Teenagers, Children, and Step-Family Experiences
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A few weeks ago, the Today Show on NBC had a segment called “Teens and Step-Families” which featured a panel of a couple of “experts” and a group of teens from around the country to share their experiences.
On their parents dating:
Only 1 of the 10 had an issue with their parent dating. One young lady was upset that her father started dating after her mother died. He began to see someone a little more than a year after his wife’s death. She went on to say that eventually she realized that she needed to be more mature and understanding about the situation, even though at 12, that can be a pretty lofty expectation. We would imagine that going through what are almost always difficult teen years, between hormones, relationship developments with peers, schooling, pending adulthood - the introduction of a new adult figure in your life, especially given the mother was deceased, can only add to that angst.
On the new adult taking on a parental role:
The teens were asked about how forcefully or quickly the new parental-figure in their lives tried to establish a parental-role in the household. One young-man said that in his mother’s case (step-father), the man did try to establish his authority over the children and that sometimes caused issues between mom and step-dad as well as between the kids and step-dad. Interestingly, it was because they (the kids) “didn’t always agree” with the sanctions. I’m not sure I know too many kids who agree with any discipline no matter who it comes from.
On the strangeness or weirdness of seeing your parent being affectionate with a new partner:
One young man spoke about how his biological parents were typically openly affectionate with one another and that his advice to people in similar situations was to “get over it.” He went on to say that parents are entitled to be affectionate with their new partners and to express love and good feelings for one another. It has to be expected and accepted.
Still another young lady made some very salient points about the experiences and feelings of the children. She said that one of the things that she struggled with was the conflict about her feelings of fairness with regard to her mother carrying on her life and her own feelings of loss and disappointment at the broken family.
Paraphrasing:
We may disregard our own feelings about certain situations we experience because we know that our parents are entitled to carry on with their own lives. We know that they are allowed to spend the rest of their lives with someone if that’s what they choose to do. Still, it conflicts with our own feelings about how disappointed we are that our parents didn’t stay together in the first place. We sacrifice our own feelings for the sake of our parent’s feelings.
The kids want to assure their parents that everything is “just fine” even though everything may not be. So, it would appear that in addition to the struggles that children sometimes find themselves in when their biological parents split (blaming themselves somehow for the break-up), they find themselves with some sort of emotional whiplash in trying to avoid any appearance of being the cause for upset in their new relationship.
On the subject of the addition of new family members (half-siblings):
I was pleasantly surprised to see that none of the 10 teen panelists felt “left out” or like the “odd person out” when children were born of the new relationship. Clearly, 10 people don’t represent a cross-section of all of the children in step-situations, so I think it’s safe to assume that there may be some level of awkwardness that would hopefully wane over time.
The discipline issue:
Several struggled with the issue of discipline as it came from the new step-parent. One young man told of being very apprehensive and defiant in the face of discipline that came from his step-mother. However, he said that with the backing of his father, it wasn’t long before he learned that he needed to listen. He was often faced with his father telling him in every situation that the approach that step-mom took in each scenario was appropriate and that she was correct and knew what she was doing. The teen went on to say that it became difficult to be defiant when your biological parent was there reinforcing that what step-mom was undertaking was appropriate in his eyes, too. “Over the years, it became much more easy to listen to her.”
Another young man spoke of being a “momma’s boy” and being protective of his mother, so when she brought someone new home, he would do everything in his power to act mean and obnoxious and try to run the new guy off! He continued to explain that as he looks back on it now that he is older, he realizes that he needed to be much more mature in his treatment of others and that communication is essential to make that happen. He was referring to the child communicating more and more effectively with the parent, stating that if you are more open and communicative with your parent about how you’re feeling (and why) - everyone can work together to create more harmony and less upset.
Only one of the teens expressed never really connecting with her step-mother, primarily because she “wasn’t a very good listener” when she tried to express herself.
On the subject of existing new family members (step-siblings):
Several indicated that the step-parent showed “favoritism” towards their own children versus the step-children. Explanations seemed to show that “favoritism” was not necessarily the best term to use. One teen, however, looks back and surmises that the step-parent is probably concerned with the appearance of trying to “take over” for the biological parent. As result, there was an understanding of the different levels of affection/attention shown towards the biological children versus the step-children. They have a better understanding as older teens at the struggles that all step-parents face.
Dr. Janet Taylor - a psychiatrist - supported the assertions of the teen panel by reinforcing that communication is essential to a successful transition, even if it’s not the easiest thing to accomplish. Setting boundaries and being clear about expectations won’t happen by default. Further, if the step-parent and biological parent are on the same page and convey similar messages, the transition can expect to be the smoothest.
Gary Neuman - family counselor and author - focused on the integration of step-parents into a teen child’s life. Given the changes and relationship development that is happening in the teen’ s life and social circles, the addition of a new parental figure can be especially stressful. Gary pointed out something I think may sometimes be overlooked and that is, becoming a family “takes time.” One can’t just appear and expect to be the perfect parent overnight, even if they are a perfect parent! The child(ren)’s personality has developed as the result of another half of the parental partnership over a long period of time. The best step-parent/step-child relationships are likely to develop slowly, over time.
Time and again the common theme became of one of clear communication and consistent boundaries. A parent or step-parent can neither be affectionate nor disciplinarian without being able to share care and compassion. Dr. Taylor went a step further when it came to a discussion regarding affection and discipline, particularly discipline.
Paraphrased:
As a step-parent, if you step in and say that I’m not part of that family or that issue and let the mother or father deal with that issue, the dynamic that you’re setting up over the long haul is dangerous.
It’s a marital issue and it’s a communication issue and both the biological parent and step-parent have to have a complete understanding about how these issues can play out. If this is not clear throughout the entire family, the step-parent will neither have the respect nor the authority that is warranted in a normal functioning household.
What should be done when a step-child is simply not treating the step-parent well at all?
The family counselor stated that the biological parent must step-up and convey to the children that they must have respect and cordiality towards the step-parent. It is not optional. It is an expectation. The love and family feeling will develop with a meaningful effort on all parties, including the children.
The psychiatrist also added to keep in mind, particularly with teens, that it is the teenager’s nature to “push back” and it’s rather likely that the step-parent is getting no more animosity in certain situations than a biological parent might expect to see. She stressed it’s important to avoid taking this personally. Have a broader view of what is taking place and avoid blaming it solely on the fact that you’re not the child’s biological parent. There may be bigger issues at work here.
Some of the teens chimed in that for them, it was/is essential that the step-parent communicate early and often that you are all part of the “same team.” You all love the biological parent and that can be a common thread on which to build a relationship. It is not and will not ever be a competition between biological parents and step-parents. We’re all just trying to get along the best way we know how with the resources we have available to do that. It’s easiest to make a better life for all if all are doing the best they can towards that end.
All-in-all it was a well produced segment that managed to hit on most of the important issues as best as possible for what amounted to a 15-20 minute segment on subject that probably couldn’t cover all of the issues and dynamics in a mini-series!
How do some of these issues pertain to our own circumstances?
Oh, I suppose we could write for hours on this and somehow, I think DW and I are blessed that we entered into a step-situation while all of the children were fairly young, ranging in ages at the time of 3 - 5. Those ages are the ones where it’s not an unrealistic expectation that children have very open-minds, are in love with everything, and are generally playful and can relate to others pretty well.
In our case, DW and I both took the approach that we would simply “let the children come to us.” There wasn’t going to be any trying too hard. We would give of ourselves what the children wanted and in the early weeks and months, it was primarily about simply being a presence in the children’s lives.
DW and I also are very communicative, both between ourselves and with the children. We knew early on that our parenting styles meshed, were complimentary, and almost perfectly in-tune with one another. With regard to discipline, our approach is that we each take the lead with our own children, but there is nothing that prevents us from disciplining any of the kids at any time when it’s appropriate. There is no “waiting until” the other gets home. It has made for excellent consistency for the kids and every single one of them knows what to expect from either of us - THE SAME THING and there is, I can say with the utmost confidence, no bias/favoritism/preference when it comes to discipline. The same thing goes for positive reinforcement for anything - games, school, etc.
We all want the same thing for all the kids… happy, successful lives and the hopes to produce well-adjusted, responsible, loving, friendly grown-ups.
Both DW and I are affectionate people. In the affection department, I have it much easier than DW. I’ll bet you can all guess what the difference is and wherein the problems lie?
SS1 and SD1 are friendly, very affectionate kids. Always have been and probably always will be. They’re not afraid to show me affection - hugs and even kisses from those two are the norm. Obviously, they are that way, even moreso, with their mother and father. Part of the reason for that is we have a great relationship with their father. There is no competition here. I am another supporting, loving adult in their lives, POE and DW are mom and dad. We all have that understanding and no one is a “threat” to anyone else’s place in the children’s lives. It’s been an easy transition and everyone gets along wonderfully.
S1 and S2 are friendly, very affectionate kids. Always have been and hopefully always will be. And while they are affectionate towards DW, they’re not nearly as affectionate towards her as SS1 and SD1 are towards me. It wasn’t always like that. Hugs and even kisses were part of the norm back in the early days, but less so now. Probably for the first 12-18 months, they would have no qualms about sitting right up next to DW and have a book read or greet her with a hug and a peck-on-the-cheek.
But here is where a poor relationship with a psycho-ex has an impact on the children. As bad as the alienation has been towards me, it’s probably been equally as bad towards DW. When the kids have not only the PEW, but much of her dysfunctional family bad-mouthing the people who are caring for them half the time - it can have a devastating impact on a their well-being. It most certainly will impact their comfort level when it comes to expressing affection towards DW when their mother and grandparents and aunt and other people whom they love are speaking poorly about her.
Sadly, it’s easy to see that slight hesitation, even apprehension, when the boys “discover themselves” having too much fun with or wanting to express affection towards DW. This is the by-product of PEW’s mission to alienate the children. As a perceived “threat” to their loyalty to her, loving anyone else is against her rules. The children know this. The children have been taught this. And they act accordingly.
Fortunately, 50/50 shared parenting has been a blessing that we hope to maintain into adulthood, when they will be free to be with and see whoever they want whenever they want and can make happen. Since the fall of 2007, that comfort level and affection-showing has been creeping back into their lives. They do more with DW, they laugh more with DW, and they express themselves with DW more now than they have since the early days. They’re learning that it’s not wrong to love their father. They’re learning that it’s not wrong to love DW. It’s not always easy for them, but they have two people who love them teaching them that it’s okay to be loving and caring towards people who love and care for them. We teach them that it’s not a competition and that their mother doesn’t “lose love” because they care for others, even if mom doesn’t like them for any reason (or no reason at all). Slowly, they will be able to feel completely comfortable. They will be able to shed that inner feeling that has been planted there by the PEW - that loving someone else is a betrayal of their mother that will not be tolerated.
Step-Parents generally don’t have it easy. It takes a tremendous amount of work. A tremendous amount of patience. A tremendous amount of care and love. It also takes a thick skin. When it comes to ex-spouses and step-parenting, DW and I have one situation that is the best of the best and another situation that approaches the worst of the worst. You can rest-assured that we understand both ends of the spectrum. We have a near-perfect situation with DW’s ex-husband. We have a near-disastrous situation with LM’s ex-wife. Depending upon where your story falls along that line… you can rest assured, we understand it!
