The Psycho Ex Wife

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A few weeks ago, the Today Show on NBC had a segment called “Teens and Step-Families” which featured a panel of a couple of “experts” and a group of teens from around the country to share their experiences.

On their parents dating:

Only 1 of the 10 had an issue with their parent dating.  One young lady was upset that her father started dating after her mother died.  He began to see someone a little more than a year after his wife’s death.  She went on to say that eventually she realized that she needed to be more mature and understanding about the situation, even though at 12, that can be a pretty lofty expectation.  We would imagine that going through what are almost always difficult teen years, between hormones, relationship developments with peers, schooling, pending adulthood - the introduction of a new adult figure in your life, especially given the mother was deceased, can only add to that angst.

On the new adult taking on a parental role:

The teens were asked about how forcefully or quickly the new parental-figure in their lives tried to establish a parental-role in the household.  One young-man said that in his mother’s case (step-father), the man did try to establish his authority over the children and that sometimes caused issues between mom and step-dad as well as between the kids and step-dad.  Interestingly, it was because they (the kids) “didn’t always agree” with the sanctions.  I’m not sure I know too many kids who agree with any discipline no matter who it comes from.

On the strangeness or weirdness of seeing your parent being affectionate with a new partner:

One young man spoke about how his biological parents were typically openly affectionate with one another and that his advice to people in similar situations was to “get over it.”  He went on to say that parents are entitled to be affectionate with their new partners and to express love and good feelings for one another.  It has to be expected and accepted.

Still another young lady made some very salient points about the experiences and feelings of the children.  She said that one of the things that she struggled with was the conflict about her feelings of fairness with regard to her mother carrying on her life and her own feelings of loss and disappointment at the broken family.

Paraphrasing:

We may disregard our own feelings about certain situations we experience because we know that our parents are entitled to carry on with their own lives.  We know that they are allowed to spend the rest of their lives with someone if that’s what they choose to do.  Still, it conflicts with our own feelings about how disappointed we are that our parents didn’t stay together in the first place.  We sacrifice our own feelings for the sake of our parent’s feelings.

The kids want to assure their parents that everything is “just fine” even though everything may not be.  So, it would appear that in addition to the struggles that children sometimes find themselves in when their biological parents split (blaming themselves somehow for the break-up), they find themselves with some sort of emotional whiplash in trying to avoid any appearance of being the cause for upset in their new relationship.

On the subject of the addition of new family members (half-siblings):

I was pleasantly surprised to see that none of the 10 teen panelists felt “left out” or like the “odd person out” when children were born of the new relationship.  Clearly, 10 people don’t represent a cross-section of all of the children in step-situations, so I think it’s safe to assume that there may be some level of awkwardness that would hopefully wane over time.

The discipline issue:

Several struggled with the issue of discipline as it came from the new step-parent.  One young man told of being very apprehensive and defiant in the face of discipline that came from his step-mother.  However, he said that with the backing of his father, it wasn’t long before he learned that he needed to listen.  He was often faced with his father telling him in every situation that the approach that step-mom took in each scenario was appropriate and that she was correct and knew what she was doing.  The teen went on to say that it became difficult to be defiant when your biological parent was there reinforcing that what step-mom was undertaking was appropriate in his eyes, too.  “Over the years, it became much more easy to listen to her.”

Another young man spoke of being a “momma’s boy” and being protective of his mother, so when she brought someone new home, he would do everything in his power to act mean and obnoxious and try to run the new guy off!  He continued to explain that as he looks back on it now that he is older, he realizes that he needed to be much more mature in his treatment of others and that communication is essential to make that happen.  He was referring to the child communicating more and more effectively with the parent, stating that if you are more open and communicative with your parent about how you’re feeling (and why) - everyone can work together to create more harmony and less upset.

Only one of the teens expressed never really connecting with her step-mother, primarily because she “wasn’t a very good listener” when she tried to express herself.

On the subject of existing new family members (step-siblings):

Several indicated that the step-parent showed “favoritism” towards their own children versus the step-children.  Explanations seemed to show that “favoritism” was not necessarily the best term to use.  One teen, however, looks back and surmises that the step-parent is probably concerned with the appearance of trying to “take over” for the biological parent.  As result, there was an understanding of the different levels of affection/attention shown towards the biological children versus the step-children.  They have a better understanding as older teens at the struggles that all step-parents face.

Dr. Janet Taylor - a psychiatrist - supported the assertions of the teen panel by reinforcing that communication is essential to a successful transition, even if it’s not the easiest thing to accomplish.  Setting boundaries and being clear about expectations won’t happen by default.  Further, if the step-parent and biological parent are on the same page and convey similar messages, the transition can expect to be the smoothest.

Gary Neuman - family counselor and author - focused on the integration of step-parents into a teen child’s life.  Given the changes and relationship development that is happening in the teen’ s life and social circles, the addition of a new parental figure can be especially stressful.  Gary pointed out something I think may sometimes be overlooked and that is, becoming a family “takes time.”  One can’t just appear and expect to be the perfect parent overnight, even if they are a perfect parent! The child(ren)’s personality has developed as the result of another half of the parental partnership over a long period of time.  The best step-parent/step-child relationships are likely to develop slowly, over time.

Time and again the common theme became of one of clear communication and consistent boundaries.  A parent or step-parent can neither be affectionate nor disciplinarian without being able to share care and compassion.  Dr. Taylor went a step further when it came to a discussion regarding affection and discipline, particularly discipline.

Paraphrased:

As a step-parent, if you step in and say that I’m not part of that family or that issue and let the mother or father deal with that issue, the dynamic that you’re setting up over the long haul is dangerous.

It’s a marital issue and it’s a communication issue and both the biological parent and step-parent have to have a complete understanding about how these issues can play out.  If this is not clear throughout the entire family, the step-parent will neither have the respect nor the authority that is warranted in a normal functioning household.

What should be done when a step-child is simply not treating the step-parent well at all?

The family counselor stated that the biological parent must step-up and convey to the children that they must have respect and cordiality towards the step-parent.  It is not optional.  It is an expectation.  The love and family feeling will develop with a meaningful effort on all parties, including the children.

The psychiatrist also added to keep in mind, particularly with teens, that it is the teenager’s nature to “push back” and it’s rather likely that the step-parent is getting no more animosity in certain situations than a biological parent might expect to see.  She stressed it’s important to avoid taking this personally.  Have a broader view of what is taking place and avoid blaming it solely on the fact that you’re not the child’s biological parent.  There may be bigger issues at work here.

Some of the teens chimed in that for them, it was/is essential that the step-parent communicate early and often that you are all part of the “same team.”  You all love the biological parent and that can be a common thread on which to build a relationship.  It is not and will not ever be a competition between biological parents and step-parents.  We’re all just trying to get along the best way we know how with the resources we have available to do that.  It’s easiest to make a better life for all if all are doing the best they can towards that end.

All-in-all it was a well produced segment that managed to hit on most of the important issues as best as possible for what amounted to a 15-20 minute segment on subject that probably couldn’t cover all of the issues and dynamics in a mini-series!

How do some of these issues pertain to our own circumstances?

Oh, I suppose we could write for hours on this and somehow, I think DW and I are blessed that we entered into a step-situation while all of the children were fairly young, ranging in ages at the time of 3 - 5.  Those ages are the ones where it’s not an unrealistic expectation that children have very open-minds, are in love with everything, and are generally playful and can relate to others pretty well.

In our case, DW and I both took the approach that we would simply “let the children come to us.”  There wasn’t going to be any trying too hard.  We would give of ourselves what the children wanted and in the early weeks and months, it was primarily about simply being a presence in the children’s lives.

DW and I also are very communicative, both between ourselves and with the children.  We knew early on that our parenting styles meshed, were complimentary, and almost perfectly in-tune with one another.  With regard to discipline, our approach is that we each take the lead with our own children, but there is nothing that prevents us from disciplining any of the kids at any time when it’s appropriate.  There is no “waiting until” the other gets home.  It has made for excellent consistency for the kids and every single one of them knows what to expect from either of us - THE SAME THING and there is, I can say with the utmost confidence, no bias/favoritism/preference when it comes to discipline.  The same thing goes for positive reinforcement for anything - games, school, etc.

We all want the same thing for all the kids… happy, successful lives and the hopes to produce well-adjusted, responsible, loving, friendly grown-ups.

Both DW and I are affectionate people.  In the affection department, I have it much easier than DW.  I’ll bet you can all guess what the difference is and wherein the problems lie?

SS1 and SD1 are friendly, very affectionate kids.  Always have been and probably always will be.  They’re not afraid to show me affection - hugs and even kisses from those two are the norm.  Obviously, they are that way, even moreso, with their mother and father.  Part of the reason for that is we have a great relationship with their father.  There is no competition here.  I am another supporting, loving adult in their lives, POE and DW are mom and dad.  We all have that understanding and no one is a “threat” to anyone else’s place in the children’s lives.  It’s been an easy transition and everyone gets along wonderfully.

S1 and S2 are friendly, very affectionate kids.  Always have been and hopefully always will be.  And while they are affectionate towards DW, they’re not nearly as affectionate towards her as SS1 and SD1 are towards me.  It wasn’t always like that.  Hugs and even kisses were part of the norm back in the early days, but less so now.  Probably for the first 12-18 months, they would have no qualms about sitting right up next to DW and have a book read or greet her with a hug and a peck-on-the-cheek.

But here is where a poor relationship with a psycho-ex has an impact on the children.  As bad as the alienation has been towards me, it’s probably been equally as bad towards DW.  When the kids have not only the PEW, but much of her dysfunctional family bad-mouthing the people who are caring for them half the time - it can have a devastating impact on a their well-being.  It most certainly will impact their comfort level when it comes to expressing affection towards DW when their mother and grandparents and aunt and other people whom they love are speaking poorly about her.

Sadly, it’s easy to see that slight hesitation, even apprehension, when the boys “discover themselves” having too much fun with or wanting to express affection towards DW.  This is the by-product of PEW’s mission to alienate the children.  As a perceived “threat” to their loyalty to her, loving anyone else is against her rules.  The children know this.  The children have been taught this.  And they act accordingly.

Fortunately, 50/50 shared parenting has been a blessing that we hope to maintain into adulthood, when they will be free to be with and see whoever they want whenever they want and can make happen.  Since the fall of 2007, that comfort level and affection-showing has been creeping back into their lives.  They do more with DW, they laugh more with DW, and they express themselves with DW more now than they have since the early days.  They’re learning that it’s not wrong to love their father.  They’re learning that it’s not wrong to love DW.  It’s not always easy for them, but they have two people who love them teaching them that it’s okay to be loving and caring towards people who love and care for them.  We teach them that it’s not a competition and that their mother doesn’t “lose love” because they care for others, even if mom doesn’t like them for any reason (or no reason at all).  Slowly, they will be able to feel completely comfortable.  They will be able to shed that inner feeling that has been planted there by the PEW - that loving someone else is a betrayal of their mother that will not be tolerated.

Step-Parents generally don’t have it easy.  It takes a tremendous amount of work.  A tremendous amount of patience.  A tremendous amount of care and love.  It also takes a thick skin.  When it comes to ex-spouses and step-parenting, DW and I have one situation that is the best of the best and another situation that approaches the worst of the worst.  You can rest-assured that we understand both ends of the spectrum.  We have a near-perfect situation with DW’s ex-husband.  We have a near-disastrous situation with LM’s ex-wife.  Depending upon where your story falls along that line… you can rest assured, we understand it!

Other step-parenting posts…

It is no secret that some of the most downtrodden of fathers in our family court system come from the military. While off in other lands fighting wars on behalf of the freedom of others - on the home front, they’re not often given any protection when their spouse chooses to file for divorce in his absence. Oftentimes, that divorce is granted. Oftentimes, he doesn’t even know about it until he comes home from combat to find:

• He’s lost his family.
• He’s lost his children.
• He’s lost his home and all of his other assets.
• He’s a fugitive from justice for failure to pay child support while in combat.
• He’s credit is destroyed.
• That those he volunteered to help defend with his life, couldn’t give a rat’s ass about his predicament.

The Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act provides that - if a parent moves with a child(ren) to a new state, that new state becomes the child’s presumptive residence after six months. Unfortunately, the grim reality for military personnel is that deployments for war are often much longer than 6-months. In effect, a military spouse can move to another state while her spouse is deployed, divorce him, and then be almost guaranteed to gain custody of the child(ren) through the divorce proceedings in the new state. All of this is done in his absence. All of this is done while he is in no position to fight it. All of this is done with the help and because of the greed of our Family Court System.

There is almost nothing an enlisted man can do to stop it, either. Though the Servicemembers Civil Relief Act affords military personnel some small measures of protection while they are deployed (unavailable prior to 2003), the devastating impact on such circumstances is resulting in ever-increasing numbers of suicides by military personnel who are left homeless, without their children, with unreasonable child support orders, and in poverty because a wife decided to cut & run with the children, the money, the assets - everything - while he was deployed during war.

I urge you to spend the 5-1/2 minutes to watch this very powerful video - a tribute to a fallen hero, a decorated soldier and Purple-Heart Award recipient.

Thanks to SDDAD who brought this to our attention and offered the following commentary:

I work as a police dispatcher for mid size community in So Cal. I see and hear all sorts of things that usually just flow over me with very little reaction. It is a coping mech that helps us deal with the heartache and pain we deal with on a daily basis. Being a military town, one of the things that comes through our phones every now and then is the service member that comes home from deployment to find his (or her) spouse has left with the children. It is heart breaking. Somebody sent me this video the other day and it actually brought me to tears.

Warning, this is a very moving and sad clip. It is not graphic in any sense other than that message it projects. But should you watch it…when you are done, please pay tribute to those that serve their country. Everything we have is due to their service and sacrifice.

To the men and women serving in our armed forces…THANK YOU!

It brought tears to my eyes, too.  We really appreciate you sharing this.  I recently sat down and spoke at length with an enlisted man about this site and what we try to do in helping others through tough times.  This occurred about 2-weeks ago.  I promised him that I would do some posts to bring light to the special suffering that is brought upon “many of my friends in the military” (his words) who are going through just such situations and need help.

SDDAD gave us a powerful way to start.

Thanks again to the men and women who serve in our armed forces. You endure enough with your work and should not have to be treated so awfully when you return.  Our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Another in what is sure to be a long line of stories we post regarding the bias against fathers in family court situations, I offer you the case of the missing Norris children, Parker and Preston - aged 2 and 3.

Their boys’ 27-year old mother, Nicole Butcher, allegedly kidnaps the children and flees their home area of Kitittas, Washington.  She does not have custody of the children.  She allegedly also left a suicide note and authorities were quick to put forth the excuse that “she is suicidal” after their discovery and apprehension in Nevada.

From the article:

Investigators said Butcher was not placed under arrest because the situation has more domestic implications than criminal ones.

This may be surprising to some, but it’s not to me if you look for and read enough stories.  The media and the authorities, across a broad range of topics, lean heavily towards finding excuses and justifications for women’s crimes & associated sentencing.  It’s in civil matters.  It’s in criminal matters.  And it’s not a secret that it’s a huge problem in family court.

In this case, a mother who appears not to have custody of the children, kidnaps and flees the state.  Soon after their discovery, are there any local arrests?  No.  Are there any Federal arrests for kidnapping and fleeing across state lines?  Nope.  Is there excuse-making and justification for the mother’s actions?  There sure are and it’s not uncommon, either.

Forgive my apparent lack of sympathy, but the reality is that if the gender roles were reversed and this situation involved a father who kidnapped his children (sans custody rights) and left behind a menacing note threatening harm to self or others - there would be no sympathetic reporter writing a story.  There would be no sympathetic federal, state, and/or local authorities expressing concern of the mental stability of the father to justify not arresting him and charging him with kidnapping.

His ass would be in jail.  End of story.

Not a mother, though.  Too often there is some kind of excuse or justification for their criminal action which, if they even garner arrest and charges… assuming a successful prosecution, the female will most certainly receive a lesser sentence than a man, all things being relatively equal.  It’s often referred to as “The Female Sentencing Discount.”

It’s wrong.  It’s sad.  It needs constant exposure.  It needs to stop.

For the full article: Missing Kitittas Boys Found Safe in Nevada

Because he’s dead and people want his money!  HOORAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!! Not.

In Broward County, Florida - an un-named father dies when he is struck by a car.  This father was stripped of his parental rights to his daughter, and perhaps rightly so as he was allegedly a serious drug addict.  That is not what is important in this story.

In death, the courts are considering restoring his parental rights!  Amazing as that sounds, that’s not even the issue.

What is at issue is how a story like this exemplifies what is truly at the root of the manipulations by the family court systems throughout this country as well as how the mainstream media tends to accentuate vilifying a father while shielding the mother who is guilty (in this case) of the same thing as dad.    Bottom line - It’s all about the money!

From the article:

In life, he was a lousy father.

His love for the crack pipe was mightier than the love for his children, a Broward judge decided, and ended his parental rights to his pre-teen daughter….

That’s a tragedy and a shame.  What’s abundantly clear from this article, if you read carefully enough, is that the mother was a drug addict, too!  That only gets a passing mention much later in the article.  However, dumping on dad as quoted above is what opens the article.

Dad appealed the ruling that stripped him of his parental rights.  However, before the case could be heard, he met with his untimely and tragic death.

From the article:

In a case believed to be a first in Florida, the Fourth District Court of Appeal in West Palm Beach has ordered Broward Circuit Judge John Frusciante to reconsider his order ending C.A.’s rights as a father. Perhaps, the court says, it is in the girl’s “best interests” to retain a relationship with C.A. now that he is dead.

At stake: perhaps a large sum of money. If the girl — who is not named in the appeals court decision — has no legal ties to her father, she would have no right to claim any proceeds from a wrongful-death lawsuit that may be filed by her father’s estate, the opinion says.

In a previous post:  BIOTCH! I do a brief about how disgusted I am at the grotesque use of the term “Best Interests of the Children” as both a sword and a shield to justify some of the most callous things I see, hear, and read about regarding family court.

One need not be a genius to realize that this has less to do with the BIOTCH, and everything to do with the money.  There is little question that the courts wouldn’t be reconsidering restoring the parental rights to a DEAD MAN if there wasn’t the possibility of there to be money made off of the deal.

“We must not forget that the overriding concern in [cases involving the termination of a parent's rights] is for the best interests of the child, not the parents,” the opinion states.   “The state initiates [termination] proceedings, not to punish parents who fail to met their obligations to the child, but to protect the child and her interests.”

And if there is money to be made, well, we’ll give the dead father back his parental rights.  Another example of the state using BIOTCH to shield themselves from rather well-deserved criticism for what amounts to restoring dad’s rights to gain access to the money that could be made from his death.

First - the girl probably won’t see the lion’s share of any money that may be forthcoming as the state will undoubtedly want to take large chunks of it to “reimburse” themselves for the costs of taking the children away from the parents in the first place.

Second - I wonder, assuming CASH is in the “best interests of the children,” had dad hit the lottery for many millions, would they would have restored his parental rights?  I can’t answer that question, maybe they would have if it meant they could profit from it.  At least now, with Dad being dead, they can get to his cash without him being able to defend himself - not that he would have been able to defend himself from Family Court money grabs if he were alive.

Finally, I doubt you’ll see this dead father’s rights restored one MINUTE before his estate files the wrongful death suit.  Sicker would be if they withhold restoring his rights until after a judgment has been secured on the potential suit.  If there is no money to be had, there is no purpose to restoring dead-dad’s rights.  In fact, I’d be willing to bet that the system is too stupid to do so regardless, even just to avoid appearing to be doing this solely for the money.

The estate’s attorney should immediately move to withdraw this man’s appeal.

Read the full article here:  In Death, Broward Father May Become Dad Again

Excepts of this post are from the book about Borderline Personality Disorder, Understanding The Borderline Mother, by Dr. Christine Lawson. In it, she describes four typical roles that often define the BPD:

• Waif
• Hermit
• Queen
• Witch

The Waif is the helpless BPD.  She lives in intense emotional chaos and forms deeply enmeshed relationships with others who they’re hoping will manage their emotions on their behalf.  She turns to addictive behaviors to self-soothe and lives in a permanent pattern of panic attacks and suicidal episodes.  These are both expressions of their pain and a way to attract soothing, sympathetic attention from others.

The Hermit is the fearful BPD. She lives in total fear and refuses any kind of assistance or intervention.  She refuses to acknowledge any mistakes.  She isolates herself, is perpetually negative, and and tends to be obsessed with control, something of which they have very little.

The Queen is the controlling and entitled BPD.  She considers herself the ultimate authority and completely entitled, as if she were some kind of “Queen of the Imaginary Castle.”  She is demanding, intimidating, and viciously vindictive.  She refuses any kind of acceptance of responsibility or consequences because, of course, they have no faults and make no mistakes. The can front as alternately charming along with any one or more of the aforementioned characteristics.

The Witch is the sadistic BPD.  She is the ultimate in intimidating.  She uses rage, emotional control, and/or physical violence rather than charm.  She thinks everyone is out to get them no matter the circumstances or situation.  She is highly motivated by fear and suspicion.  She seeks to bolster her self-esteem and the illusion of power at the expense of others.

It takes a different approach to handle the type of borderline with which you’re dealing.

Dealing with the Waif requires you to avoid getting pulled into her crises.  You must avoid feeding her complete sense of victimization.  They will prey on your good nature and tendency to want to “rescue” or “save” them from whatever their latest issue is. The Waif lives off of these characteristics of the non-BPD and if you fail to avoid these mistakes, you will find yourself in a never-ending cycle of “rescues.”

With the Hermit, you must avoid internalizing their fears.  Doing so only perpetuates fear and avoidance on the part of the Hermit.  It will actually escalate their characteristics.  Additionally, by acquiescing to their fears and self-limiting behavior, it won’t be long before you find your life marked by the same outcomes.  You will stop seeing friends.  You will stop doing activities and hobbies.   You will become a hermit by default.

The Queen should not be permitted to gain the “upper hand” on you.  Anything the Queen does for you that is seemingly beneficial is coming to you with strings attached.  There is an expectation for something in return for being the recipient of her graciousness. Maximum entitlement for the Queen at maximum cost to you is what drives this BPD.

With the Witch comes your greatest risk of being a victim of domestic violence.  It is a wise person who avoids being left alone for extended periods of time with the Witch, if at all.  The Witch employs maximum destruction on your emotional well-being and potentially - your physical safety (and those around you, including your children).  Distance is the key to dealing with the Witch BPD.

Other coping strategies including:

The “Firm but Sensitive” Approach - Personal validation, important in any situation, is essential with a borderline parent. Express your awareness of their emotions even while setting boundaries.

Trust In Yourself - Many children of borderline parents indicate that they felt “crazy” growing up. They experience a childhood full of inconsistencies.  An action or statement that earned praise one day would spark a days-long silent treatment and/or rage the next day.  Additionally, sudden outbursts and overreactions are the norm.   Children growing in such an environment never learn to trust their own judgments or feelings.  Know that you weren’t crazy, that you’re not crazy, and that you’re not alone!

Trust In Others - People who’ve navigated through childhood with a borderline parent often suffer from feelings of worthlessness, fears of abandonment, and fears of people (generally) because they grew up receiving the mixed-message: You’re a wonderful person (one day)… You’re a horrible person (the next day).  The child has grown to expect that someone that they love or trust implicitly could turn on them at any given moment.

Defending Boundaries - Children of borderline parents are often forced to act as the parent themselves.  Given that the BPD’s mental and intellectual growth is considered stunted to about the age of 8 - 12 years old (in some circles), it’s as though a child is raising a child.  Therefore,  children of the borderline mother often grow up very quickly.  They often become caretaker of siblings and even end up acting as caretaker for everyone.  This will occur at the expense of taking care of themselves and they grow up missing out on a great many of the “normal things/experiences” that children should have.   Learn to put yourself first.

We often highly recommend that a person who is dealing with (or has dealt with) a BPD in their lives seek counseling/therapy for themselves.  Not only will this enable you to understand the BPD better, but it will help you in getting over those parts of your personality that may have developed as a result, putting you at greater risk of poor interpersonal relationships as you have grown into adulthood.