The Psycho Ex Wife

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…gets you nowhere. It doesn’t even get you peace-of-mind after a while.  There have been times where things relevant to child custody or child support are often pushed towards settlement. After all, when it comes to child custody and sometimes even child support, it’s always advisable to avoid the time and expense of court whenever possible. You try to settle a child custody or child support matter for various reasons:

• They’re very expensive processes.
• You don’t want the court to decide such serious matters.
• You want to take the “high road” and do something to steer towards resolution.
• You’re just tired of the “fight.”
• Lots of other justifiable reasons…

I’ve done that several times, mostly back in the early days, when sometimes something “just seemed like the right thing to do” and a misguided hope that some form of olive branch extending would perhaps lead things down a path of a little more reasonableness.  In a high-conflict divorce situation involving either or both child custody or child support - that never happens.  Sure, you may get a short-lived disingenuous “thanks” or some other meaningless gesture.  However, the reality is, the high-conflict psycho ex really only counts that as their latest “win” and it’s on to the next mindless terrorist act.

Back in the summer of 2006, there was much debate over childcare costs (which PEW often lies about and leverages for extra income) and I’m not even sure why it took approximately 9-months to get this to hearing.  In this particular instance, rather than go to court and spend $2,000 - $3,000 in legal fees and other expenses to earn back credits somewhere in that amount, I just said, “Fuck it… let’s forget about it and move on, perhaps start down a path towards a little more cooperation.” I wouldn’t look for miracles.  Just a little positive karmic payback for “taking the high road.”  I’ve long ago learned why that doesn’t work.  Not ever.

In the following situation, I just was happy enough to have the appropriate adjustments made to the child support number and, allegedly accurate figures used for future childcare costs.  In exchange for this positivity, I waived several thousand dollars in credits due me simply because it wasn’t worth it to go back to court.  You know, I do things like that because it’s all about the money for me, right?  (Concurrently, we were also still going through the custody crapola.)

In the aftermath of the conference, I get an email from PEW…

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It’s hard for me to convey just how exasperating it is when something that should be so simple can be blown up for the most specious of reasons.  It’s hard for me to justify on behalf of the court why things cannot simply be kept simple.

Here’s a summary of what should have happened and what actually did happen.

The Facts as We Know Them:

PEW and I now make fairly close to the same income.  The disparity is so slight that the income “equalizes” at approximately $130.00, which is how much money I have to pay in order for both households to have the same income, which is what sometimes happens when the custody arrangement is 50/50.  Due to this reality, the burden for all of the other necessary expenses (childcare and healthcare) are shared equally.

There is no disputing this.

Regarding childcare for the school year, now that I have an actual total for the actual costs for the school year from the provider, we are in agreement that the figure is what I presented to the court.

There is no disputing this.

Regarding health insurance for the children, we disagree on which health insurance should cover the children.  However, we are in agreement as to the costs associated with the state’s health insurance plan and my employment health insurance plan.  I know that the plan offered by the job is far superior to the plan offered by the state, not that the state plan isn’t wonderful when you have no other opportunities to obtain insurance at reasonable cost.

While we disagree on the cost/benefit associated with each plan, there is no disputing the costs for one or the other.

That’s all that needs to be considered.  Armed with this information, here are what should have been the possible outcomes:

OPTION 1: This was what I intended to request of the court for reasons that will be summarized after…

1. $130.00 dollars flows from me to PEW due to the income difference.
2. I am given responsibility for paying the childcare provider.  Half of the cost flows from PEW to me.
3. I cover the children with my excellent work plan.  Half of the cost flows from PEW to me.

With Item 1, there is no issue.  With item 2, the issue is that she has been in arrears for fully 2 years, sometimes quite substantially - we’re talking many months behind.  I believe I can keep current with the provider and eliminate any risks that childcare will no longer be offered because PEW won’t pay.  With Item 3, it’s a simple dispute.  My plan offers superior coverage, but comes at a cost that is approximately $200/month more than the state plan.  The end result is that PEW would pay me some form of “child support” in the form of her half of the costs of the childcare and health insurance less the amount above for the difference in income.  For the sake of round figures, that amount would be approximately $125/month.

Pretty sound reasoning.  If the court disagreed with my reasoning, then…

OPTION 2:

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Child support modifications.

Whether you have to pay more or pay less, few things are as frustrating as the dog-and-pony show that is going through a child support modification with a psycho ex.  My psycho ex-wife is no different.  When you’re high-conflict and your psycho ex-wife is money-focused and can’t function without it, not that they could really financially function all that well with it, the child support modification becomes a long, drawn-out process.  I really believe the courts should have a streamlined option.  The streamlined option would be one where they show which party wanted to go to hearing how many times and just skip straight to the hearing.  Stop with the “child support conferences” which only prolong the agony.  We know we’re going to a hearing.

Our last update on this issue came way back in August of 2009: Job Loss/Child Support Update 8/7/09 - Hearing Loss. While it was more a hearing “concede” than it was a loss, I was spending $2,000 either way… testifying or in the child support, assuming I could find a job sooner rather than later. To this day, there is no question in my mind that “averaging” my income is a misapplication of the statute regarding imputed income. However, judges and their boundless “discretion” really can do whatever they want. I simply wasn’t going to participate in a hearing in order to give me an appeal opportunity that I couldn’t afford to see through.  That’s why so many of these child support modifications are wars of financial attrition.  The cost-benefit associated with fighting for what is truly right - fails.  Last year, too much money I didn’t have was spent to have the end result be - keep paying the same.  Of course, this was my fault as I didn’t handle the situation properly, but that’s water under the bridge.

A chance meeting at an internet cafe yielded me an exciting new job with wonderful new people and opportunities.  This job takes advantage of long dormant skills and has me working on projects that are not only interesting to cover, but fun to cover, too.  Though it came with a downgrade in income compared to the arrangement I had at the previous job, in this economy one doesn’t refuse a job when offered.  I’m more excited for this job opportunity than I’ve been about any other in my adult life.  Of course, this means an adjustment to child support.  It should mean a downward modification based upon the state guidelines, but that, as always, remains to be seen.

So, job started January 4th.  I filed for the modification on January 4th.  The child support modification “conference” was scheduled for January 29th.  Situations like this is akin to watching the movie Titanic over and over and over again.  You know the ship is going to strike the iceberg and most on board will die - but there isn’t anything you’re going to do to stop it from happening again.

I found out before the holiday and shared the news with the children who, in turn, let PEW know.  This prompted an email:

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2005 would be the first of a couple of summers where PEW would escape paying her portion of childcare expenses when the children were with me.  Of course, there are those psycho biological mothers who believe expenses and child support should only be paid by a father.  Despite the crazy, mixed-up statutes that have afforded such women those beliefs, it’s not true.  That doesn’t mean that some don’t get their beliefs validated, either by financial attrition (dad realizes it will cost more to make her pay in legal fees than she owes for her RESPONSIBILITY), or by a judge’s “discretion.”

I approach her via email with the forthcoming issue regarding childcare during my custodial time:

PEW,

Obviously, pending the forthcoming expected report and court hearing, I was wondering how we are going to handle the child-care expenses situation? I have a couple of weeks where I will have to pay for childcare in addition to the fact that you won’t before our expected court date arrives. I was wondering how you wanted to handle it?

Please advise.

As if I had any belief that she would want to handle it any other way than “you pay for your own childcare, and you pay in proportion to our incomes for when I need childcare.”

LM,

How do you figure? According to you, you have vacation the last week in June. And then again the 2nd week in July. As I said, I’m not giving you the time until the judge makes it an order because I don’t agree with it. Additionally, I will be paying additional child care while their with me and either at camp or with a sitter (child care that is not included in the current support order.) Additionally you’ve paid nothing towards S2s $1500 tuition from last year, so I doubt I’ll be owing you any money, it’s much more likely it will be the other way around. If you feel differently, you can ask your lawyer to file for a modification and I’ll take that opportunity to get reimbursed for my out of pocket child care.

As of right now, you’ll have the kids the last week in June and the 2nd week in July.

Nuts.  Absolutely nuts.

First, our hearing wasn’t scheduled until July 20th, half-way through the summer.  Convenient for her that she would wait until the judge’s order on July 20th before “giving me” the time to which I was entitled between June 16th and July 20th.  She’s fucking brilliant.

Second, again she brings up the pre-K tuition which she was told, in an order from a Judge, was not necessary but optional.  She was stay-at-home during the week and was not in “need” of childcare.  If she wanted to enroll him, it was okay but I certainly wasn’t going to foot the bill for it.

PEW,

Thanks.

I didn’t know what else to say.  I should have said nothing, but then I have a long and storied history of not realizing that saying nothing would be the best thing to say.

LM,

and you claim “it’s not about money”…..you kill me.

And that quickly, she has me hooked again!

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Let’s make a list of all the rules and guidelines that should be set regarding custody and child support in this country, sort of your wish list, based on what would truly be best for the children and equality for BOTH parents. I’ll start:

A woman gets pregnant.  Since she can abort up to 24-weeks with no input from the father, thus ending her responsibility, the father has 24-weeks from whenever he finds out he has a child (or is expecting one) to decide if he really wants to accept the child as his own. (I know this is a shocker for most people, but really, women get to decide everything, this is only fair, and would certainly make women think twice about birth control/sex if they thought they might be 100% responsible for caring for the child.) There could be an addendum to the rule that a contract is signed between the parties before sex/conception that indicates both are willing to parent any child created between them between certain dates and neither parent could then abdicate responsibility… i.e. accept responsibility before having sex, acknowledging that sex can ZOMG - lead to a child, DUH!

A woman MUST inform a father before a child is born that he is the father, or she forfeits ANY child support she may be entitled to at any time. If she is incorrect about the father, SORRY, it is now his choice if he wants to support the child, when he finally finds out, he has the 24-weeks to decide.

Shared parenting is mandatory unless it is proven in criminal court that one parent or the other has, or, is at risk of endangering the child, whether that means physically or emotionally. This includes fathers who find out years later that they have a child.  Yep, sorry Mom, he is back in your life and not just to give you money!

Child support is based on actual expenses for the child, possibly going by the consumer price index that currently spells out acceptable expenses for bankruptcy filings, or some other reasonable index that accounts for costs and not spending habits (as it currently does). Each parent puts their portion into a monthly fund and the reasonable expenses are paid for from there. In 50/50 shared parenting, there would be no child support since each parent would have the child half of the time and would be responsible for half of the expenses. If a parent has been deemed unfit or decided not to participate in the child’s life for personal or professional reasons such as living too far away, the child support would go into the fund, and the parent receiving the child support would be responsible for providing a running account of expenses paid for the child and/or provide legitimate receipts that would initiate disposition of funds from the child support fund.  At the date of emancipation, any unused funds shall be returned to the payer of child support.

Mandatory DNA testing at birth for everyone.  If the father is unknown at the time of birth, mandatory DNA testing will take place for anyone filing for child support against a purported father before any judgment is made.

States do not receive funding based on how much child support they collect, they receive funding based on how many children have both parents in their life a minimum of 40% of the time.

Punishments for custodial interference shall be equal to those of not paying child support, including loss of license, certifications, seizing of bank accounts and tax returns, up to and including jail time and will pursued with the same speed, viciousness, and vigor as currently for those who fail to pay child support.

False abuse allegations in custody cases are met with mandatory jail time of not less than the minimum time the falsely accused faced if convicted.

Parental alienation, if proven to be deliberate, consistent, and ongoing shall result in an immediate and complete loss of physical custody to the targeted parent.  The offending parent will be granted supervised visitation for a period of not less than a year and can apply to have some physical custody reinstated if they can show that they have completed (successfully) courses on parental alienation and parenting with exemplary grades.

That’s a healthy start… now it’s time for you to add yours to the list…