The Psycho Ex Wife

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Continuing from Negotiating with a Terrorist Part V…

At the end of the last exchange, I drew my line in the sand and was prepared to hold my ground.  Giving in again only meant that she would up the ante as she has consistently done in the past.  I was tired of her “pay me more money or I’ll litigate” threat and essentially told her to go ahead and litigate. So she came back with this…

PEW:

LM,

Well, I want primary physical custody. Sun night thru friday. One weekend per month.

I’ll take the car and the $5g, since that’s what you’re stuck on.

Just like we talked about, but I’m not giving up primary after all I went though. It was [custody evaluator #1's] proffessional opinion that the children’s best interest would be served that way and that’s the way it should be. Like I said, I’ll be filing for a court date on monday. Please spare me wasting my time reading any more useless emails. I have nothing else to add. I was never taking the $5g in lieu of the van. I was taking it because of the fact that you’ve made alot more money than me in the 401k. You’re not thinking about the kids, you’re thinking about #1, and that’s you.

~PEW

Comment: Knucklehead just refuses to get it. It doesn’t matter how much money was made or contributed to the 401Ks. We were splitting the combined 401Ks 50-50!!! Keep in mind, she was getting half of both my contributions and earnings which occurred during a period of time where she was contributing NOTHING… and still she thinks she’s getting “ripped off.” Entitlement of the highest order.

LM:

PEW,

Then everything should be at your attorney’s office today. I will call the realtor and schedule a meeting time once everything is signed off. Additionally, I will sign the consent for divorce, too.

~LM

PEW:

LM,

Then everything should be at your attorney’s office today. I will call the realtor and schedule a meeting time once everything is signed off. Additionally, I will sign the consent for divorce, too.

~PEW

There, the negotiation ended. Or so I thought. A couple of things occurred which would see me screw myself unintentionally out of custodial time with the children. I made the mistake, my attorney didn’t catch it, and I was stuck. Further, one mistake I did find was corrected before it became a huge problem. My attorney’s administration made a typo that turned that $5,000 into $50,000. I nearly pooped myself because I knew the agreement was already on its way to her attorney. But my frantic phone calls and emailing her detailing the nature of the error ultimately got it corrected.

Soon thereafter, I got this… (more about the money for who?)

PEW:

LM,Your attorney will be getting the agreement back with a few minor changes. One being that the $70/month alimony will end upon the divorce decree not signing the agreement. I think that was really the only issue.

~PEW

Minor changes? In PEW’s mind only.   APL wasn’t “$70/month” - it was a little over $200/month.  The minor changes included:

1. Giving her a “90-day warranty” on the car.  Yep, anything goes wrong with the car, I pay for the repairs.
2. Instead of the alimony ending when we sign-off, the alimony will continue until the divorce decree is issued (buying her a few extra months of cash, surprise… surprise…)
3. I pay her back any lost profit due to having to defer a payment of the mortgage.   The unmitigated gall of someone who never contributed a dime towards the mortgage except in the rare emergency situation and who had paid NOTHING towards it in years.

Still, I signed-off on all of them.  I was out of time.  I was out of money.  I was out of patience.  I just wanted it over and I had gotten 50/50 custody of the children back… or so I thought.

But, the “negotiations” were over at this point.  We both signed-off on the agreement, I put the house up for sale, and began to look into finding appropriate housing for the future, very sad that the boys had to be uprooted again with unforeseen changes coming againt to their lives due to the sheer greed (and nothing else) of their idiot mother… who will have spent more in legal fees than she got in this settlement.

Continued from Negotiating with a Terrorist - Part IV…

With the costs of everything to this point in time (December 2004) and the Psycho Ex-Wife having had the house reappraised at a higher figure than when she decided to walk out… I was sinking fast and couldn’t stay in the house much longer. It was time to start getting out from under the strain and take the next step in this process. The housing market was RED HOT at that time, but we still couldn’t be certain how long it might take to sell the marital home.

LM:

PEW,

I didn’t jerk you around. We came to an agreement, and again, you rescinded. I’m very sorry about that. I’m very sorry we have to go to court.

I’ll be in touch about what we’re going to do about the mortgage… I can’t pay it, so our option are:

- Default.
- You and I have to sign-up for an interest-only refinance asap so that I can continue to afford to make the payments without our credit getting wrecked.

Please let me know right away how you wish to proceed because this is a HUGE issue that has a significant impact on both of our futures.

Please advise right away and I can schedule an appointment with the bank to refi the loan into an interest-only mortgage until the equitable distribution matter is settled. We need to hurry because the mortgage was due yesterday and the grace period expires very soon. The interest only refinance is the only way for us to protect our credit.

~LM

PEW:

LM,

No, you can move out. I’ll move in and pay the mortgage until it sells. The house needs to get up for sale regardless. Don’t try to threaten and manipulate me. I need to call [my attorney] ASAP obviously if you are about to default on our mortgage.

~PEW

Comment: Call her attorney for what? Is the attorney somehow magically going to make me pay a mortgage that I don’t have the ability to pay? I wonder if there will come a day that she’ll realize that she probably more than doubled her legal fees with such silliness.

LM:

PEW,

I’m not threatening nor manipulating you. My finances are what they are and WE’RE in a bind because WE can’t come to a fair agreement. I offered all I can and you want to litigate (again).

I’m giving you the courtesy of a head’s up and we need to do something about this. I can’t “move out” today, so if you want to go ahead and pay the mortgage for December… let me know. Otherwise, instead of reacting angrily, please consider the options that we have before us… and I will start asking around to see if I can get into someplace quickly.

~LM

PEW:

LM,

If I am going to be living there for Dec. I’ll pay the mortgage. I was willing to move into the house in Sept and share expenses. You didn’t want that. You get out. I’ll pay the mortgage. What happened to listing it? Who is this person your brother used? Do you need me to make the call?

Basically what we’re litigating over is the Van. How bout I drive the van till may? Then we sell it.  This is another one of those situations where if it’s not your way it’s the highway, there’s no negotiating. I don’t want to litigate this but like I said…..you want to split hairs, I might as well, I’ve lived in hell this long what’s a few more months.

~PEW

Comment: Is that what you call breaking into the house without warning, threatening to shoot me, and then starting fights for two days… “offering to stay in the house and share expenses” ??? This is the type of fiction she creates for herself regularly and worse, actually believes! Again, she is trying to leverage her cash payout by using the threat of more legal fees to get me to spend it one way or the other. Is there any doubt that she cares about nothing else? Not the kids. Not even herself. Dumb as a rock.

LM:

PEW,

I told you before… I cannot give you the van and the cash.

I’m flexible here, you are not. You can tell yourself otherwise from now until doomsday… but all I’ve done is come up and up and up with the settlement offers.

You make the choice:

- 50/50 house, van, no alimony… we’re settled.
- 50/50 house, $5,000 cash, car, no alimony… we’re settled.

YOU made the decision the other night. If you insist on litigation, we’ll put the house up when the judge says so.

Don’t you realize that even if [your attorney's] 60/40 is in the offing, and let’s use 100G for the sake of simple math…

You would get 60G I would 40G… and then IF [your attorney's] conservative estimate for pre-marital equity is accurate… it becomes 55G.

The offer on the table is 50G + 5G cash and the car.

Why you want to litigate this defies explanation unless you are just out to be vindictive and make this difficult not only on me, but on the boys?

Is your object to bankrupt me so that the kids have no future… no two happy homes to reside in? I mean, are you really thinking of the children here?

Is approximately $55,000 dollars and a car in perfect working order just not enough for you?

You say sell the van? I’m offering you half of what is expected to be gotten by selling it, and then what are you left with in May? No vehicle? How does any of this make any sense, PEW, I don’t understand.

[Your attorney's] response is to go 50/50 (non-house sale) and if we don’t force litigation, she will pursue more in court. I’ve done what I can to do a similar proposal, post-sale.

I’ve offered 50/50 post-house sale (since we know I can’t keep it)… and an even swap on vehicles (either car and cash or van and no cash).

Do you think a judge will look favorably upon your agreement to settle and then rescind again? This really seems silly to me. I want to settle. I’ve made every effort to settle. You’ve agreed and now you’ve backed out again. Every time I offer something more, you ask for something additional, even after you agreed. What happened to the good feelings and positive outlook we had in the last few days to turn you so angry and defiant again?

~LM

Comment: She is a stone-cold frigging idiot. (And so am I for repeatedly trying to use rationale and logic with twisted personality like The PEW.)

PEW:

LM,

I’m not angry or defiant. I just was thinking about the fact that I have to drive S1 to and from school for the rest of the year. I’m not so confident that the car is going to be reliable. I don’t want to litigate like I said. You’re the one who is not negotiating. All I asked for is more time to think and all the sudden you’re defaulting on the mortgage…..taking me to court etc… It’s more of the same from you LM….more of the same. I do want friendly, coparenting, and all that….I also want what is fair and equitable. Is there no price on what you’ve done to me this year?

~PEW

Comment: Oh, but of course… the oft-used price tag for the alleged horrors she has suffered all these years. I cannot begin to remember how many times those of you who have written told me that you’ve heard this one in various versions. The projection continues… she’s the one not negotiating, she’s the one threatening to call her attorney, she’s the one threatening court, she wants more time while complaining at the same time about how much time it has taken… and she still writes (and believes) that it’s me who is doing it. “Batshit crazy” is a term I’ve seen used in similar circumstances.

LM:

PEW,

I do not want to get into a debate over who has done what to whom… who has filed what against whom… we had made our apologies for how things have transpired during our recent discussions… and I thought we agreed to move on.

I’m not “defaulting” on the mortgage… we have options and we’re going to have to work together to protect both of our interests. That likely means agreeing to refi to an interest-only mortgage so that I can maintain the house while we get matters settled and put it up for sale. If you want to be stubborn and uncooperative, there is a risk there… for BOTH of us.

I have negotiated to death here. My first couple of offers were in an effort to be fair based on the sale price of the original appraisal. You didn’t agree, and I can appreciate that. I’ve come up more than twice since then and now we are at 50/50 based upon the post-sale price of the house and me going with [your attorney's] extremely conservative pre-marital equity figure.

We came to terms the other night and now you are backing out and accusing ME of “taking you to court” and “my way or the highway.” I asked you what you expected and you told me. I asked you if you would take the car and $5,000 cash instead of the van and you said yes. If you want the van, tell me so, but don’t now say… “I want the van and $5,000 cash.” That’s not negotiating PEW and contrary to your contention, it is “your way or the highway” - not mine.

I’m negotiated out. You are walking away with a little bit more than 50% of everything. That’s fair. That’s equitable… and it stops the contentiousness, the litigation, the costs, and the heartache. The court will look at facts and figures, not at how much harm you feel has been perpetrated upon you with all of the filings that you have initiated and my reaction to same.

Continuing this way is only robbing the boys of our ability to provide them the best future possible. I’m praying you realize that before everything goes really south and we have credit problems, continue to pay lawyers… continue to roll up costs… The money we spend is taking from them.

I’m not backing out of our agreement here. If you DON’T want the car and the cash, take the van. But don’t come to me saying, I want the van and the cash… and then accuse me of being the one saying “my way or the highway.” It’s not fair, and it’s not the truth. You’re the one with the choice here. All you have to do is tell [your attorney] to switch from the car and cash to the van, sign it, send it back, and I’ll sign off on it. If you are going to hold out for the van and the cash, I’m sorry about that.

~LM

Repeat myself much? The only think I left out was Graaaawwwwkk! POLLY WANNA CRACKER!!!

It’s almost over, folks… to be continued…

Continued from Negotiating with a Terrorist - Part III…

After the last clear explanation of where we stood financially, the classic PEW history re-write began in earnest.

PEW:

I was only employed full time for one year since S1 was born. And there was six months where I wasn’t earning anything. You have more education than me because we both felt that your education was more of an issue. I don’t have a degree and I’m not even close to having one. As it is right now, I could never earn what you earn. You have certificates and you have to be close to getting your Associates. (or should be) and [your employer] gives you tuition reimbursement. I don’t have that at my work.I have had to pay rent in an apt. for 8 months because you wouldn’t sell the house a year ago like you said you would. We knew for a long time that the marriage was going downhill. How can I be benefitting from the appreciation of the house between legal bills and rent, electric, etc…etc…

We don’t have to hold everything up. Here’s what you have to think about; The alimony and the premarital equity are a wash. You would wind up having to pay alimony because I left a lucritave career to care for the children while supporting you in your continuing education and career. I’m still making less than I was at [your employer's] after S1 was born. I should get a portion of your 401k because I should if you don’t realize that then I can’t help you. You should just give me the van because it is your doing that I have to drive S1 from [my town] to [your town] and back every single day of school till June. That was your doing. Or we can sell it and split the difference between the Van/Car etc…. I know you don’t think I deserve anything. That much is clear.

I [wouldn't] give up primary physical custody……JUST because I know you don’t want to pay the additional support AND because you claim you’re not going to be vindictive anymore which is the whole reason I had to file for it in the first place. You threatened to take the kids out of state and I’d never see them again (remember that) I wasn’t taking any chances, I wanted a court order in place.

I’m taking my time. You think about this. I’m not trying to be mean, this is me and the boys future I’m dealing with.

~PEW

LM:

PEW, I have never, ever threatened to take the children out of state, ever. It’s clear you don’t want to resolve this and I understand. I take it from your latest reversal that we’ll have to go to court then. I will let [my lawyer] know. I’m sorry we couldn’t work this out.

~LM

PEW:

LM,

yep, and like [custody evaluator 1] and the support master…the judge will see exactly what I’ve been dealing with for the past 10 years. You are transparent. And it’s going to cost you more money in the end than what I am asking for here. Good Luck to you. As I have been since the outset….I’m confident.

I will tell [my attorney] to file the petition on monday. If you have anything additional it needs to be said before monday……via email. Once they do the paperwork it’s done. I’m tired of having to pay money for you to jerk me around.

~PEW

She should be confident. In the face of all that transpired over the course of those previous 6-months, to have the custody evaluation come out the way it did would be a boost to any criminal’s confidence. I still laugh at her giving up her “lucritave” career. She gave up nothing for me. Nothing. She only ever stayed out of work long enough to realize that, while we could certainly make ends meet, there wasn’t going to be much disposable income. She made a good wage doing a good job and ended up giving it up when her personality actually reared it’s ugly head once or twice in the workplace.  People started to see her for who she really was.

Items for the bizarre list (her projection meter was pegged during this exchange)…

- “We both felt that your education was more of an issue.”

We never discussed any such thing. What she wrote is complete fantasy. We were both continuing our educations on the company’s dime. She just quit.

- “The alimony and pre-marital equity are a wash.”

They are not. She was getting temporary spousal support until the matter was litigated. She simply was not getting alimony once everything had been settled.

- “I wouldn’t give up primary custody just because I know you don’t want to pay the additional support.”

That’s my favorite and one you hear women say often. Men only want custody because they don’t want to pay support. They almost always say that as if it excludes the reality that they only want primary custody so that they can maximize support. This argument, no matter who makes it, is ludicrous on so many levels it’s almost not worth discussing. Maybe in a later post. Still, even in the context above, you can see that her primary motivation is money. She wouldn’t give up custody because she knows it means I’ll pay less money to her. Reality… catch it.

- “It’s going to cost you more money in the end than what I’m asking for here.”

Extortion, plain and simple. She’s clearly and boldly stating that she is leveraging the reality that it will cost more money to litigate than to pay her ransom demands. Of course, she was just too frigging stupid to recognize that her choices to litigate anything and everything completely wiped out the money she would get when the house sold.  (Not to mention that she always upped the ante anytime I agreed to a higher number anyway.)

To be continued…

Continuing from Negotiating with a Terrorist - Part II…

At this point, the downhill acceleration of the emails progressed.  Different from parts 1 and 2, these will show the splits between the two of us as I habitually would address each section, as if I thought it would do any good whatsoever.  I was still steeply embroiled in the need to explain, re-explain, and - given my poor negotiating position, essentially beg for understanding which would never come.

PEW:

I am in $10000 of debt because of you and you want to split hairs over the van. When I was keeping the van you wanted money thrown your way, with you keeping it…..that’s it. Let’s sell the van or sell both cars. Split the difference, that seems alot more fair.

LM:

I’m not splitting hairs over the van, nor do I want to. I didn’t ask for money and the van. You did. I told you I couldn’t do that. If you really want the van, then let’s split the house 50/50 and you keep the van and we’re done - that’s what I originally said. I told you I couldn’t give you the van and that cash and 50/50. I never wanted the van and cash. In the driveway you made it clear that you needed the money more than the van and that’s when you agreed to take $5G and the car.

PEW:

I have reservations about sharing custody 50/50. You’re claiming you want what’s best for them, but seriously is it just that you’re over a barrel right this minute?? It feels like you’re manipulating me again.

LM:

It has nothing to do with “being over a barrel.” I think that the recommendation that I only get the kids 6 days per month is ridiculous. It’s not fair to me. It’s certainly not fair to them. I’m not “manipulating” you in any way. I can’t change the fact that this wasn’t done last March. All I can do is put this to an end cooperating with you now. If that’s not something you want to do, I can’t change that. I’m sorry. If you now don’t want to agree to what we discussed, it’s not like I have a choice. I’ll just go to court and try my best to show the court that I deserve to be a father to my children for more than 6 days per month.

If you want to change the agreement we made from 50/50 house, $5G, car (and we’re done) to 50/50, Van (and we’re done), let’s do it.

If you want to hold this up more, that’s your choice, but understand that when mortgage payments start getting missed, we’ll both suffer far beyond what we’ve both already suffered. I certainly don’t want that. I don’t want to go to court anymore. You said you didn’t either. I certainly don’t want that.

All we spoke of is turning things around and trying to repair everything, and now you don’t want to. Forgive me if I just don’t get it. It’s just a shame that we’re going to have to go to court over this when we finally seemed to have found some common ground. Again, I’m not mad, I’m just really, really confused over your sudden reversal.

PEW:

The 5g’s was because I did[n't] work full time for 6 years or have an opportunity to contribute to a retirement plan. It didn’t have to do with the car vs. van. To you, I was just sponging off you for the past 6 years right? That’s what you said. I didn’t contribute anything right? You don’t think I derserve alimony or derserve any of your 401k.

LM:

PEW, I never said you were “sponging” off of me, please stop doing this.

Here are the facts:

- The difference between the vehicles and retirements is approximately $5,000 going to you. (this is with you getting the van)

- [Your lawyer's] conservative estimate on pre-marital equity in the house is approximately $5,000 going to me.

Those two items are a wash. You’re not getting ripped off. I am not taking advantage of you. These are using the numbers YOUR attorney put down. What we’ve agreed to considers the retirements, the vehicles, and the house at 50/50.

That leaves the house at 50/50.

I don’t owe you alimony. You’re gainfully employed and well-educated. You have been gainfully employed, full time, for a large portion of the last 6 years. You were PT for a few years after the birth of S1 and for a short period after the birth of S2.

I can’t be any more clear and I don’t know what there is to think about. If you don’t want to do it, just tell me so and we’ll go to court. I won’t be mad, I will be confused, I will be frustrated, but this is your choice. For months you’ve spoken of settling matters fairly and trying to continue amicably, as friends, co-parenting and what-not. We’ve both made some mistakes along this miserable experience and want to change things. Forgive me if I’m astounded that you think what amounts to what will likely be in excess of $50,000 is somehow “taking advantage of you.”

PEW:

We don’t have to hold up the sale of the house LM. Sell it. We’ll split the proceeds. That much we agree on. To say that you would start missing payments is ridiculous.

LM:

It’s not ridiculous. I have to make payments on the house. You want alimony yet, you’ve been benefitting not only from the appreciation in the house, but the significant principle that has been paid down since the beginning of the year. Think about that. That figure that you’re not considering is in excess of $10,000… an amount equal to your legal bill. I have legal fees, too.

Tell me again how I have taken advantage of you?

I don’t have the money to make the mortgage payments. This is not a lie. This is not forcing you to do anything. I’m giving you fair warning that things are tight and I cannot continue to make payments on this house. The longer you “think about it” - the more it costs us BOTH… and we’re at a point where we need to come to terms with our future without wrecking our chances to provide for these two boys.

PEW:

I’m asking for some more time. The last 8 months of my life have been horrible. I was a little overwhelmed by your niceness the other day. It’s been about a year since you spoke to me so kindly. As is my history, people take advantage of me. I can’t let that happen here.

LM:

I am not taking advantage of you. You have the facts and figures, PEW. I think it’s unfair to say that it has been a year since I’ve spoken to you kindly. With only a few exceptions, we’ve spoken nicely on the phone when we call to talk to the children. We’ve spoken nicely when we’ve done the child-exchanges. We’ve gone to school events for the boys and been nice to one another.

Can’t we go into the holidays with our eyes on the end of the combativeness and looking to the future?

The choice is yours here, PEW. You can’t accuse me of holding things up or making things difficult for you. The agreements we made the other night are MORE than fair to the both of us. If we can agree… the house is up for sale, the cars are signed over, the consent for divorce is signed… and we’re on our way to getting the children settled in their new homes and new schools and we have nothing more to fight about. Seriously.

Difficult discussions, yes. As you can see, there isn’t much to hassle over. It’s pretty straightforward what we have to split, and using the rather favorable figures offered by her attorney, the above is precisely how it should be split. I explained it clearly (I think). But… as has always been the case with every story I’ve read from anyone trying to settle almost any matter with someone suffering from or suspected of having Borderline Personality Disorder - it’s just never that cut and dry… no matter how cut and dry things actually are.

She’ll complain about the length of time, energy, and money she’s spent while in the same breath making overtures of extending each of those categories almost indefinitely.

Coming soon, Negotiating with a Terrorist Part IV…

Continuing from Negotiating with a Terrorist - Part I…

Her last email was followed up with the following, much more urgently worded stop sign…

LM,

Please hold off on sending anything to [your lawyer]. I need some more time to think about this. Honestly I don’t know how comfortable I am with how quickly you want to move this forward. I also don’t know how I feel about the car. I’m locked into driving S1 to school everyday for the rest of the year….and back. And S2 too for that matter. I need time to think about the whole custody issue too.

I need more time.

Thanks,
PEW

In matter of hours we’ve gone from an agreement… to disagreement over a vehicle detail… to disagreement on pretty much EVERY detail. Thanks? Oh, okay. You’re welcome. Ass.

Still, I’m negotiating from a position of weakness and I try to maintain decorum, civility, and nudge this towards an end. I reply…

PEW,

I can’t force you to do anything. But you have to understand something… I want to move forward in a positive direction and it seemed as though we were kicking that off in the right direction. Unfortunately, [my lawyer] has probably already mailed everything to [your lawyer's] office, so I can’t stop that now.

The longer this continues… the more it costs the both of us. I told you already that things are getting tight with the house and I cannot continue to pay for it… that will become a problem very soon. We need to put this to rest and move on, PEW.

I can’t keep going around in circles with you. You want to settle, then you don’t. Then you want to settle then you don’t. Then you want to settle, we actually work out an agreement, and two days later you don’t want to settle. I can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep doing this.

What happened to wanting to stop the madness and move on amicably and do what’s best for the children? I’m really trying here.

~LM

That pretty much sums it up. We can end the madness or not. My belief in my understanding of borderline personality disorder leads me to believe that if we end the madness, we end her reason for existing.

LM,

It’s just that you’ve been nothing but horrible since last February. I am in $10,000 of debt because of you and you want to split hairs over the van. When I was keeping the van you wanted money thrown your way, with you keeping it….. that’s it. Let’s sell the van or sell both cars. Split the difference, that seems alot more fair.

I have reservations about sharing custody 50/50. You’re claiming you want what’s best for them, but seriously is it just that you’re over a barrel right this minute??? It feels like you’re manipulating me again.

All this stuff you’re doing right now, should have been done last March. I’m thinking about this.

~PEW

I’ve been nothing but horrible to her. I filed nothing more than a counter-petition when she blind-sided me with the surprise custody petition. Everything else she has filed… injunctions, hearings over school, custody of the children, and has seen to it that her attorney has read, reviewed, accepted, rejected every bit of correspondence to that point… and I cost her. Everything that has occurred to this point (and beyond) was due to her taking action and incurring the costs. Everything. As always, it’s all someone else’s fault. Namely me.

And remember the repeated assertions about it always being about the money for me? Here, she suggests that we sell both vehicles, taking a big financial hit, and both be left without vehicles just so that she can have more cash, regardless of the horrible position it would leave either her or both her and I. All about the money for who? For the psycho ex-wife.

From here it would continue to disintegrate. Part III coming soon…