The Psycho Ex Wife

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Finally.  Continuing from the last update earlier this week…

On the 5th, I had a frustrating consultation with my attorney.  It’s tough to walk the fine line between being diplomatically firm and getting into an argument over trivial matters.  Details aren’t necessary, but after 4-hours I was frustrated because, despite my best efforts to move past what I’m pretty confident were impertinent matters so as not to waste time and my money, there was too much wasted time.  At least 90-minutes.  That’s a lot of money we don’t have to waste on trivial matters.

Just over 5 months after proceedings were initiated, several fruitless conferences, several mistakes, a few continuances, the occasional crazy email and bizarre offers - the hearing for the CS modification happens.

After all of the petitions, counter-petitions, withdrawel and re-entry of petitions, multiple conflicting calculations from “Support Masters” who appear to not have mastered either the state statutes nor a calculator, our position (reviewed too many times) was that the order from 2007 should be terminated due to a significant change in circumstances as of June 29th.  From that point forward (or until I get a freakin’ job) - the psycho ex-wife is allegedly required to pay me approximately $480/month in child support says my attorney: “according to the state’s guidelines.” However, that doesn’t mean that the other side cannot argue that measures including the imputation of income (”earning capacity”), which would be wholly inappropriate at this time “according to the state’s guidelines.”

The bottom line?  I’m just back from the debacle, and I have to pay PEW child support due to my “earnings capacity” for the year.  What is my earnings capacity you say?  Well, the judge has the “discretion” to average all of my earnings for the year.  The unused vacation back to the beginning of the year + the 10-weeks severance + what I will get from unemployment through the end of the year and claim that is what my “salary” is for 2009.  After D-Mac came back from conferencing with the judge, she informed me that the judge was definitely going to average all that income for the year, but based upon a variety of extenuating factors, he was unsure as to which option he was going to take.  There were 4 which took into and out-of account… the alleged rent Pscyho-SIL was paying… summer camp… half/whole, etc… and the range saw a possible decrease from $400 to $368 up to a possible increase from $400 to $587.  D-Mac’s advice given what the judge’s intentions were… just keep the current order in place at $400/month.  Getting $0 was a long-shot.  PEW paying child support “wasn’t going to happen today.”

This is what is so maddening about the system.  “Judicial discretion.” So, in the judge’s estimation, averaging the income made the most sense despite the fact that it is not what my current income is.  So I, at approximately $29K gross/annualized unemployment, am paying child support to PEW who makes something near $48,000 gross/annualized.

So much for the “best interests of the children.” We have 50/50 custody.  She is currently making more money than me.  I’m having a dreadful time finding work.  And taking $400/month income from me does nothing to help the children when they are with me.  It hurts them.  It hurts everyone.  Well, except the psycho ex-wife.

Keep in mind, much of this is my fault, with the ill-timed filings (not knowing what the ultimate outcome of the whole severance issue was going to be).  So, after about $4,000 in legal fees… nothing has changed except that our household will be $400/month lighter, she will have $400/month continued tax-free income out of my unemployment compensation, and I’m really going to have to keep plugging away and praying that I can find ANY job (that pays more than unemployment) sooner rather than later.

Rather than spend another 4-hours in legal fees and going through arduous testimony, I took D-Mac’s advice and the hearing was averted… again.  It just didn’t make any sense to incur additional expenses knowing that the outcome was a foregone conclusion and may have resulted in an increase.

I took some private time in a back room to let go of some emotion and then re-grouped so that I could leave the building and head home to a tremendously deflated DW.

This is why the system is so completely fucked up.  Mine is one of thousands of stories that is taking place every single day across this country and abroad.  The system will spare no effort to make sure that the father has to pay the mother no matter the serious and unexpected financial circumstances.  While I’m not sure what efforts D-Mac may or may not have made in terms of explaining to the judge that if I’m made to pay child support right now, I could lose the apartment, which means losing custody of the children, which would result in another increase in child support, which I wouldn’t be able to pay, which would result in the ever-increasing punitive measures:  loss of license (making job hunting more difficult) and ultimately - jail for failure to pay child support and getting tossed on the heap of unfortunate fathers who get the “deadbeat” label… but it would appear that it wouldn’t have mattered one iota.

PEW is the entitled one. Fuck me.  Fuck DW.  Fuck the kids.  Pay up, dad.

There is your update.  Have a great day.

The following story is offered with the understanding that I have not checked the facts in the story.  I don’t know the names of those involved in the story.  It is simply another to toss on the growing pile of stories that can best be described as “horror stories.” I choose to post it because it’s all too believable.

Andem4, a reader, writes:

Not sure if I mentioned this story before, but a former close friend of mine was married to a guy with a serious PEG (Psycho Ex-Girlfriend).  The PEG was a drug addict, worked for cash under the table, collected all kinds of state assistance, plus a huge amount in child support.  They were in Canada.

My friend had 2 children with her husband.  They managed to buy a small house, and his PEG saw dollar signs.  She filed for a support increase, including back payments.  Since the government was paying her all kinds of benefits since she was “poor single mom,” they jumped on the bandwagon of making the father pay it all.  They not only calculated support based on his “household income” (both his and my friend’s), but they looked at all assets he had (the house) and granted her 33%.

She had alienated the child against my friend (step-mom) from the start, and when the kid hit teen years, the alienation extended to the father.

When the final appeal failed, they were forced to sell their house and move in with my friend’s mother.  My friend had asked the judge in the case about how her children were expected to be taken care of when their household income was going to the PEG.  The response from the judge was, “He shouldn’t have had anymore children. The first born child always comes first.”

So they were broke, homeless, and facing a huge bill of about $30,000 in arrears for the years of backpayment.  At the time, my friend made a little more than $30k/yr, while her DH made $50k as mechanic.  The small amount of equity from the sale of the house all went to PEG.  The worst part was that the child was the product of a one-night-stand the guy had when he was 20, and she told him she was on birth control (a lie).  He tried to make a go of it with her, but did not marry her.  He left when the child was about 3, and met my friend when the child was 5.

The final straw was when a man they knew going through a similar issue killed himself.  He could not face putting his family through anymore of the nightmare, so he ended it. That was actually the second suicide in the area of this type.  My friend asks to meet me at a shopping mall.  There she tells me they are leaving the country and going into hiding.  She said she couldn’t tell me where, nor would she be able to contact me once gone.  All ties with family were going to be cut so no one would be able to find them.  Shortly after that, they were gone.

I did hear from her about a year later.  They established themselves in a place that would not enforce extraditing him for the child support.  They had a VERY hard life there, but at least they could feed their kids and were able to go day to day without the nightmare.  She also told me some of the family had been hounded by the PEG, but she somehow managed to keep her lifestyle without collecting the $30,000.  I guess the government continued to take care of her and her heroin addiction.

I haven’t heard from her in over 4 years, and I have no way to reach her.  I hope they have managed to get a decent life for themselves, PEG free.

Given the sheer volume of stories like this I see, both privately (via internet contact) and even in the media - this isn’t hard to believe.

My observations:

• I’m fairly familiar with the reality that in some countries, fathers have it even worse than here in terms of child support, child custody, and spousal support (alimony).  Canada is certainly one of those places.
• Men are more than 4-times more likely to commit suicide than women.  It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that a sizeable chunk of those victims did so out of the stress and hopelessness associated with trying to obtain reasonable custody of their children and pay a reasonable child support figure.
• Sadly, this guy was another foolish victim of the “I’m on the pill” gags and lead with his penis rather than his brain on the night in question.  For that, he and that child will be burdened for the rest of their lives.
• I firmly believe that if you want to have an effective deterrent to teenage sexual activity or any irresponsible sexual activity - these are the types of stories that would go a long way towards scaring the shit out of kids today.

It’s been a while since the last job loss & child support modification update from June 24, 2009, but barring any unforeseen circumstances, the hearing will finally take place at the end of this week.  This morning I woke up to the following bizarre email in my inbox.  It’s similar to others seen that have been proffered before, but it’s no less annoying.

LM,

I’m trying to touch base because I got the recommendation and it seems like a total waste of time to me to go to a hearing? To be honest, I don’t know how you are affording rent and all the other expenses of staying up here, PLUS the gas and everything? I don’t even think it’s been a good arrangement for the kids to go back and forth between the houses during the school year. I spoke to the kids and they said they would rather stay here during school and see you on weekends. This is not what the judge intended and you know it. I’ve offered this before and I’ll offer again….if you’re going to stay up here, then on your weeks, you and DW stay here and I’ll stay at my parents. There’s no hidden agenda except that the kids have the stability of staying in this house because honestly, now that [Psycho-SIL] is gone, I don’t know if I can keep it. It’s the only constant thing they’ve had. It is seriously time to put all the crap aside…I didn’t do anything to deserve this. I don’t see how it can be a bad thing your you and DW, it’s much nicer than the apartment and I will even clear my stuff out of the bedroom.

~PEW

This is a typical effort by her.  Once she believes she has the upper-hand in a legal situation, she tries her very best to come across as a reasonable person willing to just stop the litigation and “do the right thing.”  I’m not even saying she doesn’t have the upper hand, however, the Support Master’s recommendation isn’t the only way to conclude this matter.  It’s not even the first way.  As long as the right thing is giving up custody, paying her money, and giving-in to her every demand, no matter how unreasonable.

If she were a normal, reasonable, understanding person, I would explain to her a few things:

1. We’re not “affording it.”  Unemployment insurance, while paying me a decent sum, isn’t covering all of the normal expenses for the cottage because I’m still paying child support out of it at a rate that was agreed-upon based upon my employment income.  Because the state is continuing to award YOU money out of my unemployment, it’s been very, very difficult.
2. Of course she doesn’t think it’s a “good arrangement for the kids” because it’s not her arrangement.  If it’s not “what the judge intended” - the judge wouldn’t have ordered it.
3. She is again speaking to the children about legal matters which is in violation of the court order.  I can assure you of this, the children have, on several occasions, volunteered that they are very happy with the week-on/week-off arrangement.  Going back to the very beginning, it’s all that they ever wanted after I was relegated to non-custodial status and they were often upset at how infrequently they were able to be with me.
4. She suggests similar situations depending upon how the circumstances could be changed to benefit her.  Back in 2007 when she was the “NCP” during the summer… she repeatedly said that week-on/week-off would be most beneficial to the children.  Imagine that!  One time, when S1 was being particularly difficult with her, she suggested that she have full custody of S2 and I have custody of S1.  Imagine that!

There is a hidden agenda.  As long as there exists a situation where I will pay her money, that’s the “best situation for the children.”

As for the recommendation from the Support Master’s office, I will say again… the calculation is done based upon imputing income to me.  The dreaded “earning capacity.”  However, my earning capacity is only as good as there are people willing to hire me.  Right now, I can assure you that I have never gone through a period so long where I couldn’t even get so much as a phone call.  Generally, imputing one’s income is only supposed to be done where there is some meaningful evidence that someone is willfully unemployed or underemployed.  So, unless the court believes that I want to lose the cottage, lose our home, lose custody of the children, lose my relationship with DW, SD1, and SS1… ignore my pages-long job search log… etc. - it’s simply inappropriate to be applying imputed income to me at this (or any other) time.  The manufacturing sector is sunk and companies simply aren’t paying top-dollar for middle-managers in this horrendous economy.  In my case, they’re not paying “any-dollar.”

Imputing income is one of what appears to be three available options.

Finally, even if it was a reasonable arrangement, her house is a shithouse.  She fails to mention what she would do with that crazy-assed dog of theirs.  Her hateful neighbors with the crazy, ARMED children who commit violence against ours and damage their home.  Lord only knows what kind of things we would be accused of if things broke, failed, went missing, were out of place, etc.

I’d rather go to jail.  And truth be told, if things don’t go “our way” on Friday… it won’t likely be very long before I go through the very punitive cycle of losing everything… credit, license, jail… because I simply won’t be able to afford any of anything.  This is a very scary predicament when you consider that my unemployment compensation is slated to run out in one month.

So, it’s quite clear that S1 is going to need braces after a visit to the orthodontist.  Cost: $5,000.  How we’re going to make that happen is a problem right now, so we’ll have to see what magic I can work.  Having not interacted with PEW since the appointment 2-weeks ago, I got this opening email from her.  I just had to share this short exchange to add to the insanity that is a Psycho Ex-Wife.

PEW:

What are we doing about our Son’s teeth?  How are we going to split it up?

LM: (Not wanting to enter into a negotiation with a terrorist invites…)

I’m open to seeing your suggestions.

PEW:

50/50 which is generous of me because since your DNA is what messed up his teeth in the first place you should really pay for all of it.

This is rich.   “All about the money.”  Her suggestions are always advantageous to her financially.  I mean to say, she never ever makes a suggestion that is ever fair and equitable.  If it’s not tilted in her way, even if only a little bit, it’s not a suggestion that originated with the PEW.

Aside from her insult, notice her 50/50 suggestion.  You see, when I make more money than her, not only did I have to carry the insurance and pay the first $250 of unreimbursed medical expenses, I paid the UMEs in proportion to our incomes… usually somewhere between 60% and 70%.  Now that our incomes have flipped and she is in the 60% - 65% range, she would suggest that the UMEs should be 50-50 split.  Of course, no one is surprised, I’m certain of that.

You gotta laugh at her insane DNA logic.  You also gotta laugh at how much she projects when she ever accuses anything I do to be motivated by money.  I do have to give her some (facetious) credit, though.  This could be the first time she’s ever referred to one or both children as “our” children and not “MY” children.

Needless to say, I didn’t respond after that.  It will all be determined when we go to the hearing in August.

Well, the Psycho-SIL will have to testify eventually.  She’ll probably lie through her teeth, but I loaded enough stuff into this one to make sure she has to at least make an effort to substantiate her claims of rent payments to PEW.  Further, I have asked her to provide appropriate documentation to demonstrate that she is moving out when she claims to be (rental agreements, new address, etc.).

The past two subpoena efforts were an unfortunate matter of poor timing, though they would never believe that.  I had her served the day before each “event” because that was the day-of or day-after conferencing with my attorney.  With a new hearing date in August, I figured that they might be expecting that I was doing this “last-minute” thing on purpose, so I advised my server-person to make a point of doing it right away to avoid any 11th-hour dodging on the part of Aunt DUI.  He did just that and it apparently provoked PEW to write me… twice.

LM,

Why are you continually sending subpoenas to my sister? She is moving out July 1st thanks to you!! What exactly are you trying to do? If her banks statements are relavant then so are DW’s bank statements. I hope you are checking with your attorney before you are firing off these subpoenas. All the years you have known Psycho-SIL….has she ever been overflowing with money??? what are you expecting to find? do you seriously think she has paid more than what I’ve shown at the conferences? If anything it’s LESS and I will show that on Aug. 7th. I do not know why you are even messing with the meager child support you currently pay….what is your problem?? you are either really stupid or really CRAZY. You are jeapardizing my job….you are harrassing my sister…..WHY? Get a job.

~PEW

Well, DW’s bank statements won’t be relevant because she doesn’t pay me rent, which is why Aunt DUI’s bank statements are relevant.  Yes, I seriously think that she’s paid more than the approximately $265/month they’re both claiming to have been paying.  Mostly, that is due to at least 2 prior instances where PEW said “$600/month” and part of the reason we came to an agreement prior to the last child support hearing in the Fall of 2007.  As for her “overflowing with money” comment, I submit the entire email from 2005 (Threats from Psycho-SIL), from which comes the following excerpt comes (written to me by Aunt DUI)…

….I finally settled my lawsuit on Monday. Suffice to say that with pain & suffering, after my attorneys fees have been taken out, I won’t have to worry about money for the rest of my life….

So, my answer to PEW would be an unequivocal, “YES, I sure do.” Do I really believe that Aunt DUI is rich beyond her wildest dreams?  No, I don’t, but that’s what she has presented in her email.  Aunt DUI isn’t moving out because of me, she is moving out so as to assist PEW in her hiding the rental income and avoid having it be part of the child support order.  Of course, this time, I will do what is necessary to ensure that she stays out of the house and not move back in once the child support order is set.

Her first email (to which I didn’t respond) was followed by a second one… not an unusual occurrence…

LM,

I haven’t inconvenienced your family and friends AT ALL in the past 5 years….you have caused so many problems for the people close to me. I am calling [my attorney] on monday, my sister is so upset. You’re going to see how embarassing and hurtful it is when you’re loved ones are dragged into a hearing that has NOTHING to do with them. Make sure [your brother] and DW and your landlord etc….are ALL available all day on Aug. 7th ok?? We’re gonna have a big party up at the courthouse.

~PEW

More delusional thinking if she believes that her antics over the course of the last 5-years haven’t inconvenienced my friends and family.  If her sick, substance-abusing sister weren’t such a huge part of the children’s daily lives… if she didn’t live with PEW… if she didn’t periodically inject herself into our proceedings… if it wasn’t RELEVANT… she wouldn’t be receiving subpoenas from me.  My subpoena is rooted in issues that are directly relevant to the matter at hand. If she wants to spend money on subpoenas for people who have no direct relevance to the matter at hand, that’s her problem and unnecessary expense. It wouldn’t be the first time she would incur lots of legal expenses over nothing.

I think that PEW is afraid that she’ll be really exposed (again).  I think Aunt DUI is afraid that she’ll also be exposed (again).

My purposes are quite simple:

• Show the court that PEW is a deliberate liar, income hider, false swearer to the court (again).  This isn’t about the money because the actual “take” I could obtain, even at the $600/month figure, is small.
• Establish a pattern of behavior that dates back to 2005 with Aunt DUI moving out in advance of a child support order… and then moving back in after the order is in place… thereby forcing me to let it go or engage in additional expense to pursue it.
• Get Psycho-SIL out of the house and make it permanent.  And if this exercise doesn’t do it, then I’ll be left with no choice but to move to modify the custody agreement to give me custody of the children or to prohibit Aunt DUI from living with the children, babysitting the children, driving the children anywhere no matter who is in the car… anything.  Her untreated bi-polar disorder combined with her ongoing substance abuse problems make her a clear and present danger to the children (and the rest of the general public).