The Psycho Ex Wife

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I notice one interesting phenomenon when I deal with folks who are going through divorce, or a modification of their existing divorce order, and one of the parties is “psycho”. Now, I put that label in quotes, because there are actually three kinds:

1. The one where both parties are still in the “divorce crazy” phase; and sometimes one is more noticeably in that phase than the other;
2. The one where the party being called “psycho” really is not – it’s merely one more disparaging term used by an exasperated ex-spouse, or their attorney;
3. The one where one of the parties truly is mentally ill, whether actually diagnosed, treated, or not.

In this particular post, I’m going to address that third type.

I’m going to start with my own personal experience. My children’s father was not a high-conflict personality – but he was indeed (diagnosed) mentally ill. His behavior during our marriage became verifiably dangerous, especially toward the children. I, meanwhile, was determined to be the long-suffering stick-together-through-it-all wife… even though my husband was clearly harming our children, and even though he was not receiving the mental health treatment he desperately needed.

Our divorce was inevitable. Also inevitable was my attitude of absolute innocence. The end of our marriage was clearly 100% his fault, if fault could be assigned anywhere at all. Clearly, there was nothing I could do to prevent the downfall of our marriage, and clearly, I was a victim. Of circumstance, of an insidious illness, of my violent husband. And so, as I journeyed through my post-divorce healing period, I saw no reason to stand up and take accountability for my own part in creating the current situation. From where I sat, I had no accountability to take. I hadn’t created this.

And with this mindset, I cheated myself. I robbed myself of valuable growth, I set myself up for repeated relationship failures (can you spell “jerk-magnet”?), and I inadvertently taught my children that it was better to avoid accountability than own up to their behavior.

I have noticed that in my Divorce Coach practice, a good many of my clients are inclined to do this same thing. It becomes very easy to blame the psycho ex-wife or psycho ex-husband for everything that subsequently goes wrong, without owning your part in the behaviors and the outcomes that result.

For example: do the kids fight? (more…)

More of the same moronic “Fathers Not Needed” single motherhood by choice tripe from an out-of-touch television and movie star comes forth from Jennifer Aniston, a woman not known for making some of the smartest choices in life as it is.  And the truth of the matter is that “…any publicity is good publicity…” is really the premeditated order of the day for her movie The Switch.  Still, the subject does require some short discussion about how truly dangerous it is for children and for society this whole foolishness of single motherhood by choice.

During a recent press conference to hawk her forthcoming movie, Jennifer Aniston said on single motherhood by choice:

“Women are realizing it more and more knowing that they don’t have to settle with a man just to have that child, times have changed and that is also what is amazing is that we do have so many options these days, as opposed to our parents’ days when you can’t have children because you have waited too long.”

Well, that certainly may be true, but what hasn’t really changed is the dramatic increase in negative outcomes for children and for society for those raised by these “amazing” women in fatherless homes, including:

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A great article (or series) on Fathers and Fatherhood. I’m thrilled to see this myth debunked.  The BBC had undertaken a series about Fatherhood from a “historical, scientific, and literary perspective.” This article is called The Myth of the Tyrannical Dad.

Though I’m sure many of us may have experienced our fair share of harsh punishments and perhaps even heard stories of generations within your own family past, I remember my father as every bit as loving, nurturing, affectionate, and involved in our lives despite working very hard to keep a roof over our heads and providing for us more than just the basics in life.

Further, I remember my grandfather being much the same way and heard wonderful stories about his father before him.

It’s unbelievably amazing how often I hear people talk about how this “actively participating father” is something that really has only turned up over the last few decades while I see very little in the way of proof supporting such an assertion.  It probably comes as no surprise that this mindset is often rooted among female-dominated discussion forums.

In any event, this article is worth a read and the series worthy of more exploration.  There are a lot of falsehoods about fathers and fatherhood that are so firmly entrenched in our society I often wonder how hard the work will be to keep the bullshit-machines from operating so effectively.  Most interesting from the above linked article are the studies dating back 100-years which turn on its head the notion that today’s fathers “…are finally more involved in childcare and child rearing.” They always have been (and we know that not every parent was a good, involved, etc. parent - and it goes with both mothers and fathers alike).

No greater joy have I experienced in life than all of those things I had the good fortune of doing with my children from the moment they were born, including:

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Today’s article is born of a thread started on one of our psycho ex-wife PEW forums.  Our situation is not the only one out there which exists within the framework of having an extremely difficult post-divorce relationship alongside one that is exceedingly amicable.  PEW and I - not so much good.  POE and DW - I literally can’t think of a single thing negative.  Much of what I’ll present from my own perspective as a step-father will touch on the positive experiences that have been a part of my life as a step-father.  DW’s experiences, on the other hand, would be the polar opposite, at least in so far as there are no dealings with PEW.  DW learned early on that any interaction with PEW would result in failure, so it’s just avoided and she serves in the capacity of step-mother without much interaction nor interference from PEW.  That’s the case simply because she just doesn’t allow it given the history.

I’ve spoken before about how the parenting styles of me and DW are almost perfectly in-tune with one another.  This really encompasses every parenting category, interactions with the children on any level, discipline, fun, education, reading - literally every single topic that, as parents, as step-mother, as step-father - you can expect to experience.

Given that the parenting styles of both POE and DW are pretty well in line with one another, it should come as no surprise that POE is extremely supportive of my role in the step-children’s lives.  Contrary to the opinion of some - I am a good parent, I love children, and relish my role as a teacher and guide and all that which is part of that process.  I’ve been supported by POE in the extremely rare case where the children have complained about something that we’ll say… “didn’t go their way.”  The support was without hesitation and decisive.  It sent a strong message to the kids.  To best of my knowledge, I’ve never done anything to draw POE’s ire, well, with the exception of giving the children a ride on the motorcycle with the permission of DW.  POE was less than thrilled with that and imposed a motorcycle ban which has since been 100% honored, over the objections and begging of the kids.

As a step-father, I’m extremely lucky to have a partner like DW and the strength of relationship we enjoy together.  I’m extremely lucky that the step-children have a biological father who is not threatened by my mere existence in their children’s lives.  I know my role.  He knows I know my role.  I will always defer to him and DW when it comes to matters regarding the step-kids.

Bottom line is that for me, my experience as a step-father has proven to be little different than that of a father.  All four kids are great.  The only differences in approach with any of the kids, specifically the step-kids, are matters that are beyond the day-to-day living.  Those are the higher level matters that biological parents discuss and settle.  Even there my input is often requested and considered if appropriate. It’s quite the blessing.

For how it is both like and unlike parenting from DW’s perspective, visit the article: I’m Just a Step-Mother

I know the obvious - that it’s not true of every arrangement and it’s quite likely that every single parenting and step-parenting arrangement has it’s own unique idiosyncrasies.  Some comments on this topic from the forums:

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It begins with what I suspected from the moment I saw the preview on the topic.  The lead-in features two horrendous situations.  Any guesses as to the feature stories?

Here is the April 14th, 2010 show summary from the Dr. Phil Show website:

No one wants to wind up in family court, but with over 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce, it’s a familiar place for thousands of parents. Dr. Phil shines a light on the American family court system and how often it fails its citizens.

Story 1: Horrible dad who harasses and threatens mom and child, ultimately killing himself and their 9-month old child during his visitation with the child.

Story 2: The perspective of a 17-year old girl who allegedly grew up with an abusive father who sexually molested her and who worries now about the fate of her little sister.

Now, let’s be real, I’m far from a huge fan of Dr. Phil and my presumption was that this episode would be exactly what I suspected - a sensational show, highlighting horrifying tales of death and familial destruction, and the ultimate culprit would be a biological father.

As is usually the case, Dr. Phil failed to impress me with his coverage of what is a national (and worldwide crisis).  However, rather than dig deep and really look into the greatest problem in family court today, which is not biological fathers killing children or ex-spouses, but custodial interference and the gross imbalance of custodial arrangements - Dr. Phil went sensational, worst-case, rare-case scenario.  Worse than that, he can’t even balance his sensational effort with a similar story involving custodial interference, kidnapping, and murder of children by their biological mothers.

What a gross abuse of the power he has inside the media.  Here’s an opportunity for him to use his reach to really broadcast the real horrors of the family court cartels, and he goes least common denominator.

That’s not to say that the stories he chose to feature on this program aren’t serious and very compelling.  However, he grossly misrepresents what his show was purported to be about - the crisis in our family court system.  In fact, this effort couldn’t be further from doing that.  It was a show about two isolated cases with terrifying, tragic consequences and I truly feel very sorry for those involved.  Nothing more, nothing less.

The true crisis in our family court system is as follows:

• Mothers still obtain custody of children in over 80% of all cases.
• Biological mothers still kill, neglect, malnourish children (alone or in tandem with a new love interest) at a much higher rate than do biological fathers.
• Custodial interference is not taken seriously by the courts and is primarily committed by biological mothers.
• Enforcement of child support is funded into the billions of dollars by government agencies.  Enforcement of custodial interference is non-existent.
• Restraining order abuse is rampant and is often used to separate fathers from their children and household on a mere accusation and without proof of any abuse being evident.
• There are few, if any, services for men who are abused by women, while services and aid for women who are abused by men is funded into the billions of dollars.  There is literally no governmental funding for male victims of abuse.
• Family court is loaded with high-conflict personalities who are encouraged to battle it out in court due to the adversarial set up.  Once the family finances have been drained, they’re cast aside when they’ve been shaken-down completely so that they can move on to the next victim-family.

Now, the cases highlighted on this show are absolutely grotesque breakdown in specific family courts with horrifying outcomes.  In each case, something should have and could have been done before the tragedies took place.  Make no mistake about this, these horrible stories are the exception and not the rule.

The audience is loaded with angry women who may have personal grudges against awful fathers or ex-husbands.  The guests disavow the reality of PAS, are foot soldiers for the domestic violence industry, believe that mere accusations without proof should be enough.  They also parroted the same unsupportable contention that abusive “fathers” are being awarded custody in the majority of contested cases.  The bottom line was that this show was little more than a vilifying of all ready, willing, loving and perfectly capable fathers on the foundation of awful, highly sensational isolated incidents.

If you watched this show, you would believe that women don’t kill, abuse, and neglect their children.  They don’t file false allegations of abuse.  They don’t abuse children or husbands/partners.  They don’t regularly interfere with custody, including kidnapping children and whisking them away to foreign countries.  They don’t put infants up for adoption without ever notifying the biological father of the child’s existence, resulting in him never having any parental rights except in the rarest of cases.  They don’t commit paternity fraud which ultimately leaves fathers financially supporting children that aren’t theirs, in too many cases… while the mother has moved on with the child to be with the actual biological parent!

Dr. Phil - you didn’t get a sniff of what issues are the greatest in terms of covering the true crisis that is our family court system.  Worse, it really was little more than a man-bashing, father-hating event.  Truly a shame for excellent parents of both genders everywhere.  Way to do a huge disservice to the entire country.

Maybe the next episode where he is trying to push his agenda of addressing various “silent epidemics” he can arrange and audience full of angry men who have been abused by the family court system.  Maybe he can feature stories of grieving fathers whose ex-partners murdered their children.

Or maybe, he can address any number of the items I listed above that actually are the true crisis in family courts today and address them without making it appear like he is a tool of the Domestic Violence (Against Women Only) Industry, too.