The Psycho Ex Wife

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LM,

I was not married to someone with BPD, I was raised by someone with BPD. When I was 21 she was finally diagnosed with depression and about 6 years ago was diagnosed BPD. She is taking medication for the depression, but refuses the therapy. So the BPD is still present in every interaction that we have.

All of my life I knew there was something wrong. Never did we have a rational conversation without her yelling or crying or trying to make me feel guilty about ruining her life. It was very difficult. I was lucky that I had my father who was always quiet and rational. He helped me to see that her behavior wasn’t normal. He helped me to build up emotional defenses against her attacks. He taught me how to distance myself from her emotionally and helped me keep the damage minimal. I hope that your time with your kids is as beneficial to them.

I still deal with her on a daily basis, and had always struggled to do so, until I found your site. The IM’s are so similar to what I go through, the strange direction that every conversation takes. Many of our conversations now, (I’m 36) lead back to what I did when I was 14, and how evil I am. This site has helped me see the pattern. I now understand when the first sign of an attack is coming and I know then that it is time to go home, or hang up the phone. I have learned so much from this web-site about minimal contact, and steering the conversation, and cutting off communication if the conversation starts down the wrong path. I will forever be grateful for this site.

Everyday I think about showing my Dad the web-site, because I know how he would relate to it, but for now, we don’t speak of her illness. He has been walking on egg shells for 40 years and the prospect of change scares him. It is just a silent understanding that we have and maybe just a quick “you know how your mom is” comment that we use to reassure each other and build each other up. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to send him to your site, but until then, I will just continue to use what you teach me and to remember that I am not alone.

Once again, thank you!

TB

You’re so very welcome. Thanks for the positive feedback.

~LM & DW

I have been reading your site. I am interested in every different viewpoint; but, my personal question to you, is: why, if you really think your ex-wife has serious mental health issues….why is it something to talk about on the internet?

I mean no disrespect; and, like I said, I have been reading some, but I work with mentally ill individuals, and I have also dealt with a serious depressive disorder in my own life. It would disturb me terribly, if I felt that others were speaking of my clients, or myself using terms such as “crazy”, or “nutcase”.

I know first-hand the pain of divorce for children. Of course, my parents have been divorced since I was a year old; however, there were issues all the years of my life between myself and the two of them. I came to realize they were all about getting at each other, instead of showing real concern about me during those times. However, my mother was the one who really cared about me overall. And, I believe from what I have read on your site, that you are the parent who really cares about your childrens’ welfare, overall.

It must be hellish to deal with someone who is potentially borderline. I don’t do well with borderline folks. Most counselors won’t even see them as clients because their personality disorder makes them rather impossible to help. I realize this. It’s just that I can’t understand what purpose it serves to not “rise above” the borderline personality’s issues and focus on the positives in one’s present life.

Honestly, I am very interested in your story, and the stories that others have shared on your site. I just wonder if the benefit of ranting outweighs the stress you experience with this woman and her family members.?

I hope the best for you with your children. My fear is the scars that may result because of your ex-wife’s disorder and the probability that your children will know and feel your stress and resentments toward their mother.

Children do suffer. And I just hope someday the woman will come to realize the issues and seek help for herself. Borderlines can eventually be helped. It’s like anything else; they have to realize they have problems, and the whole thing about the disorder is that they don’t think they do have problems. This is actually part of the disorder. That’s why it is so difficult to work with these folks. BUT, there is hope for them. That would be my wish; for your childrens’ sakes.

Sincerely…
TS

Why is it something I want to talk about on the internet?

There are a lot of reasons why it is something I want to talk about and the feedback I receive from readers supports my decision every single day.

This question was asked of me when I was interviewed for a piece that was published on divorce360.com. In response to that question, I explained, “The site is intended to help people in similar situations. “I had always felt like no one really knew or quite understood the level of chaos that had existed in my life, and this was a way to express it all without burdening others with such horror or having to explain myself, re-explain myself.” It served as a means to tell the truth of my experiences but to no one in particular.”

That is how I defined the reason for starting this site in January of 2008. Soon thereafter, we started getting an incredible amount of feedback from people who truly felt as isolated as I did, going through very similar situations. That’s when the site, for me and hopefully others, took on a more meaningful purpose. I am not alone nor are others who are embroiled in such similar situations. I pray that their realizations prevent them from the self-trapping that I did. I felt I had nowhere to turn and had I discovered a place like this a long time ago, I may have been compelled to make some better choices much earlier in the relationship. Maybe I would have been more honest with myself and with others about what I was going through and gotten more help and guidance for myself and/or the children.

It’s what people do when going through something as significant as this. They isolate themselves out of fear. Fear of a lack of understanding. Fear of burdening others with thier troubles. Fear of abandonment. The sense of relief and the release of the anxiety of feeling so isolated is evident in the communications I get from others.

Contrary to your concerns regarding the potential for my children to sense the stress and resentment - it’s not my website that will risk doing that - it’s the actual experiences that we have all endured and will continue to go through due to the failed relationship between the PEW and I. In fact, I would be quick to tell you that this outlet of sharing and caring greatly reduces the stress and any resentment I feel towards the PEW. Further, it reduces the stress and anxiety those close to me feel (especially DW) because I’m not just unloading on those people. I can do it here and hopefully be doing something productive in the process - not just for me, but for anyone who cruises by here for a read.

On the flip side, I don’t feel bad about the scant few terms I use for my ex-wife and some others in her family. When you consider that I am no longer affected so deeply by the terms that she uses for me, including: spousal abuser, drug addict, alcoholic, homosexual, faggot, impotent, asshole, child abuser, falsely filing reports with CPS, calling the police for no particular reason… and the list goes on and on and on… categorizing her actions as nutty or psycho, aside from being accurate (unlike hers), are tame by comparison. Like you, and I have mentioned it several times on this site - I wish the very same for PEW - that she would recognize what she’s actually going through and take steps to manage it effectively to the benefit of everyone. That is no lie.

Finally, I have many positives which I focus on in life. The work that I do on this site doesn’t mean that I don’t. Every single day is a lot of hard work to rise above the BPD and the experiences of dealing with her. I have a lot to be thankful for - a wonderful partner in DW, 2 children of my own, 2 step-children, great family and friends, a great job, and the list goes on. As long as my site serves to help people, entertain people (to some small degree), educate people, and be an outlet for shaking off the bad experiences… I’ll keep doing it.

~LM

Dear DW and LM,

Sincerely,
CZ

CZ & DH,

No problem and you aren’t the first… and won’t be the last to benefit from this strategy. Not only does it mitigate your insanity… they’re often too stupid to keep from giving you evidence that may be crucial down the road (rages, threats, etc.).

Good for you guys!!!

Sincerely,
Mister-M

Dear LM & DW,

~Meg

Meg,

You wouldn’t be the first Psychiatrist (or Psychologist) we’ve heard from who simply wants to avoid working with people suffering from borderline personality disorder. They are very difficult people to treat and it takes an almost inexhaustible supply of patience and care. Sadly, they do need real help and hopefully you are able to withstand the emotional and mental strain that they seem to put upon everyone - even professionals such as you.

Good luck and let us know what you ultimately decide.

~LM & DW

Dear LM & DW,

My ex works for the [company deleted] in [city deleted] - he took out a restraining order on me because I drove him off the edge

I love the double standard - they treat their wives like dirt and walk out - then get restraining orders because the courts offer them that convenience. [The] last thing they need on earth is a convenience - because they’ll use it - Congress needs to shut down this restraining order business - you should be able to get on UTube and post it like it is - I bought my husband’s name on a website address - that’s also a good one!

Now I get arrested if I even go to [city deleted]. I’m barred from entering [city deleted]. Says that right on the order. So I’m going over to [Deleted] Court and bar something else - hopefully him from walking around without a prison uniform on.

S.

Reminders of just how good I actually have it just pop up sometimes. This actually came to us with the subject line: I am a psycho ex-wife!