The Psycho Ex Wife

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Another unsurprising story from a reader who declares that he “got the trifecta” with his psycho ex-wife…

Dear LM & DW,

I could have written your website, except my ex-wife not only has been characterized to have BPD [borderline personality disorder], but also sociopath and Narcissistic tendencies as well. I got the trifrecta with her. I have [several] therapists reports stating these disorders and the court just dont care, but God forbid I should leave a hair out of place on my [kids'] head and they are ready to take custody from me.

I have fought 6 yrs for Joint custody, just recently getting it a year ago. I am made out to be this bad guy, who is controlling, abusive, and stalking, and she is so convincing in public. The therapists call it projecting, but that doesn’t help me and my son (S8) and daughter (D13). Can you offer any advice in dealing with her and co-parenting with her? She constantly violates our court adopted Parenting Agreement, withholds information from me, prevents me from talking with my [children], and blocking me from contacting [them]. The child is caught in the middle, and when she cannot get to me doing these things, she then tries to alienate our [kids] from me by bad mouthing me. Its a never ending battle just to get her to abide by our court order. I can file contempt charges, but the courts won’t do anything. I am at my wits end. I have found myself starting to act out of character because she drives me crazy, and then it gets used against me. Her best defense is to be on the offensive, if I accuse her of something, she immediately deflects it by changing the subject and say I am doing something, then I find that I am defending myself. She makes so many allegations with no evidence and I am guilty until proven innocent.

Do you recommend any good books for kids to read, to help them cope with a crazy parent, and also cope with being put in the middle of and used as a weapon by parents?

Will this HELL ever end?

Take care,
With Multiple “D’s”

Multiple D’s - there is a lot to cover here.

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I tend to be falsely accused of sharing information about court hearings and other litigation-related matters with the children.  This is simply due to PEW’s penchant for projection.  It’s something we know that she does with the kids regularly.  In fact, she shares so much inappropriate information with them it amazes me every day that they do as well as they do in school and other areas of life.  When a psycho ex-wife or psycho ex-husband is falsely accusing you of something, there is a very strong chance that they are doing the exact thing (or something close to it) which they’re accusing you of perpetrating.

Bottom line is that we just don’t do it.  While there have been occasions where we have been approached by the children with questions (exclusively prompted by things said by PEW), we handle those carefully, in age appropriate ways, and move away from any unnecessary details.

The very night after the end of the crap detailed in “Custody Exchange Logistics” - I got a voice mail from PEW describing how S1 was really upset and it had something to do with the court stuff.  I replied via email:

PEW,

Got your voice mail. Perhaps if you could be a little more specific, I might be able to understand what S1 was upset about.

I can assure you that I don’t speak to S1 about our ongoing issues in any capacity. During last night’s phone call, all we discussed was school and homework. He told me that he was doing good but that sometimes he didn’t understand what he was doing regarding math and reading. He told me that you try to help him and I told him that if he could tell me what it was he was having trouble with, I could certainly help him, too. I told him that I thought it would be a better idea to do homework when he came home when stuff was “fresh in your mind” instead of watching television and doing his work so late in the evening. He understood that. He seemed a little frustrated, but that was all we discussed.

This past weekend, we did nothing but play, watch a couple of shows, and watch the tide come in and go out, and have a party. The weather and full moon made the back bays flood and there were some interesting sights to see as a result. There was no discussion (there never is) about our predicament. He did express some concern about having to move again. It was a short discussion and I assured him that we would make sure that the transition to a new place would be as smooth as we could make it, though I don’t really know how that will be accomplished.

Do you have any idea regarding where you are moving to or when? It’s certain a very important issue.

~LM

That was it. I gave her a detailed explanation and her voice mail was very confusing and out of left field (as they often were).

LM,

I won’t have to move at all if the judge awards the counsel fees. If we do have to move, the kids can thank you some day for that. As far as last night, he specifically got off the phone and started crying about “the feud” as he called it. I find it hard to believe that OUR kids don’t hear anything from your end, since DW’s kids seem to know quite a bit, as evidenced by my conversations with them at the courthouse over the summer. I told S1 that it’s already been settled, they are staying with me and will continue to see you as much, if not more as they do now. Unless you move back, in which case they would see you ALOT more.

You need to do some serious examination of your conscience.

~PEW

And just that fast her concern about the kids vanished as she went into her usual blame mode and money grabbing scheming. Shocker.

I would ignore that, but she would offer a follow-up…

LM,

by the way, it was 7:45 when we were doing homework last night, not “so late in the evening”.

~PEW

Their bed time at the time was 8 o’clock during school nights. That would make it “late in the evening” for the boys aged 5 and 8. Duh. Pure genius, she is.

Another commonality with the high-conflict ex is their ability to turn their own logic on a dime.  Her problems and any problems regarding the children were originally due to my involvement in their lives and my proximity to them and all she wanted was me to go away and get the hell out of their lives.  When I was relegated to non-custodial parent status and 200-miles away, her problems and any problems regarding the children were due to my absence from their lives and the distance I was away from them and all she wanted me to do was move back (and sometime even suggested I move in).

Of course, now that I’m back, all she wants is to minimize my custody again and have me go away.  And people wonder why I’m alarmed by her craziness, her unnecessary and excessive child custody litigation, and it’s ultimate impact on the children.

Be prepared if you have one of your own.  This shit will never stop.  Push-pull, pull-push, stay-go stay-go go-stay, SPLITTING, I hate you - don’t leave me, etc.

When we last left Part 1 - Child Custody Schedule Change Difficulties… PEW’s edict was for me to tell my CEO that I can’t make the training class for which I was scheduled.  We had an “agreed schedule” and she wasn’t changing to help me out.  Nevermind that having and keeping a job meant she was helped out and, more importantly, the children were helped out.  Of course, she never was one for thinking beyond herself.   We continued on into our third day of email exchanges on July 11, 2006…

PEW,

And what “agreed” summer schedule do we have? 2-weeks on/2-weeks off, with no dates set specifically. The minor adjustment I’ve suggested is a matter of 3-days. Beyond that, it’s still 2-weeks on/2-weeks off.

You wouldn’t do 1-week on/1-week off, even though the children expressed a preference to do so. And why? Because of money and inconvenience for you. It had NOTHING to do with the children as usual. It’s about the gas and the tolls and the mileage… it’s all about PEW.

You put on a show for me at the support conference, about how destitute you are and how much money that this is costing you and how you don’t want to go to court for anything, let alone the support matter. So in an effort to make things peaceful, I not only concede [several thousand dollars] (conservatively) in credits, I offer to pay school schedule money June 1st. Remember? That was me not “doing anything for you or the children.” I respectfully ask for a very minor adjustment to the summer schedule and you jam it in my ear with as much vitriol as you can muster via email.

This is about the omnipotent PEW, showing how she expects a company to bow to her whims, not because it is detrimental for the children, but just because she wants to demonstrate just how tough she can be. I can almost see you sitting there gleefully patting yourself on the back about how you can make everyone else bow to your whims for no other reason than you can.

I told you, this is not an “emergency.” Regardless of whether or not the trip can be rescheduled, the children will be well taken care of. I just want you to keep writing back and showing me just how little regard you have for what is best for the kids.

This is a minor adjustment, PEW. Very minor. Camps at both homes can accommodate adjustments, you’ve already acknowledged that. They would actually gain an extra field trip at camp here with the adjustment, so there is a bit of a benefit to them, including a trip to a huge waterpark that they’ve wanted to attend. There is no harm to the children to my knowledge that can come with such an adjustment, so that’s not the reason.   It has no impact on your work schedule, so that’s not it.

What it boils down to, as usual with you, PEW… is that you do this because you are the one who has this compulsive need to make every little situation adversarial… except those which benefit only you, as exhibited by the support conference charade you put on.

If my assessment regarding the impact (or lack thereof) of such a change is incorrect, please, by all means let me know what negative consequences would arise from such an adjustment.

~LM

Well, it certainly can’t have been expected to be helpful, but it certainly gets right to the point.

LM,

just do your parental duty for a change….that’s all I’m asking….I’m not changing the summer schedule

i feel so sorry for the boys that not only do you put DW in front of them but you also put your job ahead of them on the priority list….you need serious help

~PEW

Well, she did get most of the usual accusations in there.  I’m disappointed because clearly she could have worked another “limp-dicked faggot, deadbeat, everything happened because you moved” series of accusations in there.

PEW,

As always, I will do my parental duty. Why again won’t you change the summer schedule?

~LM

You, PEW are cordially invited to escalate.  Please RSVP as nastily as you can muster to the above email address ASAP.

LM,

I won’t change it because you are a LOSER

~PEW

Well, you picked him!

LM,

I know that’s what you’d like to believe, but the reality is, that you put money, convenience, and your extremely volatile demeanor ahead of your children.

Allow me to show you why that is the reality:

- You have the option of doing the right thing because doing so causes no inconvenience that you have been able to articulate. The CHILDREN are happy, I am happy, work is happy, you should be happy because you’ve done the right thing for everyone involved at no personal inconvenience to you. It costs you no additional money. It costs you no additional mileage on your vehicle. It doesn’t make you miss any time off from work. It’s just about being vindictive.

- Ironically, DW quite often steps up to the plate, particularly when their mother repeatedly fails to do so. She’s happily volunteered to help out in this situation. She’s often taken the rides to pick up and deliver the children to ensure their safety. She’s often voluntarily rescheduled her own things to accommodate last-second “I don’t have a babysitter can you take the kids” requests from you. Fishing trips, museums, water-park visits… and the list goes on. Of course, she does this with her ex-husband as well, because neither of them is vindictive to one another.  Their priorities lie with making adjustments to the benefit of everyone, but most especially the children.

Not jumping up and canceling this trip on your orders isn’t making work a priority over the children. The fact that I’ve chosen to work with you to make a suitable adjustment with the hopes of minimal or no impact on us goes directly to making the children the priority. Conversely, your failure to consider the kids perfectly describes in you what you have repeatedly attempted to make me… that is… one who very often fails to consider the children and only considers what will satiate her warped desire to make everything contentious. Way to put yourself ahead of the kids again.

I say again… If my assessment regarding the impact (or lack thereof) of such a change is incorrect, please, by all means let me know what negative consequences would arise from such an adjustment.

~LM

She’s rather impervious to logic and reality.  I imagine that living in her painful fantasy world has some apparent benefits to her, though I’m hard-pressed to understand exactly what those benefits would be.

LM,

I’ll tell you what…..I’ll rearrange the summer schedule if you settle on the custody thing and reimburse me for half of my legal fees…..that would be about $15000……… That’s the only way I’ll change the current schedule. If you’re not interested in that, there’s nothing left to discuss.

Also, I’m not disputing anything regarding DW. She’s ok in my book.

FYI, I don’t put anything ahead of the children. Not work, not dates, not friends, nothing…..my world revolves around them when they are in my custody. It should be that way for you too. I’m not being vindictive by not helping you out….I’m simply giving you the same courtesy you gave me ALL year, everytime I needed a hand. You never gave me any explanations.

~PEW

Here several things stand out.

1. The same person here who claims that she puts nothing ahead of the children - is refusing to adjust the schedule because she “has plans” for that week that are set in stone.  So much for not putting anything ahead of the children.
2. There’s that creepy “MY WORLD REVOLVES AROUND THEM” language that only PEW’s believe is a badge of honor and the epitome of motherhood merely by their utterance.
3. DW is okay in her book, and then not okay, and then okay, and then not okay…
4. Her continued claim that I “never” gave her a hand contradicts her earlier claim that I helped her out once, and both are false.  I offered to help her many times, but most were turned away as they weren’t on her terms.
5. And last, but certainly not least - never, ever, ever forget for whom this is “all about money.” If there is money to be extorted, cheated for, lied to obtain - she’ll do it.  She’s done it.

PEW,

Your legal fees exist because of the actions and lack of actions you have chosen to take since the day you decided to end the marriage. I promise you, if I could have back for both of us our life savings, money earmarked for colleges, retirements, etc. - I would do it. However, your filing for primary custody, your filing for school changes, your injunctions and subpoenas, forcing the sale of the home instead of accepting a reasonable settlement so that the children’s lives were minimally impacted… are of your own doing. Anytime I have not been able to assist you in one of your last-minute circumstances, I have given you explanation. When arrangements were made to help you out during a week you were in a pinch, you refused to take me up on them because it meant you having to meet me at [half-way point] during a work-night. Too inconvenient for you. When you asked me to help you out when you were ill and you wouldn’t get paid for a holiday if you couldn’t work - I managed to get assistance from [my close friends who the children love and who love the children] to babysit so you could do it, and you refused because they were my friends… it didn’t matter that the children love those guys and have a wonderful time when in their company. And as usual, the list goes on.

Here is another in a long line of examples of how you use the children, as you always have, as a tool for extortion. As a tool for manipulation. As a means to get your way. It’s another example of how you don’t think of the impact on the children and only think of the impact on you and what is convenient for you. It’s another example of you holding the children hostage for money. “You can see the children if you pay me money.”

It’s disgraceful beyond anything I have ever experienced before in my life.

Your position is clear. Your motivations are clear. As always, a simple issue cannot be handled because you choose to continue to act the way you do.

~LM

You gotta love someone who asks you, when you live approximately 4-hours away, for a last minute schedule change to accommodate them for any reason, refusing to meet half-way for an exchange so she can be helped out.  And why?  Gas and tolls.  Remember again - that all about the money thing is about as pure as her projection can get.

LM,

Do you realize how comical it is when YOU write crap like this to ME??? I actually get a chuckle out of it…..thank you. Do you actually believe yourself? I think you do, which makes it EVEN funnier. The un-funny part is that you have two little boys who love you…..and you STILL can’t pull yourself together. Maybe you can salvage what’s left with therapy…..keep seeing [your therapist]…..only be honest with her for a change.

Now…..stop emailing me, you’re on my last nerve.

~PEW

Why yes, I absolutely do believe what I write, because it’s factually supportable.  (This is also her “parroting” something I very often shoot her way).   And no one lies to counselors and therapists more than the psycho ex-wife.

PEW,

It’s not comical. It’s not comical when your words clearly define your motivations. “Pay me money and I’ll think about what is beneficial for the kids.” You think that’s comical. Good grief.

~LM

And if your head wasn’t spinning enough, she responds with this…

LM,

well if that were true…..it would NOT be comical…but since it’s not true and it’s coming from you…the biggest hypocrite I know……it’s comical. Get a grip.

~PEW

And if anyone wonders why people dealing with a severely disordered spouse/ex-spouse wonder about comments like, “I began to feel like I was the one who was going insane” - mere hours after sending an email claiming she’ll cooperate in exchange for $15,000 for her legal fees, she says that my claim about her being motivated by money is “not true.”  There are experiences like this which leave you dumbfounded, sitting there is stunned silence, like someone snuck up on you and threw ice cold water in your face when you weren’t expecting it.

It ended there.  The schedule would not change.  Then, 3 weeks later, on 7/28/2006, she sends this…

LM,

I’m wondering if you were able to make arrangements for the week of August 14th regarding the boys and your trip. If not, I could keep them that week provided that you pay for the additional week of camp and pick them up in [at my house] for their last week with you and drop them off upon their return.  My truck is a lease and I’m almost over the alotted miles for the year. Let me know, I’ll need to let camp know.

~PEW

All the time, nutbags like this do these things.  It’s as if that entire rigmarole never happened.  Plans set in stone.  No way she’s helping me.  If I pay her 15-grand, she’ll do it.  Then, out of the blue, she says she can do it.  What’s worse, she’ll look back on something like this and swear, “SEE?!?!?!?!  I OFFERED TO HELP YOU OUT BACK IN 2006 WHEN YOU HAD THAT TRAINING SCHEDULED AND YOU REFUSED!!!”  Absurd doesn’t quite cover it.

This is followed up with…

LM,

If you did not cancel your trip on the week of the 13th, I need to know what arrangements you made for the kids. If you’re not going to be there all week, the children will not want to be there and it will be traumatic for them to be left with neither parent. You never told me what the details of your trip were, was it all week, a few days, etc..etc.. I would appreciate the courtesy of a reply. If you decide not to respond, I will ask [my attorney to call yours].

~PEW

What the hell happened to DW and the children forming a bond and getting to know each other better?  What about not giving a fuck because her plans were set in stone?  Now, the children will be traumatized and not want to be there, even though they did plenty of activities with DW each day I was at work and had wonderful times anytime we had our opportunities to be together.  Oh, the delusions…

PEW,

Trip is being rescheduled.

~LM

Blessed with a tremendous break, the fall training schedule with this company came out in the weeks after the initial go’round ended and I was able to push it out to October or so.  Of course, that would require a schedule adjustment, too, which would be met with the same PEW ridiculousness.  Only, I handled it much differently… or maybe it was slightly different… blog post for another day.  She replied…

LM,

thank you

~PEW

Yeah, fuck you, too.

The summer of 2006 was clearly one that was a brutal one. We had child support modification issues, we were deep in the middle of our child custody conferences, child custody hearings, child custody evaluations, it was all too crazy for words. We had an interim schedule and I was more than a year into my new job. We had just acquired a million-dollar, high-tech piece of equipment for which I had to go to the manufacturer for a week to obtain training. Unfortunately for me, that training period conflicted with the interim child custody schedule, which required me to approach PEW to make modifications in the midst of an incredibly conflicted time in this entire process.

So, we begin another fine example of high contact and how things can escalate when you communicate more than you absolutely have to. It’s also an example of why, if possible, you need to avoid approaching a high-conflict ex-spouse for alterations to custody orders. Low-contact is the way to go when dealing with high-conflict personalities. In this case, it was unavoidable. This training was a critical component of my employment. I had to try to make the change.

Further, it’s another example of a PEW’s endlessly lofty sense of entitlement and control issues. In this example, because she says so, I was to tell my employer I wasn’t going to this critical training. I let her emails show you her bizarre line of thinking alongside my brilliantly mindless contributions to the escalation… I start with the initial contact on July 8, 2006, giving her more than a month’s advanced notice of the situation.

PEW

I have a potential conflict in the month of August. If I’ve checked the calendar correctly, I am scheduled to have them the week of August 14th, and it’s looking like I have to travel for training that week. Of course, the next court date will probably scuttle that, but in the event that it doesn’t, I was wondering if you would consider a switch to week-on/week-off for the month of August? Since camp is a full paid 8-weeks down here, they’ll gain an extra week of camp here and save you a week up there. Maybe there is some benefit in that regard.

Let me know your thoughts.

~LM

Seems reasonable enough to reasonable people.  I even went the “cost-savings” route.  Since we were responsible for our own summer camp arrangements, I would be incurring no additional camp costs (you have to pay-in-full) but there, the Director was flexible and with enough notice, didn’t charge you for time not used (as we know from even her currently being perpetually months behind in payments).

LM,

Here’s an idea for you….how bout you go back to your boss and tell him that you have your children that week…..that’s what I have to do when I am required to do things for my job?? This is something interesting we’ll have to explore further with the judge. You travel, have trainings, audits, etc……I don’t. My boss is completely aware that I am a single parent and works with me for sicknesses, court, etc……..is your employer not working with you???

~PEW

Well, that went well.  I happened to have an extremely important position with the company.  We have an incredible new, expensive machine to make the work flow much better.  I need training on programming it.  However, since PEW said no, I’m to just go tell the CEO that I can’t do my job because I have kids to take care of that week.  Brilliant.

PEW,

We will explore yet another example of your lack of cooperation with the judge. Thanks again for putting it in writing. I’ll make other arrangements. As always, I thought the first best avenue to explore was with the children’s mother. I guess I’ll never learn.

Thanks.

~LM

Poking the beast will surely help…

LM,

Good luck….I’m looking forward to our next hearing

~PEW

There’s that confidence that comes from knowing if you have a vagina and a penchant for tears, you have a distinct advantage in family court until such time as you reveal your true self, assuming your adversary ever does.  Make as many false accusations as you can, and hopefully something will stick.

Two days into the back-and-forth…

PEW,

As my boss is out for the week, I figured I’d try an alternative arrangement and see how you feel about that…

If a change to week-on/week-off for August is too much of an imposition for you, how about instead of exchanging on the 16th of July, we exchange on the 23rd of July? You gain a half-week of time with the boys, and the adjustment would offset the potential training week of August 14. We would close out the summer pending a ruling by the court as:

Dad: June 19th - July 4th.
Mom: July 4th - July 23rd.
Dad: July 23rd - August 6th.
Mom: August 6th - August 20th.
Dad: August 20th - September 3rd.

Keep in mind, when you have had training for work at night at jobs, arrangements were made to have things covered, even though some of those times you refused to let me be the one to do it. The situation is this, I have no problem if your desire is to take a hard-line with this and just refuse for no particular reason. The kids will be taken care of regardless and DW has no problem taking care of the boys if this trip cannot be rescheduled. I just figured I’d take one more chance with you before I start the rescheduling process with work.

Keep in mind, when you have been in babysitting jams earlier this year, and with only a couple of days notice, we were able to step up and help when we could. You should also know that S1 has told me that he would actually prefer to be week-on/week-off as I have proposed for August with my first email.

So, what’s it going to be? This takes no time away from you and doesn’t affect camp costs. The easiest thing for us to do is make a minor adjustment to our arrangement. If you choose to be difficult just for the sake of being difficult, just say so. What I will ask of you is that before you render your decision, consider how your decision will affect the CHILDREN… and not how it will affect you or me.

~LM

Looking back, the mistake here is mentioning attempting to see about rescheduling the training.  Well… the mistake actually is trying at all and it’s compounded by my continuing to go back-and-forth with her about it.  Obviously, I’m only inviting the escalation…

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I’ve made reference to this incident several times in related blog posts.  This one will lay out our direct discussion about the events of the hearing on June 30th, 2006.  On that fateful day, I made a huge mistake that has not been repeated since.  I had the kids for a couple of weeks and PEW had asked me specifically if she could see the boys the day of the hearing at the courthouse.  It made sense (on the surface) because my mother would be taking care of all 4 kids during the day and she could just meet us there as a few of her plans were to be done in the vicinity of the courthouse or visiting some old friends who worked nearby.

The usual points of interest are here… her contradictions, her fabrications, her condemnation of something that she had previously done (and the children actually did spend the entire day at the courthouse)… but worse, was her deliberate attempt to engage my mother in a confrontation in a crowded courthouse lobby.  This was particularly sad because my mother is a “stay out of it” person when it comes to my drama, primarily at my stern request.  Rather than be dismissive and more importantly, because she truly cared and wished to convey her sympathies - it was her inquiry about PEW’s grandmother’s recent death that prompted PEW to act out like the impulsive mental child that she is.

Preceding the hearing and still trying to parlay my settling at the child support conference into a possible settlement on the child custody issue - I get this email the day before the hearing…

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