The Psycho Ex Wife

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The PEW is a real prize of stability and self-control.  I often wonder how many readers go through the “notable crazy e-mail, totally unsolicited and out-of-the-blue” like those in what will soon become a lengthy Notable Crazy Email Series.

This one is a treat and I’m going to code this with the “more” tag due to it’s extreme level of vulgarity and rage.  Proceed at your own risk.

SUBJECT:  TO DW

(more…)

One of the many things that PEW has taken to doing since the discovery of thepsychoexwife.com has been to stalk and read the site and the forums incessantly.  She does this from home, her sister’s place, her parents house, and yes - even her workplace.  This has resulted in a barrage of crazy emails.  Not that they haven’t always been there, obviously.  However, the torrent has increased quite a bit over the course of the last year.  This one came on the heels of a step-parenting series article titled, I’m Just the Step-Mother.

Though we’ve previously only done one post, a long time ago and called it, “Notable Crazy Email…” - expect to see some more of these out of the blue, unsolicited assaults on our inbox in the future for as long as she continues to provide them.

LM,

I know I’ve been being baited for weeks now, but couldn’t resist this…..that’s right DW, you have no rights when it comes to my children and you NEVER EVER WILL. I read your list and I don’t think you did any of this crap. You hurt the boys WAY more than you help them and I am fully prepared to show that in court. This list will be helpful, Thanks!

—–

I’m a stepmother that helps my stepchildren, in some way, every day:

* I helped try to teach them to ride a bike
* I helped teach them how to tie their shoes
* I help them get exercise and learn about health and fitness
* I pick out books for them
* I take them fishing, sometimes even when Dad can’t (Once in 6 years)
* I take them on walks and hikes (when?)
* I sign them up for sports, on my time and with my money (Huh, are you talking about the swimming from 4 years ago?)
* I teach them how to make and try new foods (1x)
* I introduce them to different cities and cultures, my time, my money
* I teach them how to speak with respect (No I do that, you curse constantly)
* I help them with homework
* I buy them new clothes
* I buy them Christmas presents
* I made an area in the woods for them to play behind our house, decorated it with them
* I play board games with them
* I introduce them to new music
* I keep the craft cabinet stocked so they can continue to make art
* I make sure they brush their teeth appropriately
* I make sure they wipe the toilet seat off when their aim sucks
* I help take care of them when they are sick
* I help clean up their vomit
* I cut their hair
* I come up with events like SmoresFest and outdoor movie night so they can have fun
* I help teach them about respect for themselves and others
* I help teach them the importance of education
* I do this with no desire nor intent to replace their biological mother
* I do this because I care about them and love them
* I treat their father with care, love, respect, and dignity so they may experience what a healthy relationship really looks like

<…Balance of Blog Post edited for length…>

~PEW

What’s incredibly funny about this diatribe is that of the 28 things on the short-list that DW posted, she saw fit to comment on only five.  Of those five, she only really refuted one.  Further, even if we were to believe that DW “cursed constantly” - that would leave a solid A on the test scale with a 27/28 correct.

More deeply, none of the items on that list could she possibly have any first-hand knowledge from which to claim they’re false.

Something is seriously wrong with her.  It’s hard for people in situations like this, the new step-mothers or step-fathers who have to deal with a person who is so consumed by hatred and rage that their lives seemingly revolve around ways to torment their ex-spouses, ex-partners, and their loved ones.  The fiction she creates easily lead one to believe that she feels threatened by the existence of another person in the children’s lives who cares enough about them and loves them enough to do just about anything to help make them happy, healthy, intelligent, and well-rounded people.

That’s one of the great many shames about all of this.

I tend to be falsely accused of sharing information about court hearings and other litigation-related matters with the children.  This is simply due to PEW’s penchant for projection.  It’s something we know that she does with the kids regularly.  In fact, she shares so much inappropriate information with them it amazes me every day that they do as well as they do in school and other areas of life.  When a psycho ex-wife or psycho ex-husband is falsely accusing you of something, there is a very strong chance that they are doing the exact thing (or something close to it) which they’re accusing you of perpetrating.

Bottom line is that we just don’t do it.  While there have been occasions where we have been approached by the children with questions (exclusively prompted by things said by PEW), we handle those carefully, in age appropriate ways, and move away from any unnecessary details.

The very night after the end of the crap detailed in “Custody Exchange Logistics” - I got a voice mail from PEW describing how S1 was really upset and it had something to do with the court stuff.  I replied via email:

PEW,

Got your voice mail. Perhaps if you could be a little more specific, I might be able to understand what S1 was upset about.

I can assure you that I don’t speak to S1 about our ongoing issues in any capacity. During last night’s phone call, all we discussed was school and homework. He told me that he was doing good but that sometimes he didn’t understand what he was doing regarding math and reading. He told me that you try to help him and I told him that if he could tell me what it was he was having trouble with, I could certainly help him, too. I told him that I thought it would be a better idea to do homework when he came home when stuff was “fresh in your mind” instead of watching television and doing his work so late in the evening. He understood that. He seemed a little frustrated, but that was all we discussed.

This past weekend, we did nothing but play, watch a couple of shows, and watch the tide come in and go out, and have a party. The weather and full moon made the back bays flood and there were some interesting sights to see as a result. There was no discussion (there never is) about our predicament. He did express some concern about having to move again. It was a short discussion and I assured him that we would make sure that the transition to a new place would be as smooth as we could make it, though I don’t really know how that will be accomplished.

Do you have any idea regarding where you are moving to or when? It’s certain a very important issue.

~LM

That was it. I gave her a detailed explanation and her voice mail was very confusing and out of left field (as they often were).

LM,

I won’t have to move at all if the judge awards the counsel fees. If we do have to move, the kids can thank you some day for that. As far as last night, he specifically got off the phone and started crying about “the feud” as he called it. I find it hard to believe that OUR kids don’t hear anything from your end, since DW’s kids seem to know quite a bit, as evidenced by my conversations with them at the courthouse over the summer. I told S1 that it’s already been settled, they are staying with me and will continue to see you as much, if not more as they do now. Unless you move back, in which case they would see you ALOT more.

You need to do some serious examination of your conscience.

~PEW

And just that fast her concern about the kids vanished as she went into her usual blame mode and money grabbing scheming. Shocker.

I would ignore that, but she would offer a follow-up…

LM,

by the way, it was 7:45 when we were doing homework last night, not “so late in the evening”.

~PEW

Their bed time at the time was 8 o’clock during school nights. That would make it “late in the evening” for the boys aged 5 and 8. Duh. Pure genius, she is.

Another commonality with the high-conflict ex is their ability to turn their own logic on a dime.  Her problems and any problems regarding the children were originally due to my involvement in their lives and my proximity to them and all she wanted was me to go away and get the hell out of their lives.  When I was relegated to non-custodial parent status and 200-miles away, her problems and any problems regarding the children were due to my absence from their lives and the distance I was away from them and all she wanted me to do was move back (and sometime even suggested I move in).

Of course, now that I’m back, all she wants is to minimize my custody again and have me go away.  And people wonder why I’m alarmed by her craziness, her unnecessary and excessive child custody litigation, and it’s ultimate impact on the children.

Be prepared if you have one of your own.  This shit will never stop.  Push-pull, pull-push, stay-go stay-go go-stay, SPLITTING, I hate you - don’t leave me, etc.

In October of 2006, right before the major-major hearing on child custody, came another situation that was a total clusterflock for several reasons.  One, PEW seemed to take some sick pleasure in willfully defying the court’s orders.  Two, I still had a tendency to use provocative language from time to time.  Other than habitually defending one’s self against false accusations and irrational behavior, there is no more foolish a way to escalate a conflict with a PEW faster than using “triggering” language.  We were still in the middle of “The Very Clear Court Order is Unclear to PEW” mode.

However, that’s not the interesting part of this exchange.  The interesting part of this exchange is the sense of entitlement that is so often talked about on this blog.  It’s a really excellent example of how psycho ex’s expect the entire world to bow to their whims.  If you thought PEW’s repeatedly asking me to come back or move in, or share a residence with her moving out while DW and I move in alternating weekly took unmitigated gall - well, this one goes one step further.

October 2006…

LM,

I am asking the judge for attorney’s fees. That’s the whole reason my house is for sale….it’s not fair to the kids. You did this to us…..you should FIX it. What the hell did you think was going to happen?? These poor kids……

~PEW

Well, of course, everyone should know by now that everything bad that happens in PEW’s life is my fault. Always was… always will be. This is one of two times she put the house she bought in 2005 up for sale because she couldn’t afford it and that was before the foreclosure issue that cropped up in 2008.  By the way, that was also my fault.

I ignore, but reply about the forthcoming custody exchange.  Of course, I didn’t ignore it because I knew about low-contact.  I ignored it because of the litigation that was forthcoming the following week.  However, I open up my email with a stupid comment that would serve to give her cause to escalate and me right along with her…

PEW,

I was wondering if you were going to follow the Judge’s interim order regarding exchanges and meet this weekend for the exchange or continue to defy Judge [Contempt]?

Please let me know so I can make appropriate arrangements. I expect to be going to [grandmom's] again.

~LM

Oh to have learned about and gained the discipline to work low-contact magic so many years before I actually did…

LM,

I’m not defying Judge [Contempt]. If I am going to be doing driving, provisions will need to be made to the support order. You have already caused me and the children undue financial hardship with your unfounded litigation. I intend to show the Judge next week why I should not be driving. In the interim, you always have the option of leaving DW and moving back up here…..the judge said she would certainly be willing to give you MORE time with the children. You need to start doing the right thing for a change.

~PEW

Ah. Money. So, when she’s not claiming it’s about the “safety” of the children, she reveals the true motivation - money. And of course, there was the obligatory “leave DW” request and move back. And, staying truly consistent, me wanting more custodial time with the children is unfounded litigation despite being what we had agreed to from the very outset. Her fighting against me having more custodial time, well… that’s not unfounded. Nor were all of her falsely sworn petitions and testimony.

But that’s not all…

LM,

here’s a thought for ya….POE and DW have NOOOO family in [home state], how bout they ALL move to [custody state]. You know why that’s not happening……because DW thinks her own children are more important than ours……and so do you obviously.

~PEW

Now THERE it is! Now, ignore the fact that POE and DW actually DO have family in reasonable proximity to where we were living. Focus on the reality, as warped as it is, that she would have the reasonable expectation that all of these people would sell their homes, leave their jobs, move away from their family - simply for PEW’s convenience. I think that beats the few stories of her requests for me to move back in with her, or to do a “birdnesting” custody arrangement where we would even dare move into and out of her home on a weekly basis. POE, DW, their kids, and I should I just up and leave our jobs, sell our homes, kids leave their schools, their friends, and relocate closer to PEW because that’s what she thinks is right and reasonable.

Only in the mind of a PEW…

That’s what loving, caring parents do whenever and wherever it is possible in situations such as ours.  Unfortunately, in this regard, the only person you can control is yourself.  I’ve lost count of how many times the PEW has threatened to “force” the children to go before the Judge and “tell” the judge who they want to live with.  She’s worked tirelessly to ensure that the choice would be her.  You see, PEWs cannot grasp the reality that children not only need both parents.  In most cases, children want both parents and want them in their lives as much as possible. PEW, in all of her diabolical wisdom, believes it’s appropriate to force children to choose between parents.

I truly believe that she has never considered the unbelievable stress and pressure that this puts on young children. Worse, she lobbies the children to choose her. If doubt is evident in their words or body language, she’ll turn to mind-poison. She’s been doing and saying and threatening and trying these things almost from the moment we split.

Some examples…

March 23, 2008

LM,

I am so tired of the bs that has been going on….now they tell me that you said they can’t bring their wrestlers over there??? what the frig are they supposed to do? they’re not allowed to watch tv….no video games…no fun….they have no toys….your girl is mean to them….answer me for God’s sake…do you want to be in court again? because that is what is going to happen soon and this time I am going to INSIST that Judge Contempt talk to these children.

August 12, 2008

LM,

I will say this one more time and for the last time….You will NEVER EVER EVER have primary custody of our children as long as I am still breathing. NEVER, NEVER Ever EVER. In fact, when they are old enough, I plan on taking them to court so that they can finally SPEAK for THEMSELVES.

August 10, 2009

LM,

That’s ok though because I am and always will be #1 with the kids….and as soon as [my attorney] tells me they are old enough to tell Judge Contempt how much they hate going to you (which they do) we are going back and they will be with me full time again. See you soon.

These types of threats are inappropriate (we’re going to ignore the false allegations we usually cover ad nauseum).  This is just a tip of the iceberg.  Lobbying the children to choose is about as bad as it gets for a parent who seeks nothing more than to separate the children from their father for no other reason except that they are the only tool she has left to use as a weapon.

The bottom line is that these children love both of their parents, as most children do.  After everything they’ve been through as well as everything everyone else has been through, continually threatening to sue for custody, putting the children through unnecessary stress, and of course, rekindling that fear that they are going to be forced to have to “choose” which parent (not) to spend time with… is just going to result in more awful, expensive experiences for everyone.  This is what unhappy divorced parents do when the only person they think about is the one that stares back at them so unhappily in the mirror.

And there is nothing anyone can do to stop this type of madness, particularly when it’s perpetrated by a mother.  Hearing after hearing after hearing after hearing and everybody loses except the people who make money being involved in such disasters.

Don’t engage in this type of behavior.  It’s just plain bad for everyone, no matter the outcome.