The Psycho Ex Wife

Have your own psycho ex? Get a FREE Report on "Why Co-Parenting Doesn't Work", or learn how to win child custody with a custody coach.

From the “cyber email bag” came another profound email reply that will never be sent, but will be shared with as many people as we reach just the same.  It will reach people who will learn the importance of good family and great friends and how wonderful a loving support system is to getting through and beyond the mayhem that a psycho ex can bring down upon you. Thank you, “sadie”, for your submission.

Dear PEW,

Have you ever wondered why you keep “winning” the battles and losing the war? Have you wondered why your best efforts to deliver that fatal blow to my and DF’s relationship and our relationship with SS’s never hits the mark? Why it is that all the chaos and misery you fire into our lives doesn’t keep us from enjoying a strong relationship, a happy family life with our kids, and a loving and supportive home? It’s because you aren’t what you think you are.

You don’t have the power to destroy people’s lives. You have the power to make others feel unhappy, insecure, angry, but guess what? We normal people have the power to bring happiness, security, and peace to each other. So, you take your shots, cause some conflict, some hurt, some anxiety, and then we all step in and undo it with compassion, patience, and love for each other.

You don’t have the power to change people from who they are to what you want them to be. You can run them down, and make up lies about them, but guess what? We normal people have the power to celebrate and appreciate each other for being who we are. So, you take your shots and cause others to feel badly and doubt themselves, and then we all step in and undo it with admiration and respect for each other.

Everything you do is tossing pebbles at a mountain. You can’t win because you aren’t enough of a person to win. You simply don’t have what it takes, and you never will.

Sincerely,
The Normal Ones

Amen.

Just a little letter from a real mother, about the things you say that I hate, and that make all mothers look like idiots.

“I gave you time with the children” - Children are not yours to give. They are not property, they do not belong to you. You did not buy them at Macy’s. Children are people, that have their own feelings and their own rights. Your feelings are not their feelings. They may not want the same things as you. They have a right to have a mother and a father. You do not give your ex the right to see his children, he had the right inherently given to him when he conceived the child with you. You do not give him the right to speak to his children, or to participate in any area of their lives, it is their right to have their father in their life, whether you still care for him or not. Even if you believe he’s not the best father in the world, you had a child with him, so I guess I’d have to question how great a mother you are as well since you chose to sleep with him at least once. If you believe he is responsible for supporting his child monetarily, while denying him his right to be involved with his child, you are scum.

“You only want them so you don’t have to pay child support” - Any mother who utters these words should also consider that by saying this you also open up the line of reasoning that you want the children only because you receive child support. Beyond that fact is that child support is money that is supposedly needed to SUPPORT THE CHILDREN. That means the money given in child support is spent on the child’s needs such as clothing, school supplies, food and housing. Now, if a father has the children more time, that means his expenses for the children go up, so he is not saving on child support, he is simply spending what he would be giving you in child support on things that are now supporting the children in his home. Unless of course you were receiving more than you actually needed in child support and were using it to support yourself. All that means is you are a selfish, manipulative bitch. You should not accept more than your child needs, otherwise you are the one using the children for your own monetary gain.

“I’m a single Mother, woe is me” - Unless your ex is dead or abandoned you, and NOT because you fought him for custody or never told him you were pregnant, you are NOT a single mother or single parent. Your children have a father, that wants to be in their lives. If you cannot handle the time you have with the children, their father is more than willing to take extra time with them. He is more than willing to take care of them and have them benefit from all he has to offer, including his income, without you having to benefit from it. If you have ever denied your ex time with your children, denied a phone call, hired a babysitter or dropped them off with your parents or a friend instead of sending them to their father, you have chosen to act like a single mother to the detriment of your children. You are not a single mother. You may be a single woman, but you are not a single mother. Get over it.

Sincerely,

Sane Mom

It’s FANTASY EMAIL TIME!

I believe that the email bomb from Psycho SIL is more than deserving of a fantasy email reply.  Fantasy Email Replies are those emails that you might like to send, but you cannot.  They are dangerous.  They are unproductive.  They can hurt you in a situation such as a high-conflict divorce and custody battle.  But I’ll be damned if they don’t feel good just to write them down and let it all out!  So, go on and re-read her unsolicited communication.  Below is how I might have like to respond if I didn’t know any better.  In reality, all I did was forward it to my attorney and ask him to send the other side a copy with a firm “cease and desist” request, which he did.

Dear Psycho-SIL,

First, you should not threaten me. What you wrote are threats, but I realized a long time ago that you are too big a moron to recognize that reality. I offer you the following positive response that is beneficial to both of your nephews: Go fuck yourself. Now, regardless of what is apparent to all of those idiots who enable the crazy behaviors of you and your sister, one thing is for certain – the less time the children spend with you and your family, the better. That is what is best for the children and for me.

It is great to hear that you finally settled your imaginary lawsuit. My only wish is that I had on tape the discussions I overheard between you and the PEW where you planned your “accidental fall” at the hospital in the aftermath of your gastric bypass surgery. Nothing quite demonstrates craziness (not that your long and checkered past didn’t do that already) than deliberately smashing your face on a table at the hospital in order to commit fraud – something with which you have extensive experience. Had I been in a position to prove your fraud, it would have been a delight beyond what I can put in words to have been able to be a surprise witness for the hospital, waltzing in with taped evidence of your plan to commit this crime. I suppose it is a good thing that your former customers (Dewey, Cheatum, and Howe) were willing to take you on as a client. My guess is – they weren’t one of the customers that you stole from during your short career as Regional Manager of Computer Store.

The fear I have given the knowledge of your unlimited resources is steep. It’s obvious from the fact that you’re now living in that palatial estate known as “your parent’s basement” that you’ve spared no expense in the aftermath of your victory. Can you feel me shaking in my boots?

As for your list of demands… I will not return the van to the PEW. I’ve paid for it completely. Twice. Once when new. Once one I gave PEW half the current value of the van in trade with a car (which I also paid for entirely) and $5,000 cash. Of course, if your sister wants to give me the car and the cash back, I would actually consider it! However, we both know how much PEW covets cash. The type of “man” I am is the one who sat back, laid out all of the (more than) fair options and simply awaited PEW’s decision, which she made of her own accord. As for her regrets – may I offer you both the toughest shit possible.

Regarding therapy for the children – I have very little problem with doing so, as they need it in order to manage both the changes that are occurring in their lives and, hopefully, to be able to manage the craziness, irresponsibility, and lack of discipline that your family will undoubtedly try to instill in them. There are already enough bullies on your side of the family – I’m not interested in seeing them groom two more. Further, when I am convinced that this is not yet another effort to pin some mental illness or other label that will result in the boys being drugged like so many other children are, unnecessarily, nowadays, this will occur. His anger-management issues are a direct result of your sister’s (and your) frequent, unexpected explosive behaviors, in addition to what they may have seen or heard within their household. S1’s eating and weight issues are a direct result of your entire family’s inability to either eat healthy or get any meaningful exercise. Have any of you looked in the mirror lately? There is enough flesh and weight to sink a barge. When you speak about health, eating, and weight management – all you and the family needs to do is take a good hard look in the mirror (or several of them) to find the root of their dietary issues. Finally, I can assure you that your concerns regarding the children meeting DW are dwarfed by my concerns (and those of other health professionals) regarding the significant presence and influence you have in their lives as a diagnosed bi-polar with substance abuse problems and a lengthy criminal history. I would welcome you to subpoena whoever you want. You have my 100% guarantee that you will be quite surprised as to what most of them will testify to regarding PEW.

Regarding the climate control in our home – I will keep the heat on, as I have always done, 68-70 degrees. Unlike your sister, the inside of the home does not need to be heated to the level of a tropical paradise. Anything higher than that is a waste of energy and money, things that have never concerned your sister because she was not responsible for paying for any of that, either. As for the lighting issue, all I have ever asked is that lights be turned off in rooms that are not in use. Again, for normal people in this world, that is standard operating procedure. After all, shouldn’t we all be making reasonable efforts to reduce our carbon footprint?

As an additional reality check – as required by the court order, I already pay the larger percentage of unreimbursed medical expenses in addition to paying a substantial sum of money to carry the children on my insurance plan. Given your past expertise in the “fuzzy math” necessary for you to gain financially regardless of who you rip-off in the process, I can understand your demand. Still, it will not happen. The children do not live nude while in my custody, they have nice clothes (when your sister isn’t throwing them out) and are dressed well for school. Your delusions are laughable and it would appear it may be time to increase the dosage of your meds. Ooops! My mistake, you’re not taking any (at least not legally).

Finally, I don’t harass the PEW. Quite the contrary in fact and I have years worth of evidence to demonstrate this. Some of the unmitigated craziness includes you and others in your family as well. Even your own brother believes you’re a nutcase who is a “total drama queen who could go off at anytime.” (That’s a direct quote, I can send you a copy of the email if you’d like to review it.) I won’t be just dealing with you, you crazy psychotic bitch. The only scary part of this entire email is that you’re in some bizarre place right now where you actually believe you have the power, authority, and connections to follow-through on your threats. One order of yours I will follow-through on, though. Discussions will be between attorneys – and it starts with this email. I have a feeling that even your crazy-assed sister is going to be shocked, surprised, and quite pissed at what you’ve tried to do. My only hope is that it serves to undermine her case, further support the grave concerns I have with regard to her having so much custody, and the likely significantly increased exposure the children will have to you and the rest of your family. You’re a frigging loon.

Most Sincerely,
LM

In yesterday’s post… OOPS! …I Did It Again, PEW was baffled, as usual, by the children’s reaction to my taking them a few days early. What I actually said was much different from what I wanted to say. It… is relegated to a FANTASY EMAIL REPLY (a.k.a. “emails written and unsent”)

PEW,

Here is the bigger picture.

For the most part, they get pretty much everything that they want with you. They don’t get that with me because some of the things that they get/do/engage in with you are not appropriate in my view. I can’t control that. They get WWE. Vacations that you can’t afford while being at risk of losing your home. They stay up too late on school nights. They get to see age-inappropriate movies. They get toys, games, action figures nearly every time you go to the store. Get get get, want want want. They’re not responsible for cleaning up after themselves. They don’t have to get exercise. They get to play videogames for hours on end and watch television for hours on end. They don’t get effectively disciplined. They essentially get to do whatever THEY want, almost all the time (if not - all the time). The list is virtually endless.

I teach them self-discipline. Personal responsibility. Respect for themselves and others. Teamwork. Good sportsmanship. That they cannot be quitters. I MAKE them engage in activities that will teach them very important life-lessons in addition to fun stuff… especially when they think it “sucks” or just “don’t feel like it.” Give a 7- and 9-year old the choice between “all fun and games all the time” and “in addition to fun and games, I have to learn things and help others and do chores” - they will choose “all fun and games all the time.” I’m an adult and that would be my choice, too.

But the biggest reason of all is this: When they whine, cry, and throw temper tantrums when they may have to do something that doesn’t suit their whims - your typical first course of action is to appease them without any real thought. That’s why they freak out. When they do - you immediately jump to their defense or try to find ways to satiate their desires because it’s the quickest way for you to get them just to shut up without “having to be the bad guy.” You said it yourself just the other day. That’s your biggest concern and that’s your biggest problem.

Unfortunately for you - you still haven’t realized that every situation isn’t all about how to make the children have their way. You will continue to be manipulated in that fashion until you do.

~LM

On Sunday, May 18th, 2008, we did a custody exchange for my week. For the fourth consecutive weekend, S2 was dropped off not feeling well. Only one of those weeks did it last into the week (not including this past week).

The week in summary went like this: Sunday, S2 had a fever. After an evening of Tylenol, fluids, and rest - Monday morning he woke up fine and went to school. He was fine all week long. Thursday, at aftercare at the school, he complained again of not feeling well. When I arrived, he had a “sick face” on but didn’t have a fever when we got home, and in a little while, felt fine again. Friday morning, spry and excited for activities at school, no fever, he went. At 11:00AM, I get a call from the school nurse - he has a fever of 100.1 and is complaining of a belly-ache. I pick up both boys from school early since it was a half-day anyway. Tylenol and lots of water - by Friday night he is fine. Saturday he is fine but does get a slight fever Saturday evening. One dose of Tylenol and he is fine inside of 30-minutes. Sunday he is fine up to and through the exchange back to PEW.

Nothing too dramatic, S2 complained of nothing other than an occasional belly-ache when he did have a fever, but he ate everything all week long and didn’t throw up or show any other signs of anything. Both boys were excited for the extended weekend and whatever it was that mom had planned for them.

LM,

I know you don’t like getting these kinds of emails from me, but it’s times like this when I really question your parenting…… You realize that you let S2 suffer from Sunday to Sunday with some kind of sinus infection or something?? You had to hear it in his voice and if he had a fever Sunday….then monday, then tuesday, then weds…and then had to get picked up friday early….obviously he need to see a Dr.

Why the hell didn’t you take him to the Dr? Instead now he has to suffer through a holiday weekend SICK. It’s not a virus, virus do not last for 8 days. So between you and DW, neither one of you had the common sense to take the kid to the Doctor? It is a mind blowing experience to be on the other side of parenting two children with you. I know you won’t admit it, but you screwed up……and S2 could have been better by last tuesday. This is why, I lose sleep at night…worrying about what kind of mis-judgements you will make that could be potentially dangerous. Would you wait to take him to the Dr. until the fever got so high, he went into a coma or something? Then what? For people who are supposedly so smart, your idiots. I know you wont’ respond because there’s nothing to say…..except you’re sorry to S2. And you can do that next week.

~PEW

For the record, I cut her email into paragraphs for easier reading. It was just one big giant paragraph - the usual when she is raging.

The email also demonstrates her uncanny and consistent ability to turn any seemingly mild ailment into a potential catastrophe, up to and including potential coma and death.

My initial reaction is to violate the low-contact principles that I often preach about and so many, myself included, have seen great success. That “Fantasy Email Reply” will close out this post. However, I reign myself in and choose the right path - since it is involving a matter pertaining to the children’s well-being (specifically, S2’s illness) - I respond and trim a lot of the “fat.”

PEW,

- S2 complained of no ailment other than feeling “hot.”

- He had no fever until Friday at school. He was fine again until it went up again on Saturday at Uncle VAM’s. He did not have a fever every day this week.

- Unless you took him to the doctor, please stop with your diagnosis. If you went to the doctor, let me know what he said, otherwise, stop the harassment.

- He was looked at by a registered nurse at the school who offered no explanation other than a “slight belly-ache and a fever of 100.1.” When I call the doctor and give them that description, they tell me “plenty of fluids and rest.”

Let’s not forget, either - he was sick “all of last weekend” and you did nothing. Further, he was also delivered to us sick the prior exchange, the exchange before that, and the exchange before that.

It might be time to consider exploring what you feed them (dietary changes) and what they have to drink (soda, juices, etc. to extreme). I would also remind you that when I had them “full time” last summer… neither S1 nor S2 were sick a single time. Check out the things you’re doing and see if any changes may help. Since the custody change, they simply haven’t been sick unless you’ve delivered them to us that way and they’ve always been returned healthy, except for this time… all of which can be documented.

Thanks,
LM

Yes, before you go beating me up, I realize that the last paragraph is full of “fat” much of which should have been excluded. Yes, I’ve also admitted that despite my low-contact advice - I am prone to slip beyond what is the minimum contact necessary on occasion.

Though she’ll likely deny it - I thought it important to remind her that this would be the 4th time in a row she’s delivered the children with at least one of them sick. I also know that she’ll completely deny it because it’s not in keeping with her believe that the opposite is “always” the case (projection).

LM,

You are lying. They have been sick since the custody schedule change while they were with you….more than once. S2 was not sick any of last weekend until sunday. Also, there was only one other exchage where they weren’t feeling good….. I haven’t delivered them sick repeatedly. I am the parent who actually takes them to the Dr. because I am not a cheapass, like you. He was asleep on monday night when I called at 6pm. Everytime I spoke to him he said his fever was going up and down. They both told me he almost wasn’t able to go to school on tuesday. They aren’t babies anymore, they know what fevers are and they know what the days of the week are. Both kids told me that you were pumping him full of Tylenol all week….you know that causes liver damage right?

They don’t drink soda and juices to extreme and they eat a healthy diet over here. AND it’s not the school nurses job to diagnose illnesses. It’s up to the parents to take them to the Dr. when they have a continued unexplained fever for 7 days straight. When I take him to the Dr. I will ask if you called…..I’m sure you didn’t because they would have told you to bring him in…I think after 10 years I should know. You’re a lier and a cheapskate…that’s why S2 is sick.

~PEW

Good grief - now the child is going to have liver damage on top of a coma.

This is when my responses will typically end. One contact. One explanation (if appropriate), and then just let her escalate if that is her desire. You can’t reasonably discuss things with someone with such an uncanny ability to re-write history to suit her own arguments.

The reality is - when I call and explain that he has a fever and no other apparent symptoms (I did explain belly-ached, with no throwing up) - Tylenol, fluids, rest. Doctors do NOT want you to bring them in at the drop of a hat. We have immune systems to fight off regular ailments such as these and I have never refused to take the children to a doctor when appropriate or told to “bring them in.”

For the record:

• Child Hospital Visits Since Split: PEW = 4. LM = 0.
• Child Doctor Visits Since Split: PEW = I lost count. LM = 1.
• PEW visits the doctor so frequently because it makes her feel and appear like the “doting mother.” DW and I, on the other hand, we just take care of the children when it’s obviously in our power to do so.

THE FANTASY EMAIL REPLY: (Emails we’d like to send, but know better.)

PEW,

S2 complained of no ailment other than feeling “hot.”

He had no fever until Friday at school. He was fine again until it spiked on Saturday at VAM’s. Unless you took him to the doctor, here you go again acting like one yourself and we know how many times you’ve made “diagnoses” that were unnecessarily extreme and a complete figment of your imagination. From sun-poisoning, to tetanus, to coma and potential death - it’s would be rather comical if I didn’t think you actually believed your own tripe.

He was looked at by a registered nurse at the school who offered no explanation other than a “slight belly-ache and a fever of 100.1.” When I call the doctor and give them that description, they tell me “plenty of fluids and rest.”

Let’s not forget, either - he was sick “all of last weekend” and you did nothing. He was delivered to us sick the three prior exchanges, too. My guess is if you spent more time examining the things you do and the items you feed them, you might actually make a contribution to minimizing these types of incidents, too. Thanks for your concern, but your latest, hysterical arm-chair diagnosis is nothing more than another excuse for your usual mindless raging anyway.

~LM