The Psycho Ex Wife

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Finally.  Continuing from the last update earlier this week…

On the 5th, I had a frustrating consultation with my attorney.  It’s tough to walk the fine line between being diplomatically firm and getting into an argument over trivial matters.  Details aren’t necessary, but after 4-hours I was frustrated because, despite my best efforts to move past what I’m pretty confident were impertinent matters so as not to waste time and my money, there was too much wasted time.  At least 90-minutes.  That’s a lot of money we don’t have to waste on trivial matters.

Just over 5 months after proceedings were initiated, several fruitless conferences, several mistakes, a few continuances, the occasional crazy email and bizarre offers - the hearing for the CS modification happens.

After all of the petitions, counter-petitions, withdrawel and re-entry of petitions, multiple conflicting calculations from “Support Masters” who appear to not have mastered either the state statutes nor a calculator, our position (reviewed too many times) was that the order from 2007 should be terminated due to a significant change in circumstances as of June 29th.  From that point forward (or until I get a freakin’ job) - the psycho ex-wife is allegedly required to pay me approximately $480/month in child support says my attorney: “according to the state’s guidelines.” However, that doesn’t mean that the other side cannot argue that measures including the imputation of income (”earning capacity”), which would be wholly inappropriate at this time “according to the state’s guidelines.”

The bottom line?  I’m just back from the debacle, and I have to pay PEW child support due to my “earnings capacity” for the year.  What is my earnings capacity you say?  Well, the judge has the “discretion” to average all of my earnings for the year.  The unused vacation back to the beginning of the year + the 10-weeks severance + what I will get from unemployment through the end of the year and claim that is what my “salary” is for 2009.  After D-Mac came back from conferencing with the judge, she informed me that the judge was definitely going to average all that income for the year, but based upon a variety of extenuating factors, he was unsure as to which option he was going to take.  There were 4 which took into and out-of account… the alleged rent Pscyho-SIL was paying… summer camp… half/whole, etc… and the range saw a possible decrease from $400 to $368 up to a possible increase from $400 to $587.  D-Mac’s advice given what the judge’s intentions were… just keep the current order in place at $400/month.  Getting $0 was a long-shot.  PEW paying child support “wasn’t going to happen today.”

This is what is so maddening about the system.  “Judicial discretion.” So, in the judge’s estimation, averaging the income made the most sense despite the fact that it is not what my current income is.  So I, at approximately $29K gross/annualized unemployment, am paying child support to PEW who makes something near $48,000 gross/annualized.

So much for the “best interests of the children.” We have 50/50 custody.  She is currently making more money than me.  I’m having a dreadful time finding work.  And taking $400/month income from me does nothing to help the children when they are with me.  It hurts them.  It hurts everyone.  Well, except the psycho ex-wife.

Keep in mind, much of this is my fault, with the ill-timed filings (not knowing what the ultimate outcome of the whole severance issue was going to be).  So, after about $4,000 in legal fees… nothing has changed except that our household will be $400/month lighter, she will have $400/month continued tax-free income out of my unemployment compensation, and I’m really going to have to keep plugging away and praying that I can find ANY job (that pays more than unemployment) sooner rather than later.

Rather than spend another 4-hours in legal fees and going through arduous testimony, I took D-Mac’s advice and the hearing was averted… again.  It just didn’t make any sense to incur additional expenses knowing that the outcome was a foregone conclusion and may have resulted in an increase.

I took some private time in a back room to let go of some emotion and then re-grouped so that I could leave the building and head home to a tremendously deflated DW.

This is why the system is so completely fucked up.  Mine is one of thousands of stories that is taking place every single day across this country and abroad.  The system will spare no effort to make sure that the father has to pay the mother no matter the serious and unexpected financial circumstances.  While I’m not sure what efforts D-Mac may or may not have made in terms of explaining to the judge that if I’m made to pay child support right now, I could lose the apartment, which means losing custody of the children, which would result in another increase in child support, which I wouldn’t be able to pay, which would result in the ever-increasing punitive measures:  loss of license (making job hunting more difficult) and ultimately - jail for failure to pay child support and getting tossed on the heap of unfortunate fathers who get the “deadbeat” label… but it would appear that it wouldn’t have mattered one iota.

PEW is the entitled one. Fuck me.  Fuck DW.  Fuck the kids.  Pay up, dad.

There is your update.  Have a great day.

It’s been a while since the last job loss & child support modification update from June 24, 2009, but barring any unforeseen circumstances, the hearing will finally take place at the end of this week.  This morning I woke up to the following bizarre email in my inbox.  It’s similar to others seen that have been proffered before, but it’s no less annoying.

LM,

I’m trying to touch base because I got the recommendation and it seems like a total waste of time to me to go to a hearing? To be honest, I don’t know how you are affording rent and all the other expenses of staying up here, PLUS the gas and everything? I don’t even think it’s been a good arrangement for the kids to go back and forth between the houses during the school year. I spoke to the kids and they said they would rather stay here during school and see you on weekends. This is not what the judge intended and you know it. I’ve offered this before and I’ll offer again….if you’re going to stay up here, then on your weeks, you and DW stay here and I’ll stay at my parents. There’s no hidden agenda except that the kids have the stability of staying in this house because honestly, now that [Psycho-SIL] is gone, I don’t know if I can keep it. It’s the only constant thing they’ve had. It is seriously time to put all the crap aside…I didn’t do anything to deserve this. I don’t see how it can be a bad thing your you and DW, it’s much nicer than the apartment and I will even clear my stuff out of the bedroom.

~PEW

This is a typical effort by her.  Once she believes she has the upper-hand in a legal situation, she tries her very best to come across as a reasonable person willing to just stop the litigation and “do the right thing.”  I’m not even saying she doesn’t have the upper hand, however, the Support Master’s recommendation isn’t the only way to conclude this matter.  It’s not even the first way.  As long as the right thing is giving up custody, paying her money, and giving-in to her every demand, no matter how unreasonable.

If she were a normal, reasonable, understanding person, I would explain to her a few things:

1. We’re not “affording it.”  Unemployment insurance, while paying me a decent sum, isn’t covering all of the normal expenses for the cottage because I’m still paying child support out of it at a rate that was agreed-upon based upon my employment income.  Because the state is continuing to award YOU money out of my unemployment, it’s been very, very difficult.
2. Of course she doesn’t think it’s a “good arrangement for the kids” because it’s not her arrangement.  If it’s not “what the judge intended” - the judge wouldn’t have ordered it.
3. She is again speaking to the children about legal matters which is in violation of the court order.  I can assure you of this, the children have, on several occasions, volunteered that they are very happy with the week-on/week-off arrangement.  Going back to the very beginning, it’s all that they ever wanted after I was relegated to non-custodial status and they were often upset at how infrequently they were able to be with me.
4. She suggests similar situations depending upon how the circumstances could be changed to benefit her.  Back in 2007 when she was the “NCP” during the summer… she repeatedly said that week-on/week-off would be most beneficial to the children.  Imagine that!  One time, when S1 was being particularly difficult with her, she suggested that she have full custody of S2 and I have custody of S1.  Imagine that!

There is a hidden agenda.  As long as there exists a situation where I will pay her money, that’s the “best situation for the children.”

As for the recommendation from the Support Master’s office, I will say again… the calculation is done based upon imputing income to me.  The dreaded “earning capacity.”  However, my earning capacity is only as good as there are people willing to hire me.  Right now, I can assure you that I have never gone through a period so long where I couldn’t even get so much as a phone call.  Generally, imputing one’s income is only supposed to be done where there is some meaningful evidence that someone is willfully unemployed or underemployed.  So, unless the court believes that I want to lose the cottage, lose our home, lose custody of the children, lose my relationship with DW, SD1, and SS1… ignore my pages-long job search log… etc. - it’s simply inappropriate to be applying imputed income to me at this (or any other) time.  The manufacturing sector is sunk and companies simply aren’t paying top-dollar for middle-managers in this horrendous economy.  In my case, they’re not paying “any-dollar.”

Imputing income is one of what appears to be three available options.

Finally, even if it was a reasonable arrangement, her house is a shithouse.  She fails to mention what she would do with that crazy-assed dog of theirs.  Her hateful neighbors with the crazy, ARMED children who commit violence against ours and damage their home.  Lord only knows what kind of things we would be accused of if things broke, failed, went missing, were out of place, etc.

I’d rather go to jail.  And truth be told, if things don’t go “our way” on Friday… it won’t likely be very long before I go through the very punitive cycle of losing everything… credit, license, jail… because I simply won’t be able to afford any of anything.  This is a very scary predicament when you consider that my unemployment compensation is slated to run out in one month.

Well, the Psycho-SIL will have to testify eventually.  She’ll probably lie through her teeth, but I loaded enough stuff into this one to make sure she has to at least make an effort to substantiate her claims of rent payments to PEW.  Further, I have asked her to provide appropriate documentation to demonstrate that she is moving out when she claims to be (rental agreements, new address, etc.).

The past two subpoena efforts were an unfortunate matter of poor timing, though they would never believe that.  I had her served the day before each “event” because that was the day-of or day-after conferencing with my attorney.  With a new hearing date in August, I figured that they might be expecting that I was doing this “last-minute” thing on purpose, so I advised my server-person to make a point of doing it right away to avoid any 11th-hour dodging on the part of Aunt DUI.  He did just that and it apparently provoked PEW to write me… twice.

LM,

Why are you continually sending subpoenas to my sister? She is moving out July 1st thanks to you!! What exactly are you trying to do? If her banks statements are relavant then so are DW’s bank statements. I hope you are checking with your attorney before you are firing off these subpoenas. All the years you have known Psycho-SIL….has she ever been overflowing with money??? what are you expecting to find? do you seriously think she has paid more than what I’ve shown at the conferences? If anything it’s LESS and I will show that on Aug. 7th. I do not know why you are even messing with the meager child support you currently pay….what is your problem?? you are either really stupid or really CRAZY. You are jeapardizing my job….you are harrassing my sister…..WHY? Get a job.

~PEW

Well, DW’s bank statements won’t be relevant because she doesn’t pay me rent, which is why Aunt DUI’s bank statements are relevant.  Yes, I seriously think that she’s paid more than the approximately $265/month they’re both claiming to have been paying.  Mostly, that is due to at least 2 prior instances where PEW said “$600/month” and part of the reason we came to an agreement prior to the last child support hearing in the Fall of 2007.  As for her “overflowing with money” comment, I submit the entire email from 2005 (Threats from Psycho-SIL), from which comes the following excerpt comes (written to me by Aunt DUI)…

….I finally settled my lawsuit on Monday. Suffice to say that with pain & suffering, after my attorneys fees have been taken out, I won’t have to worry about money for the rest of my life….

So, my answer to PEW would be an unequivocal, “YES, I sure do.” Do I really believe that Aunt DUI is rich beyond her wildest dreams?  No, I don’t, but that’s what she has presented in her email.  Aunt DUI isn’t moving out because of me, she is moving out so as to assist PEW in her hiding the rental income and avoid having it be part of the child support order.  Of course, this time, I will do what is necessary to ensure that she stays out of the house and not move back in once the child support order is set.

Her first email (to which I didn’t respond) was followed by a second one… not an unusual occurrence…

LM,

I haven’t inconvenienced your family and friends AT ALL in the past 5 years….you have caused so many problems for the people close to me. I am calling [my attorney] on monday, my sister is so upset. You’re going to see how embarassing and hurtful it is when you’re loved ones are dragged into a hearing that has NOTHING to do with them. Make sure [your brother] and DW and your landlord etc….are ALL available all day on Aug. 7th ok?? We’re gonna have a big party up at the courthouse.

~PEW

More delusional thinking if she believes that her antics over the course of the last 5-years haven’t inconvenienced my friends and family.  If her sick, substance-abusing sister weren’t such a huge part of the children’s daily lives… if she didn’t live with PEW… if she didn’t periodically inject herself into our proceedings… if it wasn’t RELEVANT… she wouldn’t be receiving subpoenas from me.  My subpoena is rooted in issues that are directly relevant to the matter at hand. If she wants to spend money on subpoenas for people who have no direct relevance to the matter at hand, that’s her problem and unnecessary expense. It wouldn’t be the first time she would incur lots of legal expenses over nothing.

I think that PEW is afraid that she’ll be really exposed (again).  I think Aunt DUI is afraid that she’ll also be exposed (again).

My purposes are quite simple:

• Show the court that PEW is a deliberate liar, income hider, false swearer to the court (again).  This isn’t about the money because the actual “take” I could obtain, even at the $600/month figure, is small.
• Establish a pattern of behavior that dates back to 2005 with Aunt DUI moving out in advance of a child support order… and then moving back in after the order is in place… thereby forcing me to let it go or engage in additional expense to pursue it.
• Get Psycho-SIL out of the house and make it permanent.  And if this exercise doesn’t do it, then I’ll be left with no choice but to move to modify the custody agreement to give me custody of the children or to prohibit Aunt DUI from living with the children, babysitting the children, driving the children anywhere no matter who is in the car… anything.  Her untreated bi-polar disorder combined with her ongoing substance abuse problems make her a clear and present danger to the children (and the rest of the general public).

By the time I had conferenced with my attorney, got to the court building, the two attorneys meet and fail within 1-hour’s time (a record, based upon my instructions to D-Mac), conferencing with my attorney post-conference, and running some legal errands to save some money… I was ready to go to bed.  It was 1:00PM.

Some pre-notes for those of you with comments in the latest “You’ve Been Served” post…

• Aunty DUI failed to appear.  Dunno if there is anything we can do about it, but it will be interesting come hearing time.  So, whoever was on the “no-show” side of that bet - you win!
• I received no email, text, nor call from PEW or even Aunty DUI looking for an “appearance fee.”  If you were on the “contact” side of that bet - you lose!
• Aunty DUI was, of course, bullshitting.  Her car was there when I dropped the boys off at 5:30PM (after I took them to an orthodontist appointment that PEW was supposed to take them to, given only a few hours notice).  Her car was there when I drove by on my way to pick up my receipt-of-service from GSG at 9:30PM.
• You’ll recall back in the Conference/Hearing posts of May, they claimed that Aunty DUI was “moving out on June 1st.”  As predicted, since the hearing and order for support wasn’t addressed, she didn’t move out.  At today’s conference, they claimed that Aunty DUI is “moving out on July 1st.”  How ridiculous.  They really believe that after all these years and doing the “move-out/move-in” to dodge having her rent included in her income (can you say… HIDING INCOME?!?!?!) - that we’re going to allow that to take place a 4th time.  She’ll be out one way or the other, I guarantee you that.

Keeping a long story significantly shorter, because there is only so much detail I’m willing to divulge at this point - my main instruction to D-Mac was, “Please don’t prolong the agony when they call you two attorneys in.  Whether she is represented or not, the instant it becomes clear that they’re not willing to settle, STOP.  They’re not going to settle.” I think that they were in conference for approximately 47-minutes.

D-Mac had a lot to say about Bulldog, much of it the same as when I spoke about her earlier.  She was rude.  She interrupted incessantly.  She constantly referred to D-Mac as “counselor” rather than her first name, which she graciously offered at the outset with a handshake.  D-Mac’s main observation was that she was trying TOO hard to be aggressive and combative as if it were a front.  She added that during the very few times that she wasn’t talking or interrupting, she would be humming annoyingly and fidgeting and surmised that she is fronting insecurity and she’s not really comfortable acting like an asshole (expletive mine, not D-Mac’s, she doesn’t use vulgar language).

Bottom line?  Like the two high-priced attorneys who failed before her, Bulldog is asking for the world (and promising PEW a win) as well as attorneys fees.   Attorneys fees are something PEW has asked for with nearly every single petition since the inception of this mess and she hasn’t gotten 1-penny in any of those instances.  Let’s pray that this isn’t going to be her first time.

D-Mac tried, in good faith, to make a settlement.  Bulldog never had any intention of doing so.  Simply put, we were going to agree to the increase through an appropriate date and then revisit a change at that specified date to see if the child support order needed to be changed… with PEW paying me or, if I manage to find employment between now and then, at an appropriate level according to guidelines.

Bulldog refused.  End of discussion.

So now, with nothing to lose, we have three options/outcomes.

1. Best scenario.
2. Okay, but appropriate scenario.
3. Suckiest of the three scenarios.

For what I hope are obvious reason, I cannot discuss them in detail.  Suffices to say, “BEST” is minimal exposure.  “OKAY” is fair exposure for all parties.  “SUCK” is if the court decides to screw you over and benefit mommy to the maximum allowable “discretionary” extent.

The hearing is scheduled for August 7th, 2009.  See how painfully slow the process is for a person needing a downward modification for child support in an unexpected job loss situation?  And costly?

• I cost myself (potentially) dearly by filing for the modification immediately.  I should have simply waited until the severance/vacation had been exhausted (in terms of calendar)… 13-weeks later.
• The hard lesson learned?  Next time, I pay D-Mac for a consultation and advice, a mistake I simply shouldn’t have made.  A few hundred dollars in consultation back in March would have saved our household potentially a few thousand.  Now, between legal fees and possible exposure, this mess will cost us no less than $5,000 because my choice to do the “right thing” was not really the right thing.  $5,000 that I don’t have and our household desperately needs.
• I will be asking for reimbursement of legal fees and am unlikely to get it.  Grounds?  We made a good faith effort to settle the matter today and Bulldog chose to litigate.  We ran the 3 conceivable scenarios, 2 of which substantially benefit the PEW.  We offered one of those scenarios.  They said no.

DW always refers to just how stupid the PEW and her family are.  She’s finally gotten around to stopping herself from saying “…and you married her!” Of course, I still hear that, but we’re well over that.

Let’s take a look at a few stupid things:

1. Dodging the rental income.  PEW is stupid.  In an effort to dodge reporting that income for the CS calculation, she is willing to sacrifice $600/month to save what will amount to an impact of approximately $25.  Not the brightest bulb in the box.
2. In doing #1, she is subjecting herself (however hard as it may seem to believe) to potential sanctions, not only from this court, but from the IRS.  If she claims that Psycho-SIL has moved out (again) and she moves back in, I will immediately file a contempt-of-court motion.  Not the brightest bulb in the box.
3. Assuming it’s costing her at least as much as me to pursue litigation and knowing what my worst-case exposure number is, she will pay somewhere north of $5,000 and will obtain about what we offered (the REAL number, not a lesser number, this is a guideline figure) of about $2,000.  Net gain:  -$3,000.  That’s NEGATIVE $3,000.  Not the brightest bulb in the box.

But, if you’ve read the painstaking detail I’ve provided, you already know that this is the same modus operandi she has used in nearly every single financial issue that has come up in our battle.  She has consistently spent more in legal fees than she has received in reward and she is doing it again.  She’s fucking insane.

One final exchange between D-Mac and I:

D-Mac: Bulldog has obviously bought every single story that PEW has told her.  That much is clear.

Mister-M: I know.  Like the two attorneys who failed to come through for her and then realized what a monster she was before quitting or being fired.

D-Mac: Very true.  And sad.

Mister-M: And costly.

D-Mac: Yes.

Mister-M: Well, at least with attorney2, I won’t forget that knowing glance and nod he gave to me before exiting the courtroom that last day we saw him on the custody matter.  He knew he got sandbagged by  her lies.

D-Mac: OH, YES!  I saw that!  I remember that.

Mister-M: Good, it helps me to know I wasn’t hallucinating after his efforts to question me.

Small consolation.

I just discovered that the money machine that is our family court system is operating at peak money-taking efficiency.  It was my mistake as I read the court order, which indicated that the matter was “generally continued and consolidated with the matter scheduled for conference on 6/24/2009.”  I interpreted that to mean that the hearing was continued until that date and the usual and customary post-conference hearing would take place when we couldn’t come to an agreement.  Tomorrow’s event is NOT a hearing, it is just a conference.  Who knows, maybe we’ll get the whole thing settled tomorrow and avoid a hearing altogether, right?  Anyone daring to hold their breath?

Separately, I had Psycho-SIL served to appear tomorrow.  Fortunately, it wasn’t wasted as a person can be subpoenaed to come for a child-support conference.  When the provider I use called me to confirm that he was successful, this is what he told me…

Gloating Server Guy: Mister-M, I just wanted to let you know that I served Aunt DUI and you can come pick up your receipt.

Mister-M: Great, thank you!

GSG: Yeah, when I drove up, she was sitting there on the porch smoking a cigarette.  I got out of my car and approached her and asked, “Excuse me, Psycho-SIL?”  She looked startled and without any provocation blurted out, “UHHHH, I DON’T LIVE HERE!  I’M JUST HERE TO LET OUT THE DOG!”

Mister-M: (laughs)

GSG: I told her that I don’t care why you’re here, this is a subpoena to attend and testify.  You’re served.  She asked me, “Oh?  When is it?”  I told her, “Tomorrow” and left to get in my car.  She said, “Oh, SHIT, you’re kidding me?!?!?!”  And I said, “No, ma’am.  Have a good evening.”

So, I told him when I would come pick up the receipt and it ended our conversation.  I hung up thinking to myself… do you know when you can just tell that a person takes particular pleasure at being the bearer of potentially bad news?  Gloating Server Guy sounded just like that as he described the encounter.