The Psycho Ex Wife

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It’s hard for me to convey just how exasperating it is when something that should be so simple can be blown up for the most specious of reasons.  It’s hard for me to justify on behalf of the court why things cannot simply be kept simple.

Here’s a summary of what should have happened and what actually did happen.

The Facts as We Know Them:

PEW and I now make fairly close to the same income.  The disparity is so slight that the income “equalizes” at approximately $130.00, which is how much money I have to pay in order for both households to have the same income, which is what sometimes happens when the custody arrangement is 50/50.  Due to this reality, the burden for all of the other necessary expenses (childcare and healthcare) are shared equally.

There is no disputing this.

Regarding childcare for the school year, now that I have an actual total for the actual costs for the school year from the provider, we are in agreement that the figure is what I presented to the court.

There is no disputing this.

Regarding health insurance for the children, we disagree on which health insurance should cover the children.  However, we are in agreement as to the costs associated with the state’s health insurance plan and my employment health insurance plan.  I know that the plan offered by the job is far superior to the plan offered by the state, not that the state plan isn’t wonderful when you have no other opportunities to obtain insurance at reasonable cost.

While we disagree on the cost/benefit associated with each plan, there is no disputing the costs for one or the other.

That’s all that needs to be considered.  Armed with this information, here are what should have been the possible outcomes:

OPTION 1: This was what I intended to request of the court for reasons that will be summarized after…

1. $130.00 dollars flows from me to PEW due to the income difference.
2. I am given responsibility for paying the childcare provider.  Half of the cost flows from PEW to me.
3. I cover the children with my excellent work plan.  Half of the cost flows from PEW to me.

With Item 1, there is no issue.  With item 2, the issue is that she has been in arrears for fully 2 years, sometimes quite substantially - we’re talking many months behind.  I believe I can keep current with the provider and eliminate any risks that childcare will no longer be offered because PEW won’t pay.  With Item 3, it’s a simple dispute.  My plan offers superior coverage, but comes at a cost that is approximately $200/month more than the state plan.  The end result is that PEW would pay me some form of “child support” in the form of her half of the costs of the childcare and health insurance less the amount above for the difference in income.  For the sake of round figures, that amount would be approximately $125/month.

Pretty sound reasoning.  If the court disagreed with my reasoning, then…

OPTION 2:

(more…)

Child support modifications.

Whether you have to pay more or pay less, few things are as frustrating as the dog-and-pony show that is going through a child support modification with a psycho ex.  My psycho ex-wife is no different.  When you’re high-conflict and your psycho ex-wife is money-focused and can’t function without it, not that they could really financially function all that well with it, the child support modification becomes a long, drawn-out process.  I really believe the courts should have a streamlined option.  The streamlined option would be one where they show which party wanted to go to hearing how many times and just skip straight to the hearing.  Stop with the “child support conferences” which only prolong the agony.  We know we’re going to a hearing.

Our last update on this issue came way back in August of 2009: Job Loss/Child Support Update 8/7/09 - Hearing Loss. While it was more a hearing “concede” than it was a loss, I was spending $2,000 either way… testifying or in the child support, assuming I could find a job sooner rather than later. To this day, there is no question in my mind that “averaging” my income is a misapplication of the statute regarding imputed income. However, judges and their boundless “discretion” really can do whatever they want. I simply wasn’t going to participate in a hearing in order to give me an appeal opportunity that I couldn’t afford to see through.  That’s why so many of these child support modifications are wars of financial attrition.  The cost-benefit associated with fighting for what is truly right - fails.  Last year, too much money I didn’t have was spent to have the end result be - keep paying the same.  Of course, this was my fault as I didn’t handle the situation properly, but that’s water under the bridge.

A chance meeting at an internet cafe yielded me an exciting new job with wonderful new people and opportunities.  This job takes advantage of long dormant skills and has me working on projects that are not only interesting to cover, but fun to cover, too.  Though it came with a downgrade in income compared to the arrangement I had at the previous job, in this economy one doesn’t refuse a job when offered.  I’m more excited for this job opportunity than I’ve been about any other in my adult life.  Of course, this means an adjustment to child support.  It should mean a downward modification based upon the state guidelines, but that, as always, remains to be seen.

So, job started January 4th.  I filed for the modification on January 4th.  The child support modification “conference” was scheduled for January 29th.  Situations like this is akin to watching the movie Titanic over and over and over again.  You know the ship is going to strike the iceberg and most on board will die - but there isn’t anything you’re going to do to stop it from happening again.

I found out before the holiday and shared the news with the children who, in turn, let PEW know.  This prompted an email:

(more…)

Well, it’s obviously no secret that I wasn’t thrilled about the report and recommendations.  In terms of the parenting aspects and relationship I have with the children - I was quite happy.  However, after everything that was discussed about with both PEW and me, everything that was supposed to be in the report but wasn’t, and everything that was in the report - how could I be anything but thoroughly disappointed overall?

• Part I
• Part II
• Part III

One of the biggest issues I had was the glaring omission from the report of Psycho-SIL residing with PEW and the children.  The report didn’t reflect the significant level of concern Gloria expressed in the sessions with her.  I don’t overstate it when I say that she was adamant that it was going to end up being a problem and insisted openly that PEW’s lying about the living arrangements would be part of the report.  It didn’t happen as I detailed in Part 1.

Things really get exasperating in Part II where the overall impressions and observations are documented.

Gloria, about PEW:

She feels alone in parenting the children and overwhelmed when either of the children exhibit any aggression. Her parenting effectiveness has therefore been diminished since the loss of the co-parenting arrangement that the parties enjoyed throughout their marriage, and their separation, prior to LM’s move.

Interesting.  And completely false. PEW’s style of parenting was quite different from mine. She didn’t like being the bad guy. She didn’t like being a disciplinarian. She didn’t like doing anything that involved something other than being fun and friends with the children even at the youngest ages.

From my preparation for the hearing:

Gloria’s report contends that PEW’s issues with controlling the boy’s outbursts are due to the loss of co-parenting that was in place when LM lived in [custody-state]. LM would contend that PEW has always had issues when alone with the boys, even when they were married and living together, as evidenced by the instant messages previously attached in this section. LM has consistently tried to help PEW be more consistent with the boys, but he would be no more successful in this endeavor if he lived next door than if he lived across the country, as it is up to PEW to change her behavior.

Gloria’s contention that the “void” LM’s absence creates has been caused by his move is simply unrealistic. His absence was caused by the divorce and PEW’s wish to maintain primary physical custody. This same absence would exist even if he lived in [custody state] and PEW maintained primary physical custody. He simply can’t be there all the time if he is to move on with his own life. If PEW needed him there all the time she should have and could have considered working harder on her own issues and the marital issues and not filed for divorce. It is unfortunate that PEW can’t handle the responsibility of her two children on her own, but these are the realities of being a single parent. These are the same realities LM faces when parenting the boys on his own, and yet he has been able to handle them, both in the year before the move and since.

This line of thinking has always frustrated the ever-loving shit out of me.  I have a tendency to be all about root-cause and effect.  To this day, I can find no one who can attribute anything that has occurred in the aftermath of the separation and divorce - to the fucking separation and divorce!!! I’m not convinced that you, the reader, can understand just how exasperating that is.  Not only PEW, but others, in this case Gloria, lay the blame at my feet despite the documented struggles PEW had with parenting on her own, even when we were married!  Further, the situation is not caused by my relocation.  The situation is caused by PEW filing for divorce, leaving the marital home, and fighting tooth-and-nail for sole/primary custody of the children!  That’s the reality!!!  So, why does everyone have such hard time acknowledging the true root-cause of the situation?

I know!  Because it would mean putting the blame and/or responsibility on the mother!

Here’s the reality - if I have 6 days per month with the children in Russia or I have 6 days per month with the children across town - WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE?!?!?!  To normal people - there is none, so my relocation has absolutely NO bearing on PEW’s inability to parent.  PEW is totally responsible for that, but you won’t find it in the report.  More bothersome - is that Gloria’s language actually validates PEW’s thoughts - that my relocation is the root of everything bad that has happened… since the relocation.

We didn’t “enjoy” any co-parenting arrangement post-separation, and it was strained during the marriage.  It was clear in the sessions.  It was supported by ample documentation and even PEW’s own words, but you won’t find that in the report.

Gloria, about LM: (more…)

Finally.  Continuing from the last update earlier this week…

On the 5th, I had a frustrating consultation with my attorney.  It’s tough to walk the fine line between being diplomatically firm and getting into an argument over trivial matters.  Details aren’t necessary, but after 4-hours I was frustrated because, despite my best efforts to move past what I’m pretty confident were impertinent matters so as not to waste time and my money, there was too much wasted time.  At least 90-minutes.  That’s a lot of money we don’t have to waste on trivial matters.

Just over 5 months after proceedings were initiated, several fruitless conferences, several mistakes, a few continuances, the occasional crazy email and bizarre offers - the hearing for the CS modification happens.

After all of the petitions, counter-petitions, withdrawel and re-entry of petitions, multiple conflicting calculations from “Support Masters” who appear to not have mastered either the state statutes nor a calculator, our position (reviewed too many times) was that the order from 2007 should be terminated due to a significant change in circumstances as of June 29th.  From that point forward (or until I get a freakin’ job) - the psycho ex-wife is allegedly required to pay me approximately $480/month in child support says my attorney: “according to the state’s guidelines.” However, that doesn’t mean that the other side cannot argue that measures including the imputation of income (”earning capacity”), which would be wholly inappropriate at this time “according to the state’s guidelines.”

The bottom line?  I’m just back from the debacle, and I have to pay PEW child support due to my “earnings capacity” for the year.  What is my earnings capacity you say?  Well, the judge has the “discretion” to average all of my earnings for the year.  The unused vacation back to the beginning of the year + the 10-weeks severance + what I will get from unemployment through the end of the year and claim that is what my “salary” is for 2009.  After D-Mac came back from conferencing with the judge, she informed me that the judge was definitely going to average all that income for the year, but based upon a variety of extenuating factors, he was unsure as to which option he was going to take.  There were 4 which took into and out-of account… the alleged rent Pscyho-SIL was paying… summer camp… half/whole, etc… and the range saw a possible decrease from $400 to $368 up to a possible increase from $400 to $587.  D-Mac’s advice given what the judge’s intentions were… just keep the current order in place at $400/month.  Getting $0 was a long-shot.  PEW paying child support “wasn’t going to happen today.”

This is what is so maddening about the system.  “Judicial discretion.” So, in the judge’s estimation, averaging the income made the most sense despite the fact that it is not what my current income is.  So I, at approximately $29K gross/annualized unemployment, am paying child support to PEW who makes something near $48,000 gross/annualized.

So much for the “best interests of the children.” We have 50/50 custody.  She is currently making more money than me.  I’m having a dreadful time finding work.  And taking $400/month income from me does nothing to help the children when they are with me.  It hurts them.  It hurts everyone.  Well, except the psycho ex-wife.

Keep in mind, much of this is my fault, with the ill-timed filings (not knowing what the ultimate outcome of the whole severance issue was going to be).  So, after about $4,000 in legal fees… nothing has changed except that our household will be $400/month lighter, she will have $400/month continued tax-free income out of my unemployment compensation, and I’m really going to have to keep plugging away and praying that I can find ANY job (that pays more than unemployment) sooner rather than later.

Rather than spend another 4-hours in legal fees and going through arduous testimony, I took D-Mac’s advice and the hearing was averted… again.  It just didn’t make any sense to incur additional expenses knowing that the outcome was a foregone conclusion and may have resulted in an increase.

I took some private time in a back room to let go of some emotion and then re-grouped so that I could leave the building and head home to a tremendously deflated DW.

This is why the system is so completely fucked up.  Mine is one of thousands of stories that is taking place every single day across this country and abroad.  The system will spare no effort to make sure that the father has to pay the mother no matter the serious and unexpected financial circumstances.  While I’m not sure what efforts D-Mac may or may not have made in terms of explaining to the judge that if I’m made to pay child support right now, I could lose the apartment, which means losing custody of the children, which would result in another increase in child support, which I wouldn’t be able to pay, which would result in the ever-increasing punitive measures:  loss of license (making job hunting more difficult) and ultimately - jail for failure to pay child support and getting tossed on the heap of unfortunate fathers who get the “deadbeat” label… but it would appear that it wouldn’t have mattered one iota.

PEW is the entitled one. Fuck me.  Fuck DW.  Fuck the kids.  Pay up, dad.

There is your update.  Have a great day.

It’s been a while since the last job loss & child support modification update from June 24, 2009, but barring any unforeseen circumstances, the hearing will finally take place at the end of this week.  This morning I woke up to the following bizarre email in my inbox.  It’s similar to others seen that have been proffered before, but it’s no less annoying.

LM,

I’m trying to touch base because I got the recommendation and it seems like a total waste of time to me to go to a hearing? To be honest, I don’t know how you are affording rent and all the other expenses of staying up here, PLUS the gas and everything? I don’t even think it’s been a good arrangement for the kids to go back and forth between the houses during the school year. I spoke to the kids and they said they would rather stay here during school and see you on weekends. This is not what the judge intended and you know it. I’ve offered this before and I’ll offer again….if you’re going to stay up here, then on your weeks, you and DW stay here and I’ll stay at my parents. There’s no hidden agenda except that the kids have the stability of staying in this house because honestly, now that [Psycho-SIL] is gone, I don’t know if I can keep it. It’s the only constant thing they’ve had. It is seriously time to put all the crap aside…I didn’t do anything to deserve this. I don’t see how it can be a bad thing your you and DW, it’s much nicer than the apartment and I will even clear my stuff out of the bedroom.

~PEW

This is a typical effort by her.  Once she believes she has the upper-hand in a legal situation, she tries her very best to come across as a reasonable person willing to just stop the litigation and “do the right thing.”  I’m not even saying she doesn’t have the upper hand, however, the Support Master’s recommendation isn’t the only way to conclude this matter.  It’s not even the first way.  As long as the right thing is giving up custody, paying her money, and giving-in to her every demand, no matter how unreasonable.

If she were a normal, reasonable, understanding person, I would explain to her a few things:

1. We’re not “affording it.”  Unemployment insurance, while paying me a decent sum, isn’t covering all of the normal expenses for the cottage because I’m still paying child support out of it at a rate that was agreed-upon based upon my employment income.  Because the state is continuing to award YOU money out of my unemployment, it’s been very, very difficult.
2. Of course she doesn’t think it’s a “good arrangement for the kids” because it’s not her arrangement.  If it’s not “what the judge intended” - the judge wouldn’t have ordered it.
3. She is again speaking to the children about legal matters which is in violation of the court order.  I can assure you of this, the children have, on several occasions, volunteered that they are very happy with the week-on/week-off arrangement.  Going back to the very beginning, it’s all that they ever wanted after I was relegated to non-custodial status and they were often upset at how infrequently they were able to be with me.
4. She suggests similar situations depending upon how the circumstances could be changed to benefit her.  Back in 2007 when she was the “NCP” during the summer… she repeatedly said that week-on/week-off would be most beneficial to the children.  Imagine that!  One time, when S1 was being particularly difficult with her, she suggested that she have full custody of S2 and I have custody of S1.  Imagine that!

There is a hidden agenda.  As long as there exists a situation where I will pay her money, that’s the “best situation for the children.”

As for the recommendation from the Support Master’s office, I will say again… the calculation is done based upon imputing income to me.  The dreaded “earning capacity.”  However, my earning capacity is only as good as there are people willing to hire me.  Right now, I can assure you that I have never gone through a period so long where I couldn’t even get so much as a phone call.  Generally, imputing one’s income is only supposed to be done where there is some meaningful evidence that someone is willfully unemployed or underemployed.  So, unless the court believes that I want to lose the cottage, lose our home, lose custody of the children, lose my relationship with DW, SD1, and SS1… ignore my pages-long job search log… etc. - it’s simply inappropriate to be applying imputed income to me at this (or any other) time.  The manufacturing sector is sunk and companies simply aren’t paying top-dollar for middle-managers in this horrendous economy.  In my case, they’re not paying “any-dollar.”

Imputing income is one of what appears to be three available options.

Finally, even if it was a reasonable arrangement, her house is a shithouse.  She fails to mention what she would do with that crazy-assed dog of theirs.  Her hateful neighbors with the crazy, ARMED children who commit violence against ours and damage their home.  Lord only knows what kind of things we would be accused of if things broke, failed, went missing, were out of place, etc.

I’d rather go to jail.  And truth be told, if things don’t go “our way” on Friday… it won’t likely be very long before I go through the very punitive cycle of losing everything… credit, license, jail… because I simply won’t be able to afford any of anything.  This is a very scary predicament when you consider that my unemployment compensation is slated to run out in one month.