The Psycho Ex Wife

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The never-ending flow of reader’s stories we get both on the blog, in thepsychoexwife forums, and in our email boxes still leaves us shaking our heads. It keeps things in perspective for us. Certainly there are those who have it plenty easier than we do. And then there are, very sadly, those who have it much worse than we do. There never seems to be any end to “the crazy” and for each family going through it - their story literally is the worst story out there - to them, and rightfully so. Comes this one from “Bananarama.”

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Another unsurprising story from a reader who declares that he “got the trifecta” with his psycho ex-wife…

Dear LM & DW,

I could have written your website, except my ex-wife not only has been characterized to have BPD [borderline personality disorder], but also sociopath and Narcissistic tendencies as well. I got the trifrecta with her. I have [several] therapists reports stating these disorders and the court just dont care, but God forbid I should leave a hair out of place on my [kids'] head and they are ready to take custody from me.

I have fought 6 yrs for Joint custody, just recently getting it a year ago. I am made out to be this bad guy, who is controlling, abusive, and stalking, and she is so convincing in public. The therapists call it projecting, but that doesn’t help me and my son (S8) and daughter (D13). Can you offer any advice in dealing with her and co-parenting with her? She constantly violates our court adopted Parenting Agreement, withholds information from me, prevents me from talking with my [children], and blocking me from contacting [them]. The child is caught in the middle, and when she cannot get to me doing these things, she then tries to alienate our [kids] from me by bad mouthing me. Its a never ending battle just to get her to abide by our court order. I can file contempt charges, but the courts won’t do anything. I am at my wits end. I have found myself starting to act out of character because she drives me crazy, and then it gets used against me. Her best defense is to be on the offensive, if I accuse her of something, she immediately deflects it by changing the subject and say I am doing something, then I find that I am defending myself. She makes so many allegations with no evidence and I am guilty until proven innocent.

Do you recommend any good books for kids to read, to help them cope with a crazy parent, and also cope with being put in the middle of and used as a weapon by parents?

Will this HELL ever end?

Take care,
With Multiple “D’s”

Multiple D’s - there is a lot to cover here.

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LM and DW -

I have recently come across your site and I am inexplicably addicted to reading all about your PEW and your struggles. I read anywhere I can, but mostly at work. In my situation, it isn’t a PEW, but a Psycho Ex-Husband who is nothing but enabled by his family. (He was also once diagnosed by a counselor as a borderline bipolar, but as soon as he heard about that……stopped going!)

I just read your post from 26 Mar 08, PEW reverses Course - Apologizes. I have seen this type of thing too many times to count. It’s insanity (based on the definition).

You write:

PEW is working YEARS in advance to convince the children that I’m the “bad guy” and when they’re 12-years old they can stroll into court and pick her over me. It’s disgusting.

[These] last few lines of the post really hit home. My children are S14, D12, S10. Two years ago, The Psycho Ex-Husband filed for full custody of S14 on the basis that I was a danger to him. S14 became upset with me when I informed him it was time for bed. It was 1am on [New Year's] Day. S14 declared that The Psycho Ex-Husband told him he didn’t have to listen to me when he didn’t feel like it. I turned out the lights and said, “BEDTIME!”

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That’s what loving, caring parents do whenever and wherever it is possible in situations such as ours.  Unfortunately, in this regard, the only person you can control is yourself.  I’ve lost count of how many times the PEW has threatened to “force” the children to go before the Judge and “tell” the judge who they want to live with.  She’s worked tirelessly to ensure that the choice would be her.  You see, PEWs cannot grasp the reality that children not only need both parents.  In most cases, children want both parents and want them in their lives as much as possible. PEW, in all of her diabolical wisdom, believes it’s appropriate to force children to choose between parents.

I truly believe that she has never considered the unbelievable stress and pressure that this puts on young children. Worse, she lobbies the children to choose her. If doubt is evident in their words or body language, she’ll turn to mind-poison. She’s been doing and saying and threatening and trying these things almost from the moment we split.

Some examples…

March 23, 2008

LM,

I am so tired of the bs that has been going on….now they tell me that you said they can’t bring their wrestlers over there??? what the frig are they supposed to do? they’re not allowed to watch tv….no video games…no fun….they have no toys….your girl is mean to them….answer me for God’s sake…do you want to be in court again? because that is what is going to happen soon and this time I am going to INSIST that Judge Contempt talk to these children.

August 12, 2008

LM,

I will say this one more time and for the last time….You will NEVER EVER EVER have primary custody of our children as long as I am still breathing. NEVER, NEVER Ever EVER. In fact, when they are old enough, I plan on taking them to court so that they can finally SPEAK for THEMSELVES.

August 10, 2009

LM,

That’s ok though because I am and always will be #1 with the kids….and as soon as [my attorney] tells me they are old enough to tell Judge Contempt how much they hate going to you (which they do) we are going back and they will be with me full time again. See you soon.

These types of threats are inappropriate (we’re going to ignore the false allegations we usually cover ad nauseum).  This is just a tip of the iceberg.  Lobbying the children to choose is about as bad as it gets for a parent who seeks nothing more than to separate the children from their father for no other reason except that they are the only tool she has left to use as a weapon.

The bottom line is that these children love both of their parents, as most children do.  After everything they’ve been through as well as everything everyone else has been through, continually threatening to sue for custody, putting the children through unnecessary stress, and of course, rekindling that fear that they are going to be forced to have to “choose” which parent (not) to spend time with… is just going to result in more awful, expensive experiences for everyone.  This is what unhappy divorced parents do when the only person they think about is the one that stares back at them so unhappily in the mirror.

And there is nothing anyone can do to stop this type of madness, particularly when it’s perpetrated by a mother.  Hearing after hearing after hearing after hearing and everybody loses except the people who make money being involved in such disasters.

Don’t engage in this type of behavior.  It’s just plain bad for everyone, no matter the outcome.

After Part 7 of the custodial interference via phone calls series, we begin winding things down and we’ll make this the conclusion of the series.

For one thing - I’ve beaten this topic to death, but felt it was important to see how a child’s mind can be influenced by a disordered parent.  Parental alienation exists and it’s an effective tool of the malicious ex-partner when left unaddressed.  When it’s done on the phone, you’re not very likely to figure out what the hell is going on and why.  I know I didn’t.  I had my suspicions, but could never prove anything.  The recordings simply confirmed those suspicions.  The other reason this is the conclusion is that after this phone call, she would refuse to allow the recording of phone calls.

The was one phone call between the one I document today and the one detailed in Part 7.  It was more of the same where she initiated discussions about the things she had bought them and that was the bulk of their discussion.  Again - it contained nothing about what they were doing or did or anything about the kids.  It was all about the gifts, all about PEW, and all about practically counting the minutes until they would be reunited again.

In this phone call, which took place after our August 2005 court hearing and during my next custodial time, we discuss a disciplinary action I took because S1 refused to eat his dinner.  We were supposed to go fishing at the lake.  His refusal to participate in dinner cost him that excursion.  If you’ve read any of the stories in the discipline category - you’ll realize that the approaches to discipline between PEW and I are quite different.  She has none.  I do.  There is no means of discipline I could impose that PEW will ever think is appropriate.  This makes sense because she simply has no concept of boundaries, expectations, or managing the children’s behavior (in positive ways or through appropriate disciplinary action).  Aside from her outbursts, smacking them in the mouth or head, or bull-rushing them into fearful situations, she just couldn’t bring herself to depart from the buddy-buddy Disneyland Mom gift-giving role, probably because she viewed the children’s disappointment at having to be punished as them not loving her.  See: Abandonment Issues.

As a result - she informs the children that they don’t have to follow the rules at our home.  Further, she undermines my punishment by promising them a fishing trip when they got home.  (Of course, in keeping with the theme that she doesn’t do much with the kids directly, someone else - her brother - would be responsible for providing that.)  After opening with our mutual recording exchanges, she starts her conversations with S2.  In his usual fashion, he was short and got off the phone quickly.  Nothing too unusual about the discussion.  Then, “the target” we know and love as S1 got on the phone…

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