The Psycho Ex Wife

Have your own psycho ex? Get a FREE Report on "Why Co-Parenting Doesn't Work", or learn how to win child custody with a custody coach.

An email like this during the holiday season is about as great a gift to us as one can give.  It’s a gift from the writer to those who live a horrifying life with a personality disordered partner to others who believe there is no hope for themselves.  It’s very serious and illustrates just how far into the depths of despair someone can get when they become a willing captive in a relationship with a person who suffers from borderline personality disorder.  We likely won’t ever get the chance to hear from someone who has gone completely over “that edge.”  Today, we’ll read what it’s like from someone who has gone right to the edge and taken a peek over.  With his permission (edited for various protection purposes)…

Subject: Thank You So Much

Dear LM,

I would personally like to thank you for you have single-handedly saved me from my suicide. It’s been 2 months since I broke up with a girlfriend who suffers from BPD. After the break up I was unaware of how her manipulation had a strong grip on me. Right after the break up, a day after, I felt happy being out the relationship which lasted for 2 years  and 1 month.

I know I wasn’t the perfect boyfriend and I did cheat on her but I can now see why I did it. At  the start of the relationship she rewarded me with sex, items, but never ever true affection. Never having experienced a relationship I thought this was a normal act, but deep down I knew something was wrong with it.

There were times where she would seek to get intoxicated badly, or do some kind of drug so she could “feel normal once more.” I felt an odd vibe but I refused to associate it with any thing bad, even though my brain was screaming “CRAZY GIRL!!!” I was blinded by her reward system. I just ignored the warnings. Another big warning that I pushed aside was how her compliments never held a logical sense, like she was never really there when it was time to compliment and they always were the same thing. “You got a big penis.” “You are the only one that make me feel normal.” “I love.” “You are sexy.” The biggest one I should not have ignored was how she wanted our relationship to move so quickly.  In fact, before she broke up with me, she became upset that I didn’t marry her quicker.  When I told her this pace isn’t a normal pace, she grew even more mad and decided to break up. I was so hurt by her sudden decision that I was thrown in to a deep depression. I think I bombed my school semester. I began to have severe depression and anxiety attacks.  As a matter of fact, I was in such a shock that I started crying in my college math class and the professor excused me because she though I was crying because of the math difficulty.

She went from a woman who showered me with love to a woman who wouldn’t give me closure, would attack my weaknesses, twist my words in to things only she felt, and she took a cruel enjoyment out of hearing me crying and having a break down. I thought I deserved all this because I cheated on her, but little did I know that this wasn’t normal.  The woman I fell in love with was now my tormentor. How did she go from a caring person to a person who didn’t understand how much pain I was in? She heard me pleading with her about how much emotional pain she was putting me through and all I wanted was closure - to say something nice about me before I moved on with my life.  Instead she would tell me how that is not what she wants. I would ask her, “Do you want me to be part of your life?” and she wouldn’t reply any thing that was logical. I was becoming more mentally sick as I struggled with her to the point that I thought I was suffering from borderline personality disorder. Since she also used a lot of projection tactics on me, I was forgetting she was the one diagnosed and took on the role of the abuser.

I was so confused with her attitude that soon after - I became the blamed for not understanding that. “Back off you’re smothering and you don’t care about me.” Isn’t that ironic? Or she’d say, “You only want me for sex and you don’t find me sexy!”  Is that a normal thing to say? I thought I was so insane that I wanted to kill myself.

She lead me to believe I was mentally sick with an illness that lead me to hurt other people for my own pleasure.  This was not true and when I fought back her claims she would grow even more upset. A woman who I loved and care so for so much was tormenting me and I was not able to see through the fog to see her lashing out at me.  If I did, she would justify it by blaming me for cheating. Right when she went back to her home for college break she decided to drop me out of her life like I was not worth it. Blaming me for all her “shitty mood and how she didn’t wanted to deal with it any more.” I didn’t understand how she could throw me away like that after tormenting me. I don’t know why, but at the time my mind just wanted to hold on to her even if she was tormenting me.

I wanted to kill myself and been thinking it for the past week or so in until I found your site. Reading through it and seeing how I can relate to some of the actions you experienced, even though some are not as bad as yours, I was inspired to not end this way - not for a woman who isn’t normal. Never did she appreciated me emotionally.  Instead she appreciated how normal I made her feel/seem because now that I think about it, her biggest fear was that I knew who she really was inside. A sad tormented soul who rarely truly smiles and is slowly losing her grip on reality.  She is slave to her ever changing emotions.

Thank you for granting me a Christian’s gift of inner peace and knowledge and I hope you can inspire more borderline personality victims like myself to not give up.

Happy holidays to you and your family.
From your fan - Another Non-BPD

This was quite a bit to digest. I am grateful to all of those who have seen fit to share their stories with us. If we are able to help people, in some small way, wade through such messes, I give you my word that it’s a priceless gift to us. If we are able to help in bigger ways like this, all the better.

We certainly can give “ANB” our promise that there is a lot of life left to live and a lot of people worthy to share in his life, including family, friends, and other loved-ones. Obviously, it will take considerable time and a lot of work to get life completely turned around, but I give ANB our assurance that it’s the best thing to do. I replied…

Dear ANB,

Please try to take comfort in the reality that you are the furthest thing from the only one going through such turbulent relationships with a disordered significant other.

The most important thing for you to do right now is to get yourself into therapy in an effort to repair the damage done to you and your personality. Get back to the person you once were, get yourself healthy, and put your well-being at the top of your priority list. Getting better after such an unhealthy experience isn’t easy, but people do it every single day with the right guidance and the ability to be completely honest with your therapist in figuring out how things progressed to the point they did before it ended.

Be aware that the split from your ex is just the beginning of turning your life around. More important - is getting to the root of your own issues that allowed you to walk so far down this path and learning to avoid these mistakes in the future.

We’re grateful to have had a part in helping you get started. Now, it’s up to you to get the help you need to climb your way out of that hole and live the rest of your life to the fullest! Surround yourself with great friends, family, and love this holiday season and recognize that there is so much and so many to live for.

Merry Christmas to you and yours. We sincerely hope the New Year for you and everyone is better than all those that passed before it!

Sincerely,
Mister-M

We’ve exchanged some other pleasantries and I hope ANB stays in touch and gets back on track.  This is the foundation for a success story and we pray for ANB - that he continues to climb that mountain back to good health and lives a fulfilling life.

This is what the effort is all about.  And ANB - your story and willingness to share it will help others, too.  Thank you for a wonderful Christmas gift.

For the time being, the number of these types of emails are very few and very far between.  In fact, I think I’ve gotten three total hate mails, all of which I have posted.  This one was clearly a cry for attention and we debated a good deal as to whether or not we would entertain posting it on the blog as it would just feed the beast.  I can easily visualize this writer and his/her friends coming here each day to see if it’s shown up yet so they can brag about how clever they were in “taking Mister-M behind the wood-shed” via an email assault.

Well, I can’t help it.  This is just too funny and, in some ways, quite sad - and we couldn’t pass up the opportunity for the writer to share with his/her buddies how the educational system… or his parents… or his friends… or some combination of all of them have failed them so miserably.

Subject: blown away

To whatever your name is,

.. I wont be holding my breath. But if you do read this, whatever your name may be, selling books and doing wackjob shink analysis to people online is somthing you shouldnt mess with.

I found your sight disgusting. I really feel sorry for your kid and your lucky ex wife. I Think we’ll call those type of women LEW’s. She sure as hell is LUCKY EX WIFE…….We all know why shes crazy, who the fuck wouldnt be?

Im sure that you will keep that nicely underwraps thanks to a little thing called being addicted to pretending to be a shrink. You dont care how bad your advice is dude, you just love the whole “rockstar” syndrome that comes along with putting a book you made with some cheap assed costco software, and a jumblefuck web sight.

I can see your beedy eyes squinting over your laptop, feeling all important, while your in protective custody after one of your fans, flips the fuck out all over your retard ass. Dont even pass yourself off as a shrink dude.

Dear Abbey you are far from Son…

Here, this is what “you would say to you”……

You are doing the “mirror effect” your lookin in the mirror, and the “poor me” life your describing, that you LITERALLY BLAME ON your ex is what you have come to embrace. For a while now im guessing….

How do you look in the mirror? Or at your kid with honesty and love? Your doing the opposite a good co-parent should do. When you put the other parent down ASSHOLE you are putting your child down …..YOUR crazy wife is her mommy…..Deal with it ! Do somthing for others for once instead of for your own glorification….. You obviously dont have alot of family, and your ex obviously doesnt have any family support, because if her brother was half the brother mine is, thats if she had one, he would kick your knobby ass from here to TX.
Heres hoping you pull your head out of your ass…..for your childs sake if anything….

and i dont think your little “PEW” tags gonna be a new word. I bet you tried to patten it. I bet you
made a little entry in Wikapedia didnt you? yeah, so easy…..

Heres one…imagine my hand in the shape of an “L” going up to my forhead. Repeat ever so slowly after me…..L O O S E R . Thats right….Nuf said sugar.

Id be embarassed if you were my dad, then id go CRAZY Karowack on your ass…that little girl doesnt have very good odds dealin with life with a SINGLE parent thats anti co-parenting? Are u kidding me? What an excuse to not get along with the person who was suckered into marrying you.

Your are a very disrespectful iindividual..

Im not even calling you a man…..Disrespectful to mothers, and even fathers who do it out of love.
Parents who are PARENTING arnt constantly seeking a pat on the back for doing the right thing. You want a bunch of money for bashing the mentally ill, and once again i cant stress enough how most anyone would snap with ur garbage if they had to be around you for even a day…

Normal healthy PARENTS DONT WANT to be rewarded for doing somthing “heroic” and they sure as hell dont want to be the meek little victim guy. I cant even call you a man, dude…dam
You really stink of bitterness and tit for tat bullshit.

gag me.

I dare you to put this on your piece of crap low budget “crap for thought” sight.

By the way it was really disgracing to put Dean Martin on there with your fag song, who was known I might add, to be a bitchin dad and family man !!!!!!!
somthing i pray you will “get” someday…… …Im just kidding, im not waistin my thoughts on you..

May your book sales be used to take care of YOUR mental illness when YOUR hospitalized for a couple months. Your gonna need the cash. I bet your LEW wont be talking smack about her father either… Set the example skippy.

That’s the entire message, unedited.  I don’t even know where to begin.   I would go with the easiest wise-crack retorts, such as ask if s/he used a spell-checker before sending this.  I pasted it into MSWord and ran the spell-checker on the email.  It broke.  The engineers at Microsoft are going to have their hands full trying to figure out how this was even possible.

I want to convince myself that the writer of the above email is a pre-teen.  In fact, my reply to the writer was…

Dear [Writer],

You “dare” me?  What are you, 12? Maybe if you “double dog dare” me, I’ll do it.  Think about it.

Sincerely,
Mister-M

This, unsurprisingly, resulted in a follow-up hate-mail where the writer identified themselves as being 15. The problem is, I’ve seen tripe like this from people who are well into their adult years, replete with all of the same spelling errors, failed punctuation, improper word choice, etc. Our children can write with more eloquence and accuracy than this guy/gal, but then we’ve taught our children how to pick up a dictionary and a thesaurus.

My writing, both personally and professionally, is far from the picture of perfection.  This is a disgrace and let this be a lesson to the writer - when you can’t string together a coherent thought in written form, whatever your message may have been will be lost.

Subject: Time to get off the Victim bridge and swim on over to the Accountability shore!

Dear River,

i say that because d’nial aint just a river in Egypt, secondly that reminds me, you might want to break out some step recovery stuff to your lovely fan club. That would at least be refreshingly UNredundant on your part.

I know you dont have the nuts, anyway, Im sure im not the first to be appalled at your rambling, and the fact u have a fan club doesnt surprise me. Unfortunately alot of people will eat any of that crap up to feel ok and just to make sense how they could have “enabeled” that kind of behavior. You see M, YAs Im sure your heart knows, you are just as at fault! Your waisting alot of rehashing crap with a lot of downer emphasis that in no way is benefiting anyone but yourself. Your ego…And your dream of being somekind of selfhelp book dr.Phill in the making. We know thats not your calling. How many years has it been now M/???? 2 frickn many. Wake up! Snap out of it…
I understand that somtimes things dont go the way we want them too. Oh, yeah its called life…you know….

IF you have the balls to post my email, make sure to put [deleted personal info], and put my email too [email deleted]… (notice i didnt put any spaces and stuff so it should go thru to anyone whod like to chat. Im off work now and perhaps somthing good can come out of it. Im not going to pine away over all this shit. I could most certainly draw a crowd and help alot more people then your sorry winney crap does…
Get the tools to rehabilitate, and stop blamming your ex like a little girly man baby. Yes, i do think you must have had a sister or two growing up. Your way too tit for tat honey…
I dont mean to come off so rude, but at the same time im glad i did. Sorry , time to stop blamming everyone and ManUp….

Time to get off the Victim bridge and swim on over to the Accountability shore.

After all, you are a grown up right? In the mean time have whoever go and make you some tea and cookies while you think of somthing really witty to say. Witty to you that is. Im sure it will take some time on your part. You just take your time and let it all out. Purge that garbage out. I can tell your pretty close to the dry heave stage..Most of us who go thru this crap come out of it a little fucked up, but god willing were better people for it. I just cant help but sense a serious pompus ass. I couldnt help myself, my bad.. And guess what honey, My story is just as said and horrible and devistating as yours, and you dont see me cashing in on it. You my friend, have a mental illness just like your lovely ex. Just a different strain in the brain…

“terrorist” wife? Whatever dude.

by the way, Im not twelve, Im fifteen.

~[Name deleted]

Good grief.  So, I offer this writer a few scant seconds of fame via this website.  Lord knows, with their mastery of the English language and writing skills that would make a toddler’s doodling look like Hemingway  - this is about as good as life is going to get for this one.

Keep in mind that these are the types of people who are throwing their support behind the PEW.

Sincerely,

Pompous Ass

A reader wrote to us about a post we made a while ago entitled When Should the Children Have a Say?

Dear LM & DW,

Man, do I feel your pain. It wasn’t until today that I found out about Borderline Personality Disorder, and WOW!! This fits like a glove! My ex is not nearly as bad as yours, but still, I’m almost 20 years into it. I’m so relieved that I can finally call it a disorder, and that I can start formally educating my kids about it (17 & 14). I do not plan to tell them it’s a disorder yet, just help them when they are having trouble by using the correct terminology, etc. when they are experiencing her BPD.

With respect to your post on 1/28/2008 titled “When Should the Children Have a Say?”, there is a reader who claims that you are using technicalities to get a rise out of her. I personally felt like you let the reader off lightly.

I’ve been divorced for 9 years now, and there hasn’t been one year where she hasn’t just flat out made up her own interpretation of the holiday/summer schedule. And it’s usually a complete surprise to her that I have a differing opinion. The visitation plan, even when it’s spelled out in plain English, is always up for her interpretation, and therefore I am at her mercy. You can never make long term plans without worrying about what she’ll “make up” and assume as common knowledge.

Without technicalities, you are subjecting yourself to her control forever. Without technicalities you have to tip-toe around with her, hoping that you don’t set off one of her “thermonuclear explosions”, causing you to lose real time with your kids.

I love your site - I hope you keep it going. Write a book - I’ll buy it!

~BH

BH’s reference to the post I linked in the opening was actually a follow-up to the issues that preceded the Christmas Holiday in 2007, which resulted in my getting a make-up holiday after PEW’s custodial interference during Christmas in 2006.  Back then, a reader questioned my decision to enjoy the extended period of time I was having with the children over the holidays - time that was awarded to me after the PEW was found guilty of contempt of court.

This reader offered some additional insight I hadn’t considered when I responded in the original post and, with the holiday season upon us and PEW’s and PEH’s all over the world beginning to ramp up for a new campaign of terror to destroy them for people gets underway - the timing was uncanny.

Among some other thoughts… I suggested to BH that his children are old enough to start engaging in some dialogue about the issues they’re experiencing which may culminate in his deciding to share the book Understanding the Borderline Mother with them.

Feel free to add your thoughts regarding his situation.

I haven’t done of these in a while. Time to do a little catch-up. A reader wrote me to let me know that The Psycho Ex-Wife is in control.

Dear Mister-M,

I have been in your situation in the past and made a lot of mistakes. I went to counseling and read many books on passive aggressive behavior. You should do the same. You should seek out counseling. It seems like you are consumed with your ex. SHE IS CONTROLLING YOUR LIFE! Don’t you have anything better to think about? Isn’t there a subject that you would rather write about? A hobby you could spend this much time on? Something you enjoy? If she is left without anyone to fight with, what is she going to do? Moving on and making your own life happy is the best thing you could do. Let her make her own life miserable. Don’t be a part of her games. I’ve moved on from this type of situation and I’m a lot happier. Your situation sounds like the way mine WAS. Your war is being fought from BOTH sides, not just hers. One of the best books I’ve read dealing with your situation was written by a divorce lawyer. It is called “Divorce: It’s all about control” by Stacy Phillips. I was very skeptical considering the author’s profession but it was VERY helpful. Also, reading about passive aggression helped me understand a lot about what is going on. It’s always easy to blame the other person. I had to take a good look at myself to see where I needed to make changes. I can not change my ex. I can only change the ways that I deal with her. This has made my life a lot better.

~RM

My guess is that RM was just passing-through.  Aside from sharing the history (for obvious reasons) and current events, the purposes of this blog are well-detailed.  Of course, you do have the option of believing that this is just a line of bullshit and I am consumed with the PEW.  I can’t control that.  RM might also have seen that I did get counseling, for a quite a long time, too.

Dear RM,

I appreciate your sentiments, but you’re obviously missing the point of the site. I’m certain no amount of explanation would suffice to satisfy you, so I won’t bother to try. Just know that if I didn’t think that this was helping a lot of people, I wouldn’t do it.

I’m not consumed with my ex… quite the contrary. If there is no reason to contact her, I don’t. With only the fewest exceptions, her antics don’t impact my life even a little bit.

I’ve had several years of counseling, quite successfully I might add. Very valuable lessons learned a handful of years ago.

Thanks for writing.

Sincerely,
Mister-M

I’m not sure that there was much more to say.  I do appreciate the feedback and fortunately, the overwhelming majority of it is positive.  I’m not sure that this could really be categorized as negative and certainly would serve as a “reality check” of sorts.  Lord knows, one thing I have done is change how I deal with her.  Certainly sound advice no matter who it comes from or in what form.

I’ve pulled this comment from the post You’ve Been Holding Me Hostage for Years!

Cindy wrote:

This whole thing is just sick. Everyone is so convinced they are right, to the point where they put conversations with their ex on a website! Unbelievable! No one seems to be concerned about the effect divorce has upon the kids, only that he/she is “right” in determining the ex is “psycho.” Here’s a fact: every ex-wife is “psycho” and every ex-husband is an “asshole.” Otherwise, you would still be married.

Before you judge, I am divorced and have three kids with my ex-husband. While our relationship isn’t always harmonious, I can’t ever imagine wasting my time venting about my “asshole” or “psycho” ex on a website — much less actually write down the conversations for all to see!!!! Turn your negative energy into something positive for you kids or your life. Dwelling in this kind of crap is poison to the soul.

~Cindy

It’s very rare that I get seriously negative mail and don’t so much mind getting it.  I think it helps to keep things “in check.”  It offers another perspective for consideration.  It plays “devil’s advocate” if you will.

However, people like Cindy bring a whole new level of irony with some of the things that they write in an effort to criticize without being informed.

1. This whole thing is just sick. Rebuttal: Well, to each his/her own opinion, but this “whole thing” has been very therapeutic for us and rather helpful for countless people going through similar situations (or worse).  The experience may be “sick,” sharing it is not.
2. No one seems to be concerned about the effect divorce has upon the kids, only that he/she is “right” in determining the ex is “psycho.” Rebuttal: Nothing could be further from the truth.  However, I can see where your 3-minute, 3-page stay might lead you to such a conclusion.  Consider staying longer, reading more, and find out just what kind of discussions go right to the heart of such issues.
3. Before you judge, I am divorced and have three kids with my ex-husband. While our relationship isn’t always harmonious, I can’t ever imagine wasting my time venting about my “asshole” or “psycho” ex on a website — much less actually write down the conversations for all to see!!! Rebuttal: There is a rather significant difference between “…isn’t always harmonious” and the types of horrors that I and many, many others who come here have experienced.  So, “before you judge…” OOPS!  You’ve already done that.   My mistake.  What isn’t good for you may be very good for someone else.
4. Turn your negative energy into something positive for you kids or your life. Dwelling in this kind of crap is poison to the soul. Rebuttal: Cindy, while it’s hard for me to imagine that your short visit gives you any insight into the positives that my family makes for ourselves (and others), I give you my personal assurance that we do just that.  What we do here isn’t poison for our souls (much less anyone else’s soul) and the reciprocal assistance that is so often shared here has been a positive experience beyond what we had imagined when we first started.  Internalizing such experiences is far more poisonous to the soul than the opposite - ask any counselor worth his/her salt.

But that’s not the ultimate irony of Cindy’s post.  The ultimate irony is the search that landed Cindy here at The Psycho Ex-wife:

“PSYCHO DISRESPECTFUL STEP-DAUGHTER”

Cindy - if you feel the need to share or need some resources and we can provide that assistance, you’re more than welcome to peruse this site and hopefully find something that will prove helpful with your situation.  Wishing you all the best this holiday season…

~Mister-M