The Psycho Ex Wife

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In late May, Mr. M. announced that I would begin submitting articles to help you understand and cope with your ex-partner who may have borderline personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). (One in four individuals with BPD also has NPD.) I meant to make my first post before now, but better late than never.

I thought I would begin by disclosing that I’ve been in the role as the supporter of a man who sought visitation of an 11-year-old child, which was opposed by her mildly borderline mother. Like many supporters, I got very triggered and emotionally involved. It was the worse year of my life (not counting four years of high school, but that’s another story.)

Luckily, the dispute was resolved in my friend’s favor. I thought the rest of the years until she turned 18 would be a nightmare. But luckily, the mother realized that the oceans would not swallow up the earth should my friend be awarded visitation. In fact, she learned she got some time off. Today, the daughter is thirty-something and has a healthy marriage with a toddler and stepchild. She is happy and healthy, but has never disclosed her own perceptions of that year (I would have killed to know at the time) but I know much better than to ask.

I have many ideas about future postings, starting with the basics of BPD and NPD (because the two are so closely aligned). Today, I thought I would start briefly with a mantra you can all tell yourselves: It’s not that your own BPD PEW person WON”T act reasonably. It’s that he or she CAN’T. There is an enormous difference between WON’T and CAN’T. We will talk more about that later.

I am interested in knowing what you would like to hear about. Please drop me an email. I can’t address your specific problem (sorry) but I can talk about general issues.

Warmly,

Randi Kreger

Randi @BPDCentral.com

BPDCentral

A very enlightening article by Dr. Joseph M. Carver, PhD.  Please visit this site and read it.

Personality Disorders: The Controllers, Abusers, Manipulators, and Users in Relationships

An excerpt:

Chances are, you’re dealing with an individual with a personality disorder somewhere in your life — whether it’s your spouse, your parent, your co-worker…even your child. Dr Carver’s introduction to personality disorders in relationships puts the reality in plain English; more than just a list of diagnostic criteria, this explanation describes what it’s really like to be dealing with a personality disorder and offers tips for victims.

Dr. Carver has also written about “Identifying Losers in Relationships” and the problem of remaining in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship in an article entitled “Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser.”

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Typically, these people are of the “Cluster B” personality disorder types (there are A, B, and C).  Some definitions of each of those Cluster B types:

Antisocial Personality:  A pervasive pattern of disregard for the rights of others and rules of society. The Antisocial Personality ranges from individuals who are chronically irresponsible, unsupportive, con artists to those who have total disregard for the rights of others and commit criminal acts with no remorse, including those involving the death of victims. In clinical practice, the Antisocial Personality has near-total selfishness and typically has a pattern of legal problems, lying and deception, physical assault and intimidation, no regard for the safety of others, unwillingness to meet normal standards for work/support/parenting, and no remorse.

Borderline Personality:  A pervasive pattern of intense yet unstable relationships, mood, and self-perception. Impulse control is severely impaired. Common characteristics include panic fears of abandonment, unstable social relationships, unstable self-image, impulsive/self-damaging acts such as promiscuity/substance abuse/alcohol use, recurrent suicide thoughts/attempts, self-injury and self-mutilation, chronic feelings of emptiness, inappropriate yet intense anger, and fleeting paranoia.

Histrionic Personality:  A pervasive pattern of excessive emotional display and attention-seeking. Individuals with this personality are excessively dramatic and are often viewed by the public as the “Queen of drama” type of individual. They are often sexually seductive and highly manipulative in relationships.

Narcissistic Personality:  A pervasive preoccupation with admiration, entitlement, and egotism. Individuals with this personality exaggerate their accomplishments/talents, have a sense of entitlement, lack empathy or concern for others, are preoccupied with envy and jealousy, and have an arrogant attitude. Their sense of entitlement and inflated self-esteem are unrelated to real talent or accomplishments. They feel entitled to special attention, privileges, and consideration in social settings. This sense of entitlement also produces a feeling that they are entitled to punish those who do not provide their required respect, admiration, or attention.

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Thanks to “dragonmctt” for bringing this article to our attention.

I speak often of the eerie similarities I’ve seen, read, and experienced - all associated with the behaviors of the psycho-ex spouse.  I often joke that “they are all working from the same super-secret terror manual.” While somewhat morbidly humorous, with each passing day it’s hard not to believe that these people are following a script that details the behaviors necessary to create a maximum amount of terror for their targets.  Aside from the many blogs I read, our very own Psycho Ex-Wife Forums have yielded more of the same stories.  When you consider that our fledgling forums currently have just over 100 registered members, it’s still unnerving to see that nearly all of those who have contributed there have experienced not 1, not 2, but many of the same situations across a broad spectrum of topics.

Parental Alienation - though this can happen to varying degrees regardless of the divorce circumstances, some of the “subgroups” within this topic seem to be fairly common among disordered ex-spouses, whatever that disorder may or may not be.

• Bad-mouthing the ex.
• Making promises of fun times upon return from the ex, including trips, parties, etc.
• Buying gifts, animals, toys, games, etc. while the children are with the ex and telling the child about them so that the kids become focused on them and all they want to do is return to the psycho ex-spouse alienator.
• Other methods of undermining the parenting time of the “normal” ex by whatever means necessary in order to elicit a desire in the children to return to the psycho-ex.
• Bad-mouthing the new person in the normal ex’s life.

Clothing Issues.  This is another one of those bizarre subjects and one I was surprised to find is completely common.

• A failure to return to the normal ex, clothing sent over on or with the children to the psycho-ex’s residence.
• The psycho-ex disposes of the clothing sent over on/with the child.
• Sending the children to the normal ex that is dirty, torn, or ill-fitting.

The Psycho Ex wants the normal ex back.  This occurs despite unsupported claims of systematic abuse perpetrated on the psycho-ex (and/or the children of the marriage) by the normal ex.

• Pleas to return to the psycho-ex.
• Efforts to undermine a new relationship that the normal ex may now be involved in.
• Blaming the new partner in the normal ex’s life for the break-up of the marriage, even though that new person wasn’t even known to the normal spouse until after the demise of the marriage (and often telling the children the same.)
• Suggesting that the normal ex move-in with or move closer to the psycho ex in exchange for promises to offer more custodial time or drop child support issues.
• Send love letters or letters imploring the normal ex to remember “all of the wonderful, loving times” that they allegedly had together.

Employment similarities.

• The psycho ex is employed in some sort of child-care capacity (day-care, teacher or teacher’s assistant for instance).
• They are a psychologist or work in a psychologist’s office.
• They are a “counselor” of some sort.
• They work for a pediatrician.
• They work in the mental health field generally.

Custodial Interference.

• Failure to show up for exchanges, many times during important events (holidays, Father’s Day, birthdays, etc.)
• Making plans during the other parent’s custodial time that “prevents” the child from being exchanged for scheduled parenting time.
• Showing up at events scheduled during the normal ex’s custodial time and causing a scene or otherwise monopolizing the child’s time during that event.

The animal obsession.

• They have more than what is usually an acceptable number of pets: dogs, cats, birds, lizards, hermit crabs, gekkos, fish etc.  They can’t pay their bills, but have the money to (attempt to) care for all of these extraneous creatures.
• They buy and abandon and then buy another and abandon and then buy another and abandon dogs, cats, etc.
• Their homes reek of animal waste so the children do, too.  Or their clothes.  Or their bookbags.  And so on.

They call Child Protective Services on the normal ex.

• Repeatedly, despite CPS repeatedly finding the false claims to be just that - false (or in CPS terms “unsubstantiated”).
• Making other false accusations relating to the children and constantly threatening to do same.

They’re dying or have multiple, mysterious illnesses.  They usually never die nor do they ever spend any appreciable time (if any at all) at the hospital or otherwise laid-up.

• They have cancer.
• They’re having surgery for some unspecified condition.
• They are constantly going to the doctor or hospital and having tests for mystery illnesses.
• Nothing ever really ever really materializes, but they do tell the children that they are suffering from some debilitating disease which further entrenches the love and care from the children and their allegiance to the poor, suffering psycho ex.

Cellphone Issues.

They supply cellphones to the children and send them over to the normal ex’s home with them.  They often have camera phones.

• They have the children take pictures inside the normal ex’s home.
• They call and text excessively - at home, at school, at extra-curricular events and at all hours of the day and night.  This is also a form of custodial interference because they are “in the normal ex’s home” with unfettered access to the children and further undermines the time the children are to be spending with the normal ex.

They don’t like your household rules.

• They have few boundaries or expectations for the children, so anything you try to teach them is “boot camp.”
• You’re a control freak - this accusation often made as they make demands on you to control how you parent.
• They call normal situations that require respect, responsibility, and accountability - “child abuse.”

Stalking.

• They drive by the normal ex’s house or workplace.
• They vandalize the home or vehicles of the normal ex.
• They research the normal ex on the internet, stalking their blogs, businesses, or other projects.
• They have friends or family do the same.

This list isn’t all-inclusive.  If you were to go to the forums, of which there are just over 100 members at this time, a person who has not gone through what these people have gone through end up scratching their heads reading the similarities.  Many of the stories are so identical that you will often see the phrase “parallel lives” bandied about.

While discussing things over dinner last night, DW and I were talking about this very subject.  We still can’t get our heads around these uncanny similarities.  While we often speaking of their intellectual growth being stunted or stopped at age 6, 8, 10, 12, or whatever, we remain unconvinced that the explanation ends there.  DW wondered if there has been any studies done or brain scans of those with Borderline Personality Disorder (as an example) to see if literally if there is a particular section of the brain is damaged or otherwise malfunctioning.  Assuming there is, it must be relegated to the frontal lobe because they have absolutely no inhibitions the things they do generally.  They say what they want to say, do what they want to do, and they have no qualms about doing so.  There is that little something that is missing that is supposed to tell a normal human being, “STOP!  What you’re doing is wrong!”

Well, one such study reports: (Neurobehavioral Study of Borderline Personality Disorder)

The existence of an “organic” subgroup of borderline personality disorder (BPD) has been postulated. This report is of a case-controlled, chart-review study of BPD. The control sample consisted of patients with a variety of psychiatric diagnoses. The study found that 81% of the patients with BPD and 22% of the control patients had a history of brain injury, either developmental (44%), acquired (58%) or both. Furthermore, there was a positive correlation between the summed number of developmental and acquired brain injuries and the score on the retro-Diagnostic Interview for Borderline. A pilot neuropsychological study showed that seven of nine subjects with BPD had evidence of frontal system dysfunction. These results help to support the hypothesized existence of an organic BPD subgroup.

Still, it doesn’t satisfactorily explain just how similar in minute details these situations are amongst all these people.  Perhaps maybe they are part of a larger, secret terror society that does work out of a written manual full of these “standard operating procedures.”  I sure would like to find a copy.

Great site. I’ve been through an exhausting and terrifying four years myself. Just won sole custody of my son from my second wife, who was formally diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Depression. She is allowed only supervised parenting time. And the court is allowing my son and I to relocate to another state, to escape her and her family’s continual attacks. This after she and her Legal Aid attorney initially manipulated the court into upholding a fraudulent restraining order against me which granted her temporary custody of my son for one year, and control of my home, which she and her family then stripped of all belongings. In all, a resounding victory for our 3 y.o. son. But at a cost of almost $100,000 in legal fees for a trial that lasted over 7 months and consumed over 40 hours of court testimony.

I’m a physician — I should have known better. But I fell prey to her charms and her beauty. And there is a part of me that still cares for her, still loves her, and still wishes she could be “normal”, so that our son could have a healthy mother. Fortunately, she is now on psychotropic medications, and says she is in behavioral management therapy — I hope she means Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. On the other hand, my son tells me that she’s dating a new “victim” — I wish there were a way I could warn him.

My first marriage was to a sane woman, and the two of us ended our marriage amicably, always putting our child’s needs ahead of our own. But my second marriage…

My second wife, the BPD/NPD mother of my son, is a high-functioning, charming, intelligent, slender, tall, long-haired, beautiful woman, and 22 years younger than me. She was able to convince two Ph.D. psychologists that she has no mental illness. But she is a highly-skilled manipulator, and her comfort with deceit is terrifying. She plays the victim effortlessly. My fight was with her, her bipolar/BPD mother, and her true-believer, radical feminist, man-hating, racially-biased Legal Aid attorney. Here are some of the things that she, with the assistance of her mother and attorney, did:

– abducted my son across state lines, twice, once at 6 months of age, a second time when he was 2 y.o.;

– forwarded my personal US mail, including correspondence from my attorney, to her parent’s PO Box, then refused to return my mail;

– stripped my home of over $100,000 in belongings — art work, Persian rugs, etc., going so far as to remove light and shower fixtures;

– hacked into my web-based email accounts;

– intercepted privileged emails between myself and my attorney;

– fabricated threatening emails to her from me, after hacking into my email account;

– submitted fabricated evidence to the court;

– suppressed out-of-state police reports during the restraining order hearing;

– filed false police reports against me;

– filed false reports of child abuse with CPS and the police against me;

– had a girlfriend of hers send a letter to the custody evaluator accusing me of being an ex-felon and running an internet child pornography ring;

– hacked into my (formerly) secure FTP site where I stored all my case notes;

– and the worst: she and her mom programmed my son’s 8-y.o. maternal half-sister into making false allegations that I had sexually abused her, the little girl, by using a recording device to help her practice her sex abuse “story”, a story containing explicit, graphic descriptions of deviant sexual acts.

We were fortunate to have an incredibly insightful and committed jurist as our trier of fact. She found my ex to be not credible, to have made false allegations of abuse against her and the children, and to have committed child abuse by sponsoring her daughter to make false allegations of sex abuse against me. The judge ruled from the bench, and also wrote out detailed findings of fact, providing me hard copy documentation to provide to authorities the next time this unhealthy woman and her family make false allegations against me. We also had a very professional and unbiased custody evaluator.

I’m writing a detailed analysis of my experience, including my view of what seemed to contribute to our success in court. It’s in part a case study of [BPD] across three generations of women — the ex-wife, her mother, and her 8-y.o. daughter, and in part a case study of a successful legal strategy for litigating against an ill-intentioned BPD family and their true-believer attorney.

~SingleHWNDad

SingleHWNDad,

What an incredible, but believable story. I hope that when you complete your analysis, you write a book or publish your findings… and send me a copy!

We hope and pray that you and your son can heal and grow after the experiences. Always remain on guard.

Sincerely,
DW & LM