Divorce360.com article: Airing Divorce Laundry Online
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Should You Expose Ex-Spouse Online? by Maria Moya
I was recently interviewed for this article which finally hit the internet on May 15th, 2008. It should prove to be a good read because many of those who cruise by this site are bloggers in their own right - going through post-divorce hardships with a high-conflict ex-spouse or sharing other, unrelated life-stories which make for interesting reading.
My only criticism of the article rests on the shoulders of the alleged experts who weighed in on the issues. It would seem, for instance, that Brenda Della Casa has a rather sheltered view of the purpose of blogging.
“We live in a world that seems more and more focused on exposing oneself and innermost feelings as a way to gain whatever kind of attention or fleeting support we can.”
“People blog and upload photos and stories on sites for many reasons, but I think the main reason is that we all want to feel our lives and feelings matter.”
Speaking from my own limited blogging experience, it’s far less about support for myself than it is about our support of others. While that may not have been my original intention, the feedback we received here in the earliest days provided me an opportunity to help out others in the same way an untold number of people helped me. It serves as a “Pay It Forward” effort, in part.
If the positive feelings we gain from this experience are perceived simply as a way of gaining attention and obtaining fleeting support - stamp me guilty and know that it’s so much more than that. Do I appreciate the support I get from others regarding my own experiences? Absolutely! Who wouldn’t? As an aside, Brenda Della Casa should know that people also blog to:
- To make incredible amounts of money.
- To stay in touch with family and friends.
- To provide points of view on a myriad of topics to a wide audience without the shackles of “mainstream” media outlets.
- To support a business endeavor, such as online magazines, manufacturing sites, medical business, among countless others.
- Humor!
This list is obviously not all-inclusive.
In addition to Brenda’s input, a California psychiatrist, Dr. Mark Goulston contributed his thoughts regarding why people blog about divorce.
“They’re angry and can’t let go. They want to humiliate their ex-spouse. “They don’t have anything to fall back on either in terms of competence, a good reputation, ability to attract another partner,” he says. “In other words, they are unable to realize and live ‘the best revenge by living well.’ “It takes away from their parenting, because it’s difficult to listen with an open caring mind to kids when a part of your personality is tied up in this crazy, obsessive behavior,”
YEESH! Dr. Goulston has a rather harsh and uninformed view of the situation. Worry not, though, I’m here to set him straight on some other realities based upon my knowledge of many members of the “blogosphere.”
One thing I’ve mentioned many times is that anger at my ex-spouse is not what drives this effort. Further, if the purpose was to humiliate my ex-spouse, here’s the short list of people to whom I would have shared the blog:
- My ex-spouse.
- The family of my ex-spouse.
- The workplace of my ex-spouse.
- Anything and anyone of or related to my ex-spouse.
In my situation, Dr. Goulston might be interested in examining why I can count on one hand the number of friends and family with whom I’ve chosen to share my identity relative to this website.
To a blogger - those I know sharing either divorce, post-divorce, or other life-related family experiences, including myself are:
- Successful.
- Have good reputations in our business and friendship circles.
- Are involved in meaningful, intimate relationships with new partners in the aftermath of our experiences.
- Are “living well” and are blessed to be doing so.
- Work very hard at being the best parents they can be, assuming children are involved.
Many of them have support groups, advice, forums, and a wealth of resources that are helpful to others who may be going through similar experiences.
Too bad neither of the experts saw fit to discuss the positives associated with the voluntary efforts of others. That’s not to say that there aren’t revenge-motivated blogs out there. The youtube video cited in the article appears to be rooted in just such motivation.
C’mon, Dr. Goulston… it’s not all about doom and gloom, not being able to get another girlfriend… neglecting children to blog… or being stuck in the drive-thru at 30-something asking, “do you want fries with that?”
