The Psycho Ex Wife

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After Part 7 of the custodial interference via phone calls series, we begin winding things down and we’ll make this the conclusion of the series.

For one thing - I’ve beaten this topic to death, but felt it was important to see how a child’s mind can be influenced by a disordered parent.  Parental alienation exists and it’s an effective tool of the malicious ex-partner when left unaddressed.  When it’s done on the phone, you’re not very likely to figure out what the hell is going on and why.  I know I didn’t.  I had my suspicions, but could never prove anything.  The recordings simply confirmed those suspicions.  The other reason this is the conclusion is that after this phone call, she would refuse to allow the recording of phone calls.

The was one phone call between the one I document today and the one detailed in Part 7.  It was more of the same where she initiated discussions about the things she had bought them and that was the bulk of their discussion.  Again - it contained nothing about what they were doing or did or anything about the kids.  It was all about the gifts, all about PEW, and all about practically counting the minutes until they would be reunited again.

In this phone call, which took place after our August 2005 court hearing and during my next custodial time, we discuss a disciplinary action I took because S1 refused to eat his dinner.  We were supposed to go fishing at the lake.  His refusal to participate in dinner cost him that excursion.  If you’ve read any of the stories in the discipline category - you’ll realize that the approaches to discipline between PEW and I are quite different.  She has none.  I do.  There is no means of discipline I could impose that PEW will ever think is appropriate.  This makes sense because she simply has no concept of boundaries, expectations, or managing the children’s behavior (in positive ways or through appropriate disciplinary action).  Aside from her outbursts, smacking them in the mouth or head, or bull-rushing them into fearful situations, she just couldn’t bring herself to depart from the buddy-buddy Disneyland Mom gift-giving role, probably because she viewed the children’s disappointment at having to be punished as them not loving her.  See: Abandonment Issues.

As a result - she informs the children that they don’t have to follow the rules at our home.  Further, she undermines my punishment by promising them a fishing trip when they got home.  (Of course, in keeping with the theme that she doesn’t do much with the kids directly, someone else - her brother - would be responsible for providing that.)  After opening with our mutual recording exchanges, she starts her conversations with S2.  In his usual fashion, he was short and got off the phone quickly.  Nothing too unusual about the discussion.  Then, “the target” we know and love as S1 got on the phone…

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Being the glutton for punishment that I obviously was in the summer of 2005, part 6 was a morning phone call.  I actually took an evening phone call from her the same day.

PEW: Hello? You recording?
LM Hey. Yes, I sure am.
PEW: Okay, good.
LM (inaudible)
PEW: Yeah, you change your mind?
LM No, I didn’t change my mind, did you change yours?
PEW: No.
LM I did speak with my father, though.
PEW: Mmmhmm.
LM He asked me to ask you what he told you.
PEW: Hmm?
LM To ask you what he told you.
PEW: Well, I didn’t really talk to him.

I knew this.  She often lied about such things.  I’m not sure I even talked with my father at that point, but I did confront her with the above - mostly because that’s what my father probably would have said to me, had I talked to him or not.

LM Why would you suggest then that my father would be calling me?
PEW: I don’t know. I can’t believe that you did this to the kids.

QUICK!  MUST CREATE DIVERSION!  MUST CREATE DIVERSION!!!

LM I really wish you would stop saying that I did anything to the kids. The kids are, again, downstairs having a grand old time. Disappointed that you’re not coming down here to get them.
PEW: That was never… that was never supposed to happen.
LM Well, I guess you didn’t communicate very well, then. But all I told them is that we forgot to work on the specifics and that uh, if things didn’t work out for today that I would take them back on Tuesday night because I had to go back up there anyway.
PEW: Well the, I want to call them back at bedtime.
LM You can talk to them now if you want.
PEW: No, I don’t want them getting all upset and then (long pause) (inaudible) This definitely has to be the most vindictive thing you ever did.
LM I’m not doing anything to you and I’m not doing anything to the kids. I, I don’t know where you conjure up these things. You know, I’m sorry that our signals got crossed…
PEW: No signals got crossed…
LM …stop acting like I promised you any such thing, cause I didn’t.
PEW: No signals got crossed.
LM Please don’t act like I promised you any such thing, cause I didn’t. Number one. And number two, please don’t intimate that I’m doing anything to the kids. I said it before and I’ll say it again, just like two weeks ago. Your coming down here is… is of your own free will.
PEW: No.
LM If you want to come down here, I’m not keeping the kids from you, I’m not telling you you can’t see the kids, I’m just telling you that circumstances are not gonna permit me to bring them all the way back today, so…
PEW: Well, you wouldn’t even meet me in [halfway point]. That’s wrong. It’s wrong.
LM Why is that wrong?
PEW: And you know what? Tomorrow, I am having the contempt thing trialed. I’m not, not going to spend 14 years like this, no.
LM I don’t intend to spend 14 years like this either, I just don’t know what “like this” means.
PEW: Mmmhmm. Well, what would make you think after all, I’ve never driven down there except for the one time that you refused to meet me…

PEW logic:  Since she has never driven down “there” before, she should never have to drive down “there.”  I wonder how she would react if I were to use such a childish approach?

LM You mean, the one time that I made you stand by your commitment to come down like you had promised all week.
PEW: Right. Then why would I… why would I come down there?
LM You’re the one saying that you really miss the kids.
PEW: Hmm?
LM You’re the one saying that you really miss the kids.
PEW: I do really miss them, LM, but…
LM Stop making it out like I’m keeping them from you, because I’m not.
PEW: You are.
LM No, I’m not.
PEW: You are. I can’t drive my car down there. First of all, my lawyer said I can’t. I shouldn’t.

Which is it?  Can’t?  or Shouldn’t?  Let this be lesson 1,478,522 of how lawyers can be such scumbags… that is, assuming her lawyer actually told her that.  Her last one told her to move back into the marital home and so she broke in, so it’s entirely believable.  Maybe this new attorney was the same as the old.

LM Shouldn’t and can’t are two different things.
PEW: Yeah, I shouldn’t. And, advised strongly against it, so. (Long pause) (Inaudible) I mean, I can’t, I’m not gonna feel bad about what… whatever consequences you have tomorrow.
LM You don’t feel bad about anything.
PEW: Yeah, I do.
LM No, you don’t.
PEW: I felt more bad, obviously I feel the worst about the kids, but whatever you’ll sustain as a result of what you did today, I can’t feel sorry for you.
LM What exactly did I do today?
PEW: LM, you and I both know what you did today.
LM What did I do today? I’ve asked you repeatedly to send me the evidence that you have that I told you…
PEW: I did. Did you see the email I sent you?
LM No.
PEW: Oh, it says in there three separate times that your vacation was over.
LM Right.
PEW: Right. And you’ve returned them. Since you moved in March, you have done all the returning. So how all of a sudden…

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This part in the series is less about a discussion with the children and more about the forthcoming exchange after my interrupted week of vacation, a mess that was detailed in Custodial Interference Can Screw Vacation Plans.  During this week of phone calls in 2005, PEW tried to get the children to beg me to come home early and also told them that I had promised to bring them all the way back to her on Sunday, which simply wasn’t true.  Rather than cave-in, I appropriately explained the situation to the kids as a misunderstanding, but that PEW was either going to come get them on Sunday or I would deliver them to her when I came up that following Tuesday as I had to be in town for court anyway.  Still, she was relentless in trying to badger me to change my mind. (Click here to review Part 4.)

PEW: Hello
LM: Good evening
PEW: LM, you gotta tell me that you’re kidding me about this
LM: Oh, before we get started are we exchanging our mutual recording edicts
PEW: Yes
LM: You got your recorder on?
PEW: Yes, yes
LM: Okay good, why would I be kidding
PEW: Because, it’s, like you know that this wasn’t part of the agreement, it’s not fair, it’s not fair to do that to me, it’s not fair to do that to them
LM: Do what to you, do what to them?
PEW: I’ll meet you in [halfway exchange location], but to say that I have to drive all the way down there, that’s not fair, when the deal was that you were gonna bring them home on Sunday.

Guilt-tripping is a favorite tactic of a PEW.  Once you recognize it and don’t let it affect you, it’s a major-fail.  When guilt-tripping doesn’t work, just resort to creating a fictional “deal” that never happened, because that might work.

LM: Maybe in your head that was the deal, there was no deal, I didn’t make any deal with you about who was picking and dropping them off.
PEW: Well I have e-mails that say that you are going to drop them off on Sunday.
LM: No you don’t
PEW: Yes I do
LM: Well then if you do, send them to me
PEW: No
LM: And I’ll correct my mistake
PEW: Okay, I will, it might take me a couple minutes to find them but
LM: Not ones that say you can pick them up anytime Sunday, or they can come home anytime you want Sunday, ones that say “I’m going to bring them back to you”. There’s a difference. I didn’t tell S1 any such thing, but I know you told S1 that. I never told you I was bring the kids back to [your house], never

This was the truth and I would have kept my word, too.  If she could produce a single email or even a recording where I specifically told her that I would bring the children all the way back to her or even meet half-way - I would absolutely do it.  The truth is, it never happened and I knew she wasn’t going to produce such an email.  Still, she persisted in believing that she had them.

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In part 3 of the phone call series, PEW had ramped up her efforts to interfere with my parenting time by telling the children to ask me to bring them home early.  In addition to that, she went through the usual negative talk and prompting the kids to cry and complain about their time with us.  It’s abundantly clear from the discussions that she couldn’t care less about anything positive that might be going on with them, actively dismissing any talk of fun times and interesting things they were doing.

While I didn’t know it at the time of the last call, I had inquired about how their discussion turned so negative and PEW flat-out lied about what was said on the phone.  By this call the following night in July of 2005, I had listened to the recording and discovered the depth of her efforts and he lyi

PEW: Hello?
LM: Hello. It’s me calling.
PEW: Hello. Recording!
LM: Yeah?
PEW: Yeah.
LM: You are huh?
PEW: Yeah, I just wanted to let you know.
LM: Okay. I’m lettin’ you know, too. Uh, I’m also letting you know that I spoke to S1 last night about, uh, why it’s important for him to spend meaningful time with me until Sunday and contrary to your assertion last night on the phone, what he told me was that you told him to ask me.
PEW: He said he wanted to come home and I said you have to ask daddy.
LM: I don’t think that’s what took place, PEW.

Actually, I know what took place because S1 told me straight what had taken place.

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So we’re dealing with the second extended stay with me for the summer of 2005 and the daily phone calls have turned into the PEW imposing negativism on the children regarding their time with us.  Additionally, she uses these phone calls as efforts to perform what I term a type of custodial interference.  How so?  Well, what the manipulative mother does is buy the children things… toys, games, animals, what-have-you and then tell the youngsters about them.  It doesn’t take much to get a 4-year old and a 6-year old very excited.  When you tell the children about such treats when they are away from you, well then their focus becomes the goodies which await their return.  As you might imagine, the rest of their time with me would be spent obsessing about getting home to their gifts.

In Part1, it starts small.  In Part 2, she increases her efforts slightly.  In Part 3, she’ll put her work into full effect.

After our usual “the call is being recorded” exchange and acknowledgments, S1 goes first…

PEW: How you doing?
S1: Good
PEW: What did you do today?
S1: Um, we went to the park that’s all
PEW: Really, oooooo.
S1: Yea.
PEW: Umm, who, were you with Nanny Suzie today?
S1: Yea
PEW: Soooo… Ohhhhh, soo how’s everything going?
S1: Good
PEW: Good?

Again, without the context offered by the first 2 installments, you would think nothing of this.  With context, my first thought (if not yours) is that she’s questioning his reply that everything is “good.”

S1: Yea
PEW: Yeaaahh, I miss you
S1: I miss you too

The immediate shift from him to her.  It’s all about PEW.  Of course, she’s initiating the negative thoughts of missing her and lays the foundation for more of the same.

PEW: Sooo, what’s new anything?
S1: No
PEW: Noooo, so just you guys and daddy?
S1: Yea
PEW: Yea? DW’s still down the shore?
S1: Yea

From there she goes right into interrogation mode, digging for information about other things (in this case, where DW is and what she is doing).  The discussion is barely about S1, if at all.

PEW: Yea? Bummer, Sooooo ummm, you guys bored or what?
S1: Yes, but I’m also mad.

Right back to the negative talk.  She doesn’t even disguise it.  At no point does she ask enthusiastically about what they’re doing, how they’re doing, and keeping the discussion up-beat.  She offers doubt when the kids say things are good.  She shifts to discussion of “missing her” instead of what’s good in their lives with dad.  Her questions almost always gravitate back to something negative, in this case, suggesting they’re “bored.”  Who the hell does this?  A psycho ex does, that’s who.

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