing issues with my sons in a meaningful way, at least until you sabotaged the effort and attacked me instead of getting on the phone like I asked and assisting in showing S9 that we were on the same page where the problems are concerned.

That was really productive, wasn’t it?

Every once in a while, you have to give that “state of reality” speech, despite the knowing that it will never work. Between the obvious parental alienation going on (dad is so gonna punish you when he calls, acting out towards me in front of the children, cursing me in front of the children, etc.), the projection, the rage - you feel hopeless. All told - this will be my 13th year dealing with this child in a grown-up’s body. For DW, she’s entering her 4th year as a volunteer in this war. All we do is try to mitigate the impact her behavior has on my children (and hers, too, despite there being no contact). Oh, you’ll see…

This post is one of many examples dating back to the birth of our first child which demonstrate the polar opposite approaches we have regarding parenting the children. Since a person with BPD or suspected of having BPD suffers from developmental issues that stifle the emotional maturation at about 10-years old (give or take a few years) - it’s unreasonable to expect that a 10-year old would know how to handle, parent, and raise children appropriately beyond some very basic needs like food, water, shelter, and clothing.

Before I really started to heed the advice of so many others dealing with similar situations involving a spouse or ex-spouse with a personality disorder and stopped engaging and getting into long email exchanges to debate a spouse incapable of understanding and accepting reality - I would do things like what will soon follow. Of course, after 10-years of this bullshit, I entered into such exercises with a realistic expectation that I was wasting my time. This email followed another phone call where, in exasperation, she tells me that she “can’t handle the kids.” Every once in a while you simply have to try to give that dose of reality.

(LM email 1/25/2006, 12:43PM)

The following are some thoughts and suggestions regarding the behavior of both S9 and S6 for which you asked my input. These are important given the ongoing circumstances, particularly where S9 is concerned.

Bedtime - It is my belief that the boys are kept up entirely too late for their age. I would suggest that their bedtime consistently be 8PM, 8:30PM at the latest (in bed). A lack of sleep contributes pretty significantly to the potential irritability of the boys. Surely you remember how cranky that they could be even at their earliest ages and that doesn’t really change so much at 4 and 7. When they’re tired, they’re cranky, and certainly more easily “set-off” when they are not well-rested. For them to be up as late as 9PM (and beyond in several cases) is not doing them any good. A lack of appropriate rest may well contribute to the frequency of their illnesses, too.

TV - It is my belief that the boys spend too much time watching television, and while I’m not exactly sure what shows that they are watching, I know that many of the cartoons that are available to them after 8PM are geared more towards children of older ages and probably contain a little more violence than S9 should be watching right now given his propensity towards physical confrontations both at home and at school. Further, it does nothing to aid the children in finding ways to interact meaningfully with one another, which, if cultivated, would help in their interaction with others at school.

Computer - It is my belief that S9 spends too much time on the computer playing games, which again fails to foster meaningful interaction with others. In fact, I found it quite disturbing that S9 acted rather demonstrative and belligerent towards you with regard to what he expected you to do and not do with regard to the Fish Tycoon game when I last came to pick them up. You did nothing. I would suggest that you spend more time with them playing interactive games like board games and such, which would certainly aid in continuing to reinforce the good sportsmanship and learning how to play well with others that I have been working so hard to teach him. Clearly, from the episodes that have taken place, S9 has not learned what is appropriate game play given that his most recent choice was to play a “game” with someone who wasn’t interested in playing, probably due entirely to the fact that the game S9 conceived of involved taking away something from J—– against her wishes. Too much computer and tv time will not aid in this development.

Books - S9 can read and does so well. You should consider both reading with him (which I am certain you already do to some degree), but also, replace some TV and computer time with easy books that he can read by himself and then when he is finished, have him tell you what the book was about and give you some highlights and stuff. It will continue to help improve not only his reading skills, but his comprehension and memory and will serve to help him with interacting with you in more positive ways instead of being hyper about when it’s his turn on the computer or what show or movie he can watch next.

Dr. M—– – Despite your contention that the boys are more unruly when they see Dr. M—–, evidence points to the contrary. His last visit being just before Christmas means he went nearly a month without incident. 3 incidents in a span of 3 weeks seems to indicate to me that S9 is missing the productive outlet that Dr. M—– provides when he has regular visits and 2 months don’t pass between them. If you haven’t already, I would be sure that Dr. M—– knows in advance of the situations and that he needs to try to aid S9 in understanding his behavior and work with communicating alternatives to being physical with others when faced with a stressful situation. I will be contacting Dr. —– prior to their next visit to discuss my concerns in this regard.

J. Neighborkid - Based on your say-so, he is apparently a really nice kid. Based on what very little I know about J. Neighborkid - he plays lots of violent video games and much of his gameplay involves guns and violence. Perhaps you should keep a closer eye on the types of games that these boys play together and more closely monitor their interaction. I know you claim that S9 and/or S6 don’t stay over there when he is playing those video games. I only hope that you are being truthful in that regard. I’m concerned for S9, S6, AND J. Neighborkid regarding the types of video games he is allowed to play at such a young age. And you still haven’t gotten back to me on the titles of those video games. You’re over there enough to know what they are, but I’m guessing you persist in failing to disclose the titles knowing that they are probably not remotely age-appropriate.

Now, while you continue to speak of S9’s ability to allegedly manipulate me without support (only that he may lie to me), you continue to demonstrate just how well he is able to do this to you. I understand that there are times when S9 is not entirely truthful. He has certain “ticks” that tend to tip me off to when he is not being forthright and ultimately, I like to believe that I get to the truth in the overwhelming majority of cases. He knows how I feel about lying. Now, last night was a prime example of what I have repeatedly told you about. We were having a calm discussion about how future instances such as this should be handled. He didn’t like the prospect of having to understand that I would suggest an increasing scale of recess-detention because missing one recess for abusive behavior didn’t seem to be working. I asked him what he thought about the possibility of losing 1 recess for each incident that occurred and gave him the for-instance of losing 5 recesses since this was his 5th incident and if there were a 6th, 7th, or more incidents, he would lose the same number of recesses. That’s when he lost control, started screaming and yelling and got off the phone.

What did you do?

You didn’t calm him down and tell him to act appropriately and continue the discussion – a discussion that you wanted me to have with him. You didn’t respond positively to my suggestion that you get on the line and we discuss the future consequences together so that he knows we are a unified front and have the same concerns about his behavior. You got belligerent with me demanding to know all of the details of our conversation. You didn’t ask him to get back on the phone as I had repeatedly and calmly asked you to do. You did exactly what he knew you would do. You badmouthed me. You repeatedly hung up the phone on me in front of the children. And, as always, rather than focus on the children, you used the situation to further undermine my relationship with the children, not only then, but by telling S9 before I had even called that I was going to tell him what his punishment was. You did this without consulting me first. You do this rather consistently and it’s all in a premeditated effort to put me in the position of “bad guy” and you in the position of “good guy.”

S9 and S6 will never listen to you if you insist that I create limits that you then never enforce. As their mother and primary caregiver, you are responsible for setting the limits and ENFORCING them, not handing them over to me. And when they break the limits, whether at school or at your home, I’m not responsible just because I’m not the primary caregiver. You need to start taking responsibility for their actions and your own actions, or they will never take responsibility for what they do. They will find someone to blame just like you do with me. In our home the boys are responsible for their own behavior and I’m responsible for teaching them appropriate behavior. I don’t call you and blame you when they misbehave here. I don’t need to call you to dish out consequences for their behavior. My desire is to have primary custody and deal with these issues more consistently and appropriately. Any time you want the roles to be reversed - instead of complaining that I don’t do primary caregiver work and pretend to believe that I don’t want that - you put it down on paper and let’s do it. Don’t pacify yourself by claiming that I don’t want the kids 24/7 - the fact is - I do.

Your behavior last night reinforced the very behavior in S9 that has you allegedly concerned. When S6 sees how you act with me on the phone, he acts the same way. No wonder he so often gets on the phone, is very short and gets off the phone – he sees how you act and acts accordingly. So it seems that you want me to solve your problems rather than working together to assist in getting S9 (and S6) to understand actions and to behave better in the future to avoid the ongoing situations that have occurred both at school and at home as you have reported.

Your actions are a template for the children. The way you act when stressed and angry is the way they will continue to act. I hear it on the phone when I call. I hear you go from zero-to-freakout when one or the other is doing something that you don’t want them to do. I hear you scream at them and get angry and threaten S6 to get on the phone with me when he is resistant – and you wonder why he doesn’t like to talk to me. And if you wish to lie about this contention, I suggest you allow me to record conversations again so we can see who is lying. I hear their reports of how you treat them when they do something that gets them in trouble. It’s not like they say “I don’t do anything wrong and mom just freaks out for no reason.” They tell me that they’ve gotten in trouble. They tell me that you hit them and threaten them with bodily harm. They tell me that you bull-rush them, chasing them to their room when they don’t go immediately upon order and, in both S9’s and S6’s words “she scares us so bad that we run to our room and shut the door.” Could some of that be fabricated or embellished? I’m sure that there is a chance that some of it may be. However, when the stories are so frequent and detailed, it’s hard to imagine that it’s all a figment of their imagination.

In your mind, it’s an easy out to blame me. But know this – the reality is that their behavior is learned and it’s learned from you. It’s learned from your family. I can’t fix that unless you’re willing to recognize that and work with me – something that I have become increasingly hopeless that you will ever do since the children are your last weapon against me. I’ve experienced nothing sadder in my life than what I have witnessed you do with these boys and I pray that someday you will wake up and change your ways before it is too late.

It’s scary that you have this ongoing alleged offer of 50/50 custody if I just come back to [her state] because you realize that these boys need me more and you need more help. You tell everyone that. You told G—- that. You told A—— that. Now that I am trying to pursue just such an opportunity that would allow that to take place and you refuse because of the impact on your finances? Demand that I pay your outstanding legal bills in exchange for 50/50 custody? Tell me that you can’t because the change in support would force you to have to change your lifestyle? If it wasn’t so sad it would make me laugh that you say one thing in the face of evaluators and attorneys and anyone who would believe your obvious lies – tell one story when it’s convenient for your agenda - and now faced with the realistic possibility that I may be able to find and get back to [her state], you refuse and will fight a joint-custody agreement. As always, it has been about the money for only one person in this relationship – YOU. Your actions, your words, and your lies have always supported that fact. During that entire discussion, there was never a mention of the positive impact a 50/50 arrangement would have on the lives of S9 and S6. Those same postive impacts that you stressed to the counselors, evaluators, and everyone else. All you spoke to was how your finances would be impacted. Sad.

So, you asked for my assistance, there it is. What you do with it is entirely up to you.

~LM

I sat and braced for the pending storm… knowing that this monumental asshole was going to go off. I couldn’t help it. Unless you’ve experienced it, you can’t begin to imagine how helpless you are as a parent when you’re dealing with a Psycho Ex-Wife with little or no capacity to grasp her own parental inadequacies.

Make no mistake about this - I do not consider myself a perfect parent by any stretch of the imagination. However, I do love the interaction I have with them. I love to teach the children “stuff” and get as excited about seeing them being excited about having learned something as a child on Christmas morning. I love seeing them interact with others in a positive way. I love seeing them learn from their mistakes. I love it all or, most of it.

The problem I have with PEW is, oftentimes, the children demonstrate more friggin’ common-sense and understanding than the one of the persons primarily responsible for their upbringing - their own mother. The bigger issue is, they spend so much time with her and her family of dysfunctional fucktards that I have a hard time believing that they will not grow up with some sort of “interpersonal relationship” problems, if not worse.

To be continued… Link to Parenting Issues Part II

After deciding to go low contact with PEW we have a good time writing replies that are never sent in the aftermath of whatever delusion she is currently embroiled within. This is the reply that was never sent after the dentist debacle of 2007.

The State Of Reality Address, 04/2007

After your latest delusional diatribe, it’s time for me to give you a stark reminder of reality, one which you are incapable of understanding or accepting, but one that you should be made to read about every once in a while.

With regard to the dentist issue, all you ever had to do in the last 2 years was let me know that you were unwilling or otherwise incapable of making sure that their teeth were examined and cleaned. I could definitely have taken them to the dentist during what should have been at least one of their 6-month visits, but since you have dedicated all of your communication to the usual and customary abuse and denigration, you’ve conveniently let their dental hygiene fall by the wayside. Yes, I can take them to the dentist this Summer, but the school required that this be handled this past year, not in the Summer. Blame me, you always do, but the reality is - you didn’t do anything to make sure that their teeth were taken care of, including simply letting me know at ANY time during the last 2 years that they needed exams/cleanings. You fought so hard for primary custody and can’t seem to make sure that they go to the dentist regularly. I guess when their teeth start to rot - that’ll be my fault, too. Way to hone your victimhood skills, PEW.

As for school, yes, I know how well he is doing and how well he is reading. As always, I encourage his schoolwork and contribute more than you’ll ever care to know. I read with him. I encourage him to try different kinds of books (including now reading stuff that is even higher than his current rating) and he is doing extremely well with it. It’s amazing the types of things he is willing to do when he is not planted in front of a tv, playing computer games, videogames, or his gameboy.

Your assertions regarding my alleged “criticism and control” are not only false where the kids are concerned, but have always been false and/or greatly exaggerated throughout our existence in each others’ lives so that you always have a horrifying story to tell all of those who unquestioningly support you. The only real shame is that they won’t see all of the evidence that I have who shows who the most controlling, abusive, and manipulative person was and continues to be in this “relationship.” It goes without saying that they would be shocked, concerned, but most of all, saddened by the efforts you’ve put in to hide the real you from them, at least with respect to your (ex)husband and your children.

As usual, you take full credit for all of the good they do and none of the credit for anything that goes wrong. They are doing so well because of their teachers… teachers who work very hard despite your efforts (or lack thereof), particularly in the arena of developing their interpersonal relationship skills and making sure that they get to bed at a decent hour so that they are not so habitually tired and lethargic in class - the chief complaint of both of their teachers and the ONLY significant complaint (as Ms. R told me) regarding S9. I can’t imagine how well they would be doing if they got to bed at a reasonable hour regularly and their television, videogame, and movie time were curtailed in exchange for time spent doing something more meaningful. When the children are with DW and I, they engage in fun activities, activities where they get a decent amount of exercise, and educational activities, such as reading, crafting, or simply playing games where they actually have to interact with other human beings.

I can take an awful lot of credit for how great the children are because we make a great effort to make their lives as normal and meaningful as possible with the time they have with us. We are severely limited in that you’ve spared little effort to minimize the time that I have with the children. Despite your efforts, I still have them fully 1/3 of every year, and though disjointed in nature, do the very best to make the time we do get together as meaningful as possible. Since you and I have an equal number of weekends, and the majority of the 15 or so hours that you actually have with them during the week is spent in front of a television or on the computer, I’m pretty confident that the actual meaningful interaction with the children is at least even.

As for the money issue and what I buy, you really need to figure out a way to understand the reality of the situation. When I did have my job, my take-home pay was about $36K/year. After taxes, I am required to give you nearly $14K… tax-free. That leaves me with $22K with which to take care of all of my bills and support the children when I have them 1/3 of the time. You, on the otherhand, after receiving that amount from me, top out with a TAKE-HOME pay figure of somewhere between $35K and $40K. How you have been unable to manage the take-home pay of a junior executive escapes me, but the only person responsible for that is you. Though the alleged “figure” is about 60% responsibility financially, the reality is that I pay for much more than 60% of their actual needs annually. However, even taking 60% as the baseline, that means *I* pay for 60% of their food, clothes, shoes, toys, games, housing, medicine, doctors, school, childcare, gifts, parties, events, movies, “and everything else” as you put it when they are with you. The fact that you don’t recognize nor acknowledge that reality is not unusual for you and your perpetual victim position. Now, when you factor in that you paid NOTHING towards their childcare when they were with me (in 2005), you lied to the court when you offered overinflated childcare costs when you took them out of agreed upon childcare, placing them with friends and pocketing the difference, the amount of money you received from me in 2005 and 2006, tax-free, exceeds $30,000. That you haven’t set aside a decent portion of that money for a 403b or some other education fund for them is a crime. If you can’t manage to live appropriately on that amount of money, the laughable contention that you will be able to do it with “nothing” as you position yourself for martydom is just not a realistic expectation. Even if I were paying you nothing right now, I would still be in the red.

So, while you enjoy the luxury of having somewhere in the neighborhood of $35K - $40K after taxes and deductions ($15K/year of which I am required to give to you)… I have a mere $22K out of which I have to pay 100% of everything when they are in my care for between 100 and 150 days per year. You truly contribute NOTHING to their care when they are with me while I have been contributing in excess of $14,000 per year to their care when they are with you between 200 and 250 days per year.

I don’t know how you’ve managed to get it in your head that I have this stash of money, but the reality is that I have nothing. I actually have less than nothing. I expect to have nothing for the foreseeable future. When you combine the fact that even when I had a job paying $55K/year, given that I only had approximately $22K to pay for all of my responsibilities, for myself, the children, and everything else, I have no capacity to save for their future, let alone my own. Not for their educations. Nothing. Combine that with your history of irresponsible money management and the kids will continue to have nothing available for them which parents normally try so hard with regard to their children.

This is only compounded further by the unfortunate and unexpected situation with “my old employer”. Unemployment is the equivalent of $1,400/month and I only have 26-weeks of benefits available to me to pay for all of my responsibilities. Out of that, I pay you $200/month, leaving me $1,200 to pay for ALL of my responsibiliies each month, including the children
100% as you contribute NOTHING when they are with me. Given my housing contributions is supposed to be $1,000/month, you do the math. Given that, for now, I have to pay $750/month OOP just for the health insurance, you do the math. Not that you give a crap about any of this, but it was a struggle to pay for my responsibilities when I had a good-paying job. The fact that you would selfishly complain given the state of current circumstances only proves that your ability to project is limitless.

It’s frankly unconscionable that in the face of what is a very, very serious situation for all of us, all you can do is think about yourself, continue with your uncanny ability to verbally and psychologically abuse others, and not face the reality that is that everybody loses and mostly because of your inability to do little beyond creating chaos out of every single little situation that comes up, and in many cases, create chaos out of your own fiction. You have only ever had to do a minimum to ensure good, ongoing communication in this situation, but your selfishness, consistent inability to follow court orders and agreements continues us on this path of self-destruction and for that I am sad for everybody.

Finally, when the children grow up and have questions, there is little doubt in my mind that, if and when they are presented with the evidence of abuse, lies, and misconduct with regard to attempting to do right by them in the aftermath of the divorce that you so strongly desired, pursued, and ultimately received - that they will, without question, recognize that the true monster in all of this has been you. They will see how hard you worked and how much of their future you spent trying to separate me as much as possible from their lives. They will see how much of their future I had to spend defending myself and ensuring that you complied with even the simplest of requirements placed before us.

Worse than that, I don’t think you actually have the ability to change so that peace may take hold in this situation. All I have ever wanted was to move ahead with my life without all of the bullshit. Unfortunately, between your actions, your regularly horrible emails, and your ongoing refusal to comply with orders/agreements means that this type of relationship with you will never end and I assure you it’s ONLY because you can’t live any other way. The evidence speaks for itself.

This is the current state of reality, PEW.

~LM

I have to offer a little more groundwork for you readers. Up to this point, I had an attorney and had spent damn near every dollar to my name fighting for my kids only to not get them. I had them about 1/3 of the year for my investment. It was the best I could do and I relish every moment of it. She has done very well for me despite significant odds against us.

By the time the contempt hearing rolled around March 30th, 2007, my funds were exhausted. Complicating matters, in January of 2007, my workplace relocated across the country and I was out of a job. However, given that we were averaging anywhere from 6 to 15 visits to the court per year (conferences and hearings) - I didn’t want to cut my attorney loose. I still have her “in reserve” so to speak, so when truly important bullshit arises, I can bring her in to handle it. If there are trivial issues which PEW has escalated to hearing status and my attorney believes I could handle it on my own, she would serve in an advisory capacity. In her words, I’ve always prepared for court extremely well, took an active role in my case (which everyone should do), and paid close enough attention to understand the basics… how to object on hearsay, relevancy, evidence - fairly straightforward Legal 101.

This hearing would be my first foray into “semi pro-se” representation. In court, I was on my own. Now pro-se herself after firing her second attorney in as many years (an expensive one at that) - PEW, fancying herself a would-be attorney, was now representing herself as well. I was counting on her inability to maintain a coherent line of questioning and her uncanny ability to screw herself when things weren’t going her way.

I was looking for three things:

1. PEW to be found guilty of contempt of court for failing to put S6 into the agreed-upon childcare facility as agreed to in the summer of 2006 and was re-affirmed in the custody hearings of October 2006.
2. PEW to be found guilty of contempt of court for custodial interference on her failure to show up at the ordered exchange point so that I could have my Christmas Holiday and winter break for 2006.
3. In terms of sanctions, I wanted reimbursement to the tune of $1200.00 for legal fees in preparing for the litigation and peripheral expenses associated with same. Additionally, I want the future schedule to be altered to award me the Christmas Holiday and winter break for 2007 before resuming our regular schedule.

None of these requests were unreasonable. Give me back what I lost because of her latest round of bullshit. As I had been through the legal wringer for the better part of 2-years at that point, I had prepared myself for no relief and, if that were the case, I wasn’t going to fight for much more of anything. I was on the edge of having completely lost faith in the legal system.

JC would surprise me this day.

She had already laid most of the groundwork for her “alibi” as detailed in the previous posts (Part III and Part IV).

In court, she would try to use the excuse that she was “sick.” She would “prove” this by having an affidavit signed by her supervisor that she missed work on December 19th. She was in work on the 20th and 21st, though - but it didn’t stop her from trying. She tried to bolster her argument with a “doctor’s note.” It was dated December 26th. Neither was convincing to the judge. In fact, it aggravated JC. She saw it for what it was - an obvious attempt to give herself an “alibi.” The judge blew it out of the water.

The judge’s ruling as written from the transcript:

Judge Contempt (JC): So, ma’am, with respect to the issue of day care, there’s no question you’re in contempt for not following the day care provision that I imposed, because there is an issue of who he could use down in [LM's State]. And so I said both of you have to do licensed day care providers.

And on that issue, Mother is to notify Father in advance if she wants to change any day care arrangements, and the parties have to agree in writing. And counsel fees will be imposed if Mother is found in contempt in the future of this — of this provision.

With respect to Christmas 2006, I find Mother’s in contempt. Hand down. She did not do what she should. And that’s the issue that is going to cost her counsel fees.

I direct that within 30-days of today’s date, Mother is to pay the sum of $675.00, which represents three hours at $225.00 for [LM's attorney] for the petition; that she is to pay $675.00 to Father by check and keep a record that he’s cashed it and that you get it back. Thirty days, $675.00.

Further, Mother and Father, they have to do the makeup for Father’s missed Christmas in 2006. Therefor, the Christmas schedule is modified to say that Father has the next Christmas. Then you go back to whenever the schedule would say. Father will have Christmas schedule in ‘07 and then we go back to whatever should happen.

That’s my order.

And my faith in the system continues on it’s upswing. After getting the bulk of what I wanted (absent primary custody) in the October 2006 custody hearings, the judge finding her in contempt and imposing sanctions against PEW - was another step up in this three-ring-circus.

Believe it or not, after repeatedly failing to follow the judge’s orders in various ways over the prior few years - she failed to pay me the money the court ordered in 30-days. On day 30, I called the court and she was summoned for another contempt of court hearing for failing to heed the latest order. This isn’t me filing for contempt, this is effectively the JUDGE filing for contempt. Upon her notification of another hearing, she quickly paid me the $675.00 by check.

She asked me to call the court on her behalf after she paid me, which I refused to do. My hope was that despite the payment, because it was late, the already pissed-off judge would go nuclear on her. However, when she provided Domestic Relations with the proof of her payment - the court withdrew the petition.

Too bad.

When Christmas 2007 rolls around… she’ll try to destroy them again…

Our situation has been high-conflict since it’s inception in January of 2004. PEW went through two attorneys before deciding she was, herself, an attorney. After firing her second attorney, she began representing herself. For someone engaged in such a war with a Borderline (BPD) this is not good news. Add abuse via the legal system to their arsenal. In the jurisdiction in where we live, it doesn’t cost anything to file petitions or have hearings. If the BPD doesn’t have an attorney to pay - the legal system becomes their personal playground.

At this point, I am beyond flat-broke. My attorney realizes this but I don’t want to lose her. We shift strategies and I have been paying close attention to how things develop in court over the years. Together we decide that I will not let her go, but instead will keep her and we will decide on an issue-by-issue basis if it is something that I can handle on my own. If not, I’ll pay her more retainer money. Otherwise, she will review the issues and, if she is convinced it’s something I can handle, will offer me some guidance on how to handle things. She believes I have a slam-dunk case for contempt and trusts I can handle the case on my own. I can afford phone conferences and petition filings, it’s just that hearings and conferences are costing between $1,000 and $2,000 per event and I just don’t have that anymore.

As detailed in Part III, I had my attorney file a contempt of court petition against PEW. Judge Contempt (JC) is beyond fed up with seeing us in front of her. At this point, between conferences and hearings, we’ve been before her court in the neighborhood of 2-dozen times.

The issues:

1. Custodial interference. She violated the court order regarding visitation/custody. The order clearly defines the schedule for the year. As the non-custodial parent, I have every Winter Break, which is typically the week of Christmas. The Christmas holiday itself is defined as 12/24 through 12/25. So, in alternating years that’s what each of us get. During my years, I have the children the entire week. During her years, I would get the children on the 26th for the balance of the week.
2. Childcare provision. PEW has always been very money-centered. Anything she can do to maximize her “take” - she’ll do it. When calculating the child-support figure, they factor in an amount for childcare which is allocated proportionate to income. In past years, we would agree to a licensed care facility and the childcare portion of the support figure was factored in. Then, PEW would withdraw them from the agreed-upon childcare after the support order was entered and place them with a friend of family member, claiming to be paying them as much as we were paying the childcare center.

I don’t think so. She did this in 2004. She did this in 2005. Effectively, she gets the child support figure set in stone and then pockets the difference between what we would be paying for the childcare center and what she was paying “friends and family” - substantially less, if anything at all.

In June of 2006, there was a support modification. In an effort to avoid litigation (and paying attorneys) I sacrificed more than $2,000 in credits that were due me (for her inflated childcare costs which I busted her on). My reasoning? I would have paid more than that to go to a hearing with my attorney to keep it. We agreed on the childcare center for the upcoming school year and the support was modified to include the new childcare arrangement.

In September, only one week into the school year, PEW withdrew S6 from “beforecare” and placed him with her neighbor, this time claiming to be paying more than we were paying for beforecare and how lucky “we” were for S6 to be with such a loving person and how convenient it was for her not to have to drive to the beforecare center. Oh bullshit, PEW.

This issue was bought up at the Custody Hearings in October of 2006 and reinforced by JC, but PEW walked out of the courtroom and simply did not return S6 to the agreed-upon childcare center.

Another recurring theme with the BPD:

• The BPD will never make a bonafide offer to settle anything. They live for the fight. They thrive on the engagement with their target.
• There is no offer you can make that a BPD will agree to. It will be the benchmark on which they will force you to give up more.
• There is no court order that the BPD will agree to. The BPD believes themselves a higher authority than anyone and no one can impose their will on them.
• If, by some strange shift in planetary alignment the BPD actually makes you an offer and you agree to its terms - she will “unagree” to it and/or withdraw it because you agreed to it. If you agree to their offer - you must have done something underhanded.

What do I want the court to do? I want the court to impose severe sanctions on her. At the very least I want reimbursement of legal fees preparing for the hearing. I want S6 re-enrolled in the agreed upon childcare facility. I want her to replace my Christmas week of 2006 with Christmas week of 2007 - the entire winter break.

I know it sounds crazy. It is. You will see countless examples of this as we continue to wreck the train.

To be continued… Part V