The Psycho Ex Wife

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I’ve spoken at length about the completely understandable behavioral issues that the children had at school in the early years of the divorce and child custody issues.  While they’ve taken some time to overcome, they are a world away from the way it used to be and really have an amazing grasp of what’s expected of them, particularly when it comes to behavior while at school.  It’s important to note that the children had no behavioral issues at school that I can recall in the first handful of months after our split.  Of course, they were pretty young and S2 was only in Pre-K.  Still, I had them 50% or more of the time in the handful of months after the initial split and the teachers often raved about how well-behaved they were compared to others in their classes.  This changed after the first custody evaluation white-wash and in early 2005 I became a non-custodial parent, which lasted until the fall of 2007, when I finally managed to obtain 50/50 shared parenting.   I believe that it’s no coincidence that the bulk of their troubles occurred during the period of time when PEW was the primary custodian and, since 50/50 shared parenting, have almost completely disappeared.  (Their latest report cards are a testament for how far they’ve come in the self-discipline, paying attention, and participation departments.)

It’s no secret that PEW’s style of parenting is heavily predicated on the “I don’t want to be the bad guy” style that often results in frequent, recurring behavioral issues in children.  While this wasn’t exactly the first situation we encountered (there were some during the 2005-2006 school year), this one kicked-off the 2006-2007 school year, only a few weeks after the start.  S1 got into a scrape during the school’s after care program over a ball.  He was forthright in volunteering the information during our phone call.  I followed-up with PEW:

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On or about March 16th, 2006, I had gotten a phone call from PEW. S1 was misbehaving and back-talking PEW because she didn’t give him a taffy as a snack. He said some very rude things and, despite what most readers already realize regarding the abusive behavior of PEW’s entire family toward one another, the blame can only be laid at one person’s feet. If you guessed mine - well, give yourself a taffy.

What was most alarming about this crazy phone call (and subsequent crazy emails) was PEW’s suggestion regarding how to deal with the situation. She suggested that I take full custody of S1 and she would retain full custody of S2. More of the same “I can’t handle the kids” stuff. While we know that she would never follow-through on such a plan, that she dared suggest it, on the phone, and in front of the children - knocked me for a loop. PEW’s parenting plan is to bail-out when the going gets tough.  See:

1. PEW Can’t Stand to Be Around the Children
2. You Should Have Custody of Them
3. PEW Can’t Handle the Kids - Wants to Settle (Not)

Though I had long previous refused to do any regular discipline over the phone, on this occasion I did opt to speak at length with S1 regarding the entire situation and how unacceptable his back-talk to PEW was, particularly when he clearly realized he was completely wrong.

After the entire debacle concluded, I sent an email to PEW:

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After Part 7 of the custodial interference via phone calls series, we begin winding things down and we’ll make this the conclusion of the series.

For one thing - I’ve beaten this topic to death, but felt it was important to see how a child’s mind can be influenced by a disordered parent.  Parental alienation exists and it’s an effective tool of the malicious ex-partner when left unaddressed.  When it’s done on the phone, you’re not very likely to figure out what the hell is going on and why.  I know I didn’t.  I had my suspicions, but could never prove anything.  The recordings simply confirmed those suspicions.  The other reason this is the conclusion is that after this phone call, she would refuse to allow the recording of phone calls.

The was one phone call between the one I document today and the one detailed in Part 7.  It was more of the same where she initiated discussions about the things she had bought them and that was the bulk of their discussion.  Again - it contained nothing about what they were doing or did or anything about the kids.  It was all about the gifts, all about PEW, and all about practically counting the minutes until they would be reunited again.

In this phone call, which took place after our August 2005 court hearing and during my next custodial time, we discuss a disciplinary action I took because S1 refused to eat his dinner.  We were supposed to go fishing at the lake.  His refusal to participate in dinner cost him that excursion.  If you’ve read any of the stories in the discipline category - you’ll realize that the approaches to discipline between PEW and I are quite different.  She has none.  I do.  There is no means of discipline I could impose that PEW will ever think is appropriate.  This makes sense because she simply has no concept of boundaries, expectations, or managing the children’s behavior (in positive ways or through appropriate disciplinary action).  Aside from her outbursts, smacking them in the mouth or head, or bull-rushing them into fearful situations, she just couldn’t bring herself to depart from the buddy-buddy Disneyland Mom gift-giving role, probably because she viewed the children’s disappointment at having to be punished as them not loving her.  See: Abandonment Issues.

As a result - she informs the children that they don’t have to follow the rules at our home.  Further, she undermines my punishment by promising them a fishing trip when they got home.  (Of course, in keeping with the theme that she doesn’t do much with the kids directly, someone else - her brother - would be responsible for providing that.)  After opening with our mutual recording exchanges, she starts her conversations with S2.  In his usual fashion, he was short and got off the phone quickly.  Nothing too unusual about the discussion.  Then, “the target” we know and love as S1 got on the phone…

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2005 would be the first of a couple of summers where PEW would escape paying her portion of childcare expenses when the children were with me.  Of course, there are those psycho biological mothers who believe expenses and child support should only be paid by a father.  Despite the crazy, mixed-up statutes that have afforded such women those beliefs, it’s not true.  That doesn’t mean that some don’t get their beliefs validated, either by financial attrition (dad realizes it will cost more to make her pay in legal fees than she owes for her RESPONSIBILITY), or by a judge’s “discretion.”

I approach her via email with the forthcoming issue regarding childcare during my custodial time:

PEW,

Obviously, pending the forthcoming expected report and court hearing, I was wondering how we are going to handle the child-care expenses situation? I have a couple of weeks where I will have to pay for childcare in addition to the fact that you won’t before our expected court date arrives. I was wondering how you wanted to handle it?

Please advise.

As if I had any belief that she would want to handle it any other way than “you pay for your own childcare, and you pay in proportion to our incomes for when I need childcare.”

LM,

How do you figure? According to you, you have vacation the last week in June. And then again the 2nd week in July. As I said, I’m not giving you the time until the judge makes it an order because I don’t agree with it. Additionally, I will be paying additional child care while their with me and either at camp or with a sitter (child care that is not included in the current support order.) Additionally you’ve paid nothing towards S2s $1500 tuition from last year, so I doubt I’ll be owing you any money, it’s much more likely it will be the other way around. If you feel differently, you can ask your lawyer to file for a modification and I’ll take that opportunity to get reimbursed for my out of pocket child care.

As of right now, you’ll have the kids the last week in June and the 2nd week in July.

Nuts.  Absolutely nuts.

First, our hearing wasn’t scheduled until July 20th, half-way through the summer.  Convenient for her that she would wait until the judge’s order on July 20th before “giving me” the time to which I was entitled between June 16th and July 20th.  She’s fucking brilliant.

Second, again she brings up the pre-K tuition which she was told, in an order from a Judge, was not necessary but optional.  She was stay-at-home during the week and was not in “need” of childcare.  If she wanted to enroll him, it was okay but I certainly wasn’t going to foot the bill for it.

PEW,

Thanks.

I didn’t know what else to say.  I should have said nothing, but then I have a long and storied history of not realizing that saying nothing would be the best thing to say.

LM,

and you claim “it’s not about money”…..you kill me.

And that quickly, she has me hooked again!

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Back in the summer of 2005, the kids had decidedly different personalities than they have today.  What I mean by that is that they were ages 4, 5, 6, and 6.  As you can imagine, managing all of these personalities all so close in age was like trying to corral a group of young, wild horses.  So, one night, DW and I conceived of a plan to make known our expectations.  There would be clear rules and consequences.  We came up with the idea of including them in the creation of what would be our “Household Rules and Consequences List.”

It was a rather humorous and interesting experience.  Obviously, we would guide them in certain directions, but the list came together quite quickly as a result of the following question to the children as all 6 of us sat around the dining room table to make this happen…

What rules do think we should list that are the most important in the interests of fairness and respect to everyone in the household?

The follow up question would obviously be:  And what do you think the consequences should be for breaking it?

Hilarity ensued.  Yes, hilarity, while making a list of rules and consequences.  With only minimal direction, this is the list that the children came up with in the order they offered them is as follows…

1. LISTEN TO GROWN-UPS. Consequence - Sent to room.
2. HANDS-OFF! NO HITTING, KICKING, PUSHING, POKING, ETC. Consequence - Sent to room and lose snack.
3. MEAL - EAT MOST OF YOUR MEAL AND TRY NEW FOODS. Consequence - Lose snack.
4. NO NAME-CALLING OR HATING (saying “I hate you” or “I don’t like you”).  IT’S OKAY TO SAY, “I’m angry with you.” Consequence - A talking-to and a sincere apology should be given to the person you said those things to.
5. NO THROWING STUFF IN THE HOUSE! Consequence - Whatever is being thrown will be taken away.
6. NO WHINING OR FAKE CRYING  (We need to react to problems appropriate, not everything is a crisis.) Consequence - Sent to room to chill-out until you get your emotions under control.
7. IN THE MORNINGS - QUIET!  GET TEETH BRUSHED, GET DRESSED, DO BATHROOM CHECKS. Consequence - Sent to room if not quiet and remain there until an adult is up.
8. AS FOR SNACKS - DO NOT JUST TAKE STUFF FOR YOURSELF. Consequence - Snack will be taken away and loss of additional snacks is likely.
9. SHARE TOYS. Be sure to talk and problem solve.  Keep it friendly!  Consequence - toy being argued about may be taken away.
10. RESPECT ALL PEOPLE. Consequence - A talking-to and time spent in your room.

In the interests of having all parents on the same page with what we were attempting  do, and that is, make the children conscious about being good people to one another and others, we let POE (DW’s ex) and PEW (LM’s ex) know what we did and how we did it.  Further, we gave a copy to each of them to post on their refrigerators if they so chose.

POE loved the story.  Thought it was a wonderful idea.  Posted it on his refrigerator and gave all the kids a big pat on the back for their efforts.

PEW, well, you can imagine how she received it.  We were “Nazi Boot Camp” and all of the usual and customary accusations of abuse and oppression would be forthcoming.  Nevermind that the children actually crafted the list with our guidance.  She found nothing redeeming about it.  (For the record - she would bring this up to CE2, who would tell her that they were perfectly appropriate, the exercise was wonderful, and it was a clear sign of good parenting.  When asked what her objection was to it, PEW stuttered and stammered through a weak follow-up because she knew she couldn’t really use “Nazi Boot Camp” with the custody evaluator, particularly after she just praised it as a sign of clear communication of expectations, boundary-setting, and just good parenting.)

This was the email I had sent about the rules and consequences list:

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