The Psycho Ex Wife

Have your own psycho ex? Get a FREE Report on "Why Co-Parenting Doesn't Work", or learn how to win child custody with a custody coach.

Consider this a follow-up to the guest post:  “It’s Not That They Won’t, They Can’t”

For those of us dealing with a situation in which we have to interact with a borderline (or suspected borderline), this follow-up offers an overview of the drivers of their behaviors and their inability to control them without intervention.  It can be difficult to wrap our heads around, but if you can set aside your own personal experiences for just a moment and consider the illness, it does offer important, if not “difficult to digest” insight.

———-

WATCH OUT FOR THE “BORDER-LION”

Have you ever wondered why your ex-partner (or partner’s ex-partner) can have hysterical outbursts, hitting objects and even threatening violence toward others? There is a technical name for this behavior: impulsive aggression.

In my book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells, I call it the “border-lion” because it’s a ferocious beast that is uncaged when person’s emotions are so strong and overwhelming they can’t be contained. (Impulsive aggression is not exclusive to BPD, but a component of several impulse control disorders such as intermittent explosive disorder.)

Impulsive aggression:

• Is impulsive, unplanned, and reckless (that is, the person gives no thought to the consequences of his actions). Impulsivity is a key point.
• Can be triggered by threats of rejection or abandonment paired with frustration.
• Is like a biological “tug-of-war” between the logical and emotional aspects of the brain, in which the logical side loses. These aggressive tendencies can be inherited.
• It comprises verbal hostility, physical hostility, or both, with the purpose of hurting another person or self.
• It can: be turned outward, (such as outbursts, rages, hitting objects, or violence toward others) or inward (such as suicide attempts or self-injury).

The first rule of communicating with an enraged BP is know when not to communicate! Safety, physical and emotional, always comes first. Here is an excerpt from The Essential Family Guide:

Gauge the intensity of your family member’s anger on a scale of one to ten, with ten being high. According to Christopher Bojrab, MD, people with BPD may be able to calm themselves down when the emotional level ranges from one to five. At six and above, without treatment they may not be able to calm themselves down.

If your family member is at a six or higher, visualize the emotional centers of his brain going ka-ching! ka-ching! ka-ching! like a slot machine spewing forth tokens. Your family member’s thoughts and feelings are warped and what he’s saying makes about as much sense as throwing away your hard-earned money in games you know are designed to put your cash into the casino’s pocket.

Don’t listen to your family member berate you and call you names. Right now, he can’t see your point of view or think through the effects of his interactions with others. It’s not that he won’t; it’s that he can’t. Verbal abuse harms you: ongoing, repeated verbal assaults can be every bit as emotionally devastating as physical battering-especially when it is meted out by an intimate partner or by someone in a position of authority. Anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression are all tied to verbal abuse.

Instead, bring the interaction to a temporary close. Say, “I will not discuss this any more if you continue to yell. I am willing to be supportive and listen if you can tell me what it is you want and need.” If the rage continues, leave immediately (or ask your family member to leave).

Repeat any of the following statements. Don’t argue or try to have the last word. Notice that these statements don’t point fingers at your family director:

• “I want to hear about it, but it’s hard for me when things get too emotional” (instead of “you get too emotional”).
• “We’ll talk later, when things calm down. I want to give you my full attention, and that’s too hard for me to do right now.”
• “I can’t listen right now. Not until things are calmer.”
• “Let me have a little while to calm down and then we can talk.”

Say to yourself:

• “I am not going to take this personally. This is the border-lion talking.”
• “If I stay here and argue, things are going to escalate. If I stay and get beaten down, it’s going to hurt me and the relationship.”
• “My family member can’t grasp all that right now, but I can. I am deciding to do what’s best, even if it doesn’t feel comfortable right now. It will get more comfortable as I keep doing it.”

Although impulsive aggression has a genetic basic and can be treated with medication, that doesn’t excuse the behavior. But keeping this in mind may help you depersonalize it.

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. IT’S PROBABLY NOT ABOUT ANY IMMEDIATE ISSUES BUT SOMETHING DEEPER.

Sources:

1. http://www.mhsanctuary.com/Borderline/siever.htm

2. The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells (2008) Hazelden Publishing.

In late May, Mr. M. announced that I would begin submitting articles to help you understand and cope with your ex-partner who may have borderline personality disorder (BPD) or narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). (One in four individuals with BPD also has NPD.) I meant to make my first post before now, but better late than never.

I thought I would begin by disclosing that I’ve been in the role as the supporter of a man who sought visitation of an 11-year-old child, which was opposed by her mildly borderline mother. Like many supporters, I got very triggered and emotionally involved. It was the worse year of my life (not counting four years of high school, but that’s another story.)

Luckily, the dispute was resolved in my friend’s favor. I thought the rest of the years until she turned 18 would be a nightmare. But luckily, the mother realized that the oceans would not swallow up the earth should my friend be awarded visitation. In fact, she learned she got some time off. Today, the daughter is thirty-something and has a healthy marriage with a toddler and stepchild. She is happy and healthy, but has never disclosed her own perceptions of that year (I would have killed to know at the time) but I know much better than to ask.

I have many ideas about future postings, starting with the basics of BPD and NPD (because the two are so closely aligned). Today, I thought I would start briefly with a mantra you can all tell yourselves: It’s not that your own BPD PEW person WON”T act reasonably. It’s that he or she CAN’T. There is an enormous difference between WON’T and CAN’T. We will talk more about that later.

I am interested in knowing what you would like to hear about. Please drop me an email. I can’t address your specific problem (sorry) but I can talk about general issues.

Warmly,

Randi Kreger

Randi @BPDCentral.com

BPDCentral

On Thursday, May 28th, 2009, I had the opportunity to have a telephonic “meet and greet” with an expert on the subject of Borderline Personality Disorder, Randi Kreger.

From Randi Kreger’s Biography page:

Some 24 million people in North America alone have a family member with Borderline Personality Disorder, a serious mental illness characterized by pervasive instability in moods, behavior, and interpersonal relationships. The illness that causes enormous suffering–not only for those who have it, but for their families as well. Author and BPD advocate Randi Kreger has brought the concerns of these family members to an international forefront.

Kreger was also instrumental in the formation of the Personality Disorders Awareness Network (PDAN), a not-for-profit organization. She speaks and gives workshops about BPD throughout the United States [and abroad].

Many have learned from Randi’s passion and knowledge on the subject of BPD and I can tell you that I am one of them.  In addition to early publications such as:

• Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
• Stop Walking on Eggshells Workbook: Practical Strategies for Living with Someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder

She adds her latest effort: The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tips and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells.

I did read and review Stop Walking on Eggshells. (Click the link to read it, I recommended it!)

Our pleasant discussion evolved into a chat of how to further our respective efforts in spreading important information about mental illness (specifically BPD), teaching coping techniques, communication techniques, how to handle children born of a relationship with a BPD, among others.

I am pleased to announce that, along with other contributors, you will soon see guest columns by Randi Kreger appearing here at The Psycho Ex-Wife website.  Randi, as one of the world’s foremost authorities on Borderline Personality Disorder, will provide additional, critical insight for our readers dealing with such a condition in any number of ways.  Further, in conjunction with our soon-to-be launched website, Mr. Custody Coach, expect to participate in teleconferences and workshops with Randi Kreger and others we’re currently lining up!

You can visit Randi Kreger’s website here: BPD Central.  We are pleased to have her “on-board” at The Psycho Ex-Wife and Mr. Custody Coach.

With the economy in the tank, a number of states are being forced to address the issue of child support when the NCP (non-custodial parent) has lost their income.

Back in the old days, it was easy to label any man who lost his job as a “Deadbeat Dad,” assume he was deliberately unemployed so that he could get out of child support, impute his income anyway, and keep the federal CS-matching pipeline open. Men who lost their jobs remained current on their child support by living in poverty, sleeping on couches and blow-up beds because they could no longer afford housing, and borrowing from parents, friends, and anyone else who would loan them money; just to keep themselves out of jail while supplementing the lifestyle of a freeloading ex — all “in the best interests of the children,” of course.

Now that job-loss is front page news; now that it’s somewhat politically incorrect to be so heartless; now that layoffs are happening to so many in the mainstream that the “deadbeat” label seems ludicrous, not to mention implausible… state legislators find themselves wringing their hands over how to continue to squeeze at least a little bit of blood from the proverbial stone.

Keep in mind that before the reality of the recession hit, a man who lost his job could petition for a modification of child support to match his new (lack of) income… but now that unemployment has more than doubled, court dockets are being bombarded, child support enforcement agencies are clogged with new cases - states are looking for ways to streamline the process while still optimizing their precious income source.

Many pundits are now clamoring for even MORE government oversight of the child support operation because — so the claim goes — if fathers don’t support their children, then the state will be forced to provide for them instead, via welfare and other entitlement programs.

It’s a false dichotomy.

There is another option. An option that restores children to BOTH parents. An option that teaches children the values of responsibility, hard work, and integrity. An option that instantly slices in half the odds that any child will be forced into poverty. An option that cuts wasteful government intrusion. An option so obvious, it still truly astounds me that nobody has brought it out in the mainstream.

Therefore, I present it here. It is simply this:

ANY parent, male or female, can be assumed to be competent to parent their children. ANY parent, male or female, can be assumed to be competent to provide for their children.

Therefore, in divorce, the de facto presumption — barring serious, proven, demonstrated endangerment or neglect — is that both parents shall have joint custody, both parents shall have 50/50 access, and both parents shall contribute 50% to the children’s support. Each parent will provide for and care for the children during the 50% of the time that the children are with them. No money will change hands, because neither parent will expect anyone else to meet their personal obligation and responsibility for their children. Any parent who would not step up to their obligation to provide for and care for their children during their 50% of the time would then be held in contempt of their order.

Now I know — I know — there will be parents who abuse this solution. They will play silly games; games with clothing, with children’s personal effects, with not taking kids to the doctor during their parenting time… etc. Guess what? The kind of parent who would do that to their child will do that to their child under any system, including the one that we currently use. While it’s true that there is nothing about the “True 50/50 Possession and Provision Plan” (TFPP) that prevents parents from being jerks with their kids, there is nothing about it that makes it any easier for parents to be jerks with their kids, either.

But, if states are looking to save themselves some money during these tough economic times, they could count up the cost of the office of child support enforcement, which would go away; and the cost of protracted custody battles, which would go away; and the immeasurable cost of supporting broken/damaged children who dropped out of school, began using drugs, broke the law, or had illegitimate children of their own as a result of the high-conflict divorce cartel that we currently employ.

If both parents are contributing equally to providing for their children, then the job loss of one parent would only have half the impact that it currently does. Indeed, even the probability of job loss is spread between two wage-earners, thus reducing risk. In addition, children learn that ALL adults are accountable for the choices that they make; ALL adults are responsible for the care of themselves and those they bring into the world; ALL adults are expected to work hard and produce something in this world. Who wouldn’t want to live in a society where children learned these values by example?

The TFPP plan makes perfect sense to me. Does it to you?

~jb

———-

About JB:

Collaborative Divorce Coach, Mediator, Family Mediator, Parent Coordinator, Communications Coach, Facilitator, Public Speaker, Instructor, Group Discussion Leader, Cognitive Psychology Aficionado, Life Management Training Assistant…. Absolutely passionate about protecting children from the ravages of divorce! Also — coaches, teaches, and consults in the online world Second Life as avatar Andi Martinsyde, at Reliable Divorce Consultants.

See all my blog posts at: thedivorcecoach-am.

“Oh, My Spouse Would NEVER Do That!”

I hear this repeated a lot with my clients - especially those who are just entering into the divorce process… maybe even just talking about it or thinking about it, and haven’t actually filed or moved out or anything.

The sad thing is, going through a divorce changes people. It brings out emotions of a type and intensity that they have never before experienced. It brings out behavior that nobody expects or predicts.

For those of us who sit outside of the divorce and dispassionately view the behavior going on inside, the craziness seems quite expected for a lot of reasons. For one thing, the soon-to-be-divorced person is now dealing with a spouse who no longer cares what they think. So the inhibiting factor of the spouse’s opinion is now gone. For another thing, both spouses are both engaging in an arena that is unfamiliar to them, but they are each hearing counsel and advice from a completely different set of voices. One is hearing from their attorney, their mother, their buddy at work, their golfing partner who went through his divorce five years ago and got screwed over… and the other is hearing from their attorney, their wise Dad, their hairdresser who went through her divorce three years ago and got screwed over… well, you see what I mean.

So, it’s easy to believe that you should expect the unexpected. It’s just that it doesn’t fit your current perception of your spouse. It can be troubling at best, and terrifying at worst, to realize that there is a person out there who is determined to destroy you. In actuality they are determined to preserve all that they believe is “fair” as they come away from your former family structure. And the reality is, preserving what’s “fair” means taking it from you. It just does. It also means (from their perspective) protecting themselves against you taking what you probably believe is “fair” from them. What it often looks like is “destroy the enemy” - i.e., YOU.

What does the unexpected behavior look like? Here’s an amazing (partial) list:

• He emptied out the bank accounts without her knowledge so that her checks bounced, then pressed for criminal charges against her.
• She increased the limits on all the credit cards without his knowledge, then ran them up to the max and refused to pay them.
• He sold antique heirloom jewelry of hers and kept the money.
• She smeared hamburger juice in hidden places so the house would stink, thus preventing its sale; so that she could remain in it for a longer period of time.
• He hacked into her e-mail account and made it appear that she was sending threatening hate missives to the judge and opposing attorney.
• She went to his workplace and lied to his boss, saying he was addicted to porn and that she suspected he was using his work computer to view it.
• He listed the name of his mother as his beneficiary on all accounts - since the last name was the same, nobody ever suspected.
• She told all the neighbors that he was a pedophile… resulting in dozens of “good citizen” calls to Family Protective Services for charges that were completely fabricated.
• He bribed the children to steal property from their mother’s house, including all of her divorce paperwork.
• She confiscated all of the Christmas gifts the children had received from him, sold them and kept the money.
• He listed her car and other valuables for sale in the Classifieds at ridiculously low prices, along with her private phone number and the advice to “call anytime, day or night”.
• She provoked a fight, assaulted him, screamed as though she was being attacked, and then called 9-1-1 and reported him for domestic violence.
• He sued for 50% of the house she had moved into when they separated, knowing that she had purchased it with her own separate money, but determined to invoke community property laws to lay claim to “his half” anyway.
• She hid the children at her boyfriend’s house, then told the ex-husband that the kids had been taken out of state - thus enticing him to bring a kidnapping charge and making himself look foolish when she later produced the children unharmed.

This is just a partial list of some of the most heinous behavior imaginable. This doesn’t even touch the very common occurrences of property destruction, asset hiding, and parental alienation that also regularly take place during divorce. And, in each and every instance, that person was given a warning of what was likely to happen, and in each instance, their response was, “Oh, my spouse would never do that!”

You may be right. Your spouse, that person you fell in love with and married, probably would never do any of these things. But we are not talking about that person. We are talking about your soon-to-be-ex spouse; the one that is terrified, angry, disappointed, and ashamed. The one that is hearing the voices of a thousand advocates saying “get them before they get you”. The one that is responding to emotions that he or she never knew existed, and still is not fully aware of. The one that no longer cares what you think of him or her, because you aren’t going to stay married anyway. The one that feels awful, and believes that they will only feel better if they have scorched the earth behind your sorry remains.

Gentle settlement is always the best way. But gentle settlement doesn’t mean leaving yourself a sitting duck, waiting for your trust to be violated by a person that you no longer know. Gentle settlement means hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. And yes, that means assume your spouse WOULD do that… and prepare to prevent it from happening. A good divorce coach can both sound that warning, and show you ways to forestall the bad behavior. And that is what allows healing and recovery to follow.

Peace.

About JB:

Collaborative Divorce Coach, Mediator, Family Mediator, Parent Coordinator, Communications Coach, Facilitator, Public Speaker, Instructor, Group Discussion Leader, Cognitive Psychology Aficionado, Life Management Training Assistant…. Absolutely passionate about protecting children from the ravages of divorce! Also — coaches, teaches, and consults in the online world Second Life as avatar Andi Martinsyde, at Reliable Divorce Consultants.

See all my blog posts at: thedivorcecoach-am.