The Psycho Ex Wife

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For some background information leading up to the report that came from our 2nd custody evaluation:

• Heading Towards Custody Evaluation #2
• Father Begs Series
• Custody Evaluation #1 Series

We used the same court-ordered and court-connected Custody Evaluations, Inc. for this evaluation and I’ve already detailed how the custody evaluation process allegedly works from our first journey through this process.

On to the actual experience before moving onto the conclusion.

There were 7 sessions which all took place over the course of May 2005, since we paid for a compacted evaluation.  PEW was seen individually first. I was seen individually in session 2. We were seen together in session 3. Session 4 was a split session, with each of us being seen with the children. Sessions 5 and 6 were both joint sessions.  Session 6 was a session with DW as a significant collateral party.  Session 7 was a final joint session.  For the record, due to alleged financial issues, PEW refused to pay her portion of the collateral contact (DW) as required.  In an effort to avoid any delays, I paid for it in full.

This time there were 7 total hours, only 50-minutes of which are you actually interacting with the evaluator (if you’re lucky) - and, as I previously have lamented, this person passes a judgment on the both of you as parents and hands down a “recommendation” based upon their wealth of experience and alleged expertise. You could even pare it down further. 3-hours each. In 3-hours, you pay thousands of dollars for the privilege of having this “expert” ask you a few questions, watch you interact with your children for 10 minutes, listen to your psycho ex spew completely unfounded and totally unsupported false allegations against you, you defend yourself and explain your position calmly and rationally, and then they pass their judgment. You’re told by our attorney that the court “takes their recommendations very seriously and almost always goes with what they recommend.”

This time, would be slightly different.  Gloria didn’t buy into PEW’s in-session performances at all.  When faced with her hysterics and crying jags, Gloria sat and listened stoically.  When PEW was done (and sometimes even when not) - she would ask her questions that went right to the heart at whatever issue she was bringing up.  As most of her drama was embellished or outright lies, it was really tough for PEW to answer questions which would meaningfully support her claims.  It was clear that she was unprepared to back up her lies with more lies - she didn’t have to in the first evaluation.  It gave me cautious optimism that this evaluator was quite a bit more on-the-ball than Sonya was.

Since the rules “prohibit” either party, who pays for this evaluation, to have a copy of it - you’re only permitted to review it in your attorney’s office and take notes. I believe that this rule is more self-protection for Custody Evaluations, Inc. and the entire one-hand-washing-the-other racket that is the automatic recommendation by the County Court to the County run CE program is completely unethical… but I digress. I took notes. I wrote the important and most pertinent parts of the report verbatim, following the rules.

THE SMALL STUFF:

The report confirms that our schedule was, for the most part since the physical split, and an agreed-upon interim schedule of me having the children every other weekend from Friday night until Sunday evening. It confirms that the father petitioned for simply “a modification of custody.”  <<< I highlight this point because it will play an important role in our hearing to be held in July of 2005.

THE DETAILS (Parents’ Current Issues & Concerns):

1. Mother:  PEW believes that the commute to LM’s home on alternate weekends is too stressful for the children.  She is requesting that one of the father’s partial physical custody periods be held in [her locality].  PEW believes that it will be too stressful for S2 to be separated from her for long periods during the summer break from school and is requesting a summer custody arrangements of 2-weeks-on/2-weeks-off.
2. Father:  LM believes that the children need regular and consistent contact with him and requests he continue with partial physical custody in [his locality] on alternate weekends during the school year.  He is requesting that the schedule be reversed during the summer months and that PEW have alternate weekends during the summer months.

My observations: PEW plays the poor children being away from her card quite readily.  Of course, nevermind S1.  She’s just concerned about S2.  Additionally, the usual “control factor” as she impresses upon the evaluator that she demands that one of my 2 custodial periods per month during the school year.  This is “all about her” disguised as concerns for S2.  An early sign of “splitting,” perhaps?

This is where Gloria makes her first mistake.  My petition was for primary custody.  Her documentation of our significant discussion about the forthcoming summer schedule makes it seem as though that was the whole of the issue.  It wasn’t.  Remember all of the details I provided about our harrowing summer of 2005?  Well, seeing as how our custody evaluation took place in May, we were trying to get that part of the raging debate settled, too.

THE DETAILS (Outline of “Best Interests” Issues):

1. What is the nature of the childrens’ bonds with each parent?
2. How have the children adjusted to the loss of weekly contact with their father since March of 2005?
3. Would the children be able to tolerate long-term separation from their mother during the summer months?

It was easy to identify on page 2 of the report, that primary custody for me wasn’t going to be.  Why?  There was simply no mention of it!

THE DETAILS (Significant Social History - Mother):

(Details about PEW’s age and other vital statistics, work location, details of her short-duration first-marriage.)

Mother is the 2nd of 4 children. [Dad's age and work details].  She reported that during her childhood, her father would be absent from the home for several days approximately every six months and she later learned that he had a problem with alcohol.  Despite these separations, she reported that she was proud of his business accomplishments and remains close to him.  [Mother's age and work details].  PEW stated that her mother continues to be of significant support to her and the children.  In addition to her mother, PEW has a sister who has been helpful to her as well.  Psycho-SIL was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder some time ago and has a history of alcohol abuse.  PEW reported that her sister has been free from all non-prescribed substances for approximately 6-months.  In the past, during her sister’s mental health or alcohol relapses, PEW stated that she has had to distance herself from her.  The family has been supportive to PEW’s sister and at the time of PEW’s session, her sister resided with her parents.  On or about [May date, 2005], PEW moved into her new home and advised that her sister will be living with her to provide financial assistance and support with the children.  Believing thath her sister’s recovery is strong, PEW added that her parents will allow her sister to return to their home if problems arise.  Her younger brothers [ages], reside [in their respective localities] and have contact with the family also.

PEW reported her health to be good and that her pregnancies and deliveries were relatively normal.  She not breast-feed either child and reported that they reached their developmental milestones on-time.  Both children were late to move from diapers and S2 continues with bed-wetting episodes.  She reported that S2’s behavior has worsened since Father’s move to [his locality], ostensibly due to the separation from him and the long commutes to his home.

PEW reports that she had no drug, alcohol, or gambling addictions and stated that her driving license is clear.  She moved into a 4-bedroom single family home in May 2005.

Hmmm, where to begin…

• Growing up, dad disappears for days at a time and is an alcoholic.
• Her sister, who is a help to her, is a diagnosed bi-polar with major substance abuse issues, and if she goes off the deep end while living with PEW and the kids, well, provided she doesn’t kill anyone, Mom and Dad will just take her back and continue to ignore and perpetuate Psycho-SIL’s problems.
• There’s the first indication of Psycho-SIL paying rent to help with the costs of the home at the risk of the children.
• She’s already laying the blame regarding S2’s behavior solely at my feet, despite the reality that the boys tended to act up anytime I wasn’t around, married and unmarried, and it’s actually due “ostensibly” to the fact that PEW can’t parent effectively.  The boys simply didn’t act up but a fraction of the number of times in my company alone (or PEW and I together, when married) as they did when they were with her alone at any time since their birth.  This continues to this day.

The biggest problem that I have with this entire report, and this section specifically - was that Psycho-SIL’s living with PEW and the boys was a MAJOR bone of contention during the last sessions with Gloria.  Gloria became quite upset when she discovered that PEW LIED TO HER about Psycho-SIL living with her.  LIED.  Gloria found out about Psycho-SIL living with them during her alone-session with the boys!  The children told Gloria that she was already living with them!  I didn’t even know that until Gloria dropped that bomb on us at the very next joint session.  Gloria emphatically and openly declared that she was going to highlight that “omission” in her report and we spent a great deal of time discussing Psycho-SIL’s uncontrolled condition, nevermind her substance abuse issues.  Yet, after all of that drama and discussion about the risk to the children “WHEN” (Gloria’s words) Psycho-SIL had a setback, not “IF” show up in the report as you see above.  It was as big a punch-in-the-face to me as the shock that was the totality of the first custody evaluator’s report.  The above documentation of that situation not only wasn’t reality - it was about as far a cry from what Gloria spoke to us both about as cries can get.

Notice also, the lies about Psycho-SIL being drug and alcohol free “for the last 6 months.”  That’s the same bullshit story she lied to Sonya about (custody evaluator #1).  6 months prior to this evaluation would take us back to the first custody evaluation, where Psycho-SIL was allegedly “drug and alcohol free for 6 months” and her recovery was “strong.”

Isn’t it interesting how PEW spends so much time talking about the disordered members of her family and excuse-making and honoring and helping them, while the two normal members of her family, her brothers, garner barely a cursory mention?  It reminds me of the “methinks thou doth protest too much” quote.

So much for the  best interests of the children.

THE DETAILS (Significant Social History - Father):

(Details about LM’s age and other vital statistics, work location, educational history, details of her short-duration first-marriage.)

Father is the 2nd of 4 sons both to his parents; his father is [age and location] and his mother is [age and location].  His parents divorced when he was 16 years old and reported that he was estranged from his father for 2 years, blaming him for the divorce.  LM and his younger brothers were brought into their parents’ litigation, and it was at that time that he reconciled with his father - “I saw that my mother wasn’t completely truthful on the stand,” he added.  He now maintains a close relationship with both parents and stated “My father was always there for me.”  He views his mother as very devoated to he and his brothers and her grandchildren.  He has three brothers [ages and locations] and stated the the family is together for most holidays.

LM regarded his health to be relatively good.  Not of his volition, he has lost 25-pounds over the last year due to what he believes to be the stress of divorce.  He has no drug, alcohol, or gambling addictions and stated that his driving license is clear.  On [June Date, 2005] he moved to a single-family 4 bedroom home in [home state] with DW.  Prior to that, they shared a townhouse.

Other than the fact that she had my educational circumstances incorrect - this was a fairly accurate representation of our discussion about me.

In the next segment, I’ll share the impressions and observations of the children and DW.

Announcement #1:

As you all know, in March, LM lost his job. When not searching all of the usual internet job sites and pouring over newspapers for work, we have been working on a project to help others going through custody issues as we receive hundreds of e-mails each month asking for solutions to problems. We spend a lot of time helping, but we wanted to find a way to help more people in a much more efficient manner, and create a business around it so that LM can continue to support the family. So, it is with great pride and hope that we share with our readers that we have created a new website with which we hope to help many more people through difficult custody issues.

Mr Custody Coach is geared towards people going through high conflict divorce and custody situations, to help them create custody agreements that will minimize problems, and deal with other issues such as false allegations and parental alienation. That doesn’t mean we can’t help those looking for ideas and assistance with planning for low-conflict/no-conflict divorce and custody arrangements!  We can help with that, too!

We have put together a great team of experts and have planned a full compliment of plans including: conference calls, guides, programs, and private forums where you can get specific advice for your unique situation. We are also launching a radio show where you will be able to listen to experts such as Randi Kreger and Bill Eddy discuss issues many of you are dealing with in your current relationships and raising children in the midst of a hostile custody situation.

We are making this announcement for several reasons, the first of which is to ask for your help in launching this website. If you have a blog or website of your own, or know someone else that does, we would greatly appreciate a link, for which you can find several suggested links at the end of this post. Links are critical to helping spread the word far and wide.  We would also be happy to write a guest post for you on any custody or divorce topic, parenting & step-parenting - just shoot us an e-mail! If you believe you have a website that has readers who could benefit from the help of a custody coach, you might also consider joining our affiliate program where you can earn a commission each month for every member you send to us. You can read more about that and join here.

The second reason is to let you know if you need additional help creating a custody agreement that works, want to go low-contact but aren’t sure how to implement it, want to protect yourself from false allegations, or need to create a custody plan to take to your attorney, you can join Mr. Custody Coach for just $29.95 per month, and you can even get a 15% discount by entering the code 2045255B23 when you become a member.

Announcement #2:

At the request of many people who have followed the blog and/or joined the forums, we are adding a “donations button” to both locations. We are very grateful and appreciative that readers would think so much of us and what we provide for all. We have resisted doing so out of pride and a profound sense that we didn’t want to impose upon the readership, make anyone feel obligated, or otherwise turn anybody “off.” However, it does cost money (which DW has so graciously paid for the last 2-years) and take time to dedicate to our cause and our desire to help everyone seeking assistance.

So, we’re doing it. We are not going to make a big deal about it. You are under NO obligation to make a donation. It is there if you wish to at any time. You can also choose to become a member of Mr. Custody Coach if you want to gain additional information to help your custody case instead of just donating.  Sign up for a month and come take a look around.

We hope that we have helped every single one of you who come here and if you feel that our assistance moved you to do something like that, we are very thankful. The truth is, everyone here helps us in some way, shape, or form every day. For that, too, we thank you all very much.

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A few weeks ago, the Today Show on NBC had a segment called “Teens and Step-Families” which featured a panel of a couple of “experts” and a group of teens from around the country to share their experiences.

On their parents dating:

Only 1 of the 10 had an issue with their parent dating.  One young lady was upset that her father started dating after her mother died.  He began to see someone a little more than a year after his wife’s death.  She went on to say that eventually she realized that she needed to be more mature and understanding about the situation, even though at 12, that can be a pretty lofty expectation.  We would imagine that going through what are almost always difficult teen years, between hormones, relationship developments with peers, schooling, pending adulthood - the introduction of a new adult figure in your life, especially given the mother was deceased, can only add to that angst.

On the new adult taking on a parental role:

The teens were asked about how forcefully or quickly the new parental-figure in their lives tried to establish a parental-role in the household.  One young-man said that in his mother’s case (step-father), the man did try to establish his authority over the children and that sometimes caused issues between mom and step-dad as well as between the kids and step-dad.  Interestingly, it was because they (the kids) “didn’t always agree” with the sanctions.  I’m not sure I know too many kids who agree with any discipline no matter who it comes from.

On the strangeness or weirdness of seeing your parent being affectionate with a new partner:

One young man spoke about how his biological parents were typically openly affectionate with one another and that his advice to people in similar situations was to “get over it.”  He went on to say that parents are entitled to be affectionate with their new partners and to express love and good feelings for one another.  It has to be expected and accepted.

Still another young lady made some very salient points about the experiences and feelings of the children.  She said that one of the things that she struggled with was the conflict about her feelings of fairness with regard to her mother carrying on her life and her own feelings of loss and disappointment at the broken family.

Paraphrasing:

We may disregard our own feelings about certain situations we experience because we know that our parents are entitled to carry on with their own lives.  We know that they are allowed to spend the rest of their lives with someone if that’s what they choose to do.  Still, it conflicts with our own feelings about how disappointed we are that our parents didn’t stay together in the first place.  We sacrifice our own feelings for the sake of our parent’s feelings.

The kids want to assure their parents that everything is “just fine” even though everything may not be.  So, it would appear that in addition to the struggles that children sometimes find themselves in when their biological parents split (blaming themselves somehow for the break-up), they find themselves with some sort of emotional whiplash in trying to avoid any appearance of being the cause for upset in their new relationship.

On the subject of the addition of new family members (half-siblings):

I was pleasantly surprised to see that none of the 10 teen panelists felt “left out” or like the “odd person out” when children were born of the new relationship.  Clearly, 10 people don’t represent a cross-section of all of the children in step-situations, so I think it’s safe to assume that there may be some level of awkwardness that would hopefully wane over time.

The discipline issue:

Several struggled with the issue of discipline as it came from the new step-parent.  One young man told of being very apprehensive and defiant in the face of discipline that came from his step-mother.  However, he said that with the backing of his father, it wasn’t long before he learned that he needed to listen.  He was often faced with his father telling him in every situation that the approach that step-mom took in each scenario was appropriate and that she was correct and knew what she was doing.  The teen went on to say that it became difficult to be defiant when your biological parent was there reinforcing that what step-mom was undertaking was appropriate in his eyes, too.  “Over the years, it became much more easy to listen to her.”

Another young man spoke of being a “momma’s boy” and being protective of his mother, so when she brought someone new home, he would do everything in his power to act mean and obnoxious and try to run the new guy off!  He continued to explain that as he looks back on it now that he is older, he realizes that he needed to be much more mature in his treatment of others and that communication is essential to make that happen.  He was referring to the child communicating more and more effectively with the parent, stating that if you are more open and communicative with your parent about how you’re feeling (and why) - everyone can work together to create more harmony and less upset.

Only one of the teens expressed never really connecting with her step-mother, primarily because she “wasn’t a very good listener” when she tried to express herself.

On the subject of existing new family members (step-siblings):

Several indicated that the step-parent showed “favoritism” towards their own children versus the step-children.  Explanations seemed to show that “favoritism” was not necessarily the best term to use.  One teen, however, looks back and surmises that the step-parent is probably concerned with the appearance of trying to “take over” for the biological parent.  As result, there was an understanding of the different levels of affection/attention shown towards the biological children versus the step-children.  They have a better understanding as older teens at the struggles that all step-parents face.

Dr. Janet Taylor - a psychiatrist - supported the assertions of the teen panel by reinforcing that communication is essential to a successful transition, even if it’s not the easiest thing to accomplish.  Setting boundaries and being clear about expectations won’t happen by default.  Further, if the step-parent and biological parent are on the same page and convey similar messages, the transition can expect to be the smoothest.

Gary Neuman - family counselor and author - focused on the integration of step-parents into a teen child’s life.  Given the changes and relationship development that is happening in the teen’ s life and social circles, the addition of a new parental figure can be especially stressful.  Gary pointed out something I think may sometimes be overlooked and that is, becoming a family “takes time.”  One can’t just appear and expect to be the perfect parent overnight, even if they are a perfect parent! The child(ren)’s personality has developed as the result of another half of the parental partnership over a long period of time.  The best step-parent/step-child relationships are likely to develop slowly, over time.

Time and again the common theme became of one of clear communication and consistent boundaries.  A parent or step-parent can neither be affectionate nor disciplinarian without being able to share care and compassion.  Dr. Taylor went a step further when it came to a discussion regarding affection and discipline, particularly discipline.

Paraphrased:

As a step-parent, if you step in and say that I’m not part of that family or that issue and let the mother or father deal with that issue, the dynamic that you’re setting up over the long haul is dangerous.

It’s a marital issue and it’s a communication issue and both the biological parent and step-parent have to have a complete understanding about how these issues can play out.  If this is not clear throughout the entire family, the step-parent will neither have the respect nor the authority that is warranted in a normal functioning household.

What should be done when a step-child is simply not treating the step-parent well at all?

The family counselor stated that the biological parent must step-up and convey to the children that they must have respect and cordiality towards the step-parent.  It is not optional.  It is an expectation.  The love and family feeling will develop with a meaningful effort on all parties, including the children.

The psychiatrist also added to keep in mind, particularly with teens, that it is the teenager’s nature to “push back” and it’s rather likely that the step-parent is getting no more animosity in certain situations than a biological parent might expect to see.  She stressed it’s important to avoid taking this personally.  Have a broader view of what is taking place and avoid blaming it solely on the fact that you’re not the child’s biological parent.  There may be bigger issues at work here.

Some of the teens chimed in that for them, it was/is essential that the step-parent communicate early and often that you are all part of the “same team.”  You all love the biological parent and that can be a common thread on which to build a relationship.  It is not and will not ever be a competition between biological parents and step-parents.  We’re all just trying to get along the best way we know how with the resources we have available to do that.  It’s easiest to make a better life for all if all are doing the best they can towards that end.

All-in-all it was a well produced segment that managed to hit on most of the important issues as best as possible for what amounted to a 15-20 minute segment on subject that probably couldn’t cover all of the issues and dynamics in a mini-series!

How do some of these issues pertain to our own circumstances?

Oh, I suppose we could write for hours on this and somehow, I think DW and I are blessed that we entered into a step-situation while all of the children were fairly young, ranging in ages at the time of 3 - 5.  Those ages are the ones where it’s not an unrealistic expectation that children have very open-minds, are in love with everything, and are generally playful and can relate to others pretty well.

In our case, DW and I both took the approach that we would simply “let the children come to us.”  There wasn’t going to be any trying too hard.  We would give of ourselves what the children wanted and in the early weeks and months, it was primarily about simply being a presence in the children’s lives.

DW and I also are very communicative, both between ourselves and with the children.  We knew early on that our parenting styles meshed, were complimentary, and almost perfectly in-tune with one another.  With regard to discipline, our approach is that we each take the lead with our own children, but there is nothing that prevents us from disciplining any of the kids at any time when it’s appropriate.  There is no “waiting until” the other gets home.  It has made for excellent consistency for the kids and every single one of them knows what to expect from either of us - THE SAME THING and there is, I can say with the utmost confidence, no bias/favoritism/preference when it comes to discipline.  The same thing goes for positive reinforcement for anything - games, school, etc.

We all want the same thing for all the kids… happy, successful lives and the hopes to produce well-adjusted, responsible, loving, friendly grown-ups.

Both DW and I are affectionate people.  In the affection department, I have it much easier than DW.  I’ll bet you can all guess what the difference is and wherein the problems lie?

SS1 and SD1 are friendly, very affectionate kids.  Always have been and probably always will be.  They’re not afraid to show me affection - hugs and even kisses from those two are the norm.  Obviously, they are that way, even moreso, with their mother and father.  Part of the reason for that is we have a great relationship with their father.  There is no competition here.  I am another supporting, loving adult in their lives, POE and DW are mom and dad.  We all have that understanding and no one is a “threat” to anyone else’s place in the children’s lives.  It’s been an easy transition and everyone gets along wonderfully.

S1 and S2 are friendly, very affectionate kids.  Always have been and hopefully always will be.  And while they are affectionate towards DW, they’re not nearly as affectionate towards her as SS1 and SD1 are towards me.  It wasn’t always like that.  Hugs and even kisses were part of the norm back in the early days, but less so now.  Probably for the first 12-18 months, they would have no qualms about sitting right up next to DW and have a book read or greet her with a hug and a peck-on-the-cheek.

But here is where a poor relationship with a psycho-ex has an impact on the children.  As bad as the alienation has been towards me, it’s probably been equally as bad towards DW.  When the kids have not only the PEW, but much of her dysfunctional family bad-mouthing the people who are caring for them half the time - it can have a devastating impact on a their well-being.  It most certainly will impact their comfort level when it comes to expressing affection towards DW when their mother and grandparents and aunt and other people whom they love are speaking poorly about her.

Sadly, it’s easy to see that slight hesitation, even apprehension, when the boys “discover themselves” having too much fun with or wanting to express affection towards DW.  This is the by-product of PEW’s mission to alienate the children.  As a perceived “threat” to their loyalty to her, loving anyone else is against her rules.  The children know this.  The children have been taught this.  And they act accordingly.

Fortunately, 50/50 shared parenting has been a blessing that we hope to maintain into adulthood, when they will be free to be with and see whoever they want whenever they want and can make happen.  Since the fall of 2007, that comfort level and affection-showing has been creeping back into their lives.  They do more with DW, they laugh more with DW, and they express themselves with DW more now than they have since the early days.  They’re learning that it’s not wrong to love their father.  They’re learning that it’s not wrong to love DW.  It’s not always easy for them, but they have two people who love them teaching them that it’s okay to be loving and caring towards people who love and care for them.  We teach them that it’s not a competition and that their mother doesn’t “lose love” because they care for others, even if mom doesn’t like them for any reason (or no reason at all).  Slowly, they will be able to feel completely comfortable.  They will be able to shed that inner feeling that has been planted there by the PEW - that loving someone else is a betrayal of their mother that will not be tolerated.

Step-Parents generally don’t have it easy.  It takes a tremendous amount of work.  A tremendous amount of patience.  A tremendous amount of care and love.  It also takes a thick skin.  When it comes to ex-spouses and step-parenting, DW and I have one situation that is the best of the best and another situation that approaches the worst of the worst.  You can rest-assured that we understand both ends of the spectrum.  We have a near-perfect situation with DW’s ex-husband.  We have a near-disastrous situation with LM’s ex-wife.  Depending upon where your story falls along that line… you can rest assured, we understand it!

Other step-parenting posts…

We’ve occasionally discussed what we thought might happen should the website be discovered.  We’re pretty sure that any number of things might occur and we’re pretty convinced that none of them would be particularly good.

We often speculate what might occur…

• PEW would call CPS (again).
• Maybe get her dumbass father to leave us a nice voice-mail again so he can say things like “whore” and “slut” and be all tough-guy on our asses.
• PEW would call her normal brothers and see if they would beat me up on her behalf (despite them knowing how absolutely off-the-chain both PEW and Psycho-SIL are).
• Threaten court (again).
• She would project all of her self-hatred outward onto me (again).
• She’ll definitely “tell my dad” on me.  My dad, not her dad.
• She’ll tell others in my family.
• Maybe she might send an email, that might look like this:

LM,

I have decided that tomorrow I am sending a letter to [CSE] asking them to terminate your child support payments to me. Then I am taking the entire contents of your www.thepsychoexwife.com website to court with me….I’m asking for an emergency hearing…because you have lost it. The whole scary thing is printed out, particularly the part where DW says she hates our kids…and they have social and behavioral problems…someday if they choose to be like me “they will have to go their own way”? I’m scared….this is scary…I’ve read it all and with every new article, it just got scarier. You are a scary scary individual….and DW is JUST as scary. You do not have to pay for the braces…..I did not realize how sick you actually were. I will pay for the braces by myself. I’m going to consult with a child psychologist and find out if the kids should know about this, because I can tell you…despite what they tell you, they are very loving and affectionate to me and I am to them as well….I’m thinking you and ugly have a big HATE expedition going on over there….it’s not healthy….and it’s weird since I granted you without a fight 50/50 custody…gave you a huge break on child support….I don’t even know who you’re talking about on that website, but it aint ME. Please don’t kill me….because as I was reading it that’s all I was thinking, you’re nuts. Keep your money…make love to it, wallpaper with it….make a loin cloth out of it….use it for psychotherapy (highly recommended) just stay the fuck away from me.

This is the last email you will ever receive from me.

you’re sick…. PEW

Well… that’s what I imagine it would look like if just such a discovery were to occur.  And if just such an email would actually be the result, I might be inclined to have the following thoughts based upon quotes from just such an email:

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As we continue on from Part 2, the discussion continues on custody but also gets sidetracked by discussions regarding my alleged “deadbeatedness” - another break from reality. She starts by telling me that she’ll provide me the alleged receipts she was paying Mrs. JM for watching S2 for three half-days per week - a total of $160/week. Receipts that she would ultimately never produce.

PEW:

I had the copies of the checks to Mrs. JM and [childcare center] sitting on the table to give you when you dropped them off.

LM:

Okay. You can mail them or put them in the bag for the forthcoming weekend. I also have copies of the health insurance cards made and laminated. They are the same (one card for both boys) but I made two copies of it. I was going to just mail them to you.

PEW:

If anything I’ve paid way more than what is in the support order because of days off etc….for S1 when he can’t go to [childcare center]. I am also going to ask the judge that you pay for part of S2’s tuition for this year. Also, my salary is not going to wind up being $31000 for the year, so we might be going back to a support conference anyway. I have missed a lot of time with the kids being sick etc……not that I mind being there for my children. It’s just hard when you have NO other parent around.

LM:

For someone who doesn’t mind being there for the children, all you do is complain about it. So much so that even Gloria floated the idea of switching custody, which I would welcome.

PEW:

Listen, you don’t set me straight on anything with your emails. It’s all your little fairy tail in your head…everyone knows that LM. Nothing you ever write is true.

LM:

Documented facts say otherwise.

PEW:

That’s fine about the 25th, but I am not agreeing to the summer proposal. Not at all, you’ve refused to work with me, so until you have a court order.

LM:

6 revisions to the original request says otherwise. Thank you for the understanding regarding the 25th. I truly do appreciate it.

PEW:

You’ll have them for the two weeks you requested and every other weekend after that. I’m not in contempt of anything. You better talk to your lawyer before you start making threats.

LM:

I repeat, I’m not making threats. There is a court order in effect. There is an interim agreement for the balance of the school year which we both agreed to in front of the master. I am not threatening you. I am reminding you that there are consequences for taking a hard-line that is not in compliance with orders/agreements currently in existence. Remember? You asked for “no surprises” and “no underhandedness.” Again, doing so in the face of your combativeness to no benefit of my own.

This would end the 5th or 6th exchange. She lies about having receipts or canceled checks for Mrs. JM (because she wasn’t paying her anywhere near $160/week, if she was paying her anything at all). She ramps-up the projection, telling me that “nothing” I ever write is true. She thinks she’s entitled to an increase in support for time she misses from work. She (again) complains about having to care for the children.

The only good thing was that she backed-down in the face of me holding my ground on the upcoming weekend that was in question. The next back-and-forth…

PEW:

I’ve never complained about “being there” for the children. I’ve only complained that you are not there for the children therefore making it very much more difficult for US.

LM:

No, you complained about how much of a burden is was for you… a burden that would exist whether I was in [Neartown1] or [home-state]. [Neartown2] or [Neartown3]. [Neartown4] or [Neartown5]. A burden that exists because you wanted a divorce. As usual, your lack of foresight prevented you from understanding just how difficult life becomes for everyone involved when you make such a decision.

PEW:

There are no documented facts, just you and your ridiculous claims. Speaking of documents though, I can’t wait to go to court, because I have a few documented suprises for you.

LM:

I’m sure you do. While I want to focus on the future and the children, you want to focus on telling everyone who will give you 5 minutes to speak how awful I allegedly was during our marriage. Heck, even Gloria struggled to get you re-focused on the matter at hand and not complain about what happened a year ago or longer.

PEW:

And your revisions were ridiculous. You are ridiculous. I am the only one who ever made concessions, since day 1 which started May 1st 2004.

LM:

No they weren’t. Each time you created a new “issue” - I revised the schedule to accommodate each new roadblock. Each time, you would come up with something new after I gave up MORE meaningful time during the Summer, and then I would adjust again. That’s the reality. First it was the travel frequency. Then I adjusted. Then it was the time away from Mom. Then I adjusted. Then there were adjustments for vacations (normal). Then you requested adjustments that would chop more weekends out of the schedule. Adjustments for a Special Saturday. I mean, just as with most “negotiations” in the past - once I adjust to your latest “issue” - you come up with a new hoop to jump through. Then, you agree to my proposed Summer but “don’t want to make it a part of an official order” because you want to see how the kids adjust? Rarely do your requests amount to much more than superficial delays and roadblocks. As I’ve said before, I will say again - it’s a matter of “control” for you. There is really is nothing more (of major concern) that needs to be ironed out. If you agree to this reasonable Summer/School schedule, it doesn’t leave a whole lot for you to hold over me now does it?

PEW:

The court order that we agreed to in front of the master is for every other weekend. That’s it, that’s all….that is the court order…..and it was “temporary” remember? I was trying to be nice by letting you try that situation out first. I didn’t have to agree to that.

LM:

The agreement in front of the Custody Master was for the remainder of the school year so as not to disrupt the school schedule. That’s what we agreed to. And no, you didn’t have to agree to it, but the end result of that decision would have been “no agreement” and the existing order would remain in force until we had a modification hearing.

PEW:

Again, I can’t wait to get in front of a judge this time. You are not going to get every other weekend and you’re not going to get the summer proposal. You’re not. No judge would give that to you when you’ve been so irresponsible and cavalier no matter what Gloria puts in her report.

LM:

Perhaps not, but one thing is for certain, I’ve neither been irresponsible nor cavalier on any of these matters. That’s simply another one of those things you tell yourself and others in order to convince yourself you are “the righteous one” through all of this. I’ve been exceedingly responsible, from providing financial support, providing emotional support and remaining in constant contact with the boys (when you actually answer the phone or have them call me back when you’re not available when I do call). Your problem is that you can’t dictate all of things that I do and I am not there to say “how high” when you say “jump.”

If you would just wake up someday and decide that you are no longer going to be angry and bitter about the past and come to agreement on what is very reasonable Summer and School schedule, the overwhelming majority of “issues” are gone. However, that will leave you nothing to argue about and cry “victim” over, and right now, you don’t appear ready to move on.

I suppose court will tell what the ultimate outcome will be. Just remember, should I end up not receiving the schedule I have requested - I hope that when you sit down in the aftermath you will find that your efforts were worth it. That using the kids to “get back” at me was worth it. And when you’re whining about how I am not there for the kids and can’t help you and don’t do things with them - it will be because you fought to make it that way. Though that won’t be your version of reality - it will be reality just the same. What a total tragedy that you can’t think of the kids and agree to let them spend primary time with me for 2 months out of a 12 month year because of your bitterness. You never have bridged the yawning chasm that is the gap between your contention that the boys need me in their lives more - and your efforts to prevent it. You couldn’t do it in the custody evaluations. You can’t do it during our discussions (via email or voice). Your argument that it “needs” to be with me living in [custody state] is self-serving and has nothing to do with the children.

Are you exhausted yet?

She’s already prepared to dismiss Gloria’s report if it doesn’t go in her favor.  I can tell you this… Gloria had her pegged in our sessions and was really concerned (details later), particularly about Psycho-SIL living there.

The only other comments I’ll make here was to note her comment about “having documentation” that would surprise me.  After 5-years, not one surprising document has been produced.  There aren’t any.  Not a single police report despite her telling people that there were.  Not a single bad review at any workplace.  No police record.  Nothing.  To this day, though, she still believes a great many things that simply don’t exist… including all of these “documents” that show how awful a person I am.

Part 4 looms… and you’ll watch me repeatedly beg her to just stop the madness. Of course, you know now that it’s 2009, fully 4-years after this exchange… and she hasn’t. And she won’t.