The Psycho Ex Wife

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As promised, I continue from Part B of the “Depriving the Children of Nutrition” Series with what I call The Nutrition Petition.

The prepared petition is as follows, with all of the “vital statistics and personal details” removed:

A. The Petitioner is asking for a modification of the existing order based on the following:

1. Currently the petitioner and the defendant share custody of the minor children
2. The Petitioner represents that the respondent is harming the minor children, particularly S1 physically and emotionally by severely limiting his food intake. S1 (dob xx/xx/xx) is 10 years old, he is approximately 5’3” and weighs approximately 155-160 lbs. S2 (dob xx/xx/xx) is 7 years old, he is approximately 4’ tall and weighs approximately 70 lbs. The children report to the Petitioner that they are fed exactly the same portions and they state “we are always hungry at Dad’s”. The Petitioner can only report on the calorie intake of the children while they are with the Respondent based on the children’s reports. The Petitioner feels it is approximately 1000 calories per day, which is inadequate for normal growth and development for children their age. The Petitioner also avers that the Respondents undue restrictions on the children’s diet are having the “opposite” effect on them, since when they return to her home they are ravenous and eat constantly. The Petitioner feels that the deprivation of calories is causing them emotional harm and negatively affecting their weight and body image.
3. The Petitioner represents that since she filed a contempt petition dated 7/16/07 the respondent continues to subject the minor child, S1 to continual emotional harm. In the Petitioners, Petition for Contempt dated 7/16/07 she states the following: “The Respondent has repeatedly admonished 8 year old S1 for his weight over the past three years and is obsessed with the fact that eight-year-old S1 is overweight to the point where the child has lost significant weight over the past month while in the Respondent’s custody. The child stated on June 30th, 2007 while on a visit with his mother at a hotel in [LM's home-state] that “I am too fat, look at me, it’s disgusting, Dad is going to help me get into shape”. During this visit, the Petitioner observed that S1 has decreased his intake of food substantially to the point where the Petitioner finds it unhealthy. Eight year-old S1 also stated “I can’t lose my fitness while I’m with you because you are not fit Mom”. The Petitioner, Mother of this child feel that at eight years old, the Respondent is jeopardizing the “Health and Welfare and Emotional” state of eight-year-old S1 due to the Respondent’s with weight. The Petitioner feels that there are much better, healthier ways of helping S1 achieve an ideal weight without making him feel bad about himself. The Petitioner feels that the Respondent will be responsible for driving S1 to an “Eating Disorder” and further emotional damage if he is subjected to further criticism about his weight.”
4. The Petitioner represents that the Respondent testified to the Honorable Judge Contempt that he was relocating to [custody-state], so that the order would be modified to an equal custody arrangement. The Petitioner represents that the respondent still resides in a 4-bedroom home in [home-state] for two weeks per month and spends the other two weeks in an apartment over a garage in [His-Town] while he has custody of the children. The Respondent testified to the Honorable Judge Contempt that he was relocating to [custody-state], when in fact he had no intention of doing so.

The Petitioner respectfully requests that Honorable Court modify the existing Order of Court as follows:

B. The Petitioner wishes to be granted temporary Sole Legal and Primary Physical Custody of the minor children, S1 and S2 with visitation time to the Respondent. The petitioner request to modify the Order of Court as follows:

1. Mother wishes for the Honorable court to intervene on the children’s behalf to ensure that Father follows an adequate diet for the children.
2. Mother wishes to be granted rights to all decision making regarding the “Health Safety and Welfare” of the minor children with objective consideration to Father’s written opinion.
3. Mother will have primary physical custody of the children temporarily until such time as the court deems the Father able to make sound decisions regarding their welfare.
4. Mother requests that in light of the fact that Father is not truly relocating to [custody-state], the Honorable Court have him move to [PEW-town], where the children attend school. Mother avers that the rents in [PEW-town] are considerably cheaper than those in [His-town] and perhaps Father could use the additional monies to buy food for the children. It is Mother’s belief that the children could continue their relationships with their friends and would benefit immensely by being in their “home” town for the entire month.

The Petitioner does pray and request that the Honorable Court will grant the Modification as stated herein.

This is the 5th day of March 2009

I, PEW, state that the above statements are true and correct to the best of my knowledge. I understand that false statements herein are made subject to penalties relating to unsworn falsification to authorities.

Amazing.  In an effort to TRY and keep myself from droning on and on and on, I’ll try going with bullet points.

• Section A1: This is about the only coherent and factually accurate part of the entire petition.
• Section A2: This is completely baseless.  Not only is it factually incorrect, it’s entirely fantasy that is predicated upon the alleged reports that the children “are hungry.” PEW is calculating the children’s “caloric intake” based solely upon the children telling her what they want to in order to get what they want from her.  She reports that the children are “ravenous and eat constantly” - which clearly demonstrates her complete lack of control of the situation in her home on this issue (let alone all of the others).  How could anyone read this and take it seriously?
• Section A3: This is a cut-and-paste of the petition she filed when she details she filed it.  The petition was dismissed as groundless and yet - she is putting the same thing the judge has already ruled on in front of her again.  Also, it has no basis in fact.
• Section A4: Aside from the fact that this section represents a “dig” at my current living arrangements in custody-state (formerly known as work-state), it is also factually inaccurate.  We live in a rented cottage.  It is a two-story stone building.  The bottom of it is a MASSIVE 4-car garage that is deep enough to fit no fewer than 8-vehicles, with additional storage space.  Over the top of that garage, is a 2-bedroom, 1-bath apartment with eat-in kitchen and large living room.  As for issue with my overall living arrangements, they have nothing to do with the purpose of the petition.  It’s obviously out of place and represents her complaining about not being in control of my life.  I represented to the Judge that I met the terms of the prior custody arrangement, which was that if I established employment and residence within reasonable proximity of where the PEW lived, I would be granted 50/50 custody after a short hearing.  I did not represent to the Judge that I was “relocating” to custody-state.  In fact, I recall telling the Judge that even if I wanted to sell our residence in home-state, we couldn’t due to the awful economic conditions, particularly in the real estate market.  The Judge did not require that I sell my home-state residence in order to obtain custody - only that I establish employment and a residence, which I did.
• Section B1: Even if the judge could, how is the court going to ensure that I feed the children a proper diet?  Aside from the reality that her claims are fabricated and impossible to prove (because my children eat a proper diet when they are with me) - she writes in section A that she has no control over what the children eat and how much they eat when with her.  She has 1 seriously overweight child and 1 child that has been packing on the pounds recently and is coming before the court to tell them that they aren’t getting enough to eat.  I… kid… you… not.
• Section B2: Can you hear me laughing at her “objective consideration?”
• Section B3: The court has already found that the father makes sound decisions regarding their welfare.  That’s why I’ve gotten 50/50 custody and she has already been threatened with a further erosion of her custodial time due to her repeated contempt issues.
• Section B4: She wants the court to order me to move closer to her.  Closer than the 8-miles (approximately) away I already reside from her.  Has anyone seen a bigger effort to control another ex-spouse’s life to such an extent?  She wants the court to order me to move to another town to be closer to her.  Not to mention, a number of those “friends” about whom S1 complains vigorously - I wouldn’t allow them to play with or into my home.

Further…

“I, PEW, state that the above statements are true and correct to the best of my knowledge. I understand that false statements herein are made subject to penalties relating to unsworn falsification to authorities.”

This is at least the 7th petition she’s filed that is rife with “unsworn falsification to authorities.”  In no prior case has she ever been sanctioned for this.  I don’t expect, if she follows through with filing this petition, that she will be sanctioned for this one, either.  Of course, we can always hope.

If I thought that there were any grounds on which to file a petition of my own AND have it be successful, I would.  She is beyond sick and I can’t do anything to further take the children away from being brought up in such a disastrous environment with a mother who is so clearly mentally ill.  I live in daily fear that she will some day snap and do them immediate, and much more serious harm.  What a great way to live.

As the kids health and welfare are of serious concern to me, I broke down after 2-days of thinking about it and decided to place a phone call.  I obviously went into this knowing it’s a waste of breath, but decided if there was even a remote chance she would “wake up and smell the coffee” on this topic, it would be worth the try.  Look for that in Part D when I get around to it.  I’m sure I’ll have more pressing matters when the reaction to the news that I have been laid-off is communicated (which it will have been by the time this post launches).

See: CRAP - It’s What’s for Dinner.

In Part A of the Deprivation Series… we only laid the foundation of the Psycho Ex-Wife’s latest round of complete kookiness.    She ramps it up a bit now, implying that the children deserve tastykakes instead of fruit… and on a less humorous front - details how she allows the children to “gorge themselves” while blaming me for it happening.  Sadly, I can picture her standing aside as they lay siege to her kitchen, destroying her food stores like locusts through a farmer’s field… like the Cookie Monster through a King-Sized chocolate chip…

………..

LM,

It’s not just S1, S2 is saying it too and supporting what S1 is saying about being often hungry. The worst part is on Sundays, they will practically knock me over to get to the kitchen and eat and eat. S1 has actually made himself throw up a few times. Do you get what I’m saying? that is a sign of a serious eating disorder. In addition, S2 wouldn’t have gained so much weight, if he wasn’t being deprived at your house. He was never like this before last October and after a few months of being with you every other week, he was coming to my house and gorging himself too. That tells me that the restrictions you put on food, seriously impact them to the point where they feel like they aren’t going to get enough…so they feel like they have to over-compensate at my house.

The petition is attached. I will have a Process server bring it to you next week, since you’re not giving me a choice. So not only do I have to worry about surgery….I have to miss MORE work just to make you do what you should be doing anyway.

~PEW

Aside from failing to identify the reality that the children are manipulating her, as they always have, into giving them whatever it is that they want at the moment, I am deeply disturbed by the fact that she:

• Takes everything that the children say (assuming she isn’t embellishing it) as completely accurate.
• That she allows them to allegedly push through her and go on an eating rampage when they arrive home to her on Sundays.
• That, at times, she sits idly by and allows S1 to eat so much, so fast, that he vomits.
• That she can describe the above scenario, create fiction in her head about what goes on at my house, and use that fiction to justify her allowing the children to do what she reports.
• It’s my fault (according to her).

This is unbelievable.  Or should I be saying that it’s entire believable?  I don’t respond… but I want to.

LM,

I really wish you would reconsider. You know the process….first a conference, then another evaluation, then hearing. All that because you can’t acknowledge that you may have to look at the situation a little more objectively and consider you may need to change some things on your end. An evaluations is going to cost us both about $1200…maybe more we haven’t had one in years. It totally kills me that you used to complain about your Dad keeping candy bars for himself and not sharing with you and your brothers and here you are doing the same thing!!! The kids said you give them grapes and then YOU eat Tastycakes?!?! What are you doing LM?

If I go to all the way up there, pay for a process server, take time off work, etc..etc….we are having an evaluation. It’s not like this is the only issue I have with you.

~PEW

OH MY GOD!!!  THEY EAT GRAPES AND YOU EAT A TASTYKAKE!!!  CALL CHILD PROTECTIVE SERVICES!!!  These are the types of people that our courts all over this country and our judges entertain with conferences, custody evaluations, restraining orders, and hearings.  This is where innocent people have to spend enormous amounts of money for the most bizarre, frivolous, completely unsupported allegations.  What a Goddamned waste.

I have to look at the situation more objectively means I have to look at it completely from her objective, agree with it, and then meet her demands.  She does this by using the same old, tired-ass tactic of threatening me with court.  I don’t fucking care anymore.  I don’t do anything that would warrant me getting in trouble, so her threats are empty.  All her threats mean is that I will be afforded the opportunity to watch her get her ass beaten by Judge Contempt again.

As for the story about my father - another great example of how PEWs twist things into an alternate reality which then becomes a reality all their own.  The story goes a little something like this… one time, just before Halloween, I was in my parent’s room when I shouldn’t have been and discovered a candy bar on my father’s bureau.  I couldn’t resist.  I ate it.  Not surprisingly, he discovered his candy bar missing, and when I was confronted, I lied about it.  “I didn’t do it!“  So, all of the boys became suspects.  When Dad threatened to take Halloween away from all of us, I finally confessed.

That’s it.  That’s the story.  Now, look at what happened to that story when it went through the PEW filter.  I want you all to realize that this is what normally happens to any story that involves the PEW. They go through the filter and what really happened in any situation comes out as something completely different.  Worse, she believes that alternate reality and no one will convince her that it happened any way other than the way she described it.  I’m not sure that most people not going through a similar situation can quite grasp how horrible this can be to the “normal” ex-spouse.  When I (and commenters and people on our forums) speak of reaching a point where we start to question our sanity and our own recollections of events - you better believe it.

Adding to the sick, twisted nature of this whole situation, comes the following email from the President of one of the local football teams.  You see, mixed among these emails, we were having a short discussion regarding S1 playing football and trying to figure out if we could make it happen.  I told PEW that I had not looked into any of the teams in either her area or my area yet.  She did… and, even while this entire discussion of the boys’ malnourishment was taking place - she forwarded the email from the League President…

Hello PEW,

Thank you for your interest in the [Local Football Team 1]. I am sorry to say the your son would not be able to play on any of our teams. Our maximum weight is 132-pounds and that level of play is with 13 and 14 year boys. I do know that the [Local Football Team 2] are in a different league than us and they may have something to accommodate you. You can check on their web site. Sorry again.

~Football President

Take a minute.  Read it again… I’ll wait.

Aside from the fact that only a complete buffoon would send that email while speaking about our children not getting enough to eat… the implications of what the League President says above never even registers with her.  (It will when I point it out when I speak to her.)

Our 10-year old son cannot play in the local football league because he is too heavy.  Our 10-year old son weighs nearly 160-pounds.  The league’s 13- and 14-year olds play at a maximum weight of 132-pounds. What does asshole do?  She finds out that he can play in the Catholic Youth League where “they play according to grade!” That’s wonderful.  If S1 plays in that league, he’s going to kill someone.

—————————-

Despite my promise to post the petition here, it’s too long.  So, you’ll have to wait one more day when I post “The Nutrition Petition.”

Unrelated to my recent job loss, the psycho ex-wife has chosen again to make the children’s weight and nutrition an issue.  Of course, this is my fault.  Her timing is uncanny.  I need this shit right now like I need another hole in my head.  It’s the same story on this issue, just a different month.

To see the history, you can read: Child Obesity Crisis Looms series. This is another chapter, I suppose.

It starts with the following email:

LM,

I also forgot to mention. S1 has expressed on MANY occassions the fact that he is allocated the same portions of food as S1 and he’s hungry ALOT at your place. I know you would LIKE him to be thin, but he’s not. He is large, always has been large and may always be large, however the one thing I will not allow you to do is to deprive him of nutrition that his body needs to grow….not to mention to give him enough fuel to get through a day. If you’re not sure how much “fuel” he needs to get through a day….consult with a nutritionist or the pediatrician. It sounds like when he comes to you, he’s living on about 900 calories a day. He needs about 2300 per day to function and grow. S2’s is 1300 per day…. I am going to start calling him everyday when he’s at your house and asking him what he was served. If this continues beyond next week, I will have no choice but to file a petition because I am not going to have you or your girlfriend malnourish our children….a) because your cheap and saving money on food and b) because you think he doesn’t deserve to eat because he’s heavy. Not going to have it.

~PEW

Let me be clear again about a few things:

• S1 is 10-years old and is back up to about 160-pounds. He is approximately 5′2″ tall. He is overweight by at least 30-pounds.
• S2 has been putting on some weight recently, but he is still height and weight proportionate. The weight gain is a bit sudden and it’s starting to show.
• We don’t obsess about food. We don’t obsess about weight. I can’t be anymore clear about this. All we do is talk to the children about health and fitness. Even that we do casually. We encourage exercise, which we often do together, and lately - they’ve been doing on their own, which is great!
• We all eat normal meals. Normal breakfast. Normal lunch. Normal dinner. Normal evening snack. If anything, they probably sometimes get slightly more than they should from time-to-time when with us. They definitely do not get less than they need.
• S1 would eat until someone physically restrained him if given the chance. S2 eats until he is full and stops.

That’s it. Normal stuff. Every day.  With my head still reeling from the events of that day, I simply ignored it.  Soon, there was a follow-up…

LM,

I figured you were going to ignore the email and after doing some research and discussion with people close to S1, I do believe I need to persue the issue. This has been ongoing for several years and is very serious and is impacting S1’s emotional well-being and self image.

Last year it was an email from Mrs. S1Teacher telling me that you refused to send him to school with a snack, resulting in my having to drop a cases of snacks off at school. This year it has resulted in my having to keep his lunch account full of money so that if he does not have an adequate lunch he can buy himself additional food. Two years ago, he starved off almost 10 lbs while he was under yours and DW’s care in the summer and was completely obsessed with his weight for months, refusing to eat and trying to skip meals. You are harming our son. SERIOUSLY. I have let you slide on many many things over the past year or so trying to give you the opportunity to show you are truly a good father, however this weight thing keeps rearing it’s ugly head.

If I don’t hear from you addressing the situation, I will have no other choice but to protect S1 by requesting a hearing. This is not something you have the option to ignore. You need to acknowledge that you need to educate yourself or deny it completely and that tells me that this is not something we can handle between the two of us.

~PEW

Pure insanity.  Right from the script comes the “everyone I’ve talked to is on my side” dialogue.

The situation she describes with his teacher simply did not happen the way she describes it. S1’s lunchbox is always packed with a sandwich, a bag of chips/pretzels, a fruit item, a small snack, and when I have them, a little Werther’s Original which I tell them is my “kiss” for them during the day. When I was informed that the class had a morning snack due to a late lunch, I immediately packed him a package of snack crackers or a nutrigrain bar.

In the summer of 2007, S1 was 8-years old and came to us weighing 147-pounds. We had him full-time that summer. While eating the same normal meals, he was on the local swim team which had vigorous 2-hour practices 4-nights per week plus competitions on Saturday. This was in addition to the normal daily activities that the all of the kids did. He went home at the end of that summer weighing 130-pounds. We didn’t set out to have him lose weight, it simply happened as a result of all of the exercise he was getting. He noticed the difference and probably has never been more proud of himself and thrilled with the way he looked and how he could keep up with everyone when playing games like tag or football. These details, by the way, had already been made known to her way back when. Incidentally, after returning to her as primary custodian at that time, by November, a period of 2-months, he was already back up to 154-pounds.

Finally, she admits something I suspected all along this year… something S1 has lied to me about. She has given him the green-light to purchase a lunch (from the awful menu) during my custodial time. What has been happening is that S1 has been buying lunch…

1. when is packed a lunch that he likes, meaning he is eating 2 lunches each day.
2. when he is packed a lunch that he doesn’t like, he is eating 1+ lunches by cherry-picking out the things he likes (usually the chips, the snack, and the fruit item) and then buying a school lunch.

This is simply alarming and accounts for his visually obvious rapid weight gain during this school year and S2 has probably been doing the same thing.  This is very upsetting to me that she has allowed this to go on.  When I suspected this was going on, there were several occasions where S1’s lunchbox would come back with his sandwich in it and I would ask him why… he would reply that he “just wasn’t hungry” and didn’t eat anything else.

Despite my serious concerns and a feeling that I need to try to address this situation with her out of concern for S1, I’m not in the right frame of mind.  I still ignore because there is nothing I can say to her that will change her position.

She follows up again…

LM,

I really really really don’t want to start another War over this whole food thing. If you don’t want to email, then call me on my cell to discuss. I have the petition done and I DO NOT want to file it, but I feel like I HAVE to. I know when you read it, you’re going to be upset and that is not the intention, however I can’t let this problem continue because if you could see how it is affecting them you would do the same.

~PEW

Right from the script - the threats of court action. Shocker.  She went as far as to prepare a petition to file for sole legal custody and primary physical custody of the children.  It is, as yet, unfiled.  This time, I choose to reply…

PEW,

There is nothing to discuss. Your allegations are unfounded and not worthy of the attention you seek. S1 eats regular, normal meals at home and is at no risk of “malnutrition” or “malnourishment.” I’m not sure what stories S1 may be telling you, but I can assure you that he suffers absolutely no shortage of food while at my home.

There is nothing more I can or will say on the subject.

~LM

In Part B, the allegations get more wacky on the food front and I will post the petition she has prepared.  I can’t begin to describe for you how frightening this situation is for me because there is nothing I can do about it.  I can’t control what she does.  I can’t control what she feeds them.  I can’t control what her brain conjures up to justify her insane rants.  The scariest part of this is she is missing the obvious - her excuse-making and justifications for his weight are ludicrous.  If something doesn’t change, he will have problems, maybe S2 as well.  All I can do is keep educating them, feed them properly when with me, and continue to encourage and participate in exercise and fitness activities with them.

This really sucks.

We wrapped up Part I of the bullying issue with a pleasant reply from Mrs. Principal.  This is the conclusion.  After Mrs. Principal sent that rather friendly and informative email, I get the spazz from the Psycho Ex-Wife:

LM,

Ok, now I’m mad.  McBully is saying S2 is bullying him.  I hardly believe that.

~PEW

Not MY son!!! Oh please, let’s at least consider that this could very well be a mutual torture session. Consider it. That’s all.

I had prepared an email to send to Mrs. Principal and was going to share it with PEW before sending it. At the very same time, PEW prepared an email and sent it at precisely the same time as I sent her mine to review before I sent it. Here’s the difference between the two…

From PEW:

Mrs. Principal,

I did read in the paper that you were [out of town] accepting an award for the school. That was very nice. Congratulations. I’m glad you returned safely.

[Mister-M] will actually be handling this problem from now on, because I don’t feel like I can be un-emotional about it anymore.

I’m glad you are going to look into the situation for us, but I have to be honest, when I read this email it sounds like you kind of think S2 is making this stuff up. As far as S2 bullying McBully, I’m sorry, but I don’t believe it for one second. S2 is not an aggressive child. I know he made that terrible comment last week but as far as being physically aggressive with other children, I never see that behavior from S2. If he has been aggressive at school, I have never received a phone call about S2 hitting anyone since Kindergarten I think. As far as the incident with the thumbtacks….it was not in the classroom, I don’t know where it was, but I’m not sure why S2 would fabricate a story about Johnny McBully pushing him and him hitting his back on “something” sticking out of the wall. In addition, the recess assistants were not involved because S2 didn’t tell.

I have seen McBully several times with my own eyes in the midst of tantrums at school…..I don’t know if it’s an emotional issue or behavioral issue or whatever, but my son S2 has been crying and upset for the past two months over “whatever” is going on with McBully and it’s going to be a HUGE problem if we can’t resolve it. To me the answer is simple, they should stay away from each other completely. They don’t need to be friends…..we don’t even need to figure out WHY they don’t like each other. Thanks Mrs. Principal.

~PEW

What I sent, of course, was much different.  It went after a PEW review which was done for nothing more than common courtesy and being on the same page on this issue.  I didn’t want to each be independently trying to have it addressed, which frankly would have sucked for the teachers and staff.

From LM:

Mrs. Principal,

While I appreciate the feedback you have provided on this ongoing situation, the last thing I want to see is this devolve into a “S2-said/McBully-said” situation. I will preface the rest of my comments by saying that I understand that S2 is by no means perfect and there have been separate issues with which we’ve had to deal during the school year. Separately, the name Johnny McBully seems to be a common, recurring one in our dialogue and none of it in a positive way.

I’m not comfortable condemning a child, but I must let you know that the reputation I’m getting second-hand is that McBully is a bully and a regular problem at the school and at aftercare. I’ve had enough of hearing about these situations and have an expectation for a much more effective solution than those that I’ve heard about in the past (again, second-hand). As occurred on Monday this week, I never want to have to pick up S2 from school, ask him how his day was and have him tell me, “My life sucks” and when I ask him why, I hear, “Johnny McBully again” followed by another story of bullying or near bullying.

• My understanding is that the tack/board pushing situation didn’t occur in Mrs. S2Teacher’s class, but involved a board somewhere on the way to recess.
• I’ve had to deal with stories of S2 being kicked, punched, and shoved to the ground prior to entering the lunchroom, and McBully’s sanction was to be seated somewhere away from S2.
• I’ve listened to S2 tell me about how he doesn’t play with some of his usual friends anymore on recess in efforts to avoid McBully who may also be involved in the games.
• I’ve heard stories from other students who seem to indicate that McBully actively seeks out not only S2, but others for harassment and deliberately puts himself in places where he can be “contacted” so that things can be made to escalate. (I’ve heard this at aftercare.)
• There are other stories involving kicking, punching, and shoving on the part of McBully.
• Worthy of note, I’ve gotten no calls or emails from the school regarding reports of McBully, teachers, or McBully’s mom or dad claiming that S2 has been bullying him. However, this isn’t the first time we’ve inquired about Johnny McBully.

The temporary solution that I’ve urged S2 to follow is avoidance. He is to get a teacher if he is approached by McBully for any reason so that there is no chance that he can be accused of initiating anything. However, that doesn’t address what I believe is the root-cause of the problem as I am to understand it second-hand. No child should have to actively prepare his day with the thought of having to avoid a bully. If there is bullying going on on either side, it is my expectation that punishment will be swift and severe. I will not tolerate physical assaults perpetrated on my children nor perpetrated by my children. I don’t want this affecting his schoolwork. Now I’m going to cut everyone a little slack and say that while I’m sure that there is McBully’s version, S2’s version, and somewhere in between perhaps rests the truth, I will offer you this thought as we work towards a solution:

S2’s fear and upset is very real and not a fabrication or an embellishment. That, I see first-hand and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind about it. I was not happy when I picked him up from school on Monday to hear him tell me that his life sucks because of Johnny McBully. It may mean that they cannot be friends, but they will keep their hands off of other people. If they do not, I am prepared for whatever consequences that will come as a result of anything S2 may initiate and I’ve been very clear to him that this matter is very serious and that I better never learn of him having initiated anything from here on out.

While the “tone” of my reply may not indicate so, I assure you that I have an open-mind with regard to seeking a resolution or other effort to ensure that this doesn’t happen again. However, I won’t have much more patience should future situations arise. I’m giving everybody the benefit of the doubt.

Please make sure that I am copied on any further correspondence on this issue and you can call me any time at [my phone number].

Sincerely,
Mister-M

After the PEW review, she wrote back to me, “You shoulda been a lawyer.” She then tried to “recall” her email to Mrs. Principal, which I thought was hysterical. Does that even really work? All I know is that I got a follow-up email that read, “PEW would like to recall the email: Blah, blah, blah.”

Interestingly, aside from the defensive “not my son” position, you’ll notice that she jumped from the proverbial airplane and pulled her parachute without so much as letting me know.  She bails out and puts me right on the hook in this situation because she can’t control herself and SAYS SO right in her email to Mrs. Principal.  That’s fine with me, mind you, but just in case you ever see fit to question my claims that she can’t handle the children nor anything relating to them in a meaningful way - just put this in your evidence folder.  If it doesn’t involve buying them toys and gifts and staying “buddies” with them, she’s not prepared to handle anything serious.

To the both of us, Mrs. Principal replies:

Mister-M & PEW,

I appreciate you taking the time to share your concerns as I believe communication is the key to developing a supportive and positive partnership focused on the best interests of all of our students. While email is quite convenient, one runs the risk of their intended message being misunderstood by the reader due to misinterpretation of the writer’s tone. I simply shared Mrs. S2Teacher’s feedback in my previous email because I wanted you to know that my staff attempted to address this issue when it was brought to their attention. In no way was that information meant to negate the validity of the concerns S2 has shared with you or to indicate that any conclusions regarding this matter had already been drawn. Again, I apologize that business-related travel prevented me from speaking with you personally or over the phone on Monday morning.

Thank you and I look forward to speaking with you over the telephone tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Principal

Of course, all PEW had to do to get the details was ask S2, which is what I did. Then, rather than intimate that there was disbelief on the part of anyone or the implication that S2 was lying, she could have done as I did - and simply state the facts as you actually know them (the push into the thumbtack board occurred elsewhere).

Mrs. Principal called me and we had a very pleasant discussion. It is summarized in my follow-up email to PEW…

PEW,

Spoke with Mrs. Principal this morning. Long and short of the situation is that it appears that “somewhere in the middle is the truth.” I’m sure she’s filled you in already (or will shortly), but based on interviews with all the boys (S2, McBully, Bestbuddy, Defender, and some others) as well as staff (including aftercare) - what is apparently happening is that playtime escalates into confrontation.

It would seem that S2 and Bestbuddy are the “popular kids” with whom everyone wants to play and they sometimes use that “power” to turn people away who are eager to play with them, not necessarily in a nice way. In other words, they “know” they’re popular and make themselves unapproachable or unavailable when the mood suits them. This causes ill-feelings which ultimately escalate into something more.

I am told that both McBully and S2 say that sometimes they play nice and sometimes they want nothing to do with one another.

So, at this time, I suggested and was promised close monitoring of the situation by all staff and I promised to address this improper use of their reported “popularity” on the home front. Sounds like all the kids need lessons in keeping things friendly and not being mean to one another when things don’t go their way. They also need to be more respectful in declining play with others and not using it as a weapon to be a jerk. Others need to be taught the importance of “hands-off” and treated with appropriate consequences for failing to abide by that.

~LM

Now, if there is a next time that involves a physical altercation, my expectation is that if it involves any of these boys - there will be meaningful punishment. Based on my discussion with S2, there seems to be an understand that there is a higher level of seriousness given all of the people who had to be involved in getting to the bottom of the matter. Of course, PEW wants to continue to go “not my son” on the issue…

LM,

I think she thinks we are stupid….S1 is popular….S2 is not, but Bestbuddy is popular and is good friends with Donny Defender (they live in the same apartment complex) and McBully is friends with Defender. It may have to do with S2 wanting to play with Bestbuddy but not Defender or McBully (who are both a little on the weird side). Maybe she just didn’t want to say it like that. I know Bestbuddy is a very nice kid, he’s not mean to anyone and seems to have a high tolerance for more difficult kids, whereas S2 does not. I think there’s some jealousy going on there too and I think that’s why he said what he said to Someonelse last week when he was playing with Blackkid. I think he doesn’t want his friends playing with kids he doesn’t like.

If your comfortable that S2 isn’t going to be subjected to any more abuse by this kid then I guess I’m comfortable too…..but I wouldn’t put much stock in Mrs. Principal saying S2 is abusing his popularity because I KNOW that is not the case. She’s either mis-informed or bullshitting her way through a difficult situation….I think I would know if my kid is popular. Kids flock around S1…call for playdates for S1…write him letters, etc…etc….. That’s not S2’s reality unfortunately.

~PEW

Really, who gives a shit, PEW? The situation has been addressed and I don’t care about the inconsequential details. Of course, she again is making fun of some of the children in her email, questions the authority’s assessment of the situation, and basically wants to absolve S2 of any culpability for how things have unfolded. Same story, different day.  What a childish buffoon.  How the hell would she even know what the hierarchy of popularity is at the school, at recess, at aftercare?  I’m not sure which is creepier - the likelihood that she has no idea and talks as if she does… or, that she actually does know.

I put a great deal of stock in what Mrs. Principal has said because it is based upon the information she gleaned from her interviews with the children themselves.  The bottom line, though, is none of that detail really matters to me, only that any future situations that occur are handled in a manner that is satisfactory to me, whether the trouble-starter is my son or someone else.

PEW,

I guess the proof will be in how situations are handled from here on out. I think we prompted action, they interviewed the players, and have notified those charged with watching over everything. All we can do at this point is play “wait and see.”

Challenging her conclusions won’t accomplish anything.

~LM

That is all I’ll have to say on the matter and I didn’t receive a reply to that last email, thankfully. I’m pleased to report that in the weeks since the get-together with the children on the matter, I’ve gotten nothing but good reports from S2.

Yeah, I guess we should have named this “Differing Approaches Month.”

In amongst the other issues I’ve written about this past week or so, I’ll add what was a developing bullying situation involving S2.  There have been intermittent run-ins with a boy we’ll call, Johnny McBully.  Johnny McBully has repeatedly assaulted S2 at various times during the school year due to what I understand to be inconsequential encounters.  McBully is a little bigger than S2 and acts out rather often.  The boy apparently has some behavioral issues and has a reputation both at school and at the aftercare program.  He’s a bit of a troublemaker.  These handful of situations (maybe 3 that I am aware of) haven’t been handled in what I deem to be a very effective manner.  The one for-instance I know of was a time when S2 claims to have inadvertently bumped into McBully in the line for lunch.  In response to this allegedly inadvertent bump, S2 was punched, kicked, and shoved to the ground.  Whoever was in charge at the time felt that moving McBully to another table for lunch was appropriate.  Me?  I think an assault like that warrants being sent home for a few days, no questions asked, but maybe I’m a little over-reactive, I dunno.  So, there’s your minimal background.

On Monday, January 26th, I picked up the boys from aftercare and asked them as I usually do, “How was your day today?” S2, looking forlorn, said, “My life sucks.” I asked him why.  He told me, “Johnny McBully again.” I was pissed.  S2 seemed so down about it and it made me very upset, though I didn’t show it.  I told him that I would handle it with the school and that I was unhappy with how things were handled so far.  In the meantime, I explained to him that whatever the story was, he had to tell me the complete truth (again) even if he did something wrong because if I approach the school and I find out the story is different than what he tells me, it would make any future situations very difficult to help him out with.   This approach is my effort to prevent “boy who cried wolf” situations from occurring.  It’s also my effort to make sure I don’t look like a complete jackass if I’m going to escalate the situation because my son set me up with misinformation.

The short version - during recess, S2 was playing with a friend and was approached by McBully and threatened.  Another boy intervened and defused the situation before anything physical occurred, but given how S2 was feeling many hours later at the end of the day, it was clear something more needed to be done.  I was not happy that my kid is going to school prepared to potentially have a run in with Johnny McBully.  I advised S2 to avoid McBully at all costs for the time being and that if McBully approached him for any reason - even a friendly one, he was to tell a teacher immediately that he wanted McBully to leave him alone.  Again, it stinks that I have to prepare my child for dealing with a bully as part of his daily routine, but it’s what needed to be done for now.

As I was pushing this to “urgent matter” status pertaining to the children, I informed PEW of what took place and that I was contacting the school about it the very next day.  Of course, PEW had to email the teacher and relayed the following:

LM,

Just letting you know.  I emailed Mrs. S2Teacher about S2 and this kid McBully.  She said she noticed that they don’t get along and keeps them separated as much as she can, but she is not at recess where most of the stuff is happening.  So I emailed Mrs. Principal and asked if maybe you or I could come observe at recess a few days to see what’s what.  Who knows, S2 is obviously letting himself get into the situations if he even gets close enough for stuff to happen.  I told him to stay away from McBully and he says he is.

~PEW

I did not reply. The next day, I did speak to the school’s guidance counselor. I called to speak to Mrs. Principal, but she was out of town on business, so I took the next person of importance after describing the situation briefly to the receptionist. Rather than give you a long explanation of our discussion, I will share with you the update I sent PEW which does it rather succinctly.

PEW,

In the absence of Mrs. Principal, I spoke to the Guidance Counselor, Mrs. Counselor. I laid out the situation about the ongoing and sustained bullying by Johnny McBully and our collective disappointment that whatever minimal sanctions that they’ve undertaken are clearly not effective.

She will initiate dialogue with Mrs. Principal upon her return and I will follow-up to see that’s happened (and if not, give the same schpiel to Mrs. Principal).

She also suggested that I call Mrs. Aftercareboss at Aftercare since some of these occurrences are happening there as well.

She will make an effort to see S2 today and see where his head is at. He was pretty upset yesterday, telling me when I picked him up at aftercare that McBully is “making my life suck.”

That’s where we stand at the moment.

~LM

It was a good discussion with Mrs. Counselor and I was fairly satisfied with her checking-in on S2 in the meantime. Then PEW sends back this delightful message…

LM,

Thanks for letting me know. I feel like calling the parents because I’m a crazy bee-atch or telling S2 the next time he touches him, to jump on top of him and just pummel him. I wonder where the adult supervision is when these things are happening. Mrs. Principal isn’t back until Thursday….I heard that from Mrs. S2Teacher.

~PEW

If only I could believe that she really believed she is a “crazy bee-atch.” And what is with her writing the non-word “bee-atch” to me on any matter, let alone a serious one? What is she? 12? Have I asked that question before?

I also appreciate her line of thinking. Yes, ordering our son to “pummel him” as a solution will help matters. Now, I’m no pacifist, but with the (usually) zero-tolerance extreme ways schools deal with some things nowadays, my preference is avoiding such situations if it’s reasonable to do so. I have no problem if my kid lays a beating on someone if it’s necessary to extract themselves from a situation where the absence of a beating to get out of it is “virtually” impossible. That should seriously limit the potential of their involvement in a physical altercation. PEW? Just get to the pummeling already!

What I wasn’t aware of, until after PEW forwarded me an email from Mrs. Principal, is that PEW also mailed her the same day she emailed Mrs. S2Teacher.

Mrs. Principal,

Sorry to have to contact you again about this, but all of last week S2 was complaining about Johnny McBully in his class again. Everyday last week when I picked him up, he was upset about some exchange between him and McBully. One day he said McBully pushed him and his back went into the thumbtacks sticking out of the board…another day he said McBully screamed in his face. Whatever is happening it’s having quite an impact on S2. I emailed Mrs. S2Teacher and she said she has noticed that they haven’t been getting along more than usual and does keep them separated as much as she can in the classroom, but most of the time things are happening at recess. I’m kind of at a loss and I’m thinking maybe I should come down a few days at recess time and see what’s going on. Maybe I can figure out where S2 is going wrong because I’ve already told him to steer clear if it’s that much of an issue and he’s telling me he is so I don’t know what else to do unless I see for myself.

Let me know what you think.

~PEW

Not bad. Not too bad at all. She even came dangerously close to considering that there is a possibility that S2 could have some culpability in the circumstances, however unlikely that may seem to be.

Dear PEW,

Thank you for sharing this information with me. I apologize for not getting back to you sooner but I was working outside of the district and did not have access to email. The icy weather negatively impacted travel across the state so I’m glad to be back safely!

Upon our return to school tomorrow, I will be meeting with the children and staff members involved to address this matter. In the meantime, I have contacted Mrs. S2Teacher in regard to this situation and she informed me that upon receipt of your email earlier in the week, she spoke to both boys privately and they shared similar concerns. McBully stated that S2 is bullying him and never wants to be his friend. S2 stated that McBully is not nice to him at recess and aftercare. She also indicated that she had no knowledge of any incident where S2 was pushed into a board with thumbtacks. In fact, she was confused as to what he was referring to because she doesn’t use thumb tacks anywhere in the classroom. She said that she puts everything up with tape or staples, including the hallway bulletin board decorations. Additionally, Mrs. S2Teacher tells me that she has not seen any major incidences with S2 and McBully in the classroom, nor have the Recess Assistants approached her about any incidents at recess. Nevertheless, she did speak to our guidance counselor Mrs. Counselor who will be meeting with S2 and McBully to discuss what is going on and help them with their conflict resolution and friendship skills.

Thank you for your patience and you can rest assured that I will follow-up promptly. Additionally, I will share the information/outcome with McBully’s parents as well as Mrs. Aftercareboss who is directly responsible for matters pertaining to aftercare. You can expect an update from me tomorrow.

I appreciate your ongoing support! Be safe in your travels!

Sincerely,
Mrs. Principal

To be continued in the Part 2 conclusion…