The Psycho Ex Wife

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Ah, the great irony with a foundation of another husband’s lifeless body. Too bad Anthony Rankins didn’t have any of the help that is afforded female victims of domestic violence. Perhaps he would be alive today. The Violence Against Women’s Act is a scourge on society. Our Federal tax dollars, numbering into the multiple billions, are allocated to help one gender against domestic violence - women - to the exclusion of men and boys. While this should be unconstitutional, it continues to fester, sucking the life out of men and boys unable to obtain meaningful help from Federally funded DV shelters (because for all intents and purposes - they simply don’t exist). It also sucks billions in federal tax dollars that already being wasted on an industry that has been shown to be ineffective, has little to no oversight, and cannot even begin to justify their existence.

One of those fighting on Capitol Hill, or at least she was before being taken into custody for murdering her husband of only 5-days - Arelisha Bridges - a registered lobbyist with the group called National Declaration of Domestic Violence Order. Anthony Rankins, presumably extracting himself from a situation that was escalating at the hands of this murderous woman, was gunned down in the street, having been followed there by a nightgown-clad Arelisha Bridges. The same Arelisha Bridges who reportedly is a champion fighting to stop domestic violence against women (only).

From the article in the Atlanta Journal-Constitution:

Witnesses told police that Bridges was wearing a nightgown and a shower cap as she argued with Rankins on the sidewalk on North Avenue near West Peachtree Street around 10:45 p.m. Monday.

And moments later, witnesses said, they heard shots. They said she then “calmly walked away.”

A MARTA police officer stopped her as she was getting into her car, perhaps to return to her home nearby on Centennial Olympic Park Drive.

So, it would appear she traveled some distance in order to cold-bloodedly gun down her husband and “calmly walk away.”  A representative for the Georgia Commission on Family Violence, ironically enough named Kirsten Rambo, was quick to distance Bridges and her organization from the cause, claiming that she hadn’t previously heard of Bridges’ organization.

Too bad for Anthony Rankins.  How soon before we hear how oppressive and violent he was and that Arelisha Bridges had no choice but to dress in her finest nightgown and shower-cap, drive across town, and ambush Anthony Rankins right on the street in front of witnesses?  I’d say if Arelisha Bridges hasn’t already done it, she will be doing it shortly.  After all, dead men don’t make good witnesses.  When a husband or boyfriend has been gunned down in cold blood, the stories of untold violence come out of the wood work.  I’m sure the defense will spit on Anthony Rankins’ grave soon enough.

We’ve seen it countless times before and we’ll see it countless more times in the future until society begins to accept that women initiate domestic violence at least as often as men… and then actually do something about protecting men and boys equally with women who are actual victims.

One of the many benefits of the Mr. Custody Coach website, are the radio shows.  Along with the efforts that are made to help people plan to win child custody in a more meaningful capacity, there are many articles and programs that discuss the issues that are an inherent part of the process.  The radio program helps support the many articles on the Mr. Custody Coach blog as well as the information that is accessed by the membership.

In addition to several important guests who have been a part of recent programs, such as Bill Eddy from the High Conflict Institute (discussing choosing an attorney) and Jan Elizabeth Brown from the Domestic Abuse Helpline for Men and Women (discussing domestic violence issues and helping all victims regardless of gender) - Mr. Custody Coach has covered other important topics which are summarized below.  MRCC also has many other great guests and topics to come!

The best part is, even if you cannot listen live, the programs are available here and on the Mr. Custody Coach websites “on-demand” so that everyone can listen to the programs when it’s convenient for their schedules.  Please be sure to visit, sign-up if you’re in need of services, or even download the recently released e-book: Creating Custody Agreements for a low introductory price.  We are certain that you will find the information extremely helpful in preparing a plan in advance of meeting with an attorney so that you can spend your time and money on the implementation of your plan - where those resources are better allocated.  (The e-book is free with membership.)

SCHEDULE: Upcoming Shows

October 28, 2009 2PM EST - Low Contact: Why and How to Implement

Join us as we discuss what low contact is, how it will benefit your family and how you go about implementing low contact in your current custody situation.

PAST SHOWS

October 21, 2009 2PM EST - Choosing A Custody/Divorce Lawyer With Expert Bill Eddy

Bill Eddy joined us and discussed what you need to look for when choosing an attorney, particularly if your custody situation is of the high-conflict variety.  In addition, there was plenty of discussion about the characteristics of the high-conflict personalities both in litigants and attorneys and how people can make the best possible choices as they move forward with their situation.

October 14, 2009 2PM EST - Domestic Violence With Expert Jan Brown:

Jan Brown joined us to discuss domestic violence facts and fiction.  Additionally, discussion centered around the resources that are available to both men and women as well as some recent domestic violence law changes that have found resources to be unfairly geared towards only women while providing no benefits for battered men and their male children.

October 7, 2009 - Dirty Tricks Used in Custody Battles:

Michael and Lexi discussed several of the dirty tricks used in custody battles that many have experienced and are commonly a part of high-conflict divorce and custody disputes.

September 30, 2009 - Custody Agreement Do’s and Don’ts:

During the inaugural show, Michael and Lexi covered many of the “dos and don’ts” that need consideration when crafting a custody/parenting plan.  Depending upon individual circumstances, a shared parenting plan or a primary/secondary parenting plan may be implemented.  This helpful program discussed how the custody agreement can often create as many problems as it solves.

You can join and participate in the live programs for free!  However, you must register at blogtalk radio to participate in live chat here: Join The Chat During The Show

We hope that you will participate live, and if you can’t, simply come back, listen, and maybe learn some things.  You can do that here or at the Mr. Custody Coach website.

Consider this a follow-up to the guest post:  “It’s Not That They Won’t, They Can’t”

For those of us dealing with a situation in which we have to interact with a borderline (or suspected borderline), this follow-up offers an overview of the drivers of their behaviors and their inability to control them without intervention.  It can be difficult to wrap our heads around, but if you can set aside your own personal experiences for just a moment and consider the illness, it does offer important, if not “difficult to digest” insight.

———-

WATCH OUT FOR THE “BORDER-LION”

Have you ever wondered why your ex-partner (or partner’s ex-partner) can have hysterical outbursts, hitting objects and even threatening violence toward others? There is a technical name for this behavior: impulsive aggression.

In my book The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells, I call it the “border-lion” because it’s a ferocious beast that is uncaged when person’s emotions are so strong and overwhelming they can’t be contained. (Impulsive aggression is not exclusive to BPD, but a component of several impulse control disorders such as intermittent explosive disorder.)

Impulsive aggression:

• Is impulsive, unplanned, and reckless (that is, the person gives no thought to the consequences of his actions). Impulsivity is a key point.
• Can be triggered by threats of rejection or abandonment paired with frustration.
• Is like a biological “tug-of-war” between the logical and emotional aspects of the brain, in which the logical side loses. These aggressive tendencies can be inherited.
• It comprises verbal hostility, physical hostility, or both, with the purpose of hurting another person or self.
• It can: be turned outward, (such as outbursts, rages, hitting objects, or violence toward others) or inward (such as suicide attempts or self-injury).

The first rule of communicating with an enraged BP is know when not to communicate! Safety, physical and emotional, always comes first. Here is an excerpt from The Essential Family Guide:

Gauge the intensity of your family member’s anger on a scale of one to ten, with ten being high. According to Christopher Bojrab, MD, people with BPD may be able to calm themselves down when the emotional level ranges from one to five. At six and above, without treatment they may not be able to calm themselves down.

If your family member is at a six or higher, visualize the emotional centers of his brain going ka-ching! ka-ching! ka-ching! like a slot machine spewing forth tokens. Your family member’s thoughts and feelings are warped and what he’s saying makes about as much sense as throwing away your hard-earned money in games you know are designed to put your cash into the casino’s pocket.

Don’t listen to your family member berate you and call you names. Right now, he can’t see your point of view or think through the effects of his interactions with others. It’s not that he won’t; it’s that he can’t. Verbal abuse harms you: ongoing, repeated verbal assaults can be every bit as emotionally devastating as physical battering-especially when it is meted out by an intimate partner or by someone in a position of authority. Anxiety, low self-esteem, and depression are all tied to verbal abuse.

Instead, bring the interaction to a temporary close. Say, “I will not discuss this any more if you continue to yell. I am willing to be supportive and listen if you can tell me what it is you want and need.” If the rage continues, leave immediately (or ask your family member to leave).

Repeat any of the following statements. Don’t argue or try to have the last word. Notice that these statements don’t point fingers at your family director:

• “I want to hear about it, but it’s hard for me when things get too emotional” (instead of “you get too emotional”).
• “We’ll talk later, when things calm down. I want to give you my full attention, and that’s too hard for me to do right now.”
• “I can’t listen right now. Not until things are calmer.”
• “Let me have a little while to calm down and then we can talk.”

Say to yourself:

• “I am not going to take this personally. This is the border-lion talking.”
• “If I stay here and argue, things are going to escalate. If I stay and get beaten down, it’s going to hurt me and the relationship.”
• “My family member can’t grasp all that right now, but I can. I am deciding to do what’s best, even if it doesn’t feel comfortable right now. It will get more comfortable as I keep doing it.”

Although impulsive aggression has a genetic basic and can be treated with medication, that doesn’t excuse the behavior. But keeping this in mind may help you depersonalize it.

IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. IT’S PROBABLY NOT ABOUT ANY IMMEDIATE ISSUES BUT SOMETHING DEEPER.

Sources:

1. http://www.mhsanctuary.com/Borderline/siever.htm

2. The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder: New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells (2008) Hazelden Publishing.

Let’s make a list of all the rules and guidelines that should be set regarding custody and child support in this country, sort of your wish list, based on what would truly be best for the children and equality for BOTH parents. I’ll start:

A woman gets pregnant.  Since she can abort up to 24-weeks with no input from the father, thus ending her responsibility, the father has 24-weeks from whenever he finds out he has a child (or is expecting one) to decide if he really wants to accept the child as his own. (I know this is a shocker for most people, but really, women get to decide everything, this is only fair, and would certainly make women think twice about birth control/sex if they thought they might be 100% responsible for caring for the child.) There could be an addendum to the rule that a contract is signed between the parties before sex/conception that indicates both are willing to parent any child created between them between certain dates and neither parent could then abdicate responsibility… i.e. accept responsibility before having sex, acknowledging that sex can ZOMG - lead to a child, DUH!

A woman MUST inform a father before a child is born that he is the father, or she forfeits ANY child support she may be entitled to at any time. If she is incorrect about the father, SORRY, it is now his choice if he wants to support the child, when he finally finds out, he has the 24-weeks to decide.

Shared parenting is mandatory unless it is proven in criminal court that one parent or the other has, or, is at risk of endangering the child, whether that means physically or emotionally. This includes fathers who find out years later that they have a child.  Yep, sorry Mom, he is back in your life and not just to give you money!

Child support is based on actual expenses for the child, possibly going by the consumer price index that currently spells out acceptable expenses for bankruptcy filings, or some other reasonable index that accounts for costs and not spending habits (as it currently does). Each parent puts their portion into a monthly fund and the reasonable expenses are paid for from there. In 50/50 shared parenting, there would be no child support since each parent would have the child half of the time and would be responsible for half of the expenses. If a parent has been deemed unfit or decided not to participate in the child’s life for personal or professional reasons such as living too far away, the child support would go into the fund, and the parent receiving the child support would be responsible for providing a running account of expenses paid for the child and/or provide legitimate receipts that would initiate disposition of funds from the child support fund.  At the date of emancipation, any unused funds shall be returned to the payer of child support.

Mandatory DNA testing at birth for everyone.  If the father is unknown at the time of birth, mandatory DNA testing will take place for anyone filing for child support against a purported father before any judgment is made.

States do not receive funding based on how much child support they collect, they receive funding based on how many children have both parents in their life a minimum of 40% of the time.

Punishments for custodial interference shall be equal to those of not paying child support, including loss of license, certifications, seizing of bank accounts and tax returns, up to and including jail time and will pursued with the same speed, viciousness, and vigor as currently for those who fail to pay child support.

False abuse allegations in custody cases are met with mandatory jail time of not less than the minimum time the falsely accused faced if convicted.

Parental alienation, if proven to be deliberate, consistent, and ongoing shall result in an immediate and complete loss of physical custody to the targeted parent.  The offending parent will be granted supervised visitation for a period of not less than a year and can apply to have some physical custody reinstated if they can show that they have completed (successfully) courses on parental alienation and parenting with exemplary grades.

That’s a healthy start… now it’s time for you to add yours to the list…

A few weeks ago, the Today Show on NBC had a segment called “Teens and Step-Families” which featured a panel of a couple of “experts” and a group of teens from around the country to share their experiences.

On their parents dating:

Only 1 of the 10 had an issue with their parent dating.  One young lady was upset that her father started dating after her mother died.  He began to see someone a little more than a year after his wife’s death.  She went on to say that eventually she realized that she needed to be more mature and understanding about the situation, even though at 12, that can be a pretty lofty expectation.  We would imagine that going through what are almost always difficult teen years, between hormones, relationship developments with peers, schooling, pending adulthood - the introduction of a new adult figure in your life, especially given the mother was deceased, can only add to that angst.

On the new adult taking on a parental role:

The teens were asked about how forcefully or quickly the new parental-figure in their lives tried to establish a parental-role in the household.  One young-man said that in his mother’s case (step-father), the man did try to establish his authority over the children and that sometimes caused issues between mom and step-dad as well as between the kids and step-dad.  Interestingly, it was because they (the kids) “didn’t always agree” with the sanctions.  I’m not sure I know too many kids who agree with any discipline no matter who it comes from.

On the strangeness or weirdness of seeing your parent being affectionate with a new partner:

One young man spoke about how his biological parents were typically openly affectionate with one another and that his advice to people in similar situations was to “get over it.”  He went on to say that parents are entitled to be affectionate with their new partners and to express love and good feelings for one another.  It has to be expected and accepted.

Still another young lady made some very salient points about the experiences and feelings of the children.  She said that one of the things that she struggled with was the conflict about her feelings of fairness with regard to her mother carrying on her life and her own feelings of loss and disappointment at the broken family.

Paraphrasing:

We may disregard our own feelings about certain situations we experience because we know that our parents are entitled to carry on with their own lives.  We know that they are allowed to spend the rest of their lives with someone if that’s what they choose to do.  Still, it conflicts with our own feelings about how disappointed we are that our parents didn’t stay together in the first place.  We sacrifice our own feelings for the sake of our parent’s feelings.

The kids want to assure their parents that everything is “just fine” even though everything may not be.  So, it would appear that in addition to the struggles that children sometimes find themselves in when their biological parents split (blaming themselves somehow for the break-up), they find themselves with some sort of emotional whiplash in trying to avoid any appearance of being the cause for upset in their new relationship.

On the subject of the addition of new family members (half-siblings):

I was pleasantly surprised to see that none of the 10 teen panelists felt “left out” or like the “odd person out” when children were born of the new relationship.  Clearly, 10 people don’t represent a cross-section of all of the children in step-situations, so I think it’s safe to assume that there may be some level of awkwardness that would hopefully wane over time.

The discipline issue:

Several struggled with the issue of discipline as it came from the new step-parent.  One young man told of being very apprehensive and defiant in the face of discipline that came from his step-mother.  However, he said that with the backing of his father, it wasn’t long before he learned that he needed to listen.  He was often faced with his father telling him in every situation that the approach that step-mom took in each scenario was appropriate and that she was correct and knew what she was doing.  The teen went on to say that it became difficult to be defiant when your biological parent was there reinforcing that what step-mom was undertaking was appropriate in his eyes, too.  “Over the years, it became much more easy to listen to her.”

Another young man spoke of being a “momma’s boy” and being protective of his mother, so when she brought someone new home, he would do everything in his power to act mean and obnoxious and try to run the new guy off!  He continued to explain that as he looks back on it now that he is older, he realizes that he needed to be much more mature in his treatment of others and that communication is essential to make that happen.  He was referring to the child communicating more and more effectively with the parent, stating that if you are more open and communicative with your parent about how you’re feeling (and why) - everyone can work together to create more harmony and less upset.

Only one of the teens expressed never really connecting with her step-mother, primarily because she “wasn’t a very good listener” when she tried to express herself.

On the subject of existing new family members (step-siblings):

Several indicated that the step-parent showed “favoritism” towards their own children versus the step-children.  Explanations seemed to show that “favoritism” was not necessarily the best term to use.  One teen, however, looks back and surmises that the step-parent is probably concerned with the appearance of trying to “take over” for the biological parent.  As result, there was an understanding of the different levels of affection/attention shown towards the biological children versus the step-children.  They have a better understanding as older teens at the struggles that all step-parents face.

Dr. Janet Taylor - a psychiatrist - supported the assertions of the teen panel by reinforcing that communication is essential to a successful transition, even if it’s not the easiest thing to accomplish.  Setting boundaries and being clear about expectations won’t happen by default.  Further, if the step-parent and biological parent are on the same page and convey similar messages, the transition can expect to be the smoothest.

Gary Neuman - family counselor and author - focused on the integration of step-parents into a teen child’s life.  Given the changes and relationship development that is happening in the teen’ s life and social circles, the addition of a new parental figure can be especially stressful.  Gary pointed out something I think may sometimes be overlooked and that is, becoming a family “takes time.”  One can’t just appear and expect to be the perfect parent overnight, even if they are a perfect parent! The child(ren)’s personality has developed as the result of another half of the parental partnership over a long period of time.  The best step-parent/step-child relationships are likely to develop slowly, over time.

Time and again the common theme became of one of clear communication and consistent boundaries.  A parent or step-parent can neither be affectionate nor disciplinarian without being able to share care and compassion.  Dr. Taylor went a step further when it came to a discussion regarding affection and discipline, particularly discipline.

Paraphrased:

As a step-parent, if you step in and say that I’m not part of that family or that issue and let the mother or father deal with that issue, the dynamic that you’re setting up over the long haul is dangerous.

It’s a marital issue and it’s a communication issue and both the biological parent and step-parent have to have a complete understanding about how these issues can play out.  If this is not clear throughout the entire family, the step-parent will neither have the respect nor the authority that is warranted in a normal functioning household.

What should be done when a step-child is simply not treating the step-parent well at all?

The family counselor stated that the biological parent must step-up and convey to the children that they must have respect and cordiality towards the step-parent.  It is not optional.  It is an expectation.  The love and family feeling will develop with a meaningful effort on all parties, including the children.

The psychiatrist also added to keep in mind, particularly with teens, that it is the teenager’s nature to “push back” and it’s rather likely that the step-parent is getting no more animosity in certain situations than a biological parent might expect to see.  She stressed it’s important to avoid taking this personally.  Have a broader view of what is taking place and avoid blaming it solely on the fact that you’re not the child’s biological parent.  There may be bigger issues at work here.

Some of the teens chimed in that for them, it was/is essential that the step-parent communicate early and often that you are all part of the “same team.”  You all love the biological parent and that can be a common thread on which to build a relationship.  It is not and will not ever be a competition between biological parents and step-parents.  We’re all just trying to get along the best way we know how with the resources we have available to do that.  It’s easiest to make a better life for all if all are doing the best they can towards that end.

All-in-all it was a well produced segment that managed to hit on most of the important issues as best as possible for what amounted to a 15-20 minute segment on subject that probably couldn’t cover all of the issues and dynamics in a mini-series!

How do some of these issues pertain to our own circumstances?

Oh, I suppose we could write for hours on this and somehow, I think DW and I are blessed that we entered into a step-situation while all of the children were fairly young, ranging in ages at the time of 3 - 5.  Those ages are the ones where it’s not an unrealistic expectation that children have very open-minds, are in love with everything, and are generally playful and can relate to others pretty well.

In our case, DW and I both took the approach that we would simply “let the children come to us.”  There wasn’t going to be any trying too hard.  We would give of ourselves what the children wanted and in the early weeks and months, it was primarily about simply being a presence in the children’s lives.

DW and I also are very communicative, both between ourselves and with the children.  We knew early on that our parenting styles meshed, were complimentary, and almost perfectly in-tune with one another.  With regard to discipline, our approach is that we each take the lead with our own children, but there is nothing that prevents us from disciplining any of the kids at any time when it’s appropriate.  There is no “waiting until” the other gets home.  It has made for excellent consistency for the kids and every single one of them knows what to expect from either of us - THE SAME THING and there is, I can say with the utmost confidence, no bias/favoritism/preference when it comes to discipline.  The same thing goes for positive reinforcement for anything - games, school, etc.

We all want the same thing for all the kids… happy, successful lives and the hopes to produce well-adjusted, responsible, loving, friendly grown-ups.

Both DW and I are affectionate people.  In the affection department, I have it much easier than DW.  I’ll bet you can all guess what the difference is and wherein the problems lie?

SS1 and SD1 are friendly, very affectionate kids.  Always have been and probably always will be.  They’re not afraid to show me affection - hugs and even kisses from those two are the norm.  Obviously, they are that way, even moreso, with their mother and father.  Part of the reason for that is we have a great relationship with their father.  There is no competition here.  I am another supporting, loving adult in their lives, POE and DW are mom and dad.  We all have that understanding and no one is a “threat” to anyone else’s place in the children’s lives.  It’s been an easy transition and everyone gets along wonderfully.

S1 and S2 are friendly, very affectionate kids.  Always have been and hopefully always will be.  And while they are affectionate towards DW, they’re not nearly as affectionate towards her as SS1 and SD1 are towards me.  It wasn’t always like that.  Hugs and even kisses were part of the norm back in the early days, but less so now.  Probably for the first 12-18 months, they would have no qualms about sitting right up next to DW and have a book read or greet her with a hug and a peck-on-the-cheek.

But here is where a poor relationship with a psycho-ex has an impact on the children.  As bad as the alienation has been towards me, it’s probably been equally as bad towards DW.  When the kids have not only the PEW, but much of her dysfunctional family bad-mouthing the people who are caring for them half the time - it can have a devastating impact on a their well-being.  It most certainly will impact their comfort level when it comes to expressing affection towards DW when their mother and grandparents and aunt and other people whom they love are speaking poorly about her.

Sadly, it’s easy to see that slight hesitation, even apprehension, when the boys “discover themselves” having too much fun with or wanting to express affection towards DW.  This is the by-product of PEW’s mission to alienate the children.  As a perceived “threat” to their loyalty to her, loving anyone else is against her rules.  The children know this.  The children have been taught this.  And they act accordingly.

Fortunately, 50/50 shared parenting has been a blessing that we hope to maintain into adulthood, when they will be free to be with and see whoever they want whenever they want and can make happen.  Since the fall of 2007, that comfort level and affection-showing has been creeping back into their lives.  They do more with DW, they laugh more with DW, and they express themselves with DW more now than they have since the early days.  They’re learning that it’s not wrong to love their father.  They’re learning that it’s not wrong to love DW.  It’s not always easy for them, but they have two people who love them teaching them that it’s okay to be loving and caring towards people who love and care for them.  We teach them that it’s not a competition and that their mother doesn’t “lose love” because they care for others, even if mom doesn’t like them for any reason (or no reason at all).  Slowly, they will be able to feel completely comfortable.  They will be able to shed that inner feeling that has been planted there by the PEW - that loving someone else is a betrayal of their mother that will not be tolerated.

Step-Parents generally don’t have it easy.  It takes a tremendous amount of work.  A tremendous amount of patience.  A tremendous amount of care and love.  It also takes a thick skin.  When it comes to ex-spouses and step-parenting, DW and I have one situation that is the best of the best and another situation that approaches the worst of the worst.  You can rest-assured that we understand both ends of the spectrum.  We have a near-perfect situation with DW’s ex-husband.  We have a near-disastrous situation with LM’s ex-wife.  Depending upon where your story falls along that line… you can rest assured, we understand it!

Other step-parenting posts…