The Psycho Ex Wife

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We wrapped up Part I of the bullying issue with a pleasant reply from Mrs. Principal.  This is the conclusion.  After Mrs. Principal sent that rather friendly and informative email, I get the spazz from the Psycho Ex-Wife:

LM,

Ok, now I’m mad.  McBully is saying S2 is bullying him.  I hardly believe that.

~PEW

Not MY son!!! Oh please, let’s at least consider that this could very well be a mutual torture session. Consider it. That’s all.

I had prepared an email to send to Mrs. Principal and was going to share it with PEW before sending it. At the very same time, PEW prepared an email and sent it at precisely the same time as I sent her mine to review before I sent it. Here’s the difference between the two…

From PEW:

Mrs. Principal,

I did read in the paper that you were [out of town] accepting an award for the school. That was very nice. Congratulations. I’m glad you returned safely.

[Mister-M] will actually be handling this problem from now on, because I don’t feel like I can be un-emotional about it anymore.

I’m glad you are going to look into the situation for us, but I have to be honest, when I read this email it sounds like you kind of think S2 is making this stuff up. As far as S2 bullying McBully, I’m sorry, but I don’t believe it for one second. S2 is not an aggressive child. I know he made that terrible comment last week but as far as being physically aggressive with other children, I never see that behavior from S2. If he has been aggressive at school, I have never received a phone call about S2 hitting anyone since Kindergarten I think. As far as the incident with the thumbtacks….it was not in the classroom, I don’t know where it was, but I’m not sure why S2 would fabricate a story about Johnny McBully pushing him and him hitting his back on “something” sticking out of the wall. In addition, the recess assistants were not involved because S2 didn’t tell.

I have seen McBully several times with my own eyes in the midst of tantrums at school…..I don’t know if it’s an emotional issue or behavioral issue or whatever, but my son S2 has been crying and upset for the past two months over “whatever” is going on with McBully and it’s going to be a HUGE problem if we can’t resolve it. To me the answer is simple, they should stay away from each other completely. They don’t need to be friends…..we don’t even need to figure out WHY they don’t like each other. Thanks Mrs. Principal.

~PEW

What I sent, of course, was much different.  It went after a PEW review which was done for nothing more than common courtesy and being on the same page on this issue.  I didn’t want to each be independently trying to have it addressed, which frankly would have sucked for the teachers and staff.

From LM:

Mrs. Principal,

While I appreciate the feedback you have provided on this ongoing situation, the last thing I want to see is this devolve into a “S2-said/McBully-said” situation. I will preface the rest of my comments by saying that I understand that S2 is by no means perfect and there have been separate issues with which we’ve had to deal during the school year. Separately, the name Johnny McBully seems to be a common, recurring one in our dialogue and none of it in a positive way.

I’m not comfortable condemning a child, but I must let you know that the reputation I’m getting second-hand is that McBully is a bully and a regular problem at the school and at aftercare. I’ve had enough of hearing about these situations and have an expectation for a much more effective solution than those that I’ve heard about in the past (again, second-hand). As occurred on Monday this week, I never want to have to pick up S2 from school, ask him how his day was and have him tell me, “My life sucks” and when I ask him why, I hear, “Johnny McBully again” followed by another story of bullying or near bullying.

• My understanding is that the tack/board pushing situation didn’t occur in Mrs. S2Teacher’s class, but involved a board somewhere on the way to recess.
• I’ve had to deal with stories of S2 being kicked, punched, and shoved to the ground prior to entering the lunchroom, and McBully’s sanction was to be seated somewhere away from S2.
• I’ve listened to S2 tell me about how he doesn’t play with some of his usual friends anymore on recess in efforts to avoid McBully who may also be involved in the games.
• I’ve heard stories from other students who seem to indicate that McBully actively seeks out not only S2, but others for harassment and deliberately puts himself in places where he can be “contacted” so that things can be made to escalate. (I’ve heard this at aftercare.)
• There are other stories involving kicking, punching, and shoving on the part of McBully.
• Worthy of note, I’ve gotten no calls or emails from the school regarding reports of McBully, teachers, or McBully’s mom or dad claiming that S2 has been bullying him. However, this isn’t the first time we’ve inquired about Johnny McBully.

The temporary solution that I’ve urged S2 to follow is avoidance. He is to get a teacher if he is approached by McBully for any reason so that there is no chance that he can be accused of initiating anything. However, that doesn’t address what I believe is the root-cause of the problem as I am to understand it second-hand. No child should have to actively prepare his day with the thought of having to avoid a bully. If there is bullying going on on either side, it is my expectation that punishment will be swift and severe. I will not tolerate physical assaults perpetrated on my children nor perpetrated by my children. I don’t want this affecting his schoolwork. Now I’m going to cut everyone a little slack and say that while I’m sure that there is McBully’s version, S2’s version, and somewhere in between perhaps rests the truth, I will offer you this thought as we work towards a solution:

S2’s fear and upset is very real and not a fabrication or an embellishment. That, I see first-hand and there is absolutely no doubt in my mind about it. I was not happy when I picked him up from school on Monday to hear him tell me that his life sucks because of Johnny McBully. It may mean that they cannot be friends, but they will keep their hands off of other people. If they do not, I am prepared for whatever consequences that will come as a result of anything S2 may initiate and I’ve been very clear to him that this matter is very serious and that I better never learn of him having initiated anything from here on out.

While the “tone” of my reply may not indicate so, I assure you that I have an open-mind with regard to seeking a resolution or other effort to ensure that this doesn’t happen again. However, I won’t have much more patience should future situations arise. I’m giving everybody the benefit of the doubt.

Please make sure that I am copied on any further correspondence on this issue and you can call me any time at [my phone number].

Sincerely,
Mister-M

After the PEW review, she wrote back to me, “You shoulda been a lawyer.” She then tried to “recall” her email to Mrs. Principal, which I thought was hysterical. Does that even really work? All I know is that I got a follow-up email that read, “PEW would like to recall the email: Blah, blah, blah.”

Interestingly, aside from the defensive “not my son” position, you’ll notice that she jumped from the proverbial airplane and pulled her parachute without so much as letting me know.  She bails out and puts me right on the hook in this situation because she can’t control herself and SAYS SO right in her email to Mrs. Principal.  That’s fine with me, mind you, but just in case you ever see fit to question my claims that she can’t handle the children nor anything relating to them in a meaningful way - just put this in your evidence folder.  If it doesn’t involve buying them toys and gifts and staying “buddies” with them, she’s not prepared to handle anything serious.

To the both of us, Mrs. Principal replies:

Mister-M & PEW,

I appreciate you taking the time to share your concerns as I believe communication is the key to developing a supportive and positive partnership focused on the best interests of all of our students. While email is quite convenient, one runs the risk of their intended message being misunderstood by the reader due to misinterpretation of the writer’s tone. I simply shared Mrs. S2Teacher’s feedback in my previous email because I wanted you to know that my staff attempted to address this issue when it was brought to their attention. In no way was that information meant to negate the validity of the concerns S2 has shared with you or to indicate that any conclusions regarding this matter had already been drawn. Again, I apologize that business-related travel prevented me from speaking with you personally or over the phone on Monday morning.

Thank you and I look forward to speaking with you over the telephone tomorrow.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Principal

Of course, all PEW had to do to get the details was ask S2, which is what I did. Then, rather than intimate that there was disbelief on the part of anyone or the implication that S2 was lying, she could have done as I did - and simply state the facts as you actually know them (the push into the thumbtack board occurred elsewhere).

Mrs. Principal called me and we had a very pleasant discussion. It is summarized in my follow-up email to PEW…

PEW,

Spoke with Mrs. Principal this morning. Long and short of the situation is that it appears that “somewhere in the middle is the truth.” I’m sure she’s filled you in already (or will shortly), but based on interviews with all the boys (S2, McBully, Bestbuddy, Defender, and some others) as well as staff (including aftercare) - what is apparently happening is that playtime escalates into confrontation.

It would seem that S2 and Bestbuddy are the “popular kids” with whom everyone wants to play and they sometimes use that “power” to turn people away who are eager to play with them, not necessarily in a nice way. In other words, they “know” they’re popular and make themselves unapproachable or unavailable when the mood suits them. This causes ill-feelings which ultimately escalate into something more.

I am told that both McBully and S2 say that sometimes they play nice and sometimes they want nothing to do with one another.

So, at this time, I suggested and was promised close monitoring of the situation by all staff and I promised to address this improper use of their reported “popularity” on the home front. Sounds like all the kids need lessons in keeping things friendly and not being mean to one another when things don’t go their way. They also need to be more respectful in declining play with others and not using it as a weapon to be a jerk. Others need to be taught the importance of “hands-off” and treated with appropriate consequences for failing to abide by that.

~LM

Now, if there is a next time that involves a physical altercation, my expectation is that if it involves any of these boys - there will be meaningful punishment. Based on my discussion with S2, there seems to be an understand that there is a higher level of seriousness given all of the people who had to be involved in getting to the bottom of the matter. Of course, PEW wants to continue to go “not my son” on the issue…

LM,

I think she thinks we are stupid….S1 is popular….S2 is not, but Bestbuddy is popular and is good friends with Donny Defender (they live in the same apartment complex) and McBully is friends with Defender. It may have to do with S2 wanting to play with Bestbuddy but not Defender or McBully (who are both a little on the weird side). Maybe she just didn’t want to say it like that. I know Bestbuddy is a very nice kid, he’s not mean to anyone and seems to have a high tolerance for more difficult kids, whereas S2 does not. I think there’s some jealousy going on there too and I think that’s why he said what he said to Someonelse last week when he was playing with Blackkid. I think he doesn’t want his friends playing with kids he doesn’t like.

If your comfortable that S2 isn’t going to be subjected to any more abuse by this kid then I guess I’m comfortable too…..but I wouldn’t put much stock in Mrs. Principal saying S2 is abusing his popularity because I KNOW that is not the case. She’s either mis-informed or bullshitting her way through a difficult situation….I think I would know if my kid is popular. Kids flock around S1…call for playdates for S1…write him letters, etc…etc….. That’s not S2’s reality unfortunately.

~PEW

Really, who gives a shit, PEW? The situation has been addressed and I don’t care about the inconsequential details. Of course, she again is making fun of some of the children in her email, questions the authority’s assessment of the situation, and basically wants to absolve S2 of any culpability for how things have unfolded. Same story, different day.  What a childish buffoon.  How the hell would she even know what the hierarchy of popularity is at the school, at recess, at aftercare?  I’m not sure which is creepier - the likelihood that she has no idea and talks as if she does… or, that she actually does know.

I put a great deal of stock in what Mrs. Principal has said because it is based upon the information she gleaned from her interviews with the children themselves.  The bottom line, though, is none of that detail really matters to me, only that any future situations that occur are handled in a manner that is satisfactory to me, whether the trouble-starter is my son or someone else.

PEW,

I guess the proof will be in how situations are handled from here on out. I think we prompted action, they interviewed the players, and have notified those charged with watching over everything. All we can do at this point is play “wait and see.”

Challenging her conclusions won’t accomplish anything.

~LM

That is all I’ll have to say on the matter and I didn’t receive a reply to that last email, thankfully. I’m pleased to report that in the weeks since the get-together with the children on the matter, I’ve gotten nothing but good reports from S2.

Yeah, I guess we should have named this “Differing Approaches Month.”

In amongst the other issues I’ve written about this past week or so, I’ll add what was a developing bullying situation involving S2.  There have been intermittent run-ins with a boy we’ll call, Johnny McBully.  Johnny McBully has repeatedly assaulted S2 at various times during the school year due to what I understand to be inconsequential encounters.  McBully is a little bigger than S2 and acts out rather often.  The boy apparently has some behavioral issues and has a reputation both at school and at the aftercare program.  He’s a bit of a troublemaker.  These handful of situations (maybe 3 that I am aware of) haven’t been handled in what I deem to be a very effective manner.  The one for-instance I know of was a time when S2 claims to have inadvertently bumped into McBully in the line for lunch.  In response to this allegedly inadvertent bump, S2 was punched, kicked, and shoved to the ground.  Whoever was in charge at the time felt that moving McBully to another table for lunch was appropriate.  Me?  I think an assault like that warrants being sent home for a few days, no questions asked, but maybe I’m a little over-reactive, I dunno.  So, there’s your minimal background.

On Monday, January 26th, I picked up the boys from aftercare and asked them as I usually do, “How was your day today?” S2, looking forlorn, said, “My life sucks.” I asked him why.  He told me, “Johnny McBully again.” I was pissed.  S2 seemed so down about it and it made me very upset, though I didn’t show it.  I told him that I would handle it with the school and that I was unhappy with how things were handled so far.  In the meantime, I explained to him that whatever the story was, he had to tell me the complete truth (again) even if he did something wrong because if I approach the school and I find out the story is different than what he tells me, it would make any future situations very difficult to help him out with.   This approach is my effort to prevent “boy who cried wolf” situations from occurring.  It’s also my effort to make sure I don’t look like a complete jackass if I’m going to escalate the situation because my son set me up with misinformation.

The short version - during recess, S2 was playing with a friend and was approached by McBully and threatened.  Another boy intervened and defused the situation before anything physical occurred, but given how S2 was feeling many hours later at the end of the day, it was clear something more needed to be done.  I was not happy that my kid is going to school prepared to potentially have a run in with Johnny McBully.  I advised S2 to avoid McBully at all costs for the time being and that if McBully approached him for any reason - even a friendly one, he was to tell a teacher immediately that he wanted McBully to leave him alone.  Again, it stinks that I have to prepare my child for dealing with a bully as part of his daily routine, but it’s what needed to be done for now.

As I was pushing this to “urgent matter” status pertaining to the children, I informed PEW of what took place and that I was contacting the school about it the very next day.  Of course, PEW had to email the teacher and relayed the following:

LM,

Just letting you know.  I emailed Mrs. S2Teacher about S2 and this kid McBully.  She said she noticed that they don’t get along and keeps them separated as much as she can, but she is not at recess where most of the stuff is happening.  So I emailed Mrs. Principal and asked if maybe you or I could come observe at recess a few days to see what’s what.  Who knows, S2 is obviously letting himself get into the situations if he even gets close enough for stuff to happen.  I told him to stay away from McBully and he says he is.

~PEW

I did not reply. The next day, I did speak to the school’s guidance counselor. I called to speak to Mrs. Principal, but she was out of town on business, so I took the next person of importance after describing the situation briefly to the receptionist. Rather than give you a long explanation of our discussion, I will share with you the update I sent PEW which does it rather succinctly.

PEW,

In the absence of Mrs. Principal, I spoke to the Guidance Counselor, Mrs. Counselor. I laid out the situation about the ongoing and sustained bullying by Johnny McBully and our collective disappointment that whatever minimal sanctions that they’ve undertaken are clearly not effective.

She will initiate dialogue with Mrs. Principal upon her return and I will follow-up to see that’s happened (and if not, give the same schpiel to Mrs. Principal).

She also suggested that I call Mrs. Aftercareboss at Aftercare since some of these occurrences are happening there as well.

She will make an effort to see S2 today and see where his head is at. He was pretty upset yesterday, telling me when I picked him up at aftercare that McBully is “making my life suck.”

That’s where we stand at the moment.

~LM

It was a good discussion with Mrs. Counselor and I was fairly satisfied with her checking-in on S2 in the meantime. Then PEW sends back this delightful message…

LM,

Thanks for letting me know. I feel like calling the parents because I’m a crazy bee-atch or telling S2 the next time he touches him, to jump on top of him and just pummel him. I wonder where the adult supervision is when these things are happening. Mrs. Principal isn’t back until Thursday….I heard that from Mrs. S2Teacher.

~PEW

If only I could believe that she really believed she is a “crazy bee-atch.” And what is with her writing the non-word “bee-atch” to me on any matter, let alone a serious one? What is she? 12? Have I asked that question before?

I also appreciate her line of thinking. Yes, ordering our son to “pummel him” as a solution will help matters. Now, I’m no pacifist, but with the (usually) zero-tolerance extreme ways schools deal with some things nowadays, my preference is avoiding such situations if it’s reasonable to do so. I have no problem if my kid lays a beating on someone if it’s necessary to extract themselves from a situation where the absence of a beating to get out of it is “virtually” impossible. That should seriously limit the potential of their involvement in a physical altercation. PEW? Just get to the pummeling already!

What I wasn’t aware of, until after PEW forwarded me an email from Mrs. Principal, is that PEW also mailed her the same day she emailed Mrs. S2Teacher.

Mrs. Principal,

Sorry to have to contact you again about this, but all of last week S2 was complaining about Johnny McBully in his class again. Everyday last week when I picked him up, he was upset about some exchange between him and McBully. One day he said McBully pushed him and his back went into the thumbtacks sticking out of the board…another day he said McBully screamed in his face. Whatever is happening it’s having quite an impact on S2. I emailed Mrs. S2Teacher and she said she has noticed that they haven’t been getting along more than usual and does keep them separated as much as she can in the classroom, but most of the time things are happening at recess. I’m kind of at a loss and I’m thinking maybe I should come down a few days at recess time and see what’s going on. Maybe I can figure out where S2 is going wrong because I’ve already told him to steer clear if it’s that much of an issue and he’s telling me he is so I don’t know what else to do unless I see for myself.

Let me know what you think.

~PEW

Not bad. Not too bad at all. She even came dangerously close to considering that there is a possibility that S2 could have some culpability in the circumstances, however unlikely that may seem to be.

Dear PEW,

Thank you for sharing this information with me. I apologize for not getting back to you sooner but I was working outside of the district and did not have access to email. The icy weather negatively impacted travel across the state so I’m glad to be back safely!

Upon our return to school tomorrow, I will be meeting with the children and staff members involved to address this matter. In the meantime, I have contacted Mrs. S2Teacher in regard to this situation and she informed me that upon receipt of your email earlier in the week, she spoke to both boys privately and they shared similar concerns. McBully stated that S2 is bullying him and never wants to be his friend. S2 stated that McBully is not nice to him at recess and aftercare. She also indicated that she had no knowledge of any incident where S2 was pushed into a board with thumbtacks. In fact, she was confused as to what he was referring to because she doesn’t use thumb tacks anywhere in the classroom. She said that she puts everything up with tape or staples, including the hallway bulletin board decorations. Additionally, Mrs. S2Teacher tells me that she has not seen any major incidences with S2 and McBully in the classroom, nor have the Recess Assistants approached her about any incidents at recess. Nevertheless, she did speak to our guidance counselor Mrs. Counselor who will be meeting with S2 and McBully to discuss what is going on and help them with their conflict resolution and friendship skills.

Thank you for your patience and you can rest assured that I will follow-up promptly. Additionally, I will share the information/outcome with McBully’s parents as well as Mrs. Aftercareboss who is directly responsible for matters pertaining to aftercare. You can expect an update from me tomorrow.

I appreciate your ongoing support! Be safe in your travels!

Sincerely,
Mrs. Principal

To be continued in the Part 2 conclusion…

The conclusion… continuing from Part 2:

Wednesday evening, after I picked up the boys from school and we got home, I took S1 outside for a talking-with in private.  We discussed the concerns I had and some of the information I had gotten from Mrs. S1Teacher.  He would immediately become defensive and frustrated.  He was afraid that this was going to turn into a “bash S1″ conference and had a thousand excuses.

I would stop him before his agitated diatribe got rolling to remind him that this back-slide, as I have termed it, is not a cause for alarm.  After all, I said, “You’ve gone from As to middle Bs.  I am not going to bash you for Bs, S1.  Cs, Ds, or Fs… I would be alarmed.  As to Bs, is just a signal to me that something may need some extra attention, nothing more.”

We did talk about his lack of truthfulness on some of the issues and I spent a good deal of time addressing his contention that Mrs. S1Teacher doesn’t like him or is out to get him.  It’s just not true.  I explained to him that she has high expectations of him because he has demonstrated that he has the skills to get it done.  When he becomes distracted, inattentive, and/or disruptive, this is disappointing to her and is unfair to all of his classmates if she’s repeatedly stopping to redirect him and not teaching everyone.  He wanted to get defensive, but I simply asked him, “Is what Mrs. S1Teacher has told me untrue?” He answered, “No.”

I reiterated to him what my plans are.  They are to increase my checking of his work.  They are to expect a higher level of focus in school and at home.  They are to expect better organization both in school and at home.  That’s it.  That’s all that is necessary for him to get back to As.  How much scrutiny he will get from me will depend entirely on his efforts and the results.  I explained to him that I will not allow tomorrow’s conference to turn into a “bash S1″ session.  What happened this past marking period can’t be undone.  All he/we can do is make improvements going forward.  I told him that he still may feel apprehensive and emotional during the discussions tomorrow and that it’s okay… if he needs a reassuring glance or a thumbs up, you just look at me.

A couple of disclosures were made on the short ride home from school yesterday.  I was aware of some and not aware of others:

• Both boys apparently had upper respiratory infections last week.  She kept them both out of school all of last week and on Monday.
• PEW made no arrangements for their school work to come home while they were out, even though she knew she was keeping them out for the full week.  (Apparently, they both had fevers every single day.)
• Though S2 was okay to go to school, PEW was a little under the weather and chose not to send S2 to school because, “You’ll probably have a lot of make-up homework and I just don’t feel like helping you with it today.”
• Though S1 is NOT “in trouble” - I did ask him if PEW had imposed any restrictions on TV time or video-game time in order to help him get re-focused on school work since getting his report card.  Of course, the reply was negative.
• In keeping with her penchant of doing what I call “setting up Dad and the children for failure” - they had a fun project to do - preparing Valentine’s Cards for classmates.  Despite having them since the weekend, I got a note in the late afternoon on Wednesday informing me that they “had to be done” for Thursday.
• She tells S2 that she thinks that his teacher gives him “entirely too much homework.”

Chatting with DW last night, I said to her that it’s uncanny how she puts on this overly-concerned, academics focused, vigilant front for the school staff, blaming, shaming, blowharding… while behind the scenes, she does nothing.  “It’s always somebody else’s fault.”  She bears no responsibility on the home front.  Worse, she openly says things to the children which undermine the teacher’s efforts, undermine the importance of learning, and essentially foster negative attitudes towards school-work/homework.

I also said to DW - these are the things that I would like to point out to her, but understand that doing so would do absolutely NO good.  There is NOTHING I can do about it.  It was suggested that I bring up these issues while in conference, but unfortunately, S1 will be in attendance and I won’t risk her having a meltdown in that forum with him there.

As we arrived for the conference, S1 was waiting for us and we proceeded to his classroom.  It would be me, PEW, S1, and Mrs. S1Teacher.  When we approached her, she was nice but noticeably greeted PEW with a nod and smile as she passed through the door while openly greeting me with a handshake and saying, “Great to see you again, Mister-M, thank you for coming.”

The conference went mostly as predicted.  Mrs. S1Teacher opened up with some of the behaviors that she had noted about S1.  Most of it being distracted and doing things he’s not supposed to be doing.  Some of it being downright disrespectful - ignoring other students, ignoring the teacher’s assistant, or flat-out ignoring the teacher.  Essentially just “not being there.”  Mrs. S1Teacher lauded him, too, stating that the days he is “with her” - his face beams with pride as he makes his contributions and that most of the other students really look up to him.  In many of the lessons, particularly in reading and writing where this slight back-step has occurred, he’s clearly better than the rest.

After the teacher’s opening statements (which S1 acknowledged), I took the opportunity to describe the discussions I had with S1 the previous evening, the content of which was nearly identical to what Mrs. S1Teacher had said to open the conference.

Predictably, PEW sat there with a dopey look on her face and said nothing.  For a moment, there was that uncomfortable silence as S1, the teacher, and I sat there looking at PEW.  Mrs. S1Teacher breaks the silence by saying, “Okay, PEW, and what are your expectations?  Do you have anything you want to say?” in that voice like she was talking to one of her 10-year-olds during class time.

With that PEW turned to S1 and offered some weak dialogue that mostly centered around telling S1:

• He’s doing great in school (which is true).
• He’s not a “bad boy” (the way she says it makes me want to cringe).
• He has a “lot of privileges like television and video games that I would hate to have to take away” (which is a testament to her disciplinary style - she has none).

The other thing that has bothered me for quite a long time is PEW’s over-expectation that the kids, in particular S1, have full responsibility for things like food choices, how much they eat, how much time they spend playing video-games or watching television.  A glaring example of this is detailed in the “Child Obesity Crisis Looms” posts.  Her method is different from most.  I understand completely about giving the children responsibility over certain things - like getting their homework done.  PEW just absolves herself of any responsibility for instilling this in the children.  She just doesn’t do it.  She can’t.  She’s utterly incapable.  She thinks she sounds intelligent by saying things like, “S1, you need to make better choices…” without recognizing that the ability to make better choices is learned over time with structure, with discipline, with tutelage - a child is taught how to make better choices and is slowly given opportunities to demonstrate this when they present themselves.  PEW, I think, just expects that this suddenly happens on its own, as if by osmosis, and her expectation that they do these things are all that she needs to do.

This is where I believe we will always struggle with discipline and responsibility.  She does little to foster these positive behaviors.  The boys have little expectation that they will be held accountable for less-than acceptable behaviors when with her.  The boys rarely, if ever, suffer any sanctions when they do misbehave (after all, PEW would “hate” to have to take away the things that they love and enjoy so much).  Worse - her sister and the rest of her family undermine the scant few efforts that she makes to do something along those lines - as I detailed in this post where her sister openly makes fun of PEW’s efforts to talk to the boys about something, calling her “talking-tos” Walton speeches after the television show The Waltons. Now, that’s how the boys make the same derogatory comments about her rare efforts.  They are taught to be disrespectful of the PEW and they have learned to expect that they will suffer no negative sanctions from her.  When they do, there will be others who will make fun of her for it and do so openly and in front them.  Is it any wonder why they do this to other authority figures?

The bottom line is this - I suggested to Mrs. S1Teacher that we use his daily homework book to make short communications daily about his behavior and efforts.  Mrs. S1Teacher will report on his efforts in the classroom (both good and bad).  I will do the same from the home front.  We will both monitor his organization by checking his book-bag daily (home) and his desk daily (school).  She thought it was a great idea.  Then again, she turned to PEW and asked if she had any suggestions.  Of course, she didn’t, turning instead to S1 and reminding him that he is an excellent student, that he is not a “bad-boy,” and that she loves him.  She then agreed to do the same thing I had suggested.  I doubt it, but we’ll see.

PEW’s participation in this conference was very predictable as was its stark contrast to all of the blustery, agitated correspondence over the course of the last week.

S1 seemed a bit nervous but not uncomfortable with the conference.  He never lost focus and was not upset in the slightest and I hope that is attributable to the discussion we had the previous night.  His limited commentary had me concerned that he didn’t quite get it all, but my concerns were dispelled at a get-together to celebrate my nephew’s 2nd birthday last night.  Uncle V, of his own accord, asked S1 how things were going in school.  I eavesdropped from afar, listening as he told Uncle V that his grades in reading and writing “slipped from As to Bs” but that we had a conference to get him “back on the right track” and described the details of the discussions.  I was pleased.  Now the important part begins - the follow-through.

Continuing from the previous installment…

I sent an email to Mrs. S1Teacher:

Mrs. S1Teacher,

I just wanted to let you know that I’m aware of the slip in grades for S1 in the Reading & Writing and I will continue to work on it with S1 on the home-front.  I did want to let you know about a couple of details that I think are being missed in the discussion:

- I was unaware that S1 received a “0″ on any test.  That would be alarming to me and I assure you that I either misread a test that was sent home and I signed, or I didn’t see the test at all.  Had I noticed a “0″ on any test, it would have raised serious red-flags for me.

- I do recall seeing a test that had several pages with “0″ on them, which I did sign.

- I review each test with S1 and we go over the areas where he had any struggles.  That said, I was unaware of any requirement that S1 was to physically make corrections to each test to be returned to school for review.

I do have a couple of questions.  Does S1 receive a packet of completed tests to bring home for review and signature or do you send them home as they are completed and graded  (individually)?  Your email seemed to indicate that the tests are sent home on an “as-completed/as-graded” frequency and I can tell you that all year long, I have typically received a bunch of tests in a packet for review and signature.  If they are sent home on an “as-completed/as-graded” basis, then that is something I need to address with S1 as it would appear that he is saving them up and then presenting them to me in bunches which would be a concern to me.

I would be interested in your thoughts on S1s slight backslide.  From the looks of things, I believe we can get him back on track rather easily, but if there are some underlying issues that are occurring at school, I would like to know what they are so we can remain focused on getting his grades back up to where they usually are.

Thanks, Mrs. S1Teacher.  I appreciate your assistance.

Sincerely,
LM

You see, before I can make an official judgment on where the disconnect occurred, I do my best to avoid confronting the situations with both barrels blazing.  Ask questions, make an assessment, and then act to correct the situation.  This was sent on Friday morning and I didn’t receive a reply before the end of the day. On Monday, I did receive a reply…

Dear Mister-M,

Thank you for your email and for your continued support at home.

S1 did not receive a 0 on a test. The zeros were on graded classwork. I told S1 that if a parent signed and returned the pages, and if S1 corrected/completed the work, I would re-assess the work. As we were dismissing at the end of the day, I double checked with him to be sure he had the papers in his backpack. He left them upstairs in the classroom. He went back to get them. The next school day they came back signed but there was no evidence that S1 had made corrections for me to see.

Work, including tests, is returned to the children as soon as it is graded. If there are 2 tests on a given day, like a spelling test and a science test, and both are graded over the weekend, then both are given back on Monday. Tests are never intentionally bundled together for a once a week signing. No school work is ever “saved” for a bulk signing.

S1 has remained consistent with his behavior since the beginning of school. There will be a day or two that he is focused, ready, participates in class and his work is of the highest quality. And then, there are many days when he is drawing on his sneakers, tuning out the lesson, and not following through, and he requires frequent cues and reminders to get back on task.

Sincerely,
Mrs. S1Teacher

Well that clears things up quite readily. And, while I still wish I had some alert sooner than the end of the marking period, at least I know how to direct my energies on these issues going forward. I sent her a reply…

Mrs. S1Teacher,

Thanks so much for the clarifications. They will help a great deal going forward. I may ask a favor in the near future if it’s not too much of a burden, but will see what my discussions with S1 yield mid-week. I’m out of town until Tuesday night and I will certainly chat with him on Wednesday and see what direction we can take on getting him refocused and remaining there.

I will start by noting any discussions we have regarding his requirements for that evening’s assignments in his homework book. I’ll keep them brief just so we can make sure you and I have the same understandings with regard to S1’s work.

Sincerely,
Mister-M

This is how something like this should be handled once you obtain all of the actual facts and not act on the bizarre interpretations of the PEW, who would rather prepare to “go ballistic” on the teacher rather than focus on what is important - getting S1 back on track from the “horror” of Bs and back to his usual high level of work.

Apparently, PEW did not get a response from Mrs. S1Teacher.  While not disclosing yet that I did, she sent me the following if I had asked if she heard from her:

LM,

No but I talked to Mrs. Principal today…Miss S1Teacher did not respond to my email about the zero..and she did not send it home with S2 like I asked. Mrs. Principal said that Miss S1Teacher said she spoke to me about, which was kind of shocking because I haven’t had a conversation with her since the conference. Mrs. Principal said that she spoke to Miss S1Teacher about the zero and Miss S1Teacher led her to believe it was regarding incompete work, not a test…so I said that in the email she sent me it said it was a page, which I am taking to mean a test that you allegedly signed off on….which she took as 1/10 of his grade….and now I am doubting anything she says. Mrs. Principal said she thinks that you, me, Mrs. Principal, Miss S1Teacher and S1 should sit down all at the same time so S1 knows we are all on the same page, because Miss S1Teacher led her to believe that the problem lies with S1 (which I’m not saying it doesn’t) however I told Mrs. Principal before we do that I would like Miss S1Teacher to explain the circumstances of how a zero was gotten and how it became 1/10th of the grade…before we talk to S1. I don’t want him to think he’s in trouble because he’s very smart and his grades are good…but I think he’s tricking you and tricking me when it comes to homework assignments and studying for tests…and completing assignments. I always catch him in lies when it comes to homework. He’s always telling me he has one thing, when he actually 3….he always tells me he studied and when I quiz him, it’s clear he didn’t. So we do all need to be on the same page where he’s concerned, but I don’t want him to think he’s bad because he’s not…he’s just lazy. His work is sloppy, his desk was a mess, when she sent me his stuff home when he was sick it was a big giant pile of trash that he was saving in his desk. No wonder he can’t make heads or tails out of what to bring home. Anyway…..to make a long story short, Mrs Principal is going to have Miss S1Teacher call me with an explanation about the zero tomorrow and then we’ll go from there. The original meeting was scheduled for 3:30 on Thurs, but I may have to postpone that. Miss S1Teacher seems to contradict herself…and I don’t know why she would tell Mrs. Principal she spoke to me, when she didn’t…and I don’t know why she would say you signed off on something that she can’t produce. We’ll see. I told Mrs. Principal that from what I’ve learned thus far, I’m thinking including the zero as part of his grade was not entirely fair…and I’m willing to work with S1 but I may come back to her and ask that it be changed after the fact (not that it really matters in fourth grade) but it’s the principal of the thing.

~PEW

PEW is hung up on the wrong issues here and it’s more of the same - “not MY son.” S1 got his grade because he is apparently disorganized, dishonest, and doesn’t do his assigned work. That much is clear. Still, she doesn’t want him to “think he is a bad boy.” Please. His work habits and organizational skills clearly need improvement and ongoing monitoring.  The bottom line is this - she’ll address anyone, everyone, whoever she can with the utmost show of force and involvement and blame anyone else she can… except the person responsible for his predicament.  Our son.  I’m not even sure if she’s addressed any of what has been reported by the teacher with him.  It’s a sad testament to the way she approaches everything as a parent.  She’s so focused on calling the staff on the carpet for inconsequential issues that she’s long since lost sight of the main issue.

I agree with the Principal’s suggestion of a group meeting and united front as much as I’m not looking forward to the experience as it involves PEW, I’m willing to give it a shot.  I make a weak effort to get her re-focused on the real problem - S1.

PEW,

Okay. I was sure there was some confusion as to whether or not it was an actual test. Even if she didn’t yet produce it, I did sign a stack of paperwork that included what you describe - some pages as part of a larger package that were “0″ because they were incomplete. So that much is true. It was on a scout night, so while we went over some of the stuff that was incorrect, we didn’t go over all of it. I told S1 to bring the paperwork back home after he showed Mrs. S1Teacher that I had signed it so that we could work on it together. That said, I was unaware of the assignment for him to complete it for reconsideration by Mrs. S1Teacher. It did not come back from school before the weekend of our last exchange.

I agree with Mrs. Principal that it’s probably best for S1 to see a full united front on this issue and that a meeting with Mrs. S1Teacher should include all of us so that S1 can’t “wiggle out” of the issue going forward. It would be great if we could make it this week. It is my thought that S1 is responsible for the situation. And while he has backstepped to Bs, I think that getting him re-focused will easily restore his work to As. That’s where our focus should be.

~LM

As for S1’s backslide, I wonder if this coincides with his recent disclosure about having a girlfriend, coincidentally about the length of time as the last marking period… or maybe his attention is lacking because he has too much exposure to late nights… WWE… too much video-game time at mom’s… or… his home life at one place or the other or both… we’ll soon see.

Oh, and I will very likely ask PEW what her efforts will include. I’ll bet, there will continue to be no limitations to the television (or types of shows they watch) or video-game time.

In any event, as of yesterday, PEW still hadn’t heard from Mrs. S1Teacher…

LM,

I still have not received an email or phone call from Miss S1Teacher Have you? I am postponing the meeting tomorrow because they wanted to include S1 in it and since she hasn’t answered my questions regarding the zero I’m not prepared to have S1 be part of any meeting.

~PEW

So, I sent her a copy of the email that opened this post.  She replied, but only to ask me if I would be available for a 3:30PM conference at the school today.  I am.

To be continued…

The Psycho Ex-Wife, as many regular readers already know, is the master of “everything is always someone else’s fault.”  This is not only for situations that are relevant to herself, but I see it in dealings with the children as well.  Even in the prior post about differing approaches to a disciplinary issue, there is an underlying theme of minor acceptance of the boys’ responsibility for their actions but something else precipitated it.  The boy that S1 made fun of for his weight issues is “annoying and nerdy,” for instance.  With regard to S2’s racially provocative comment to another child, she wondered “where he got that from.”  You’ll see more of this attitude in today’s post.

This situation did not see me contacted directly first.  I was copied an email that PEW had sent to S1’s teacher.

Hi Mrs. S1Teacher,

I was not sure the best way to reach you. I left a voicemail, so I figured I would email. I got S1’s report card and I saw that his reading grade went from a 96 to 82 and his writing went from 94 to 82. I don’t recall his grades ever taking a plunge like that so I was wondering if this was correct or a mistake? If it is not a mistake I wanted to set up a conference with you because obviously I missed something in this marking period. I do not recall getting any tests that were under a 90%. He did receive honors but I would still be very concerned at such a drop in his grades.

Thanks,
PEW

A mistake?  I doubt it.  I do appreciate the concern PEW has as I would have the same concern about a slip in the grades (and do).  While I understand that there is more than one way to approach any given situation, I’m not sure coming right out of the gate and suggesting the possibility of a “mistake” on the part of the teacher is the best.  Also, while I’m on board with finding out the details of the backslide, it is a slight backslide and we’re talking about Bs here, not Cs, Ds, or Fs.  I mention this now because PEW’s tone would go right to near full spazz in short order.  Also, I can’t help but get a sense of “not MY child” developing, even with this first email above.

I send PEW an email:

PEW,

If you get the opportunity, fax me a copy to [my fax number].

Most of the stuff I’ve seen and checked has been very good or excellent, too… save for 1 item I signed this past week.

~LM

The one item I speak of was a test that was a low score and several pages of the test were marked “0″ because none of the questions were answered.  During a busy evening where we had to head out for S2’s scout meeting, we quickly reviewed the tests & quizzes (which I’m required to sign) and we speak about going over them in more detail later.

Her reply:

LM,

Hi I can send it to you tomorrow, I don’t have a fax at home.  I hope it’s a mistake….if not I’m going to go ballistic on Mrs. S1Teacher.  Not to mention that she gives him all Ns for his conduct…which is crap.  He got honors again so I don’t see how it’s possible.

~PEW

I’m correct.  She’s already positioned herself to “go ballistic” on the teacher.  Yes, I would also be concerned with “all Ns” (needs improvement) on his conduct areas, because I know that I haven’t received any notes home regarding poor conduct and I’m assuming that PEW hasn’t, either.  While that certainly justifies further inquiry, preparing to “go ballistic” on the teacher is both childish and inappropriate.  I reply by writing simply, “The only problem I have is that if these are problems/issues - she hasn’t sent a single note home that I can recall.”

She responds:

LM,

exactly…I haven’t heard a peep from her since our conference….and it was not a very enlightening conference either….I felt like I was talking to the blackboard.

[She] didn’t respond yet….she’s way too busy and important to be bothered.

~PEW

While I found Mrs. S1Teacher to be what can best be described as a little “airy” for lack of a better term, I found her friendly, engaging, and seemingly excited about the work she does with the children.  Of course, PEW has a nastier view of Mrs. S1Teacher and my guess it’s based on her “not MY child” attitude.  After all, not only is nothing ever her fault, it would seem that nothing is going to be the children’s fault either.

Mrs. S1Teacher makes contact via email which PEW forwards to me:

PEW,

I was out of the building on Tuesday and with the delay on Wednesday, I did not have an opportunity to respond to you sooner.

S1’s grades in reading include 100’s, 92, 83, 85, 79, 79, 78, 92, 82, and 0. All papers, as they were completed and graded, were given to S1 to take home. The pages with the 0 were to be signed and returned which Mr. M did, but there was no evidence of S1 correcting his work as I asked him to do.

S1’s writing grade is comprised of his spelling average, his grammar average and his composition average. An 82% is the accurate grade for writing.

If you would like to set up an appointment for next week, I am available Tuesday and Thursday at 3:30.

Sincerely,
Mrs. S1Teacher

So much for PEW’s contention that “Mrs. Blackboard” was “too busy and important” to reply to her.  I can’t stand PEW’s nastiness.

One thing did strike me from the email, though.  I don’t recall ever seeing a “0″ on a test.  Now, short of sitting in your chair and just refusing to take a test, it’s hard for me to imagine any child not knowing the subject matter so badly that they would get every single question on a test incorrect.  Had I seen a “0″ on a test, I most certainly would have raised the red flags and seriously questioned S1 regarding what had occurred that he managed a 0 on a test.  The boys are very bright and very smart.  I would demand an explanation.  Also, I was unaware of any requirement that the children are supposed to correct the tests prior to returning them to the teacher.  That doesn’t mean that we don’t go over the tests, discuss the trouble areas, and work on understanding what was done wrong and how to do them correctly, but we’re half-way through the school year and this requirement for corrections is news to me.  When I was in school, we went over tests and made corrections in class, not at home.  (And besides, since I get a bunch of tests at one time, in a bunch packet, it would take quite a lot of time in addition to the regular homework, to go through a bank of 4, 6, 8 or more tests and do all the allegedly required corrections.)

Now, there are several possibilities here:

1. As the tests requiring signature all come home in bunches, there is certainly a chance that I missed it.
2. There is also the chance that the test wasn’t in the bunch sent home with the signature sheet and that my son, afraid of me seeing a “0″ - just didn’t want me to see it.
3. I may have mistaken that specific test as a page within a test that was marked with a “0.”

My guess is that there is a misunderstanding here somewhere.  Either someone is holding back the tests and there is a delay in them being presented to me/us from time to time, or the “0″ wasn’t a test in and of itself, but something within the test as I recalled.  It’s a bit hard to decipher from the email.

Still, if there was something as alarming as a ZERO on something so important, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for either PEW or I to expect a higher level of contact from the teacher.  A phone call.  An email.  A special note sent home.  That didn’t happen, but again, I need to understand the entirety of the situation before making an assessment in that regard.

Attached to that reply from Mrs. S1Teacher, are PEW’s increasingly angry words:

LM,

See Ms. S1Teacher’s note below.  Needless to say not only am I upset that SHE didn’t let me know S1 got a zero on a test, but YOU didn’t let me know.  Also every test that comes home needs to be corrected…did you know that?  you don’t just sign it and return it to school.  I know your busy writing your [column] and messanging on Twitter, but the kids homework and grades are VERY important.   S1 is capable of so much more and if you’re going to be too busy with other nonsense….it’s going to be a problem.

Both kids have been home sick all week.  Just FYI.  I have a meeting with Mrs. S1Teacher next week.

~PEW

Followed shortly thereafter by…

LM,

as of right now I don’t need to discuss it with you.   I asked Ms S1Teacher to send the test home, I want to see the test….I told her I cant imagine why a zero didn’t warrent a call home to ME….if it was sent back to school NOT corrected…it should have been sent home with a note and marked as incomplete homework…..S1 says he doesnt even remember getting a zero.  I will deal with the school about this…not you.As for the nasty attitude, have I ever called you psycho or crazy in any public domain??  What happens between you and I is not fodder for DW.  You’re not even married to her….she’s not their stepmother…..she’s not even nice to them.  As for her saying she’ll have another opportunity to have me arrested….no she wont….not ever.

No, she hasn’t found this place, though I sense she’s getting closer.  However, there is the hidden message, “I’m stalking you and DW again.” She did find a rare, very old comment that DW has posted elsewhere about a specific crazy goings-on that had the potential of occurring.  That was 6-months ago. It was one comment.  Plus, she doesn’t even have her facts straight.  I don’t write a column for the project she’s discovered.  Someone else does.  She assumes it’s me.  The rest of her assumptions are, not surprisingly, PEW fantasy.  You can see that the tone continues to be “someone else’s fault.”  And no, I was unaware of any requirement that the tests are to be corrected at home before being returned to school.  I’m very involved in helping the children with their work (some might consider too involved), but there was no note in the homework journal ever indicating this requirement, and frankly - it’s not one I wholeheartedly agree with.  We always go over the tests (as previously described) to work on the weak spots and understand what went wrong and what is the correct way to do things.  However, my opinion is that test reviews and corrections are the teacher’s job.  The kids have plenty of homework as it is.  Again, this from a parent who monitors things rather closely and believes all parents should within reason.

My reply to PEW was simple, “When you decide to take your nasty attitude and shelve it, I’ll be glad to discuss the matter with you.  Until then, I won’t.  Let me know how you wish to proceed.” And I’ve not discussed it any further with her since then (approximately 1 week ago).

To be continued with Part 2…