The Psycho Ex Wife

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Strap on your helmets and buckle-up! It’s gonna be a rough ride!

Pay particular attention, as if you needed such direction after reading all the other stuff, how this starts out as another ludicrous argument about the sale of the home, then onto who does what around the house, and progresses to insulting me and my family before finishing up with a resounding explanation of who she should have married instead of me. Lucky me.

Anyway, our house isn’t on the market a month yet. We are in no rush to move as we have a baby due in May. We went into this with the intent to not be in a hurry, the school year ends in early June and most people are looking to move shortly thereafter. No rush. Nevermind that she started arguing inside of a week after listing. Now, we’re on the market less than 30-days and she wants to drop the price because of our impatient realtor.

—————–
PEW: did you see that new listing
LM: Yes. I think it is a “message” listing. How about you?
PEW: message?
LM: Same square footage. Similar amenities. $169K It’s in our neighborhood. The “message” is “lower your price”
PEW: most definately
LM: He’s annoying me. Send me a fucking listing I want to go see. Please. I don’t want to move into my own frigging neighborhood.
PEW: well I think we can forget selling our house while that one is listed
LM: Well… when people find out it backs up to the park… which is used many nights in the Summer and Fall with the BIG LIGHTS BLARING INTO THEIR BEDROOMS…
PEW: why would someone buy our house when they can buy something similar for 15k less
LM: …and the guys from the apartment complex playing soccer and drinking in there… perhaps not. Right behind the “loitering” 7-11.
PEW: the distance is negligable
LM: Actually… when they installed the lights at the park… the homeowners went berzerk.
PEW: and….most people moving to this neighborhood dont know about the apartments.
LM: Most homeowners will look. When they see the apartment complex across from their yard… they’ll find out by asking or driving by.
PEW: that still doesn’t make up for a 15k disparity in the price
LM: i know. Rancher? lol
PEW: well i’d like to either lower the price at the end of the week or take it off the market
LM: Okay. Whatever you want.
PEW: no the ball is in your court…what do you want?
LM: I want to let it ride a little longer.
PEW: you are unreasonable as usuall
LM: But, I don’t want you to be upset… so, you can take over. Funny… “whatever you want” is unreasonable… lol
—————

Insanity. Pure, unbridled insanity. I go straight into avoidance mode - giving her full decision-making power. She flips it back on me and I give her a straight-up answer. She responds that I’m being unreasonable.

To this day, I still don’t have a clue how I didn’t snap. I really don’t. I believe I have my children to thank for that. So does she.

—————
PEW: we had a flako come in here and tell us that she’d list the house for 195k…..then Realtor comes in and tells us $179k because the neighborhood has not seen over 180k…… frankly I think considering that you paid 120k……if you got 170k you should be happy because you haven’t put 50k into it…so i’m not sure where you are coming from
LM: Well… if we were in a crushing rush to get the hell out… I’d be inclined to lower it… as it stands… we aren’t in a crushing rush, and the Springtime lookers are just beginning to come out… but then, I never seem to know what the hell I’m talking about in your eyes… so I reiterate… Whatever you want.
PEW: i’m baffled
LM: Well… it depends on what you want to get.
PEW: you aren’t in a rush because you don’t have to do the cleaing
LM: Welcome to the world of preparing to move, PEW. Nobody said it was going to be either fun or easy. But hey… if lopping 15G is the answer to the cleaning woes… well then so be it.
PEW: i’ll tell you what I want…..I want to move out of this house…..it needs 15k in repairs that we don’t have….if I have to move to a smaller house tjat
—————-

A couple of interesting facts. First, I think that “the neighborhood hasn’t seen $180K” is a ludicrous argument. We ended up getting $175,000 for the home. A few months later, my neighbor put his house up for sale, about 2/3s the size of our home. It sold for $185K. Our home didn’t need $50K in repairs. It didn’t need $15K in repairs. What it “needed” was for her to spend that much to have ridiculous amenties that weren’t needed nor wanted. At settlement, it needed less than $1,000 worth of “L&I” attention and that was it.

—————-
LM: Well… I don’t make life-affecting decisions with such knee-jerk reactions. So, if you think that I’ll do it for your knee-jerk reaction, you are mistaken, I assure you.
PEW: knee jerk reaction?
LM: Yes… knee-jerk. “Too much cleaning.” “Too many things to fix” As if moving will somehow mean we won’t have things to fix.
PEW: i’m talking about cutting the price 5k, not 15k
LM: Then, you fail to consider that jackass hasn’t even brought us a low-ball, let alone something that gives us a sniff of asking price. Sorry - you threw out a figure of $170.
PEW: i knew that this wasn’t going to be fun but I was willing to bite the bullet so I could get out of this house that I hate
LM: Yes… and in less that 30 days… you are tearing me a new asshole and breaking my balls.
PEW: well maybe you should do a little more cleaning
—————-

THERE IT IS!!! Gear-shift #1. Now it’s no longer about selling the house, it’s about working around the house. Of course, back then, embroiled in it, I never saw it. I had the hook buried in my cheek, she set it, and I was already flopping around the poop-deck.

—————-
LM: I’ve been trying to chip-in more. Tell me what you need done… I’ll do it.
PEW: no you look at what needs to be done from now on and do it. i’m not your mommy
LM: When I look around, I don’t see a whole lot of cleaning… so if you’re going to bitch… you better be specific, otherwise, don’t bitch. (to be done)
PEW: well for one thing you never put the recyclables where they belong…. you think the fairy comes and takes trash away for you
LM: No. Sorry. Do you think that the energy fairy comes and turns out lights for you?
PEW: and i made half the bed this morning hoping that you would make the other half since you were standing right there…but you didn’t
LM: Geeze, and I left the furniture out the other night hoping that you would touch-up the interior corners, but you didn’t.
PEW: what lights?
LM: What recyclables?
—————

*shaking head*

—————
PEW: i had other shit to do. i’m hardly ever kicking back like you
LM: Me, too.
PEW: not just recyclables…trash. when you eat or drink the last of something you never throw the trash away
LM: I’ve been taking the trash out.
ng>PEW: i’ve been having problems with AT&T
LM: oh
—————

Huh? Totally off the wall, but there it is - gear shift #2! Now it’s about counseling and the physical abuse allegations again.

—————
PEW: anyway, if you haven’t done so yet, don’t cancel our appt for Friday. or thursday? what day was it
LM: Friday. I’m looking forward to another LM-bashing with a new counselor. Very excited.
PEW: i didn’t bash you? what are you talking about. be specific please
LM: I think next week, I’ll clarify all of the “physical abuse” I’ve perpetrated on you.
PEW: yes please do
LM: Like you kicking me in the chest first during that argument way back when.
PEW: clarify it for me too
LM: Then, the one where you had a bruised arm… that resulted when you fell, in a complete, drunken stupor, in the kitchen (when I broke the bottle of Vodka), and I was trying to get you up out of the glass.
PEW: yes you’ve always had justification
LM: And of course, the last one… where you did manage to describe it relatively accurately.
PEW: i had a broken finger and I didn’t even include that arguement in our discussion. you are sick
—————-

Yeah, a broken finger. Ask her if she saw a doctor. (She didn’t.) Ask her if she had an x-ray. (She didn’t.) Ask her if she had a broken finger and she’ll tell you yes, because that’s the delusion she creates in order to avoid accepting the reality that was her condition and her behavior that night. It’s been rearranged to be about fictional spousal abuse and not about her disgusting treatment of our house guests.

—————-
LM: The finger thing happened when I snatched the bottle of Vodka, which you happened to be CHUGGING at the time, out of your hands.
PEW: yeah and you were sober, right?
LM: This, after completely and totally embarrassing me in front of a good friend whom I hadn’t seen in several years. Yes, I was.
PEW: the friend that totally had the hots for you and still does, but i’m over it…..i wish i had let her have you at the time. i would have saved myself a shitload of heartache
LM: A figment of your imagination.
PEW: not my imagination…intuition
LM: Imagination.
PEW: intuition
LM: Your “intuition” is hardly justification for your actions that night. But I digress….
PEW: i had plenty of justification for that whole incident
LM: No… you didn’t.
PEW: yes…to an incident that i’m not aloud to talk about but you can right
LM: And I have to laugh at you claiming I ‘justify’ anything… when that’s all you ever do. You were justified in “mule-kicking” me in the chest.
PEW: and you’ve always been justified in putting your hands on me….. all 4 times yes i was…..
LM: You were justified in making a drunking scene in front of guests… then chugging vodka… Oh, now it’s FOUR times. lol
PEW: i was defending myself when you came at me screaming in my face
LM: Wrong.
PEW: yeah..the incident the night LD was here wasn’t included
LM: I was standing at the foot of the couch, screaming at you.
PEW: but if you want to include it…I will. bullshit
LM: You wouldn’t have been able to kick me in the pectoral muscle from a prone position if I was “in your face.”
PEW: there was the time we were arguing over keeping YOUR house….
LM: Save your histrionics for counseling. Your bantering has become tiresome.
PEW: and you were in the midst of browbeating me….
LM: Same old story, different rant, for no frigging reason. lol “browbeating.” lol
PEW: your justifying hitting me is going to backfire. fuck you
LM: Nope. I don’t justify any hitting.
PEW: right
LM: What I don’t like is your “innocent” spin. Like you do nothing.
PEW: hardly
LM: I just hit you. You kicked me, and I struck back.
PEW: I told [the counselor] that I kicked you
LM: The finger thing was an accident, trying to prevent you from drinking yourself into a coma. The bruise on your arm came when you rushed into the kitchen, and slipped on the wet, glass-laden floor.
PEW: oh yes…you’ve been such a wonderful, supportive mate
LM: I am.
PEW: you punched me in the arm the night we argued about this house
LM: You’re just going into “Dr. Jeckyll” mode right now, and I’m tired of doing this with you. What in the hell are you talking about?
PEW: please…you are the Dr. Jeckyll
LM: Now I punched you in the arm?
LM: Enlighten me.
PEW: you got a frigging screw loose
LM: When did this magically happen? Oh yeah… I have the screw loose. lol
PEW: yes when it was over I went behind the pool out back and I was hystE.l and you came out and begged my forgiveness. and said you’d never do it again. blah blah fucking blah
LM: Okay… that is a complete fabrication.
PEW: BULLSHIT
LM: When did this allegedly happen, now that you are magically increasing the number.
PEW: I SWEAR IT ON MY GRANDFATHER’S GRAVE
—————

Her poor grandfather. Ironically enough - dear old granddad was a serial abuser, too - that’s where her daddy learned it.

—————
LM: I’m sure by Friday… the beatings will have been monthly. Sure you do. Help me understand when?
PEW: yeah right
LM: I’d like to remember it.
PEW: we were arguing about keeping the house
LM: WHEN! WHEN when when when when.
PEW: it was 2 days b4 the settlement… and I said I wasn’t doing it…. you were freaking out……screamed in my face…..I kicked you and you punched me…..
LM: Sorry… I don’t remember that.
PEW: I ran out back…hystE.l and I was behind the pool and then you came out and said you’d never do it again
LM: Interesting, though… that you type that you kicked me, again, first.
PEW: you cried…..because you’re a good actor
LM: lol
PEW: yeah that’s real funny
LM: It is.
PEW: I kicked you because you were screaming in my face
LM: It’s funny that you would say such mean things.
PEW: and I”ll kick you again if you ever scream in my face
LM: Oh… so you’re “justifying” physical assault again, is that it?
PEW: what mean things?
LM: Interesting.
PEW: self defense
LM: Defense against yelling? You yell, it’s okay. When I yell back, it’s not okay. I get it.
PEW: you can’t come up in someone’s face and yell…especially with your history of family violence and expect that they won’t defend themselves
LM: So, o
ut of allegedly 4 times things got physical… you initiated the physical violence on two occasions…
PEW: no you did by screaming in my face….spitting i might add
LM: …one was an accident when I grabbed a bottle of vodka that you were chugging… and one I supposedly initiated first. Gee, I see a pattern here.
PEW: I told you I don’t count that one because we were both pretty drunk
LM: No… we absolutely were not drunk. YOU were wrecked. I absolutely was not drunk.
PEW: I WILL FUCKING DIVORCE YOU SO FAST YOUR HEAD WILL SPIN if you are trying to say that I deserved to be punched or choked by you EVER
—————–

No one deserves to be punched, choked, or otherwise physically assaulted, except when you are defending yourself against an attack. I’m sorry that what little happened between us happened (those that are rooted in reality), even if her recollection is a bit convenient for her victim status, except where she inexplicably types out the truth - she initiated physical assaults.

—————–
LM: But I know that you aren’t beyond making stuff up to convince yourself that you do no wrong, so I’m not surprised at this fabrication, either. Nope. But funny how you would justify physically attacking me while forbidding it in your mate.
PEW: you are such a impotent asshole. you probably are gay
LM: Good… this is nice… this will just be added to the pile of evidence of your meanness.
PEW: that’s probably why your such an angry man
LM: I’m not angry.
PEW: please
LM: I’m worried.
PEW: i’ve been very kind about that. you should be you should be
LM: I’m worried how about how long we can go on with your miserable mood swings. Your ultimatums. Your threats. Your name-calling.
PEW: we can’t go on
LM: Your physical violence. Your mental abuse.
PEW: my physical violence?
LM: Yep.
PEW: you’re the abusive one
LM: You did type that you assaulted me on at least two occasions, right? And admitted doing so first.
PEW: no…you assaulted me. and I defended myself
LM: You initiated physical contact on at least two occasions.
PEW: no…oh i see…is this one of those things you’re going to save
LM: Yes. Actually, I save them all. Every one of them. I’ve told you that before.
—————

Now she’s pissed because she “OOOOPS” remembers that I save them and realizes she’s just said stuff she probably didn’t want to say. Gear shift #3 - she’s leaving… again.

—————
PEW: i’m going to my mothers. and I’m taking S1. i’m not putting up with your fucking bullshit
LM: SO when people wonder how I can “be so mean” to dear, sweet, PEW - I can show them the “other side” of your personna. Don’t worry… we can go over it all with the counselor.
PEW: i am sweet and dear
LM: I know… when you’re not mean, spiteful, and vindictive.
PEW: people love me, which is more than you can say
LM: Like you coming on here just to start a fight again.
PEW: most people can’t stand you…you only have like one friend
LM: Like clockwork you are. Yes, and my evidence is you saying so, right?
PEW: no….i came on and saw the new listing
LM: Don’t you get tired of that?
PEW: i know what kind of bullshit i’m in for. you don’t work anyway
LM: Yes, I know… I’ve been doing so well and getting raises and bonuses because I don’t work. Right.
PEW: like DR knows?
LM: The only time I don’t work is when you come on to verbally berate me again.
PEW: you slide by doing the absolute minimum….just like you do at home
LM: Oh, yeah.
PEW: yeah…when do you do your stock portfolio at Yahoo when do you chat with Cam….your dad, etc…
LM: Funny, coming from you. who complains about having to actually keep the house clean. lol Cam doesn’t come on that often. My father doesn’t like to chat.
PEW: funny coming from you that’s not an insult considering the swill you lived in b4 you met me
LM: It isn’t about swill. It’s about you daring to allege that I do “the bare minimum” all the while complaining about having to keep the house neat.
PEW: when we sell this house…….i’m taking my half and getting the F— away from you you do have a screw loose
LM: I know… this isn’t the first time you’ve threatened that.
PEW: i always knew that. i don’t think it’s safe for S1 to be around you either
LM: Yeah, yeah.
PEW: you’re too unpredictable
LM: Oh, I sure am… lol… like coming on here out of the blue to start fights.
PEW: it’s not out of the blue
LM: Or telling me one day how much you love me, and then telling me how evil I am 24 hours later. That’s normal. Right?
PEW: i do love you….but you’re not normal…this is not normal
LM: How we can lay in bed and talk about such nice loving things last night… and then you are a completely different person today, right? That’s ME being “unpredictable.”
PEW: no…you embarrassed me in front of E….. then I want to lower the price on the house and you say, we’re leaving it…..then I say…I don’t want to move so far away from my family….. and you don’t care. you just keep pushing and pushing I don’t care if we love each other….we are never going to make it. never
LM: Yes… I embarrassed you by what??? sitting there, while you told an embarrassing story about my childhood, laughing at me hysterically… then… not stopping there, but reiterating more than once, “I CAN UNDERSTAND IF…!!!!’ and continuing laughing. I embarrassed you?!?! And you dare call ME “unpredictable.” I didn’t say “we were leaving” the price where it was.
—————–

Another example of her inability to keep her stories straight even within the same conversation. No recollection of my saying “whatever you want to do” in relation to the price of the house and a twisted recollection of my saying that it would be my preference to let the price ride a little longer.

—————–
PEW: I asked E. what she thought about the story…was I being mean…and she said no way.
she thought it was cute
LM: I said, “Do whatever you want.”
PEW: how come so many people who i’ve told the story to, think it’s cute and you can be angry about it
LM: The story wasn’t about E…. it was about ME. What E. thinks doesn’t matter. Two people aren’t sitting there laughing their frigging asses off at YOU, about something that you don’t even know if it’s true… and is greatly embarrassing.
—————

Aren’t these examples of her being “socially backwards” and embarrassing socially amongst friends? Watch the projection continue below.

—————
PEW: i’ll tell you why…….because you are impossible
LM: How come you think it is frigging funny to tell that story about me to people? How come you, who dare forbid me “not to tell you what you should feel” - tell me that I am wro
ng to feel greatly embarrassed — Not only by the story itself…
PEW: it’s not because it’s about you…it’s because it is about any little boy looking for something silky to rub
LM: …but the WAY you tell the story. And keep needling and needling and needling. Yeah… that’s so “cute” to YOU.
PEW: and finding his mom’s underwear and unknowingly taking them outside
LM: It isn’t about you.
PEW: well listen, next time your mother tells me a story i’ll tell her not to waste her breath
LM: But then the emphasis and repeating it several times… all the while laughing harder. Yeah. You are my wife. E. is a mere acquaintance.
PEW: which…if you and I divorce…don’t worry I won’t talk to anyone in your family…ever again
LM: Not that I like my mother sharing the stories with you…
PEW: E. is a friend of mine
LM: …but there is a HUGE frigging difference.
PEW: well, I don’t even want to hear your mother talk…ever
—————

Another shift and I, mindlessly, go right along with it. Now she’ll re-up the insulting of my family and I’ll go getting all defensive again.

—————
LM: Interesting to see you continuing to deteriorate the conversation. Now, you’ll be mean about my mother…typical of these discussions.
PEW: and I can remedy the situation by just telling her if she wants to tell her stupid, untrue stories…tell you first and you can tell me the ones that you think are true
LM: Then, you’ll vilify my dad, like you usually do. Then, if you are really in a mood… include my horrible brothers. I’ll wait.
PEW: well your parents have made it quite easy for me
LM: Here she goes…
PEW: i like your brothers. they are victims too. i never say anything mean about them despite what you’ve made up. they can’t stand you either which only verifies for me your absolute annoyingness
LM: See… you’re so predictable.
PEW: how so?
LM: Same story… different day.
PEW: it’s true. they say the same shit that annoys me about you…annoys them. so it must be true
LM: Yeah… right… and they share this with you, right? Yeah… sure.
PEW: yeah sometimes right in front of you
LM: Yeah… okay. More of your unjustified criticisms… all that which you accuse me of doing… are perfect descriptions of how you conduct yourself. You belittle… you criticize, you attack whenever you feel like… you complain, you’re unhappy, you’re angry. It’s downright scary. Then some other days… you’re as bright as the sunshine… beautiful, loving, wonderful… and then right back to the other… an ever-swinging pendulum of unpredictability.
PEW: well I don’t think it’s so scary that I ask you why you took exception to the story….. and I don’t think it is scary that I ask you to lower the price on the house
LM: What part of “I don’t like it because it is embarrassing, and I am not appreciative of the tone that you tell it with.” don’t you understand? What part of “Do whatever you want” on the house pricing, do you not understand
PEW: well here’s where I cease to be your suzy sunshine…… I am so tired of trying to socialize with you and feeling like I have to be someone other than myself, which is what you say I do to you. I think the problem is you don’t know how to act in social situations….that’s why you don’t have any friends
—————

Her last reply has nothing to do with the questions asked before it.

—————
LM: What in God’s name do you mean?
PEW: other than your hockey buddues
LM: I have plenty of friends.
PEW: you always have a problem with something I do when we are with friends or family, who are your friends
LM: I most certainly do not.
PEW: yes you do
LM: The only thing I take exception to is you telling stories about me and making fun of me.
PEW: your always annoyed with something I say
LM: That happened today. And it happened one other time at JD’s house.
PEW: no not one other time
LM: Now, it matters not to you that I don’t like it when you do these things. You make it out to me being a “sociopath” and other fancy terms you like to throw around without regard to their actual meaning. I’ve been out at many, many, many social events without problems… other than a few instances where you were watching over me like mother-hen, and took exception to some things that I have said. Fortunately, not about you. But I ask you to imagine… how would you feel if I decided to show you how I feel when you say some of the things you do about me… by doing same to you?
PEW: trust me…if today’s story was about me i’dv laughed
LM: Wrong.
PEW: i have a better sense of humor than you. i can laugh at myself
LM: Say I decided something you didn’t find funny… was funny to me?
PEW: yes…i can
LM: Say, in front of MY friends… I decided to make fun of your weight? Would you take exception to that?
PEW: i’d make fun of your weight back
LM: You know what? You are so full of shit it isn’t even funny.
PEW: no i’d be upset
LM: So then, when I express disappointment at some story you’ve told about me, do you find it so unbelieveable? To the point of permitting yourself to be angry at me for taking exception to that which you thought was just so hysterically funny about me?
PEW: I told a story about something you did when you were 2. get a grip
LM: I DON’T CARE! You just don’t get it.
PEW: I DON’T CARE EITHER
LM: I don’t like it. You owe me that respect.
PEW: LM….I won’t tell your mother’s stupid story anymore. because you’re a fucking freak
LM: Just like when I tell you 50,000 times not to discuss/make fun of my family…
PEW: i don’t owe you jack shit
LM: …yet you still can’t help yourself.
PEW: you owe me. I have put up with more shit from you than any woman ever would
—————

That’s right, LM! Most women don’t want a husband who doesn’t abuse drugs or alcohol, loves his children, is a homebody who doesn’t stray and is faithful, a nice big home, a new car every 3-years… and the list goes on! The horrible, horrible life I have managed to provide for our family! What a cad! What ever was I thinking? (Don’t answer that!)

—————
LM: Yes you do. When I tell you that I don’t appreciate that story being told outside of certain circles, if at all, you owe me that respect. Just as I would owe you the same about similar.
PEW: well I’ll continue to do what i’ve done for the past 6 years….I won’t socialize with you in the company of others unless it is absolutely necessary…. we never have people over….. we never have dinner out with friends…. I hardly ever want to take you to my parents…. and I rarely want to be with you in a social situation…. Gee…I wonder why that is….
LM: I ask people to come over often… but they are typically busy or change plans… be it Marc or my brothers. I’ve never stopped you fro
m inviting anyone over.
PEW: I know…I don’t want to invite people over. I hate socializing with you. I hate it
LM: It certainly isn’t because of anything I’ve done… that is just something else you fabricate when you get a weed up your ass.
PEW: you embarrass me
LM: I embarrass you how?
PEW: no it is because you are embarassing
LM: How? How have I embarrassed you in front of others?
PEW: well let’s see…there is the time we went on the cruise and you make the blow job jesture in front of 6 other people. that was classy
LM: I apologized to you about that.
PEW: I don’t care
LM: Additionally, because you “demanded” i apologize to others, I did. You were the only one offended, and people made fun of me for apologizing. I regretted offending you. So, tell me all of the other times?
—————

As with anything on this blog, you only have my say-so, but I ask that you please trust me when I say that I knew my audience, I made that gesture as a small close group of us were discussing something that happened at a show, and everyone, including PEW, laughed their asses off. It wasn’t until “the mood” came over her on the ride home that I even discovered that she was (allegedly) “offended.” Shame on me for apologizing to the others in the group - it was funny, they knew it, and they reacted in a way that indicated so. Further, they reiterated how funny it was when discussed later.

—————

PEW: then there was the time we were at the wedding for your cousin and I didn’t know anyone and you were watching the hockey game…and when I politely asked you to stop….you made a scene. and I wound up leaving out of embarrassment
LM: That was 6 years ago… and you made the scene first, at the dinner table.
PEW: I shouldve known then
LM: lol What a joke.
PEW: no…you rose your voice to me in front of a bunch of people I didn’t even know. so I left
LM: Wrong.
PEW: raised. right
LM: But I should’ve known that. Another complete fabrication. You went ballistic after I asked about a game, on a TV, which wasn’t even in my possession.
PEW: Then there was the time at L&J’s house when I was making jokes about your family and you embarrassed me then. GOD forbid
LM: And walked out, taking the car, and forcing me to walk home.
PEW: please!?!?!?!? you had 3 brothers there and your father. you couldn’t get a ride??? That speaks volumes
LM: It speaks volumes that my apologies for the “egregious” violation for asking about the hockey game, (which, ironically enough - THE FRIGGING PRIEST - was keeping people appraised of the score that night) weren’t enough to keep you from walking out on me… and I was too embarrassed to go back into a formal occasion and have to explain to people, including the bride and groom…
PEW: you were watching it play by play you liar. liar liar liar… please. spare me. you were wrong
LM: …that my date walked out on the festivities because a TV was getting passed around a table and I looked at it and I needed a ride home. Funny… I’ll bet if I showed the story to 100 people, 99 or more of them would say that you were the anti-social one, by handling it as poorly as you did. When the TV was handed back to JS… you couldn’t let it go. Just kept going on and on and on. And my apologies in the lobby and begging you to please not leave didn’t stop you from abandoning me there.
—————-

Another early red flag I ignored. At a relative’s wedding a number of years earlier, “the mood” struck and apparently my interest in a hockey playoff game during the reception led to her driving off and leaving me behind to beg for a ride home. I didn’t. I quietly left after a short while and, in my best wedding attire, hitch-hiked a ride home from the reception after walking quite a ways in the cold. It was actually kind of funny, the guy who picked me up told me that he figured he had nothing to fear from a hitchhiker dressed as well as I was at that time of night. Yeah, I know, the story is pathetic, but you have to admit - that part is funny.

—————-
PEW: well, the fact of the matter is….we don’t get together with friends because you are socially backwards….and by friends I mean my friends, M&J, P&M, D&F, L&J. why….because I fear you embarrassing me
LM: I can’t speak for L, but J asks me pretty regularly to come up, have some beers, and play some pingpong… but I can’t, because My “wifey” won’t let me.
PEW: excuse me?? I would love to get rid of you
LM: I’ve never been anything but cordial and friendly to all of your friends.
PEW: go. You lie
LM: Yeah, sure.
PEW: don’t sit here and say you don’t go because of me. Liar. I would love you to have a normal friend
LM: PEW… I have to beg to go to auctions… imagine what I feel like when asked to go have some beers and play games? In one breath… you say I don’t do enough… I don’t help enough… I do the “bare minimum” to get by…
PEW: I would rather you went to play games and have beers
LM: …and now you are claiming that I have “carte blanche” to go have fun with friends. And you dare call me a liar!
PEW: I go out with friends
LM: My God, the evidence doesn’t get any more contradictory than with each topic we cover. Because I don’t mind. You do.
PEW: the problem I have with the auctions is that stuff is generally overpriced…and you spend alot of time. you are a retard
LM: No more time than going out for beers and playing pingpong.
PEW: retard
—————

Retard? Really? My God what have I gotten myself into.

—————
LM: Ahhhh… here we go… when faced with the truth… resort to namecalling! Predictable… again.
PEW: so at least it’s contructive time if you spend time with a friend
LM: Justification and backpedaling.
PEW: yeah and if you were here you’d choke me and scream in my face
LM: Keep trying to get out the hole now that you’ve dug yourself in deep. Nope. Not any more.
PEW: i’m not in a hole. why do we stay married
LM: You can’t control your mouth… but I am controlling mine now.
PEW: why. i’m so tired of this
LM: Because your “Dr. Jeckyll” will go away, as usual, and hopefully we can continue to work at it.
PEW: you are the Dr. Jeckyll
LM: Oh, yeah… sure I am. You change stories and tactics in the same conversation.
PEW: you incited me by saying when we go to counseling friday you are going to clarify….the physical abuse…as if you are justified talk about setting me off
LM: I don’t do anything… but I’m free to go out with friends whenever I want. Nope. Clarified doesn’t equal justified.
PEW: I’m the only pregnant woman in the world who can’t be moody
LM: No, I didn’t say that either.
PEW: i’m not allowed because my husbands ego can’t handle it. you don’t have to say it
LM: Wrong-o
PEW: right-o
LM: Clarification means that she will be clear that you
are prone to physical abuse. And typically, you initiate it.
PEW: even when you are totally getting on my last nerve …I remain polite. I am not. BULL SHIT
LM: I saved what you typed.
PEW: bring it
LM: In two of the alleged “four” cases, you said that you kicked me first for yelling at you.
PEW: she already said that screaming in my face is a form of abuse
LM: She already said that your name calling is, too.
PEW: my reaction was normal
LM: So was mine.
PEW: bullshit
—————

Here we go again: DID NOT!!! DID TOO! DID NOT!!! DID TOO! DID! DIDN’T! Ridiculous.

—————
LM: No more bullshit that your justification for physical violence.
PEW: my dad never hit my mother never never never
LM: My Dad never held a gun on my mother or children. He never said the horrifying things that you’ve told me your dad has said to you and yours. What a joke that you can’t even just come out and say, “Yes. My Dad is an alcoholic and he was a vicious verbal abuser.”
PEW: my father never brutalized us
LM: He brutalized you mentally.
PEW: i’d rather have what we had than what you had
LM: Perhaps.
PEW: you weren’t there
LM: I only know what you’ve told me, and I’m sure even that was the tip of the iceberg.
PEW: bull
LM: Sure. Don’t talk like your family doesn’t have their share of demons.
PEW: you wish you could make my dad out to be like your dad…but my dad has an alcohol problem…what is your dad’s excuse…. he’s just plain sick
LM: And don’t dare compare the level of “awfulness” to one another either.
PEW: oh but I can. when my dad is sober, he’s a relatively nice guy and he’s not capable of violence unless he’s drunk
—————

Pause and re-read that again. “oh but I can. when my dad is sober, he’s a relatively nice guy and he’s not capable of violence unless he’s drunk.” Why the hell am I arguing with this?

—————
LM: Well, I’d rather take a beating than have a piss-the-pants drunk father continue a pattern of years of mental anguish on his wife and kids… when he was even home. He continues… to this day… to belittle his children to no end.
PEW: i’m very proud of my father…..don’t you dare try to make him out to be a bad person
LM: He can’t help himself… it’s almost a compulsion.
PEW: my father has spent his life wisely
LM: As I am of mine… so keep your mouth shut if you don’t want to hear the same meanness back.
PEW: you started it
LM: Oh no I didn’t.
PEW: don’t talk about my father. you don’t know what you’re talking about. yes you did
LM: No I didn’t.
PEW: my dad has helped more people in his life than you and your whole ancestry. I said…my dad never hit my mother
LM: Sure he has.
PEW: and that’s when you started about he gun thing. no he hasn’t. no matter how bad things ever were
LM: “Your parents have made it very easy for me”
PEW: he pushed PP once
LM: In response to you making fun of my family. That’s physical violence. You said that way up this conversation.
PEW: yeah i know, but he was drunk…and she was a freaking fresh mouth
LM: Justification. That’s what that sounds like. “Gee, I was drunk, I didn’t know what I was doing.” Sure.
PEW: she was 16 and he was drunk and she was mouthing off
LM: I don’t much care, PEW. Just don’t profess that your father’s meanness had any more or less negative impact on you and yours than mine had on ours.
PEW: well it’s alot different from what you’ve done
LM: I’m sure if your Mom or PP karate kicked him during one of his drunken rages, he’d have responded too, but that’s only speculation. Perhaps he kept everyone too scared to lash out like you do.
PEW: well the last thing I need in my life is a husband that can’t understand that having someone scream in my face triggers a self defense mechanism….
LM: I treat you with respect and dignity almost every day. I regret that I have lost my temper in the face of your repeated verbal barrages on occasion.
LM: Well, I’m tired of your excuse making. Very tired.
PEW: I have had a rough life and it hasn’t gotten easier since I’ve been with you
LM: I have plenty of evidence to prove that your mouth has the same impact on me.
PEW: in fact….i’ve been more unhappy married to you than I have in my entire life. why continue it
LM: Since the “incident” earlier this year, we’ve had several disagreements where you’ve managed to hold your tongue.
PEW: i have a new baby on the way….I should start a new life for myself
LM: And I’ve never yelled “in your face.”
PEW: without you
LM: So you see… self control works on both counts. Stop talking like you’re the only one with a legitimate gripe here.
PEW: you are full of shit where the name calling thing is concerned
LM: We both contribute to each other’s failure mechanisms.
PEW: i am the only one with a legitimate gripe
LM: No I’m not.
PEW: yes..you are
LM: And until you realize that you are absolutely NOT the “only one” with a legitimate gripe… nothing will be solved.
PEW: it is an excuse that you allow yourself
LM: No it isn’t. It is no more an excuse than my disagreeing with you results in your mouth-from-hell. Our recent disagreements only further prove my prior claims.
PEW: well let me tell you something
LM: I’ve never yelled at you without your first assaulting me with curses, insults, and name-calls. On me… my family or anyone else. You haven’t done that since the last incident, and there has been no yelling.
PEW: i have called you a few names
LM: I continue to work on my self-control issues. That has helped.
PEW: i called you asshole in a recent argument. which…by the way…you are
LM: But you definitely having gone “over the top” during our face-to-face confrontations, and you only do so here, because you feel “safe” to unleash your verbal assault.
PEW: i will go to my grave…knowing that you are a complete…and utter….ASSHOLE
LM: Nice talk. And that is called-for why?
PEW: because….it is the truth
LM: Oh, okay. Are we done, yet? I’d like to come home.
PEW: please don’t …why don’t you go play ping pong
LM: I wasn’t invited.
PEW: well if I had my way…you wouldn’t come home….
LM: Boy, you just can’t turn it off, can you?
PEW: but since we still own this house together….do what you must.
well now i’m in detest mode
LM: Just gotta keep motoring on with your viciousness. Keep it up!
PEW: or what…you’ll choke me
LM: Boy, you sure know how to help an ailing marriage! Nice. “Choke.”
PEW: there is no help. none
LM: Laughable.
PEW: there isn’t a frigging counselor in all the land that could help us
LM: Real funny.
PEW: i’m not laughing
LM: Not if you are unwilling to accept help, which you appear not to be.
PEW: i’m sick of you
LM: Sure… you feel like you’re not getting your way.
LM: That is always what starts the ball a-rollin’
PEW: my next husband will…like sex….never scream in my face….
LM: I love sex.
PEW: take my wants and needs into consideration occassionally….
LM: I’ll bet he screams in your face when you unleash your garbage-mouth.
PEW: i don’t think so
LM: I’d lay money on it.
PEW: don’t
LM: Nobody should have to endure the verbal abuse you can unload on a loved-one.
PEW: i definately went backwards on the husband scale when I married you
LM: Nice talk. That’s nice.
PEW: i should have married D. he treated me really nice
LM: Sorry.
PEW: we never fought once you killed the chance for that ever happening though when you threatened him. what the hell was I thinking. you know….i just wanted someone who would love me and that I could have children with….D said he didn’t want anymore kids….so when I broke up with him he took it back…he said we could have as many kids as I wanted……I should have ran back. everything else was great.
—————

Yeah? Well why the hell didn’t you?

Despite all that has happened to this point and which will continue to happen, “we” decided it might be a good time to move. She was pregnant with S2 and I suppose the combination of the real estate market being in a good spot for both buying and selling and 5-years of incessant whining about how this wasn’t “her” house, I gave it consideration and we moved ahead.

Still, I am a moron. Nothing has really changed. I never really believed the oft-used manipulation, I promise you, if we move, things will be so much better. I just don’t feel like this is my house. There are too many ghosts here. We didn’t need to move. The house I had owned prior to our relationship starting was plenty big to accommodate all of us. However, I had been in it for 10-years myself and the market was good for a move. The relationship, however, wasn’t. I guess it never was.

I dug deep into the Hell Catalog (pictured in the story linked) to review my notes on the following series of IMversations. They read:

On the 3/15 IM: The first of several times where she harasses me about hour house-hunting situation. Anytime I look at a home outside of her “comfort zone” she freaks out on me. However, she expects me to look at areas outside of my comfort zone, which I do without argument. Of course, she threatens our marriage yet again.

On the 3/23 IM: More house harassment. She accuses me of browbeating her while she is browbeating me, again, about potential moving locations. The fact was that she wanted to move closer to her parents. I did not. I wanted to move someplace with great schools and had great value. All she was concerned with was having a babysitter closer to her. The furthest I had looked at that point was 12-miles away. The situation culminated in “move to where she wanted or she was getting a divorce.”

On the 3/28 IM: More house harassment.

—————

3/15/2001

PEW:: i will look at listings from those areas but I can tell you that I would not like living so far away from everything. i’ve already done it and I don’t like it
LM:: Okay.
PEW:: and i’d like it even less with 2 little kids
LM:: Can I just look at houses from other areas? To compare houses? You’ve made your point clear… I would like to see what is out there for the sake of comparison.
PEW:: yeah…i included them
LM:: Thanks.
PEW:: fine
LM:: I’m not really fond of the Fville area, but I haven’t ruled it out.
PEW:: well let me ask you this….why are you not fond of that area. you’ve been living in Currenttown for 15 years and it’s alot nicer than Currenttown
LM:: Because it is moving in the direction of the City, and I am not fond of moving in that general direction.
PEW:: i figured this would happen
LM:: What part of “I haven’t ruled it out” didn’t you understand? Are you fishing for an argument or can we look, find out what we like or don’t like, and move on from there?
PEW:: well I apologize if my ruling out those areas completely offends you, but I don’t want to waste valuable time looking at houses that I know I won’t move to….you keep joking about Homestead and you even went so far as to tell V that I wanted to know if we could sublet from him…..YOU are the one that isn’t understanding
LM:: It doesn’t completely offend me. And if you can’t understand that I was making a joke with V about subletting… which he can’t do… well, I can’t help you. But I won’t sit here and debate with you about that. If you want to make an issue out of a comment I made to V which has nothing to do with anything… you’ll be arguing with yourself. Also, don’t sit there and tell me what you “won’t do” and then get pissed when I tell you about the areas that I am “less than fond of, but won’t rule out.”
LM:: At least you are getting some consideration - I’m not.
PEW:: I’m just being honest…..but I know my happiness is secondary to yours, so I’ll look at any listings that he sends
—————
I see. After the incessant badgering to sell the house and move, which started only shortly after she moved-in with me, it’s a good time to do that and her happiness is secondary to mine. Projection. Entitlement. Truth be told, if it was up to me, I wouldn’t have moved from that house. There was plenty of room to expand and had a massive garage, living room, recreational room, formal dining room, kitchen, 4/5 bedrooms… it was nice, oversized Cape Cod. If I was a selfish bastard, I’d STILL be living there!

Also, keep in mind as you read this that the house has been on the market less than two-weeks and the rages are already starting.
—————
LM:: Yes… we’re moving because your happiness is secondary to mine. What a joke. Thanks for kicking this off in a miserable way for no good reason. I appreciate it. You tell me “NO.” I tell you I am giving areas that you like, but I am not particularly fond of “consideration…” and I am the mean one. Nice. I’ve sent you links to Dtown and Indyland as things to check out. Nothing in Bminster. Nothing in Anyborough. Nothing in Homesteadville, Rsville or anywhere else where you “won’t move to.” So my actions demonstrate that I am following yet another one of your edicts. And you are still acting cranky. If you have nothing else positive to add, I’ll just log off now until I know you aren’t going to badger me any more. Okay?
PEW:: i’m not badgering you, and if you don’t like my “so called edict” you can take your half and i’ll take my half and we’ll each buy a house where we want……is that BETTER?
LM:: Knock it off, PEW. I say I am partial to gas heat. You say “I don’t want to limit ourselves to gas heat.” I say “Okay.” You say, “I aint moving there.” I say “Okay.” I say… “I want to see some homes in those areas for comparison’s sake” You go berzerk and start questioning the marriage again. Thanks, PEW. Thanks a lot.
PEW:: good bye
LM:: Bye.
—————-
Well, at least I managed to get out of that one quickly, despite my best unconscious efforts to say things that will keep it going.
—————-

3/23/2001

PEW:: i have an appt at 3:30
LM:: And? You need coverage?
PEW:: no my sister is coming back. i am just letting you know
LM:: Oh… okay… I remembered.
PEW:: ok. i’d like to put further discussions about our location on hold until or next session….i’m really not in the mood to be brow beat
LM:: Awww. I wasn’t meaning to brow beat. I resent the implication that I was doing so. I know it isn’t an easy thing to discuss. Why is explaining my position “browbeating” but you explaining your position isn’t? Do you even know what “browbeating” means?
PEW:: well before we even listed the house….you drove by a house in Tratown and loved it……now all of the sudden you are fixated on this house in Pieville. yes….i know what browbeating means and I’ve been brow beaten by you b4. this house may not be available when we sell……it may not be in our price range
LM:: I’m not. I was using it as an example.
PEW:: and when you say that Piesville is only 12 miles away…..I can easily say that Bedlem is only 4 miles away. and Tratown is only 3 miles away
LM:: I drove by the house in Tratown… it was a lovely house, in a nice neighborhood… a
stone’s throw from an area that I dislike.
PEW:: and Hollyville and Rboro are 3 & 4 miles away. Stonehampton is one mile away. so we wouldn’t be moving farther away from your family
LM:: As I’ve said before… I’m not against moving to most of those areas for the right home. Unlike you, I’ve discounted little, with exception of Ltown, and now Bedlem. I’m not strong-arming you into anything.
PEW:: well based on what you said today….we might as well take the house off the market
LM:: I’m asking you to consider something more than babysitting and night’s out and proximity to parents… and consider schools… value… beauty… the type of home we can get for the money… etc. Pieville AS AN EXAMPLE… is 12 miles away… and despite your claims to the contrary… is not on the other end of the earth from anybody. Also… assuming we had a shot in hell to get something like that in that area… I am, in FACT, sacrificing my proximity to the very same things in the interest of long-term goals, needs, desires for my family. You speak as if in doing so… I sacrifice nothing and have no regard to you. And that simply isn’t true. Then you start with the “browbeat” and other combative words. No fair. It’s another classic case you eliminating the overwhelming majority of opportunities… and turning it around as if I am the one doing it. You pigeonhole us in one direction.
—————
This was a common occurrence but always fascinating. The “me, me, me, everything is about me” view of everything. My concerns are benefits to my household. My family. My wife, my kids, myself. I’m TRYING to plan smartly. There is nothing she is allegedly sacrificing (aside from her incessant whining about her happiness being the top consideration in all of this) that I’m not sacrificing, too! Proximity to family being one, proximity to workplace being two.

The reality, I’ll later discover, is that she really has a tough time figuring out how to parent and/or interact with the children on her own. Without being able to pack them up and go to someone else’s house as a means to not have to interact with the children one-on-one for any appreciable amount of time, she was fearful of being further away from her “co-parents” - various family members and friends. To this day, she always has her neighbor over, her sister over, her parents over (or she is elsewhere). She has repeatedly shown and even stated that she “just can’t handle” the kids on her own for long periods of time. Deep-down, if it was up to her, I think she would have been happy to move into her parents’ basement.
—————
PEW:: well it is brow beating because I’ve explained to you in no uncertain terms that living in that location would make me unhappy …..yet you continue to persue it
LM:: But I’M the inflexible one.
PEW:: i’m not pigionholing us….
LM:: And I’ve explained to you that living in the locations that you are choosing will make ME unhappy. Now what?
PEW:: i’m willing to go to…..Currenttown, Stonehampton, Hollyville, Rboro, Ltown Bedlem, Midtown, Oldtown, etc…etc…
LM:: Then Currenttown it is.
PEW:: well…please tell me why living in those areas would make you unhappy
LM:: You’ve eliminated EVERY place that has ANY desire to me. So… we might as well not move.
PEW:: no….we might as well separate, because I’m moving from this house I’ve hated this house since the day I signed my life away to it
LM:: And… instead of working with me to do that idea… you’ve decided to argue about it.
PEW:: when do I get a chance to live where I want
LM:: Thanks. Make sure you remember that for next session.
PEW:: no you decided to argue
LM:: I don’t want to see you somehow make this out as me. Oh, I see you are already doing so.
PEW:: tell me what makes you so unhappy about living in the areas I mentioned
LM:: Nope. Not in this context. I’ll do it my likes and dislikes on paper.
PEW:: why
LM:: I will not “argue” with you about it.
PEW:: because you can’t think of anything
LM:: So, is there something else you wish to discuss at this point? Bedlem SUCKS Ltown SUCKS. I hate those areas. We might as well move to into the City. I don’t want to move towards the City.
PEW:: you are being immature
LM:: Those are not areas that are increasing in value. Those are not areas where I want my children to live.
PEW:: you are being self-centered
LM:: No, I’m not. I am answering your question. I don’t want to spend 200G on a house that we will only be able to sell for 200G 10 years from now.
PEW:: I’ve sacrificed the past six years of my life to live in a house that has given me nothing but unhappiness
LM:: The object is buy something that will benefit us down the road. Enough. I’m logging off unless you change the subject. I wanted to discuss areas likes and dislikes using a nice method. You choose not to. YOUR fault. Not mine. Anything else?
PEW:: I don’t want to discuss moving in that direction at all unless it is in counseling
LM:: Yeah… sure… as if the counselor will help us make the decision.
PEW:: and because I say that….you say….we’ll be moving into another house in Currenttown….just to be mean
LM:: No I’m not. You’ve cut out all of the areas that are of particular interest to me. I did not do that to you… that is… until you just gave me the above list.
PEW:: no…that’s not true
LM:: So… that leaves Currenttown. Yes it is true. You simply saying it “isn’t” doesn’t make it so.
PEW:: well how come you were looking in the Tratown/Fville area b4
LM:: You’ve bookmarked nothing West of New Road.
PEW:: and the last time our house was for sale we looked in Stonehampton, Rboro, Hollyville, Chuville
LM:: My bookmarks continue to consist of Fville, Chuville, Oldtown, Oldtown Boro, and Upper Stonehampton. In addition to the other areas I like. You haven’t done the same, because you flat REFUSE to consider anywhere that is one foot further from your parents. Period. Last time when we looked… we looked at homes that, at that time… had great potential to increase in value… well… THEY HAVE.
PEW:: well considering the fact that….3 months ago we were on the verge of divorcing forever…..I WILL NOT put myself further away from the people that love me and that I love…..YOU say that you want to work things out and stay married to me…yet you will go on and on about this regardless of my feelings….this is one of the reasons I think that you are not the person that you present yourself to be
LM:: And you continue to be grossly histrionic about what amounts to, at most, in a worst-case scenario - to be 12 miles. WORST CASE! 12 miles. I am tired of you using our marriage as leverage to get your way.
PEW:: what about you…..my preferences are less than 5 miles
LM:: It is mean. It is unconscionable.
PEW:: i’m not using our marriage as leverage
LM:: When you say things like…. “you don’t care about our marriage and my happiness…:”
PEW:: our marriage is and has been in trouble for quite some time and you KNOW it
LM:: You are.
PEW:: I AM NOT I’m giving you the facts
LM:: This is a prime example. YOU say that you want to work things out and stay married to me…yet you will go on and on about this regardless of my feelings. You just wrote that.
PEW:: no this is not
LM:: That says… “if you had regard for our marriage… and my feeliings…” then I wouldn’t “pursue it.” Meaning… I wouldn’t continue to look around those areas.
PEW:: right because moving me further from here is going to be detremental to our marriage ….FACT
—————
I’m betting right now that you’re exasperated as I always was at her breaks from reality, even though the evidence of what she’s doing and saying is right there in front of her. I am not using our marriage as leverage! Am, too. Wait, I am not. Am, too. I didn’t say that our marriage is in jeopardy, but I’m telling you right now, if you do this, our marriage is in jeopardy! I did not just say that! I can almost see the inner child covering her ears, closing her eyes, and stomping her feet as she twirls in a circle. Can you? But I still keep on explaining…

(more…)