The Psycho Ex Wife

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It is no secret that some of the most downtrodden of fathers in our family court system come from the military. While off in other lands fighting wars on behalf of the freedom of others - on the home front, they’re not often given any protection when their spouse chooses to file for divorce in his absence. Oftentimes, that divorce is granted. Oftentimes, he doesn’t even know about it until he comes home from combat to find:

• He’s lost his family.
• He’s lost his children.
• He’s lost his home and all of his other assets.
• He’s a fugitive from justice for failure to pay child support while in combat.
• He’s credit is destroyed.
• That those he volunteered to help defend with his life, couldn’t give a rat’s ass about his predicament.

The Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act provides that - if a parent moves with a child(ren) to a new state, that new state becomes the child’s presumptive residence after six months. Unfortunately, the grim reality for military personnel is that deployments for war are often much longer than 6-months. In effect, a military spouse can move to another state while her spouse is deployed, divorce him, and then be almost guaranteed to gain custody of the child(ren) through the divorce proceedings in the new state. All of this is done in his absence. All of this is done while he is in no position to fight it. All of this is done with the help and because of the greed of our Family Court System.

There is almost nothing an enlisted man can do to stop it, either. Though the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act affords military personnel some small measures of protection while they are deployed (unavailable prior to 2003), the devastating impact on such circumstances is resulting in ever-increasing numbers of suicides by military personnel who are left homeless, without their children, with unreasonable child support orders, and in poverty because a wife decided to cut & run with the children, the money, the assets - everything - while he was deployed during war.

I urge you to spend the 5-1/2 minutes to watch this very powerful video - a tribute to a fallen hero, a decorated soldier and Purple-Heart Award recipient.

Thanks to SDDAD who brought this to our attention and offered the following commentary:

I work as a police dispatcher for mid size community in So Cal. I see and hear all sorts of things that usually just flow over me with very little reaction. It is a coping mech that helps us deal with the heartache and pain we deal with on a daily basis. Being a military town, one of the things that comes through our phones every now and then is the service member that comes home from deployment to find his (or her) spouse has left with the children. It is heart breaking. Somebody sent me this video the other day and it actually brought me to tears.

Warning, this is a very moving and sad clip. It is not graphic in any sense other than that message it projects. But should you watch it…when you are done, please pay tribute to those that serve their country. Everything we have is due to their service and sacrifice.

To the men and women serving in our armed forces…THANK YOU!

It brought tears to my eyes, too.  We really appreciate you sharing this.  I recently sat down and spoke at length with an enlisted man about this site and what we try to do in helping others through tough times.  This occurred about 2-weeks ago.  I promised him that I would do some posts to bring light to the special suffering that is brought upon “many of my friends in the military” (his words) who are going through just such situations and need help.

SDDAD gave us a powerful way to start.

Thanks again to the men and women who serve in our armed forces. You endure enough with your work and should not have to be treated so awfully when you return.  Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

The following story is offered with the understanding that I have not checked the facts in the story.  I don’t know the names of those involved in the story.  It is simply another to toss on the growing pile of stories that can best be described as “horror stories.” I choose to post it because it’s all too believable.

Andem4, a reader, writes:

Not sure if I mentioned this story before, but a former close friend of mine was married to a guy with a serious PEG (Psycho Ex-Girlfriend).  The PEG was a drug addict, worked for cash under the table, collected all kinds of state assistance, plus a huge amount in child support.  They were in Canada.

My friend had 2 children with her husband.  They managed to buy a small house, and his PEG saw dollar signs.  She filed for a support increase, including back payments.  Since the government was paying her all kinds of benefits since she was “poor single mom,” they jumped on the bandwagon of making the father pay it all.  They not only calculated support based on his “household income” (both his and my friend’s), but they looked at all assets he had (the house) and granted her 33%.

She had alienated the child against my friend (step-mom) from the start, and when the kid hit teen years, the alienation extended to the father.

When the final appeal failed, they were forced to sell their house and move in with my friend’s mother.  My friend had asked the judge in the case about how her children were expected to be taken care of when their household income was going to the PEG.  The response from the judge was, “He shouldn’t have had anymore children. The first born child always comes first.”

So they were broke, homeless, and facing a huge bill of about $30,000 in arrears for the years of backpayment.  At the time, my friend made a little more than $30k/yr, while her DH made $50k as mechanic.  The small amount of equity from the sale of the house all went to PEG.  The worst part was that the child was the product of a one-night-stand the guy had when he was 20, and she told him she was on birth control (a lie).  He tried to make a go of it with her, but did not marry her.  He left when the child was about 3, and met my friend when the child was 5.

The final straw was when a man they knew going through a similar issue killed himself.  He could not face putting his family through anymore of the nightmare, so he ended it. That was actually the second suicide in the area of this type.  My friend asks to meet me at a shopping mall.  There she tells me they are leaving the country and going into hiding.  She said she couldn’t tell me where, nor would she be able to contact me once gone.  All ties with family were going to be cut so no one would be able to find them.  Shortly after that, they were gone.

I did hear from her about a year later.  They established themselves in a place that would not enforce extraditing him for the child support.  They had a VERY hard life there, but at least they could feed their kids and were able to go day to day without the nightmare.  She also told me some of the family had been hounded by the PEG, but she somehow managed to keep her lifestyle without collecting the $30,000.  I guess the government continued to take care of her and her heroin addiction.

I haven’t heard from her in over 4 years, and I have no way to reach her.  I hope they have managed to get a decent life for themselves, PEG free.

Given the sheer volume of stories like this I see, both privately (via internet contact) and even in the media - this isn’t hard to believe.

My observations:

• I’m fairly familiar with the reality that in some countries, fathers have it even worse than here in terms of child support, child custody, and spousal support (alimony).  Canada is certainly one of those places.
• Men are more than 4-times more likely to commit suicide than women.  It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that a sizeable chunk of those victims did so out of the stress and hopelessness associated with trying to obtain reasonable custody of their children and pay a reasonable child support figure.
• Sadly, this guy was another foolish victim of the “I’m on the pill” gags and lead with his penis rather than his brain on the night in question.  For that, he and that child will be burdened for the rest of their lives.
• I firmly believe that if you want to have an effective deterrent to teenage sexual activity or any irresponsible sexual activity - these are the types of stories that would go a long way towards scaring the shit out of kids today.

After filing the petition for a restraining order on September 2nd, 2004, a hearing was scheduled for the following week on September 8th. PEW was appropriately served her notice and showed up with her legal representation. After lengthy discussion with my attorney, he was confident that I could handle this on my own and effectively told me to stick to the facts as I had presented them in the petition and do not deviate. Explain the story, provide your evidence (police reports and calls) and it should be granted.

Now, many attorneys do their “pro bono” work as may be required by their firms during restraining order issues. I was approached by one and decided to go ahead and take it. With a few hours to go until it was our turn, I filled him in on all of the details and he agreed that it was quite likely that I would get the restraining order.

I requested the following:

• Restrain Defendant from abusing, threatening, harassing, or stalking Plaintiff and/or minor children in any place where Plaintiff may be found.
• Evict/exclude Defendant from Plaintiff’s residence and prohibit Defendant from attempting to enter any temporary or permanent residence of Plaintiff.
• Award Plaintiff temporary custody of the minor children and place the following restrictions on contact between the Defendant and the children: “Any agreed-upon visitation requires an exchange no closer than the driveway of the marital residence with no entry into the home.”
• Prohibit Defendant from having any contact with Plaintiff and/or minor children either in person, by telephone, or in writing, personally or through third persons, including but not limited to any contact at school, business, or place of employment, except as the court may find necessary with respect to partial custody and/or visitation with the minor children.
• Prohibit Defendant from having any contact with the Plaintiff’s relatives and Plaintiff’s children listed in this petition, except as the court may find necessary with respect to partial custody and/or visitation with the minor children.
• Order Defendant to temporarily turn over weapons to the sheriff of this county and prohibit Defendant from transferring, acquiring, or possessing any such weapons for the duration of the order.
• Order Defendant to pay temporary support for Plaintiff and/or minor children, including medical support and payment of the rent or mortgage on the residence.
• Direct Defendant to pay Plaintiff for the reasonable financial losses suffered as a result of the abuse, to be determined at hearing.
• Order Defendant to pay the costs of this action, including filing and service fees.
• Order Defendant to pay Plaintiff’s reasonable attorney’s fees.
• Grant such relief as the court deems appropriate.
• Order the police or other law enforcement agency to serve Defendant with a copy of this petition, any order issued and the order for hearing. The petitioner will inform the designated authority of any addresses, other than the Defendant’s residence, where Defendant can be served.

So, my pro bono attorney meets with the other side to try to get the lay of the land and see what he can make happen. When he returns after a lengthy discussion, he informs me that the other side is willing to accept the petition with one exception - that the children be excluded from the restraint.

When I explain to him that the greater portion of my fear is that the children could ultimately be harmed by her increasingly escalating behaviors, the attorney explains that I have a solid case on the firearms issue. She will be found guilty and the court would very likely impose all of that which I have asked for, except the temporary custody of the children. I allow myself to be talked into it. We avoid the hearing by allowing everything relevant to my own protection to proceed, most importantly, her immediate turning-over of the firearms to the Sheriff’s department. And again, I get another lesson in the mother-favoritism in family court.

Another hindsight lesson for anyone in a similar spot is here. While I will always suggest that you default to listening to the attorney’s advice, I will now suggest that you follow your gut… follow your instincts… do a risk/reward analysis. I believe I made a mistake in listening to this attorney’s advice as I had nothing to lose by going to a hearing. In that situation, where there is truly no downside to proceeding - PROCEED and see if you can get all of the relief you’ve asked for. I wasn’t going to jail. I wasn’t going to be sanctioned. I had the complete upper-hand. And I gave away a potentially strong opportunity to gain primary, if not sole, custody of the children because of PEW’s criminal behavior. I let the “expert” talk me into this because of the mantra “always listen to your attorney.” Well, folks… I’m hear to tell you that attorneys can be wrong. Attorneys make mistakes. Attorneys can give bad advice. Assess each situation on its own merits and if your instincts are telling you to follow through with the hearing and there is literally no downside to trying to push through and get what you asked for - JUST DO IT!

I thought that between winning the hearing over the schooling issue followed so closely by these events and subsequent restraining order being accepted by her without a fight/defense, I had a couple of major tools needed to protect myself and gain primary custody of the children. I would be able to protect them from her madness. My confidence level was quite high.

Still, following the advice of the pro bono attorney and not following through on the hearing, even though I still get the PFA, was probably another of several big blunders on my part. My high confidence level would soon be shattered as we go through the custody evaluation and panic begins to take hold.

The restraining order was entered for a duration of 18-months. I received exclusive possession of the marital home (though she wasn’t required to make any contributions to the mortgage or upkeep, which pretty much was the same as when we were married). She was required to turn over the stolen firearms to the Sheriff’s office.

In an early example of PEW’s penchant for willful disregard of court orders, I received a call from her 2-weeks after this hearing. She explained to me that her neighbors told her that a couple of Sheriff’s officers were looking for her at her place earlier in the day and if I had anything to do with it. I told her that I did not.

It turns out, she hadn’t turned over the firearms to the Sheriff’s department and a bench warrant was issued for her arrest. In keeping with her ability to get out of certain trouble - she turned over the firearms shortly thereafter. Still, she had to go before the court and explain the delay in compliance. I wasn’t there for it, but I’m sure she turned on the crying faucet, made some lame excuse, and was not sanctioned for her willful disobedience of the court’s orders. She is contempt of court, she is already in violation of the PFA by continuing to hold the firearms - and NOTHING is done. No sanctions. No arrest. No penalty whatsoever. 4-years later, I’m no longer surprised when these things happen to me or anyone else.

“Corrupt, Inefficient, Lazy, and Stupid” is how Alec Baldwin describes the lawyers, judges, and others who are part of the Divorce and Custody Industry. Yes, it’s an industry which generates billions of dollars of revenue and income for the states and all of the players within the system.

And so opened the story featured on ABC’s program 20/20 on September 19th, 2008.

Alec Baldwin is stepping up to the plate and is making a concerted effort to do something about what he calls the “delays and manipulations” that serve to destroy and divide divorcing families more than the circumstances at hand often do. I believe that this is something that we all want to see happen in our lifetimes. Baldwin’s struggles were apparently so bad that he had even contemplated suicide. When one stops to consider that more the 25,000 men in this country commit suicide each year, you have to wonder how many of those men were in the midst of a bitter divorce and custody battle that saw them marginalized as a parent, stripped of their right to be a parent, and relegated to little more than a wallet, from which states strive daily to extract the maximum amount of money “in the best interests of the children.” Men commit suicide at a rate that is 4-times greater than women.

Throughout his lengthy struggles in family court and the years he lost with his daughter, Ireland, he struggled with depression and despair. These types of feelings and experiences are repeated tens-of-thousands of times over in this country and abroad.

Diane Sawyer, even at the very outset of the interview, sought to label Baldwin’s rather low opinion of the divorce & family court system as a “scorched earth” attitude. Baldwin wisely countered that such an attitude defines one who actively seeks the negative in a particular situation. This is not what he did, but in reality, the situation was “thrust” into his face. It is his experience that brought him to these realizations. Again, this is a point with which I agree. My own attitudes, for reasons even unknown to me, led me to believe that things had changed in divorce & family court for the better for fathers since my own parents split up. I would soon learn that nothing could be further from the truth.

He describes his feelings for the love of his love, daughter Ireland - “When I’m with her, I am happy.” Aren’t we all when in the company of our children who we love unconditionally? His marriage to Kim Basinger began to fall apart when Ireland was 5-years old.

When asked about the warning signs that signaled the end of his marriage was near, he refused to divulge details, laughing at one point when telling Sawyer that Basinger would probably be a lot more “chatty” about warning signals about him manifested themselves to her. Then, Baldwin made a statement that I suspect will ring true throughout the overwhelming majority of divorced men in high-conflict situations.

“The harshest thing I could say is I was married to someone for whom all dissent was abuse. If you had your own opinion, you were abusive.”

This describes my psycho ex-wife in a nutshell. It encapsulates her attitude about everything and like many other words that serve as lightning-rods for those with an agenda, the definition of what is “abuse” has been so bastardized today as to make it’s true definition completely meaningless. If you are divorcing someone who takes this attitude - you’re in for a long and difficult divorce and custody process that will be rife with accusations that you probably think are unimaginable to be attributed to you.

While asserting that he and Basinger did not argue all the time and, when they did, it was his belief that nothing he ever argued about was over something that was insignificant, he maintains that nothing occurred in the marriage that was deserving of anything that took place in its aftermath. The dreaded high-profile custody battle lasting 8-years… 365 documents… 91 court proceedings… 8 lawyers… 4 judges… 3-million dollars.

It started, as many do, with the mother removing the child from the marital home and moving some long distance away, in this case, from Los Angeles to New York, with Basinger citing Ireland’s “health” as the reason. Once a “court sponsored mediator” began to analyze a custody arrangement, Alec Baldwin didn’t see Ireland for 2-years (except for very infrequent arrangements during the process) and, Baldwin asserts, he had done absolutely nothing wrong. He did what he could to remain in her life, volunteering at school and being local to her as often as possible. This type of story is played out every day an untold number of times by people with far less financial resources than Alec Baldwin. So, we can see where thousands of fathers fail where Baldwin, thus far, has been able to succeed, assuming you can call his mess a “success” at this point. Of course, the more involved he tried to be, the more Basinger, he alleges, began to turn Ireland against him and he spoke of parental alienation syndrome.

His forthcoming book, A Promise to Ourselves: A Journey Through Fatherhood and Divorce chronicles his experiences and provides details of the horrifying and sad stories of the impact of parental alienation on his daughter and himself. “Mommy says you’re sick” is an exact phrase I’ve heard come from my own children and unlike Baldwin who told Sawyer that he said absolutely nothing to Ireland when she told him this, I would simply tell my children that what mom said simply wasn’t true and that I was sorry that they had to hear that.

Unsurprisingly, Baldwin was ordered into “anger management” classes, like so many fathers are on the simple accusations of the mother, and he followed the order to attend. And while being a public figure, Baldwin’s occasional outburst become tabloid fodder, for many low-profile fathers, that’s not necessarily the case and yet - they’ll be ordered into them just the same. The problem that arises with this situation is that once ordered into one, there is a perception that you have anger problems or are an abuser and that impacts the attitudes of those charged with making the life-affecting decisions regarding your parenthood. The typical anger-management class is predicated on the shameful “Duluth Model” which is a feminist-driven agenda item that blames all of the evils of society on men. (Perhaps a post for another day.)

Just as the court sponsored mediator was preparing to award joint-custody after these first two years of limited contact, the Basinger attorneys exercised their right to FIRE the mediator. They did this the day before she was to make her recommendation. The problem with this? It sets them back to the very beginning. The classic delay tactic of a vindictive, malicious mother. Off to court they go! When describing his feelings about the court experience Baldwin said:

“The lawyers are there to make money. It’s an industry. It’s a racket. Judges are like pit bosses in Vegas casinos. Their job is to make sure every one stays at the table and keeps gambling.”

Folks, there exists no better description of the family court system at-large.

8-months later, the judge awards joint custody in his case. He would fly across the country every other weekend to spend his “court authorized time” with his daughter. He even went so far as to have phone calls scheduled right into the order. The incessant interference with these calls is what would lead to the now famous voice mail that Baldwin left to his daughter in a moment of frustration. Alec Baldwin even rented a home 9-doors away from Ireland. However, Basinger was allegedly already driving a wedge between he and his daughter.

A montage of father videos is shown with them speaking of the alienation from their children and Baldwin discusses this more in-depth. He calls the situation a “national crisis” and that fathers all over the country are paying a steep price, along with the children. His belief and the belief of many others, is that parental alienation is a form of child abuse. It is largely a woman-on-man “crime” and it’s furthered by the gender bias that exists in America’s family courts.

When normal male behavior is being characterized as abuse, even the slightest action demonstrated during a normal emotion can cost you custody of your children. He uses an example of having an argument with your wife and smashing your cellphone down in the driveway now being characterized as “abuse.” (There are actually worse examples of that and nowadays, just saying something that hurts your spouse’s feelings can be characterized as abuse.) On the flip side, Baldwin again validates the beliefs of most men who are involved in a custody dispute or close to some father involved in one, when he says:

“You gotta catch the mother, as I said in the book, with a crack pipe in one hand, in bed with her pimp, and the child chained to a radiator before they do anything.”

Much to my dismay, Joan Myer, professor of law at George Washington University claims, “Family courts are bending over backwards to bring fathers into their children’s lives.” Of course, she doesn’t substantiate that in the limited time given with any objective evidence of such. Further, my research, my experience, and the experiences of those with whom I interact on a daily basis and via this blog lead me to believe that nothing could be further from the truth. Further, she goes on to outright dismiss parental alienation syndrome and, much like the radical feminist that I imagine she is (and I will look into it) she further propagates the myth that parental alienation is claimed by people who are using it to “defeat abuse claims.” Sawyer cites the National Organization of Women’s cloak of defense with their (accurate, if misleading) claim that PAS is not a “recognized syndrome” and it’s not “legally child abuse” in terms of it being a chargeable offense. You’ll notice how neither denies that poisoning a child’s mind against the other parent is possible and easily achievable, especially when the target parent has been forced to the fringes or out of their children’s lives.

I concur with Baldwin’s statements and I’m certain that many fathers would echo the sentiment that fathers who wish to be fully involved in their children’s lives “loathe and despise” fathers who physically or sexually abuse their children… who have the means but willfully fail to pay reasonable support… who abandon women whom they’ve impregnated. However:

“It doesn’t change the fact that there are women who get divorced and in order to punish, out of this bitter, bitter hatred that some of these women have for their ex-husbands - they turn their children against them. Everybody knows that’s real.”

Still, the interference with Baldwin’s custodial time with Ireland was granted with the full support of the court, on the 2nd-hand claim that Ireland said that she “felt unsafe” around Alec. Another investigation, another extended period of no time with his daughter, charges dismissed, custodial time restored. I’ve experienced these same types of claims repeatedly from my own psycho ex-wife. The children don’t like spending time with me. They are afraid of me. They don’t want to come to be with me. They hate it with me. It’s indescribably disgusting.

When speaking about the phone rant towards his daughter, he described the experiences and frustrations of the reality that less than 25% of his phone calls were getting through or returned or otherwise being facilitated by the other side. It is a moment he regrets. Still, in the face of hard questioning by Sawyer, he stood by his claim that there was an expectation of privacy and, that the bigger picture is that the voice mail was released to the tabloid website TMZ. While Kim Basinger denies being the source of the leaked tape, one can probably safely assume that Ireland wasn’t the one who sent it to TMZ and the larger tragedy is as regretful as his voice mail may have been, what kind of person/mother furthers the embarrassment suffered by her daughter by releasing it to TMZ to be broadcast all over the world?

I gotta say, I have to agree with him here. Why? Not that he was justified with his angry words towards his daughter. It’s because I am of the firm belief that there isn’t a mother or father alive (or dead, for that matter) who hasn’t said something inappropriate, unnecessary, or downright wrong to their children during the course of their lives. Let that person or persons (if they exist) be the ones to sit in righteous judgment of Baldwin’s message to Ireland on that fateful day.

A quote from Basinger along with her denial of releasing the tape to TMZ went something like this… and tell me if you haven’t seen these words in any number of emails I’ve posted from the PEW:

Her sincerest wish “is for him to finally address his unstable and irrational behavior so at some point he can potentially create a relationship with his daughter.”

It’s as if all of these women are operating from the same playbook with the same glossary of terms to use in court, in public, and in this case - on television. I’m certain Alec would read this blog as so many others have and write the same thing to me… “My story is almost exactly the same as yours. In some cases, it’s literally verbatim!” I’m sure when I read his book, I will say the same damned thing.

Alec Baldwin is launching a crusade to change the way the divorce process operates. As an example, he will push to see that if there is no evidence that the father has been abusive to the school-aged kids, he gets equal custody of the child right away. He would also like to see co-parenting coaching in an effort to prevent the types of alienation of children that he’s purported to have experienced with Ireland at the hands of Basinger.

One of his closing quotes during the segment is one that I repeat in some way, shape, or form at least 2- to 3-times per month:

“Everything with my daughter now is fine. Everything with my daughter is great, so long as the mother stays… out… of… the way.”

It’s my feeling exactly. Despite knowing the answer, and that is, I believe my PEW is truly ill, I often ask myself why she does and says the things she does. Why does she treat me the way she does, despite now having her divorce and distance between us? Why does she persist in the chaos and terror when all I want is the minimum contact necessary on matters of importance and relevant to the children? Why does she persist when I couldn’t care less what she does or is doing with her life provided it doesn’t negatively impact the children?

The bottom line is that if the psycho ex’s of the world would simply carry on with their lives and share custody of the children and limit contact to only what is absolutely necessary - life would be so much better for everyone, including them!

It’s really hard to describe the feelings that overcome one in the midst of a situation like this break-in. I call it a “break-in” because that’s exactly what it was. I had the locks changed since her move-out and made the mistake of leaving downstairs windows “cracked” when I left for work. So, she ripped-out the screen, opened the window and let herself and the children into the house.

Yes - the children.

This was the first shocker for me and I remained extraordinarily calm given the situation. I couldn’t believe she had done this in front of the children, then ages 5 and 3. I had great neighbors on a wonderful block and the most heartbreaking part of this whole ordeal was the big, bright smiles on the faces of both boys and the excitement in their voices when, during that evening when they were out front playing, they were telling our next-door neighbors, excitedly, “Yeah! Mom and Dad are getting back together and we’re so excited! This is really great!” To keep a solid face I had to work very hard to choke back tears and sadness and do the parental side-stepping that was something akin to telling them, “…oh, we’ll see, there are a lot of things that need to be discussed” …and avoid ripping their hearts out of their chest again. The PEW would take care of that the next day. I still get butterflies and sadness when I think about those couple of days when I remember how the kids were.

The details of the events are best described in my petition for protection from abuse for the dates in question (9/1 & 9/2, 2004):

My wife and I had a hearing on the morning of 9/1/2004. The judge ruled in my favor, which my PEW rather upset.

Upon returning home, I changed my clothes and went to a meeting at work. At approximately 1:45PM, my phone activated and caller ID indicated that the call was coming from my home. I removed myself from the meeting and answered the phone.

The PEW identified herself to me and said, “I just wanted to let you know that I’ve broken into the house and I already check with the police. There isn’t a fucking thing you can do about it, either. I’m moving back in and I am going to make your life a living hell until you have no choice but to sell this house!”

I tried to convince The PEW to leave the home with the children. I told her that I understand that she was entitled to be there, but it didn’t have to happen today. She refused to leave and we ended the conversation.

At that time I called police radio and asked [town's] police to send a patrol car to the home to see what was going on.

Soon thereafter, I arrived home to discover that no police had been dispatched. As PEW had stolen my firearms that I won from the home approximately 6-months ago and their return was again discussed in the morning, I asked if she had them with her and if I could have them back, at which time she replied menacingly, “Your guns? Yeah, you’ll get them back all right - you better be careful what you ask for!”

I understood that to be a threat. I again called the police and urged them to send someone over right away as I was on the premises, as was my wife and my children and that things were escalating. I believe I said that I “strongly advised” them to come to the home.

Within minutes the police arrived and spoke to us separately. They advised me that PEW was adamant about staying and that neither they nor I could force her to leave.

Later in that evening, around 10:00 PM, PEW and I had a relatively civil discussion about what transpired and of our general circumstances. PEW expressed her frustration with the situation, her living arrangements, her mounting legal bills. Of particularly serious concern to me, PEW stated specifically that she is having trouble dealing with all of this and she, “felt like ending it all” which I took as a clear reference to suicide. Furthermore, during our portion of the discussion regarding our custody issues, she said to me, “If I lose my children, I don’t know what I’d do, probably kill myself.”

This erratic behavior has me concerned for my children’s welfare, my own welfare, and even her welfare.

On Thursday, 9/2/2004, I had to run some errands in the morning. One of my stops included the police station, where I filed a report with Officer So-And-So. I informed him of my discussion and PEW’s suicide references. I further expressed to him my fear that PEW may try to hurt herself and then try to accuse me of doing it or attempt to provoke a physical confrontation. After he took my report, I headed home.

I arrived home at approximately 11:00 AM. once there, I sat down with PEW to discuss the drop-off and pick-up of S1 for school. I made a call to the after-care program to adjust my registration from full-week to drop-in.

PEW informed me that she was taking the boys to her apartment to pick-up their hermit-crabs and some other things. She returned approximately 90-minutes later without anything from the apartment. It was approximately 2:00 PM. I awakened from a nap and informed PEW of my intentions to go into work.

PEW asked me to wait, let the boys out into the yard, and she went into the bathroom. Upon exiting the bathroom, she informed me that she was moving back out. I was shocked because the boys were already very confused by the previous days’ events. They were telling our neighbors that, “…mommy and daddy were getting back together.” Now, she was telling them that they were not moving back in.

I expressed extreme displeasure at this revelation and thought this behavior could have extreme negative effects on the children. It was then that PEW charged at me and started yelling at me and she raised her hands as if she was going to strike me. Given my suspicions that she would try to engage me in a physical confrontation, I backed away from her, telling her, “Be careful! This could cost you your kids!”

She continued to yell at me, approaching me again with a raised hand. I moved towards the steps that lead to the front door. I demanded the house key and PEW refused. I told her I was going to take the van keys. I didn’t threaten PEW at any time. However, she called the police.

By this time, I had exited the marital residence and went to my vehicle which was parked across the street. The boys were in the house now, upstairs and looking out the open front window at me. PEW came storming out front and went berzerk in the driveway. In an effort to get the attention of the neighbors, PEW began shouting at the top of her lungs, all within view and hearing of the children, “DO YOU PEOPLE KNOW WHAT KIND OF NEIGHBOR YOU HAVE?!?! HE’S AN ABUSER, A FUCKING-ASSHOLE (repeatedly), A HOMOSEXUAL, AND REAL MAN WOULD HAVE LEFT THE HOUSE AND ALLOWED THE WOMAN TO STAY!!!” The language was filthy, vile, full of expletives - and S1 was clearly unnerved by what he was witnessing. When she had completed her tirade, she threw the house key in the grass. The police then arrived, including Officer So-And-So with whom I filed the report earlier in the day. Soon after a talking to by the police, PEW left with the boys.

In my estimation, this erratic behavior pattern is becoming increasingly more aggressive and is demonstrating that PEW has little regard for the welfare of the children. I am concerned for the safety of the children, my own safety, and even PEW’s safety from herself.

It is also important to note that after telling me the prior evening that she fired her attorney - during the confrontation on 9/2/2004, PEW told me that she did not fire her attorney and that the attorney had advised PEW to re-enter the home, causing all of this upset and strife for the children and me, but for what end I don’t know. I find PEW’s behavior threatening and detrimental to the children most especially.

The entire situation was surreal, there is no other way to explain it. At least I had the sense enough to file a report with the police and accurately predicted what her intentions were.

Worthy of note:

- Despite explaining to the police that she made a gun threat, they didn’t arrest her, because she apparently didn’t have the guns on her actual person. I’m absolutely certain that if the roles were reversed, I would have been arrested.

- Despite explaining that she had attempted to attack me and even despite the police witnessing some of her screaming and foul mouth, she was not arrested. I’m absolutely certain that if the roles were reversed, I would have been arrested.

Frankly, I think I was lucky that I wasn’t arrested.

At least I took the necessary steps, short of moving out, to maximizing self-protection and it appeared to have worked.

To this day, I’m astounded that his major incident was never considered by any custody evaluator as relevant to determining her stability or her ability to parent the children effectively… but this would be one of many harsh lessons I would learn over the course of the coming months and years.

Separately, learn about the abuse of restraining orders: Without Restraint - The Use and Abuse of Restraining Orders. You can also do a simple google search for “restraining order abuse” and find alarming information.

I count myself lucky that I was actually able to get one, for what little good it did me, given the circumstances. What is quite ironic was that reality is, women use them overwhelmingly as a weapon in a divorce and custody situation. Custody Evaluator 1 will dismiss my offering of same as “lawyer posturing to get an upper-hand in the custody situation” despite PEW’s acceptance of guilt to avoid a hearing. Have I mentioned that if the roles were reversed what my expectations would be?