The Psycho Ex Wife

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Yes, I know - I’m jumping back into the past just as we were beginning to launch into the divorce take-off. Too bad! I happened upon this and it gives some insight as to the perceptions of someone on her side of the family.

EJ, who I haven’t profiled, until now, is the oldest brother of the 4 inlaw children. PP is #1. PEW is #2. EJ is #3. EJ was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (as was PP a few years later). PEW and I were instrumental in convincing EJ to voluntarily entered a hospital when he was having a particularly alarming episode. During his 3-day stay, he was diagnosed as bipolar, and started on a regimen of treatment and medication that proved instrumental in helping him get out of a mind-hell that he was living. He was pissed at us for cajoling him into checking himself in. He was in denial for a short period afterwards, but followed the recommendations and really turned things around for himself. He married his beautiful girlfriend, got himself a fantastic job, now has 3 children. He is a prime example of how well things can turn out when you follow the program and take care of yourself in the aftermath of such a diagnosis. PP, on the other hand, is the direct opposite. There must be a psychological case-study in there somewhere.

EJ and I always had a good relationship. He was a funny, caring guy. A big “teddy-bear” if there ever was one. S1 and S2 love him lots, too. Unfortunately, as happens with a divorce, the last time I saw EJ was probably New Year’s Day of 2004. I hear from the kids that he and his family are doing well - at least insofar as the children understand that to be the case.

During a discussion in the aftermath of my being ejected from Christmas 2001, PEW had told me about how everyone was up-in-arms over my allegedly inappropriate behavior. She challenged me to “call EJ and ask him!” I called her bluff and did. He assured me that few, if anyone, expressed any such sentiment. Except for PP, that is.

Following our phone discussion, we had an email exchange… it was December 26th, 2001…

EJ,

I’m not going to excuse-make. Just so you know - as does your sister - I have a zero-tolerance policy on people making fun of the kids. That policy extends to both families, and I give you my personal assurance, me asking your brother, calmly, to “please stop making fun of my kids’ physical attributes was a LOT nicer than what I’ve had to say to my own brothers on rare occasion.

I’ve had enough and I am going to address it on-the-spot no matter who does it. I’ve had enough of dealing with EE, your sister (who has previously called him “psycho” and “serial killer” among other nicities), last night with [your brother] and both [my younger brothers].

The only people who I’ve not had to contend with (excluding the grandmothers and my own father), are you and my brother VAM, who seem to understand the concept of not making fun of young children.

If I was wrong for not taking your brother aside and telling him, I can live with that. Know this - I’ve told your sister to address it with the family in the past, and it clearly hasn’t worked. So I will now address it on a case-by-case basis. I’ll make no apologies for that.

~LM

EJ’s reply…

LM,

I hear you, dude. Even though he was just kidding, S1 is at that age where he understands things better. That is for you and PEW to discuss. PP has NO right. She is a ticking time-bomb!

~EJ

Well, that was somewhat a relief…

EJ,

WARNING: PEW is going to call you because she alleges that you claimed that I “had no right” and you were “mad at me.”

Again, if that’s the case - we should talk. If it is not - be prepared to be told that is how you should feel. I thought it only fair to warn you. She also said [your fiance] was mad about it.

~LM

LM,

I am not mad and [fiance] definitely is not mad. I never said you had no right. I actually haven’t said a word about it. It went a lot deeper than the issue with [brother], that was obvious. However, any issues that you and PEW have is for you guys to work out. PP should seek help on her own problems before she wants to address others’. I would just like to see you guys work it out. I think no differently man.

~EJ

EJ,

I appreciate the good thoughts, EJ. I mean that.

~LM

LM,

I like you, LM, and so does my family. You probably find that hard to believe at times, but it is very true. Things work themselves out. Everyone goes through their spats.

~EJ

EJ,

Well, your sister is telling me that everyone in the family is alienated from me (a direct quote) and that everyone is pissed at me and that everyone, including [fiance] said that I acted inappropriately.

Now, it is crap like that which prevents us from ever achieving a solution on ANYTHING that she has a problem with.

Those are direct quotes from PEW. Then, when she challenged me to “go on and call EJ” - I told her that I already had talked to you and said no such thing. Sorry to put you on the spot like that, but it needed to be said and I will discuss nothing that you and I have discussed with her. I promise.

~LM

LM,

They love drama, dude. What can I say??? I never said such a thing and to say [fiance] of all people said something to that effect is a total lie. I even talked to [brother] on the phone and he didn’t even seem bothered. Basically, he just took it as you were having a bad day or fighting with PEW. PP was obviously the only one that was vocal. Enough said there. I’m heading out. Give me a call later, I’m going to be setting up the fish tank.

~EJ

If nothing else, EJ sure has his sisters’ number. PP is a ticking time-bomb and they most certainly loved drama (and embellishing and lying and manipulating…) I’ve not heard a cross word during the entire relationship from either of the boy siblings. Quite the contrary, they were often quite sympathetic to me when it came to anything involving the psycho-twins. I’m not sure if that has always been the case, but they’ve never interjected themselves into the drama, and have never confronted me about anything. If they have said anything to PEW or PP negatively, I’d bet money it was simply to “keep the peace” - pretty much like everyone seems to have to do around these two.

We’re Step-Parents. A Step-Father. Step-Dad. A Step-Mother. Step-Mom. In keeping with some experiences shared in both directions with many in the community of the world wide web, a major part in this drama would obviously include step-parenting issues. In our particular case, DW and I are each “steps” to one another’s pair from our prior marriages. While all step-parenting situations offer their own unique challenges and rewards, some of you will ultimately find ours at or near the top of the “crazy” scale.

We’ll introduce a new character here, Poe, to join our cast of characters. Poe is DW’s ex-husband. Their post-divorce relationship is the polar opposite of the one I have with The PEW. These two put the children first-and-foremost when the day came to dissolve their marriage. Agreements were centered around the children. Who would stay in the marital home, for how long, and when it would be sold. The two households staying reasonably close to manage the day-to-day “management” of the children. They’re often there to “cover” one another when something comes up and the children need to stay with the other for short or long periods of time. It’s a classic 50/50 arrangement with seemingly unlimited flexibility for the most part. There was no court war, child support, battle over assets - just a separation and a quiet divorce process when the appropriate time period had passed - and then getting on with their lives.

Even Poe and I have become friends and enjoy the occasional drink and perhaps even a cigar together. Here’s a guy who, when things got particularly dicey for me in court, was going to come and testify on my behalf that there is no one (outside of some family and DW, of course) he could think of that he would trust more with his kids than me. Talk about trust. I can think of no higher honor than to be given that level of trust. He also stepped right into the fray when The PEW filed a false child-abuse report with our county CPS (from several states away), mostly because he was angry that his children were now unnecessarily thrust into PEW’s chaos and terror - but because the accusations were ludicrous. Fact is, they’re great kids, very lovable, smart, engaging and rarely are anything but a joy to be around. With two relatively normal parents, you get two relatively well-adjusted children after divorce.

Had their relationship been half as contentious as the one between me and The PEW - no shot we make it as far as we have. We are blessed in that regard.

Of course, both of our experiences left us with some baggage and me (with my post-relationship PTSD) probably lugging the majority of it. The experiences we had in our respective relationships would suddenly appear from time to time and upset the apple cart. Fortunately, not so much as to cause any crisis, but it does take time to shed those experiences that are so ingrained in you. Sometimes, without thinking, you react as if you were “back there” and before you even realize it, feelings are hurt, something is said, something happens that needs some discussion and make-up time. Hey, the make-up time is worth the occasional half-step backwards.

My kids are a bit more affected by the significant differences in the PEW’s personality and mine. Her disciplinary style and mine. He reactions and mine. Her love (or what she believes it to be) and my love. They’re comfortable with DW. I can still remember when S2 first met DW. He said nothing. He just popped right up on the couch and gave her a hug for no particular reason. S1 has always been a bit more tentative though both are very comfortable around her. I think that S1 is afraid that if he gets too close to DW he is somehow doing something bad towards his mother. My guess is that after hearing enough garbage-talk about her and I from The PEW and her family, there is probably a little fear that if they speak about DW at all (let alone speak nicely about her) - there will be some backlash. There has, I’m sure of that. It is nice that they will slip about something they did with DW that was fun or exciting during a conversation with The PEW because we know that she feels it like a dagger in her heart. It shouldn’t be that way, but after all of the horrible things that we’ve experienced due to her warped sense of retribution, you take satisfaction wherever you can get it.

I can also remember the first time I met DW’s children… after a simple introduction and my desire not to be overly “intrusive” (is the best word I could come up with) - they just went about their business of playing. I did’t want to thrust myself into their lives like I was some new plaything. I was going to sit back and let them gravitate towards me on their own. People think meeting your date’s parents for the first time is nerve-wracking. Yeah. That’s nothing compared to the apprehension you feel when meeting someone’s children for the first time - that is, someone with whom you have a growing, serious relationship.

So, in that vein, we’ll share our experiences and point-of-view. We’ll share some of our own intimate “unfun” moments and some discussions we have saved, too. You can see just how the discussion unfolded as if it was just happening and not after we’ve processed the experience and put our “spin” on what happened or what was discussed (though you’ll get some of that, too). I know that there are step-moms out there sharing regularly. Hopefully, we can drag some of those step-fathers out there into the “fray” to share some experiences both good and not-so-good.

And pretty soon, I’ll toss out a “shout-out” post to all of my new step-parenting internet friends and their blogs in a post all their own!

I remember the first night that I “met” the ex-FIL. PEW and I were out on a date, where and what we were doing is inconsequential because - I simply don’t remember it. What I do remember, all-too-vividly was going back to her parent’s house. It was late. She invited me in but, given her parents were likely home, I didn’t intend to stay very long. Quietly, we opened the door. As we walked through the living room, there he was in all of his bloated glory… passed-out cold. He was retarded drunk. He was wearing a nice sweater the was form fitting around his monumental “30-pack” abs. The ensemble was completed with a pair of red slacks, which, at this point, were torn from his asshole to his crotch as his legs likely flopped open into the slouched, spread-eagle position as he fell back into the easy-chair. He had pissed himself.

This was another serious red-flag I ignored.

I’m not entirely sure his alcoholism is that of the methodical, daily drunk. He was more the uncontrollable binge drinker, much like PEW at that time in her life. He is what people call a “functional alcoholic.” That moment should have been a sign among many, but the truth be told, it was the only time I ever saw him that shot-in-the-ass. I had seen him drunk from time-to-time, but he was little more than overbearing, obnoxiously loud, and somewhat insulting in what he believes is a humorous way.

Yes, the grandfather of our children. He is an ex-police officer from a major metropolitan area. He has lots of friends in fairly high places still in that area. It’s not like he hasn’t accomplished anything in life. He really has done much good in life, just little, if anything, for his own family and their behavior and diagnoses reflect that. He heads up an organization that does a lot of good for people in an important sector of the community. He has managed to keep it going quite successfully for a long time and for that, he does deserve credit. (That’s the “functional” part of him.) If only all of these people who see him as such a wonderful person knew what kind of a self-loathing, abusive, son-of-a-bitch he is in real-life.

Yes, I’m certain a bit the of the Napoleanic Complex is what drives his incessant compulsion to put down anyone and everyone - even his loved ones. Coming from a home with several siblings, I know what it is to poke fun at one another, even at our “advanced” ages. We still know how to bust on each other with the best of them. The difference is, there is a level of maliciousness within that family, and they all do it, that can only be described as making one quite uncomfortable. It cuts to the soul and can be too personal for an offspring and even a sibling. It also explains how she came to acquire such expertise in the field of verbal abuse viciousness.

• There is the story of EE freaking out on PEW when she pulled an all-nighter at a young age where he screamed at her about suspecting giving blow-jobs and swallowing cum.
• There was, in my presence, him methodically insulting and embarrassing PP in front of me and the rest of the family about the size of her tits and the fact that she was overweight or had changed her hair color again.
• His incessantly making fun of a son who was voluntarily hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder after nearly killing himself (and quite possibly others).
• He never hesitated to unleash verbal assaults on MM (the wife), even in front of my children which I would invariably have to put down.
• His teaching my children songs that were racist or spoke of killing their mother or making fun of some other family member. He would even deliberately teach them foul language.
• He would tickle my children incessantly (but never to this degree when I was present) - to the point where they would be crying or nearly throwing-up, and then justify it to PEW by telling her “they asked me to do that, they were enjoying it!”
• He would spare no one insulting or demeaning jokes - even would make fun of the children about some feature that caught his attention. That is, except me. The one time in all the years that he ever dared attempt to be that “humorous” with me, I gave it back to him. I don’t even recall what he said to me, but without hesitation I retorted some crack about his physical condition where I coined the term “30-pack abs” which I deliberately put in the opening paragraph of this post. I do know, however, that he has joined the rest of the family in making fun of me since the marriage ended (coward that he is) even doing so in front of the children, which usually brought them to me full of interesting questions.
• Stories from their childhood about drunken rages, pulling guns on MM, verbally and physically abusing his children (which PEW would justify to her sister PP by telling her that she “deserved it” because she wouldn’t keep her mouth shut). Things ultimately got so bad that the kids had to go live with an aunt & uncle for some stretch of time.

There is an unending list of mini-stories I could post about here but it would make this post endless, as interesting a read as it may be. He’ll make some more stupid moves that I should have taken up a notch or ten, like the time he made a threatening phone call to our home, completely identifying himself, and then stammering like an idiot, blowing hot air much like he taught his children to do so well.

He is the root of all of this heartache and despair. Also, through stories, it is my understanding that he suffered a similar fate at the hands of his own parents. I guess he simply was unable to overcome the learned behaviors and/or genetics associated with whatever makes this picture of dysfunction so bleak.

Initial Main Characters Post

S1 = Son of PEW and LM. Incredibly intelligent, incredibly undisciplined. As of today - 9-years old.

S2 = Son of PEW and LM. Incredibly adorable firecracker. As of today - 6-years old.

SS1 = Son of DW. Total cutie pie, amazingingly athletic. As of today - 8-years old.

SD1 = Daughter of DW. Poor girl in a sea of testosterone, but don’t let that fool you. Independent and spunky. As of today - 9-years old.

In order to avoid any confusion regarding the ages of the children and which ones we happen to be referring to in future posts, S1 will represent my oldest son, S2 my youngest, SS1 DW’s son, SD1 is DW’s daughter.

As we wrote some of our posts from other years, we thought using their actual age as an identifier would actually be confusing… and we didn’t want to change that for every story or after every birthday.

I suppose it’s a good time to offer a completely unbiased (yeah, right) mini-biography of sorts for myself. At the same time, I can offer a bit of background of the early stages of this disaster prior to rolling out some of the earliest documented battles I had saved.

I had a pretty great childhood with my parents and brothers. My parents divorced when I was in my teens. Having four boys fairly close in age, I often wondered how we didn’t drive them completely insane. Both of my parents were loving and sacrificed a lot to do the best that they could for us and, despite us all having our own little idiosyncrasies, we’ve all grown up fairly successful, have families, and have our relationships, with a few exceptions, that are still ongoing.

In terms of having a relationship, I have always thought of myself as fairly romantic when times, finances, and circumstances dictated. I was a faithful, loving husband - several times now. (That’s self-deprecating humor.)

I first married relatively young (23), to a “high school sweetheart” so-to-speak. We dated for 6-years. We were married for 3-years before that went ka-put in 1995. There were some problems that manifested themselves right before the actual marriage, but at that point, I thought I could get over them and we were so far into the marriage preparations that I didn’t have the guts to call it off. Once married, things were okay, but between some substance abuse issues on her part that couldn’t (or wouldn’t) be overcome, combined with me getting greater responsibilities on the career front, it wasn’t long before we were headed in completely opposite directions and it ultimately ended in divorce. It was relatively quick and mostly painless and strangely enough - I haven’t seen her since the day she came to my lawyer’s office, signed the papers, took her check from me, and departed. Neither her nor any family member have I encountered anywhere despite living fairly close in the same general area for several years afterward.

During our separation, as we awaited the final divorce decree to come through, I became enamored with a co-worker - PEW, and that developed into the disaster relationship that unfolds before you. I have previously posted about some of the “red flags” that I had ignored and repeatedly made mistake after mistake after mistake for the next 10-years (8 of those married). A smarter re-bachelor would have taken some time to himself, especially owning a single family home with many great friends and family members. Alas, it was not to be.

I was a different person then. I suppose I was so used to being in a relationship for so long that I felt most comfortable there and, obviously, ventured too quickly into the next one, and worse - wasn’t smart enough to keep it “at arm’s length” - especially with the red flags getting jammed up my ass every couple of weeks.

The short version of the early years goes something like this:

• Late 1994, do some casual dating.
• Early 1995, get serious.
• March of 1995, allow her to move in with me.
• Mid-1996, get engaged.
• Late 1996, get married.
• Late 1998, first child.
• Early 2001, second child.
• Early 2004, she leaves and files for divorce.
• Early 2005, divorce decree finalized after several lawyer mistakes with the filing.
• (Note: August 2004, I meet DW and we start a relationship, long-distance at first, which grows after the New Year in 2005.)

All along that time-line… hell on earth. And I took it. I’d venture to say that during that 8-year stretch, she walked out on me no fewer than two-dozen times and threatened to so many more times than that. It got so ridiculous after the first few times and I didn’t even care if she left. She was always coming back and I made no effort to beg, cajole, whine, or do anything to compel her to return. It was just a drama game to her.

Introducing THE HELL CATALOG! This is just a partial compilation of stuff that I had printed for custody evaluations, evidence, court, conferences, etc. This is not all-inclusive, believe it or not.

One thing did change for me, though. After having a child and knowing how fathers typically get treated in the Divorce & Custody machine, starting about 1999/2000 - I decided to start saving just about everything. Instant messages, emails, handwritten messages - every fucking nastygram she sent my way became another page in my “Hell Catalog.” (It’s something I recommend for anyone who serious thinks that their marriage isn’t going to make it, particularly if you’re in an abusive relationship - just be very careful how you do it and where you store it.)

Why?

I had a child by then. The threats of divorce and the leaving (and returning) were occurring on a more frequent basis. Further… very few people outside of the household really truly knew the evil I was living with. Having had to overcome, during the demise of my first marriage, the stigma associated with all of the questions “why” from everyone - because my first wife and I had the appearance of the “perfect marriage” to outsiders - I wasn’t going to allow that to happen again. That experience was really my main motivation. While the first marriage ended for vastly different reasons, no one could believe that it was ending. No one could believe what actually happened.

As a father in the Divorce & Custody machine - without any evidence, my chances of having meaningful time with the children was probably nil. With evidence, it wasn’t going to be much better, but it would be better than nothing. At least I would be able to substantiate my claims with evidence, for whatever good it might do.

Well, I knew no one was going to believe what I was living.  My own personal hell with PEW.  Assuming that the marriage could end at any time - I was going to make it very easy to show outsiders exactly what life in that house was like and PEW was going to provide me all of the evidence to convince people of that reality. It is, of course, one of the abilities of the person suffering from Borderline Personality Disorder. They have a public persona which is typically the polar opposite of the private persona. They have a knack for maintaining that public/private split with uncanny success.

We had been to countless counselors. Hell, we even had pre-marital counseling and no fewer than 4 separate times with marital counselors over the course of the relationship. She quit every single time the moment a counselor intimated that she had some issues that she needed to address. One thing was for certain, I wasn’t going to end the marriage. I loved my children. Managing my private hell was worth it to have every day with them. I told myself that I was going to stick it out until the children were grown. Looking back on it now, I didn’t do myself or them any favors. Staying as long as I did and continuing to make the mistakes I did only did her favors. However, I can’t change that now. I can only do my best to manage the aftermath.

So it was at the end of 1999 and beginning of 2000, I began to save everything. I even told her I was doing that. I even told her why I was doing that. Still, it didn’t stop her viperous mouth and vicious efforts to verbally and psychologically tear me down when the wind blew in a direction she didn’t like.

Admittedly, when put on the defensive, I tended to get loud. I didn’t get physical. When attacked, though, I could shout with the best of them. She didn’t like that. It never stopped her from calling me some of the nastiest things a person could call someone. She could do that (in her view), but I couldn’t yell in the face of the attacks. You’ll even see some of that debate in many of the battles. For the most part, in counseling, I managed to get around getting all worked up by her confrontations. I learned to leave and go for a drive or a walk when things got out of control with her. I still engaged at times, but when they escalated - I walked. For a little while, again at a counselor’s recommendation, we hashed out our issues in writing. Not that it mattered, but at least I wasn’t shouting. You can’t shout on paper. However, you could still insult me, my family, my friends, and be the basic hateful evil bitch you want to be on paper.

Now, I dedicate my life to maintaining my relationship with the children, continuing to grow and cultivate my relationship with DW and her children, and survive each and every legal attack (and others) that PEW throws our way. My ultimate hope is that PEW continues to falter to the point where she loses or gives up the children to me so that I can show them how a normal, loving relationship and upbringing is supposed to be. In the meantime, we’ll take our 50% and do the best we can with it.