The Psycho Ex Wife

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My family often marvels about how much time I have to spend in court and doing court-related activities like conferences, evaluations, etc.  I often marvel, too.  One of my family members surmised that the amount of litigation that the psycho ex-wife puts us through is a new disease.  Thusly, he coined the name of the new disease as:

LITIGITOSIS

I still laugh at the way the word sounds as it rolls off of the tongue.  Litigitiosis.  Essentially, litigitosis is a disease of excessive frivolous and vexatious litigation.  PEW has severe litigitosis.  At this time, there is no cure and we’re not sure that there will ever be one because the Family Court players pay a lot of money to the pharmaceutical companies to not research and develop medication for this disease.  There is too much money to be made from excessive frivolous and vexatious litigation and personality disorders are the engine that powers the money making machine.

PEW would project, errr… I mean have other people believe, through her innate ability to spin a yarn, that I am the excessive litigant.  Unfortunately and unsurprisingly, that’s simply not true.

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I tend to be falsely accused of sharing information about court hearings and other litigation-related matters with the children.  This is simply due to PEW’s penchant for projection.  It’s something we know that she does with the kids regularly.  In fact, she shares so much inappropriate information with them it amazes me every day that they do as well as they do in school and other areas of life.  When a psycho ex-wife or psycho ex-husband is falsely accusing you of something, there is a very strong chance that they are doing the exact thing (or something close to it) which they’re accusing you of perpetrating.

Bottom line is that we just don’t do it.  While there have been occasions where we have been approached by the children with questions (exclusively prompted by things said by PEW), we handle those carefully, in age appropriate ways, and move away from any unnecessary details.

The very night after the end of the crap detailed in “Custody Exchange Logistics” - I got a voice mail from PEW describing how S1 was really upset and it had something to do with the court stuff.  I replied via email:

PEW,

Got your voice mail. Perhaps if you could be a little more specific, I might be able to understand what S1 was upset about.

I can assure you that I don’t speak to S1 about our ongoing issues in any capacity. During last night’s phone call, all we discussed was school and homework. He told me that he was doing good but that sometimes he didn’t understand what he was doing regarding math and reading. He told me that you try to help him and I told him that if he could tell me what it was he was having trouble with, I could certainly help him, too. I told him that I thought it would be a better idea to do homework when he came home when stuff was “fresh in your mind” instead of watching television and doing his work so late in the evening. He understood that. He seemed a little frustrated, but that was all we discussed.

This past weekend, we did nothing but play, watch a couple of shows, and watch the tide come in and go out, and have a party. The weather and full moon made the back bays flood and there were some interesting sights to see as a result. There was no discussion (there never is) about our predicament. He did express some concern about having to move again. It was a short discussion and I assured him that we would make sure that the transition to a new place would be as smooth as we could make it, though I don’t really know how that will be accomplished.

Do you have any idea regarding where you are moving to or when? It’s certain a very important issue.

~LM

That was it. I gave her a detailed explanation and her voice mail was very confusing and out of left field (as they often were).

LM,

I won’t have to move at all if the judge awards the counsel fees. If we do have to move, the kids can thank you some day for that. As far as last night, he specifically got off the phone and started crying about “the feud” as he called it. I find it hard to believe that OUR kids don’t hear anything from your end, since DW’s kids seem to know quite a bit, as evidenced by my conversations with them at the courthouse over the summer. I told S1 that it’s already been settled, they are staying with me and will continue to see you as much, if not more as they do now. Unless you move back, in which case they would see you ALOT more.

You need to do some serious examination of your conscience.

~PEW

And just that fast her concern about the kids vanished as she went into her usual blame mode and money grabbing scheming. Shocker.

I would ignore that, but she would offer a follow-up…

LM,

by the way, it was 7:45 when we were doing homework last night, not “so late in the evening”.

~PEW

Their bed time at the time was 8 o’clock during school nights. That would make it “late in the evening” for the boys aged 5 and 8. Duh. Pure genius, she is.

Another commonality with the high-conflict ex is their ability to turn their own logic on a dime.  Her problems and any problems regarding the children were originally due to my involvement in their lives and my proximity to them and all she wanted was me to go away and get the hell out of their lives.  When I was relegated to non-custodial parent status and 200-miles away, her problems and any problems regarding the children were due to my absence from their lives and the distance I was away from them and all she wanted me to do was move back (and sometime even suggested I move in).

Of course, now that I’m back, all she wants is to minimize my custody again and have me go away.  And people wonder why I’m alarmed by her craziness, her unnecessary and excessive child custody litigation, and it’s ultimate impact on the children.

Be prepared if you have one of your own.  This shit will never stop.  Push-pull, pull-push, stay-go stay-go go-stay, SPLITTING, I hate you - don’t leave me, etc.

In October of 2006, right before the major-major hearing on child custody, came another situation that was a total clusterflock for several reasons.  One, PEW seemed to take some sick pleasure in willfully defying the court’s orders.  Two, I still had a tendency to use provocative language from time to time.  Other than habitually defending one’s self against false accusations and irrational behavior, there is no more foolish a way to escalate a conflict with a PEW faster than using “triggering” language.  We were still in the middle of “The Very Clear Court Order is Unclear to PEW” mode.

However, that’s not the interesting part of this exchange.  The interesting part of this exchange is the sense of entitlement that is so often talked about on this blog.  It’s a really excellent example of how psycho ex’s expect the entire world to bow to their whims.  If you thought PEW’s repeatedly asking me to come back or move in, or share a residence with her moving out while DW and I move in alternating weekly took unmitigated gall - well, this one goes one step further.

October 2006…

LM,

I am asking the judge for attorney’s fees. That’s the whole reason my house is for sale….it’s not fair to the kids. You did this to us…..you should FIX it. What the hell did you think was going to happen?? These poor kids……

~PEW

Well, of course, everyone should know by now that everything bad that happens in PEW’s life is my fault. Always was… always will be. This is one of two times she put the house she bought in 2005 up for sale because she couldn’t afford it and that was before the foreclosure issue that cropped up in 2008.  By the way, that was also my fault.

I ignore, but reply about the forthcoming custody exchange.  Of course, I didn’t ignore it because I knew about low-contact.  I ignored it because of the litigation that was forthcoming the following week.  However, I open up my email with a stupid comment that would serve to give her cause to escalate and me right along with her…

PEW,

I was wondering if you were going to follow the Judge’s interim order regarding exchanges and meet this weekend for the exchange or continue to defy Judge [Contempt]?

Please let me know so I can make appropriate arrangements. I expect to be going to [grandmom's] again.

~LM

Oh to have learned about and gained the discipline to work low-contact magic so many years before I actually did…

LM,

I’m not defying Judge [Contempt]. If I am going to be doing driving, provisions will need to be made to the support order. You have already caused me and the children undue financial hardship with your unfounded litigation. I intend to show the Judge next week why I should not be driving. In the interim, you always have the option of leaving DW and moving back up here…..the judge said she would certainly be willing to give you MORE time with the children. You need to start doing the right thing for a change.

~PEW

Ah. Money. So, when she’s not claiming it’s about the “safety” of the children, she reveals the true motivation - money. And of course, there was the obligatory “leave DW” request and move back. And, staying truly consistent, me wanting more custodial time with the children is unfounded litigation despite being what we had agreed to from the very outset. Her fighting against me having more custodial time, well… that’s not unfounded. Nor were all of her falsely sworn petitions and testimony.

But that’s not all…

LM,

here’s a thought for ya….POE and DW have NOOOO family in [home state], how bout they ALL move to [custody state]. You know why that’s not happening……because DW thinks her own children are more important than ours……and so do you obviously.

~PEW

Now THERE it is! Now, ignore the fact that POE and DW actually DO have family in reasonable proximity to where we were living. Focus on the reality, as warped as it is, that she would have the reasonable expectation that all of these people would sell their homes, leave their jobs, move away from their family - simply for PEW’s convenience. I think that beats the few stories of her requests for me to move back in with her, or to do a “birdnesting” custody arrangement where we would even dare move into and out of her home on a weekly basis. POE, DW, their kids, and I should I just up and leave our jobs, sell our homes, kids leave their schools, their friends, and relocate closer to PEW because that’s what she thinks is right and reasonable.

Only in the mind of a PEW…

LM and DW -

I have recently come across your site and I am inexplicably addicted to reading all about your PEW and your struggles. I read anywhere I can, but mostly at work. In my situation, it isn’t a PEW, but a Psycho Ex-Husband who is nothing but enabled by his family. (He was also once diagnosed by a counselor as a borderline bipolar, but as soon as he heard about that……stopped going!)

I just read your post from 26 Mar 08, PEW reverses Course - Apologizes. I have seen this type of thing too many times to count. It’s insanity (based on the definition).

You write:

PEW is working YEARS in advance to convince the children that I’m the “bad guy” and when they’re 12-years old they can stroll into court and pick her over me. It’s disgusting.

[These] last few lines of the post really hit home. My children are S14, D12, S10. Two years ago, The Psycho Ex-Husband filed for full custody of S14 on the basis that I was a danger to him. S14 became upset with me when I informed him it was time for bed. It was 1am on [New Year's] Day. S14 declared that The Psycho Ex-Husband told him he didn’t have to listen to me when he didn’t feel like it. I turned out the lights and said, “BEDTIME!”

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Well, it’s been a month from hell and it’s time to start dealing with more adversity and unnecessary litigation and associated crapola that comes with it.  There is bad news and there is also… bad news.  We continue to be thrown challenges from everywhere, and with a lot of hard work - we shall overcome these, too.

The Job

I’m very sad to report that the new job which I started at the beginning of the year is no more.  I was laid-off from a job that was fun, exciting, rewarding, and one about which I had much hope for growth.  This economy is kicking everyone’s ass and mine is no exception.  I’m tired of the boot prints on my rear-end.  This, much the same as the others, was a result of business conditions.  They loved my work.  I broke my ass to impress and impress I did.  Due to some technical snafus which prevented the business growth they had planned for in the beginning of the year combined with me being the lowest man on the proverbial totem-pole meant I would be part of the 25% cut from the workforce.  I left with a great recommendation and much praise for my work, but not much else.  Complicating matters is that due to the length of my layoff last year, I am ineligible for unemployment compensation, rendering my income to exactly $0.  While I have appealed the decision, I’m not hopeful that I will come out on top of this one.  So, it’s back to the work, the very hard work, of finding work.

Child Custody

PEW has sued me for full custody of the children again.  This is the child custody situation to end all child custody situations.  Frankly, I wish the judge would have said, “No, you two have been through no fewer than three custody evaluations and I am not going to entertain any more of your bullshit.” Suffices to say that this child custody petition may be the worst in terms of frivolousness than the many which have passed before it.  Due to pending litigation, I will refrain from sharing the details of her mindlessness.  A hearing which was to take place on Tuesday, June 1st, was averted because a custody evaluation was requested, agreed to, and granted.  Yes, it will be the county-run  custody evaluation program, rife with all of its faults and my usual doubts rooted in experience.  Yes, it will be the FOURTH custody evaluation in SIX years.  The bottom line is that PEW has sued for custody of the children because she is angry and full of rage.  Beyond that, she simply has no grounds for pulling this latest stunt that will again prove to be quite costly and add monumental stress to already stressed-out children.

Child Support

Also seemingly never-ending, is the madness that has been trying to get an appropriate child support modification which, at the time of my refiling so that I could prove something that doesn’t exist (answer PEW’s completely unsupported challenge that I have hidden income) - would ultimately be based upon my new income for a fair and appropriate child support figure.  After the filing, obviously I was laid off again, which became yet another significant change in circumstances warranting consideration for a change in child support.  The hearing scheduled for Friday, June 4th, was averted when we agreed to simply suspend the child support since I have NO income now.

So, as you can see, we’ve been dealing with a lot for the last month which accounts for the slow trickle of blog posts.  Frankly, I didn’t have the energy to do it with all of the circus-crazy-madness that has been swirling around our lives.  The level of new research, printing, organizing, and preparing for not one, but two hearings was taking far too much time away from everything.

In any event, the PEW is escalating like a rabid dog.  The insults, vulgarity, put-downs and rage are flying.  All we can do is shake our heads and pray for the day when she’ll wise the hell up and stop the crazy train and thoughtless, baseless, and completely unnecessary litigation that will, some day, circle around and kick her so hard in the ass that she’ll need plastic surgery to get it off of her shoulder and back down where it belongs.

Please send your positive vibes our way and keep us in your thoughts if you would be so kind.