The Psycho Ex Wife

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In the event anyone wanted to know, driving with a suspended license is not a crime unless you’re pulled over for another traffic violation.  I recently spoke of Psycho-SIL’s brushes with the law back in Psycho Police Blotter.

Needless to say, I was annoyed (but didn’t let it show) when Aunty DUI was behind the wheel of her car with PEW in the passenger seat during the exchange yesterday.  So, after we got home and I got the kids settled, I walked out into the woods and called the police.  The local police station is about a 60-second walk from PEW’s home.  I explained to the situation and that Aunty DUI is currently driving with a suspended license, I didn’t want her driving my children around, and told them if they sat in front of her house, she would be pulling up any minute for them to do something about it.

As gracious, explanatory, and even humorous (at times) as the officer was, the bottom line is, there is nothing the police can do about someone driving with a suspended license unless they are stopped for another violation.  The “logic” is that in order for the officer to pull Aunt DUI over for just that reason, he would have to prove that he knew who she was, what she looked like, that her license was suspended - in order to have cause to pull her over.

Reluctantly, I admitted that it made perfect sense and that it “sucked ass.” He replied that it was one of “life’s shit-sandwiches that we all sometimes have to take a bite of.”

He was very sympathetic, looked up all of the stuff while I was there on the phone with him, and let me know that her license was ultimately suspended for 2-months, adjudicated this week 2-months ago.  So, adding insult to injury, her license is good as of tomorrow, anyway.

So, for all of those people who wonder why drunk driving is still a problem - it’s because you can have an established pattern of lack of control using alcohol, much in the same way that Aunt DUI has with about a half-dozen citations for public drunkenness and being caught & convicted of driving while obliterated at twice the legal limit… on the SIDEWALK in town… get a slap on the wrist… and then drive with your suspended license as long as you aren’t involved in a traffic stop.

And think about this… the diversionary program in which she’s enrolled will allow her to possibly have her record expunged.  Yep… the benefits of being a menace to society and worse… the boys.  She’ll get away with both flagrantly driving with a suspended license and for DRUNK-DRIVING.  I think I’m going to tell them, really soon, about the dangers of drunk-driving and use Aunt DUI as an example.  Yes, I am.  And I may tell them never to get into a car with her if she’s driving under any circumstances, too.

Bottoms-up!

From the ‘hindsight is 20/20′ file, while preparing for the upcoming hearing (re-scheduled to June 24th), we decided it was time to do some research to nail-down when Psycho-SIL really became a resident of PEW’s household.  The bottom line is this, it’s been on-again and rarely off-again since she bought the home in 2005.

Well, a simple search led from one thing to another and it would seem that there is plenty to add to the “PP - Her Story” thread from many moons ago.  We started searching public records from PEW’s township/county and surrounding counties.  Psycho-SIL has been diagnosed as suffering from Bi-Polar Disorder.  If you read the back-story, her behaviors, suicide attempt, substance abuse, lack of effort on obtaining and maintaining treatment for her condition is quite concerting, particularly with the rather high level of interaction she has with the children.  Early on in this custody process, I even petitioned the court to limit both her involvement as well as “EE” (PEW’s drunk father).  I wanted them to be prohibited from having any unsupervised access to the boys.  My efforts were to no avail.

Let’s review what we’ve uncovered since the split in 2004, shall we?

• June 2004 - Plead guilty to Public Drunkenness and Similar Misconduct.
• November 2005 - Found guilty at trial for Public Drunkenness and Similar Misconduct.
• June 2006 - Plead guilty to Public Drunkenness and Similar Misconduct.
• January 2007 - Traffic stop for an as-yet unspecified reason, plead guilty to Failure to Maintain Registration Card Signature.  Dismissed for Failure to Maintain Financial Responsibility (Insurance).  Plead guilty to Improperly Displayed Plate (unregistered vehicle).
• September 2008 - DRIVING UNDER THE INFLUENCE!

The last one is a beauty.  She was charged under the “highest” category for intoxication.  She had a BAC of .16, twice the legal limit! She was arrested after being found driving on the sidewalk!

Now, I may have detailed a story here about a time (pre-divorce) where I found the iron rims on the right side of her car destroyed and when I confronted her about it, she denied remembering what happened.  She denied drinking and driving, she just “couldn’t remember doing anything” that would have resulted in a pair of seriously bent RIMS on her car.

She’s a black-out drunk, it would seem.  I was talking with one of my brothers and asked the simple question, “How fucked-up do you have to be and what do you have to be doing in order to be seen and stopped for public drunkenness?” We had no answers, but surmised that you must have to truly be blasted out of your gourd.

So, the path leading to my worst fears seem to be coming to fruition, much to my dismay.  She’s far too close to the children and clearly continues to be out of control.  Making matters worse, I can’t imagine what the hell is going through PEW’s mind by having her so close to the children.

Now, given her vast history with public arrests involving the abuse of alcohol, you might think that she wouldn’t be eligible for a “diversionary program” that would result in her record potentially being expunged.  Of course, you would be mistaken, but boy am I glad we looked before that happened!

Her punishment:

• License suspension for 1-year.
• Take and pass Alcohol Highway Safety School.
• CRN Evaluation and Treatment (Court Reporting Network to assess your substance abuse issues).
• PPI Evaluation and Recommended IN-PATIENT TREATMENT.
• Community Service Program.

These events, and I am sure those remaining undiscovered, have me back in full alarm mode and I’m strongly considering moving in the direction of a restraining order to prohibit her contact with the children in any capacity, while hoping for a minimum of no unsupervised access.  That means, no babysitting.  No driving them anywhere.  Nothing.  This, I expect to do without warning.

Further, despite the assertion to the contrary in the conference room prior to the hearing, I don’t believe that Psycho-SIL has moved out of the house.   I’ve had enough of the lies.  I’ve had enough of the bullshit.  I’ve had enough of the children living on the precipice of potential danger of not only living with one suspected mentally-ill parent, but having a diagnosed, untreated, bi-polar mentally ill Aunt.

I’m not sure you grasp how serious this is for me.  I’m not sure I even know because I vacillate between a semi-sort of “I’m really quite concerned” calmly to a “tremendously stressful, heart-palpitating” fear.  My two children spend 50% of their time, with not one seriously disordered parent, but two seriously disordered parent/parental figures.  Neither of them is receiving treatment.  At least one is a serious substance abuser and has been most of her adult life.

Despite these realities, I’m not sure it’s enough to convince a court to alter custody.  I certainly can’t prove that PEW is BPD without a formal diagnosis.  That’s not going to happen in a court room.  So, all that she needs to do is give Psycho-SIL the boot (for the alleged third time) and that “threat” is mitigated.  I’m not sure, as I sit here, what my approach is going to be.  However, I think a restraining order is probably the way to go.  If Psycho-SIL is moving out, then I need to have a document that I can wield like a weapon when she suddenly reappears at PEW’s home.  Or, I hear she is driving the children anywhere (alone or with others).  Or, I hear she is babysitting.

She is a threat to my children’s safety and I must take action.  She always has been and I believe she always will be.  Here’s a woman who can’t live on her own but PEW allows to “take care of” the kids.  Frankly, PEW is a threat to my children’s safety because she allows her sister to spend any appreciable time with them, sometimes alone, knowing that she’s tried to kill herself.  She has physically assaulted the children.  She has made fun of them in horrible ways with name-calling.

It’s days like these where I despise not having the power and the backing to get something done QUICKLY about such matters.  I’m angry at the moment.

—–

20/20 Hindsight observations:

- Psycho SIL’s car always seems to be at the house no matter what time of the day it is.  ( I don’t stalk, I know this from dropping the kids off and from multiple subpoena service attempts.)

- PEW is often driving Psycho-SIL’s car and it never dawned on me to wonder why.  Very often, Psycho-SIL is a passenger.

- The more she accuses me of “stuff” - the more she lets me know she’s engaged in it in one way, shape, or form.  Whether it’s hidden income, substance abuse, lying, planning something underhanded… she’s a pretty easy read.

UPDATE!

Continuing from Negotiating with a Terrorist - Part I…

Her last email was followed up with the following, much more urgently worded stop sign…

LM,

Please hold off on sending anything to [your lawyer]. I need some more time to think about this. Honestly I don’t know how comfortable I am with how quickly you want to move this forward. I also don’t know how I feel about the car. I’m locked into driving S1 to school everyday for the rest of the year….and back. And S2 too for that matter. I need time to think about the whole custody issue too.

I need more time.

Thanks,
PEW

In matter of hours we’ve gone from an agreement… to disagreement over a vehicle detail… to disagreement on pretty much EVERY detail. Thanks? Oh, okay. You’re welcome. Ass.

Still, I’m negotiating from a position of weakness and I try to maintain decorum, civility, and nudge this towards an end. I reply…

PEW,

I can’t force you to do anything. But you have to understand something… I want to move forward in a positive direction and it seemed as though we were kicking that off in the right direction. Unfortunately, [my lawyer] has probably already mailed everything to [your lawyer's] office, so I can’t stop that now.

The longer this continues… the more it costs the both of us. I told you already that things are getting tight with the house and I cannot continue to pay for it… that will become a problem very soon. We need to put this to rest and move on, PEW.

I can’t keep going around in circles with you. You want to settle, then you don’t. Then you want to settle then you don’t. Then you want to settle, we actually work out an agreement, and two days later you don’t want to settle. I can’t keep doing this. We can’t keep doing this.

What happened to wanting to stop the madness and move on amicably and do what’s best for the children? I’m really trying here.

~LM

That pretty much sums it up. We can end the madness or not. My belief in my understanding of borderline personality disorder leads me to believe that if we end the madness, we end her reason for existing.

LM,

It’s just that you’ve been nothing but horrible since last February. I am in $10,000 of debt because of you and you want to split hairs over the van. When I was keeping the van you wanted money thrown your way, with you keeping it….. that’s it. Let’s sell the van or sell both cars. Split the difference, that seems alot more fair.

I have reservations about sharing custody 50/50. You’re claiming you want what’s best for them, but seriously is it just that you’re over a barrel right this minute??? It feels like you’re manipulating me again.

All this stuff you’re doing right now, should have been done last March. I’m thinking about this.

~PEW

I’ve been nothing but horrible to her. I filed nothing more than a counter-petition when she blind-sided me with the surprise custody petition. Everything else she has filed… injunctions, hearings over school, custody of the children, and has seen to it that her attorney has read, reviewed, accepted, rejected every bit of correspondence to that point… and I cost her. Everything that has occurred to this point (and beyond) was due to her taking action and incurring the costs. Everything. As always, it’s all someone else’s fault. Namely me.

And remember the repeated assertions about it always being about the money for me? Here, she suggests that we sell both vehicles, taking a big financial hit, and both be left without vehicles just so that she can have more cash, regardless of the horrible position it would leave either her or both her and I. All about the money for who? For the psycho ex-wife.

From here it would continue to disintegrate. Part III coming soon…

I remember the first night that I “met” the ex-FIL. PEW and I were out on a date, where and what we were doing is inconsequential because - I simply don’t remember it. What I do remember, all-too-vividly was going back to her parent’s house. It was late. She invited me in but, given her parents were likely home, I didn’t intend to stay very long. Quietly, we opened the door. As we walked through the living room, there he was in all of his bloated glory… passed-out cold. He was retarded drunk. He was wearing a nice sweater the was form fitting around his monumental “30-pack” abs. The ensemble was completed with a pair of red slacks, which, at this point, were torn from his asshole to his crotch as his legs likely flopped open into the slouched, spread-eagle position as he fell back into the easy-chair. He had pissed himself.

This was another serious red-flag I ignored.

I’m not entirely sure his alcoholism is that of the methodical, daily drunk. He was more the uncontrollable binge drinker, much like PEW at that time in her life. He is what people call a “functional alcoholic.” That moment should have been a sign among many, but the truth be told, it was the only time I ever saw him that shot-in-the-ass. I had seen him drunk from time-to-time, but he was little more than overbearing, obnoxiously loud, and somewhat insulting in what he believes is a humorous way.

Yes, the grandfather of our children. He is an ex-police officer from a major metropolitan area. He has lots of friends in fairly high places still in that area. It’s not like he hasn’t accomplished anything in life. He really has done much good in life, just little, if anything, for his own family and their behavior and diagnoses reflect that. He heads up an organization that does a lot of good for people in an important sector of the community. He has managed to keep it going quite successfully for a long time and for that, he does deserve credit. (That’s the “functional” part of him.) If only all of these people who see him as such a wonderful person knew what kind of a self-loathing, abusive, son-of-a-bitch he is in real-life.

Yes, I’m certain a bit the of the Napoleanic Complex is what drives his incessant compulsion to put down anyone and everyone - even his loved ones. Coming from a home with several siblings, I know what it is to poke fun at one another, even at our “advanced” ages. We still know how to bust on each other with the best of them. The difference is, there is a level of maliciousness within that family, and they all do it, that can only be described as making one quite uncomfortable. It cuts to the soul and can be too personal for an offspring and even a sibling. It also explains how she came to acquire such expertise in the field of verbal abuse viciousness.

• There is the story of EE freaking out on PEW when she pulled an all-nighter at a young age where he screamed at her about suspecting giving blow-jobs and swallowing cum.
• There was, in my presence, him methodically insulting and embarrassing PP in front of me and the rest of the family about the size of her tits and the fact that she was overweight or had changed her hair color again.
• His incessantly making fun of a son who was voluntarily hospitalized and diagnosed with bipolar disorder after nearly killing himself (and quite possibly others).
• He never hesitated to unleash verbal assaults on MM (the wife), even in front of my children which I would invariably have to put down.
• His teaching my children songs that were racist or spoke of killing their mother or making fun of some other family member. He would even deliberately teach them foul language.
• He would tickle my children incessantly (but never to this degree when I was present) - to the point where they would be crying or nearly throwing-up, and then justify it to PEW by telling her “they asked me to do that, they were enjoying it!”
• He would spare no one insulting or demeaning jokes - even would make fun of the children about some feature that caught his attention. That is, except me. The one time in all the years that he ever dared attempt to be that “humorous” with me, I gave it back to him. I don’t even recall what he said to me, but without hesitation I retorted some crack about his physical condition where I coined the term “30-pack abs” which I deliberately put in the opening paragraph of this post. I do know, however, that he has joined the rest of the family in making fun of me since the marriage ended (coward that he is) even doing so in front of the children, which usually brought them to me full of interesting questions.
• Stories from their childhood about drunken rages, pulling guns on MM, verbally and physically abusing his children (which PEW would justify to her sister PP by telling her that she “deserved it” because she wouldn’t keep her mouth shut). Things ultimately got so bad that the kids had to go live with an aunt & uncle for some stretch of time.

There is an unending list of mini-stories I could post about here but it would make this post endless, as interesting a read as it may be. He’ll make some more stupid moves that I should have taken up a notch or ten, like the time he made a threatening phone call to our home, completely identifying himself, and then stammering like an idiot, blowing hot air much like he taught his children to do so well.

He is the root of all of this heartache and despair. Also, through stories, it is my understanding that he suffered a similar fate at the hands of his own parents. I guess he simply was unable to overcome the learned behaviors and/or genetics associated with whatever makes this picture of dysfunction so bleak.

How did this all begin?

I was married once before, actually. Early marriage at 22-years of age to my high school sweetheart. We bought a single family home together. The marriage lasted about 3-years total before we divorced. The details are inconsequential, but substance abuse on her part was one of the primary factors that led to the demise of that relationship.

At 25, having been with one woman for effectively 8-years, one would think that I would explore my new found freedom. D’OH! Not me, I was too stupid to do that. Someone at my workplace paid me some attention - PEW. A little flirtatiousness in the Fall of 1994 led to some dating around Thanksgiving that turned into a relationship after the 1st of 1995.

PEW, before she ballooned up to nearly 280-pounds a few years after she had me in her clutches, was actually a fairly pretty 125-pound, redheaded, Irish lass with a temper and thirst for booze to match. She was a binge drinker. At 25, that’s kind of fun. We would go out to happy hour or parties at co-workers places. I would keep myself under control. If I was doing that, she was going for broke! Slinging her ass over my shoulder when she would fall out of the car so drunk she couldn’t walk was “cute” and “funny.”

That was a red flag I ignored.

It was bizarre because I tend to study people. It wasn’t long before I realized that there was a distinct personality change in her if she had 1-more drink than 3. If she had 3 drinks in an evening, she was pleasant and fun. If she had a fourth, it was like someone threw a switch. He face physically changed, became harder, and had a hard-to-describe mean look. Also, if she had 1-drop more than 3 drinks - she was having 10-drinks. She either had 3-drinks or 10-drinks. There was rarely an in-between… She would hit the drink accelerator and not stop until she drank herself retarded.

That was a red flag I ignored.

The entire first year of our relationship saw her move in with me into my residence (the first wife vacated a while earlier). It also saw her leave or threaten to leave nearly a dozen times after many vicious, foul-mouthed assaults that were OFF-THE-CHAIN! You’ll enjoy many of the train’s derailments which took place over the years.

That was a red-flag I ignored.

Along with that, late in the first year came the intense pressure for wanting to be engaged. She would badger me and badger me and badger me until I would get pissed. At the time, early in 1996, I actually had a plan - but when she didn’t get it at New Year’s - she’d explode. When she didn’t get it at Valentine’s Day - she’d explode. It reached such a crescendo that I finally yelled at her during one of her meltdowns, I ACTUALLY HAVE A PLAN TO ASK YOU TO MARRY ME, IF YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS, I’LL TELL YOU THE DATE AND TIME I INTEND TO ASK YOU, BUT I’M NOT GOING TO FUCKING ASK YOU UNTIL THEN! IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!?!?

That stopped it for the time being. It was also another red flag I ignored. Yes, I accept full responsibility for the train trip I had embarked upon. I bought the ticket. I climbed on board. I had a tour that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. The trip still isn’t over.