The Psycho Ex Wife

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You might say that this is a stretch, but for all of the experiences that followed, I can find the groundwork for the antics being laid in these earlyish email exchanges.  Her regularly pleading with me to agree to minimize my custodial time… her forthcoming scare tactics and involvement of her “big bad family” members… the flip remarks about me giving up my parental rights… it’s all the same pattern and one seen all over the country and world.  Gate-keeping mom pushing dad out of the children’s lives.

It’s still early March 2005 when this first email that was part of the whole support/custody/job/relocation monster-post occurred.  I made a reference to it in that post, but didn’t address it fully.  This was split out into the pertinent parts between us…

PEW:

I’m sorry things are so crazy for you right now. I think it’s better if we don’t talk at all because I think you are stressed and I think you are taking it out on me.

LM:

I know that this is what you want to believe, but I am not stressed and I am not taking anything “out” on you. I understand if you don’t want to talk via phone and can appreciate that, but I reiterate that the only thing I was unwilling to discuss with you were those things that were irrelevant to the issue at hand, which I’ve already detailed for you, otherwise, I have no problem talking with you on the phone.

PEW:

You moved to [home-state] LM, to be with DW. That’s great for you, but it shouldn’t effect the boys or me in such a profound way, like with the schedule you are requesting.

LM:

I moved to [home-state] for a variety of reasons, PEW. And despite your assertions to the contrary, you grossly overstate how “cumbersome” that this will be on the children. They are excited to visit me here. They are excited to visit their new friends here. Your decision to bail out on the marriage instead of working on it more than a year ago shouldn’t affect the boys or me in such a profound way, but it has. Again, it’s all too convenient for you to pigeonhole circumstances to constantly lay the blame on everything at my feet.

PEW:

We need to start getting along better. You are being unreasonable right now and it is preventing us from working on the coparenting we are supposed to be working on.

LM:

We sure do need to get along better. Your constant efforts to stonewall me and minimize the limited amount of time I already get with S1 and S2 is not “in their best interests.” It’s only in yours. I’m sad and very sorry that you think that 2 months of primary custody with their father during the Summer is being unreasonable. Very sad.

This needs no further explanation. Adding to this discussion hours later was the first signs of trouble that would involve her family.

PEW:

Also, when you call to pick up the kids this weekend, I wouldn’t expect a warm reception from my parents.

LM:

All that is required of your parents is decorum in the presence of the children. Nothing more, nothing less. It is the same courtesy that my family would afford you.

Also, I might not be able to get up there this weekend, so perhaps they won’t have to concern themselves with controlling themselves when I come to pick up S1 and S2.

How frigging hard is it for two grown people to just bring the kids to the door and shut their fat yappers? Ooops! I forgot the family with whom I’m dealing.

It wasn’t long before she did even more maddening things. In an email titled “FYI on the Kids” and later changed to “Anxiety” - I get this…

PEW:

S1 threw up in school today in the morning. I had to go pick him up. No fever, he seems totally fine. Interestingly enough though, on the way to school, he said “boy, the summer is going to be here soon” I said yeah, he said “Am I going to Daddy’s this summer” I said yes, but I wasn’t sure how much of the summer. I said Daddy wants you guys to spend all summer with him, but I want some of the summer too. S1 said “S2 would be too upset without you Mommy” S1 said “I’d probably be ok though”……but then went to school and threw up. Is it anxiety? I wonder.

Wonderful. She tells the kids “Daddy wants you guys to spend all summer with him, but I want some of the summer, too.” What a disgusting, disgraceful LIE to tell the children. Nothing like planting to the seeds of demon-dad in their heads early, right? I’m also certain that she laid that heaviosity on them with her usual dramatic flair, enough to probably scare the shit right out of them. I was pissed…

LM:

Trust me, I understand that these life changes impact everyone. But one thing that has been repeatedly told us by counselors and I have repeatedly asked of you… is not to share the specific details of things that we have at issue with the children.

When S1 asks me about arrangements, my simple and appropriate response is, “Mommy and Daddy are working out the arrangements regarding the time you’ll be spending with each of us. We both love you very much and are going to make sure we work out the details as soon as we can.”

Your telling him how much I want the children versus how much time you want them (or don’t want to be without them) is COMPLETELY inappropriate and is likely a significant contributing factor to any anxiety he may have suffered this morning.

I implore you not to share with our boys the details of anything that we are not in agreement on. And I assure you that there isn’t a counselor in the world who would agree that the exchange as you described it above was in any way appropriate material to discuss with a 6-year old.

Rather restrained if I do say so myself. Of course, she doesn’t get it (because she lacks the maturity and intelligence to get it)…

PEW:

Listen, all of the counselors told US to answer the questions as honestly as possible. It’s a little hard for me to lie about this since you are turning our lives upside down. You don’t tell me what to do….Got it. I tell the boys that WE love them everyday, several times a day. I’m here for them always. I take them to school everyday, to the doctor’s everytime, I do it all. I don’t date, I don’t go out. I am totally committed to my children. I told S1 because he asked and I wanted to hear his opinion. He doesn’t want to go to your house all summer, but he’ll do it if he can spare S2….to keep you happy. You are pathetic and selfish. Of course they want to visit you, but their home is here….with me and that is the way THEY feel, not because of anything that I did, but because of the situation that YOU created. I’m sure you genuinely miss them, but that shouldn’t be your deciding factor in what they do for the summer. You decided to move, not them, not me…..YOU. Now please don’t ever preach to me again now that you are a long distance father.

Isn’t she just frightening? Worthy of quick mention here, with regard to her “total commitment” to the children (expressed in a rather disturbing way) is her contention that she doesn’t date. Not only was she dating (remember back to the mutual disclosure that we had been seeing other people back in January of 2005), but would reiterate that only a week or so from this date, which was around 3/8/2005.

Love her martyr routine, though. If they gave out Oscars for “creative writing” - she would certainly be up for an award. At risk of sounding like an insane parrot, notice again her contention that the things I do turn everyone’s life upside-down. Nothing she has done, including initiating the destruction of the family via divorce - has apparently had any impact in her mind.

LM:

You turned everyone’s lives upside with your decision to destroy the marriage. You only allege to be “honest” about things when you can portray me as a bad guy, which is the usual…

The counselors specifically said NOT to share with them “adult issues” and disagreements between us. THAT is the fact. You are sharing our “adult disagreement details” with the children, an absolute no-no in the eyes of the counselors. Additionally, it’s clearly an attempt to portray me as the “bad guy” to the boys, just as was the agreement to allow them to visit with me, and then after I tell them so, you rescind your agreement with a bunch of conflicting excuses.

Honesty is telling the boys that you and I are working out the details. Telling the children that I want to keep them all Summer while intimating that you wouldn’t see them is not only COMPLETELY inaccurate, it’s playing on the psyche of the children, and not in a nice way.

If you want to continue to poison the children against their father, that is your prerogative, but don’t think I’ll sit idly by and allow you to do it.

As if I didn’t have enough fears about my life and how much involvement I would have with the children, these are the types of things that the “normal” parent fears when it comes to situations like this. Why? There is NOTHING you can do to stop it. Even if you’re fortunate enough to have someone recognize parental alienation efforts AND, in rare recent cases in the news, get help addressing it, it’s normally years down the road after substantial damage has been done to the children. Further, it will probably be years more to undo the damage. Clearly from my response, I’m irate.

PEW:

I told S1 you and I were working it out, just like we always do and it’s nothing he needs to worry about. I never portray you as a BAD GUY. How paranoid are you to say I am “poisoning the children against their father” That is far from the truth and you know it. I never say anything bad about you so don’t start making up more stuff to bolster another case.

Playing on the psyche of the children??? Me???? You are a joke!!!

Liar. Liar. Liar. She knows exactly what she’s doing. Worse, she throws it in my face by being so bold as to tell me about it by sending me details via email. Sick, twisted, bitch.

LM:

That’s not what you wrote in the email. Telling him that I want the boys “all Summer” but you want them “some of the time” paints a clear picture, PEW. Additionally, what you did tell him is not the truth. Stop acting like S1 doesn’t understand that. I ask you again, the details of what we disagree on is not something you should be sharing with the children. There isn’t a counselor in the world worth his/her salt that would tell you differently. The fact that you and I are working out the arrangements is all they need to know at this age. You know it. I know it.

PEW:

I originally gave you the jist fo the conversation….then when you started flipping out I told you the rest of how it went. Are you ever going to stop torturing me? Is this what I have to look forward to till the boys are 18?

I’m a good mother, please do not infer otherwise because I never disparrage your fathering.

Oh, dear… the “I’m a good mother” card! Truth is, she told me exactly how the conversation went between her and S1. Now, she’s trying to say it was something different.

These were going to be some scary times. Yes, it was also one of the considerations I had to take into account before making my decision to take the new job and move. Even then, not yet realizing what the hell was wrong with this girlwoman, I knew that these issues would be forthcoming no matter where I lived.

I also knew that my move-away very likely weakened my position on custody, but I had to try to make the best of my circumstances. I was only asking for time that was appropriately available to me under the circumstances. She had just about all the money in a settlement she was ever going to get. She had just about all the money she was ever going to get via child support… and it still wasn’t/isn’t enough. It’s hard to imagine what drove her then to do these things and cause all this strife after getting the divorce she claims to have so desperately wanted for so long. Still, with her and far too many high-conflict ex-spouses (usually at the expense of fathers and children), the answer really boils down to:

PUNISHMENT AND REVENGE for things perpetrated against her, real or imagined. Nothing seems to stop them from doing what they do and the only people who suffer for it is everyone else.

After breaking the news on the job and relocation, settlement on the marital home was coming fast - the last day of February 2005.   We would engage in arguments about all kinds of minutia in the days leading up to settlement day.

PEW,

Writing to let you know that L&I required a curb repair. Most places had a minimum repair requirement and then I found PF Concrete and Masonry (who were doing work for the exact same reason in the neighborhood).

I received a quote for $875, which is $625 cheaper than any of the other estimates I’ve received.

I let [realtor] know that things were kind of “tight” for the both of us. Additionally, PF agreed to take payment post-settlement even though he is going to schedule to do the curb repair next week.

Also - I will be sending [realtor] a copy of our settlement agreement (for the title company) so that the disbursement of funds is handled appropriately at settlement.

Let me know if you have any questions.

~LM

She replied simply, “Great.” A few days later she left me a voice mail asking about changing the time of the settlement, which was a mere 6-days away.

PEW,

[Realtor] can’t get a switch from the 2:30 settlement on Monday due to the flurry of settlement activity with realtors and title companies and such. Also, he strongly recommended that we pay for the $875 sidewalk repair ourselves, so I don’t know if you want to give me half or have me give you half to take care of payment. Whatever you’re comfortable with.

Also, didn’t know if you wanted to broach the subject of a March schedule, but I figured I might as well toss it out there. I was hoping to do the every other weekend thing starting with the weekend of March 11th. I would pick them up around bedtime and return them to you on Sunday evening (13th). Let me know.

~LM

Her reply…

LM,

I need the address where you will be taking them. It would be nice to know DW’s full name too. I would like to meet her too, especially if she is going to be spending time alone with the kids. I know nothing about her. (nor do you)

For now, you can have them one weekend in March. If you are not happy with that you can file with the courts. It’s too much for them in a month to be strapped in a car seat for 16 hours in a month. Not to mention the fact that it is putting them at an increased risk of being in a car accident. If you come up to [custody state] any of the other weekends, you are welcome to have the kids.

As far as the sidewalk, what do you mean? I thought we were splitting it post settlement? I don’t have $400.00.

So as of now, I’d say the weekend of the 11th is fine. Beyond that, we need to make an agreement. I’d appreciate if you wouldn’t make me spend another $5000 trying to work this custody and support out. I’m trying to find a home for the boys now. If you really care….you’ll do the right thing. Because of all your other antics, which are moot points now because you’re leaving town. I am in debt for $20000.00. If I have to spend more of the money i am getting from the house, the boys and I will wind up having to stay in this little apartment. This is absolutely ridiculous and you know it.

~PEW

Here began her dictating when she would “allow” me to see the children. I would eventually counter that by telling her that the current order remained in full force and effect until a new order was agreed to or ruled upon by a judge.

Without a reply from me, another one soon followed…

LM,

I just thought of something else. How good will this be for the kids? You are working all day friday, then you get out of work, drive 4 hours to immediately turn around and drive another 4 hours. The kids don’t get to bed till midnight. Why are you doing this? to them? to yourself? I’m going to be worried sick that you’ll fall asleep at the wheel or something. LM, I don’t want you to move. I want you to have as much time with the boys as possible, but this is NOT OK with me. Do you realize what you are doing? I honestly don’t know about the weekend of the 11th now. I have to talk to [my attorney]. You and I do not have an agreement with you living 4 hours away. I’m sorry, no judge is going to fault me for that.

~PEW

I couldn’t tell you that they aren’t relatively legitimate concerns and ones I had considered. I was prepared to do what was necessary to stay in my children’s lives, at least as much as the family court system and my own choices would allow it. We certainly weren’t going to know until we tried it.

At the time, the kids’ ages were young enough that they still required an afternoon nap. So, I had rationalized that when I picked them up at bedtime, they would fall to sleep in the van. When I got home, I’d simply carry them to bed and they would be none the worse for wear. On my return trips on Sunday, they would tend to fall asleep in the van and be returned to mom well-rested.

I replied and gave her DW’s full name and address in addition to our phone number. Additionally, I wrote…

(more…)

ALERT: This is a history post! Taking you back to early February 2005.

The second week of February in 2005, I broke the news to PEW about accepting a new position and relocating nearly 4-hours away. I took advantage of being in the counselor’s office to disclose this news. There would need to be a modification of custody. There was already pending a child support modification as she had followed-through on her threat to file for a child support modification (and breaking her promise to not file if I would settle). She freaked out. I was “doing this to her” and I was “abandoning the children” and how could I do this to her and them.

As if this was something that was easy for me. I spent several nights worrying, crying, physically ill (vomiting), trying to come to grips with the decisions I was making. Staying or going - either way was a total mess and would result in less time with the children. I mention in the Decisions, Decisions post that in terms custody - there were only a few differences between being 45-minutes away and being 240-minutes away.

The focus was on how to share the news with the children. After our discussions, I received and email from PEW that was, strangely enough, copied to her attorney.

LM,

In reference to our discussion on Friday night about making time to sit down and tell the boys about your move to [home state], I spoke to some of the therapists here at my work, as well as some of the counselors here is what their thoughts were:

At ages 3 and 6, this transition should be as seamless as possible for the boys.  Making a dramatic announcement, like “Daddy is moving [away]” may be confusing to them. Especially S2 who has no concept of how far [home state] is.

They already know you are moving because the house is sold, so maybe for their sakes we need to downplay the significance of your move.  We should answer their questions as they come up, as honestly as possible.

So with regard to announcing the move, my thoughts are that we not have a family “sit down” because it may be traumatic for them. I think we should slowly prepare them over the next few weeks and discuss it with [Counselor J] the family therapist and ask him for some pointers on how we accomplish this with as little upsetment to S1 and S2 as possible. I don’t think they need to witness the drama of how upset you or I are with this move.

I’ve heard preliminary info from [my attorney] on your proposed custody change and my thoughts so far are: Is it fair to S1 and S2 to have them travel 1200 miles per month? Also, have you considered the fact that 12 hours per month on the [highways] is significantly increasing their risk for being involved in a car accident?

As always, I am going to proceed with the best interest of the children in mind. Obviously keeping in mind that I want them to have enough time with their father, but they are the innocent victims in this situation and we need to make this as easy as possible.

I will be consulting with the therapist and my lawyer and then [my attorney] will be in touch with [your attorney]

~PEW

Aside from calling the children “victims” - I thought the approach suggested was fine and told her so.

PEW,

I absolutely agree with making it as seamless as possible, just like anything else we’ve had to deal with to this point. Do know that my intention was not to sit down and make some “dramatic announcement.” Just an explanation that a work change for dad means that they will likely be spending more time with mom in the immediate future and a little less time with dad… but that they would still be talking to me everyday, etc.

I have no problem with waiting until we speak to Counselor J to get his thoughts on the approach. Seems like a fine idea.

~LM

So, it would seem we are in agreement on the approach we should take in terms of breaking the news of the latest changes in what seemed like a flurry of them to the children. She then replied…

LM,

Well if you can tell them without becoming emotional about the situation then I think it is best that you handle it without me and I’ll talk to them about it when they come back to me.

~PEW

Of course I can. Since the only one who seems to be able to convey things to the children in an age-appropriate, non-scary fashion throughout the whole mess was me. Taking advantage of her suggestion, I had the difficult discussion with the boys and then summarized it to her via email.

PEW,

I kept it simple and positive per Counselor J’s confirmation of my approach.

• I told them that Dad took a new job and that the new job required me to move to [home state]. I told them that you know all about it.
• They both seemed to understand that given that they know where [home state] is.
• I told them that means that they would be spending a bit more time with Mom for the time being and that you and I were working out how to manage how we get to visits.

I’m sure S2 didn’t quite understand even though he did acknowledge it. S1 was a little upset because he said he knew that this means less time with me. I reassured him and we hugged. I explained to him that we both still love him more than ever. I will still see him regularly and that I will call him all the time just like I do now and that after school is over, you and I are working on arrangements for me to see them more.

I told them further that if they had any questions that they wanted to ask either you or me to not be afraid to ask.

At this point, I can only hope that you are able to assist me in trying to keep this latest transition as positive as possible and that you continue to convey to them as I have that we both love them with all of our hearts and they you and I will manage the situation as best we can for the two of them.

~LM

In the aftermath of all of this, PEW will ramp up in a variety of different ways. From thwarting custody settlement attempts, to targeting and/or making fun of DW, to causing problems with alienation, the settlement of the sale of the marital home at the end of the month of February - the craziness really begins to take off.

The next 2005 installment will be arguing over immediate custody scheduling and other small issues surrounding the settlement of the marital residence.

As most readers know, I’m trying to close the gap between the history and the current events.  The last post I had for 2005 was offering the 2005 Journal post, dropping some of the events of that time in place so that I could get to the discussion of the difficult time and difficult decisions I made given the circumstances at the time.  You can read the history by clicking on the year labels on the right hand side of the blog if you want to review the overall chronology of events.  All of 2005 can be found, for instance, by clicking on: 2005 Label.

Faced with depleted resources, a grossly unfavorable custody evaluation, threats of an increase in child support, the sale of the marital home with no meaningful options for a place to live (due to limited funds)… I was under tremendous pressure from every side to get my life situation in order.

Late in January 2005, I received a call from a guy with whom I had previous interaction on a project at the job I then had.  He was a project manager for something my company was working on several years earlier.

This is where my story becomes completely implausible for pretty much everyone.  Friends, family, the judge, PEW - everyone.  This, I understand completely.  Still, it is the truth.

This contact, we’ll call him “Larry,” was the Vice President of the company that I would soon join, leaving my job of 11-years at the time.  Larry was leaving the company and they were in the midst of a project that I happened to be an “expert” in and he was wondering if I would consider applying to replace him.  While I wouldn’t be brought in as a VP, there was future opportunity for me to grow into that position over time, perhaps rather quickly.  I was intrigued and conflicted.  I would be coming in and taking a lot of his responsibility - primarily for this project which was critical to retaining business in the market that made up 100% of their business.  A huge opportunity.

What’s so implausible about that?

1. The timing.
2. The money.
3. The fact that this business was located 5-minutes from where DW lived.

Obviously, all tied together and given the proximity to DW, this breaks the implausibility meter into a million pieces.  However, it’s the truth.

I had a great deal of success at the company I was working for at the time.  I always wanted to ascend to a VP position, but was stuck where I was.  Still, I was well-liked, well-respected, and counted on to get some tough things done for improving the company.  The pay was very good, but given what I was facing on the personal front and the difficult finding appropriate living arrangements that would work with the 11-days/month I had with the children (and living under threats of seeing that reduced further by PEW who was wielding the custody evaluator’s recommendations like an iron-mace) - I would look into the opportunity.

The new prospect offered me a “working interview.”  This was something I had never experienced before.  Essentially, they were going to pay me to work on-site for 3-days (very good money).  I would get to evaluate the company and they, in turn, would get to evaluate me.  So, I took 3 vacation days to do this.  It wouldn’t cost me much more than gas money because I could stay at DW’s place during this interview.  It would occur in early February of 2005.

The company was relatively new and profitable.  A division of a very large, German-owned company with a lot of resources.  They had just expanded the facility, doubling its size.  They appeared to have great, knowledgable employees, a solid senior management staff, and tremendous financial and technical backing from the parent company.

During negotiations, I did almost everything I could to make them not hire me.  I asked for $5,000 more than they initially offered me.  I asked them to give me health insurance immediately rather than waiting the 90-day probationary period.  I asked them for a specific amount in a raise which I required would be payable no later than 6-months if I met the objectives that we had discussed in that time-frame.  I asked them for 4-weeks vacation immediately instead of nothing for the first year.  I explained to them in too much detail my personal situation and the forthcoming known court dates for which I would have to leave work (2 or 3 at the time) and asked that it be put in writing that these absences would not be used against me during the review of my “probationary period.”  (One of those dates would be a mere 8 days after the date they wanted me to start.)  They had to agree to let me leave work at 4PM on Fridays every other week in order for me to exercise my parenting time, which would allow me to arrive at a reasonable hour to get the children.  Long-story shortened… they agreed to everything demand except they offered me 3-weeks vacation immediately instead of 4.  They wanted me to start immediately.

Before accepting the position, DW and I had lengthy discussions about what this would mean.  This potential advancement in our relationship was about to happen WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY faster than either of us anticipated.  Details on this were inconsequential, if I was going to take this position, I would be moving in with her.

My primary motivation for moving ahead and making such a significant change which would mean losing approximately 5-days per month with the boys - was financial.   I had a done a rather exhaustive financial analysis and there was just no way for me to come even close to making ends meet staying in custody-state with a $1,200+ child support figure staring me in the face.  At the height of the real estate boom, rent prices were out of control, too… and my minimal living options meant I would be losing those days with the kids anyway.  In the custody-state, even the unaffordable options I had available to me were 45-minutes or more away from where the kids were going to school… so 4-hours or 45-minutes had the same impact on my custody situation.  The only reason I had the 11-days I was afforded is because we lived about 10-minutes from one another, me in the marital home which PEW wouldn’t allow me to retain, and her in her new apartment.  However, splitting living expenses with DW in a locality that had a significantly lower standard of living meant I could meet the financial obligations that were about to be imposed on me in the form of child support, still be able to try and save money for their future and mine, and also grow my relationship with DW, who fully supported whichever decision I would ultimately make.

I felt up against the wall.  In less than three weeks I was to make settlement on the marital home and I had no place to live and the prospects in custody state weren’t very good.  I was going to be relegated to every-other-weekend dad (and hopefully some extra time in the summers, holidays, etc) regardless of where I lived and worked.

I accepted the position, telling the new company that I could start on March 1st, 2005 (about 3-weeks from the interview process) because I had loose ends to tie up and to get whatever crap I had left after trashing and downsizing the marital home moved down to DW’s place.   I couldn’t turn down the money and the possibility of accelerated advancement to a VP position - this opportunity meant that I could actually make ends-meet, avoid the punitive punishments associated with not being able to make the steep child support payments facing me, and then DW and I would figure out how to manage our lives and respective custody arrangements over several states and with one completely crazy psycho ex-wife.

Next update for 2005, when I get around to it, is the fallout from disclosing to PEW what was taking place.

Updating from the bizarre contact replete with strange text messages from the PEW back in the early summer - there is some recent news on the home foreclosure front.

We’ve recently discovered that she somehow managed to get out from under the looming foreclosure proceedings.  This occurred just last week as a matter of fact.  I don’t know from who or where she was bailed out, but I know that as of August, she had about 6-months of non-payment of her mortgage at issue.  I’m sure a part of it is the reality that Psycho ex-SIL is living there and probably paying her some rent, but it can’t all be the answer.  6 months (or more) of past-due mortgage is a substantial sum of money.

In any event, it matters not to me how it was accomplished, what matters to me is that I don’t have to be worried about the boys being moved (with her) for the 4th time in as many years and that some small measure of stability has been returned to that situation.  (If I were a betting man, I’d guess Psycho ex-SIL fraudulently obtained some new settlement and bought into the house in some measure.  She recently also got a brand-new car and given her financial background, it’s not an unreasonable assumption that she exploited some organization for a lump-sum payment for something… again.)

Of course, she’ll probably spend like Rockefeller this holiday season with other people’s money and be right back in the same boat in Q1 of 2009.