The Psycho Ex Wife

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I notice one interesting phenomenon when I deal with folks who are going through divorce, or a modification of their existing divorce order, and one of the parties is “psycho”. Now, I put that label in quotes, because there are actually three kinds:

1. The one where both parties are still in the “divorce crazy” phase; and sometimes one is more noticeably in that phase than the other;
2. The one where the party being called “psycho” really is not – it’s merely one more disparaging term used by an exasperated ex-spouse, or their attorney;
3. The one where one of the parties truly is mentally ill, whether actually diagnosed, treated, or not.

In this particular post, I’m going to address that third type.

I’m going to start with my own personal experience. My children’s father was not a high-conflict personality – but he was indeed (diagnosed) mentally ill. His behavior during our marriage became verifiably dangerous, especially toward the children. I, meanwhile, was determined to be the long-suffering stick-together-through-it-all wife… even though my husband was clearly harming our children, and even though he was not receiving the mental health treatment he desperately needed.

Our divorce was inevitable. Also inevitable was my attitude of absolute innocence. The end of our marriage was clearly 100% his fault, if fault could be assigned anywhere at all. Clearly, there was nothing I could do to prevent the downfall of our marriage, and clearly, I was a victim. Of circumstance, of an insidious illness, of my violent husband. And so, as I journeyed through my post-divorce healing period, I saw no reason to stand up and take accountability for my own part in creating the current situation. From where I sat, I had no accountability to take. I hadn’t created this.

And with this mindset, I cheated myself. I robbed myself of valuable growth, I set myself up for repeated relationship failures (can you spell “jerk-magnet”?), and I inadvertently taught my children that it was better to avoid accountability than own up to their behavior.

I have noticed that in my Divorce Coach practice, a good many of my clients are inclined to do this same thing. It becomes very easy to blame the psycho ex-wife or psycho ex-husband for everything that subsequently goes wrong, without owning your part in the behaviors and the outcomes that result.

For example: do the kids fight? (more…)

If you’re dealing with a psycho ex-wife or ex-husband, you’re sure to experience a level of projection, false accusations, general chaos, and terror that few will truly believe without having experienced it themselves.  The following examples of what you likely have experienced is not all-inclusive, but it will serve as a foundation for what you’ve gone through.  If you’re about to go through a divorce and/or custody matter with a psycho ex, consider this a primer for what you will go through for some time to come.

Everything I believe is truth: If it wasn’t true, how could I believe it? Proof you say? There is no need for proof, I believe it so it must be so. And because I believe it, everyone that loves me also believes it.

Everyone else is responsible for my faults: I’m perfect, and those things that aren’t perfect in my life are someone else’s fault. I overeat because of you, I spend too much because of you, I never went to college because of you, I lost my job because of you, the Judge ruled against me because you manipulated them.  This list can go on forever.

(more…)

When we last left Part 1 - Child Custody Schedule Change Difficulties… PEW’s edict was for me to tell my CEO that I can’t make the training class for which I was scheduled.  We had an “agreed schedule” and she wasn’t changing to help me out.  Nevermind that having and keeping a job meant she was helped out and, more importantly, the children were helped out.  Of course, she never was one for thinking beyond herself.   We continued on into our third day of email exchanges on July 11, 2006…

PEW,

And what “agreed” summer schedule do we have? 2-weeks on/2-weeks off, with no dates set specifically. The minor adjustment I’ve suggested is a matter of 3-days. Beyond that, it’s still 2-weeks on/2-weeks off.

You wouldn’t do 1-week on/1-week off, even though the children expressed a preference to do so. And why? Because of money and inconvenience for you. It had NOTHING to do with the children as usual. It’s about the gas and the tolls and the mileage… it’s all about PEW.

You put on a show for me at the support conference, about how destitute you are and how much money that this is costing you and how you don’t want to go to court for anything, let alone the support matter. So in an effort to make things peaceful, I not only concede [several thousand dollars] (conservatively) in credits, I offer to pay school schedule money June 1st. Remember? That was me not “doing anything for you or the children.” I respectfully ask for a very minor adjustment to the summer schedule and you jam it in my ear with as much vitriol as you can muster via email.

This is about the omnipotent PEW, showing how she expects a company to bow to her whims, not because it is detrimental for the children, but just because she wants to demonstrate just how tough she can be. I can almost see you sitting there gleefully patting yourself on the back about how you can make everyone else bow to your whims for no other reason than you can.

I told you, this is not an “emergency.” Regardless of whether or not the trip can be rescheduled, the children will be well taken care of. I just want you to keep writing back and showing me just how little regard you have for what is best for the kids.

This is a minor adjustment, PEW. Very minor. Camps at both homes can accommodate adjustments, you’ve already acknowledged that. They would actually gain an extra field trip at camp here with the adjustment, so there is a bit of a benefit to them, including a trip to a huge waterpark that they’ve wanted to attend. There is no harm to the children to my knowledge that can come with such an adjustment, so that’s not the reason.   It has no impact on your work schedule, so that’s not it.

What it boils down to, as usual with you, PEW… is that you do this because you are the one who has this compulsive need to make every little situation adversarial… except those which benefit only you, as exhibited by the support conference charade you put on.

If my assessment regarding the impact (or lack thereof) of such a change is incorrect, please, by all means let me know what negative consequences would arise from such an adjustment.

~LM

Well, it certainly can’t have been expected to be helpful, but it certainly gets right to the point.

LM,

just do your parental duty for a change….that’s all I’m asking….I’m not changing the summer schedule

i feel so sorry for the boys that not only do you put DW in front of them but you also put your job ahead of them on the priority list….you need serious help

~PEW

Well, she did get most of the usual accusations in there.  I’m disappointed because clearly she could have worked another “limp-dicked faggot, deadbeat, everything happened because you moved” series of accusations in there.

PEW,

As always, I will do my parental duty. Why again won’t you change the summer schedule?

~LM

You, PEW are cordially invited to escalate.  Please RSVP as nastily as you can muster to the above email address ASAP.

LM,

I won’t change it because you are a LOSER

~PEW

Well, you picked him!

LM,

I know that’s what you’d like to believe, but the reality is, that you put money, convenience, and your extremely volatile demeanor ahead of your children.

Allow me to show you why that is the reality:

- You have the option of doing the right thing because doing so causes no inconvenience that you have been able to articulate. The CHILDREN are happy, I am happy, work is happy, you should be happy because you’ve done the right thing for everyone involved at no personal inconvenience to you. It costs you no additional money. It costs you no additional mileage on your vehicle. It doesn’t make you miss any time off from work. It’s just about being vindictive.

- Ironically, DW quite often steps up to the plate, particularly when their mother repeatedly fails to do so. She’s happily volunteered to help out in this situation. She’s often taken the rides to pick up and deliver the children to ensure their safety. She’s often voluntarily rescheduled her own things to accommodate last-second “I don’t have a babysitter can you take the kids” requests from you. Fishing trips, museums, water-park visits… and the list goes on. Of course, she does this with her ex-husband as well, because neither of them is vindictive to one another.  Their priorities lie with making adjustments to the benefit of everyone, but most especially the children.

Not jumping up and canceling this trip on your orders isn’t making work a priority over the children. The fact that I’ve chosen to work with you to make a suitable adjustment with the hopes of minimal or no impact on us goes directly to making the children the priority. Conversely, your failure to consider the kids perfectly describes in you what you have repeatedly attempted to make me… that is… one who very often fails to consider the children and only considers what will satiate her warped desire to make everything contentious. Way to put yourself ahead of the kids again.

I say again… If my assessment regarding the impact (or lack thereof) of such a change is incorrect, please, by all means let me know what negative consequences would arise from such an adjustment.

~LM

She’s rather impervious to logic and reality.  I imagine that living in her painful fantasy world has some apparent benefits to her, though I’m hard-pressed to understand exactly what those benefits would be.

LM,

I’ll tell you what…..I’ll rearrange the summer schedule if you settle on the custody thing and reimburse me for half of my legal fees…..that would be about $15000……… That’s the only way I’ll change the current schedule. If you’re not interested in that, there’s nothing left to discuss.

Also, I’m not disputing anything regarding DW. She’s ok in my book.

FYI, I don’t put anything ahead of the children. Not work, not dates, not friends, nothing…..my world revolves around them when they are in my custody. It should be that way for you too. I’m not being vindictive by not helping you out….I’m simply giving you the same courtesy you gave me ALL year, everytime I needed a hand. You never gave me any explanations.

~PEW

Here several things stand out.

1. The same person here who claims that she puts nothing ahead of the children - is refusing to adjust the schedule because she “has plans” for that week that are set in stone.  So much for not putting anything ahead of the children.
2. There’s that creepy “MY WORLD REVOLVES AROUND THEM” language that only PEW’s believe is a badge of honor and the epitome of motherhood merely by their utterance.
3. DW is okay in her book, and then not okay, and then okay, and then not okay…
4. Her continued claim that I “never” gave her a hand contradicts her earlier claim that I helped her out once, and both are false.  I offered to help her many times, but most were turned away as they weren’t on her terms.
5. And last, but certainly not least - never, ever, ever forget for whom this is “all about money.” If there is money to be extorted, cheated for, lied to obtain - she’ll do it.  She’s done it.

PEW,

Your legal fees exist because of the actions and lack of actions you have chosen to take since the day you decided to end the marriage. I promise you, if I could have back for both of us our life savings, money earmarked for colleges, retirements, etc. - I would do it. However, your filing for primary custody, your filing for school changes, your injunctions and subpoenas, forcing the sale of the home instead of accepting a reasonable settlement so that the children’s lives were minimally impacted… are of your own doing. Anytime I have not been able to assist you in one of your last-minute circumstances, I have given you explanation. When arrangements were made to help you out during a week you were in a pinch, you refused to take me up on them because it meant you having to meet me at [half-way point] during a work-night. Too inconvenient for you. When you asked me to help you out when you were ill and you wouldn’t get paid for a holiday if you couldn’t work - I managed to get assistance from [my close friends who the children love and who love the children] to babysit so you could do it, and you refused because they were my friends… it didn’t matter that the children love those guys and have a wonderful time when in their company. And as usual, the list goes on.

Here is another in a long line of examples of how you use the children, as you always have, as a tool for extortion. As a tool for manipulation. As a means to get your way. It’s another example of how you don’t think of the impact on the children and only think of the impact on you and what is convenient for you. It’s another example of you holding the children hostage for money. “You can see the children if you pay me money.”

It’s disgraceful beyond anything I have ever experienced before in my life.

Your position is clear. Your motivations are clear. As always, a simple issue cannot be handled because you choose to continue to act the way you do.

~LM

You gotta love someone who asks you, when you live approximately 4-hours away, for a last minute schedule change to accommodate them for any reason, refusing to meet half-way for an exchange so she can be helped out.  And why?  Gas and tolls.  Remember again - that all about the money thing is about as pure as her projection can get.

LM,

Do you realize how comical it is when YOU write crap like this to ME??? I actually get a chuckle out of it…..thank you. Do you actually believe yourself? I think you do, which makes it EVEN funnier. The un-funny part is that you have two little boys who love you…..and you STILL can’t pull yourself together. Maybe you can salvage what’s left with therapy…..keep seeing [your therapist]…..only be honest with her for a change.

Now…..stop emailing me, you’re on my last nerve.

~PEW

Why yes, I absolutely do believe what I write, because it’s factually supportable.  (This is also her “parroting” something I very often shoot her way).   And no one lies to counselors and therapists more than the psycho ex-wife.

PEW,

It’s not comical. It’s not comical when your words clearly define your motivations. “Pay me money and I’ll think about what is beneficial for the kids.” You think that’s comical. Good grief.

~LM

And if your head wasn’t spinning enough, she responds with this…

LM,

well if that were true…..it would NOT be comical…but since it’s not true and it’s coming from you…the biggest hypocrite I know……it’s comical. Get a grip.

~PEW

And if anyone wonders why people dealing with a severely disordered spouse/ex-spouse wonder about comments like, “I began to feel like I was the one who was going insane” - mere hours after sending an email claiming she’ll cooperate in exchange for $15,000 for her legal fees, she says that my claim about her being motivated by money is “not true.”  There are experiences like this which leave you dumbfounded, sitting there is stunned silence, like someone snuck up on you and threw ice cold water in your face when you weren’t expecting it.

It ended there.  The schedule would not change.  Then, 3 weeks later, on 7/28/2006, she sends this…

LM,

I’m wondering if you were able to make arrangements for the week of August 14th regarding the boys and your trip. If not, I could keep them that week provided that you pay for the additional week of camp and pick them up in [at my house] for their last week with you and drop them off upon their return.  My truck is a lease and I’m almost over the alotted miles for the year. Let me know, I’ll need to let camp know.

~PEW

All the time, nutbags like this do these things.  It’s as if that entire rigmarole never happened.  Plans set in stone.  No way she’s helping me.  If I pay her 15-grand, she’ll do it.  Then, out of the blue, she says she can do it.  What’s worse, she’ll look back on something like this and swear, “SEE?!?!?!?!  I OFFERED TO HELP YOU OUT BACK IN 2006 WHEN YOU HAD THAT TRAINING SCHEDULED AND YOU REFUSED!!!”  Absurd doesn’t quite cover it.

This is followed up with…

LM,

If you did not cancel your trip on the week of the 13th, I need to know what arrangements you made for the kids. If you’re not going to be there all week, the children will not want to be there and it will be traumatic for them to be left with neither parent. You never told me what the details of your trip were, was it all week, a few days, etc..etc.. I would appreciate the courtesy of a reply. If you decide not to respond, I will ask [my attorney to call yours].

~PEW

What the hell happened to DW and the children forming a bond and getting to know each other better?  What about not giving a fuck because her plans were set in stone?  Now, the children will be traumatized and not want to be there, even though they did plenty of activities with DW each day I was at work and had wonderful times anytime we had our opportunities to be together.  Oh, the delusions…

PEW,

Trip is being rescheduled.

~LM

Blessed with a tremendous break, the fall training schedule with this company came out in the weeks after the initial go’round ended and I was able to push it out to October or so.  Of course, that would require a schedule adjustment, too, which would be met with the same PEW ridiculousness.  Only, I handled it much differently… or maybe it was slightly different… blog post for another day.  She replied…

LM,

thank you

~PEW

Yeah, fuck you, too.

The summer of 2006 was clearly one that was a brutal one. We had child support modification issues, we were deep in the middle of our child custody conferences, child custody hearings, child custody evaluations, it was all too crazy for words. We had an interim schedule and I was more than a year into my new job. We had just acquired a million-dollar, high-tech piece of equipment for which I had to go to the manufacturer for a week to obtain training. Unfortunately for me, that training period conflicted with the interim child custody schedule, which required me to approach PEW to make modifications in the midst of an incredibly conflicted time in this entire process.

So, we begin another fine example of high contact and how things can escalate when you communicate more than you absolutely have to. It’s also an example of why, if possible, you need to avoid approaching a high-conflict ex-spouse for alterations to custody orders. Low-contact is the way to go when dealing with high-conflict personalities. In this case, it was unavoidable. This training was a critical component of my employment. I had to try to make the change.

Further, it’s another example of a PEW’s endlessly lofty sense of entitlement and control issues. In this example, because she says so, I was to tell my employer I wasn’t going to this critical training. I let her emails show you her bizarre line of thinking alongside my brilliantly mindless contributions to the escalation… I start with the initial contact on July 8, 2006, giving her more than a month’s advanced notice of the situation.

PEW

I have a potential conflict in the month of August. If I’ve checked the calendar correctly, I am scheduled to have them the week of August 14th, and it’s looking like I have to travel for training that week. Of course, the next court date will probably scuttle that, but in the event that it doesn’t, I was wondering if you would consider a switch to week-on/week-off for the month of August? Since camp is a full paid 8-weeks down here, they’ll gain an extra week of camp here and save you a week up there. Maybe there is some benefit in that regard.

Let me know your thoughts.

~LM

Seems reasonable enough to reasonable people.  I even went the “cost-savings” route.  Since we were responsible for our own summer camp arrangements, I would be incurring no additional camp costs (you have to pay-in-full) but there, the Director was flexible and with enough notice, didn’t charge you for time not used (as we know from even her currently being perpetually months behind in payments).

LM,

Here’s an idea for you….how bout you go back to your boss and tell him that you have your children that week…..that’s what I have to do when I am required to do things for my job?? This is something interesting we’ll have to explore further with the judge. You travel, have trainings, audits, etc……I don’t. My boss is completely aware that I am a single parent and works with me for sicknesses, court, etc……..is your employer not working with you???

~PEW

Well, that went well.  I happened to have an extremely important position with the company.  We have an incredible new, expensive machine to make the work flow much better.  I need training on programming it.  However, since PEW said no, I’m to just go tell the CEO that I can’t do my job because I have kids to take care of that week.  Brilliant.

PEW,

We will explore yet another example of your lack of cooperation with the judge. Thanks again for putting it in writing. I’ll make other arrangements. As always, I thought the first best avenue to explore was with the children’s mother. I guess I’ll never learn.

Thanks.

~LM

Poking the beast will surely help…

LM,

Good luck….I’m looking forward to our next hearing

~PEW

There’s that confidence that comes from knowing if you have a vagina and a penchant for tears, you have a distinct advantage in family court until such time as you reveal your true self, assuming your adversary ever does.  Make as many false accusations as you can, and hopefully something will stick.

Two days into the back-and-forth…

PEW,

As my boss is out for the week, I figured I’d try an alternative arrangement and see how you feel about that…

If a change to week-on/week-off for August is too much of an imposition for you, how about instead of exchanging on the 16th of July, we exchange on the 23rd of July? You gain a half-week of time with the boys, and the adjustment would offset the potential training week of August 14. We would close out the summer pending a ruling by the court as:

Dad: June 19th - July 4th.
Mom: July 4th - July 23rd.
Dad: July 23rd - August 6th.
Mom: August 6th - August 20th.
Dad: August 20th - September 3rd.

Keep in mind, when you have had training for work at night at jobs, arrangements were made to have things covered, even though some of those times you refused to let me be the one to do it. The situation is this, I have no problem if your desire is to take a hard-line with this and just refuse for no particular reason. The kids will be taken care of regardless and DW has no problem taking care of the boys if this trip cannot be rescheduled. I just figured I’d take one more chance with you before I start the rescheduling process with work.

Keep in mind, when you have been in babysitting jams earlier this year, and with only a couple of days notice, we were able to step up and help when we could. You should also know that S1 has told me that he would actually prefer to be week-on/week-off as I have proposed for August with my first email.

So, what’s it going to be? This takes no time away from you and doesn’t affect camp costs. The easiest thing for us to do is make a minor adjustment to our arrangement. If you choose to be difficult just for the sake of being difficult, just say so. What I will ask of you is that before you render your decision, consider how your decision will affect the CHILDREN… and not how it will affect you or me.

~LM

Looking back, the mistake here is mentioning attempting to see about rescheduling the training.  Well… the mistake actually is trying at all and it’s compounded by my continuing to go back-and-forth with her about it.  Obviously, I’m only inviting the escalation…

(more…)

Step 1: Receive email from PEW that is important and relevant to the child/children. (7:48AM)

LM,

Will you please drop off the consent to Dr. Orthodontist’s office please?

~PEW

Step 2: In keeping with low-contact, acknowledge request appropriately. End.

PEW,

I expect to do so tomorrow.

~LM

Step 3: Receive typical, delusional, provocative email that over-exaggerates the child’s dental appearance and effectively denigrates how he looks. “Great job, Mom.”  (3:46PM)

LM,

Thanks to you S1 gets to start out middle school with a huge gap between his teeth…..great job Dad

~PEW

Step 4: If ignore, return to Step 2. If doubt, please review low-contact posts, then proceed to Step 5.

Step 5: Receive another contact. (3:15PM)

LM,

Appointments that are available …this friday at 4:30 or Sat 4/10 at 9am to get things started….those are the two soonest appts and he’s with you both days….what do you want to do?

~PEW

Step 6: At work. Ignore notification until appropriate read and response can be sent. If doubt, return to Step 2. If no doubt, proceed to Step 7.

Step 7: Receive another communication with scary deadline words. (3:48PM)

LM,

I can take him on friday if you can’t….but [Receptionist] (at Dr. Orthodontist’s office) said if she doesn’t hear from you by tomorrow S1 can’t come

~PEW

Step 8: If still at work, return to Step 6. If asked and answered, continue.

Step 9: Receive another bizarre escalation email with false accusation and court threats. (7:04PM)

LM,

I personally don’t want to go to Dr. Orthodontist…because the letter you sent them made us sound like freaks….but he’s 2000 cheaper than everyone else so it’s kind of a “no brainer”….but thanks..again for the amunition for court…it’s all good

~PEW

Step 10: If ignore, return to Step 2. Hell, let’s be honest - it’s full ignore, go to step 2 or proceed because you couldn’t care less about her mindless rants. It doesn’t really matter either way.

Step 11: Receive another contact with a dramatic increase in hostility, containing her usual mastery of the foul language.

LM,

if you dont drop off the consent….we will lose the Appointments…you got that right? we’ve already lost a year….I fricken need to know if you CAN DO the appts cause if you cant we’re into May on my weeks???? Answer the emails asshole!!!!

~PEW

Step 12. If ignore, return to step 2. If asked and answered, return to step 2 or continue. Just don’t respond because the question has been answered. Not to mention, she’s being her usual vulgar self and therefore is not entitled to a response from any self-respecting human being.

Step 13: Wonder, briefly, when her reign of chaos and terror will end. File the 12 total emails received between 7AM and 8PM today (other “stream of unconsciousness” unrelated to the matter described above). Recognize successful acknowledgment of the important issue pertaining to the children.

12 total emails. 1 deserving of response. Others might have warranted a response until she became a filthy, vile, vulgar, threatening, and offensive verbal thug. You know how huge those email muscles can be.

This is low-contact. It’s not about changing the psycho ex-wife’s or psycho ex-husband’s behavior. It’s about changing how you react and respond. I replied clearly and concisely.  She went off the deep-end (again).  I had a great day at work and it remained stress-free due to low-contact.  I read the balance, saw the increasing hostility, and put them away.  Like a misbehaving, petulant child, she will not be rewarded until she can talk using her grown up voice… until she can play nice-nice.

See also: 10 Commandments of Low-Contact With High-Conflict Personalities.

Let’s be careful out there.