The Psycho Ex Wife

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Keeping Kids Out of the Middle: Child-Centered Parenting in the Midst of Conflict, Separation, and Divorce

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After reading this book in its entirety and then re-reading many portions over again, I’m convinced that this is a very good book that is worthy of recommendation to some, but not to others. It’s taken me a full three days to wrap my thoughts up regarding this book. It’s always difficult to find a way to set aside one’s own personal experience, in order to think of others who may find this book extremely beneficial, where I find it might fall short for others. I have also concluded that there are parts of this book that will prove beneficial to some, while other parts won’t. That said, this book makes it very clear from the outset that it is not the be-all, end-all of co-parenting post-divorce.

I found the preface to be very powerful, very informative, and very unsettling. “Keeping Kids Out of the Middle of What?” I nodded in agreement and understanding as Garber covers a lot of different aspects of life rather effectively without being too wordy. It sets up the rest of the book rather nicely.

In the introduction section, Garber sets your expectations. What this book is… and what this book is not - gives an appropriate level of warning that this book is a guide. It’s full of appropriate information that truly is child-centered and focuses on the roles of co-parents. Some of it many will find they already know and understand. You will undoubtedly discover new points-of-view, as I did.

What is a Co-Parent? I found my first surprise of sorts. I believe that many of us really never became familiar with the term co-parent or co-parenting until our own divorces (or someone else’s). We connect the terms to a divorce without any consideration for the reality that co-parenting exists in all states of marriage and relationships that involve children. Garber does a fine job of explaining the dynamics of co-parenting and reshaped my opinion of the term co-parenting to understand that we’re all in a position to be co-parents to our children. He provides all sorts of examples and guides to quality co-parenting, the teamwork involved, the rest, recharge, tag-team cycles, the support mechanisms that many of us have in place that all co-mingle to provide an effective upbringing of children.

Not All Parents are Created Equal, Dr. Garber describes the roles of parents and how they have evolved over time from 50s rigid roles of mom and dad to where those lines are often not today. Gender, in many cases, no longer defines the roles, participation, and contributions of the parent. Further effectively described are how the courts often view the roles of parents in today’s divorce climate and the difficulties courts often face when two divorcing parents can’t set aside their differences and ultimately put the court in a position to decide matters.

What If You’re a Single Parent?, Garber strictly describes “the single parent” as someone without a co-parent, a distinction that sets them apart from the “unmarried parent.” A true single parent, as defined in the book, is “…an adult who shares caregiving responsibilities for a child with no one at all.” I understand this distinction to be made in order to show the reader the additional difficulties faced by someone with substantially fewer support resources than those who are unmarried parents. Still, this chapter disturbed me in that Garber is a believer in the thought that “Raising a child does, indeed, take a village.” It’s an undertone I sense through the balance of the book and one with which I don’t necessarily agree. While he takes the time to support his beliefs, what he describes are support personnel from which we draw on when we feel we need guidance or assistance. I’ve never been a big believer in “it takes a village” because I think the village starts imposing their thoughts, methods, beliefs, and biases on you, which almost always ends badly. It doesn’t take a village, it takes strong, committed parents (divorced or otherwise) with good support from family, and perhaps trusted friends. The “village” should be taking care of their own children.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat and The Essentials of Co-parenting delve more deeply into the hard work and potential pitfalls of the co-parenting experience. This is particularly true of separated co-parents. Garber does a fine job of describing the processes required to “weave a safety net” under the children during these rather substantial changes in the child(ren)’s lives.

The Child’s Experience of Adult Conflict and A Quick Word About Promises, while decidedly different topics, mesh in important ways, both describing the impact on the children (the parental interpersonal conflicts) and the inevitable overcompensation that results in promises to children that aren’t or otherwise can’t possibly be kept. Even the best of parents can get caught up in their own drama and fail to consider the deep impact their actions and reactions will have on the kids.

The Myth of the Nuclear Family was the most difficult chapter of them all to read and seemed quite out of place. Despite Garber’s contention at the beginning of this book about not being political, not being pro- or anti- marriage, homosexuality, heterosexuality, co-habitation, etc., etc. - he still manages to drop a few “bombs” throughout the book. This chapter was a tough read, and while I would agree that the classically defined Nuclear Family is headed for extinction barring a dramatic shift in public policy and societal expectations, I found Garber’s opinions in this chapter nearly offensive. Aside from reiterating his position that “it takes a village” to raise our children, he misses the mark completely with the following quote:

“The myth of the nuclear family is just that: a myth. It’s a story that once validated the lives of a majority of white, middle-class Americans and gave them reason to disparage all other varieties of families.

Huh? Like a splash of ice-cold water on an unexpecting face, I simply couldn’t shake this portion of the book and it tainted most of the rest of the read. In the world I’ve been living in for a mighty long time, prejudice, intolerance, and abuse knows no bounds - be it race, color, creed, religious affiliation, sexual orientation, etc. This out-of-the-blue, let’s disparage white, middle-class families as predominantly intolerant of all other varieties of families is not only inaccurate, it really has no place in what this book “is” as described in the first dozen or so pages. Too bad, Dr. Garber. My suggestion is that the reader simply skip this chapter. It’s completely out of place in the book.

Scripting the Change offers excellent advice and suggestions for preparing for the changes that come along with the breaking up of the family unit. From the split, to home transitions, to therapy appointments, essentially anything can be planned to mitigate both being caught off guard or saying something that you hadn’t planned to say (and wish you didn’t say).

Through How to Answer the Kids’ Questions and Child-Centered Parenting Plans Dr. Garber continues to focus on the needs of the children, offering checklists and quizzes to test just how in tuned to the children you are versus your own needs and desires.

Chapter 14 - How Children React is a definite must-read and covers all of the important issues that face children and how all of the many negative consequences of our adult behaviors create in our children personality traits that they shouldn’t have at such tender ages. This one you should read twice.

Yes, I’ve covered a lot of minutia and my intent is to give you a really strong flavor for the approach Dr. Garber takes in explaining a lot of what he suggests throughout the book.

My overall synopsis is this - it has it’s good, it’s bad, and it’s ugly - and I’ve touched on all of them in some capacity quite fairly.

What This Book Is:

The book is, overall, a quality read, especially if you just skip Chapter 8. It is an excellent guidebook to prepare people for the best possible co-parenting relationship between the adults and the adults & children.

What This Book Is Not:

It is not a “radically new perspective on co-parenting in the midst of relationship conflict” as quoted from the back cover. Some might read this and find it to be the utopia of co-parenting, conflict or not, and completely unattainable unless the two co-parents (divorcing or otherwise) are completely in tune with one another and the children. Finding that in a divorce situation is probably rarer than a sighting of Bigfoot. However, I do believe after reading this book that if you are able to achieve half or more of what Garber brings to the table - you’re very likely doing an excellent job of co-parenting. I found myself often thinking that I know and understand most of this stuff - I wish my ex-spouse would read and understand any of it.

I would recommend this book to:

• Anyone interested in having children but don’t yet have them, even if you’re not currently in a relationship. If you want a great guide for co-parenting in a happy relationship - this is a winner (except Chapter 8).
• Couples with children who are on the verge of divorce who are managing their way through in a reasonably amicable manner. They are committed to cultivating and maintaining relationships with their children and the co-parent.
• Anyone in a high-conflict divorce who wants to read a book that makes them say to themselves, “I wish my psycho ex-spouse would do these things with me.”
• Any psycho ex-spouse who wishes to find out all of the right things to do in the post-divorce co-parenting relationship - so that they can do the opposite and make everyone’s life as miserable as possible.

I would not recommend this book to:

• Anyone dealing with a person with a high-conflict divorce and custody situation. It reads like a classic counseling session and while the information and suggestions throughout most of this book are outstanding, it’s unreasonable to expect that two warring parents will read this book, suddenly have an epiphany, and start down the road to cooperation and child-centered co-parenting.

If you would like to have a copy of this book, post your thoughts and let me know in your comment. I have two to give away. Arrangements can be made via email. Then you can read it for yourself and stop back here with your opinions on the book and my review. I will pick two commenters at random, so please don’t be offended if you don’t hear from me. Those who do receive the book - pay it forward! Give another a chance to benefit from Dr. Garber’s suggestions.

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About Benjamin

Benjamin D. Garber, Ph.D., is a New Hampshire licensed child psychologist, a state certified Guardian ad litem and a practicing Parenting Coordinator. Dr. Garber has a Bachelor of Arts degree in developmental psychology and psycholinguistics from the University of Michigan, a Master of Science and a Doctorate in child clinical and developmental psychology from the Pennsylvania State University.

SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or a Narcissist

by author: William A. Eddy, foreward by Mike Roe

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I will open by simply saying that if you’re in a high conflict divorce situation with a spouse who has been diagnosed with a personality disorder, you suspect of having a personality disorder, or even if they are for any reason highly agitated and preparing to commence legal hell with you - this book is money well spent.

I was not fortunate enough to understand with whom I was dealing and why. I didn’t get to read this book until I was more than a year into my disastrous situation. However, it still helped me immensely from the moment I did get and read it. It helped me understand the motivations and expectations that would continue to take place. It was as enlightening on the legal end of things as Stop Walking On Eggshells awakened me to just about everything else in terms of dealing with borderline personality disorder.

If your attorney isn’t truly familiar with dealing with an adversary who has a personality disorder (and you can afford it), share yours with your attorney or even buy counsel a copy to review.

I suggest this because the parallels in the book with my experience were uncanny. For me, it served as a historical look back at how and why things initially unfolded for me the way they did. Fortunately, it was also “early” enough in my ongoing litigation that it would still prove to be a roadmap and guide in preparing for what would invariably come. The actual examples of the aftermath of handling situations the correct way and the incorrect way are eye-opening.

Splitting provides a unique insight into what to expect during litigation, how to prepare for it, and even how to counteract it. It encourages you to stand your ground. It sets you up to be assertive without hurting your own case. It will also temper the occasional disbeliever when you may also be able to predict what is to come from the disordered spouse. Constantly referring to it also helps me to refocus under times of great stress to better identify what issue deserves higher levels of attention than others. I assure you that without it, it will seem like every issue is “the most important one” - and they aren’t.

I highly recommend it.

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care about Has Borderline Personality Disorder

by Authors: Paul T. Mason and Randi Kreger

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After having read this amazingly insightful book which gives a methodical look into the root causes of borderline personality disorder and the associated effects it has on the sufferer’s life and those who have attempted to have relationships with them, I am put in a position to present two separate reviews of Stop Walking On Eggshells. One review is of the creation and development of the borderline personality disorder. The second review is of the suggestions offered to the non-sufferers in managing their relationship, should they choose to do so, with the person who has this devastating disorder.

Authors Mason and Kreger likely could not have done better in breaking down borderline personality disorder; from its origins in the patient’s childhood through the chaos and terror that they suffer and perpetrate on others into and throughout adulthood. They provide invaluable information to the reader by identifying the behaviors, symptoms, and traits of the borderline person. Mason and Kreger do a terrific job of breaking down the DSM-IV diagnostic criteria into understandable language. If you have a relationship of any kind with a person suffering from BPD, this book could be considered second-to-none in helping you understand why they behave the way they do. Having suffered for more than 12-years (ongoing in the aftermath of divorce with children) – it was somewhat of a relief to find out that I really wasn’t going insane. I was not the cause of her drama and chaos. My often intense level of confusion left me questioning my own mental health and, at times, what was reality. Of particular interest where the excerpts of the thoughts and feelings of both the BPD and non-BPD throughout this book. If you’ve suffered such intense abuse at the hands of a BPD, their “thoughts” about how they feel and how they should be treated or understood can be a bit unnerving. Conversely, you will find some measure of relief as the non-BPDs recount their feelings and experiences.

In that regard, this book is a must-have if you need a comprehensive understanding of the person you’ve encountered who is or may be suffering from borderline personality disorder.

The second part of my review must be read with consideration that I’ve had a long-term and ongoing relationship with a now ex-spouse who I strongly suspect of suffering from BPD. I say that simply because she has never been professionally diagnosed.

If you’ve had any level of experience with a BPD sufferer, there is a lot in this book that will strike you as “easier said than done.” Worse, it might make you feel as the BPD made you feel - like you aren’t or weren’t good enough to handle the situation that confronted you so intensely. You may be offended.

Perhaps I was expecting a more sympathetic view towards the non-borderline and what I was met with were suggestions and coping mechanisms that were without a true sense of the level of suffering that has been levied upon the non-BPD. If this is you - the way in which these suggestions are delivered could rise to the level of offensive. If this is not you, it will be viewed with a vastly different understanding. The difficulty in practical application of these techniques is something that you couldn’t possibly fathom without having been “in the trenches” yourself. Offering a BPD’s viewpoint about how a non-BPD should be more understanding of their suffering and how to better handle them is tantamount to a perpetrator of torture telling their victim to understand better why they do what they do and how to accept it.

I strongly believe that Paul Mason and Randi Kreger needed to do a better job of conveying to readers that the “matter of fact” delivery of suggested methods of dealing with a borderline are impractical in day-to-day application and virtually impossible to achieve with a BPD when you are “under fire.” I know that this description sounds dramatic, but those who have been there would understand that language completely. I know psychologists who refuse to work with people having borderline personality disorder because of their level of chaotic, terroristic, and incredibly manipulative behavior. To expect an untrained person to handle it well under the circumstances is unrealistic. I also understand that there are those who don’t necessarily have a choice to avoid dealing with a BPD, for example, parents of a child with BPD. For those folks, these suggestions could prove to be a life preserver of sorts.

Overall, for a complete understanding of the development of borderline personality disorder, the impact on the sufferer, and the impact on those around the sufferer, this book should be at or near the top of your list.

~LM