The Psycho Ex Wife

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It’s hard for me to convey just how exasperating it is when something that should be so simple can be blown up for the most specious of reasons.  It’s hard for me to justify on behalf of the court why things cannot simply be kept simple.

Here’s a summary of what should have happened and what actually did happen.

The Facts as We Know Them:

PEW and I now make fairly close to the same income.  The disparity is so slight that the income “equalizes” at approximately $130.00, which is how much money I have to pay in order for both households to have the same income, which is what sometimes happens when the custody arrangement is 50/50.  Due to this reality, the burden for all of the other necessary expenses (childcare and healthcare) are shared equally.

There is no disputing this.

Regarding childcare for the school year, now that I have an actual total for the actual costs for the school year from the provider, we are in agreement that the figure is what I presented to the court.

There is no disputing this.

Regarding health insurance for the children, we disagree on which health insurance should cover the children.  However, we are in agreement as to the costs associated with the state’s health insurance plan and my employment health insurance plan.  I know that the plan offered by the job is far superior to the plan offered by the state, not that the state plan isn’t wonderful when you have no other opportunities to obtain insurance at reasonable cost.

While we disagree on the cost/benefit associated with each plan, there is no disputing the costs for one or the other.

That’s all that needs to be considered.  Armed with this information, here are what should have been the possible outcomes:

OPTION 1: This was what I intended to request of the court for reasons that will be summarized after…

1. $130.00 dollars flows from me to PEW due to the income difference.
2. I am given responsibility for paying the childcare provider.  Half of the cost flows from PEW to me.
3. I cover the children with my excellent work plan.  Half of the cost flows from PEW to me.

With Item 1, there is no issue.  With item 2, the issue is that she has been in arrears for fully 2 years, sometimes quite substantially - we’re talking many months behind.  I believe I can keep current with the provider and eliminate any risks that childcare will no longer be offered because PEW won’t pay.  With Item 3, it’s a simple dispute.  My plan offers superior coverage, but comes at a cost that is approximately $200/month more than the state plan.  The end result is that PEW would pay me some form of “child support” in the form of her half of the costs of the childcare and health insurance less the amount above for the difference in income.  For the sake of round figures, that amount would be approximately $125/month.

Pretty sound reasoning.  If the court disagreed with my reasoning, then…

OPTION 2:

(more…)

In Part 3 of the Thanksgiving-Christmas headache, S2 had taken ill. This would lead to a bunch of tangential arguments and debates that were not uncommon from PEW.  Let’s conclude, shall we?

At the end of part 3, she brings up a reimbursement for dental expenses that she made into a complete disaster by not using the correct insurance cards I had given her. Then, she couldn’t get the claim situation straightened out. From there, she would badger me incessantly for the money back, too impatient to wait for me to get the reimbursement back and forward it to her. Entitlement. She screws up and I’m supposed to pay her back for her mistake immediately.

PEW,

I would love to be able to reimburse you, but unfortunately I am in no position to do that at this point. Worse… is I just called the insurance company and they have no record of receiving a claim form from you. They are emailing me one, but I imagine that I would need for you to send me all of the associated information. They said that the turnaround time on a faxed claim form is 7 business days. They won’t send it directly to you, they will send it to me, I can sign it and send it along to you. That’s the best I can do. OR… if you have a copy of the completed claim-form, the fax hotline is [fax number]. The could save at least a day.

~LM

Sounds like a good deal, right?

LM,

As far as the dentist, you are responsible for that $255.00. That’s ok though LM, anything to stick it to me. I’ll get it from you when we go to court…..that and my lost wages. I will fax the receipts tomorrow.

And No, the [Rocky's] cannot babysit for S2. I was looking for a family member.

~PEW

Oy-vey. That last comment was based on a suggestion to help her out of a jam she was in. She wanted the help but wanted to dictate who could do the covering for her. Unfortunately, my only available option was friends who didn’t believe her bullshit for one second and so they were painted black. (Many were in the aftermath of the split.)

I’m guessing she didn’t like that reply about the dentist, because what she did next without my knowledge completely defied explanation. In part 3, you’ll recall she described what the doctor said as “walking bronchitis” which she turned into pneumonia because the doctor wanted to spare her feelings. You know, because doctors do that. They tell you that a serious illness is something lesser so that the parent isn’t upset.

S2 was doing fine. The medication was working and he was well on his way back to health. Two days before Thanksgiving, she calls my oldest brother, the Thanksgiving dinner host, out of the blue and tells him that S2 has pneumonia. He immediately calls me with worry, not only for S2, but for every other guest that will be there, not the least of which is his daughter, my then 2-years old niece. His concern is legitimate based upon the information he was given. The unfortunate part was that the information he was given was totally exaggerated and he was wondering if I should be bringing an allegedly very ill child to Thanksgiving and putting everyone else at risk. I had to reassure him that everything was just fine and there was no reason for us to stay home.

Now, I can only think of one reason why PEW would pull such a stunt. That reason is to prevent us from spending Thanksgiving Day with our family. There was no other reason for her to make that call. No one in my family had heard from PEW in a long time at that point and they didn’t want to hear from her. But PEWs have a knack for rolling the grenade into the room and running.

When I find out, I’m understandably pissed.

(more…)

In Part 2 of the 2005 Christmas and Thanksgiving mess, things started to spiral out of control.  In today’s segment, the fallout will see a “double-reverse” and, as usual, we’ll make due with what we managed to obtain.

PEW,

I’m not “bargaining” with you, either. This is a simple matter of finding out if I can follow through with already arranged Thanksgiving plans without you using the children as pawns to prevent me from picking up S2.

Since you still cannot do that, I say again, I am left with no choice. I will no longer continue to knuckle-under under your threats. Sorry if that “breaks S1’s heart” - but I will explain to him that unfortunately, you and I were not able to work out the schedule.

Since I cannot plan for Thanksgiving holiday time nor Christmas week time, I will simply follow through on my usual weekend time because that’s the way you want it. That’s what’s really sad - your desire to be a ‘hard-ass’ again is what is ultimately breaking S1’s heart.

~LM

Of course I will continue to avoid bad-mouthing PEW to the children at all costs. It’s not good for them and it’s not good for me. Anytime any truths need to be shared, they should be shared carefully and in an age-appropriate way - a word of advice all normal parents should follow, even in situations such as these.

LM,

Why can’t you just come up here, stay and take him to the party? Or you leave them both here for the weekend and keep your Thanksgiving plans the way they were?? This is insane.

~PEW

Well, she got one thing right. It was certainly insane. One thing she never got through her thick head is her belief that I could just impose on other friends or family members to house me and the children whenever I asked. These are people with lives, children of their own (some very new additions), and plans of their own that weren’t going to be simply dropped whenever I wanted them to host me and the children for several days.

PEW,

1) Because I can’t afford a hotel room for the weekend.

2) Because you won’t keep a story straight on either my Thanksgiving weekend plans or what I have in mind for Christmas (either the morning of the 26th thru the 3rd or the morning of the 26th thru the 30th).

If you can commit to making sure I can keep my plans for Thanksgiving and let me spend Christmas week with them, I won’t risk losing any time with them.

It’s only “insane” because you’ve said “no” to both Thanksgiving and Christmas. And since I can’t count on you not to “revoke” your agreements once plans are set, I’d just as soon keep the schedule the way it is.

If something should change on the “housing front” for the forthcoming weekend, I would do it. If it doesn’t, I can’t. But you need to stop this “yes” and then “no” BS so that we can BOTH plan accordingly.

~LM

I couldn’t make it anymore clear. I also couldn’t understand that it wasn’t possible to make it clear because clarity isn’t a PEW strong suit. It’s always all about the engagement and nothing more.

In her next follow-up, she’d write, “You mean to tell me you can’t stay with…” …and she made a list of family and friends that I should be able to stay with, over the holidays, simply because I asked. Maybe this is also part of the borderline’s lofty sense of entitlement. Perhaps in her mind, no one else’s family plans during the holidays should take a back seat to her expectations of them.

(more…)

It would seem as though you could feel the discussions detailed in 2005 Thanksgiving & Christmas Planning Debacle, Part 1 were right on the edge of slipping away.  When you consider that mixed amongst these emails were those from the Maternal Gatekeeping post and those which follow here.  These other issues would serve as the excuse the psycho ex-wife would need to pull her mind-changing games with regard to the custody agreements, or should I say deviations this time, as she had before and as she has many times since.

The last emails on the holidays ended on 11/1/2005 but would continue a little over a week later.  The mess that comprised the maternal gatekeeping post occurred on 11/8/2005.  On 11/11/2005, I’d get the first email in a series that would make everything escalate as they normally do around the holidays. It’s also another one of those “common themes” we seem to encounter as I recount my stories here at thepsychoexwife.com. When the child has something that is of the ultimate importance that is scheduled to take place on your parenting time. In this case - someone’s birthday party.

LM,

S1 got the invitation in the mail. The party is 11/19 a Sat. He asked if he could go, I said you’re with Dad that weekend. He started to cry, I said I would talk to you and the rest he came up with himself. Feel free to write “another” letter to [evaluator3]. I’m sure she’s already figured you out…..it’s not that hard to do.

~PEW

I don’t recall one thing about what preceded this. My guess is a phone call where S1 expressed anger and disappointment and likely begged me to go to this party. Less than 1 hour later…

LM,

If you are coming up here for Thanksgiving weekend, why can’t we just trade weekends so S1 can go to this party? He’s so upset about this. Do the right thing. These things are important too. You’ll still get your time with them, in fact you’ll have an extended weekend.

This is not my fault. The kid got an invitation to a party. I need to know what you are going to do so I can RSVP.

~PEW

I can tell you I was very reluctant. Of course, the “right thing” is always what she wants to happen.  Always. This is what I refer to as a “floodgates” moment. If you let this birthday party thing happen one time, you can bet your ass that the expectation on the part of BOTH the PEW and the child is going to be that you’re expected to sacrifice your limited time with the children every single time they get invited to something. I would make exceptions for things I thought were particularly important to the boys from time-to-time. Birthday parties are one of those things which happen with enough frequency that an every-other-weekend parent can’t lose control of the situation and be railroaded into allowing it every time. I expressed my wishes while coming up with a reasonable suggestion (to a normal person it would have been reasonable).

PEW,

Let’s try to keep it simple… from my perspective, there will always be time for S1 to go to parties. So what I would like to do to head future situations like this off at the pass - in the future, S1 needs to be told “no” because there will be other parties and spending time with dad is more important. I say this simply to avoid any future confusion or problems. This way, you don’t have to tell S1 to ask me and I don’t have to worry about being put on the spot without you and I having had the opportunity to talk first. This takes care of that.

So, this time, I will acquiesce and leave S1 home so that he can go to his party. However, I will be up to pick up S2. If there is any chance you could meet in [halfway exchange point] on Friday evening, that would be super.

~LM

I put it out how these situations will be handled in the future while green-lighting S1 going to the party this time. I’ll just spend one-on-one time with S2 for the weekend and we’ll have a blast.

LM,

No I will not tell him “no”, I will leave that to you. I’ve talked to many people who have been divorced and in this very situation and their ex-spouses “worked with them” to do what is best for the children. Trading weekends here and there should not be an imposition, as you are making it. It just so happens too that S2 was invited to a party and it was “your” weekend, except I didn’t see the invitation until after the party had taken place. We also missed S1’s school hayride, because it was your weekend. Flexibillity is the key word here LM.

As far as meeting you in [exchange point] why would I do that? I have some news for you….my car is leased and I will not be putting 400 miles on it every other weekend only to me screwed at the end of the lease because you moved to [home state]. Also do you realize that it costs $40 everytime I drive out there and that’s not included in the child support that you are trying to have reduced at this time. So what are your plans for Thanksgiving? Just having them for the day? That’s my weekend actually.

As for Christmas, I realized that is my weekend. My mom has off the whole week so she’s available to watch them. You can have them on your regularly scheduled weekend, which is New Years.

Flexibility LM….

Thanks,
PEW

This is the mind of the PEW. During the school year, I get every other weekend with the boys at the time. In her distorted brain, I should be upset that the children miss an occasional birthday party and, oh my GOSH! S1 missed a school hayride! What a horrible parent I am. You know, because the children do nothing when they’re with us and we have no plans ever and all I do is plunk them down and ignore them the entire time. Well, that’s what she has fabricated in her twisted head, anyway. Those things are way more important than time with their father. Oh, and with the move-whine again…

BUT - she makes no bones about her position. Bow to my will or I will interfere with opportunities for you to spend time with the children, despite all of the pissing and moaning I do about you ‘being there for the children’ and ’spending time being their father’ and ‘helping her out with the parenting duties’ and ‘I never get a fucking break’ and all that. Is there any question about why the name psycho is perfect for describing how she operates?

So, I say YES HE CAN GO and I will only pick up S2, and that’s just not fucking good enough for the queen of mean.

She sends another…

(more…)

Ah yes, the perpetual state of alleged confusion over holiday custody agreements.  Even as recently as Thanksgiving 2009, I spoke of how it’s the same Groundhog Day situation year after year after year since we’ve split.  The dreaded email asking what the situation regarding custody will be is almost verbatim - EVERY year.  The holiday season of 2005 is the last one that needs to be covered to be caught up, at least in terms of what the holidays typically offer.  You can see the commonality around the holiday custody agreements by simply clicking on the appropriate category on the right side of the blog.

I have written several times how 2005 was probably the toughest of all years and the wreckage from that year is strewn across the blog.  For all intents and purposes, the next few posts should really wrap up the year.

It starts on 10/28/2005:

LM,

I’m wondering how we are going to work out Christmas. You were supposed to have them Christmas eve to Christmas day at noon. We’re you coming up to stay up here?

I can’t remember who’s year it is for Thanksgiving, do you?

I’m trying to get a handle on this before we run into any problems. It’s always better to work out the details ahead of time so we know what to expect.

~PEW

It seems reasonable enough but is ludicrous on so many fronts. All the marital home BS is behind us, I’ve relocated, we’ve been battling anew, but we’ve got custody agreements or orders in place. Fairly fresh. It’s the first holiday season since having custody agreements in place. Given what I gave up and me being in a position of significant weakness, one might think that she would be ready to bring the hammer down regarding the specific language of the custody agreements. No. The contact with me is more important, particularly if she can keep her string of holiday destruction intact.

PEW,

I’m Thanksgiving this year… and still have to work out the logistics for it. I’m not sure if I’ll be coming up the night before or the morning of, in either case, it probably makes the most sense to pick up the boys on TGiving Day. That weekend isn’t my scheduled weekend, but I was considering taking them down [to visit my mother] and perhaps returning them Saturday around noon if you were okay with that and if my mom was okay with it. If not, I can simply return them late on TGiving night.

Christmas is yours this year, but I would like to know if the boys have Christmas week off and if I could take them for the week… New Year’s weekend is my scheduled weekend with them, I don’t know how you would want to work that other than keeping it normal or if you would have some desire to have them for New Year’s weekend if I had them for the week.

~LM

So far, straightforward. The custody agreements language in the first go’round was fairly vague, no times specified for stuff, nothing one way or the other regarding flexibility or my getting (by default) any extra time that the boys had off from school. So, it was really the first time that I would even consider making adjustments to the schedule and similar stupidity.

LM,

For thanksgiving, that would be ok if you return them on Saturday afternoon 11/26

As far as Christmas goes, are you saying you would be willing to let me keep them Christmas Eve and then you would have them for the week starting the 26th? The only thing with that is that they’ll be leaving all their new toys and stuff the day after Christmas.

Let me know, the sooner the better so I’m not hanging in the balance.

~PEW

Cool! Cooperation! However, you can see the language and feel the tension beginning to build, particularly with the last sentence.

PEW,

Well, it’s basically your call. Christmas 2005 is yours and is defined as “Christmas Eve until noon Christmas Day.” If they have off for Christmas break that week, I was going to suggest picking them up sometime shortly after lunch on Christmas Day and returning them on Friday to avoid being on the road with them New Year’s weekend.

~LM

I’m still trying to keep this from escalating. I’m deferring to her, trying to work things out in a way that maximizes the available time while minimizing the upset. It won’t work, of course, but I very often needed to repeatedly learn lessons the hard way where PEW is concerned.

LM,

You didn’t answer my question about picking them up on the 26th or even the 27th? I’m off on the 26th. My mom is home all week that week, so the fact that they don’t have school isn’t a problem for me. Let me know.

~PEW

…followed soon thereafter by…

LM,

Can you pick them up the day after Christmas?

~PEW

Tough spot here. I’m looking for more time and it looks like it is going to cost me having the boys for dinner with the family if I choose to do it.  Frankly, I don’t care if her mom is home, I can take them and I want to.

In any event, this series of emails was followed shortly by the events which resulted in the maternal gatekeeping post.  Also thrown into the mix and what will be covered in 2005 Thanksgiving & Christmas Planning Debacle, Part 2 - was the excuse she needed to up-end what we had been discussing for the forthcoming holidays.  Just stick to custody agreements if you know what’s good for you.