The Psycho Ex Wife

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Popping into the infrequently used “civility” blog post category comes this rare moment of cooperation that is devoid of any craziness.  As promised, when they occur, I will post them!  Stamp me surprised as civility is usually the furthest thing from PEW’s mind when a court date (conference) is right around the corner.

This weekend is a Boy Scouts camping activity for the children.  It had actaully slipped my mind until I checked the schedule earlier this week, but not before the boys had arrived for their week with me.  One of the things that PEW and I do not have our own respective collection of - is camping gear… at least not completely.  While I did have 3 sleeping bags, one of them is, well, pretty much shot.  That’s to be expected of a sleeping bag that, I kid you not, is at least 30-years old.  That left me with 2 adult sized ones.  I know that PEW has purchased sleeping bags for the boys a few years back and we have exchanged them when needed for prior camping excusions.  Still, with the forthcoming support conference, I had to prepare for the usual level of irrelevant topics that would venture far from, “can you send me S2’s sleeping bag?”

PEW,

If possible, can you bring to work (I can meet you at lunchtime or some time convenient for you):

• S2’s sleeping bag.
• S2’s pocketknife… he tells me it’s in “the big brown thing in the computer room… bottom row of drawers, farthest to the left.”
• S2’s hiking boots.  Up in the bedroom, in the closet, with the leaves on them.  The ones I have for him are too small by a size or too large by a size.
• S1 seems to think you may have foam pads that would serve as a bag-pad in the lean-tos.  If you do have them, can we get those from you?

Thank you.

~LM

Mister-M, master of the bullet-points.

LM,

The hiking boots I have are a size 1-1/2 for S2. They are from last year. I don’t think they will fit because I think he’s in a size 3 now. I’ll put them in the bag anyway and he can try them on. If not you could probably pick up a pair at Kmart for like $15 I think that’s how much this pair was.

actually…what size shoe did you just buy him. I can run into [the store] because I got a $20 gift card for spending $100….I can see if they have any clearance left over. It’s my late day I don’t have to be in work until 10:30

~PEW

Really? PEW spending? Fair enough. If neither of us had a pair that fit, I figured I’d have to do that anyway.

PEW,

3-1/2 on the sneakers… very slightly oversized. He tried on the 4-1/2 hikers I have here, but he was swimming far too much in them for a hike… I think he’ll blister.

I’d go no higher than a 4, and a 3-1/2 will probably be perfect.

On a separate note… AFTERCARE… make sure you’re not getting charged for time they’re not there. Spring Break Week (before Easter) - we didn’t use any aftercare. This week, same thing. I intend to do that to keep costs down until I get a job and will continue to call [Manager] (as I’ve done) to let her know each one of my weeks.

I’ve been picking them up at regular dismissal time.

~LM

Good dialogue. Spirit of cooperation. Focus on the children having the best, most comfortable time… saving us some money on aftercare…

A couple of quick phone calls were exchanged.  Long story shortened, she popped into the store, picked up a new pair of hiking shoes for S2, and did so without any martyrdom about how she pays for everything and does everything in the history of ever for everyone who has ever walked the planet since it came to exist because she is just that wonderful hysteria!

She brought all of the items (she could find) with her to work today and the children have early dismissal.  So, continuing to give as good as I get, I will pick the boys up first and then swing by to pick up the extra camping gear so she can see them and wish them well for the forthcoming weekend.  Her workplace is between our home and their school.

What a wonderful experience.  Too bad we’ll be right back into the pits after Monday next week.  Stay tuned…

I was laid-off the first week of March 2009. It was unexpected. Business conditions were poor and we trimmed everything we could. I knew layoffs were coming, but I didn’t anticipate I would be a part of this round of layoffs. Oh, well.  It was rather ironic given that I had only just uploaded a guest post on the topic of child support issues during a layoff a day or so before it occurred.

I held off notifying the PEW until after the kids were with me. After the exchange on Sunday, I sent her the following email…

PEW,

Due to business and economic condition, work laid-off 20% of the workforce. I was one of those people. I would strongly suggest that you look into adding the boys to your work health & dental insurance. My health insurance is good only through the end of the month, so I will be making dental appointments right away to at least get a cleaning in. If something more is needed, I’ll let them know and get it scheduled before the end of the month.

~LM

I was anticipating a less-than understanding response, but ended up quite surprised. She was civil.

LM,

I’m very sorry to hear that. I hope it doesn’t happen to me as well.  It would be $400/month to add them to the policy at my work.  The state insurance is I think $200/month but you have to go to [their website] to apply.  Here is the website info: [website info]

How is this going to effect the arrangement? are you going to have to leave the apartment?

~PEW

*Whew* was my first thought.  My 2nd thought is that, while I have absolutely no clue, I find it incredibly difficult to believe that it costs $400 to add the children to her health insurance.  I had very good insurance through work and it doesn’t cost close to that amount for me to have coverage on all three of us!  In fact, no where I have ever worked has my contribution been close to $400/month.  However, that’s neither here nor there… given who she works for, I believe that the coverage would be far better than the state coverage.  Child support would be calculated based upon current incomes and my contribution to that figure would defray some of the cost, but I suppose I can’t force her to carry better coverage for the kids.

I replied briefly that it would “have absolutely no impact on my living arrangements” in custody-state.  I also suggested that we mutually fax the domestic relations office to modify the CS down to $0 (we can do that and they will comply that simply, they’ve done it in the past).  It would save a lot of hassle when it comes time for the official modification.

She let me know briefly that she is “struggling to get by as it is” and hopes that I will pick up the state insurance for the kids.  PEW also wrote that she “couldn’t afford to fall into foreclosure again.” In addition, she asked me to send her a copy of my termination letter from the company, which I would arrange to do after we constructed a letter for the domestic relations and agreed with the contents.  She even offered to give me a bunch of stuff she had to sell on eBay because she had neither the time nor the inclination to do it herself, even saying I could keep the money!  I politely declined.  That would create an unimaginable hassle down the road, for sure, but the gesture was nice just the same.

So, I created a letter for the domestic relations office from the template we used last time we had to make an adjustment for some things and sent it along for her review.  Domestic relations will only do it if they receive a signed copy of the exact letter from each party.

I mentioned before that, while I’m unemployed, it is going to mean that PEW has to pay me child support.  I’m not looking forward to the nuclear explosion that will undoubtedly create (unless I manage to find another job in the near-term), but I’ve made absolutely no mention of that reality and have no plans to.  There was language in the letter that read, “…modifying the current order down to $0 pending a formal review.” A formal review has to be done, this is just a stop-gap until we get there.  PEW sent this email back in response to that verbiage…

LM,

pending a formal review? are you requesting a review? I’m not sure why one would be needed until you get another job?

~PEW

Methinks she knows what will happen if we go to conference/hearing but, like me, is unwilling to let that cat out of the bag.  I replied, “Precisely.  I’m praying it won’t take that long.”

Soon thereafter, I got a text message…

LM - I just have a feeling that somehow, by trying to be cooperative and nice, the kids and I are going to get screwed.

And there it will end.  I’ll do it the formal way, the end result will be the same.  I told her, “I will let you know when there is anything important to discuss.  Discussion over.”

No problem.  No escalation.  All-in-all, an important discussion about a very serious situation.  The moment she says something that will lead to a problem, it ends.  That’s the smart play.  I can’t help her paranoia.  There is nothing I can do to mitigate it.  We’ll just go through the proper channels and maybe, just maybe this time, I will learn the lesson that approaching something with the thought of making it easier on everyone never works.  Next time, just do it all official, the more difficult way, with her having to take at least 1, if not 2 days off from work.

She has no idea the crisis we’re facing as a result of this and everyone is going to “get screwed” because that’s just the way the economy, in combination with the completely screwed up child support system - works.

——————–

Next Update: Child Support continues at previous income, despite having only unemployment compensation, while the wheels on the failure of a child support system slowly turn.

Most bloggers use “Part 1″ or “Part I” so look at me! I’m shaking it up a bit! This’ll be “Part A.”

We’ve heard many a debate over when it is appropriate for your new significant other to meet your children from the prior relationship. I don’t think that there is any real hard-and-fast rule, I tend to think most people tend to believe “after about a year” - figuring that’s a really good time-frame in which to determine whether or not your relationship is “serious.” Obviously, this will vary depending upon the age of the children and, of course, the circumstances as they exist with your ex-spouse, psycho or otherwise.

DW and I had existed in a long-distance relationship, but still one where we saw each other often. Due to our respective custodial situations, it worked out that it was fairly easy to enjoy each other’s company when our arrangements left us without our children. It wasn’t long after we started seeing each other that we mulled over the prospect, discussed our respective positions on the topic and decided, when it happens, it happens, but we’re not going to force the issue and we will take whatever steps necessary to avoid it in the near-term.”

I remember meeting SD1 and SS1 sometime in December of 2004. It was one of those “unavoidable” situations where POE needed some coverage during his custodial time and I happened to be there. I remember sitting on the sofa when they were dropped off. I was reading the paper and made a point of not getting up and being in their faces with some formal introduction. They were youngsters at 5 and 6 and I wanted to remain as unobtrusive as possible. I simply said, “hi” as they came through the door and made a bee-line for their toys. I left it at that. I would follow their lead in terms of talking with them or otherwise interacting with them, without being stand-offish or overtly avoiding them. We just let it all play out on their cues and it worked out rather well. We let POE know of my presence in advance and he was okay with it. The alternative was me cutting my visit short and driving 3+ hours back home and that wouldn’t have been any fun, either. Personable little squirts that they are, it went perfectly well and there didn’t appear to be any discomfort on the part of anyone.

This is what happens when seemingly normal parents operate in the post-divorce situation. While unexpected and I’m sure that there had to be some reservations (that were never divulged to me), it would seem that POE was in one of two mindsets:

1 - It didn’t matter, he needed the children to be watched and he was desperate.

2 - He trusted DW and hoped that I was as good a guy as I’m sure she told him I was. Nothing to fear here.

A very uneventful meeting. To my knowledge there was no arguing, hemming, hawing, crazy emails between the two of them, etc. Dealing with The Psycho Ex-Wife on the other hand, would be a touch more bizarre.  That’s not to say I wasn’t a little anxious at how it would unfold.  I certainly was.  However, they just buzzed in the door, with great big smiles and said, “HI!”  Then, they went about their childhood business like I was just another piece of furniture.  Well, not exactly.  They were friendly and I sat here thinking about it for a moment, it’s hard to imagine how I had gone from swearing off women and relationships 9-months or so earlier, to sitting in DW’s living room and meeting the children for the first time.  SS1 may have even asked me to help with a thing or two during the day, but I don’t recall specifically what it was… shoe-tying or building some toy or something (just letting you know that they didn’t ignore me all day or anything like that).

Part B unfolds in a more surreal fashion…

I’ve already gone into great detail regarding the first Custody Evaluation (CE1) and how horrible the results were for me and the children.  On the advice my my first attorney, I took it upon myself to “try to get whatever custody you can work out” with the PEW, because in his experience, the court typically just rubber-stamps the recommendations of the evaluator.  I was looking at 6-days per month and 5-weeks in the Summer.  That’s it.  How far I had come from 60+% of the custodial time earlier in the Spring of 2004.

Despite all that we had just gone through, right after Thanksgiving (11/29/2004 to be exact) we had a meeting at the house without the children present to try and work something out.  At the time, she was surprisingly civil.  Given my devastating loss during CE, I was definitely not negotiating from a position of strength, but from a position of decided weakness.  I approached this with an “anything more is better than nothing more” mentality and tried very hard without pushing too hard to get her to work with me on a more equal custody schedule.  The evening actually ended with a few tears shed, a brief (if uncomfortable) hug, followed by her departure.  It would seem we had hashed it out and came to a 50/50 arrangement of sorts and a plan to sell the house, split the remaining assets, and move on.  We sat at that kitchen table, stayed on topic, and talked and talked and talked, sometimes with voices raising on both sides, but remained civil.  She knew and acknowledged that relegating me to 6-days per month was not good for the kids.  That meant no homework interaction.  Cooking routines, bedtime routines, wake-up routines, and so on.  I would be weekend dad, like so many others in this country and abroad.  I’m guessing that she also had to think that so much time with the children who she regularly couldn’t stand to have “up her ass 24/7″ would seriously cramp her style. The meeting came about after a phone discussion we had the prior Friday where we seemingly had agreed and then she hedged. Shocker.

If you’ve read any of the previous settlement offer stories, you would know that this one wouldn’t work out in the long run, either.  I was confirming our discussion as I was preparing to send our agreement to my lawyer to draw up for us to both sign. She loved to renege on agreements:

Subject: Confirm This For Me Please

PEW,

I understood our custody agreement from our conversation on Friday to be as follows:

Normal Standard:

- The current custody agreement will remain in force and is as follows:

Father has children Friday evening until Monday morning every week. Every other week, father has children until Tuesday morning.

Mother has children Monday morning until Friday evening every week. Every other week, mother has children Tuesday morning until Friday evening every week.

Additionally, Mother and Father have agreed to make appropriate adjustments through weekday trade or simple concession to allow for Father to have a minimum of 1 weekend “off” per month… Mother to have children from Friday evening until Sunday evening with the Father picking up the children Sunday evening.
————————————-
Vacations: (I don’t think either of us care about how many vacations or what-not… we’ve done pretty well with that.)

- Mother and Father agree to allow for vacations with the children with appropriate notice of not less than 1 week.
————————————
Holidays: (Again, I think that we’re both pretty flexible. I think we can work out most on our own, but for the sake of documenting something) >>>

- Thanksgiving: Father will have the children for Thanksgiving every odd year starting in 2005. Mother will have the children for every even year starting with 2004. Other arrangements may be made if agreed-upon by both parties.

- Christmas: Father will have the children from Christmas Eve night until Christmas Day evening every even year starting in 2004. Mother will have the children every odd year starting in 2005.

(You and I have already traded off this year because you are doing me the favor that allows me to go to [Dear Cousin's] wedding… so this really means that you will also have them for Christmas next year unless we agree to something different. I just didn’t want to list “odd year/even year” for everything because that would mean that we would be without the kids over the “holiday season” on BOTH days and I don’t think either of us want that.)

- Easter: ??? Dunno how much of a consideration it is… but I figured I could have Easter in odd years beginning with 2005 and you could have them for even years starting in 2006. I’m sure that we’ll make other arrangements periodically as well.

Anyway… let me know if that looks reasonable. If it is… I’ll fax it off to my lawyer and he’ll get on it right away and this could be done as soon as this week.

~LM

Clearly, I’ve come a long way from my first efforts at writing agreements. Soon thereafter, was the first hedge on her part.

LM,

I’d actually like to have them mon thru friday every week. Unless I can work my schedule out so that I can have off every other weekend, then you’d have them 2 nights overnight during the week. Because i’d be working two nights during those weeks.

Holidays:
I’m ok with thanksgiving but I think that Christmas should be split a little more equally with one of us having them Christmas eve till Christmas Day at noon. I like the arrangement we have for this year with the boys being dropped off on Christmas eve at bedtime, but I realize that’s a concession on your part. I think the Christmas holiday should alternate too. So for next year, I’d have them Christmas eve to Christmas day at noon. Ok? As far as easter I agree with every other year. It’s cool. This year is your year.

School:
I think that we need to agree so that there are no problems come next year and I think it should be in the agreement.

Let’s not rush this, we can take our time.

~PEW

So, we’ve moved rather dramatically from a several hours conversation on the phone where we appeared to have the basics of the custody worked out to something completely different depending upon what she does, changes, or wants. Too bad for me, I was in no position to get wound up about it. After all, she had that evaluator’s recommendation!

Then came our at-home discussion, which I followed up with:

Subject: Tonight’s Discussion

PEW,

I know this crap has been difficult. I appreciate you giving me a few more minutes in the driveway. I want to settle this without the animosity so that we can move on TOGETHER being nice to one another and doing right by the kids.

I will contact [my lawyer] tomorrow and just so that we’re on the same page, I wanted to reiterate what we discussed tonight:

THE CHILDREN:

The basic schedule to be…

- Mother has the children Monday mornings until Friday evenings each week.
- Father has the children Friday evenings until Monday mornings each week.
- Father is permitted 2 floating weekdays per month to be worked out between Mother and Father.
- Mother is permitted a minimum 1 weekend per month in exchange for weekdays to Father as agreed upon between the two parties.

That covers the 50/50 arrangement and covers the “one weekend off” per month and 2 floating days as we discussed as appropriate.

THE SETTLEMENT:

- Sell the house and split the net proceeds 50/50.
- I pay you $5,000.
- I keep the Van.
- You keep the Car.
- No Alimony.

I will do what it takes to get the house up for sale ASAP as we discussed on the phone. This will settle all matters so that we can get on with our lives FRIENDLY and raise our boys the best we can. Please let me know if I made a mistake in understanding. If not, I will fax it off to [my lawyer] first-thing in the morning once you let me know that this is correct.

~LM

Yes, it gives her time to do it to me again, but remember, I had been burned by time and expense having the lawyer draw up agreements in the past only to have her refuse to sign them. Time, effort, and lots of money wasted. Of course, looking back on it, even her confirmation via email wouldn’t stop that from happening, but what the hell.  Yes, I had resigned myself to the fact that, after her latest appraisal and the significant change in custody forthcoming, I would not be able to afford to keep the house.

Her reply:

LM,

It has been, I’m sure it has been for you too. What you’ve written sounds reasonable. If there is any reasonable way I could keep the van, Id rather that of course. The way you have it written is fine. The only reason I got upset is because I never wanted this in the first place. If we could talk to each other like normal people I’d still be married to you. Because I still think you’re a good person.

Thanks,
PEW

See the “sleight of text.” I agree BUT… I want the van. So much for the agreement.  Part II coming soon…

The wait for the reply is over. At least initially, I was pleasantly surprised and prepared to say, “I was wrong, she came back with a reply that was civil and cooperative.” She did. Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before the backslide began and old habits reared their ugly head. The old habit? An inability to just step up and “be the parent.” So, without much further adieu - the reply regarding yesterday’s request for extra time with the children.

LM,

Actually, camp ends on the 15th for the summer. I had arranged to have my friend T——’s nephew (a teenager) watch them that week, which is fine if you’re working up here and you want to leave them with him during the day at my house and just pick them up after you get done work that’s fine too.

I think it’s only fair that I let you have them early if you want this week since you did that for me when I wanted to go away. Are you guys going somewhere?

~PEW

A couple of things are interesting in this response. That is… aside from the apparent cooperation.

The first - the irony that she has a “teenager” prepared to babysit the children. This is another one of those examples where her rules don’t apply to her, just everyone else. Of course, the first thing I remember is her outrage that I had not one, but TWO very responsible 16-year olds watch the boys for a few hours on New Year’s Eve while DW and I attended a community event. So, it’s okay for her to do that (all day long while she is at work for a full week), but not okay for me to do it for a few hours. She made mention of it in this rant about her safety concerns.

The second - this is a violation of the court order. The childcare provision of our agreement was born of a couple of issues.

#1 - Her repeatedly pulling the children out of agreed-upon childcare and placing them with friends while pocketing my portion of the childcare expenses. (She was ultimately found in contempt-of-court on that issue.)

#2 - Her objections over my early use of a nanny (who happened to be licensed and certified). In order to avoid any more problems, a provision regarding childcare requires:

7 - Childcare: During the school year, the children are to be enrolled in aftercare associated with the school they attend preferably. If not, another licensed daycare facility is permitted as agreed upon in writing by both parties. During the summer period, the children are to be enrolled in a licensed daycare facility, summer camp, or certified nanny as agreed upon in writing by both parties.

So much for her alleged safety concerns and at least she remains consistent in not following court orders. Still, I am pleased with the apparent cooperation!

Well, it didn’t last long. The initial response consititutes an “agreed upon change in writing between both parties.” See my post The Greatest Custody Order/Agreement Clause post. I wrote back:

PEW,

Thanks. If you have day coverage, that would make it MUCH easier. I can cover you on the 20th & 21st. No specific plans, just wanted to have two full weekend days to do stuff. Beach. Bike training. Whatever else we can think of.

~LM

Not long after my agreement to do both, comes the change via text and then email.

Text message 1 from PEW:

The boys freaked when I said they were getting pu early they said that ur not going anywhere.

Text message 2 from PEW:

Can we do it on a weekend u have something special so I don’t have to be a bad guy?

Email from PEW:

LM,

would you like to try to talk to them about this weekend? I felt really bad because they said they feel like they don’t get to spend enough time with me.

~PEW

It was nice while it lasted. It’s astounding, given how many times I’ve been deliberately put into the position of “bad guy” because she didn’t want to parent, discipline, explain appropriately, etc. because of her. This link explains it pretty well: Why Our Sons Will Struggle with Discipline. It is one of many examples sprinkled throughout this blog. Here she is, incapable of taking advantage of a perfect opportunity to explain to the children that mom and dad are cooperating and put down their clear attempt to manipulate the situation. Again, I will not bail her out.

PEW,

No, not particularly. What I would like is for you to tell them that we’ve made a schedule adjustment, as I have for you in the past and it would be nice to just spend a weekend doing things instead of spending one of the days interrupted by an exchange.

What I won’t do is get into a situation where they’re manipulating the situation into that one of us (whether it is you or me) have some “expectation” that something “special” needs to be done for them… on their terms. An explanation that we’re cooperating with one another for a change is all the reason that they need.

~LM

At this point, I’m not sure that the early pick-up this week is going to happen. Of course, that will be another violation of the custody order and the question becomes, do I point that out and go pick up the children anyway? We know that will only escalate the situation, but I am well within my rights to do just that. Of course, it will be met with the flaming email barrage which will be ignored.

In any event…

LM,

Fine. I’ll talk to them. As for the 20th and 21st, I just need you to take them overnight on the 20th. I’ll be coming home thursday night around 7 or 8ish, so I’ll just have someone watch them till I get home. On Friday morning I’m going to take them to [parent's vacation home] for the weekend, so just confirm, ok?

I also wanted to talk to you about school supplies. I have lists and I am wondering if you will split the cost with me this year because I am broke, as you know?

~PEW

Aren’t we all? In the same breath that she informs me she is taking off from work to drive several hours for a weekend vacation - she’s telling me to split the school supplies because she’s broke. Did you catch that?

PEW,

I’m confirming everything with one exception. I’ll pick them [up] on Thursday and take them home and feed them and we can arrange to exchange as you get closer to home.

Email me the school supplies list.

~LM

Finally, from PEW: “Fine LM. I have the lists at home, I’ll try to remember to bring them tomorrow.”