The Psycho Ex Wife

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LM & DW,

I found your site a couple of months ago, and it is like a breath of fresh air!  It is so reassuring to know that my husband and I are not that only ones trying to carve out a decent family life while dealing with the non-stop craziness caused by a completely psycho ex (I refer to her as the EBM - evil birth mother).  My husband and the EBM have an adorable son (SN).  I love this little boy and enjoy being a stepmom; we have a very strong relationship and since I met him when he was very young he doesn’t remember me ever not being around.

My husband has been submerged in court drama since before I even met him.  The core issue has always been that the EBM would consistently deny my husband’s court-ordered visitation, including refusing to allow SN to accompany us for vacations as specified in the court order.  She felt like SN belonged exclusively to her and therefore it was always completely up to her when and if my husband was allowed to see his son.  She does not take the law seriously and is unfazed by court orders.  She desperately needs to be in CONTROL and pursues that end at all costs, even when it is blatantly harmful to SN.  It’s heartbreaking, really, what SN has been through.  If my husband would ever object to the EBM denying visitation, she would threaten to haul him into court — which she did follow through on nine different times: a variety of trumped-up abuse charges (once complete with a false witness that she hired), a fraudulent police report that she forced SN to “sign” (at age seven!), baseless restraining orders, and consistent appeals for increased child support (my husband pays substantial child support but as neither the EBM or her lazy husband prefer to actually get a normal job, they apparently feel entitled to more handouts from us).  It’s insane.  Sometimes I feel like the EBM is truly out to ruin us and we spend our lives trying to defend ourselves from all this crap.  So far, thankfully, we have been successful in court, as the EBM tends to fall apart under cross-examination when she cannot keep her various lies straight.  (We also have a very good attorney.)  Eventually the judge dismisses/denies her claims, of course after we have spent thousands of dollars on legal costs.  To say that this has been stressful for us is an extreme understatement.

After years of this pattern, it became clear that SN desperately needed a stable parent in his life, and the only way that my husband was going to be able to be involved in his son’s life would be to head back to court.  So, we finally turned the tables and took the EBM to court, on contempt of court charges for her consistent failure to adhere in the slightest to court orders regarding the time SN is supposed to have with his dad.  Of course this process took well over a year — and I don’t even want to think about how much money — before it finally got to trial a few months ago.  Fortunately for us, while this was all in the works, the EBM’s husband’s “career” as a drug dealer came to light (not a surprise to us).  We had the whole custody evaluator ordeal, which I am happy to say went substantially better for us than the horror stories I’ve been reading on your site. I guess we were lucky.  The evaluator recommended that my husband be given sole legal custody, and 50/50 residential custody, which is, in fact, what the judge ordered.  This was a huge positive step for us (and for SN), since previously SN had been living with the EBM full-time and seeing us every other weekend (or less, if the EBM denied visitation which she often did).

So anyway, the last few months have been delightful as my husband is finally getting to parent his son.  He is such a great dad!  We have settled into a great family routine and SN loves it.  SN is thriving in a home environment characterized by peace and order — where “the rules” do not change from day to day, nobody yells, things are clean, and everyone is respectful and kind to each other.  So the first month after court went pretty smoothly.  (I guess the EBM was temporarily mellow after getting her butt kicked in court.)

However, sad to say, the tranquility has not lasted.  The EBM is just basically a really bad parent.  I know she has some psychological problems, and I feel sorry for her, but I hate it that SN has to live half the time really in complete chaos.  SN is consistently tardy to school during his weeks with the EBM, even though the school is just a couple blocks away from her house.  She also pulls him out of school way too often (for any number of reasons, such as her having an appointment), without giving my husband the option of taking him to and from school if she cannot (which we would gladly do).  Just today we received a note from SN’s teacher letting us know that the EBM was 40 minutes late picking SN up from school yesterday.  This is completely unacceptable, and totally undermines the progress we are making with SN to help him focus better and really apply himself to his studies.  He is doing better in school since the custody change, but it is so sad to see him beginning to grasp the concept of taking pride in trying hard and doing good work when he’s with us — only to have all that eroded the following week when he’s back with his mother and all her chaos.

As sole legal custodian, my husband is supposed to make decisions regarding SN’s schooling, so I’m thinking that the EBM shouldn’t be allowed to keep SN out of school so much without my husband’s consent.  She has also violated the court order in a couple of other ways recently, including canceling a doctor’s appointment that my husband made (the appointment was for my husband to take SN to the pediatrician during SN’s time with us).  We made the appointment two months in advance and did not find out that the EBM had cancelled it until the day before; at that point it would be another eight weeks before we could secure another appointment.  Even though the court order clearly states that medical decisions are to be made by my husband, the EBM resents this and will apparently take any and all possible steps to block my husband’s involvement, even though doing so is clearly detrimental to SN.  She doesn’t care, because in her head it’s all about HER.

So my question is, what can we do about all this?  Talking with the EBM does absolutely no good; we’ve tried that and she goes into meltdown mode and rants and raves and swears and then hangs up the phone.  We are documenting everything carefully, and my husband thinks the only thing we can do is continue documenting and then once we have an overwhelming amount of documentation in a year or so, take her back to court.  That’s probably where all this is headed, but I am very concerned about SN having to live like this for much longer.  The EBM’s interference with his schooling is particularly concerning to us.  Any advice would be welcome.  Sorry this has gotten so long!

~Juliet

………..

Romeo & Juliet,

I’m not sure I’d wait for a year’s worth of evidence before taking action. I say this because SN’s performance in school could suffer tremendously in that time and, if the lateness and absence continue to be a chronic problem, issues of truancy could arise which could cause problems for Romeo as well.

If she is pulling the child out of school without a legitimate reason (excused absence) - that’s enough of a violation of the sole legal custody provision of the court order to be worth taking her to court for contempt. You’ll obviously need to demonstrate the dates SN was out of school and the reason why he was out of school, which may prove difficult.

The other option is to go for a modification of the custody order that includes a detailed right-of-first-refusal clause that encompasses not only custodial periods - but issues like you describe with the school. It should go without saying, but all-too-often with PEWs, anything that isn’t said isn’t real. You may need to specify in the court order than SN is not permitted to miss school without a legitimate reason and that in the event something for the PEW comes up - Romeo gets the call, the custody, and the responsibility for ensuring SN is taken to school on time.

Readers?

~LM

Dear LM & DW,

How do you not lose your own sanity when dealing with a greedy PEW, her Napolean-complex attorney, and a biased mediator?

PEW is claiming that DH owes $3,000 in camp fees for SS7 from 2 years ago.  He already paid.  He showed the mediator the canceled checks.  The mediator’s response?  “PEW and her attorney aren’t budging, just pay it again, it will cost you more to go to court.”

She’s asking for $1,000 per month for childcare paid to her (on top of the $35K per year in child support) as she no longer wants DH to pay the childcare provider directly.  First, childcare is $350 per month, not $1,000.  Second, PEW receives $100/month childcare subsidy from her employer, which she refuses to deduct from the $350 and pockets.  Third, he’s been paying the childcare provider directly for 3-years.  The mediator’s response?  “The $1,000 is a soft number, she’ll settle for $800, just pay it, it’s cheaper than going to court.”

PEW wants $200 per month for SS7’s tutor.  Huh? SS7 does not have a tutor.  His school has not recommended a tutor.  He’s an above average student and he does not need a tutor.  The mediator’s response?  Yup, “just pay it.”

On the other hand PEW has not reimbursed DH approx. $1,500 in expenses he fronted that are PEW’s responsibility under their divorce settlement.  The mediator’s response? “Just eat it, you make enough money.”

~Frustrated

……….

Dear Frustrated,

The short answer is - you go to court. Seriously. The mediator is not doing their job. They’re very likely not following the court order(s). They’re also very likely not following the state guidelines, though you didn’t tell me in which state you reside. The mediator is a party to what comes awfully close to extortion. They are both taking your money and spending your money based upon your household income. It’s unethical and the mediator should be fired or otherwise removed from the case if you have such recourse, in my opinion.

The longer you allow this to continue, you can certainly bet that it will continue as no one has anything to lose by continuing to take the lazy-way out and still collect a paycheck because, “you can afford it.”

This is definitely one case where I would absolutely suggest that you spend your money on the attorney to make sure that the state guidelines are followed to the letter and the court orders are followed similarly. In a case like this, I would gladly give the money to the attorney to have everything enforced the way it is documented either via state statute and/or court order (whether we agree with the statutes & calculations or not).

In the long run, the mediator is incorrect. It will cost you far more in the long run to listen to his/her advice than it will to tighten everything up in court, I’m sorry to say.

~LM

Guys,

I have a few nosy questions but still want to talk with DW. It’s hard to follow the site as to where you are at this point.

Holy-moly, I give LM credit for not killing himself and getting it over with! I just found your website and I have to tell you that it’s not funny at all BUT it beats any damn soap opera on tv and it sucks that this is true life. My question is HOW THE HELL DO YOU STAY OUT OF IT? I am at the beginning stages of the PEW and I so want to confront. I haven’t had the opportunity to talk with our PEW but its coming. She has contacted my POE on more than more occasion. I so want to stoop to her level and its killing me not to!

Would you please start a different catagory and help us that are sitting here watching our man get screwed! We need a support group for us. I am just entering this PEW world and can see it is getting worse as the days go by.

Thank you in advance for your help!

~AH

Dear AH,

I know exactly how you feel, and almost 5 years in, I still want to scratch PEW’s eyes out on a daily basis. It’s extremely difficult to not stoop to her level. The biggest thing to remember that will help: it won’t do a damn bit of good to tell her how you feel about her. They just don’t get the irony that what we would say to them is what they say to us all the damn time. For instance, PEW will send a text message with just the word “asshole,” she’ll call names in pretty much 60% of emails and calls, but LM should “take it like a man” after all it’s “all true.” When her family teaches the kids bad things about LM (inappropriate songs and curse words) he should laugh because it’s funny. But oh, tell her she’s a fat cow ONCE, and she is hurt to the core and will throw it in your face for the next 10 years.

You will never make her feel bad about herself, ever. You can’t because they already feel so awful about themselves that they can’t even look into their own minds, that’s why they project all of this crap on everyone else. They have to “see” that everyone else is awful because it’s the only way to feel better about themselves.

Of course knowing all of this won’t make you not want to throw her in front of a car. Bottom line, embrace your feelings, admit them, and find a way to let them out without giving her the satisfaction of seeing you blowup. Scream, go see a movie by yourself, and give yourself permission to take a break.

I think the hardest part is feeling like we have a choice to be in this relationship and although we love our partner, somewhere deep down we know life would be easier without having to deal with this. I don’t ever feel good about it, but I will take a week/end to spend away from LM and the boys just because I can’t handle things right then. You have to be able to accept that it’s hard and hopefully your partner supports you having those feelings without taking it personally.  It’s difficult. I always feel better after spending time by myself or with family and friends and come back ready to deal with her crap for a bit longer until she does something that makes me want to hurt her, and then I take another break. It’s never a break from LM, and it’s important to make that clear to your partner and yourself, it’s just a break from the insanity.

~DW

I’m going through a custody case right now over my two year old daughter. I had never heard of BPD (borderline personality disorder) before the split with my ex. A friend who happens to be a psychotherapist gave me her diagnosis.

After reading your website, it sounds like our relationship almost verbatim. We had the temporary orders hearing last week and I got primary custody with standard visitation for her. (two hours Thursday and every other weekend) The only reason I received this kind of judgment was getting a Judge that actually took the time to listen to all the evidence.

Her lawyer pretty much got blindsided. I honestly felt bad for him. All he knew was what she had told him (lies). I had a picture of our toilet that was still dirty (from her bulimia). Testimony from our babysitter that happens to be a foster mom and in law school. Her suicidal writings in notebooks. The fact that she doesn’t take care of her son from her first marriage and calls him “evil,” “the spawn of Satan,” and “the next Jeffrey Dahmer.” (Mind you - he’s only six.) Her own mother testified that she had said, “you know she’s lying when her mouth is moving.” I also have her on tape admitting the name calling of her son and the disgusting condition of our house when she moved out, but the judge didn’t even need to [hear that].

Despite getting blindsided, her attorney handled it rather well, which concerns me if he’s given more time to prepare and has more information than he had been given. I know it’s not close to being over. She still baits me at every turn to get me to lose my temper and even has tried the “what’s best for our daughter approach.” I have been the primary caregiver to our daughter since day one.

What can I do to make sure that when we actually go to trial, that there is nothing she and her lawyer can do to get the temporary order overturned?

~S.A.N.

S.A.N.,

While I am certainly sad for your predicament, I am encouraged by the early successes you’ve apparently had and your excellent preparation and organizational skills. Your continued efforts will maximize the best possible outcome for you.

Given what you’ve written and how you’ve written it, my primary suggestion will be to absolutely ensure that you do not lose your temper at all during this process… at least, not in a way that is recordable and could come back to haunt you. Go sit in your car with the windows rolled-up in the garage and scream at the top of your lungs. Go to the gym and work out. Find an outlet for your frustration and angst. DO NOT let it fly on your PEW. It takes a great deal of patience and discipline, but it is something that you must do despite the urges you may have to “let her have it.” Read my post: Appropriate Means of Contact with High Conflict Personalities. I often refer to it as “low contact.” Read it. Re-read it. Then read it again when the urge strikes you to vent your frustration on the PEW. Read my numerous examples of how to handle things inappropriately, a few of which are highlighted in the above article. This is so important to you and ultimately, your daughter. Give the other side something to use against you, particularly as a father, and it could serve to undermine everything you’ve accomplished so far.

What can you do?

In the “crap-shoot for dads” that is most family court systems in this country, there is no guarantee that your current situation won’t be reversed. After all, “mom is best” is still the obvious mindset of the divorce and family court cartel.

My suggestions:

- REMAIN CALM AND FOCUSED ON THE ULTIMATE GOAL, which is maximizing your time with the child for her ultimately long-term well-being as you see it. Stay low-contact and always speak respectfully to your PEW. Assume you’re being recorded. Assume everything you write is being saved and analyzed for use against you.

- Keep your “evidence” well-organized and relevant to the matters at issue. It would appear from your story that you have grasped that concept. Save yourself some money and always make 4-copies of everything for your attorney (and/or at the direction of your attorney). Don’t be paying counsel for making copies when you can do that. 1-copy for you. 1-copy for the judge. 1-copy for the other side. 1-copy for “just in case it’s needed for something” purposes.

- Stay highly involved in all of your daughter’s activities, which really goes without saying, but I’ll say it anyway. Know and interact with the schools and teachers. If she’s in extracurricular activities now or down the road, know and interact with coaches, sitters, nannies. You get the picture.

- I’ll repeat my low-contact suggestion. Answer no email that doesn’t require answering. That leaves very few. No idle chit-chat on the phone. No phone discussion at all unless it’s an emergency pertaining to the children. Any email you send should be short, to-the-point, and always blind-copy yourself on anything you send.

- Finally, don’t feel sorry for the other side, her attorney, or anything that is in a position of support for her and whose aim is to destroy your relationship with your daughter and her future well-being. Don’t waste your time.

I’m sure some of the readers will be quite happy to toss in some other tips and suggestions that may serve to help you as well. You can also check out some of our previous advice column posts, too.

Best wishes.
~LM

Hello Guys,

After reading your blog for the last few months, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I can relate. My boyfriend of two years has a psycho ex wife, and two children from that marriage. We actually found your blog because we had “diagnosed” her with BPD… and our experience in and out of court, and with the unpredictability mirrors your blog.

I’m reaching out for your advice, because I’m at the end of my rope.

Basically… [our PEW] had been more or less in and out of the children’s life when I met S (my boyfriend). She was re-married 2 weeks after their divorce to my boyfriend’s life long best friend, and had a child with him about 7 months later. So she was wrapped up in her “new” life and didn’t want much to do with the kids… until about a year into our relationship she realized that I was becoming their mother. So, she out of the blue, for the first time in 2 years since their divorce began asking for over nights with the kids… At first we weren’t reluctant because we wanted them to have a healthy relationship with their mother.

However, about a month into the 1 over night a week thing she began getting physical with them, sending our then 5-year old little girl home with blood on her shirt after being smacked in the nose with enough force to cause a nose bleed. CPS became involved and found that she had in fact been “using inappropriate discipline” and required her to take parenting classes.

She has since decided that she is going to make our lives a living hell. She filed for full custody, and child support… yes, seriously filed after not parenting for about 2-years took us to court! About $3,500 later, we have legal “possession”, with joint custody and she exercises parenting time per the state guidelines (every other weekend, and one night a week for 4 hrs)… CPS and our daughter’s teacher both testified against PEW in the trial, PEW had NOTHING to support her side except her psycho ranting and crying and the judge bought it!! She pays $0 child support, and gets more time with the kids than what she wanted prior to my involvement.. Alright so there is the back ground in a nut shell… Here is the current problem…

She has now decided that I’m to blame for ALL of her problems… and there are many! She is constantly sending emails (we switched from phone/in person to email per your suggestion) saying that I’m causing the children to hate her, that I’m causing the children to hate my boyfriend (which they adore their dad) Worse- she is aggressively manipulating our 5- and 7-year old children to think that I am a problem. She tells them that I don’t take good care of them, quite the contrary, and manipulates them into saying stuff like “we only don’t like you mommy, because she says not to like you” when I NEVER say a foul word about their mother in front of the children. and trust me - it’s HARD.

I need your advice on how to handle this with the children. It breaks my heart that she is telling them all kinds of horrible things about me, and at their tender ages they are believing some of it. She’s even gone as far as to tell them that I only went to college because I was extra stupid, and you only go to college if you’re extra stupid, and need more school… yes, seriously. I have had an absolutely WONDERFUL relationship with the children, but I can feel their mother’s influence rubbing off, and I’m worried about it damaging my relationship with them. She is also sending emails to my boyfriend saying stuff like… “You need to spend more time away from your girlfriend… with just the kids, because they’re sad that they have to share you” Something that I really don’t believe is an issue at all. In fact they view the 4 of us as a family, and she is threatening their view of it. How do you suggest we handle this… ANY advice would be appreciated… DW how do you handle this?

I just want to have a normal life, a normal family… I want her to parent the children how ever she sees fit (with out hurting them) when they’re with her, and leave us alone when they’re with us. What can we do?

Please help.

Thank you for everything.

J.I.M.

J.I.M.

DW here as LM is off on business travels. The short answer is this, there is nothing you can do. Nothing.

The long answer is worse I’m afraid. But let’s start at the beginni
ng. As we hear over and over from our readers, we’ve gone through the exact sames things you have. PEW has blamed me for her problems, told the boys that LM should only play with them when they are here and not my kids, the court cases, CPS, etc, etc ad nauseum. Unfortunately, there is absolutely nothing you can do about her behavior. As we often comment, it’s not against the law to be a bitch, even if it hurts your own kids.

The only thing you can change is your reaction to things. Of course changing your reaction isn’t always positive or helpful. The one thing you have going for you is that you have primary custody. Thank your lucky stars, because we dealt with the exact opposite schedule and you can imagine the damage PEW did to 3 & 6 year olds when she had them 26 days out of the month. You have the time and power to undo the brainwashing that occurs in the kids when they come home. Continue to love and support them as you would if their Mother was normal. It’s hard, especially when/if they start acting like her, but you have to be able to deal with them separately and not look at them as a package deal. This is probably the hardest thing I have to do right now, honestly, I’m not good at it.

However, my beliefs are changing on the “always be nice about Mom” front of things. Frankly, I think the kids deserve to be told straight up when Mom does or says something that isn’t right. You don’t have to slam her, but being able to say “I’m sorry your Mom told you that, it’s a lie, here’s the truth,” will help keep your sanity, and hopefully help them question things they hear in the future, because they will need this skill when dealing with her for a long time to come. This is a contention in most households, and certainly ours as I end up saying things under my breath or being very sly about it and LM shoots me an evil look pleading with me to shut up. What happens is we end up being put in the same spot as our spouse, always feeling like we have to defend ourselves, when we aren’t even part of the family! We get the blame/responsibility, without any of the rights.

So what am I really saying? Your life will never be normal. Ever. You have to make a choice to stay and make the best of it, or leave and have a chance at a normal life. You can do things to minimize her impact on YOU, which is what I do. But you can’t control what she does. LM and I have certain rules, he’ll ask me if I want to know before he tells me something that happened. I get involved in the big stuff, but the little everyday stuff, I just don’t want to know. We figured out this week that we are completely different in one way, he HAS to talk about things or his head will explode. I, on the other hand, have to NOT think about things, or my head will explode. You have to determine what level you want to be involved, what you need to ignore, and what you really need to respond to in order to keep your sanity, and ALWAYS keep communications open between you and your spouse.

~DW